Funny / Empowered

• Emp gets captured by particularly dumb criminals who put her in Cement Shoes and are about to throw her into the sea, but to buy time, she claims she's really a man and so is Sistah Spooky, Capitan Rivet is a menopausal woman (inside a suit that counteracts heat flashes) and Major Havoc is a cocker spaniel. When the Superhomies rescue her, she has to spell it out for the criminals that she is, in fact, a woman... but doesn't correct them on the rest of the team. It then cuts to Emp lurking in the back while they read tabloid newspapers on themselves.
• On one occasion, a guy managed to kidnap Emp... To use her suit. That works only for her. And he's not exactly in good shape. Hilarity Ensues (and Brain Bleach).

  "YOU-YOU-YOU WET YOURSELF IN MY SUIT?!"

  • Volume 9 informs us he wasn't the only one.
• The villain known as "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash". It started out as a team (or, in Emp's words, "a trio of underinformed anglophile doofuses")... Then Rum was slapped with court-mandated rehab after his fifth DUI charge, Sodomy grew tired of being Mistaken for Gay and explaining he represented strictly heterosexual sodomy and quit, and Lash decided to take on his former companions' names.
  • When he explains the above, RSL slips character... And gets pissed when he realizes. Then he notices that, during the battle, he ended up in a fabric store, and throws the fight due childhood trauma of being bored out of his skull while his mom bought fabric. Emp vows to investigate how many male supervillains have the same fear.
• Finding out in volume 1 that most of the Super-Homeys got their super-powers from unsafe sex with aliens and other metahumans.
  "We met at a support group for Posthuman STD Sufferers."
  • And then when asked if her superpowers might have any sexual connotation, Emp realizes that her bodysuit has somehow supercharged her sex drive:
    "I hardly ever had orgasms... rarely by myself, and never with a partner! But n-now? I... I climax at the drop of a hat!"
    • And Ninjette, hearing this confession, is barely containing her horror: "Oh, that sounds absolutely horrrrrible... how do you deal?"
• The bit in volume 2 where Emp is having a minor breakdown and complaining about the fact that bad guys always insist on gagging her when they tie her up. It's Thugboy's various expressions as he scrambles for an answer that really make it.
  Emp: (close-up on her gorgeous face and plump lips) *sniff* I mean, j-just what is it about my m-mouth that absolutely compels bad guys to stick things in it...? *hkk*
  Thugboy: <beat> <beat> <beat> Jeez, uh... I dunno, baby.
  • Then just to push the joke a bit further, he holds a tissue up to her nose:
    Thugboy: Now blow, okay?
    Emp: *sniff* *PHHBBT*
    Ninjette: (scowls at Thugboy)
  • In the same scene, during the Caged Demonwolf's Don't Say Such Stupid Things! rant to Emp, he decides to include the additional catharsis of what Sistah Spooky and Major Havok were doing during the Superhomeys' "fight" with him; crying for mother and soiling himself, respectively.
• D-lister supervillain Killing Time. He has time-related abilities... As in 'throwing clocks at you': he really wanted to be a chronopowered supervillain, but couldn't make a time machine work, so...
  • Emp defeated him with the Elemental Power of Earth and the Power of the Plant Kingdom. As in 'hitting him with a rock' and 'bashing him with a large wooden stick'.
• Supervillain Chloroformaster (or "The Notorious Chloroformaster"). Specialized in chloroforming superheroes and heroines. As a fetish (that's why they call him "Chloroformasturbator"). Who, in the end, is captured by Emp. You see, he chloroformed her, and was so turned on that he just had to masturbate right then and there. Getting off made him drowsy, so he fell asleep. Emp woke up first. Then there's the time he targeted Major Havoc, who awoke to find the following note on his chest...
  Dear Major Havoc:
  Thought I'd try chloroforming a guy for once, but it just felt really gay. Sorry.
  Yours truly,
  The Notorious C.F.M.
  P.S. Please don't tell anyone about this.
• The guys of Advanced Restraint Research. At first they and their pirate costumes torment Emp to shoot some advertising videos... Then she points out she's notoriously easy to capture and that sex doesn't sell with supervillains (aside from the fact that 13% of them are women, it runs against the Unwritten Rules), and convince them to try with the Superhomeys. Hilarity Ensues, both due their many failures... And the one success: Sistah Spooky.
  • By volume 9, they've improved their products... And sell 60% of their stuff to superheroes.
• Along with Moment of Awesome for Major Havoc in Vol. 3. After Empowered listened to Major Havoc, dWARf! and Protean comparing (rudely) the super heroines' and supervillainesses' booty, Empowered got her revenge by supplying the entire base with Doujinshi about them. Gay Doujinshi. They were of course outraged and embarrassed. At first. It was when Havoc realized it was done by female artists for women that...
  Major Havoc: You know, this is actually flattering.
  Empowered: "What?"
  Major Havoc: I mean clearly, me, dWARf! and Glorpp here... we're a bunch of seriously compelling and intriguing ass HUNKS OF MANHOOD for these ladies aren' we?... Hey if you don't have plenty of HOT FEMALE ARTISTS fantasizing you INTO GAY SCENARIOS... I say you ain't shit son.
  Empowered: "Don't fucking believe this."
  Major Havoc: Cute Asian cartoonist, I'm happy to be your Fantasy object.
  • Another funny thing, fellow Superhomie Heavy Artillery (a muscular man with a gatling gun for a head) offhandedly reveals that he's gay when talking about how doujinshi is mostly made by women for women as it doesn't do a thing for him. Empowered immediately starts fantasizing about him bishounen-style.
  • We'd be remiss to mention some of the doujinshi shown on panel, such as dWARf! in a maid outfit, a very odd slash scene between Major Havoc and Protean that seems to skirt between tentacle porn and vore, and of course, a classic sparkly bishie love story about Havoc and dWARf!.
  • And earlier, when she finds an Emp/Spooky fic.
  • Not to mention Emp's Evil Laugh when she gets the box of Doujinshi from her apartment before taking it to show the rest of the team. Thugboy, Ninjette, and even the Caged Demonwolf are disturbed by it.
    Caged Demonwolf: If the Ravening Hellbeast did, in fact, have a soul... surely now would it be sorely chilled.
• The whole of Thugboy's little 'Ode to Joyful Booty'
  Thugboy: I will '''not''' stand idly by and allow a world-class derrière to remain uncommented-upon. That's just how I '''roll''', son.
• "Elephants, Cups and Canoes" in Vol. 4, which pushes unusual euphemisms to new, visual heights. *trumpeting* "He's gone rogue!" "Aieee! Me canoe be swampin'!". And said canoe is named "Va J J".
• The doctor's nametag from the same volume (a Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference).
• The bit where Thugboy talks about working for a Nazi supervillain. "Yeah, sure I'm half-Japanese, but I'm also one-quarter Italian and one-quarter German! I'm All Axis Power, baby!" When the villain fired him, Thugboy stole his Porn Stash.
  Capitan Rivet: You cruel bastard!
• Then there's a 17-page sex scene... with narration and dialogue supplied by the Caged Demonwolf.
• When Major Havoc tries to write a fanfiction about himself, only for everyone to say it sucks... because he obviously doesn't know Major Havoc very well.
  • Made all the funnier when you realize one of the reviewers is Emp.
  • And the only reason why nobody liked it was because it wasn't a Slash Fic.
• When Trolls edit Capitan Rivet's Wikipedia page.
  Capitan Rivet: How the hell could I have been involved in the Kennedy Assassination!? I wasn't even born yet when that happened, damn it!
• Everything about the Superhomeys' performers:
  • They're a group that cosplays the Superhomeys as a job, working directly under them. Who's their Empowered impersonator? Elissa Megan Powers herself. Affecting a ridiculous Southern accent.
  • The Superhomie cosplayers' Lotus-Eater Machine fantasies under the influence of Anglerfish's light... except for Emp's fantasy.
    • Yummy Mummy cosplayer: Joining the Superhomeys in place of the real deal.
    • Capitan Rivet cosplayer: Meeting Jesus and finding he's white, blond, etc.
    • Major Havok cosplayer: George Lucas removing the elements of Star Wars that the fans hate, like the Ewoks, midiclorians, the Prequel Trilogy, etc.
    • dWARf! cosplayer: Scarlett Johansson, Gisele Bundchen, and possibly other lovely ladies giving him a blowjob.
    • Sistah Spooky cosplayer: Meeting Al Gore, who is President.
  • After they've been kidnapped and bound with tape, the cosplayers' faces as Elissa casually frees herself, then undresses for no apparent reason... And then puts up the hypermembrane.
    • The dWARf! cosplayer had previously shouted at Elissa and badmouthed Empowered repeating the rumors about what happened at the Capey Awards. His face when he realizes the real one heard him is priceless.
  • Anglerfish' reaction when he realizes his gang is getting trounced by the actual Empowered... After they kidnapped her.
• Ninjette's introduction: She captures Emp, ties her up, and calls for some thugs to pick them up. The thugs never show despite Ninjette's repeated calls until she finally says "Fuck it," unties her and goes out drinking. Bada bing bada boom, Heel–Face Turn.
• Practically everything that comes out of Caged Demonwolf's mouth.
• The Willy Pete Yaoi doujinshi. Also, the "I'll fuck a robot" remix song.
• Daisycutter revealing how much she used mind control as an excuse for cheating on her boyfriend when she was alive.
  Daisycutter *on the cellphone*: "Oh, honeybunny, l'il ol' Daisy only hooked up with Horsepower 'cause skeevy ol' Psychoblast was mind controlling the both of 'em! Uh huh!"
  Daisycutter *on the cellphone*: "Oh, honeybunny, l'il ol' Daisy only hooked up with Slamma Lamma 'cause pervy ol' Suggestion Boxer was mind controlling the both of 'em! Uh huh!"
  Daisycutter *on the cellphone*: "Oh, honeybunny, l'il ol' Daisy only hooked up with Horsepower and Slamma Lamma again 'cause that creepy ol' Browbeater was mind controlling all three of 'em at once...! Not buying it this time, are you?"
• The Caged Demonwolf singing "Baby Got Back." Also doubles as a CMOA for such an impressively long rhyme-scheme:
  Verily, the Caged Demonwolf does delight in toothsome rumps of appreciable volume! Prevaricate he surely cannot!
  Hark! You other figurative male siblings are utterly incapable of any form of denial, oh doltish dullards!
  For, when a winsome wench does perambulate forth before you besporting not merely a midriff of exceedingly minuscule dimensions, but also flaunting an entity Callipygian of overwhelmingly orbiculate character before your very face, then soon bekindled unto your loins is a raging inferno of direst arousal!
  For, luckiest of mortals, you have borne awestruck witness to the incontrovertible fact that the well-upholstered rump in question was bounteously plethoric and chockiblockily surifeted! (Or in words other, stuffed.)
  The blazing-eyed devilgoat finds himself ensnared within the denimy depths of wenchly tight-clinging pantaloons!
  Indeed, he cannot surcease himself from gazing unto- (Etcetera, etcetera).
• The intermission break just before the big finale of Vol. 3, where Empowered uses her "meta-awareness" to highlight her artist's previous track record of gruesomely killing off huge swaths of characters... and freaking out that she's working for a sadistic prick who's gonna kill her off any second.
• Doubles as a CMOA: Ninjette once consummated another ninja's marriage disguised as the groom. Other ninja are still trying to figure this out...
• While the situation itself is very serious, Spooky's "what the hell" expression when she first sees Emp's suit's wings is hilarious. Her eyes are bugging out and her mouth is just hanging slightly open. It's great.
  • Similarly, after a last-second rescue from dismemberment, Ninjette took in Emp's floating, winged, & sparkling suit (along with the path of destruction her energy bolt left); and only had one response:
  (still gagged) "Wh... whh thh fhhk...?
• How does Emp deal with a parasitic infestation in a babyship without killing the mother parasite nor causing the babyship's mother to annihilate the whole West Coast? Easy: move the mother parasite in the structurally infected floor of the hospital. The one that tries to eat people.

  "May the Darwiniest biohazard win, right?"

• Volume 9 may be one of the darkest issues of the series to date, but has a few moments too:
  • One you don't notice the first time you read the volume: during the initial report on Emp's activities as a superhero, supervillain Free Floating Fury thanks her for her discretion as a captive, as he once got blackout drunk in her presence and started talking shit about everyone but Emp didn't screw him over by telling everyone whatever he was babbling about... Except he told her the command phrase to activate his capeteam-killing drone, and it's one of the many pieces of intel she entered in the Superhomeys' villain database, and the wider superhero community's by extension.
    • Free Floating Fury's horror when he finds out what he told Empowered. He's the only one who isn't surprised when Emp uses a piece of information she has.
  • While under testifying to the superheroes' executive council about her various troubles, Emp couldn't help but mock the fake accent of Country Strong.
  • Emp's way to kill time while waiting for the council's decision.
  • The superheroes' executive council buys restraintware from Advanced Restraint Research. Apparently, superhero customers represent 60% of their total sales...
  • The poor supervillains' spooked reactions when Emp uses all the information her past captors spilled in her presence to kick their asses. Especially the Flat "What" from the Brawn-E Boyz and a sentient missile when Emp orders the latter to self-destruct, plus the sheer coincidence that Cephalopunk's superstitious teammates leave their new lair after Emp convinces them it's haunted... And thus narrowly avoid Deathmonger.
  • Empowered is captured by a pair of Super Villains. Merely dropping the fact that one of them voted Republican destroys their partnership and leads to an all-out firefight.
    Zappatista: ... sure didn't seem all that concerned with any "war on women" when we essentially bought a female superhero's ass just now!
    Mechamamba: F**k you, fascist stooge! Her gender is irrelevant to her level of super-privilege in the oppressive kyriarchal power structure, dips**t!
  • Just the fact the reason Emp started collecting information on the villains is her run-in with Rum, Sodomy and the Lash and his reaction to a fabric store all the way in volume 1.
• Emp, overjoyed with her promotion, hugs Thugboy and he complains that she's squeezing too hard and hurting him. She then hugs Ninjette, and she complains that she's squeezing too hard and hurting her. She then hugs the Caged Demonwolf and he loudly encourages her to squeeze even harder because she's on the verge of breaking the bondage gear he's trapped in and setting him free.
• Even after all the Character Development she's had by Volume 10, Emp's self-esteem is still so crappy that when she goes into an Imagine Spot of telling her past self from 18 months ago about all the great things that are going to happen to her, she immediately starts imagining said past self restraining her, gagging her and delivering a "Reason You Suck" Speech about how even with the recent improvements in her life she's fallen dismally short of the aspirations she had when she was starting out and that she's gained weight besides. ^note Past!Emp does eventually admit that the prospect of getting a hunky boyfriend and just generally feeling more positive about life is something to look forward to, but still, it's sadly hilarious how Emp cannot keep from beating herself up.
• When Phallik rises from the dead as a brain-added zombie in Volume 6, Emp manages to stop his rampage by appealing to his pervy instinct of slapping her on the butt with his spear. This causes an exasperated Capitan Rivet to utter A Rare Sentence:
  Capitan Rivet: Goddamn it, Bob... even after dying you can't stop thinking with your Phallospear, can you?
• Ocelotina assures her viewers that she didn't wet herself at the Capeys...unless you're into that kind of thing.
• A thug assigned to guard Emp—who is in her usual state—trying to assure his wife over the phone that he is not eyeing off his curvaceous, half-naked prisoner. No. No. Not at all.
• Syndablokk's first envisioning of his super identity, complete with naked chick clutching at his lower leg.
• Empowered, still in her Hot Librarian get-up, recaps her latest adventure to Thugboy, who can barely take in a word Emp says as he fights a losing battle not to haul her off to her bedroom then and there.
  • From said adventure, Rivet again gives A Rare Sentence:
    Capitan Rivet: Now, put the sexy librarian down.
• In "Soldier of Love", Emp resists Soldado de Amor's love-powered claymore mines. Why? Because Soldado de Amor is a Magical Girl and her powers aren't as effective on other magical girls.
  • Soldado's second-hand embarrassment and pity at Empowered's costume. She had always thought her own magical girl costume was embarrassing...