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Funny / Cinematic Excrement

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General

  • Every time he says the words "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukkah!" in a sarcastic context.

2009/2010

  • From the Never Back Down review:
    • The Running Gag of Smeghead arguing with the caption as he tries to remain optimistic about the film:
      [the credit for production company Summit Entertainment appears on screen]
      Smeghead: Wait... Summit Entertainment? [the poster for Twilight appears] Aw, hell, it's the same guys who did Twilight! [cut to Smeghead, who raises his palms] Wait, wait, wait... [puts his fingers to his temples] Let's... try to keep an open mind here... [shrugs] Everybody makes mistakes... some bigger than others... but... that doesn't mean every movie they put out is crap. Maybe Twilight was just a fluke. A momentary... lapse in judgement on their part. [thinks, smiles] Yeah. Okay, I feel better now.
      Caption: IT WON'T LAST.
      Smeghead: [glares and points up at the caption] Hey, hey. I'm trying to be optimistic here, don't blow it!
      [...]
      [as nominal protagonist Jake goes on a rampage of Disproportionate Retribution during a high school football game]
      Smeghead: Anger management issues and violent outbursts. And this is supposed to be our hero? Oh, God. [cut to Smeghead] Well, hang on... open mind... it's still early. Character hasn't totally been fleshed out yet. [smiles] Maybe we just haven't seen the big picture.
      Caption: YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT.
      Smeghead: [glares and points up at the caption again] Shut it!...
      [...]
      [later, after a fight between Jake and nominal antagonist Ryan at a party during which the crowd cheers on the latter]
      Smeghead: So... let's recap what just happened here. This guy Ryan had his girlfriend befriend the new guy at school and invite him to a party, purely so he could... humiliate him, insult his dead father, and... beat him into a coma. And he's the guy that everybody is cheering for!? BULL - SHIT! There is no way that a guy like that would be popular with anyone! He'd be the creepy psychotic asshole that everybody would avoid! I mean, this goes beyond "hazing the new guy", this is fucking criminal! And insulting his dead father? N... no, I'm sorry, I'm not buying it. High school kids can be pretty stupid - I know, I used to be one - but even they know there's a certain line you don't cross! What, was the writer in high school a social outcast, so he rationalises it by explaining that everybody who made fun of him in high school wasn't stuck up or stupid, but, in fact, they were... [puts a pinky to the side of his mouth] e-vil? [scowls] That's it. Open mind - shut! Optimism - gone! Fuck this movie!
      Caption: TOLD YA SO.
      Smeghead: [glares and flips off the caption] And fuck you too!
    • When Ryan tells Jake about having seen a YouTube video of him beating the living daylights out of an opposing football team at his old school, Jake replies, "You know what they say about the Internet." "Why yes I do!" Smeghead says with a grin. He proceeds to mime along to the chorus of "The Internet Is for Porn" from Avenue Q (which also plays over the closing credits).
  • His silently mouthing "what the fuck" during Alameda Slim's musical number in his Home on the Range review. And doing it again during his review of The Star Wars Holiday Special.
  • Smeghead's response to the constantly changing camera angles in one of the scenes from Catwoman (2004):
    Smeghead: Whoa, dude! [changes position] Pick a camera [changes position] angle and [changes position] stick with it!
  • In his commentary for Princess of Mars, he talks about ex-porn star Traci Lords who was underage and pretended to be 18 (though she did look 18 at the time apparently). When she was found out, many in the porn industry were scared because technically, they committed statutory rape and distributed child pornography. As Sean put it:
    Smeghead: Fortunately, they got off... let me rephrase that...
  • From the Hercules in New York review:
    • Upon seeing that Arnold Schwarzenegger is credited as "Arnold Strong":
      Smeghead: Ahnold strong! You, weak!
    • During the chase involving Hercules, Prezi, a charioteer whose chariot they stole while he was getting a hot dog, some mobsters, and the hot-dog vendor, the only thing Smeghead is focusing on is whether that Determinator hot dog guy managed to serve his customer the sauerkraut he ordered.
      (at the end of the chase, the hot dog vender manages to put a forkful of sauerkraut on the chariot guy's hot dog)
      Smeghead: (applauding) YES! He did it! He got him the sauerkraut!

2011

  • In his Meet the Spartans review:
    • When the inevitable sex scene occurs, the usual red "Pointless Sex Scene" flashes onto the screen (accompanied with band music playing), that is, until Not-Leonidas starts lifting his wife up and down. That is when these words in red start flashing, "Wait, what?" "Umm... pointless bench press scene?"
    • After he says he's going to strangle the narrator if he finds him,
      Smeghead!Narrator: Much like Luca Brasi in The God —
      Smeghead: Shut up.
  • The Rule of Three from the introduction to the Krull review:
    Smeghead: Okay, class! Time for a pop quiz. What do you get when you combine sword and sorcery with science fiction?
    [the Star Wars main title fanfare starts playing over the poster for A New Hope]
    Smeghead: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... [the music fades out] Good answer, but... not what I'm lookin' for. [thinks] Uh... okay, let's try this again. What do you get when you combine sword and sorcery with science fiction, and then... crank the stupid up to eleven?
    [the Star Wars main title fanfare starts playing over a TV Guide listing for The Star Wars Holiday Special]
    Smeghead: Hold it, hold it, hold it, stop, stop, stop... [the music fades out] Again: good answer, but still not what I'm lookin' for... [thinks again] Um... [snaps his fingers a few times] Okay. I think I got it. Sword and sorcery. Science fiction. Put 'em together. Add a heapin' helpin' o' herp-de-derp. And then, just for fun, let's throw in a few big name actors, like... Liam Neeson.
    [the Star Wars main title fanfare starts playing over the poster for The Phantom Menace]
    Smeghead: IT'S NOT STAR WARS! [the music stops] God!... Krull. The answer is Krull.

2012

  • From his Conan the Destroyer review:
    • Smeghead attempting to say the word n***rnote , which results in a bleeping sound effect. And ultimately culminates in him trying to show the word, only for it to be shown as "n***r".
    • "Fuck you, camel!"
    • "Fuck you, cannibal!"
    • The Queen offers to give Conan the one thing he wants the most: California.
  • The drinking game "Take a shot every time someone walks by the camera or otherwise obstructs the shot" during Cliff De Young's scenes in the 2012: Doomsday review. The total gets to 9 before the captions tell us "Fuck it, just finish the bottle."

2013

  • During the Never Back Down 2 review, a Running Gag develops in which Smeghead has to refer to the episode's script when he needs to identify each of the film's four main characters. He explains that they are all so unmemorable he can't be bothered to remember their names, so he eventually gives up and calls them Boxer, Wrestler, Big McLargeHuge, and Red Flag. For similar reasons, the Satellite Love Interest at the centre of the Love Triangle between "Boxer" and "Wrestler" is known throughout the review as Skittles. Why Skittles? To quote the man himself...
    Smeghead: No reason.
  • Breaking Dawn Part 2:
  • Sucker Punch:
    • The opening of the video parodies the opening narration from the film:
      Narrator: [as Smeghead threads his microphone under his shirt and clips it to his collar] Everyone has an angel. [Smeghead looks to his left, wondering where the voice is coming from] A guardian who watches over us. [Smeghead looks at the camera, then shrugs and goes back to adjusting his mic] We can't know what form they'll take. One day an old man, the next day a little girl.
      Smeghead: [clears his throat] Check, check, one, two. [nods in satisfaction, then picks up the episode's script and starts leafing through it]
      Narrator: But don't let appearances fool you. They can be as fierce as any dragon. [Smeghead looks to his left again, then gives the camera a frustrated look] Yet they're not here to fight any battles, but to whisper from our hearts, [Smeghead hurls down the script] reminding us-
      Smeghead: Do you mind!?
      Narrator: ... I'm sorry?
      Smeghead: I am preparing to do a movie review here and you are not helping, you are very distracting!
      Narrator: I'm just doing the opening narration from the film.
      Smeghead: I'm about to narrate my hand upside your head if you don't shut the fuck up!
      Narrator: Geez, I'm just doing my job!
      Smeghead: Well, go do it somewhere else!
      Narrator: [sighs] Fine. [sound of door closing]
      Smeghead: [to himself] Hard to find good help these days...
    • At the end of the video, the narrator returns to parody the closing narration - and Smeghead makes good on his earlier threat:
      Smeghead: Well, I guess that about wraps it up. Next time-
      Narrator: Who honours those we love, for the very life we live? [Smeghead turns to his left with a Death Glare] Who sends monsters to kill us, [Smeghead mouths "What the fuck!?"] and at the same time sings that we'll never die? [Smeghead Facepalms] Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? [Smeghead looks at the camera and mouths "Excuse me..." before leaving stage right] Who decides how we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the- [PUNCH] [THUD]
      Smeghead: [returning, shaking his hand and flexing his fingers to restore feeling to them] Well... that takes care of that!
  • In the review of The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure:
    • Smeghead prefaces the video with a warning that the film can cause seizures in certain people... not because of bright flashing lights that can trigger epilepsy, but because it's so stupid the viewer's brain may shut down in self-preservation. In a "flashback", we see Smeghead studying the DVD cover and declaring "It's just a crappy kids' movie, how bad can it be?" Ten minutes later (according to a caption), his brain has shut down and he is left foaming at the mouth while his eyes have gone completely unfocused.
    • When J. Edgar spins rapidly in circles for no apparent reason and loses control of the balloons, Smeghead cues a clip from the Bucky Larson Born To Be A Star review of himself saying "What the fuck am I watching!?",note  which he then echoes. He follows this with the Chappelle's Show clip of Rick James saying "Cocaine is a hell of a drug!" And when Dotty begins spinning in circles later in the film, Smeghead cues the Rick James clip again.
    • Once the Oogieloves are told about the lost balloons, Smeghead decides to counter a completely random line with one of his own:
      Goobie: [after being instantly changed out of pyjamas and into street clothes by a mechanical cabinet] Einstein!
      Smeghead: [Beat] [fake grin] Edison! [shifts to a "WTF!?" look and shrugs at the camera]
    • When Smeghead recognises Cloris Leachman, a horse whinnying immediately follows. So begins the "Celebrities who need a paycheck: (number here)" Running Gag.
    • His reaction to the first appearance of the "Running Gag" of Toofie's pants falling down:
      Smeghead: [with very forced levity] Comedy!
    • When one of the five balloons gets stuck on the tail of Rosalie Rosebud's private jet, she wails that she can't take off until it's removed, and Toofie says he can't climb that high. All the while, Smeghead shouts, "Go get a ladder!" Eventually, he gets so frustrated he walks off camera and returns with a metal stepladder.
    • He finds Christopher Lloyd's scene where he shouts out gibberish for no apparent reason so funny, it becomes his ringtone. And remains as such for several years afterward.
  • His reaction to the scene in Sharknado where one of the protagonists slices a shark in half with a chainsaw:
    Smeghead: [wide-eyed and pointing at the camera] Oh my god, that was awesome!

2014

  • His Battlefield Earth review:
    • Smeghead tilts the camera into a Dutch Angle for the entirety of the review.
    • The review proper opens with a poke at the opening text crawl, and a couple of... creative suggestions for why the Psychlos are obsessed with gold.
      Smeghead: And why did they conquer the planet, you might well ask? Because they wanted our gold. Which means the Psychlos must be led by none other than...
      Shirley Bassey: [singing] Goldfinger! [shot of Goldfinger drinking a mint julep while telling Bond about his "atomic device"; the music cuts off as we cut back to Smeghead]
      Smeghead: [pointing to a still of Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer] Or maybe it was this guy, who knows.
    • "Pharaoh, let my people — hey, damn it! I wasn't done!"
    • Smeghead explains that Terl is being kept on Earth indefinitely because of a dalliance with a Psychlo politician's daughter.
      Smeghead: What does this have to do with the plot? If you said nothing, you win! [stock sound of crowd cheering] And that is also your prize. [stock sound of crowd booing; Smeghead grins and flips off the camera with both hands]
    • Smeghead comes up with his own take on the "frozen gods" bit from the movie, stating that it would have been funnier if they had the budget for something other than a generic statue:
      "This is Ronald, the jester god. He was well liked by the other gods, until they caught him peddling his terrible food to the children of the world and he was frozen as punishment."
  • Him making up his own subtitles for the Super Mario Bros. animated film. He even admits that he just couldn't resist doing it.
  • In his After Earth review, Smeghead gets riled up enough to go on a rant and demands answers from the film. Cypher Raige then denies him said answers and orders him to sit down. Then Smeghead awkwardly obliges and sits in the corner for a moment before realizing what he was doing.
  • His Spider-Man 3 review:
    • "So we have one villain with a head injury and the other who is already stupid without one. We are off a great start!"
    • His reaction to Peter blowing a good opportunity to make up with MJ.
      Peter: Thank you, but I'm fine, I don't need your help.
      Smeghead: YOU IDIOT!!!
    • When Eddie Brock prays to Jesus to kill Peter Parker at the Church, Smeghead starts imagining Jesus's answer:
      Jesus: ... What?
      Brock: J-Jesus? Is that you?
      Jesus: Yes, Edward Brock Jr. It is I, the Son of God, the Prince of Peace, the King of the Jews, etc etc. Now, back to my question: what?
      Brock: What do you mean?
      Jesus: I mean "what", as in "what the fuck is wrong with you?"
      Brock: I... I just really need you to kill Peter Parker!
      Jesus: You want me to kill someone?
      Brock: Peter Parker, yes.
      Jesus: You... know I'm not a hitman, right?
      Brock: Please? I really want him dead!
      Jesus: Seriously, what part of "Thou Shall Not Kill" do you not understand?!
      Brock: But he's ruined my life!
      Jesus: This should be entertaining. Please elaborate.
      Brock: He got me fired from my job!
      Jesus: You mean the job you only got in the first place by committing fraud? Cry me a river.
      Brock: And he stole my girl!
      Jesus: Okay: first of all, Peter didn't steal anything; he didn't force Gwen to go out with him at gunpoint, that was her choice. And spoiler alert: their date didn't go well anyway. Also, for Dad's sake, you only went on one date with her yourself; she was never your girl to steal!
      Brock: But —
      Jesus: But nothing! Look, son, I know it sucks to see the girl you like go out with another guy; join the fucking club, we've all been there! But if she's ready to move on to someone else after one cup of coffee, then she was never that into you! No amount of moaning and bitching is going to fix that, nor will killing Peter Parker! Besides, my Dad put four billion vaginas on this planet; you can find another one. So quit whining, sack up, and sort your miserable life out!
      Brock: (Beat) Sooooo... you'll think about it?
      Jesus: ... I died on the cross for this?
    • Later on, his impression of Eddie Brock.
      Smeghead: (in faux-whiny voice) Spider-Man stole my girlfriend, waaaaaaaaah! (normal voice) Shut up, ya pansy!
  • From his "Spock's Brain" review:
    • Smeghead has a creative interpretation for why, after Kara knocks out the entire Enterprise crew, she takes a particular interest in Spock.
      Smeghead (as Kara): Oh my God! What shampoo does this man use? His hair is amazing!
    • His reaction to the clip of Alternate Universe Spock yelling "Khan!" when he lists the things that Lee Cronin was responsible for in Star Trek.
      Smeghead: No, no, no, no, no! Fuck you! You play the right clip or I swear to God I will end you!
  • From his Cutthroat Island review:
    • Smeghead performs the entire review in character as pirate captain Long John Thomas, with an appropriately awful attempt at a pirate accent, which he lampshades about 45 seconds in.
      Caption: YES, I WILL BE DOING THIS ACCENT THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE REVIEW. I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING.
    • Long John Thomas decides early on that he needs liquid courage to get through the review, and decides that rather than drinking from a hip flask, he needs a full bottle of Captain Morgan. He spends the rest of the review getting more and more plastered, and after a particularly bizarre plot hole in which William Shaw (Matthew Modine) has survived what should have been a fatal fall with only minor cuts and bruises, our narrator gets into such a lather that he falls to the ground in a drunken haze:
      Long John Thomas: [Beat] 'Ello, ground! [Beat] I'm gonna throw up on you. [Beat] I apologise for the inconvenience.
    • When Captain Morgan Adams (Geena Davis) re-gains control of her ship, she persuades her pet monkey to salute her as a symbol of her new authority. Long John Thomas, not so much three sheets to the wind as every sheet on the ship to the wind, starts laughing at the monkey saluting Captain Morgan... then laughs even harder when he notices she shares her name with the brand of rum he is drinking. He finally stops laughing and realises he has lost his train of thought.
    • After finally getting through the review, Long John Thomas delivers an oblique hint about the next film on the list before declaring he and the ground have some unfinished business... and falling over again. The review ends with the audio version of a Vomit Discretion Shot.
  • His review of The Legend of Hercules:
    Smeghead: God damn it, it's just a horse jumping over a log! Why does that warrant slow-mo, Mr. Director? Speaking of which, who did direct this anyway?
    (cut to the movie's opening credits)
    Smeghead: ... Renny Harlin? Wait a minute... the same Renny Harlin that did Cutthroat Island?
    Long John Thomas: (cackles) That's right, you bastard! Now you too will know the endless pain and suffering that is a Renny Harlin film!
    Smeghead: Didn't I change the locks?! How did you get back in here?... And where'd you get that rum?
    Thomas: Um... yes; your roommate left the door open; and... off... that shelf over there.
    Smeghead: You mean, that shelf which used to have a bottle of Captain Morgan that has now mysteriously disappeared?
    Thomas: That's the one.
  • From his Jingle All the Way 2 review:
    • Smeghead is so dumbfounded by the idea of an In Name Only Direct to Video sequel to a film that came out eighteen years earlier and didn't exactly set the box office on fire that he spends the first thirty seconds of the review pacing back and forth looking deep in thought before finally saying, "Okay, Let Me Get This Straight...".
    • Smeghead takes Victor, who is now married to protagonist Larry's ex-wife Trish, to task for ranting over Noel, Larry and Trish's daughter and thus his own stepdaughter, spending Christmas Day with Larry this year when Trish spends his rant giving him a Death Glare.
      Smeghead: Victor, what's your problem, dude? Are you completely oblivious to the stink eye your wife is giving you right now? [the film freezes and zooms in on Trish's expression] Check out that face. Check out the look on your wife's face! [cut to Smeghead] Gentlemen... here's a little bit of advice. If your woman ever gives you that look, just ask yourself the following question: "Would I like to get laid at any point between now and next year's Christmas?" If your answer is "Yes," shut the fuck up. Whatever point you were trying to argue, it ain't that important. Let it go.
      Elsa: [singing] Let it go-
      Smeghead: STOP IT.
    • After Larry suffers a series of slapstick injuries trying to outdo Victor's Christmas preparations, his best friend Claude asks him why he feels a need to compete with Victor when Noel clearly loves them both and doesn't care who comes off looking better. Smeghead declares that Larry takes this on board and that's the end of the movie. He inevitably admits he's kidding himself...
      Claude: Why do you feel the need to compete with Victor? Noel doesn't care about that stuff! She loves you for you, Larry.
      Smeghead: Excellent point! Thank you, Claude! [cut to Claude and Larry wrapping up their conversation] So everyone learns a valuable lesson and they all have a very merry Christmas. THE END. [fade to black; cut back to Smeghead] Well, all things considered, that wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. Kinda stupid, yeah, but at least it was short. Well... that about wraps it up for 2014. Until next time, I'm the Smeghead, and I wish you all a merry it's not over yet, is it. [sighs]

2015

  • Transformers: Age of Extinction: The intro from the reviews for the original trilogy is cut off halfway through for a You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! reaction from Smeghead. He demands an explanation, and gets one very quickly: Money, Dear Boy.
    [over footage from the first three films, we hear Lion's rendition of the theme song from The Transformers: The Movie]
    Lion vocalists: [singing] Trans-formers!... Trans-formers!... More than meets the eye-
    [Record Needle Scratch; cut to an outraged Smeghead]
    Smeghead: You have GOT to be shittin' me! They made another one!? [over the title screen and footage from Age of Extinction] God damn it, Michael Bay, why do you keep doing this?! Why can't you just let it die!? Why must you keep ruining the Transformers again and again and again?!
    [the Box Office Mojo figures for the first three films appear - domestic grosses of, in order, $319 million, $402 million, and $352 million - each accompanied by a cash register's "CH-CHING!"]
    Smeghead: Damn you, economi-i-ics!... Okay, I guess I can't blame him entirely. I mean, these movies basically are a licence to print money. Anyone else in his situation would probably do the same thing. [over a brief shot of Peter Jackson] AHEM!
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
    • After discussing the outrage around Michael Bay being involved, Smeghead clarifies he was only a producer and the actual director was Jonathan Liebesman, though people were still concerned.
      Smeghead: But hey, maybe Liebesman would turn out to be a perfect fit for the director's chair! After all, this is the same guy who directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Battle: Los Angeles, and Wrath of the Titans! Wait... oh, dear.
    • His irritation over Megan Fox playing April O'Neil:
      Smeghead: How is it that this woman has been able to have such a lengthy Hollywood career despite having no talent whatsoever? (shot of Megan Fox on the bike in Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen) Oh, right, I remember now!
    • Smeghead mocks the name of not-Shredder Erik Sacks and his company:
      Smeghead: Wouldn't you love to do business with Sacks Industries? You know they will always give you great sacks! (Boos can be heard) Aw come on, you were all thinking it!
    • While criticizing how disappointing Will Arnett's performance as Vernon is, Smeghead gets heavily confused by the fact there is a scene where he is inexplicably preparing a mustard parmesan sandwich and wonders if this actually is a thing. (The description of the Vimeo upload notes that he was informed it was an Arrested Development reference.)
    • His utter irritation over April calling her own journal for a camera crew after finding out the Foot are committing a huge burglary, and no one else.
      Smeghead: You know, you're a news reporter, this is potentially a big story, you want to make sure you document everything, I get that! But maybe, juuuust maybe, mind you, there's someone else you should call? Someone that might have a big interest in this massive burglary going on? Someone like— Oh, gee, I don't know, let me think, um— THE POLICE?! (shot of the "The Police") Oh, ha ha ha— fuck off.
    • April, much to his consternation, decides despite already being on probation from two past transgressions to tell her boss that the vigilantes who have been operating are her former pet turtles who are now ten feet tall, can speak English, and are ninjas.
      Smeghead: Naturally, in the real world, if you were her boss, you'd fire her ass on the spot! But of course in the movie, her boss... fires... her... on the spot. I'll be damned! Something happened in this movie that actually made sense!
    • Him going over the Shredder's and Sacks' plan, describing it as so stupid it makes the 80s series Shredder's plans look brilliant by comparison. He proceeds to list all the problems with it, including the fact they apparently intend to use the Turtles' Blood antidote as a bargaining chip without even having tested it, propagating his deadly gas from his own tower as the epicenter which would make it incredibly easy to track things back to him (not to mention the toxin is a clearly visible red mist) and finally Sacks having the end goal of becoming "rich, like, stupid rich" when he already is rich enough to own his own corporation, fund his private militia and live in a castle in the hills.
      Smeghead: And if you want to rule the city, why does it have to involve poisoning people? Can't you just bribe the local politicians like everybody else?
    • Then Sacks gets easily taken down by April and Vernon because he didn't bother bringing guards along for security.
      Smeghead: That man is stupid. Like, stupid stupid.
  • As soon as Biz Markie appears in Sharknado 2: The Second One, Smeghead starts singing quite possibly the whitest cover of "Just a Friend" you will ever hear.
  • Instead of the normal disclaimer, the review of Jupiter Ascending opens with "Bees don't lie."
  • The repeated mutterings of "All hail the Mighty Glow Cloud..." in the review of Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
  • In his review of The Star Wars Holiday Special, he is utterly disgusted to see Itchy playing on the mind evaporator.
    Smeghead: Ew! EW! That's disgusting!

2016

2017

  • In his Norm of the North review:
  • From his X-Men Origins: Wolverine review:
    • The disclaimer has repeated usage of "bub".
    • The opening scene which parodies Professor X's speech in the second X-Men movie.
    • "Honey, when I said I wanted you to bone me, that's not what I meant."
  • From his review of Hillary's America:
  • In the review of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, Smeghead reflects on the name of the books' protagonist, Clary:
    Smeghead: I wonder how she came up with that name. [Cassandra Clare's name appears on screen as a caption] Gee, I... really don't know, I mean... [the word "Cassandra" fades out and the word "Clare" enlarges and shifts to the centre of the screen] I... couldn't even hazard a guess. [the "e" in "Clare" fades out and is replaced with a "y"] Yes, sir, it is a total mystery, it is. [looks down at the caption, which now reads "Clary"] Y'know... if you're going to come up with a self-insertion character, you could at least try to be subtle about it!
  • From his review of Iron Eagle:
    • Things screech to a halt when actor Tim Thomerson, in the role of the protagonist's Air Force colonel father, flubs one of his lines in a very unfortunate way:
      Col. Masters: That's the last time you go up with me, I've had it!
      Doug Masters: Aw, come on, Dad...
      Col. Masters: Don't "come on" me, Dad, I don't wanna hear it.
      [cut to Smeghead]
      Smeghead: Whoa, I'm sorry, what was that?
      [cut back to the film]
      Col. Masters: Don't "come on" me, Dad, I don't wanna hear it.
      [cut back to Smeghead]
      Smeghead: Ooookay, I assume you meant to say, [points to camera and scowls] "Don't 'Come on, Dad' me!" But hoooo boy, that came out about as wrong as it could have. "Don't come on me, Dad," paging Dr. Freud!
    • The "obvious source of fictional name" joke from the Mortal Instruments: City of Bones review returns when Col. Masters is shot down near the fictional Arab nation of Bilya.note  Smeghead even recites the same speech verbatim. He spends the rest of the review calling the Bilyans "not-Libyans".
      Smeghead: Hmm... Bilya... Bilya. Y'know, I wonder if that's supposed to be an analogue for a real country. [the caption "BILYA" appears on screen; Smeghead glances at the caption, then at the camera] Gee, I really don't know, I mean... [the "B" and the "L" in the caption gradually swap places] I couldn't even hazard a guess. Yes sir, it is a total mystery, it is. [by now, the caption reads "LIBYA"; Smeghead glances at it again, then back at the camera] I can't believe I was able to use this joke two episodes in a row!
    • The only character Smeghead respects in the film is Colonel "Chappie" Sinclair, as played by Louis Gossett Jr., not least for a scene in which he tears Doug a new one for daring to suggest that a man with a 22-year military career stretching back to The Vietnam War doesn't care about a fellow serviceman in danger. Smeghead is so impressed that he salutes as "America, Fuck Yeah!" plays on the soundtrack.
  • From his review of Planet of the Apes (2001):

2018

2019

  • For the Under the Cherry Moon review, Smeghead describes Prince's direction as "mind-boggling" and particularly criticises a sequence in which Mary (Kristin Scott Thomas) and Chris (Prince) have a phone conversation. He decides to re-enact the scene with himself playing both roles to avoid being flagged by YouTube's content ID bots, providing much more humour than the original. Smeghead-as-Chris' phone still has the "Christopher Lloyd in The Oogieloves" ringtone, Smeghead-as-Mary starts twirling the hair of the wig he is wearing only to get his fingers tangled in it, and he finally breaks the fourth wall of his re-enactment to explain that he's not exaggerating the absurdly long pauses in the dialogue.
  • In his review of Leonard Part 6:
    • The opening text is darkly funny:
      The following video contains scenes of a once respected comedian's dignity imploding.

      But he turned out to be a horrible person, so enjoy the schadenfreude.
    • When describing how the movie practically grinds to a halt:
      Smeghead: You thought you were getting a spy movie! Instead, you're getting The Cosby Show! Except it's a version of The Cosby Show that's completely devoid of humor.
  • In his The Adventures of Ford Fairlane review, Smeghead goes on a bit of a discussion about offensive comedies when talking about Andrew "Dice" Clay and uses Blazing Saddles as a prime example.note  As expected, he starts off with "If you haven't seen Blazing Saddles"...then promptly slaps the viewer and angrily asks what's the matter with those who haven't seen the film.
  • In the Hudson Hawk review, Smeghead describes Kit Kat as played by David Caruso as one of the few positive things about the film, although he finds the lack of explanation for why he never speaks frustrating, and is equally baffled by the Mayflowers' sudden decision to kill him just before the film's climax:
    Smeghead: I'm not sure why the Mayflowers suddenly decided to kill him at the end of the movie. [puts on sunglasses] Must have been something he said. [exits stage right; Roger Daltrey's "YEEEAAAAHHHHH!!" cues the first few seconds of the opening credits of CSI: Miami]

2020

  • The two-part tenth anniversary review of the 1990s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trilogy opens with a hilarious parade of Sound Defects:
    Smeghead: Greetings, everyone, and welcome to the tenth anniversary of Cinematic Excrement!
    [the Cinematic Excrement logo appears with the caption "Ten Year Anniversary", accompanied by... a cow mooing]
    Smeghead: [confused] The hell was that!? Look, I know this is a low budget show, but if we're going to rely on free sound effects, could we at least pick something that fits!?
    [the logo appears again, accompanied by the sound of a punch connecting]
    Smeghead: No.
    [and again, accompanied by the sound of a jackhammer]
    Smeghead: No...
    [and again, accompanied by a Jump Scare synthesiser glissando]
    Smeghead: Are you kidding?
    [and again, accompanied by a dramatic Musical Sting; Smeghead glares at the camera]
    Smeghead: Oh, never mind!
  • In the Showgirls review, Smeghead gets grossed out when the main character licks a stripper pole.
    Smeghead: Congratulations Nomi, you now know exactly what herpes tastes like!
  • In The Postman review, Smeghead comments on how he doesn’t get why Kevin Costner was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar for Dances with Wolves considering his very monotone narration in the film. He then proceeds to do part of his introduction to The Postman doing a mocking impression of the narration.
    Smeghead: (monotone) I think I'm going to stop talking like this now, because even I want to kick my own ass.
  • An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn:
    • When it's revealed the fictional movie stars Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg and Jackie Chan:
      Smeghead: The cynic in me wonders if they were the biggest stars they could get. The realist in me is thinking the same.
    • Sean asking the audience to just Google who Michael Ovitz is, before actually saying who he is ("I need to pad out time!"). But when mentioning the O.J. Simpson trial, he says they really need to Google it, "otherwise we'll be here for three hours; stupid algorithm".
  • The opening card on his Surviving Christmas review, which he also uses on his Gigli review:
    The movie we're looking at today was made during the time when we didn't like Ben Affleck, and for good reason.

    Viewer discretion is advised.
    • At the start of the video, he expresses doubt about whether Surviving Christmas, one of the two Christmas movies that was nominated for Worst Picture but didn't win, would give him enough material for a full Christmas Episode review. Then he sees the alternative...
      Smeghead: Well, what's behind door number 2? (the poster for A Madea Christmas pops up) Surviving Christmas it is!
    • Smeghead decides to make a drinking game out of the main character's girlfriend saying the word "family." He very quickly ends up getting wasted and having another appointment with the carpet.
      Smeghead: I can do this! I am a grown man, wearing a Santa hat, and I can handle a little bit- whoa, oh no, there go my knees. (collapses) Hi, floor. Merry Christmas... I apologize in advance if I throw up on you...

2021

  • At the end of his "Second Look" at Battlefield Earth (since he already reviewed that film in the past), he notes that next video, "I'll journey into the world of one Tom Green," referencing that the next Worst Picture Razzie winner is Freddy Got Fingered. He then puts on a This Is Gonna Suck face and squeaks a little "Heeelp…" note 
  • The Freddy Got Fingered episode:
    • Begins with a warning of "several gratuitous depictions of sausage."
    • Sean notes that 2001, the year the film came out and won the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Picture, feels like ... well, with "the apocalypse out there" not slowing down, time is losing all meaning and all past years are seemingly blending together.
    • Just before the end he notes that, since Swept Away won Worst Picture in 2002, "I can no longer avoid the cinematic career of Madonna. Yay."
    • It's immediately followed by a monologue inspired by Freddy co-writer/director/star Tom Green's TV special about his experience with testicular cancer:
      Smeghead: ...remember, kids: feel your balls so you don't get cancer. (Beat) I'm serious. Really get in there and rub your balls and squeeze them and feel them and make sure they feel like two little grapes. You don't want to feel any lumps on your balls, and if you do feel lumps on your balls, talk to your doctor right away, because early detection is impo—
      (fade to the end title card and roll credits)
      Smeghead: —uh, what the—Hey, wait a minute! I wasn't done! Did that sound like I was done?! I'm trying to teach my young male viewers about the importance of feeling their balls; I'm doing a public service announcement here. Why are you rolling the credits? I'm trying to give them some good medical advice. Is it because I keep saying BALLS? Does the word BALLS bother you? Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls—see, it's not hurting anyone! But you know what will hurt you? Testicular cancer, you don't want that, so make sure you feel your balls. Self-examination: it's important.
      (credits end and music fades away)
      Smeghead: Oh, really? You're gonna fade me out now? Stupid mother—
  • In the Gigli review:
    • The tone is set by the introduction; instead of his usual opening speech, Sean gives the camera a sullen look for about ten seconds before finally saying, "Heeeere we go..."
    • Sean extends the Running Gag of people mispronouncing Larry Gigli's name to call him, in order, "Luigi," "Ghibli," "Giggity," "Squeegee," "Wheelie," "Jiggy with It," "Jinkies," "Quan Chi", "Juggalo," "Jambi," "Jigglypuff," "Jellybean," "Guanxi," "Gigli-Gigli-Cocoa Puff," "Jibbyjab," "McFeely," and "Gigli-Jingleheimer-Schmidt."
    • During the introduction of Ricki (Jennifer Lopez), Sean notes that her real name is Rochelle.
      Smeghead: Now you might be wondering why she's using a fake name. [long pause] Anyway...
  • The disclaimer at the beginning of Dirty Love:
    This video may contain images of a prominent anti-vaxxer.

    Viewer discretion is advised.
    So are vaccines.
  • In his I Know Who Killed Me review:
    • Smeghead notes that director Chris Sivertson revealed that there is a three-and-a-half-hour Director's Cut of the film which fills in some of the plot holes, prompting the caption "#ReleaseTheSivertsonCut" to slowly rise into frame... until Smeghead draws a gun on the caption mid-sentence:
      Smeghead: Don't think I don't see you down there! [the caption slowly retreats out of frame] That's right, go back down. Go back down! [the caption finally disappears] And you stay down there and think about what you've done! [to camera] We're not doin' that shit again!note 
    • And one good turn deserves another, so when Smeghead mentions a plot hole regarding how the protagonist discovers she has been separated at birth from her identical twin sister and suggests that perhaps the Director's Cut offers a better explanation, the hashtag tries to sneak into the bottom of the frame again... and Smeghead draws a gun on it again.
    • Commenters also noted that, without the captions, Smeghead would be pointing the gun at his crotch.
  • The Four Christmases review has Sean noting only two holiday movies were Worst Picture nominees, Surviving Christmas and Saving Christmas. The poster for A Madea Christmas rises and is promptly hammered down. "Only two!"

2022

2023

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