Funny / Bruce Has a Problem

• "It said something for Harley's taste in men when an obsessive vigilante who dressed up as a giant bat every night was actually a step up."
• Chapter 10. At the Iceberg Lounge, Penguin, Mad Hatter, Two-Face, Killer Moth and Bane of all people playing Dungeons and Dragons.
  "Ah, it seems you got a two...twenty! A successful roll my brawling companion!" The Penguin proclaimed, ignoring Two-Face grinding his teeth.
  "Si. I'm a natural."
  • On a related note, Chapter 47 with Mr. Freeze:
    Dr. Young: Is that why you rammed that police car? To violate your probation and be sent to Arkham to have an excuse not to investigate the possibility?
    Freeze: ...You could say that. I also did it to avoid going to Tabletop Saturday, I always get bullshit rolls for my Frost Mage.
  • And on another related note, chapter 57 has Tarantula getting duped into interrupting them. Poor girl was absolutely terrified when she realized she had pissed off Killer Moth, Mad Hatter, Penguin, Two Face (both sides. The good side was sad when the coin told him not to kill her), Mr. Freeze, and Bane...
    • How did it happen? Tarantula was molesting Nightwing again, so Oracle had him knock her out and leave her near the Iceberg Lounge, whose window was now decorated by an anatomically correct doll of Nightwing Bound and Gagged that Oracle had stolen from Huntress' safe-house and delivered there just for this trap. And Tarantula, not knowing it was just a doll or who was inside, broke in and threatened the Rogues.
      Penguin: I have always wanted to make a citizen's arrest.
      Tarantula: I-I surrender! Citizen's arrest, I'm all yours!
      Penguin: Sparrow, call the police. And do tell them to... Take their time.
• Chapter 14. Ra's al Ghul, Matchmaker.
• Chapter 147. As Jim Gordon is welcomed to Wayne Manor by his daughter Barbara for a dinner, they discuss her resumed relation with Grayson, and his understanding of her prior relations with the Birds of Prey.
  "I'll admit," he said distractedly as he walked beside her, "I really didn't think you would be seeing him again."
  "You didn't?" Babs glanced over to him surprise plain on her features.
  "Well.." He hedged, clearly reluctant to say more, "To be honest... after your recovery, you started spending all your time with your... er... 'physical therapist'?" She could hear the quote marks slam into place as he spoke.
  "What?" She asked flatly.
  "The blonde with that... ah... nice figure." He continued warily. "You introduced her as your physical therapist to me a couple of months ago? Dee? Diane? She wasn't... wearing much at the time?"
  "Dinah." She supplied, already seeing where her father's thought processes were going with this.
  "Yes. Dinah. The one who slept over. All the time." He added faintly, an embarrassed blush starting to rise on his face.
  She sighed, "Wait... you thought..."
  "Then there was that school teacher who started staying overnight a lot. The brunette who I couldn't help but notice also had a very nice figure..."
  Babs stopped and stared at her father.
  He hastily added, "Not that there's anything wrong with that! I mean, If you'd actually told me, I would have been completely supportive of any of your lifestyle choices."
  "I'm not a lesbian, dad." She said flatly.
  "Well, obviously not, since you obviously like Dick—" He drifted off into shocked silence as he realized what he'd just said.
  She stared at him for a long moment before suddenly cracking up.
  "That's not what I meant!"
  "Oh, dad, I definitely do!" She said between chortles.
  "I don't need to know that!" He sputtered.
  "You might even say, I've always loved Dick." She added before bursting into another peal of laughter.
  Dick opened the door to the small dining room and stared at their embarrassed dinner guest and his girlfriend who was having trouble staying in her chair from laughing so hard. "I missed something, didn't I?"
  "Nothing!" A flustered Jim Gordon thundered, "Nothing at all." He strode forward, grasping Dick's hand suddenly and giving it a frantic shake, "Good to see you, Richard. Good. Yes. Fine... uh... yes."
• To Convince Jason Todd to head back to Wayne Manor, Wendy as Proxy bribes him with a special 'private show'. When Bruce and Babs check in, they find out its a re-enactment of 'Debbie Does Dallas', using FINGER PUPPETS.
• Hugo Strange getting his comuppance at the end of his arc. It's a thing of beauty really. He comes across a mini-fridge in the Batcave with a note on it saying "DO NOT OPEN." Thinking that he's found the Gate to the Power of God (long story), he opens it. Trouble is, it's a massive Prank War weapon: a fridge containing Butanethiol, the industrial equivalent of Skunk Stink. You really must read it for yourself.
• Chapter 127 has this exchange:
  Cass: Why did you take your pants off?
  Tim: MY PANTS WERE OPPRESSING ME!
• Maxie Zeus, political analyst!
• A minor snippet reveals that BHAP-'verse Jim Gordon has taken to booby-trapping his office with homemade noisemakers in an attempt to catch Batman sneaking up on him. He's even pulled up all the floorboards in his office to make them extra squeaky. Read for the full hilarious effect.
  Bullock: Hey, uh... commish?
  Gordon: Yes, Bullock? Can I help you?
  Bullock: Well, I was gonna grab something from the sandwich place downstairs... but why're you pullin' up the floorboards in yer office?
  Gordon: To make them squeak.
• "My flowers demand vengeance!"
  • "My new hat DEMANDS pepperoni!"
• In chapter 264 a national news broadcast of the Gotham Mayoral Election has a Lexnews reporter mentioning the previous election being suspect due to City Hall being stolen by radical communist mutant killer penguins.

  News Reporter: Is this a joke?

  Footage of the Gotham City Hall being carried through the air by several dirigibles with red stars and 'CCCP' on their noses. Close-up of a penguin with a jet-pack and a rocket launcher flying near one of the dirigibles.

  Cut back to a poleaxed reporter.

• Harley is sad because she thought Damian was warming up to her and now he's acting odd. Steph is confused, because Dick talked to Damian, so she tells Damian to go back to what he was doing before that talk. Damian proceeds to try and throw steak knives into Harley, who's so happy he's back to normal! And then Steph realizes Harley kind of equates "murder attempt" with "affection".
• The almighty clusterfuck that is the Gotham City Mayoral Debates from start to finish. Folks being shown to be incompetent, people being outed as mafioso, the beginning and ending of relationships and because this is incurably Gotham, a random assassin showing up.
  • The candidates: Jim Gordon, advocating general reforms. Incumbent Mayor Garcia, noted to just be running "out of inertia". Quincy Sharpe, head of Arkham Asylum and essentially proposing Gotham be turned into a totalitarian regime. Garcetti, an obvious mafioso. And Harvey Dent, a former supervillain suggesting Gothan secede from the USA.
  • At one point Garcia asks the others to not argue. Gordon points out that they are in a debate and therefore arguing is the point.
  • All the references to the time Dent held Lois hostage.
  • Lois' opening statements and actions:
    Lois: Stuff it, Dent. Twice. (She holds up several papers.) Most of you have recommended questions and topics of discussion. (She puts them in a tray and lights them on fire.) However, the questions and topics you asked me to avoid have piqued my interest.
  • "That was the point at which Roger Garcetti, District Attorney for Gotham City and candidate for Mayor jumped Harvey Dent and tried to strangle him."
    • Why does the above happen? Garcetti's wife is leaving him for Two-Face. No, really.
• Chapter 64 has the Joker's goons and Dan Proxmire (AKA Fancypants) attempting to get Harley to give them Union coverage. It wasn't even in the top five of the most humiliating outfits the Joker's goons had to wear in their careers.
• In chapter 66, Doyle Resch finds a way to get back at the Joker and (try to) escape the insanely danger-loving Roxy Rocket: convincing Roxy that, now he's been dumped and will vest his frustration through crazy stunts, Joker would be her soulmate.
• In chapter 79, Damian says he fears that if they let Jason free to roam through Wayne Manor he'd slit their throats in their sleep. Jason is offended: he saves slitting throats for pimps and pedophiles, Batman's pupils he'd just shoot.
• In the first part of chapter 201, Shiva and Talia make a bet on whose grandchildren will be the most Badass Adorable.
• In Chapter 173, Batman's Pet the Dog moment when Jenny Quinzell, whom Harley admits is "a hugger," gives a hug to Batman's knees while smiling cutely. Batman smiles back despite himself. When Damian and Dick arrive on scene:
  Dick: Everything's secure on this end — (looks at Batman's face) HOLY CRAP! Oracle! Are you getting this?!
  Oracle: I wish I wasn't.
  Damian: (shuddering) As foretold in the Dead Sea Scrolls ...