Funny / Bruce Almighty

• This bit, which opens the film:
  Bruce: So tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
  Mama: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, "No." Is big chocolate sprinkle. But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
  Bruce: Well, I admire your candor. Let's try that again, shall we? (take two) So tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
  Mama: So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?
  Bruce: That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.
  Val: I work in back. I see no smiles.
• "SMITE ME, OH MIGHTY SMITER!" Even God admits that it was funny.
• When God first contacts Bruce, it's through his beeper, which he ignores. Bruce, annoyed with it waking him up the next morning, chucks it out the window and it smashes. Then when he goes outside with his dog, it begins beeping again, even though (as Bruce notices) the battery is no longer connected to it. Bruce finally calls the number and gets a strangely specific answering machine.
  Voicemail: Denied that promotion at work? Is life unfair? Is there someone less talented than you reaping all the benefits? Is your name Bruce? Then do we have the job for you! We're located at 77256 23rd Street. So come on down, or we'll just keep beeping you!
• Bruce's God Test, via the finger guessing game. After several perfect answers, Bruce holds up seven and puts down two fingers as soon as God answers, triumphantly showing off his hand... which suddenly has seven digits on it. God later mentions that He tried that trick on Gandhi, who apparently didn't take it as well. He didn't eat for three months.
• "If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood!" Cue gunshots and car chase!
  Clint-esque reflection: (With Spaghetti Western Awesome Music) Be Careful What You Wish For...punk.
  Bruce: (Blocks mirror) Nope. Uh-uh, nope. (Gets out of car) I am a reasonable, sane human being. (Pulls out a gun and his face becomes Clint-esque again) With a .44 Magnum. The most powerful handgun in the wo- (Shrieks and hides the gun in his jacket) I am not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce Nolan. (Runs to trash can and tosses gun, now a news station microphone, in there) I'm Bruce Nolan! I'm Bruce... NO! Lan!
• In the cafe, Bruce decides to test his new powers, all while an old man watches in shock and disturbance.
  Bruce holds out a hand and gasps as the sugar moves to it. He holds out his other hand and exclaims in shock as the cream moves to that hand. He adds cream and sugar to his coffee, but doesn't see a spoon to stir it.
  Bruce: Excuse me, I need a spoo- (A metal handle comes out of his mouth. He pulls it out to reveal a spoon) It's okay, I found one. (The old man watching him gets up and moves further away from him)
  • Then he gets his tomato soup and decides to try something else. He closes his eyes and focuses as an epic score starts and a windstorm of sorts starts inside the cafe and his soup is parted in two. He smiles at his accomplishment until:
  God: Having fun? (Bruce screams and everything abruptly stops)
• "YAHWEEEEEEE!!!". Pun on Jahweh may it be, you can't watch that scene with a straight face. You just can't.
  Voice Notification: "You've got prayers!"
  • The prayers-as-emails was his third choice. See what he had for the other two:
    Bruce: (after some contemplation) ...files. Let all prayers be organized into files.
    (Large filing cabinets appear in the room, over just about every conceivable flat surface...including atop one another)
    Bruce: Well, that takes care of the voices^note Prayers were previously coming in as voices in his head. Not exactly a space-saver, though. Grace might notice...(Beat) I've got it! Prayer Post-Its!
    (The filing cabinets disappear and a massive whirlwind of sticky notes sweeps in, covering quite literally every conceivable surface—including Bruce and his dog—in little post-it notes)
• Bruce body-slams Grace into the bed. Really.
  • Even funnier is the events leading up to it. While Grace was in the bathroom prepping herself for sex, Bruce used his powers to make her have multiple spontaneous orgasms. Seeing and hearing Grace's orgasmic responses to Bruce's shouts of "pleasure" was hilarious, as was her face afterwards, wondering WTF was happening to her. Then, right before the aforementioned body-slam, we see her standing outside the bathroom door, supporting herself on the sides, her face a hilarious embodiment of lust.
• Bruce messing with Evan on the latter's first day as anchor. You can probably credit that scene as the one that put "Steven Carell" on the radar. Made all the funnier by Steve Carell's uncanny ability to say it all with a completely straight face.
  Evan: The Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.
  Evan: The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime Rib Roast Minister and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl...
  Evan: I lika...do...da cha-cha.
  • More hilarious when you consider that this is how Carell warmed up to become Brick Tamland.
• Gangbangers + Literal Butt-Monkey = Squick and funny.
  Gangbanger: (Shrilly voice) Did that monkey just come out yo crack, man?!
• Bruce's on-air meltdown upon learning that he's been passed up for the vacant anchor job (and Evan is actually thanking everyone by copying what Bruce actually said in a previous unaired segment). The reactions of Grace and Jack and the news crew are priceless. Predictably, it results in him getting fired.
  Bruce: Hi, Susan! Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you throw the blue Heart Of The Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big, fat ASS off?! ...Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat! While others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal. (grabs his umbrella hat off his head and flings it aside) ....Oh, boy. Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill.
  Grace: C'mon, what are you doing?!
  Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
  Bill: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
  Bruce: Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life ERODING BENEATH ME?! Erroooding! Erroooooding! ERROOOOOODIIIIIING! (gibbering)
  (At the anchor studio...)
  Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.
  Technician: I'm on it.
  Bruce: I am Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
  Jack: Oh, boy...
  Grace: (facepalms) Oh, my god...
  (Cut to Bruce being thrown out of the network building by security. The guard tosses a box of Bruce's personal items right at his groin. The doors slam shut.)
  Bruce: That is perfect! THAT IS THE MOTIVATION THAT I NEEDED! RIGHT THERE!! Thank you! (Bruce gets to his feet.) Thank you, WKBW! Wimpy Kiddy Baby Whiners! THAT'S WHAT THAT STANDS FOR! I'll see you on Channel 5, where they do the real news!
• Bruce getting a laugh out of God.
  "I should know. I created you."
  "... Quit braggin'."
• This bit from the bloopers:
  Grace: I have a very rare blood type. I'm AB Positive.
  Bruce: "Hmm... Sound delicious. *Hisses and bites her neck*"
  • Another from the same shoot:
  Grace: I have a very rare blood type, I'm AB Negative.
  Bruce: I'm "IB Positive." I be positive they ain't stickin' me with no needle!
  Grace: Am I AB Negative?
  Bruce: I don't know what you are!
  • And this bit:
  Bruce: This is Bruce Nolan, for Eyewitness Nose!
  • One more:
  Grace: God, would you stop being such a martyr?
  Bruce: Martyr? I am not a martyr, I'm an- oh shit, I was just gonna say "I'm an actor"!
• "You'll hear such classics as 'All You Need Is Bruce'! 'If You Can't Be With the One You Love, Then Love Bruce'! 'Do That To Bruce One More Time'!'"
• When he's finally made anchor, the power repeatedly keeps going off (transformer damage from the meteor strike). Bruce concentrates a moment and the power comes back on, but then it goes off again...(bonus points for bringing back the clapper gag).
  Tech: The power's completely off.
  Bruce: No it's not! [claps his hands twice] [the power comes back on]
• There's a Running Gag where the dog Sam keeps peeing inside the house, after Bruce gets his powers he makes it so Sam can use the toilet, leading to a hilarious moment where Grace is startled when she finds Sam reading a newspaper on the toilet.
• Bruce asks Evan if he likes jazz. He mimes a trumpet and holds a note with his middle finger sticking out.
  Bruce: I can hold that note all day, buddy!
• This moment:
  Bruce: Maybe I should be more like Evan.
  Jack: You don't wanna be like Evan, Evan's an asshole.
  Bruce: Well I can be an asshole.
  Jack: No Bruce, you can't. [Bruce knocks his plate of sandwiches out of his hand] ... You gonna pick that up?
  Bruce: [immediately] Yeah, I'm sorry.