Funny / Brandon Rogers

• Swim Coach From Hell:
  • "STOP HAVING INTERCOURSE, PLEASE."
  • "MARCY, YOUR FATHER DIED A WEEK AGO, GET OVER IT AND GET ON THE HIGH DIVE.”
  • "I WILL GUT YOU FROM ARMPIT TO ASSHOLE."
  • *barely singing* "Before you trick-or-treaty, be sure you go 'pee-pee', 'cause urinary track infections are a little creepy. Out past dark on Halloween? An Amber Alert is on my screen. Instead of looking at that porn, you could have some candy corn. Please don't steal that candy pail, no trick-or-treat in county jail. Trick-or-treat with an adult, if you get raped it's all their fault."
  • "I asked my doctor 'Is it normal for the male cats to lactate?' Turns out I was playing with its penis."
  • "NANCY, I'D LIKE MY BINDER BACK, PLEASE!" *gets hit in the face with binder* "MY SISTER FUCKED YOUR CRIPPLED HUSBAND."
  • "I KNOW YOU'RE NOT DROWNING!"
  • "Why is there a condom on the dummy's mouth?"
  • "How'd you kids get this much cum in the baby?"
• Hall Monitor Helen:
  • "Three years ago, my husband went out one night for a beer, but that beer was all the way in Tennessee and had much bigger tits."
  • "Principal Morris! One of the second graders is on fire and I don't think he's going to make it this time!"
  • "THIS IS A PLACE OF SILENCE!"
  • *looking at obscene drawing of herself surrounded by penises* "Oh, don't laugh, Diane, this is a good night for me."
  • "You know what happens to little girls who wear shorts that short? A white van picks 'em up and they get all their holes resized. Not you, Melissa, you're never getting molested."
  • "You wanna become what? A doctor? I wanted to become a ballerina, and you know what I became? HIV positive."
  • *looking at drawing* "I'm not sure why this is still hanging up here. She's dead now."
  • "Yeah, I do a lot of drugs!"
• Grandpa Hates Valentimes:
  • "I don't want no damn flowers. 'Cause I'm allergic. You want me to pass?"
  • "I don't want this anymore." *violently shoves package into nearby shelf*
  • "Last week I got mugged by a god-damn ballerina. She tried to make me pass away, then the bitch spun away."
  • *looking at Walmart logo* "Look at that, the logo is what? An asshole!"
  • "Put that candy back, I'm not buying you all that mess." *throws candy at Grandpa* "Try me, bitch."
  • "All these trees stealin' my oxygen..."
  • "I need a pharmacist!"
  • "Stop trying to give me damn flowers. You know I'm allergic, you want me to see Jesus?"
  • "These damn flowers? You can stick these flowers you know where, asshole!" *faceplants into flower bed*
• Grandpa HATES Halloween!
  • "I would like to speak to that pharmacist, please. I drank some bleach all the way down to the blue, and now I'm startin' to feel like Harry Potters. Well, it tasted like candy to me."
  • "Oh, what are you supposed to be, a disappointment?"
  • *Looking at Disney Princess mirror* "Have you seen this app? It shows you what you're gonna look like when you get old and fucked-up."
  • "Put that candy back, I'm not buying you shit!" *throws candy at Grandpa* "Oh! Fuck me right in the asshole!"
  • "I don't want this anymore."
  • "Boy, pull up your god-damn pants! The spookiest thing in this store is that a dick that small is in my gene pool!"
• Angry Office:
  • "Fuck off, Janet! I'm not going to your fucking baby shower!"
  • "And I was getting a little tired of being called 'Curry in a Hurry'".
  • *Tosses papers to assistant* "Do it, hetero!"
  • "I'm making copies. Move, I'm gay!"
  • "The lotion is for your hands and face! I can hear it from my office!"
• Grandpa HATES Disneyland!
  • "Boy, pull up your god-damn pants! I can see Pinocchio and he is telling the truth!"
  • *Mickey Mouse hat* "The hell am I supposed to do with this? I can't shove this up my ass!"
  • "Ohh, that was my last Pamper." *man behind him turns around, confused*
  • "What'd I tell you about the candyyy? This sweetie gon' give you diabeetie! No!"
  • *lightsabers* "They're selling dildos to kids!" "Don't look at the dildos!"
  • When grandpa shoves a lot of candy in his mouth, the woman behind him gives him this◊ look*
  • "Congratulations, you just triggered a Vietnam flashback!"
  • *the grandson goes to the bathroom, and his poop falls on the floor* "Goddamnit, boy, how did you miss the bowl? Don't worry, I got this." *kicks the turd to the next stall, cue kid screaming in terror*
  • From the outtakes: "Gag Factory? That's what I used to call your grandmammy!"
• Mad Tea Party
  • "I'm gonna shit on yer dreams!"
  • "I NEED A GODDAMN WRITING DESK"
  • "Oh, hello! Hello... (Aside) Who the fuck let him down the rabbit hole?"
  • "And that's the real story of Alice in Wonderland."
• The Nuclear Family:
  • "I can't stop eating my fingers."
  • Daniel kicking his sister.
  • "See how I was ready for that?!"
  • "You have no idea how hard it is to say 'stop' with a dick in your mouth."
• Sam's Not Having It!
  • "How you get this coffee to taste like monkey piss?" "I used your panties as a goddamn filter!"
  • Donna having an aroused reaction to her shotgun. Sam just replies: "Every Sunday."
  • Donna knocking over Sam's card house: "The only thing you're hurting are mah feelings!"
  • "I collect salmon!"
• Fashion Is Blind
  • "I may not have eyesight, but I have vision!"
  • The fashion crew trolling Jurgen (asking to be exposed to different light colors) by choosing the wrong ones.
  • Jurgen's fashion drawings, which are, predictably, indecipherable scribbles.
  • Jurgen's "black girlfriend" and subsequent incorrect face readings.
  • "Chase me!" *runs into a pile of boxes and collapses* "It's not funny anymore!"
• Normal British People
  • "Darling, are you in the study?" "Yes darling, I'm having my foreskin reattached!"
• Elmer's backstory in "Stuff and Sam". He tells a very dramatic and sad tale about his life and origins...then the camera pans to Sam and Donna, who thought it was too boring and started playing a board game in the corner of the room. Elmer's deadpan tone never changing makes the scene.
  "Guys, come on, you wanted me to tell you a story, and I'm telling you."

• Theater Class
  • In season 2, almost every time Mr. Rimmer makes a snide remark about Karen, Linda, or Kaden.
  • The Halloween episode where a hobo Jamie paid to be his costume dies and the class works together to get rid of the body:
  Mr. Rimmer: You know this year's Halloween party was so great, I am debating having you throw next year's as well.
  Donna: Really?
  Mr. Rimmer: Of course not. Someone died, you stupid bitch. I am willing to let Karen throw next year's party, that's how bad it was.
• A Day at the Park:
  • "THIS SHOWER GONNA HAVE TO BE P.T.A.! Pits! Tits! Ass!"
  • "TELL ME WHERE MY SON IS RIGHT NOW OR I'LL SUCK YOUR GODDAMN DICK!"
  • "Have you seen my son? He's about this tall, clearly gay, but we haven't had the talk!"
  • The Stinger:
  Grandpa: Siri, I need you to find me a pharmacist.
  Siri: I have found three doctors nearby.
  Grandpa: Bitch, I said a pharmacist!
  Siri: I have found seven drug dealers nearby.
  Grandpa: ...Alright.
  • "WE'RE LEAVING IN NEGATIVE SIX MINUTES!"
  • "WHERE'S THE PARK RANGER!?!"
  • "I drink to forget, but I always remember..."
  • Elmer meeting Grandpa:
  Elmer: Aren't these trees beautiful? They're the oldest known living beings in this park.
  (turns around and runs into Grandpa)
  Grandpa: Oopsie!
  Elmer: I was wrong.
  • Jürgen, after Sam runs into his tent: "Help! I'm under attack by a lesbian!"
  • The reveal that Grandpa and Donna used to date:
  Grandpa: This day can't get any goddamn worse! (bumps into Donna) Oh fuck, Donna!
  Donna: Well hello, George.
  Grandpa: I haven't seen you in over fifty years and you still look like a slut!
  Donna: Well I called you the other night but you were bein' a little bitch!
  Grandpa: Nah, you didn't talk to me.
  Donna: Then who the hell did I talk to!?
  Flashback:
  Donna: (on the phone) Hello, you old piece of shit!
  Dorian: (breaks down crying)
  • Shortly after that, we get this:
  Grandpa: Can you help me find my family?
  Donna: Well of course! (flirtatiously) And that can give us a little time to catch up!
  Grandpa: (runs as fast as he can in the opposite direction)
• Beauty is Blind
  • "I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN I LOST MY ACCENT!"
  • "Zis Gatorade is expired!" "Dude, that's barbicide." "I don't understand zat word und therefore it is meaningless."
• A Day at the Park Reacts to A Day at the Park
  • The off-topic exchange between German Jürgen and the cameraman.
  Jürgen: Ask me vhat comes after eight.
  Cameraman: What comes after eig—
  Jürgen: NEIN!
  • Jürgen thinking he's at home and subsequently stripping down. It's funny on its own, but it also leads to this:
  Jürgen: Zis is just audio, ve're not doing any video of zis, right?
  Cameraman: We're filming everything.
  Jürgen: (seductively) You monsters...
  • "I love the Marvel Universe."
  • "That was a baby she just dropped."
    • Elmer's deadpan tone while saying this line makes it all the better.
  • "I remember her, she stole my semen from me. And guess what? I let her do it, too."
  • "Look at that vampire!"
  • " So you're telling me this hate crime got 31 million views?"
• Normal Western Movie:
  • "I need that Jesus dick!"
• Used Adult Toy Commercial
  • How does Luxy Leroy get his "merchandise"? By dumpster diving as well as wearing a sign that literally says "THROW DILDOS @ ME" while outside.
  • "Are you gay? Good! I've got more dick rings than Sonic the Hedgehog!"
• Blitzø vs. Grandpa:
  • The ENTIRE video, starting with the opening.
  Blitzø: Hello, old!
  Grandpa: Oh my god, a dog's dick!
  Blitzø: Yeah, well you know what dog dicks do?
  Grandpa: What's that?
  Blitzø: They fuck bitches.
  (Blitzø unloads his gun on Grandpa, but Grandpa somehow manages to roll away.)
  Blitzø: Hold still, motherfucker!
  (Grandpa takes his walker and walks away from Blitzø.)
  Blitzø (realizing he's out of ammo) GodDAMN IT!
  (Blitzø walks into the kitchen before getting a face full of hammer, courtesy of Grandpa. Grandpa runs out of the kitchen)
  Grandpa: Come and get me, asshole! (knocks over a tiny garbage can)
  • Even the opening interview, (which serves no reason to exist) is funny as Grandpa says he was doing "normal Grandpa things" when he heard what he claims to be "three knocks" on the door. Cut to 30 minutes later when said knocking is WAY MORE than three and the camera closes up too close to Grandpa's face.
    • The interview framing device is brought back in with Blitz being in the hot seat this time and being perfectly cordial about it. Any publicity is good publicity it seems.
  • Grandpa manages to slip Blitzo using some pills before kicking the imp.
  Grandpa: You better get back or face my pill attack!
  • Despite Blitzo carrying a knife sounding a bit intimidating, the shot of the puppet carrying a real knife as he hops while moving towards Grandpa looks goofy and is bound to get a few chuckles.
  • Turns out Grandpa isn't the target after all as Moxxie stops Blitzo to inform him they have the wrong house. Then it turns out their target is Sam.
  Sam: GOD IS GOOD, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
  • The ending reveals the whole ordeal to be Fantasy All Along with Grandpa playing with plush toys of Blitzo and Moxxie. The police can only look at him with pity for a moment.
  Officer Horvitz: Poor devil. He's so lonely he's playing pretend.
  Grandpa: This gun ain't pretend.
  (Grandpa fires the gun at the officer's badge)
  Officer Horvitz: Shit! And he ain't lonely!
• A Day At the Beach
  • The very beginning, with Flint Dicker.
  • The reason how Grandpa is at the beach?
    Grandpa: I'm not here because I wanna be, I'm only here because I'm lost.
  • Helen's introduction:
    Flint Dicker: How does it feel to be a loser?
    Helen: A what?
    Flint Dicker: A lifeguard.
• Concerned Mom:
  • We barely get into ten seconds and already Hilarity Ensues:
    Cathy: FUCK! I'VE BEEN WASHING DISHES IN MY SLEEP AGAIN!!

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