Atop the Fourth Wall 2021 Episodes 656 - 676 / Funny

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656: PATREON: Batman #608-619: "Hush"

Linkara looks at the two-page introduction to Batman for new readers, drawing particular attention to a panel featuring a young Bruce Wayne's eyes filled with a mixture of anger, sadness, and intensity, with specks of blood on his face; he even praises it, calling it "the birth of Batman in a single panel":
Linkara: Plus, it's just a lot more dignified than Frank Miller's "I touched my mother's breast. It bled on me."
- Linkara continues:
  Alfred's Journal: Using his family's wealth, Master Bruce sought out the world's greatest minds in criminology, martial arts, and the craft of detecting.
  Linkara: [as Alfred] And then poisoned them all with what's in that test tube so that he could be considered the best in those fields.
Issue 608 begins with Batman rescuing a young boy from a group of mercenaries, who he notes to be particularly expensive:
Batman: [thinking] But, as Bruce Wayne will attest... ...you have to spend money to make money.
Linkara: [as Batman] Hence, why I spend millions on customizing all my equipment to resemble bats; the long-term plan really is just merchandizing.
- Batman reflects on his methods of operation, comparing his own dark and brooding persona to Superman's smiling and earnest one; Linkara believes it's probably a good thing he doesn't try to smile or be friendly towards children:
  Linkara: [as Batman, with a big smile on his face] DON'T WORRY, KID! I AM THE NIGHT! GIVE ME A HUUUUUG!
In issue 609, as Huntress rescues an unconscious Batman from a mob of homeless people in Crime Alley, a figure wrapped in bandages with a sotto voce manner of speaking watches from above and quotes Aristotle:
Bandaged Man: "Without friends no one would choose to live."
Linkara: Pssh! Says you! I've got Masterpiece Soundwave; I don't need friends!
As a battered, broken Bruce asks Alfred to contact his old friend Thomas "Tommy" Elliot, Linkara discusses retcons, saying the main issue is how they're handled; in particular, Tommy is used to flesh out Bruce's childhood beyond his parents' death:
Linkara: Or his parents telling him that rock and roll is evil, thus fueling a lifelong vendetta.
After the story of Bruce getting seriously injured in a racing accident is released by the media, Tommy arrives to perform surgery:
Thomas "Tommy" Elliot: Bruce. If you wanted to get together after all this time— —you didn't have to try to kill yourself to do it.
Linkara: [as Tommy] Then again, you may still not want to, since I'm sure this piece of skull I'm removing from your brain is going to erase your memory of me.
The issue ends with the bandaged man cutting a picture of Bruce from the newspaper and quoting more Aristotle:
Bandaged Man: "We make war... ...that we may live in peace."
Linkara: Huh... According to Superman and the Quest for Peace, the reason we don't have peace yet is that we just don't want it bad enough... So what you're saying is, we should make more war!
Issue 610 features Batman luring Killer Croc out of Arkham Asylum, hoping to use him to find the orchestrators of the child's kidnapping:
Linkara: Letting loose the violent monster who has already kidnapped a child... Yep, Bruce is definitely recovering from brain surgery.
Meanwhile, Batman is informed by Alfred that Tommy is driving to Wayne Manor:
Alfred: You sure I can't entice you to come home, sir? After all, Dr. Elliot only saved your life.
Batman: [over comms] I would if I could, Alfred.
Alfred: I believe that's "I could if I would," in your case, sir.
Batman: [over comms] Just make the usual excuse, please.
Alfred: Consider it done, sir.
Linkara: [as Alfred] I'm sorry, Dr. Elliot, but Master Bruce has gone down to his man-cave to smash VHS tapes with a sledgehammer. He always leaves instructions not to be disturbed.
- As he opens the door for Tommy, Alfred feigns surprise at his arrival:
  Tommy: No need to apologize, Alf. I'm delighted that despite a few years and a few pounds you still recognize me.
  Alfred: Well, sir, I have the advantage of seeing Master Bruce put on those same "few years and few pounds" as you put it.
  Linkara: [as Alfred] Twice, in fact, since one time, he turned into a baby.
  Alfred: I... um... had forgotten your... delightful penchant for calling me "Alf," oddly enough.
  Linkara: Well, to be fair, you did eat a cat that one time.
After tracking Killer Croc to Poison Ivy's high-rise, Batman tries to subdue him, only for Croc to be captured before he can ask about Ivy's involvement; true to form, the bandaged man is once again watching from a nearby rooftop and quoting more Aristotle:
Bandaged Man: "All men by nature desire knowledge."
Linkara: Batman... somehow is able to hear something from that distance while in the rain and swings his head around to see.
Linkara: [as Batman] Um, excuse me, the quote is "All men by nature desire to know", not "knowledge". This is why I'm the world's greatest detective, and you think standing in the rain with nothing but bandages and a trench coat is a good idea.
Six days later, Catwoman finds Batman and tells him that Poison Ivy relocated to Metropolis, and wants to join him to take her down. She also says that she never properly thanked him for all the times he saved her life, and thus the two share a passionate kiss:
Batman: [thinking] Criminals, by nature, are a cowardly and superstitious lot.
Linkara: [as Batman] Also, immensely horny!
Batman: [thinking] To instill fear into their hearts I became a bat. A monster in the night.
Linkara: [as Batman] To instill lust in their hearts, I stuffed the front of the Bat-pants. A porn star in the night.
Batman: [thinking] And in doing so, have I become the very thing that all monsters become... ...Alone...?
Linkara: He says this while making out with a woman, and earlier having pointed out the string of people who saved his life because he is not in any way alone.
At the start of issue 611, Bruce makes his way to Metropolis:
Batman: [thinking] It is very different from Gotham City...
Linkara: [as Batman] Even though they are apparently right next to each other.
- He also remarks how Batman appearing in the city is suspicious, but Bruce Wayne making a business trip there is perfectly acceptable, as long as he stays focused:
  Batman: [thinking] Trying to stay focused. Not to think about... ...Selina...
  Linkara: [as Batman] Be really awkward to have a Bat-boner in the middle of a meeting... Or maybe that'd be good for the company, especially after the brain surgery; who the hell knows how stocks work?
  - After flashing back to visiting Metropolis with Tommy as a child, in the mother of all coincidences, Tommy meets up with Bruce at the same airport:
    Tommy: Bruce! It is you. I've been yelling like a fool halfway across the airport—
    Bruce: —I'm sorry, Tommy—My mind must've been— I was just thinking about you.
    Tommy: Uh-huh. More like you were thinking about skirts, if half of what your reputation is, is true.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Dammit, he noticed the Bat-boner!
Bruce stops by the Daily Planet (which he owned during this time), leading Lois Lane and Clark Kent to get suspicious about his activities:
Clark: [whispering] I think there's only one way we're going to find out what Bruce is up to...
Lois: [whispering] Have fun being all tights and flights. And remember, despite how he behaves when he's... y'know— —that you two are friends.
Linkara: [as Superman] Dammit, Lois, he's breaking the code! This is "over there" to him, and as we are "over there", we need to solve our own problems!
Later, Batman goes to LexCorp, currently headed by Talia al Ghul since Luthor needed to divest himself of his business interests after becoming President:
Linkara: Which is why the comparisons between Luthor and... certain other parties never sat right with me; Luthor is not an idiot and at least tried to maintain the illusion of playing by the rules. Just saying, Anton York, 45th President of the United States, wouldn't stand for some of the crap politicians pull.
- While Batman tries to find out if Talia has been selling large quantities of the plant hormone ethylene, Talia notices a humming noise coming from his costume:
  Talia al Ghul: You're vibrating.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Actually, I'm pretty sure the kids these days call it "vibing"; it's just always nice to see you, Talia. [beat] You're not secretly raising my biological son right now, are you?
In issue 612, after Poison Ivy sends a mind-controlled Superman after Batman and Catwoman, the two hide in a lead-lined sewer system to discuss their next steps:
Catwoman: You've studied Superman, haven't you?
Batman: He's the best at what he does.
Catwoman: That's open to debate.
Linkara: I mean, as far as I know, there's never been a "Wolverine vs. Superman" crossover.
Batman: [putting on a kryptonite ring] I said, he's the best at what he does. Not at what I do.
Linkara: [as Batman] Fashioning radioactive rocks to jewelry; it's a skill that most of my fans tend to overlook.
- Batman isn't too worried about Superman, since he knows that even under mind control, Superman could never kill anyone:
  Batman: [thinking] Deep down, Clark's essentially a good person... ...and deep down, I'm not.
  Linkara: [as Batman] I never put the cart away after loading my groceries.
After successfully putting away Poison Ivy, Superman and Batman reflect on what happened:
Superman: You could have gotten Lois killed.
Batman: No. I believed in you.
Linkara: [as Superman] Bruce, this is why fans ship us.
Linkara: [as Batman] As long as the fan art always depicts me being the top, it's all good. [beat] I'm Batman.
Superman: Thank you. Now, more than ever, I know I gave the ring to the right person.
Batman: What are... friends for..?
Linkara: Friendship means being ready to poison your other friends with radiation!
Bandaged Man: [looking from afar] What are... friends for..?
Linkara: Hey, that's not an Aristotle quote! Did you already blow your load with your last quote about friends?
Issue 613 begins with Bruce, Alfred, Selina, Tommy, and Dr. Leslie Thompkins attending a charity performance of the opera Pagliacci:
Batman: [thinking] The Opera. Oddly enough, it was my father's passion and not my mother's.
Linkara: [as Batman] Rock operas were the only kind of rock and roll my father approved of. Still, I could've lived without fifty performances of Tommy in a row.
Batman: [thinking] There was something about the Opera— how they often ended in tragedy— that my father found appealing...
Linkara: We were this close to Phantom of the Paradise being his inspiration and not Zorro.
- As the opera begins, the group begins to notice Canio reciting some weird lyrics while Bruce continues reflecting:
  Batman: [thinking] The evening is made only more complicated by the inclusion of Selina Kyle. While I know that she is also Catwoman, she does not know about my secret.
  Linkara: [as Selina] So, Bruce, what's your favorite part of the opera?
  Linkara: [as Batman] The fact that I'm Batman--CRAP!
  Batman: [thinking] And as Batman and Catwoman — hidden behind those masks — we have begun... a romance that Bruce Wayne and Selina do not share...
  Linkara: [as Batman] God, we're the Piña Colada song of superhero romances!
  Batman: [thinking] We are... "The stuff of great opera," Alfred has commented.
  Linkara: [as Alfred] Master Bruce, I will never seriously tell you to stop being Batman, because Young and the Restless has got nothing on you, and Alfred needs his stories.
It is revealed that Harley Quinn infiltrated the opera, having her goons rob the place and zeroing in on Tommy when he tries to call the police:
Batman: [thinking] My sources had her working out of Metropolis of late, teamed with... ...Poison Ivy.
Linkara: [as Batman] When are those two going to tie the knot already?! [beat] Oh, my God, Alfred was right; this is better than regular soap operas.
- Bruce changes into Batman, dealing with Harley's goons to protect the audience before confronting her directly:
  Harley: Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Mister B. You really only know how to stick to the script, huh?
  Batman: [thinking] Script? In the past, Harley has been, at best, delusional. But... could this entire robbery be scripted? And for whom?
  Linkara: Well, DC has been pushing Harley as their answer to Deadpool; maybe she finally just started embracing it and is breaking the fourth wall.
  - Harley escapes after shooting Catwoman in the shoulder, and as Dr. Thompkins rushes down with first aid, the audience applauds, thinking the entire affair a part of the show:
    Linkara: I mean, personally, I'm down for any opera that decides to throw Batman into it; keeps things interesting.
Tommy runs after Harley with Batman not far behind; suddenly, Batman hears a gunshot, and hurries to find the Joker, gun in hand, crouching over Tommy's (seemingly) dead body:
Batman: [thinking] There was something about the Opera— how they often ended in tragedy— that my father found appealing...
Linkara: [as Batman] Then again, my dad really liked Perez Hilton, so maybe he had bad taste.
In issue 614, despite the Joker's many attempts to proclaim that he didn't actually shoot Tommy, Batman keeps thrashing him while thinking back to the many lives affected by his refusal to kill him once and for all:
Batman: [thinking] I think of Barbara... ...and snapping the Joker's neck becomes that much easier...
Linkara: [as Batman] I think of the animated Killing Joke adaptation, and it gets really easy.
- After Catwoman arrives to prevent Batman from following through on killing the Joker, Batman, in a pencil-sketch style, imagines what would have happened if he found her after the Joker killed her:
  Linkara: Still, I've got to give points to the Joker for also graffitiing his face on not only the walls of the alley, but on the fricking Moon, too; go big or go home, I guess. "Graffiti: Fun or Homicidal?"
  - Batman prepares to finish the job, but Jim Gordon arrives, firing a few grazing shots:
    Gordon: All I can do is appeal to you through our friendship. I wouldn't let you do this when he shot my daughter... killed my wife. I don't know how I could stop you, but I won't let you throw your life away.
    Linkara: [as Gordon] Just shoot him in the legs like I did; sure, it won't kill him, but it is surprisingly satisfying.
    Gordon: You and I have seen more than our fair share of tragedies and thirsted for revenge. If Batman wanted to be a killer, he could have started long ago.
    Linkara: [as Batman] So... what you're saying is, I could've saved a lot of time by starting long ago?
    Batman: How many more lives are we going to let him ruin?
    Gordon: I don't care. I won't let him ruin yours.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Could I at least cut off his face or something?
    Linkara: [as Gordon] Nah, I feel like he'd be kind of into that.
The issue ends with the bandaged man pulling out a coin, flipping it... and revealing a familiar scar on one side:
Bandaged Man: He is innocent. Get the joke?
Linkara: [as the bandaged man] Do you get it, audience? I could flip the coin again if you don't.
Issue 615 begins with Tommy's funeral:
Bruce: Doctor Thomas Elliot used his skills as a surgeon to save the lives that others would have taken away. Unfortunately, there was no one skilled enough to save him.
Linkara: [as Batman] But, uh... Seems that he was still alive after the Joker shot him, and, um... He might've lived if Batman had gotten him to the hospital instead of trying to murder the Joker. [beat] Don't think Batman isn't here to feel really embarrassed about that or anything!
Tim Drake: [whispering] Dick... You ever hear Bruce talk about this guy before?
Linkara: [as Dick, whispering] No, but you're young and haven't really encountered many retcons yet; just roll with it.
After the funeral, Bruce retreats to the Batcave to study the details of Tommy's murder:
Batman: [thinking] I have been awake for fifty-six hours.
Linkara: [as Batman] I've determined that the mastermind behind all this is Freddy Krueger; I'm pretty sure I can outwit him if I can just stay awake!
- Batman discusses the case with Nightwing, and comes to the conclusion that the mastermind set him up to see what he wanted him to see, along with manipulating his rogue's gallery, meaning the one responsible is either a new villain, or an old villain trying a different approach:
  Nightwing: That narrows it down to, say, half the criminal population of Gotham City.
  Batman: If detective work were easy— —everyone would be doing it.
  Linkara: You know, like being a YouTuber! I get told all the time by people who hate me that what I do isn't hard!
  Nightwing: Was that... humor? Now, I am worried about you.
  Batman: It even got to me. I almost killed the Joker. ...I honestly wanted to...
  Linkara: [as Batman] But frankly, after something like that, you just gotta laugh!
After being informed by Oracle that the Riddler just hijacked an armored car with eleven million dollars, Batman and Nightwing hop in the Batmobile to give chase:
Nightwing: So. Word under the street is you're seeing Catwoman. Any truth in that? [beat] I take it by your silence... ...it is true!
Linkara: [as Nightwing] The other word under the street is that you won't go under her, if you know what I mean.
Linkara: [as Batman] Okay, well, that one, I will deny! I'm Batman; I trained to be the best in everything!
Batman: [thinking] Dick always spoke to me without fear. No matter what else has happened to us through the years— —he has earned that right.
Linkara: [as Nightwing] Bruce, do you ever feel... you know... not so fresh?
- Nightwing says he won't discourage Batman letting Catwoman into his life since it's making him happier, but suggests revealing his identity to her to avoid torpedoing the relationship like in the past:
  Nightwing: Listen, Bruce, if you do decide to have that conversation with her...? You might want to shave first.
  Linkara: [as Nightwing] Just saying, you know, if you go... under her...
  Linkara: [as Batman] OH, MY GOD, DICK! NO ONE'S EVEN GOING TO GET THAT REFERENCE IN A FEW YEARS!
While taking care of the Riddler's goons, Batman reflects on his decision to train Dick Grayson as his protégé, ultimately coming to the conclusion that Dick isn't like him:
Batman: [thinking] He didn't come from a world of privilege. He was a performer. Gifted in that way.
Linkara: [as Batman] For instance, look at how he's performing a tracheotomy on this guy!
Batman: [thinking] And while, at the time, the transition from Robin to Nightwing was... difficult for us both—
Linkara: [as Batman] Especially with him and all his friends getting betrayed, and Deathstroke and the H.I.V.E. almost murdering them... [beat] That was a weird weekend.
Batman: [thinking] —it was a day I had long prepared myself for because... ...Dick was born to be in the center ring...
Linkara: It's always nice to have a story that reminds us that Batman actually is incredibly proud of Dick, and how he holds his own as his own hero... [beat] And then the next Batman project Jim Lee worked on was like, "Hey, what if Batman made Dick eat rats?!"
- The Riddler tries to escape with the money, but Batman finds him:
  Batman: [thinking] I think about Edward Nigma and the life he has had as The Riddler. Where once his obsessive need to leave riddles as clues would confound me... ...everything about him has become routine.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Except his fashion sense. Man, I know that I could pull off the green suit, but nooo; according to Alfred, the world isn't ready for "Mountain Pursuit Batman"! [shows a picture of that exact action figure]
The issue ends with the Joker meeting his attorney, the bandaged man, who takes off his bandages to reveal Harvey Dent, healed of his facial scars...
Joker: So, you had a little plastic surgery done— —Okay, a lot of plastic surgery done. What's this all about— —Two-Face?!
Dent: Sorry. Two-Face is gone...
Linkara: [as Dent] I'm One-Face now, and I will become Batman's worst enemy.
- ...as well as Batman finally unmasking himself as Bruce Wayne to Catwoman:
  Bruce: So... where do we go from here?
  Catwoman: You could find a razor. And a bath wouldn't kill you.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Selina, I have been awake for almost three days straight, I'm pretty sure you're not actually here, and I'm making out with that tiger over there!
In issue 616, Batman kidnaps Talia from her private jet to get her father, Ra's al Ghul's attention; he responds by leaving a sword sticking out of the Batcomputer:
Linkara: [as Batman] Wow, I kidnapped his daughter, and he destroys my gaming rig; with all the Bitcoin crap going on, I'm not going to get a good video card anytime soon. Well played, Ra's...
- Batman uses the sword to track Ra's to North Africa, where he confronts him:
  Ra's al Ghul: You think I am responsible for your recent... ...misfortunes. The death of your friend Thomas Elliot, for example. You are mistaken.
  Linkara: [as Ra's] Well, okay, I do admit to filling your shampoo bottle with mustard; I just thought that was hilarious.
Meanwhile, Catwoman is holding Talia prisoner, only to be ambushed by Lady Shiva; as she prepares to kill Catwoman, Shiva gets knocked out by Talia:
Talia: Tell my father. To stay out of my life.
Linkara: [as Shiva, on his side and weakly raising an arm] I mean... technically, he has stayed out...
Back in North Africa, Batman wins his sword duel with Ra's, who tells him that the mastermind used one of the Lazarus Pits several months ago, denying Ra's a chance to resurrect:
Ra's: Ask yourself, Detective... ...Who in your life would wish to come back from the dead?
Linkara: [as Batman] My God... MY PARENTS ARE ALIVE!
In a special interlude issue, Batman brings Catwoman back to the Batcave, where she sees all the scars he accumulated during his many years fighting crime:
Batman: [thinking] I have made a decision to bring Catwoman back to the cave. I did not do this cavalierly. The cave... in so many ways... is my most private place.
Linkara: [as Batman] Not even Alfred knows about all the Playboys I have stashed down here...
At the start of issue 617, Catwoman helps Batman fix the damaged Batcomputer when she suddenly spots Robin spying on them and fights with him:
Batman: [thinking] Ra's al Ghul had a sword embedded into this computer console. At the time, I was focused on the sword itself and its meaning. Its placement appeared random other than to draw my attention.
Linkara: [as Batman] Now I realize that Ra's specifically wanted to destroy my hard drive that was full of all the sexy emails Talia and I used to send each other.
Batman: [thinking] In doing so, I may have neglected the first rule as a detective...
Linkara: [as Batman] Never start a land war in Asia. [beat] I mean, Sherlock Holmes was breaking that one all the time...
Batman: [thinking] ...nothing is random.
Linkara: [as Batman] Losing at mahjong that one time? Totally intentional; nothing is random!
- After reflecting on taking Tim Drake under his wing after Dick and Jason Todd, Batman breaks up the fight, telling a suspicious Robin that it was his choice to bring Catwoman back and reveal his identity to her; Catwoman takes a Batcycle to get some air, whereupon it is revealed that Batman and Robin were only acting to make sure she wasn't involved with the mastermind:
  Batman: [thinking] Dick saw Robin as a thrill. It's probably why he outgrew it. Jason saw being Robin as a game. It's probably what got him killed.
  Linkara: Well, that and the crowbar; I think the crowbar contributed a lot.
  Batman: [thinking] But... Tim... ...I have to hand it to the boy... He wants to be the world's greatest detective. And from what I've seen so far... ...he will be someday.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Either that, or a true crime podcaster; there's really only two career paths here.
Linkara notices a weird detail as Catwoman rides the Batcycle in the rain:
Linkara: Why the hell isn't Gotham flooded yet when pretty much every time we've seen it in this story, it's raining extremely hard?!
After saving Catwoman from a delusional Huntress, Batman deduces she was affected by Scarecrow's fear toxin; Scarecrow himself arrives on Huntress' motorcycle, dropping a clue as to his association with the bandaged man, hereafter referred to as "Hush":
Scarecrow: [singing] Hush, little baby, don't say a word... ...Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird.
Linkara: [as Scarecrow, singing] Then it turns out I got the wrong mockingbird, but fortunately, Mama kept the receipt.
- Batman knocks Scarecrow off the motorcycle, but gets a dose of fear toxin in return:
  Scarecrow: [singing] And if that billy goat won't pull, Mama's going to buy you a cart and bull.
  Westley: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?
  - Batman realizes Scarecrow lured him to a certain graveyard he should have no knowledge of, so Batman shrugs off the toxin to interrogate him:
    Batman: You did the profile work. Used your expertise as a psychiatrist to exploit what they all wanted. The Joker. Harley Quinn. Poison Ivy. Killer Croc. Huntress. Catwoman. Me.
    Linkara: [as Batman] You knew that I would make out with Catwoman without having showered or shaved, didn't you?! DIDN'T YOUUU?!
After Scarecrow gets knocked out with a Batarang to the head, Batman finally comes face-to-face with Hush, who removes his bandages to reveal... Jason Todd, back from the dead:
Batman: [thinking] Jason Todd became Robin after Dick Grayson. Hoping to harness the rage that had driven him throughout his life, I taught him how to fight. He knows all my secrets.
Linkara: [as Batman] Especially that thing I did with the Catwoman hug pillow.
Batman: [thinking] ...and he has been dead for years...
Linkara: [as Batman] Which explains why he's in a turtleneck; he must be really cold.
Throughout the beginning of issue 618, Batman fights Jason as he puts the clues together, from the myriad of ways a dead superhero can be brought back to life to the smaller details relating to Batman and Jason's first meeting... and comes to the conclusion that he is actually not fighting Jason at all:
Batman: [thinking] To make it perfect... for me to truly believe that this was Jason... ...he would have called me "Bruce."
Linkara: Well, he did just come back from the dead, and your brain starts decaying almost immediately when you die, so maybe the pit full of Mountain Dew can't necessarily grow back all the little details, especially if it drives you nuts.
- After confirming he was not actually fighting Jason, but Clayface disguised as Jason, Batman meets with Catwoman, who takes issue with being followed and not being trusted:
  Batman: I trust you.
  Linkara: [as Batman] I mean, I'm not billing you for the stolen Batcycle, am I?
  Catwoman: For what it's worth. I'm glad it wasn't Jason.
  Batman: I'm not.
  Catwoman: Oh...?
  Batman: [grappling away] Because the person or persons responsible are still out there.
  Linkara: [as Catwoman] True that! So, uh, just going to leave me here? I took the bike out here, and I live halfway across the city!
Batman meets with Oracle to find Huntress, but can't manage to track her after she ditched the Batcycle. The conversation shifts to why Batman thought of Tommy after his fall in Crime Alley, and Oracle shows Batman the properties of the electronic relay he found hidden in the Batcomputer:
Oracle: ...And look what it can do...
Linkara: [as Batman] Uh, Oracle, that's just my Google Stadia.
Linkara: [as Oracle] Why would you have Google Stadia?
Linkara: [as Batman] Look, I just like the idea of streaming games, okay?! I didn't even use it that much!
- Batman corners the man responsible for planting the relay, Harold Allnut, at the Gotham City Bridge:
  Batman: Why? Why betray me? I would have given you anything you needed. I had given you anything you needed.
  Linkara: [as Batman] I never told Oracle that it was your Google Stadia! I WANTED AN OUYAAA!
  - Harold confesses that the mastermind fixed his vocal chords and spine in exchange for planting the relay; the mastermind already knew Batman's identity, but Harold believed even if he were tricked, Batman would win. Just as Harold begins to reveal who his benefactor was, Hush appears and shoots him twice, in the head and heart:
    Hush: What is a friend?
    Linkara: It's a dead body, given the track record of Bruce's friends in this story.
    Hush: A single soul dwelling in two bodies...
    Linkara: [as Hush] Which means paying two rents.
The final issue, issue 619, begins with Batman staring down Hush:
Batman: [thinking] They say when you kill a man, you not only take away what he was... ...but everything he will ever be.
Linkara: [as Batman] My God! Hush is a Weeping Angel!
Hush: We should behave to our friends as we would wish our friends to behave to us.
Linkara: So, betray them for reparative surgery?
Batman: [thinking] Aristotle. The killer quotes Aristotle.
Linkara: God, what if the killer in this story had been a modern, edgier version of Bookworm?
- Hush continues:
  Hush: Evils draw men together.
  Linkara: [as Hush] So give us a hug while I murder some more people.
  Batman: [thinking] More Aristotle. Maxie Zeus? Which enemy do I have who quotes Aristotle?
  Linkara: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Clearly, this is a new guy, and following the conventions of Batman villains, his real name is Ari S. Totle.
As Batman fights Hush, he tries to figure out his real identity; he thinks of Deadshot with his twin .45-caliber pistols, then Killer Croc, Jim Gordon, the fake Jason Todd, and Harold with his generic trench coat:
Linkara: At least it makes for easier cosplay.
Batman: [thinking] I believe Bruce Wayne owns several.
Linkara: [as Batman] My God! I'm Hush!
- As the fight continues, Hush reveals he is actually Tommy, and wanted revenge on the Waynes for foiling his attempt to murder his parents to gain their inheritance; he destroys the Batmobile with C4 and tells Batman he plans to take him to Arkham to unmask him in front of the inmates, but is interrupted by the arrival of Gordon and Harvey Dent:
  Linkara: Well, I guess when Harvey went to Gordon and he said Batman needed their help, he meant, like, "He'll need our help in a week or so; let's just sit around until then."
  - While Batman tries to dive after Hush after Dent shoots him, a few details are revealed — Dent actually is trying to rehabilitate, Dent is the one who shot Tommy (or rather, Clayface disguised as Tommy), and Tommy was the one who repaired Dent's face:
    Dent: Look at that, Jimbo. It's stopped raining...
    Linkara: [as Dent] Pity most of the city's under Aquaman's domain at this point...
Two weeks later, Batman brings Superman in to discuss the many particulars of Tommy's plan, ranging from flashing subliminal images on the Batcomputer to planting a tracking device at the base of Bruce's skull during his surgery:
Bruce: Burn it.
Superman: I could hurt—
Bruce: Do it.
Linkara: ...And he does so.
Linkara: [as Batman] Good. Now, my brain focus sundial! I need scissors! 61! Damn you and your lemonade... Green Arrow!
Linkara: [as Superman] I'm Clark.
Linkara: [as Batman] That's what I said... pigs from a gun!
Batman goes to Arkham to confront Tommy's "inside man", who acted as a liaison to ensure the villains' cooperation in his plan:
Inside Man: How do you know it was me?
Batman: Elliot's medical records are in storage in Philadelphia. You didn't use your real name. But... "Arthur Wynne." The man who invented the crossword puzzle.
Linkara: [as Batman] Damn you, Arthur Wynne! I should've known it was you! I always liked sudoku more!
- The inside man is revealed to be the Riddler, who used the Lazarus Pit to heal a terminal brain tumor:
  Batman: When you came out of the Pit, you must've been quite mad.
  Riddler: Not mad. Angry. I used to be a somebody in this town. Now, everybody has a gimmick.
  Linkara: [as Riddler] In Hush's case, he's got, like, five.
Linkara goes on a small tangent by bringing up how David Willis of Shortpacked! described Hush as "Surgeon Mummy Trenchcoat Plato Guy Whose Name is Hush", since his gimmick wasn't really nailed down:
Linkara: Which is totally inaccurate; Hush's thing was Aristotle, not Plato.
Riddler continues, saying he expected Tommy to pay a fortune for the location of the Lazarus Pit to help his mother, but actually wanted to recruit him in his revenge plot against Bruce since he was from Gotham:
Batman: So... You came up with the bandaged man in the trench coat.
Riddler: "Hush."
Batman: Hush...?
Riddler: It started as a joke. You know, we had to keep it secret.
Linkara: [as Riddler] Though, the Joker kept insisting on calling him "Shush".
- Batman then brings up that for the plan to work, Riddler had to know Batman's secret identity... which he discovered after stewing on the issue following his dip in the Pit:
  Batman: What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
  Riddler: What...?
  Batman: What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
  Riddler: "Time to get a new fence." Everyone knows that one. It's worthless.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Wrong! The answer is... it's whatever time it is that the Riddler decides to reveal my identity, because I'm going to send a bunch of elephants to sit on his fence if he tells anyone! [beat] Look, my brain has gone through a lot these past few days.
The issue (and arc) ends with Batman meeting Catwoman at Harold's grave to talk about their relationship, and whether or not it was part of Tommy and the Riddler's plan, especially given Tommy's penchant for subliminal messages:
Batman: Or. We both could be under Ivy's spell—
Catwoman: Hush...
Batman: Why would you say that?
Batfleck: WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!
The post-credits stinger:
Batman: Why Jason? Why bring the boy into it?
Riddler: Question: How many times have you beaten me? Answers: Five. Ten. A hundred! But... question: What is Batman's greatest defeat?
Linkara: [as Batman] Of course... When I lost my sponsorship with OnStar.

657: PATREON: Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger Episodes 15-16

The review begins with Episode 15, "A Privateer Appears":
Linkara: In a show about a group of pirates? How unusual!
Doc gives Luka an update on the bounty placed on the Gokaigers' heads due to events from previous episodes:
Luka: It's 12,505,000 Zagin for all five of us.
Linkara: Unfortunately, that's like eight bucks in U.S. dollars.
- Captain Marvelous sets Navi the robot parrot to work on finding some treasure, which apparently involves her flying around the room hitting as many walls as she can before falling to the ground:
  Navi: Danger, dangerous, dangerous!
  Linkara: You know, planned obsolescence got even worse when companies made it so that devices break themselves after a while.
  - Navi admits that this particular warning feels different compared to the previous times:
    Linkara: Ah, don't worry, Navi; we'll pop you open and do some repair work, and— Ohhh... You were built by Apple. Well, you're boned.
Meanwhile, a Zangyack ship captained by Warz Gill encounters another ship belonging to Basco ta Jolokia and his monkey first mate Sally; Insarn, Zangyack's chief scientist, explains that Basco is a sanctioned privateer:
Insarn: [as pink text scrolls across the bottom of the screen] That's the official agreement, but there's no telling what he might really be after.
Linkara: Well, there is, but it's explained in that Japanese text behind the fansub, so we'll never know.
After the theme song plays, the Gokaigers wander the city for clues... until Doc slips on a banana peel:
Luka: [holding up the peel] Is this dangerous?
Linkara: Eh, only if you're a teddy bear on Australian TV.
- Eventually, the group encounter Basco and Sally, who happen to be looking for the same treasure; Marvelous responds by opening fire with his blunderbuss, but Sally blocks his shots with her cymbals:
  Linkara: You know, at some point, the people behind Power Rangers Megaforce decided, "No, we're not going to adapt the monkey that blocks gunshots with cymbals; that won't work." [beat] Those people were wrong.
  - Sally even manages to defend against Marvelous' sword strikes:
    Ahim: What is going on?
    Linkara: It's a monkey fighting Captain Marvelous! What's there not to understand?!
After a battle with Damaras' goons, Marvelous reveals to the other Gokaigers that both he and Basco used to be part of the Red Pirates until Basco betrayed them, leading to their destruction and dissolution:
Linkara: [as Marvelous] Basco was seduced by the dark side of the Morphin Grid.
- Marvelous goes into detail surrounding Basco's betrayal, allowing the Zangyack forces to overpower and surround him and his captain, Aka Red:
  Basco: Can't gain something without getting rid of something else.
  Linkara: Not entirely true, Basco; I can give you this free of charge. [flips the bird]
  - This leads to the scene from the beginning of the season, where Aka Red sacrificed himself to save Marvelous' life:
    Ahim: That was the promise to your savior that you spoke of...
    Linkara: [as Marvelous] Huh? N-No, that's different; I devoted myself to my savior, Space Jesus. [beat] It's like regular Jesus, but green.
After getting debriefed by Damaras, Basco decides to talk to the Gokaigers by calling Marvelous' Mobilate:
Linkara: [as Basco, on the phone] Hello, Marvelous. Is your refrigerator running? [beat] Then you had better go catch it! [beat] N-No, no, see, i-it's a play on words, because "running"— [beat] Look, you're embarrassing me in front of Damaras!
Marvelous meets Basco for a duel in — where else? — an abandoned rock quarry:
Basco: Marv, you were really attached to Aka Red, but how much did you really know?
Linkara: [as Basco] Aka Red never told you what happened to your father.
Linkara: [as Marvelous] He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
Linkara: [as Basco] No, Marv... I am your father.
Linkara: [as Marvelous, confused] We're, like, the same age.
Linkara: [as Basco] Eh, didn't stop Power Rangers Dino Charge.
- Basco reveals he is in possession of several Sixth Ranger Keys that Aka Red never divulged; he then inserts them into a device not unlike a trumpet:
  Basco: Did you know you could use Ranger Keys like this?
  Linkara: [as Basco] I can play this next tune in the key of Quantum Ranger.
The other Gokaigers show up and battle the summoned Sixth Rangers, leading Linkara to wonder why this fight was never adapted for Megaforce, saying it's not difficult to come up with an explanation for how the villain would have those Ranger Keys in their possession:
Linkara: Oh wait, I just kind of answered my own question there, expecting Power Rangers Megaforce to be creative.
- Unusually for episodes of this type, the Gokaigers manage to win the battle on their first try:
  Linkara: But then again, Basco does put hustle in your muscle; Basco puts wee in your knee.
Episode 16, "Clash! Sentai vs. Sentai", begins with Marvelous trying in vain to find his captured comrades, until he gets a call on his Mobilate:
Linkara: [as Marvelous, on the phone] What? [beat] No, the warranty on the Galleon is not close to expiring, you stupid robocaller!
- Actually, it's Basco, who threatens to turn the other Gokaigers over to the Zangyack Empire if Marvelous doesn't give him the Ranger Keys, the Galleon, and Navi; Marvelous deals with the news by slamming his head into a pillar:
  Linkara: [as Marvelous] Dammit, Navi! Getting a concussion works for you, so why doesn't it work for me?!
Meanwhile, with Basco:
Basco: [to the Gokaigers] Wow, you're a surly looking bunch.
Linkara: I mean, you would be, too, if you couldn't remember which of your fifty pockets you kept your keys in. [shows an image of Joe with his pocket-filled vest]
- The Gokaigers believe Marvelous won't give up so easily, citing his promise with Aka Red:
  Basco: Then he just needs to forsake you all. Can't get something, without forsaking something else.
  Linkara: I'm sorry; I can't purchase this one comic book without forsaking another. [beat] Or, you know, I could just go buy it later. Basco, I don't think this is quite the "gotcha" you think it is.
  - Luka tries to trick Basco into thinking she switched sides, but due to his distrusting nature, he doesn't fall for it in the slightest:
    Basco: [as pink text scrolls across the bottom of the screen] "Why?" she says... what exactly do you get from trusting someone?
    Linkara: [as Basco] You get pink text at the bottom of the screen, that's what.
    Basco: Imagine if you end up trusting someone like me. You'd lose a whole lot, wouldn't you?
    Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
After flashing back to his first meeting with Aka Red, Marvelous calls Basco with a proposal:
Marvelous: I'm going to bring what you're looking for to the location I'm about to tell you.
Abridged Lelouch: What do you mean, you're "at soup"?!
Back at the Gokaigers' cell, after they use the vent to the storeroom to try and escape, Basco discourages further attempts by posting a "keep out" sign with caution tape:
Linkara: Truly Basco's most insidious act so far!
- This is followed by Joe taking out his frustrations by slamming his head into the wall:
  Linkara: [as Joe, woozy] Okay, guys, I'll just knock myself out and we can do the "sick man" routine.
Back at the quarry, Marvelous meets with Basco again and declares he'll free the Gokaigers without giving him the Ranger Keys:
Basco: Trying to gain something, without giving anything up... That's not possible.
Linkara: The concept of receiving gifts made Basco's head explode.
Marvelous: I take everything I want for my own. That's what it means to be a pirate.
Linkara: Oh hey, it only took him another dozen episodes, but Marvelous finally figured out that being a pirate means stealing stuff.
- After the Gokaigers defeat the Sixth Rangers once again, Basco has Sally unleash a water monster hidden in the stomach compartment of her chest armor:
  Linkara: What, don't you keep one of those in your monkey?
  Basco: This is Wateru, the Liquidroid. Show him a good time, will you?
  Linkara: [as Basco] You know, take him someplace nice, maybe go dancing afterwards?
The episode (and review) ends with Marvelous apologizing to the Gokaigers for allowing them to get caught up in his feud as Basco escapes with several other Extra Hero Ranger Keys and vows to return:
Linkara: Which you can then give up while gaining humiliating defeat! The system works!

658: Mr. T and the T-Force #6

As Linkara goes over the cover, he regretfully informs us that his copy did not contain a free Mr. T trading card:
Linkara: I'd be mad at the eBay seller, but let's face it: if the trading card had stayed with it, it would've raised its value past even copies of Action Comics #1.
The title of this issue is revealed to be "Duck and Cover":
Linkara: It's true; Mr. T's punches are like getting hit with an atomic blast, and "duck and cover" is about as effective for it.
- The story begins with Mr. T escorting Slammin' Sam to the ring while the pair get jeered at by the audience, including a man with a speech bubble that contains a skull and crossbones, a nuclear explosion, a hangman game, and a cartoon "dead" face; notably, it is not swearing, as another man across the aisle is censored the standard way:
  Linkara: What they don't realize is that that guy was actually warning them about pirates who planned to nuke the arena, hang all the survivors, and anyone remaining would die of radiation sickness.
The patrons attack the duo, but are stopped by Kevin O'Malley, who demands they let Sam in the ring:
Patron 1: We wuz only lookin' out for your interests, champ.
Patron 2: He don't deserve to get in the ring with you.
Linkara: [as Patron 2] If we do bad things in your name, it'll only make people love you more!
Kevin: Well I think he does belong in the ring with me, or I wouldn'ta chose him, would I?
Linkara: [as Patron 2] Look, champ, I think we know better than you who your opponents should be; after all, we make good decisions, like trying to assault someone with a beer bottle.
The match begins, and Mr. T notices Lewis, the grandson of one of his tenants who apparently got into drugs, is in attendance, standing in the back of the arena:
Mr. T: [thinking] If it isn't Mrs. Thibodeaux's grandson Lewis hanging out with some slippery characters...
Linkara: Sorry, Mr. T, but once the boxing match is over, it's time for the oil wrestling match.
After the match, Mr. T confronts Lewis:
Mr. T: Lewis— why do you run when I want to talk to you?
Linkara: [as Lewis] Look, I just didn't want to hear you singing about mothers again, okay?!
Linkara: [as Mr. T] You'll listen to my song and like it, fool!
Man: Who's this @*$#%?
Mr. T (The "T" in I.T.): You know, you got a lotta mouth, and I got a lotta fist for your mouth.
Lewis: He's my grandma's landlord. Thinks he's a cross between a teacher and a preacher.
Linkara: Yeah, specifically this preacher.
Father McGruder: I kick arse for the Lord!
- Mr. T continues:
  Mr. T: I don't allow no crack dealing in my building. You should have more respect for your grandmother.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Working on a song for that one, too. [beat] Admittedly, hard to find dignified words that rhyme with "wrinkles".
  - As Lewis's cohort lifts his gun, Mr. T moves faster than the eye can see and beats him down (which means another superpower added to the list):
    Mr. T: You irritate me when you pull a gun on me...
    B. A. Baracus: Then I take my fist and put my initials on your brain.
    Lewis: Let him go, Mr. T! This ain't got nothin' to do witchoo!
    Mr. T: Yes, it does. You keep bringing that stuff around my building...
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] Lowers the property value. Mr. T's trying to build some equity, suckah!
    Mr. T: ...Plus, I hate to see you hurt your grandma.
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] "Don't you hurt your grand-mama/It's like punching out a llama." [beat] Dang, the mama song only took an hour; why is this so hard?!
The next day, Mr. T continues his bodyguarding duties with Emma and her welfare checks, and right on cue, he notices a gang of goons following the pair:
Mr. T: Now we got a convoy...
Linkara: [as Mr. T, singing] "We got a great big convoy, trucking through the night!" And it's gonna run them suckahs over!
- Thanks to Justice's quick thinking, Sam and Kevin arrive to help Mr. T deal with the gang, and they run off leaving their guns behind:
  Kevin: What are we going to do with all these guns?
  Linkara: [shrugs] Modern arts sculpture?
  Mr. T: The police are buying old guns. The money can go to the community center so the kids'll have activities to keep them out of trouble.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, one of the activities is "How to Join a Gang and Buy Guns".
Later that day, Lewis speaks with his dealer to get some crack, but the dealer believes Mr. T will confiscate it and gives Lewis a gun to shoot him:
Dealer: But first you got to get down and lick my shoes.
Lewis: Huh?
Dealer: You heard me. I got to know you're serious. You already owe me money. That's right. You got to get serious.
Linkara: I was not expecting to read someone's fetish material in a Mr. T comic...
- Mr. T arrives on the scene and intervenes:
  Mr. T: Lewis— what if your grandma could see you now?
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Put a cushion under your knees or something, fool! You could hurt yourself doing it like that!
  - After sending the dealer running, Mr. T asks Lewis why he keeps running away when he wants to talk to him:
    Lewis: You ain't my mama! Okay, maybe I won't be hangin' around y'r bulding no more…
    Linkara: Oh dear, what'll he do without you hiding drugs in his apartment building? Oh no, so terrible…
The comic ends with Mr. T standing in a gradient void, changing into a t-shirt that reads "Positive State of Mind":
Linkara: You know, he's bulkier and not a super-genius, but I kind of wish now there was a Mister Terrific movie starring Mr. T.
In the letters page, a fan asks why Mr. T carries a camera instead of a gun in the first few issues, and the editor says that Mr. T knows from experience that violence isn't the answer, and the camera can be used to produce evidence for criminal proceedings:
Editor: Mr. T uses his head, not his fists.
Linkara: Okay, between this and the last time claiming he has no superpowers, I'm beginning to think the editor of this book was reading a completely different Mr. T comic!

659: Doom's IV #1

Linkara begins the episode by showing his exasperation at this episode being delayed several times due to unforeseen circumstances; the relief in his voice at finally getting this over with is almost palpable.
The comic begins with the series' obvious parody/pastiche of The Thing, Brick, making several "Snap! Crackle! Pop!" noises as his face shatters:
Linkara: And this, my friends, is what happens when you leave Rice Krispies Treats out for too long.
- After Linkara flips the book on its side, we see Brick is actually working out with the aid of a massive machine:
  Caption: Splintering… Cracking… Shattering… The intense pressure strains his monstrous bulk… as superpowerful limbs test their limits.
  Linkara: Admittedly, I'm not a doctor, but if testing your limits involves literally splintering, cracking, and shattering the parts of your body that can do that, you're probably at those limits already.
The workout is interrupted when Brick's children enter the room:
Son: Daddy, Daddy, Shandi cheats!
Shandi: He's just sore 'cause I beat him all the way here from the relay tracks on Level Three!
Brick: Whoa! Level Three—?? That's about a mile of hallway and two floors away!
Linkara: [as Brick] That's not a healthy workout at all! How are your bones supposed to fracture into a million pieces that way?!
- After a bit of play, the intruder alert sounds, and Brick sends the kids to a safe room:
  Brick: Okay—Seeing as how we didn't leave any forwarding address, I got a bad feeling we've got an old problem pounding on our door.
  Linkara: [as Brick] I knew we shouldn't have bought those Girl Scout cookies on credit! They're relentless!
  - Suddenly, a gun appears and vaporizes Brick until there's nothing left but dust:
    Cyborg Assassin: SQUAD · ONE · TO · SQUAD · TWO— TARGET · ONE · TERMINATED! OVER. EVEN · IF · HE · HAD · COMPACTED · HIS · SILICA · TO · ABSOLUTE · MAXIMUM · DENSITY · HE · COULDN'T · HAVE · WITHSTOOD · THAT · BLAST—
    Linkara: [as the cyborg assassin] I · KNOW · I · SAID · "OVER" · ALREADY · BUT · I · DECIDED · TO · KEEP · TALKING · ANYWAY. I'M · A · BIT · OF · A · CHATTY · CATHY.
Linkara discusses his issues with the name "Doom's Corporation", making it sound like it belonged to Doctor Doom, or the concept of "doom" itself:
Linkara: I mean, maybe if the company was started by the Doom Marine, but he's not really the type of guy who'd have the patience for shareholder meetings. [beat] Unless the shareholders were demons; in which case, he'd attend it to murder them all.
- He then theorizes that the company was founded by Invader Zim.
In the meantime, another squad of assassins goes after another member of the group, Burn:
Caption: Barely in her twenties, Kate McLellan never thought this kind of scenario loomed in her future.
Linkara: [as the captions] However, she still finds it preferable to service industry jobs.
- After discerning that the cyborgs mean to kill her and the others, Burn fights back using her heat blasts:
  Caption: She is not called Burn for nothing.
  Linkara: [as the captions] It mostly refers to her cooking.
  Caption: It is her unwelcome ability to generate intense temperatures with no more than a mere gesture—an ability unwittingly supplied by the same organization whose agents seek to ensure her murder.
  Linkara: Severance packages work differently in the Doom's Corporation.
We next cut to Slyder, who has the ability to phase through solid objects:
Slyder: [thinking] How'd they get this deep so quickly? Had no idea those half-human cyborgs could move so fast!
Linkara: [as Slyder] Now, the half-gopher cyborgs, I kind of expected that.
- Slyder uses his powers to take out one of the cyborgs:
  Slyder: Man, that was a cinch! He never saw it coming. Then again—how could he—?
  Linkara: [as Slyder] I SAID, "HOW COULD HE?"! I'M TALKING TO YOU, UNCONSCIOUS CYBORG!
After phasing through a wall, Slyder encounters another cyborg, who shoots at him:
Slyder: Whoooops, looks like I came out of hiding too soon— so much for my element of surprise! But since when did that ever stop the ever charismatic Slyder, super star—!!
Linkara: [as Slyder] Are any of you going to react to my monologuing? I feel like I'm wasting my time here!
Linkara: [as a cyborg assassin] WELL · YOU · DID · JUST · KICK · MY · HEAD · OFF.
Linkara: [as Slyder] And yet, you're talking to me now.
Linkara: [as a cyborg assassin] MAYBE. OR · MAYBE · THIS · IS · A · BRAIN · ANEURYSM · CAUSED · BY · A · PINCHING · OFF · OF · BLOOD · FLOW · WHEN · YOU · TWISTED · YOUR · BODY · LIKE · THIS · TO · KICK · MY · HEAD · OFF.
- The fight ends with Slyder yelling to the heavens in pain, no doubt caused by his legs doing the splits atop a pile of scrap metal:
  Slyder: That's bitchin' man! It's good to know they care enough to send the very best in robot killers!
  Linkara: [as Slyder, raising his arms] And thank God I'm only using the best deodorant in this situation! SMELL MY ARMPITS! SMELL THEEEEEM!
As Burn zooms down the hallway using a jetpack, another cyborg chases her:
Caption: The Blood-Bot takes flight, all of its deadly hardware gearing up and at the ready.
Linkara: [as the captions] Unfortunately for it, Windows Update suddenly hits it and forces it to reboot to install the latest patches.
- After the Blood-Bot shoots Burn down, the Blood-Bot itself is shot down by an unseen assailant:
  Burn: YOU! I should have known you'd show up at the last second to save my skin. With your knowledge of the future you always seem to be one step ahead of everything…
  Linkara: And yet, he still let you get shot and didn't prepare you guys for this attack. [shrugs]
  - After turning the comic on its side yet again, the assailant is revealed to be the group's leader, Grimm:
    Caption: Their leader steps from the long shadows that litter the expansive hallways.
    Linkara: So... did he, like, sidestep? Because what shadows on this did he step from, exactly?
    Caption: A warrior from the future equipped with an armory of weapons found nowhere else, Grimm has become their savior!
    Linkara: Yes, futuristic weaponry, like… inanimate carbon rods strapped to his arms. Also, in the future, "Phantom of the Opera chic" is going to be a thing, so everyone walks around wearing half-face masks.
As more Blood-Bots wander the halls of the building, it is revealed that Brick was not killed by the blast from earlier, and he smashes them into pieces:
Linkara: Now, you may be wondering how his outfit survived the attack, too. [beat] So anyway…
Linkara is forced to turn the comic on its side yet again to showcase the Blood-Bots firing their guns; amazingly enough, this is followed by him turning the comic on its side for a single panel:
Linkara: You know, a common piece of advice for creative works is to learn all the rules so you know when to break them. [beat] Some people just assume you're supposed to break them all the time.
With Burn's help, the team manages to turn the tide against the Blood-Bots:
Grimm: It's over. We've vanquished them.
Slyder: How can you be so sure of that, Grimm? I say we take 'em all apart to be safe!
Grimm: Slyder, cease! These units are all registering off line.
Linkara: Unfortunately, it turns out they were just using a VPN to hide their alternate logins.
Slyder: You know, Grimm, I make fun of your funky futuristic gizmos all the time, but the truth is—I'm glad you got 'em, partner!
Linkara: [as Slyder] Especially that Roomba you got us; man, the future seems awesome!
The comic then shifts locations to the Doom's Corporation itself, revealing its mechanized leader, Syber Idol, who apparently wears contact lenses with red skulls on them:
Linkara: Man, the story is just about how Activision Blizzard finally gave up the façade, isn't it?
- Syber Idol has the company's security chief executed for failing to kill Doom's IV:
  Syber Idol: SUCH A PITY HE WILL NEVER KNOW HOW WELL HE TRULY SERVED ME.
  Linkara: Yeah... Because you just murdered him.
  Cyberman: Is this the human condition of "madness", Leader?
  Cyber-Leader: It is.
Apparently, the Doom's IV headquarters is located in "the Hidden Valley, land of Skull Mountain":
Linkara: Wait, has this actually been a He-Man ripoff this whole time?
Burn calls her fiancé, John, to let him know she'll have to go on the run again, only to have him complain about how often this sort of thing happens:
Burn: You're right, I can't expect your life to wait up for mine... It's not fair. I'm sorry.
John: Your father and I both disagreed with your choice to go on that Doom's assignment in the first place! I hope you're happy with yourself for making that decision!
Linkara: [as John] Screw having powers you can't fully control and how you need to go into hiding and cyborgs are being sent to assassinate you! What really matters is how this affects me!
- Grimm then comes in to collect her:
  Caption: Feeling the distance of a universe between them—he knows that, as a warrior, he can offer no words or caresses to comfort the sobbing girl.
  Linkara: [as Grimm] As a warrior, I offer you this gun. May it bring you some solace.
The comic ends with the team flying out to their new base to relax, not realizing that the Doom's Corporation's latest creation, Mech-Max, has stowed away on their ship:
Caption: TO BE CONTINUED! (As if you didn't know!)
Linkara: Well, yeah, because almost 13 years ago, I declared that this comic's second issue sucks. [beat] And shock of all shocks, so does the first issue.

660: PATREON: Batman and Elmer Fudd & Catwoman and Sylvester and Tweety

The title card is Batman staring down a nervous Elmer Fudd, daring him to shoot him over the "Bat Season" sign on the tree.
Linkara reading Elmer's noir-ish monologue in his trademark lisp:
Elmer Fudd: [thinking] Sometimes the wain comes down so hawrd you forwget you've ever been dwy.
Linkara: I mean… I want to make a joke, but what the hell can I say to top Elmer Fudd talking like he's a grizzled detective in a pulp novel?!
Elmer: [thinking] I twy to see it, out there in the past or in the future, wainbows waiting. Going into Powrky's that day, I twy my best to wemember. I weawy do. Things wewren't awways this way. They won't awways be this way. I twy my best, and the water seeps in, mowlding my coat onto my shotgun, and I stop twying, and I head inside.
Linkara: PEOPLE, WE ARE ONLY ON THE FIRST FRICKING PAGE HERE!! …I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this! [beat] Well, I suppose there is one thing: If the rain's bothering your clothes so much, Mr. Fudd, you might want to change them out. I know someone who can help. [plays a clip from Fresh Hare showing Bugs Bunny ripping off Elmer's Mountie uniform piece by piece, including his boxers]
- In general, Linkara's sheer amazement that Elmer Fudd in a Noir setting somehow is good is funny to witness.
Elmer enters the bar and sits down next to his target, Bugs "The Bunny":
Elmer: Didn't expect to see you here.
Bugs "The Bunny": Didn't expect to be here. Think I took a Wrong Turn at Albuquerque.
Elmer: You seem to take a wot of wong turns at Albuquerwque.
Linkara: [as Bugs] Yeah, well, maybe they can finally get off their butts and fix their signage problem; one sign said the freeway exit went into the river it was next to.
Bugs: Fudd, you ever been to Albuquerque?
Elmer: Nope.
Bugs: Yeah. Me neither.
Linkara: [as Bugs] All right, what about El Paso?
Linkara: [as Elmer] No, but Winkawra seems to think it's in New Mexico, just wike Albuquerwque.
Linkara: [as Bugs] Yeah, but that guy's got even worse geography skills than me.
- Several other patrons at the bar are briefly seen, like Foghorn Leghorn and Yosemite Sam playing poker, Taz attacking a guy in a drunken rage, and Marvin the Martian mentioning blowing up the Earth with his Illudium Q-36 space modulator:
  Linkara: O-Okay, that one, we actually might want to be worried about. It's the DC Universe; that's entirely a thing that could happen, and not just the ramblings of a drunk.
Elmer presses Bugs on who hired him to kill a woman, leading to him giving up Bruce Wayne's name:
Elmer: [thinking] Bwuce Wayne!
Silver St. Cloud: Bruce Wayne.
Linkara: Ugh, we're going to cut to Frank Miller's Vicki Vale going "Isn't that cool?" any second now.
- As Elmer leaves, he tosses a carrot at Bugs' head:
  Bugs: Heh. Ain't I a stinker?
  Linkara: Not yet, but keep up all that booze-drinking, and I'm sure you'll be pissing yourself soon enough.
Linkara is shocked to discover that the writer of Batman and Elmer Fudd is none other than Tom King, who wrote two DC stories he absolutely despised, Heroes in Crisis and Batman: The Gift:
Linkara: Apparently, he needed the fricking LOONEY TUNES to write compelling moody dialogue!
Elmer takes a job as a limo driver to infiltrate one of Bruce's parties:
Elmer: [thinking] I didn't gwow up in the fancy of the city. I gwew up in the dirt of the countwy.
Linkara: Yeah, but again, to cite that same Looney Tunes cartoon from before, you were also once a Canadian Mountie, so it's not like you've only done country work.
Elmer: [thinking] You ate what you hunted. In duck season, you ate duck. In wabbit season, you ate wabbit.
Linkara: [as Elmer] You awlso never checked wocawl hunting cawlendawrs to detewrmine when duck owr wabbit season actuawy began owr ended.
After Elmer's attempt to assassinate Bruce, he escapes, with Batman hot on his trail:
Linkara: [as Batman] God, rock and roll, One-Face, poodles, Xenomorphs, VHS tapes, and now Elmer Fudd! I have a weird rogue's gallery!
- Elmer returns to his apartment to gather his things, and then checks the hallway as Batman stands behind him:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Trying out a new variation on knock-knock jokes. Want to hear it?!
Elmer puts up a decent fight against Batman, explaining that he only "murdered" Bruce to avenge Silver St. Cloud's death:
Batman: Silver… Silver St. Cloud? What do you know about Silver St. Cloud?!
Batfleck: WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!
- After comparing notes, Batman and Elmer decide to return to Porky's to confront Bugs:
  Elmer: [thinking] My name is Elmer Fudd. He's Batman. And we're hunting wabbits.
  Linkara: [as Batman] So yeah, this woman just runs around in her underwear calling herself the "White Rabbit" and injecting Bane's Venom formula into some of my villains; she's probably connected to this Bugs guy.
After roughing up the patrons, Batman and Elmer discover Silver St. Cloud is actually still alive, having faked her death to keep herself safe from Bruce and Elmer's dangerous lifestyles, and thinking they would work things out between them:
Linkara: Bet it would've been really unfortunate if Elmer Fudd had aimed at his head, AS HE IS KNOWN TO DO! [plays a clip from Rabbit Fire showing Daffy Duck getting his beak shot and readjusting it] Somehow, I don't think Bruce's face would've been as easy to correct.
- The issue ends with Batman, Elmer, and Bugs ordering carrot juice from Porky:
  Elmer: [thinking] Awl I know is everwything has a season. You just got to wead the sign. "Duck Season." "Wabbit Season." Then one day you wook up. And you wealize. This season is youwrs.
  Linkara: [as Elmer] And then, you turn, turn, turn… [beat] Not quite suwre how that pawrt wowrks…
After Catwoman steals a valuable gem from an archaeologist, she comes across Sylvester falling from a portal in the sky:
Linkara: Or that's Jason from Power Rangers having made a very wrong turn on his way back from the Beast Morphers crossover. [beat] What? I put a lot of work into that video, and it's the main reason why this one's late; of course I'm going to plug it.
- Catwoman manages to catch Sylvester, and is quite shocked when he suddenly speaks:
  Sylvester: Well, helloooo, gorgeouth!
  Linkara: And that's when Catwoman called up Bruce to let him know that Hush has an even more convoluted plan.
Meanwhile, in Gotham's Music District, Dinah Lance tries singing torch songs to a band of punks, and returns to her dressing room to find Tweety Bird:
Tweety Bird: Oh, hewwo dere! Say, dey didn't like you vewwy much, did dey?
Linkara: ...Okay, Dinah, be honest; this is not the weirdest thing you ever encountered as a superhero.
Back at her apartment, Selina asks Sylvester what exactly he is:
Sylvester: I'll have you know, Mith Prith, that I am 100 percent purebred, thertified alley cat. I gotta get a publithist. Why the long thtare, thithter?
Linkara: Eh, mostly, she's remembering that Rick and Morty episode with a talking cat and wondering what sort of hellish backstory you have that explains why you can talk. [beat] Well, either that, or wondering why you're voiced by Eric Roberts.
Meanwhile, Dinah changes into her superhero outfit as Tweety comments:
Tweety: Oooh, you weawing a new outfit? It seems a wiiiiddle tight. Have you gained weight wecentwy?
Linkara: You know, to be perfectly honest, I haven't watched a lot of Looney Tunes in a while — nothing against it; just plenty of other stuff out there to watch — but, um… was Tweety Bird always this much of a dick? 'Cause I feel like he was, but I just don't recall it specifically enough to be sure.
- Sylvester and Tweety explain how they were summoned by a group of witches, with both Selina and Dinah skeptical:
  Tweety: Do you tink this wipstick goes with my eyes? Boy, you sure have a wot of makeup for a wady your age!
  Mr. T (The "T" in I.T.): You know, you got a lotta mouth, and I got a lotta fist for your mouth.
  Linkara: God, to see Mr. T punch this version of Tweety Bird…
Catwoman and Black Canary meet up and fight each other, both now aware of the consequences if either Sylvester or Tweety lose:
Tweety: Oooh, you a bad wady. I bet you never mawwy Batman!
Linkara: Oh, deep cut, Gail! Deep cut!
- As the fight escalates to involve every cat- and bird-themed character in the DC Universe, Catwoman enlists Klarion the Witch-Boy to end things by having him transport them all to the witches, one of them being the Looney Tunes character Witch Hazel:
  Witch Hazel: It's not too late. Sylvester, eat the bird! Win the war that has gone on for eons!
  Sylvester: Lady...? You're dethpicable.
  Linkara: [as Sylvester] Catth need no help to eat birdth. But for now, only a fool fightth in a burning houth.
The post-credits stinger involves Linkara, as Batman, naturally ending the episode by reciting Porky Pig's "That's all, folks!" catchphrase.

661: Batman: Odyssey #4

The episode starts with Linkara mentioning how he usually rewatches his old videos to refresh himself on a story when doing a once-a-year episode, then immediately wonders how he could forget the craziness that is Batman Odyssey.
Linkara decides to deviate from his usual not-showing-covers-from-a-trade to showcase a bit of Nightmare Fuel for issue 4's cover with what should be Batman looking shocked at something and… it's incredibly unnerving:
King Arthur: JESUS CHRIST!
The issue begins with Batman having already exposed the "Riddler" as a man named Reuben Irons:
Batman: That… is Reuben Irons. He's too solid to be the Riddler... aren't you, Reuben?
Linkara: [as Batman] The Riddler usually only exists in a liquid state; it's what makes him so hard to catch.
- After explaining how he figured out the ruse by examining the makeup on his gloves, Batman decides to rip off Reuben's mask to reveal… a nearly identical face:
  Grimm: Ooh, faced!
  - As Reuben tries to make his escape, he remarks how Batman is better than his mysterious benefactors gave him credit for:
    Reuben Irons: And you know something about me… …and what I DO?
    Batman: I know… you're a stone killer.
    Linkara: [as Batman] That rock had a FAMILY, YOU MONSTER!
    Linkara: I had to look this up, because I had assumed that he meant "stone cold killer", but apparently, a "stone killer" is an actual term, referring to a Mafia hitman who's not a member of the Mafia. So, like Elmer Fudd last episode!
Batman tries to subdue Reuben by throwing a batarang at his gun, but it goes off, the stray bullet hitting the scientist's daughter:
Batman: [thinking] The echo of that one gunshot assaulted all who saw... with the reality of what just happened. All save me. I couldn't believe it.
Robin Hood: I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script! [pulls out a script and opens it]
Linkara has gone through several lines of weirdly scripted dialogue in this issue alone, but this line from Batman takes the cake:
Batman: You DARE to continue to EXIST!
Linkara: The dialogue in this is like some bad literal translation from another language; if Batman yells "I won't forgive you!", we'll know this was originally in Japanese.
- An enraged Batman punches Reuben and knocks a tooth out, continuing his rather eclectic manner of speaking:
  Batman: I hate, hate, hate the breath in your lungs... The ground you walk on. And the space you FOUL with your PRESENCE.
  Linkara: [as Batman, "shaking" Reuben] I'M ALSO NOT PARTICULARLY FOND OF YOUR CHOICE OF HAIRSTYLES! RAAAAARGHGHGHGH!
  - Reuben recovers and tries to kick Batman, but he manages to withstand the blow:
    Reuben: Ah… the great Batman. …Know what I did? Huh?
    Batman: You shot a kid you… scum!
    Linkara: In today's episode, the role of Batman will be played by the Phantom Dictator of Krankor.
    Phantom Dictator: I've got you now, you scum!
    Batman: ...Sssssscum! Stay with me.
    Linkara: [as Batman] I'm going to try to hold that "S" even longer on "scum"; stay with me here. [starts hissing]
After unloading on Reuben some more, Gordon decides to show mercy and begs Batman to stop:
Batman: STOP? I will RIP his still beating heart from his worthless body. UMPH! UMPH, UMPH, UMPH.
Linkara: [as Batman] My career as an EDM producer starts now, Jim! UMPH, UMPH, UMPH, UMPH.
Batman: I will send your criminal soul to the deepest depth of Hell... forever!
Linkara: [as Batman] You're worse than One-Face, you jerk scum!
- After a random photographer wanders onto the scene, Batman steals his camera and takes a photo of the severely-beaten Reuben, showing said photo to the camera's owner:
  Batman: THERE, see... Did you hear him?
  Photographer: N...No. Yes! I heard...
  Batman: Good, now get back, or I will shove this camera—
  Linkara: [as Batman] I am trying to murder someone right now, and I don't have time for you to take pictures of it!
The scene cuts to the Batcave as Alfred finishes patching up Bruce, who notably doesn't have any bandages on him:
Alfred: The bleeding has stopped.
Bruce: Matter of opinion.
Alfred: Master Bruce.
Bruce: Um?
Alfred: Do you know what this is? [rubs his thumb and index finger together]
Bruce: I have a suspicion...
Linkara: [as Batman] I don't know why you're making the sex gesture, but feel free to explain it to me.
Alfred: It's the smallest violin in the world.
Bruce: And it's playing a sad tune.
Alfred: Just for you.
Linkara: [as Batman, singing] HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEE?
- Bruce presses Alfred to discuss a secret he kept from him, at the behest of his own father:
  Linkara: [as Alfred] Master Bruce... Your father didn't hate rock and roll.
  Linkara: [as Batman] That's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLLLLE!
  - In the middle of that scene, Deadman randomly appears and yells at Batman to warn Robin about something... which Batman doesn't notice since Deadman can't be seen or heard unless he possesses someone, leading Linkara to wonder why he doesn't just possess Alfred and tell Bruce all this.
Back at the docks, Talia shows Batman a photo album she took from Wayne Manor that contains two particular photos, one that reveals Bruce and Talia were childhood friends, and another that we the readers do not get to see:
Batman: You know what this means? Has to mean?
Linkara: [as Batman] I ate too much ice cream and threw up all over you! Why would we keep that photo?!
- Suddenly, Bruce and Talia are interrupted by Man-Bat:
  Man-Bat: HAND ME THAT FOLIO! GIVE ME THAT FOLIO, YOU FOOL!
  Linkara: "Folio"? It's like someone took the Super Dictionary and tried to make a comic out of the weird vignettes in it; watch as Man-Bat's next sentence is defining what a folio is, then Lex Luthor's going to come running in having stolen forty cakes! [beat] And that's terrible!
Talia talks to Man-Bat, telling him she told Batman nothing:
Man-Bat: HA! You pitiable, used eunuch.
Linkara: [begins to speak, but stops] Okay, I was going to point out yet another out-of-nowhere bit of dialogue with that, but... honestly, I'm kind of impressed with how good of an insult that is. Kudos.
- As Man-Bat claims to Batman he is not Kirk Langstrom, yet another random character shows up, a man dressed in a blue and purple getup:
  Random Guy: Turn for your death, foul boil on the rump of your diseased ruler!
  Linkara: I have no idea what's going on, but their insult game is scoring left and right!
  Man-Bat: Huh?... Who are you?
  Random Guy: Your death, jelly roll.
  Linkara: And... never mind; insult game back to zero.
In quick succession, we see Man-Bat revealed to actually be Ra's al Ghul's manservant Ubu, a Robin with a "P" on his shirt declaring Batman "the chosen", and last but not least, A GIANT MANTA RAY LEAPING OUT OF THE OCEAN AND STABBING UBU IN THE CHEST:
Dana Freeling: WHAT'S HAPPENIIIIING?!
- Batman demands to know who sent the manta ray, and Aquaman suddenly appears:
  Linkara: I'm sorry, but the end of this comic has just devolved into "And then this happened! And then this happened!" There is no context or explanation for why this is suddenly all occurring at once!
  - Aquaman explains that he knows about the incident at the pier and believes Batman doesn't have the stomach to kill his enemies; Batman realizes Robin called the Justice League to check in on him:
    Linkara: [as Superman] Well, if he's this close to the edge, better send Aquaman down there to show him how good killing is; make sure he's okay with it. [shrugs]
The issue ends with Batman diving into the water to rescue Ubu, but Linkara thinks he's actually trying to escape all the crazy stuff happening on the pier.
The post-credits stinger:
Batman: I will finish the job THAT YOU HAVE BEGUN SO BADLY.
Linkara: [as Batman] Geez, how do you screw up killing a guy with a manta ray?! I gotta do everything myself around here!

662: PATREON: The Dresden Files: Storm Front, Vol. 1: The Gathering Storm

After Linkara admits that he's going into this review completely blind, he does admit Dresden wears a nice Badass Longcoat and brings out his old coat... only to be reminded of how sweaty it makes him. He goes for a jacket and admits he's still going to sweat in it, too, but at least the colors work better.
The story opens on a shot of a window reading "Harry Dresden: Wizard":
Linkara: Although, on his taxes, he's "Professional Magician and Consultant"; the IRS can be sticklers about these kinds of things.
Before setting out on his latest case, Harry Dresden is visited by a mailman:
Mailman: Nice gag, pal. What do you really do?
Harry Dresden: (sigh) I'm a Wizard, just like the sign says.
Linkara: [as Dresden] And no, you can't see the conical hat; I only wear the uniform when I'm on the job.
Mailman: Oh, I get it. Kid's parties. Stuff like that.
Linkara: No, pinball, actually.
- Dresden thinks to himself about his annoyance at people not taking his profession seriously, even if he doesn't blame them:
  Dresden: [thinking] I am the only openly practicing Wizard in beautiful downtown Chicago— And I wasn't getting much practice.
  Linkara: [as Dresden] I've been meaning to transform this stack of papers on my desk into a broom for weeks now, but I just haven't gotten around to it.
Dresden later meets up with his contact in the Chicago P.D., Lt. Karrin Murphy:
Lt. Karrin Murphy: Don't you have any other jackets, Dresden?
Dresden: What's wrong with this one?
Lt. Murphy: Everything. You look like you just walked off the set of El Dorado.
Linkara: And? It's awesome!
- They look around the victim's apartment; Dresden turns on the stereo, which plays the jazz standard "Fly Me to the Moon" until the music keeps skipping:
  Dresden: [thinking] I have problems with electronics. I guess magic doesn't like technology. The more delicate the device the more likely something goes wrong.
  Linkara: Ah well, it's not like Evangelion needed that copy of "Fly Me to the Moon" for its new dub.
  - Dresden then finds the victim, whose chest exploded while having sex; he comes to the conclusion that this was a premeditated magical attack, in direct violation of the First Law of Magic:
    Lt. Murphy: Magic?
    Dresden: Either that— Or really incredible sex.
    Linkara: And this is why you consult with your doctor before taking Viagra.
  - Linkara's remark that it looks like the victims were attacked by a xenomorph becomes much funnier for readers of the series, as a Lawyer-Friendly Cameo of one, or rather a fae creature disguised as one, actually shows up in one of the later books.
Dresden believes the person responsible is a woman:
Dresden: You can't do something like that without a whole lot of hate— —and women hate better than men.
Linkara: Think there are some genocidal dictators who'd have to disagree, Harry, but keep on being a dick, I guess.
- After further examination, Lt. Murphy identifies the deceased male who had sex with the victim as a mafioso named Tommy Tomm:
  Linkara: Okay, is that his real name or his Mafia name? Either way, this family is not very imaginative.
  - Lt. Murphy inquires about how the spell was done, but Dresden gets cold feet, both because he doesn't know the spell in question, and because attempting to recreate said spell risks putting him in even deeper trouble with the governing body of Wizards, the White Council:
    Lt. Murphy: Harry, please. I need your help on this.
    Dresden: [thinking] From tough cop to damsel in distress in a heartbeat— I always was a sucker for a dame.
    Linkara: The Dresden pulp novels.
Dresden is eventually picked up by another mobster, Gentleman Johnny Marcone, who asks him not to investigate Tommy Tomm's death; he refuses, and the two lock eyes:
Dresden: [thinking] When you look into someone's eyes, you see them in that other light.
Linkara: [as Dresden] In a blacklight. My God, the stains on that man's face; does he not use soap?!
- Dresden intuits in the resulting soulgaze that Marcone wants to take matters into his own hands and solve Tommy Tomm's murder himself, and still refuses to cooperate despite feeling intimidated:
  Johnny Marcone: I won't force my business on you, Mr. Dresden. It's just some advice. Come down with the flu until things blow over.
  Dresden: I don't like threats, John.
  Marcone: You're a Wizard, Mr. Dresden, a regular magus [prounounced "mah-jus"].
  Linkara: [as Dresden] It's pronounced "may-gus".
  Linkara: [as Marcone] What? No, it's derived from "magician" and "Magi"! Why would it be "may-gus"? Why would it have a long "A" sound and a hard "G" when the other two don't?
  Linkara: [as Dresden] Look, don't ask me, John; it's just, everyone told Linkara about that in the Infinity War review, and… it's actually the correct way it's pronounced.
  Linkara: [as Marcone] English is a really stupid language, isn't it?
Later at a bar, Dresden is met by reporter Susan Rodriguez; she tries to get him to answer her questions about Tommy Tomm, but ends up asking him out on a date instead:
Susan Rodriguez: I'll pick you up at nine. Don't wear that jacket.
Linkara: What is everyone's aversion to his coat?! It's not like the Colin Baker Sixth Doctor coat here; I'd understand the contempt for that — although, they'd be wrong on that, too; that coat is also amazing — but at least I'd get it!
Dresden drives out to the lake house where Victor Sells was known to spend time and searches for clues:
Dresden: [thinking] The film canister told me somebody else had been snooping, too.
Linkara: [as Dresden] And they're a litterbug... the archenemy of Wizards!
Dresden: [thinking] It was breezy, cool and clear. A perfect night for catching faeries…
Linkara: [as Dresden] Harry's eatin' good tonight!
- Dresden sets up a faerie trap to gather more information, and he manages to capture one named Toot-Toot:
  Linkara: Wow, I take it back; Tommy Tomm's parents were actually pretty nice, given the other possibilities out there.
Donald Morgan, a Warden for the White Council, arrives to take Dresden in, but Dresden manages to convince him to sheathe his sword, only to punch him when he starts getting rough again:
Dresden: Look, if you've got Council business with me, so be it.
Linkara: [as Morgan] Ugh, fine. Look, the annual White Council bake sale is next week, and we could use some extra hands...
- Morgan explains that he believes Harry killed Victor; Dresden tries to explain himself, but earns a punch to the face for his trouble:
  Donald Morgan: We'll be watching you, Dresden. We'll find out what really happened.
  Linkara: [as Morgan] Admittedly, with the bake sale and all, we're really swamped, but we'll, like... TiVo you and watch it later to find the truth; it's all good.
Dresden decides to partake in some alchemy in preparation for a meeting with a vampire courtesan named Bianca St. Claire, so he enlists the help of a talking skull named Bob, who Linkara decides to give the voice of The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra:
Bob: You know, most men have better things to do in the middle of the night than play with their chemistry sets.
The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra: That is how stupid you are. Only my skeleton brain lives.
Dresden: As a matter of fact, I'm set up for Saturday night. Dark hair, dark eyes. Smart, sexy as hell.
Bob: Really. If she's so great, what's she doing with you? I could juggle what you know about women.
The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra: There are those who feel threatened by me whenever I threaten them.
- Bob agrees to help Dresden make an escape potion, if he also makes a love potion; Dresden complies, since he doesn't have to actually use it:
  Linkara: This is just a really roundabout way of Bob trying to tell Harry that he loves him.
The meeting with Bianca goes poorly for Dresden as she attacks him after mentioning Jennifer Stanton's murder; he defends himself by pulling out a talisman that contains sunlight, causing Bianca to shed her skin and reveal her true form of a giant bat creature:
Dresden: CHRIST, LADY, I ONLY CAME TO TALK!
Linkara: Hey now, Harry; some men pay extra for this when coming to an escort service.
Dresden follows up on the tip Bianca gave him and calls Linda Randall, a former employee of hers who used to go on calls with Jennifer:
Linda Randall: Who's this?
Dresden: Harry Dresden. I'm a private investigator.
Linda: Investigating my privates? I like you already.
Linkara: So in this world, Harry could've had one of those "I'm F.B.I.: Female Body Inspector" shirts, and women would've actually been charmed by that.
After being attacked by an unknown assailant, Dresden crawls back home and rambles to himself, bemoaning his current situation:
Dresden: No. You are not some poor rabbit, Dresden! You are a Wizard of the old school, a spell slinger of the highest caliber!
Linkara: [as Dresden] You're not a rabbit; you turn other people into rabbits!
After going to the police station to meet with Lt. Murphy, Dresden runs into a junkie high on a new designer drug, ThreeEye, who yells that he can see "He Who Walks Behind"; this raises Dresden's suspicions, since he was marked by a spectral hitman who goes by that name, and he can only be seen by someone with the "Third Sight":
Dresden: [thinking] And that junkie had been no Wizard. Was it possible the drug actually worked?
Linkara: Well, gee, Harry; the drug is called "ThreeEye", and you need "Third Sight" to see that kind of thing! I don't know! It's a real puzzler, and you're the detective here.
- After putting the clues together with Lt. Murphy, Dresden surmises Jennifer and Tommy Tomm were killed as a result of a gang war centered around ThreeEye versus traditional narcotics:
  Linkara: Man, PSA Hell episodes would be really different if we were living in this reality…
  - Later that evening, two junkies take a hit of ThreeEye and are dragged away by a creature enveloped in a giant cloud of smoke:
    Linkara: Yep, PSA Hell! I knew it! It's that villain Smokescreen pushing a different kind of drug than cigarettes this time! [beat] And wow, that episode was from 2009; does anyone even remember that one?
Susan arrives for her date with Dresden, only for the two of them to be intercepted by a toadlike demon arriving in their realm disguised in a rainstorm; the two take cover as the demon just stands at the doorway:
Susan: Why isn't it coming in?
Dresden: Homestead laws. It isn't a mortal creature— It has to gather its energies to push through the barrier around a home.
Linkara: [as Dresden] FOR THE NINTH TIME, I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT ANY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!
- Dresden sequesters Susan in his basement as the demon breaks in, and arms himself with a magic staff:
  Dresden: Out! Out! You're not welcome here!
  Linkara: [as Dresden] I don't care about your kids' band uniforms; the chocolate bars they sell suck!
After telling Susan to drink the escape potion only for it to seemingly fail, Dresden sets up a protective spell that forces them to wait until dawn for the demon to go away; Bob informs Dresden that Susan actually took the love potion by mistake:
Susan: We're going to die tonight, aren't we? Have you ever thought you'd want to die making love?
Linkara: I mean, death by snoo snoo might seem fun, but given the whole heart-exploding thing from earlier, I'm guessing dying while having sex isn't quite as neat.
- This leads to Susan continuously trying to have sex with Dresden:
  Dresden: [thinking] She was beyond reason— The potion had kicked her libido into suicidal overdrive.
  Linkara: Marketing really needs to be more accurate on the title of this thing; "horny lust potion" is kind of different from a "love potion".
  - Running out of options, Dresden lets Bob out of the skull for 24 hours in exchange for getting them the escape potion:
    The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra: For only by understanding the enemy can we ever hope to... understand the enemy.
After teleporting out of the house, Dresden is met by a cloaked figure, a phantasm representing the one who sent the toad demon to kill them; Dresden then gives the phantasm the magical equivalent of a slap to the face, catching it by surprise:
Phantasm: How did you do that?
Dresden: I went to school.
Linkara: [as Dresden] Eat me, Ferris Bueller!
- The volume ends with Dresden vanquishing the demon via lightning, collapsing on the ground as he asks Susan if he can schedule another date next weekend:
  Linkara: Eh, I've been on worse first dates.
The post-credits stinger:
Dresden: [thinking] It took everything I had to hold the image of what I wanted in my mind—
Linkara: [as Dresden, thinking] Don't get a boner while casting the spell. Don't get a boner while casting the spell!

663: US-1 #10

Linkara looks over the issue's cover, which features Baron Von Blimp, his dirigible, U.S. Archer's truck, and Taryn O'Connell:
Tagline: Who is the Highwayman?
Linkara: Wait, are they suggesting that one of the four things on this cover is the Highwayman? If that's the case, my guess is the blimp; no one would ever expect it.
The issue proper begins with the Highwayman having just made his appearance:
Highwayman: So you've learned at last that my agent, Midnight, was really your friendly waitress, Mary McGrill.
Linkara: [as the Highwayman] I was going to surprise you with this on your birthday, but I guess that's ruined.
Highwayman: Who else but I, the Highwayman, could have engineered such a delightfully devastating scenario.
Linkara: I mean... if it wasn't some rando we never met before, there were really only two viable options. Again, if it was the blimp, that would've been diabolical.
Highwayman: Who else but the Highwayman would have the imagination to attack your insignificant little truck stop— —by engaging the services of Baron Von Blimp and... how imaginative... his squadron of neo-Nazis.
Linkara: [as the Highwayman] I, uh... didn't actually know about the Nazis when I hired him. I, um... This makes paying them kind of awkward...
- He exposits about how the Hypno-Whip froze everyone in place, and how Mary was just as much under his thrall as those she used the whip on:
  Highwayman: Yet you managed to defeat her, negating the whip's effect, leaving her in this quasi-enthralled state.
  Linkara: [as the Highwayman] Do you know how hard it is to run boot recovery on a person?! Takes, like... six hours!
  Highwayman: You have managed to thwart me at every turn, Ulysses Solomon Archer, but no more!
  Linkara: [as the Highwayman] The series is going to end soon, so dammit, we need to start wrapping this up!
Archer tries to run the Highwayman over with his truck, but the attack is interrupted by the Highwayman's own vehicle, the Blackrig:
Highwayman: You see, my friend, I, too have mental mastery of my truck, and I don't need to have a metal plate inserted in my skull to achieve that end.
Linkara: [as the Highwayman] Being part of the Marvel Universe, I'm actually a mutant; it's just, my power is weirdly specific to just this one truck.
Highwayman: It is time I eliminated you once and for all! You have been a thorn in my side as long as I can remember, U.S.! Now we will vie for total supremacy on the highways and all that that entails.
Linkara: So, by "eliminate him once and for all", you meant, like... a race?
- Before that, though, the Highwayman releases Mary from his control:
  Linkara: [as Mary] Huh?! Ah! Oh... Oh-Oh, wow; this outfit really shows off my girls! Hey, Ulysses!
Archer finally decides to cut to the chase and asks the Highwayman why he is putting him and the rest of the gang through this:
Archer: I mean, what have I ever done to you? Up until a little while ago, I'd never even heard of you.
Linkara: [as the Highwayman] Look, every Marvel hero needs a primary antagonist who's basically them, but evil; there's an entire company specializing in training villains like this. I got lucky being assigned to you; at the training orientation, we had Miss Indifference, NHL SuperPro, and Ram: Worst of the Spaceknights.
- Archer recalls when he and his brother Jeff first encountered the Highwayman, after discussing his potential career path:
  Archer: Suddenly, you pulled alongside of us.
  Linkara: [as Archer] It was weird that you kept signaling us to honk our horn; don't you have one of your own?
  - He then remembers how he lost his brother after the Highwayman and his demons attacked:
    Archer: I was saved by the doctors. They put the metal cap in my skull and patched me back together.
    Linkara: [as Archer] And now I taste copper in my mouth anytime a Maroon 5 song plays on the radio.
    Highwayman: Yes, an unfortunate miscalculation on my part. I never meant for you to be hurt in the crash.
    Linkara: I'm curious how exactly you planned on keeping him alive after you RAN HIS TRUCK OFF A CLIFF! Like, were there safety mats down there, and the truck missed?
The Highwayman tells Archer that Jeff is indeed still alive, and he demands to know his wherabouts:
Highwayman: You will learn the answer to those questions when I wish you to—and not before!
Linkara: [as the Highwayman] Presumably, before I've "eliminated you once and for all". Or after, I guess; I'm not picky.
As Archer prepares to let loose on the Highwayman, Baron Von Blimp enters the fray:
Baron Von Blimp: Fear not, Herr Highwayman. Baron Von Blimp vill not let zem harm you!
Retread: M-My gosh, the Baron's so mad he's chewing on his sword.
Linkara: What? It's been a long day, and he needs a snack. Have you tried a sword before? Maybe it tastes good.
- However, the Baron loses his footing and falls to the ground:
  Highwayman: You've ruined my wonderful moment of dramatic revelation!
  Linkara: [as the Highwayman] Ugh, goddammit. Look, U.S., can we try this again tomorrow? I think we've lost the moment here.
  - The Baron points out a mysterious object above the group, and they look up to discover the aliens have arrived in their massive UFO:
    Archer: It's a spaceship!
    Taryn: Well, that certainly took a lot of insight.
    Linkara: Taryn, we have Nazis and truckers and blimps and supervillains and super-trucks, and now ALIENS! Sometimes, you just need to take a second to acknowledge the obvious, because what the hell else can you say?!
    Alien: Your time is up, Highwayman. You have had your opportunities, now we will take matters into our own tentacles!
    Linkara: [as the alien] Thank you for your hard work with the company, but firing you will increase our profits substantially; a complimentary gift basket is on your desk.
As Archer gives chase to the Highwayman, the aliens observe:
Alien: Golly, Gidney, looks like the Highwayman is going to get away again.
Linkara: [as Gidney] Ugh, typical episodic show needing to restore the status quo at the end; you know, this is why serialized shows got so popular.
During the chase, the Highwayman manages to send Archer careening off the road by using his truck's grappling claws against him:
Archer: [thinking] Got to strain every muscle in my body, twist around so that on the next turn I can get hold of the wheel!
Linkara: What's strange is that this is not the weirdest Fast and the Furious sequel I've seen.
- After detaching himself from the Blackrig, Archer tries to take a shortcut by driving down a hill:
  Highwayman: Ha! That fool still hasn't learned his lesson. I could destroy him now, but I prefer to toy with him.
  Linkara: [as the Highwayman] Man, I talk to myself a lot… Am I just afraid that if I stay silent, I'll start thinking about the terrible choices I've made with my life?
  - After failing to immobilize the Blackrig with his heat-seeking missiles, Archer tries another tack:
    Archer: What'll you do when your tires hit these razor-sharp coltrops?
    Linkara: Well, first, he'll wonder what the hell a "coltrop" is, since the things you're dropping are "caltrops"… Although, maybe "coltrops" are what these spike things are, because those aren't what a caltrop is.
    Editor's Note: *Bio-degradable, of course, so they won't pose a threat to innocent motorists who may follow.
    Linkara: Oh, good; so the roads will be safe again in… several years.
Archer unleashes his final weapons, a smokescreen and an oil slick, but unfortunately, the Blackrig is capable of FLIGHT:
Rex Viper Rigs: Over-the-road racing. Above the road, under the road! Who knows?!
- The Highwayman immobilizes Archer, and descends from the Blackrig for another face-to-face confrontation:
  Archer: You were about to tell me before, Highwayman. What is the point of all this? Where did you get all of your amazing technology from?
  Linkara: [as the Highwayman] Ugh, Apple, believe it or not; the real reason I painted the whole thing black was to cover up the logo all over it.
The comic ends with the Highwayman revealing his true identity… none other than Archer's long-lost brother, Jeff:
Archer: Jeff! It's you! B-But it can't be! You were wearing a mask all along!
Linkara: [as Archer] And wow, your outfit looks considerably less impressive when there isn't a constant shadow over all of it; it's just this kind of weird purple onesie with footies on it.
Mike Nelson: There. Sure glad I don't look stupid in this.
The post-credits stinger:
Archer: Why did you attack me, Jeff? What made you carry on this masquerade?! Why did you do it, Jeff? Why?
Jeff: Ah, but that's the question, isn't it, little brother?
Linkara: [as Jeff] And it's going to take Linkara a whole other year before you get those answers! [smiles]

664: Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters #6

The book begins with Sgt. Woods leading Allie down a deserted road:
Allie: Can't we go another way? I don't like this road at all. How come there's so many icky bugs everywhere?
Linkara: Well, that's what happens if you don't pay for road infrastructure, Allie; the bugs stage a revolution and claim it as their own.
- Sgt. Woods examines a group of dead spiders, and remembers that each monster's arrival was marked by similar deaths, with fish, birds, and cows:
  Sgt. Woods: [thinking] No. No. No. There's plenty to be scared of.
  Linkara: Especially if you're Spiders-Man, the alternate universe Spider-Man who's a collective of spiders that think they're Peter Parker. And yes, that's a real thing, and no, that's not what I was referring to weeks ago with a single spider that thought it was Peter Parker.
  - Suddenly, the ground shakes, and Sgt. Woods carries Allie away before the spider kaiju Kumonga bursts out from underground:
    Linkara: [as Kumonga] There, finally killed all those other spiders infesting my new home! Damn freeloaders…
At the White House, President Ogden delivers an address:
Pres. Ogden: Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States will conduct an operation to kill Godzilla, a creature responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent men, women and children.
Linkara: [as Pres. Ogden] Unfortunately, several state governments have refused to help in stopping Godzilla, saying they don't want big government interference in things that "aren't real problems", in their words.
Pres. Ogden: Nearly a month ago, Godzilla rose from the Pacific Ocean and senselessly attacked Japan. Since then, he has spread death and destruction not only in Asia, but within our own borders.
Linkara: [as Pres. Ogden] Oddly, this has not affected his merchandise sales.
- The scene shifts to a homeless couple listening to the speech over the radio:
  Homeless Man: <sigh> I miss my corporate credit card.
  Linkara: [as the homeless man] All I got is my own American Express card; I can't afford the nicer shopping cart with that!
  - Pres. Ogden reveals how he plans to tackle protecting the nation, taking down Godzilla, and improving the economy simultaneously:
    Pres. Ogden: Yesterday, I was briefed by my think-tank on a possible course of action... a plan conceived and designed by a team headed by Dr. Yamada of Japan, the foremost expert on the monster epidemic.
    Linkara: [as Pres. Ogden] Ladies and gentlemen of the press, today I am here to tell you about the Ultraman Initiative.
    Linkara: I'm actually not too far off with that joke, but let's continue.
    Pres. Ogden: And today, I authorized Operation Two Birds One Stone, an action that will put the American auto industry back to work while addressing the monster problem.
    Linkara: [as Pres. Ogden] Godzilla-themed Kia Souls are on their way.
    Pres. Ogden: I'm happy to announce to the American people that the struggling city of Detroit will house the factories that will produce our first and last line of defense…
    Linkara: [as Pres. Ogden] RoboCop!
The reveal of Mechagodzilla is not met with glowing praise:
Husband: A giant robot-monster?!
Wife: He can't be serious! Is this some kind of joke?!
Linkara: [as the wife] Man, I can't wait for Anton York to be our next president!
In South Dakota, a Native American man witnesses Godzilla destroying Mount Rushmore:
Native American Man: An unstoppable juggernaut destroying sacred monuments. The irony.
Linkara: GET IT?!
Linkara brings up how the author of the series, Eric Powell's stated goal of bringing back the commentary from the original Godzilla film falls flat due to the book's nihilistic worldview:
Linkara: If we transplanted this story into the 1954 Godzilla, the hospital scene would've had angry children screaming, "Don't kill Godzilla! He's our friend!" before they all got stomped on, and Serizawa would've been all, "Hell yeah! Let's use the Oxygen Destroyer! But you've got to pay me first; I'll sell my weapon of mass destruction to the highest bidder, because money matters more to me than anything else, just like everyone else in America! Also, it doesn't work, and we're all gonna die."
- He also talks about Powell's original outline for the series, addressing the idea that the stupidity of both the common folk and those in charge inevitably lead to mankind's own undoing:
  Linkara: ...not gonna criticize that point at all, go on.
A stereotypical hillbilly is being interviewed about him taking in a Mexican family during the monster attacks:
Hillbilly: These poor folks ain't got nowhere to go, and… hell, to turn 'em away just wouldn't be Christian.
Linkara: [as the hillbilly] Honestly, my only complaint is, they keep starin' at my trucker hat as if they're confused by the concept of a fish on there.
In the forest, Sgt. Woods and Allie begin cooking a meal:
Sgt. Woods: Ready for some beans, Allie?
Allie: I don't like beans.
Sgt. Woods: Well, honey, beggars can't be choosers these days. Food's gonna be scarce. Gotta take what you can get.
Linkara: [as Allie] Yeah, but those are raw kidney beans, and you only put them on there, like, two seconds ago; they haven't cooked yet.
Linkara: [as Sgt. Woods] Shut up and eat your damn beans!
- Allie spots lights on the freeway in the distance and wants to check it out, but Sgt. Woods advises against it, saying they could be attacked for their supplies:
  Sgt. Woods: You wouldn't want them to take all our yummy beans, would you?
  Linkara: [as Allie] So this is what they mean when they say the living will envy the dead…
  - Unbeknownst to them, however, an unseen presence is watching them, who is apparently Batman due to the white triangles used for eyes similar to Bruce Timm's design:
    Linkara: [as Batman] Dammit! I knew I should've told Alfred to put some beans in the utility belt…
Mechagodzilla is unleashed and puts up a decent fight against Godzilla, but runs into trouble when a blast of atomic breath hits its back, damaging the remote stability and logic sensors:
Pres. Ogden: I thought you said MG was insulated against Godzilla's nuclear blasts?!
Scientist: He is. In the front. A rear assault was so unlikely that we only insulated his anterior in an effort to be more cost-effective. Sorry.
Mike Nelson: [singing] I'm the government, I'm the government, I'm the reason nothing works!
- As a result, the onboard A.I. goes rogue and forces Mechagodzilla to attack Atlanta, Georgia:
  Chris Knight: Would you classify that as a launch problem or a design problem?
A couple looking to move to Detroit using the money they received from the Mechagodzilla project is told by the realtor that Mechagodzilla will be so popular that everyone will want one and they'll have a steady work schedule; suddenly, a paperboy tosses a newspaper reporting on Mechagodzilla destroying Atlanta:
Other Husband: I'll give you twenty bucks for it.
Linkara: Seems like a steep price for a newspaper, but... [shrugs] inflation.
The post-credits stinger:
Scientist: A rear assault was so unlikely that we only insulated his anterior in an effort to be more cost-effective. Sorry.
Pres. Ogden: You're sorry?! Don't apologize! Fix it!
Linkara: [as the scientist] Um… Okay, sir; I guess I'll just... walk out a few states away and… add an insulating layer to its back in the next ten minutes.

665: DC Challenge! #3

The title card is a crazed Linkara taking a chomp out of a vulture's neck with a box on the corner reading "Nutrition Facts: DON'T *Gluten Free".
Linkara reminds us that because this book was released and set before Crisis on Infinite Earths, it gave the writers of the book an excuse to use obscure characters they might not get another chance to again:
Linkara: Ah, the sweet naïveté that DC won't continually reboot the universe or bring out obscure characters for retcons or the like… Or that Grant Morrison won't exist.
Linkara goes over the cover, and discusses a particular character that caught his eye — a massive green creature with reptilian scales and a mutton chop beard:
Linkara: Evolution was not kind to you, was it, dude?
Linkara reveals this issue was written by Doug Moench, who wrote the godawful JLA: Act of God mini-series and the serviceable Batman Vampire trilogy that Moarte looked at a few years ago and suggests we go watch those to make him happy as he's getting his show set up again:
Moarte: [from offscreen] I'm going to turn your cats into my familiars and have them claw your eyes out!
Linkara: And I'll turn your damn longbox into a litterbox!
The issue begins with Jon Haraldson, the Viking Prince, keeping watch during the night before hearing a horn:
Viking Prince: [thinking] The signal horn— to be sounded only when a ship breaches the fjord… …and yet no ship approaches — nor does anyone man the horn.
Linkara: Someone's going to jump up and blow an air horn right in his face.
- The Viking Prince spies a glow coming from the rune cavern, which he notes to be a sacred place:
  Viking Prince: [thinking] …where the songs and stories of our skalds are carved into the solid rock walls.
  Linkara: [as the Viking Prince] Unfortunately, that also includes the really terrible ones, too; the last single by "Scalding Oil" was, like, eight minutes long and really whiny. I hear the remix on the southwest cave wall was better, though.
  - Suddenly, a man in a white suit and a top hat shows up out of nowhere:
    Mysterious Sharp-Dressed Man: Ahhh, yes. Hardly a euphonious tintinnabulation from that overgrown Axe of Gabriel... ...especially without wetting one's whistle in anticipatory fashion. But otherwise, it is mollifying to so egregiously indulge one's entertainment fantasies, is it not?
    Linkara: Oh, indeed it is. [beat] Who the hell are you?
Inside the cavern, the Viking Prince sees a man dressed in similar garb to him using a futuristic laser to carve pictures on the wall:
Viking Prince: That… that "stick" — emitting strange fire — causing the glow! The sacred runes! What are you doing to them?!
Linkara: [as the Viking Prince] My God, you're changing the ending to my screenplay! Now the third act is useless!
- It turns out the Viking carving on the cave is named Hrolf, was previously dead, and has unwittingly released a purple spirit not unlike those seen in the previous issues:
  Viking Prince: Some manner of demon — flowing from his chest! And now Hrolf's body falls lifeless — as the demon attacks me!
  Linkara: [as the Viking Prince] And now I'm narrating what's going on out loud in a very unnatural manner!
  Mysterious Sharp-Dressed Man: You were expecting profuse solicitude, perchance?
  Viking Prince: Who—?
  Mysterious Sharp-Dressed Man: The appellation is Cuthbert J. McGonigle.
  Linkara: Oh… [beat] WHO?!
  - Like with Isaac Newton in Secret Empire, Linkara went to Twitter for help in identifying this mysterious man, and the answer he got back is… complicated, to say the least; apparently, he is meant to be W. C. Fields, with the character's name combining two of his film roles, Cuthbert J. Twillie and The Great McGonigle:
    Linkara: So naturally, this portmanteau of W. C. Fields character names is… hanging out in Viking times… and narrating loudly. [beat] You know, eventually, this book will explain everything, and yet I can't help but feel that no explanation is ever going to be satisfying.
With the demon's help, McGonigle knocks out the Viking Prince, then pulls out a laser gun to "eliminate the incriminating evidence":
Cuthbert J. McGonigle: …by imbuing and otherwise inculcating the lance with that which is the transmogrified essence of the corpus delicti. Ahhh, yesss. The lambency of his lifeforce will inexorably fade from the instrument which so felicitously sheathes it…
Jules Winnfield: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
The comic then recaps the events from the previous issues, in the style of the aliens discovered by Daily Planet employee Floyd Perkins in the first issue giving a progress report:
Report: Subject Floyd, Daily Planet copy boy, accidentally barged in on briefing 23.
Linkara: [as the alien] He was ejected for having forgotten to bring doughnuts.
Report: Soon thereafter, and according to plan— —Gotham was threatened with nuclear annihilation. Subject Batman eliminated the threat by cutting the power cables to the city.
Linkara: And as a reminder, the nuke was stored in the Betamax player in his house.
Linkara: [as Batman] Has my quest against VHS tapes been wrong this whole time? Was Betamax actually the real evil?! [beat] No, no! They were just corrupting the holy and pure Beta with their evil scheme…
Report: He was left with two clues: a stone tablet concerning the knights of old…
Linkara: "The answers can be found at Castle Aaaaaarrrrgh."
Report: …and a cryptic sequence of numbers.
Linkara: Thus, one of the inspirations for Lost.
Report: Meanwhile, as a result of the earthquake at the San Diego Zoo, the mythological manticore rose up from a fissure... ...and, when last seen, held Subject Congorilla in one huge hand and Subject B'wana Beast in the other, crushing the life from both.
Linkara: [as the alien] Congorilla made it weird when he suddenly yelled out "Harder, Daddy!" [beat] Still, it did get the manticore to stop.
Report: At the same time, Subject Aquaman took what were possibly his last steps across the scorching Sahara Desert. Should he fail to come in contact with his native element of water within an hour— —vultures will feast.
Linkara: [as the alien] If he succeeds, vultures will order takeout.
Report: On the Moon, Subject Superman punched Mongul into the relay device— —causing it to explode.
Linkara: [as the alien] In retrospect, making our relay out of old Galaxy Note 7s was a bad idea.
Report: When the smoke cleared, the Kryptonian found nothing but a crater — and the symbol of someone dead.
Linkara: [as Superman] Why is the symbol for Google Stadia in here?
Report: Subject Jonah Hex, catapulted through time to 1985, was trapped in a swerving vehicle. And that is the current status of Project X...
Linkara: [as the alien] Although, we're thinking of turning it into a found footage movie instead.
The mystery of dead celebrities seemingly coming back to life is finally explained — the aliens were copying the images of characters they were watching on television, with both Humphrey Bogart and Peter Lorre coming from The Maltese Falcon:
Linkara: So the true enemy here is Turner Classic Movies?
Mongul meets with the aliens after having escaped from the battle with Superman, with him being given a stern talking-to for leaving a clue for Superman to follow:
Alien: I want you to get back to their moon with another relay device at once — or Project X will never be successfully completed.
Linkara: [as the alien] Ugh, at this point, it's going to end up being a teen comedy or something.
Jonah Hex manages to steer the car away from the pedestrians, expositing aloud as he does so:
Hex: Ah saw that pointy-eared hombre twistin' this here wheel tuh make us go round the corners… …an' since ah ain't got no time tuh do nuthin' else— —might as well give it a try.
Crow T. Robot: Let's tell each other what we're going to do before we do it, and then do it!
- Hex then spies the djinn from before bearing down on him:
  Djinn: I did not wish to flee the manticore, Hex — not before a satisfactory conclusion to our fight — but thankfully B'wana Beast and Congorilla were available to keep the manticore busy… …while something far more important awaits me here.
  Linkara: [as the djinn] I know you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, Jonah Hex, but I felt it necessary to exposit a bit to you.
  - After the djinn takes the rock, Hex is transported back to 1876 Flagstaff:
    Hex: Back where ah started… So ah might as well collect the bounty on these skunks ah plugged… an' hope ah've seen the last of thet weird other place.
    Linkara: Given the track record so far, Val Kilmer's going to come out of the shadows now and tell Jonah "I'm your huckleberry."
After a series of events involving B'wana Beast fusing the manticore and Congorilla and swapping minds with Congo Bill, the manticore decides to flee:
Manticore: Bah! I know not what manner of sorcery has been at work here — but I have no further business with you!
Linkara: [as the manticore] Look, I've been asleep for, like, hundreds of years, and this is not what I was expecting to do when I first woke up! Can we call it a draw or something?
The dead person's symbol Superman saw in the crater is revealed to be the letter "D":
Linkara: This is a weird Sesame Street alphabet skit.
Superman: Indeed, it belongs to the one who calls himself Deadman.
Linkara: Oh! Of course! How can I not see it? It clearly resembles Deadman's "D" logo, what with it… being the letter "D". What?!
Superman: Perhaps this ties in with that "demon" coming out of dead James Hoyt's body… or does it?
Linkara: Maybe it has to do with dinosaurs, which also starts with the letter "D"! No, wait; clearly, it's a sign for dongs, which also begins with that letter! No, no, no, wait, wait, wait… The greatest villain of all: Didgeridoo!
In the Midway City Museum, Batman meets with Carter and Shiera Hall, the civilian identities of Hawkman and Hawkgirl:
Carter Hall: Batman! What can we do for you?
Batman: The experts in Gotham could tell me only that this tablet is a simple Old English account of the knights' quest for the Holy Grail — but it must be much more than that…
Linkara: [as Batman] It has Spamalot lyrics on it before even Monty Python and the Holy Grail came out!
Caption: And after explaining why it "must be more"…
Linkara: [as Batman] So you see, Carter, this tablet was stolen by One-Face! Who knows what sort of diabolical schemes he had planned?!
- Carter and Shiera discover a segment of the tablet was removed and replaced with a putty-like substance quite recently:
  Shiera Hall: Yes, Carter, and the plug area contains a key portion of the tablet's narrative…
  Linkara: [as Shiera] There's no climax for act two! Nothing makes sense in this version without it!
  - Carter begins to wonder if the tablet was deliberately altered when suddenly...
    Shiera: Listen, Carter — the radio!
    Linkara: [as Carter] For the last time, Shiera, I'm just not into Ed Sheeran.
While a hypnotist tries to get information out of Perkins by getting him to recall the events of him stumbling upon the aliens, Superman investigates the roof of the Galaxy Communications building, discovering lingering heat radiation revealing a "false top floor", as well as some on the antenna:
Superman: But what could that mean?
Linkara: It means it's "too hot for TV", indicating that Jerry Springer is involved!
Hawkman and Hawkgirl take on the manticore, with Hawkman throwing the Viking spear he was carrying into the manticore's gem on its forehead; after waking up from being knocked out, Hawkman notices the Viking Prince trapped within the crystal's remains:
Hawkman: Great Thanagar! Look! There's a tiny man trapped inside this shard!
Linkara: [as Hawkman] Shiera, I finally have my own pet!
Linkara reaches one of Aquaman's more notorious moments, when he grabs a vulture circling him… and bites into it, sucking out its blood and regaining his strength (since blood is 97% water):
Linkara: So basically, what this comic is teaching us is that Atlanteans are really just vampires.
- Afterwards, Aquaman comes across an actual oasis and dives in:
  Caption: …Cool, rejuvenating water fed by underground springs and rich in plankton, if not other aquatic life…
  Linkara: [as the captions] So at least he'll have a snack when he moves on.
  - Aquaman explains to the rest of the Justice League that he was investigating an excavation site involving the aliens from before, discovering a large device while grabbing a disguise:
    Aquaman: …and I also saw that the diggers were not really Arabs.
    Linkara: [as Aquaman] Which makes it kind of weird that they were talking about Allah; is Islam a big religion in space, and we just didn't notice?
Later, Batman completes his examination of the numbers sequence:
Batman: Good Lord! The solution to this sequence of numbers — it could mean the end of the world!
Linkara: It's going to turn out he forgot to carry the 1 and it's just going to be someone doing an overly elaborate "420 69" joke.
After being transported to the planet Rann, Hawkman meets with Adam Strange and his father Sardath, who tells him that demonic creatures are extracting power from the planet's "historical icons":
Linkara: [as Sardath] Eh, "icons", my ass; Flobar Poltipen stole that Oscar win from Yorel Plobus.
- The Viking Prince is freed from the gem, but Hawkman is knocked out by rubble caused by the demons attacking, and the zeta-beams surrounding Adam begin to fade and transport him to Earth:
  Caption: Cliff-Hanger #1: And with Hawkman sprawled unconscious, Alanna, Sardath, and the Viking Prince are left to face the looming monster — alone and weaponless.
  Linkara: Fortunately, the monster just wanted money for bus fare.
On Earth, Aquaman finishes telling his story to the Justice League… who turn out to be the aliens in disguise, and they all aim their guns at him:
Caption: Cliff-Hanger #2: Aquaman is in the soup.
Abridged Suzaku: I'm at soup!
The issue ends in Peru, with Batman and Hawkgirl hanging from the side of a cliff as another creature attacks, while Adam has to choose between saving them or using the zeta-beam to go back to Rann:
Caption: Next issue: Watch Paul Levitz and Gil Kane squirm (and somebody had better decipher those blamed numbers soon) as they present — Atomic Nights!
Linkara: You're going to nuke people because they haven't deciphered the numbers?! Harsh.
The post-credits stinger:
Aquaman: Superman — All of you! But how did you find me here?
"Superman": We homed in on your JLA signal-device.
Linkara: [as Aquaman] Look, before I explain what's going on, did any of you bring a vulture? I am parched!

666: Marvel Super Special #1: KISS

Linkara starts the episode off with discussing the number 666 as "the number of the beast", with some interpretations claiming it to actually be 616:
Linkara: Which, as I've joked before, would mean that the Marvel Universe itself is associated most with Hell, given its numerical designation. [beat] A bit accurate, honestly.
The cover lists out the features in this issue:
Tagline: Forty pages of full-color comics. Plus never-before-published photos and features. Printed in real KISS blood.
Linkara: Wow, they published the photos in KISS blood, too? I hope none of them were anemic; they must've given a lot for all this.
- Linkara also points out The Spaceman in an akward pose:
  Linkara: [as The Spaceman, holding his hands out and drooping them] Aw man, guys; I rode my bike out here and I put my hands in something sticky!
The story begins with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley walking down the street in Manhattan, with Simmons complaining that his father ordered him to throw out his comic book collection:
Linkara: What?! That's ridiculous! You need to keep your comic collection long enough so that eventually, you start your own weekly Internet show, where you complain about the thing you supposedly love, and realize that it will never get better as the Big Two continually reboot or do horrible things to characters you love, and wow, I made myself sad...
Gene Simmons: —and then launched into his "become a C.P.A. and see the world" routine!
Linkara: C.P.A.s, well-known for their globetrotting.
Simmons: The hell of it is, Paul — I keep thinkin', maybe he's right...! Maybe life is just shopping lists and car payments and checkbooks, and Con Ed bills—!
Linkara: And, crippling debt; don't forget that.
- Simmons continues:
  Simmons: And being "too old for comic books", man — too old and tired and plugged into reality to let yourself dream!
  Linkara: Yes, I too dream of the day when I can bite into a vulture's neck like Aquaman.
Despite some encouragement from Stanley, Simmons decides he's too old for comics and throws away his Conan the Barbarian issue:
Simmons: Bring on the real world! I admit it! You really don't meet barbarians on the streets of New York in 1977!
Linkara: [as Simmons] Now, in 1958, the streets were swarming with Cimmerians!
- Turning the corner, however, they see a guy in a fur loincloth fighting some roughnecks:
  Linkara: Okay, to be fair, I'm pretty sure that's just Gary Gygax and not a barbarian.
  - Simmons discovers the man is blind as he tosses a red box their way:
    Man: Heads up, flaming youth! Hither cometh thy destiny!!
    Linkara: [as the man] You are foretold to take this special edition GameCube and play SoulCalibur!
    Man: For within yon box reside thine own selves — thy love and thy rage, thy grace and thy power—!
    Linkara: Unfortunately, he left that box back at his house, and this one just contains his mixtapes.
    Man: The truth and the mystery of mind and body, intellect and emotion, time and space—!
    Linkara: [as the man] Also, a Denny's coupon; do not forsake Baconalia!
Meanwhile, Peter Criss and Ace Frehley are hanging out at an arcade, with Frehley hogging a pinball machine:
Peter Criss: C'mon, Ace, you been playin' that same ball for half-an-hour now! 980,000 [recte: 480,000] points is enough!
Linkara: In another universe, KISS made Tommy instead of The Who.
- Criss begs Frehley to let the ball drop so he can have a turn, but Frehley's thoughts are elsewhere:
  Ace Frehley: If only it were up to me...! I would say "drop"! — and the little ball would drop — but pinball isn't the stock market, Curly—! An unfounded rumor, an injudicious word will cause a stock to drop.... but the cosmos, of which pinball is a microcosm of — the music of the spheres — plays on...! Am I making myself clear, Curly...?
  Linkara: Not really; in this analogy, is the pinball a quasar, or the pinball is a planet falling into the quasar, and the paddles are, like, gravity? And what does the bonus score represent?
As the four protagonists meet up while escaping the gang, they open the box to find representations of their eventual KISS personas; Simmons, Criss, and Frehley get action figures, while Stanley is stuck with a star token:
Linkara: Or maybe the Pokémon Staryu is really a long-lost forgotten member of KISS.
Captions: Three odd woodcarvings and a black star: the symbolism is obscure at best.
Linkara: Clearly, this is some kind of fertility symbol.
- One transformation later, the group steps out in their new personas to take on the gang:
  Captions: And the four youths emerge — bizarrely TRANSFORMED!
  Linkara: You think this is weird; wait until you see their Combiner mode.
Simmons, as The Demon, breathes fire at the goons as Criss, The Catman, stares in awe:
The Catman: Far out! Gene sounds like a cross between a bulldozer and a dinosaur!
Linkara: Okay, okay, I've got our next Asylum B-movie to make: "Bulldosaur!" It's kind of like Killdozer!, but it's a half-bulldozer, half-dinosaur creature!
- Meanwhile, Stanley, as The Starchild, confronts a thug wielding a set of nunchakus:
  The Starchild: Well, all riiight! A Bruce Lee fan! But I got news for you, nunchaku! The Dragon is dead! You dig it — dead an' gone — an' you're paralyzed with grief!!
  Linkara: And we see a black light come out of the star makeup on his eye. So Starchild's power is depression vision?!
With the thugs dealt with, Frehley, as The Spaceman, teleports the group away to the south ferry near the Statue of Liberty, where they take stock of what just happened:
The Spaceman: And then there's the matter of the Moon.
Linkara: [as The Demon] For the last time, Ace, no one cares that they draw the Moon huge in comic books; it's just done for dramatic effect!
The Spaceman: Tonight is the new moon... but it looks overstuffed.
Linkara: Dude, stop fat-shaming the Moon; you're just being a dick.
- To their surprise, the Moon flies right towards them as a spaceship:
  Linkara: Well, crap; now I want a KISS cover of "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft".
  Captions: Frightening because it is not the Moon... ...just a good likeness, used to mask something stranger by far!
  Linkara: [as The Spaceman] Why is the inside of this thing covered with erotic photos of George Foreman grills?
After a group of Romani-inspired women exit the craft throwing flowers, the true owner of the ship is revealed — none other than Doctor Doom:
Doomkara: Doom is satisfied with this rehearsal of his introduction at the U.N.! Except for you, Stella; you were out of sync during that last curtsy. Doom will have to show you again how to twirl properly!
- Doom speaks to the group:
  Doctor Doom: I can answer all questions pertaining to your transformation, youths— —for it was accomplished with magical energies which, by right, belonged to me! Just as you, the vessels of said energy, must become the property of... Dr. Doom.
  Doomkara: Doom holds your record contract hostage, KISS! [beat] And yet, I am still less evil than the actual record industry; go figure.
The Demon believes they'll be taken to Latveria and subjugated:
The Demon: [thinking] No human being since Hitler has understood the psychology of power as Doom does. But much as I'd like to study at his feet — I don't think I'd get off on licking his boot.
Linkara: Bold choice to have a band member in your promotional comic for said band admit "I want to study at the foot of a dictator as bad as Hitler!"
- The maidens pull guns at the group and fire; The Demon counterattacks with his flame breath, revealing the women to be robots:
  The Spaceman: Cold, heartless, mechanical products of technology— —like some waitresses I know.
  Linkara: Wanting to study under dictators, insulting service workers... Our heroes, everybody!
  - In the meantime, Doom retreats to the ship:
    Doomkara: In retrospect, Doom did not really have a plan for this eventuality. Doom will just have to go after some other band like Aerosmith or something.
As a crowd gathers, The Spaceman teleports the group away, which he apparently doesn't have much control over:
The Spaceman: I'll bet this lands us in Jersey City — or even beyond!
Linkara: Anyway, we cut to "beyond". So... better than Jersey City, at least.
- Sure enough, the group find themselves floating in space:
  Captions: Beyond — far beyond. What we call "the world" seems suddenly to evaporate—
  Linkara: [as the captions] Leaving only the fresh scent of pine.
  - The narration explains they are floating through an interdimensional void:
    Captions: Just the unearthly cold — the sense of weightlessness — the terrible isolation from all that is familiar — and the falling — into forever — a space outside time!
    Linkara: [as the captions] Upside, though, DoorDash still delivers to it.
More Marvel characters get involved, as the Avengers call Doctor Strange for information on the group, and he asks them not to interfere since he does know what's happening thanks to Dizzy the Hun:
Dizzy the Hun: Are they still visible in your crystal, Dr. Strange?
Doctor Strange: The four youths? Yes, Dizzy, but their images are fading rapidly.
Linkara: [as Doctor Strange] Damn Comcast keeps claiming my previous Internet plan was discontinued and are trying to make me pay for more, so the connection's garbage.
Strange: Their journey through dimensional space is nearly at its end.
Tom Servo: You've got mail!
Why did Linkara choose to look at this comic for his 666th episode? It's all because of the story's second chapter, "Precisely as Hot as Hell!":
Linkara: So, does Hell use Fahrenheit or Celsius? [beat] Or do they play against type and go for Kelvin?
- The Demon and The Starchild rematerialize in what appears to be Heaven, and find themselves face-to-face with, seemingly, God Himself:
  "God": Why such puzzlement, young ones? Can it be— —you do not recognize this place?
  Linkara: Um, yeah, but I kinda wasn't expecting as many naked babies in Heaven as there are... Sure, cherubs and all, but... I kinda just assumed that was artistic license.
  "God": It's your everlasting reward — a party continuing unto eternity—
  Starfish: Rule number one: party all the time.
  "God": You shall know total satisfaction — spirtually, physically— —in all ways.
  Linkara: [as "God"] Ace is currently playing a pinball machine where the ball will never drop.
  - The Demon grows skeptical and decides to investigate, but "God" says he must accept his fate and sends cherubs to stop him while The Starchild enjoys himself:
    The Starchild: You can't be serious about splitting, man?! Really! These chicks act like they've just discovered boys!
    Linkara: Doesn't that mean they won't know what to do with your boners, then?
With his judicious use of flame breath, The Demon discovers the truth — he and The Starchild are actually in Hell, and the being they've been speaking with is none other than Mephisto:
Linkara: And that is why this is the 666th episode! KISS versus fricking MEPHISTO! What would be more appropriate for this show?! [beat] Side note: Ace can just teleport them into Hell?!
- As a result, the women The Starchild was with transform into hideous succubi:
  Succubus: No, no, Paulie — don't squirm! We still want you!
  Linkara: [as The Starchild] Eh, admittedly, I'm actually still kind of into this. Gene, no rush!
  - The Starchild rejects the succubi by admitting that he values total honesty in a relationship, and he blasts them to reveal their true sluglike forms:
    Linkara: [as The Starchild] My desire to have sex with you ladies has now diminished! [beat] Although, it's not completely gone yet, ladies; I just wanted the honesty.
Mephisto reveals that he wants The Demon and The Starchild to serve him willingly, and so tried to tempt them with false visions of Heaven; he could always abduct them again, so he suggests giving into his illusions:
The Demon: And if you do — you'll find me just as contentious! I relish my new power — I want to savor it — wield it at my whim! Better by far to dominate on Earth than to serve in Hell!
Mephisto: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! Your audacity astounds even my jaded sensibilities, Demon!
Linkara: I would just like to note at this point that the bass player of KISS, a guy called "The Demon", knew better than Spider-Man to make deals with Mephisto!
Mephisto teleports The Demon and The Starchild away, leading to the third chapter, "The Andromedia Hustle!":
Linkara: Still a better dance than the Dougie.
- We learn that The Catman and The Spaceman have teleported to a space station full of dancing animal-human hybrids:
  Captions: The scene is colorful. The beat, hypnotic. And beneath the loud, gaudy veneer... ...there's nothing. All form, no substance. In short, a disco.
  Linkara: Yeah, why can't disco have more dignity, like KISS, the guys in gaudy, spangly, glittery outfits, one of whom is named "Catman"?
  The Catman: Ace — I think I'm gonna be sick! That's space out there — the ol' final frontier!
  Linkara: Oh, great, a disco in space; AAU Shuperstar is going to show up any second now to kick their asses.
  - After The Catman gets involved with a crime lord named Big Leo by making advances on his girl, he and The Spaceman say their farewells and teleport back to Earth:
    The Spaceman: I see Gene... and Paul... and Vanilla.
    Linkara: Vanilla Ice, the fifth KISS member!
In the fourth chapter, the group finally meets up in Latveria, where they also reunite with Dizzy the Hun:
Dizzy: So hear me well, flaming youths — for time is short. All you've experienced since departing Earth — the wonders, the temptations, the agonies— —all of it — has been part of a process of learning and growth.
Linkara: Man, I want the training process where you get to make out with catgirls and punch the Devil!
- On their way to Doom's castle, the group comes across some cloaked Doombots ready to ambush them:
  The Catman: Jeez — they look like death warmed over — and cloned!
  The Spaceman: Like some waitresses I know — if you catch my meaning.
  Linkara: No, I don't! What is with your obsessive hatred of waitresses, Ace?!
The group uses their powers to destroy the Doombots, but are caught off-guard when part of the mountain rises up to form a pair of lips:
Doomkara: Doom has decided that no woman can handle him, and as such, Doom has made a blow-up doll out of an entire mountain!
- The Spaceman decides now is a good time for double-entendres as the lips suck the group in:
  The Spaceman: Now, boys, one doesn't resist a lover! The harder you struggle against her — the more fatal her attraction grows.
  Sterling Archer: Phrasing.
  Lana Kane: Obviously!
Doom teleports the group and himself into another void, where the quartet decide to attack him:
Doom: Do not waste the effort, Demon. The entire length of Dr. Doom's armor is electrified!
Doomkara: And Doom has to say... Rather enjoying it, really; should've installed the vibration mode of this thing years ago.
- Doom easily knocks them aside, ashamed that the power granted to them is wasted:
  Linkara: Yeah, the power is so gargantuan... what with you being able to just wipe the floor with them.
  - After the four of them manage to remind Doom of his past, Dizzy enters via a magic doorway to proclaim that the group is like him, full of potential, and they need to be allowed to use it, not to mention that he secretly admires them:
    Doom: Do not preach to me, aged one! "Victor" — the child you knew — perished long ago! Dr. Doom knows what he feels — and what he wants!
    Doomkara: Doom wants mastery over all stick shifts!
The story ends with the group teleporting back to New York and reverting to their civilian forms, as Dizzy tells them they can use their powers at night as long as they maintain their secret identities during the day; the four decide to name the group after the box used to store their talismans, hereafter labeling themselves as "KISS":
Linkara: And somehow, their powers in the 80's make them lose the makeup.
The post-credits stinger:
Criss: It has a ring to it: This is a job for— KISS!
Dizzy: So be it.
Linkara: [as Dizzy] I name thee... Metallica!

667: The Ring, Vol. 1

Linkara begins by exmaining the cover, acting especially confused over the period they added to the end of the title, making it read as "the Ring.":
Linkara: No doubt to distinguish it from the knockoff, "the Ring Semicolon".
The book begins on September 5 at 10:49 PM as Masami asks her friend Tomoko a question:
Masami: Hey, Tomoko... Do you know about the cursed video?
Linkara: I mean, I think everybody does. [snaps, cut to this.]
- In all seriousness, though, she means the rumors surrounding a particular videotape:
  Masami: When you see the video... If it says, "You'll die in one week"... then you're supposed to... ...really die.
  Linkara: [as Masami] If it says that, mind you; I've heard it also sometimes just tries to sell you an extended warranty?
Tomoko reveals that she just might have found said videotape after visiting a cabin with her friends:
Tomoko: Hey, what's this video?
Linkara: "You're Invited to Duelist Kingdom"?
- After Tomoko tells Masami it has been seven days since she saw that video, they are interrupted by Tomoko's mom calling her; while Masami uses the bathroom, Tomoko witnesses the TV turning on by itself:
  Tomoko: Oh! The TV. Hey... I didn't turn it on.
  Linkara: [as Tomoko] I certainly didn't have it on Fox News! Geez!
A few days later, reporter Reiko Asakawa investigates the cursed videotape, remarking that rumors like that usually start with "the memory of some horrifying death":
Linkara: Man, where are the urban legends based around the Marvel Transformers deaths?
- Reiko then goes home to prepare for the funeral of her niece, Tomoko; she thinks about her son, Yoichi, who has become something of a latchkey kid, making his own food and preparing clothes for Reiko to wear to the funeral:
  Reiko: [thinking] Yoichi's eyes look so sad all the time...
  Linkara: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that's more on the artist than anything, Reiko; I've seen Shōjo anime with smaller eyes than in this book!
  - Yoichi asks Reiko why Tomoko died:
    Reiko: I don't know. The doctor has to tell us. Some bad illness, I think.
    Linkara: [as Reiko] Something called "Youngblood's disease"? I had never heard of it.
At the funeral, Reiko discusses Tomoko's death with her aunt; according to the examiners, she pulled her hair out in a frenzy due to traces of hair found under her fingernails, and apparently had an expression frozen with fear, which Linkara remarks is an improvement compared to the original film:
Linkara: How did the movie handle its death scenes? Well, basically, they— Oh, my God! [picks up one of his cats] This is my cat right here! ["dies" with his mouth open as the color inverts]
- Reiko interrogates some of Tomoko's classmates about the couple who died in the car accident, and they reveal that not only did those who died watch the cursed videotape the week prior, but Masami was the one who found Tomoko's body, and is now committed to a hospital after being driven insane:
  Classmate: We're not going anywhere near a TV anymore.
  Linkara: Good for you, kid! Time to teach you about the wonders of Internet content creators! [points to himself]
Reiko goes over some photos that have recently been developed, confirming that the victims were indeed in Izu the week before they died; the last photo, however, has their faces unnaturally blurred:
Linkara: Eh, turns out to be just an unrelated ghost revolving around their disposable camera.
Reiko travels to the cabin used by Tomoko and her friends, renting it to use, but can't find any videotapes in the cabin itself:
Reiko: I wonder what those kids did here. How could they all die after a fun trip?
Linkara: [as Reiko] People only die when your vacation sucks!
While asking the manager about the four kids in the cabin, she notices a shelf of videotapes in the corner, one of them being suspiciously unlabeled:
Reiko: That video. What's that video?
Linkara: [as the manager] Huh? Oh. That's, um... Song of the South. Y-You don't want to watch that; there's a reason Disney ain't releasing it anytime soon.
Manager: This? Oh... A visitor left it here.
Reiko: Can I borrow it?! I would like to see it!
Manager: Sure... ...of course.
Linkara: [as the manager] Gonna need to see some ID, though; you would not believe what we had to clean up after they were done filming it.
At the cabin, Reiko intently examines the tape:
Reiko: Is this... ...the cursed video?
Linkara: [as Reiko] OH, GOD! WHAT ARE THOSE TWO GIRLS DOING WITH THAT CUP?!
Reiko: It can't be. People can't die by just watching a video!
Linkara: Spoken like someone who's never had to watch Freddy Got Fingered.
- Reiko watches the video as several seemingly unrelated images are shown followed by the telltale instructions:
  Instructions: The person who sees this... ...will die one week later at this time of the day.
  Linkara: [as the instructions] Note: This will be adjusted for Daylight Savings Time.
  Instructions: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE...
  Linkara: ...And the tape ends. Gonna turn out this is actually like a Nigerian email scam, and the way not to die is to send twenty bucks to an address that got cut off.
  - After the tape is finished, Reiko is left more confused than ever:
    Reiko: ...Is that it?
    Linkara: Ugh, one star. Not worth the rental. [sighs] Wonder if I can exchange it for Friday the 13th or something...
On Tuesday, September 14, Reiko meets with her ex-husband, a college professor named Ryuji Takayama, to discuss the cursed videotape, with Ryuji wanting to see it for himself:
Ryuji: You're exaggerating. How about getting an exorcism done?
Linkara: Hey, good idea! You know, I think one of the films actually did try that! How'd that go? [as seen in a clip from Sadako vs. Kayako, it goes... poorly] Okay, gonna put that in the "Maybe" pile...
- To present proof, Reiko has Ryuji take some polaroids of her, only for the faces on them to turn out blurry like for Tomoko and her friends:
  Ryuji: Listen. I'm the type of guy... who wants to see everything there is in the world. I wouldn't flip out just by watching a video.
  Linkara: He changed his opinion on that when he finally watched Cats.
  - After careful consideration, Reiko decides to give Ryuji the tape:
    Reiko: [thinking] I'm dealing with an unknown demon. Ryuji will probably... ...remain calm after he watches this video. He's that kind of man.
    Linkara: [as Ryuji] OH, JESUS! WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT THE HELL?! OH, MY GOD! I'M GONNA DIE! WHAT IS WITH THAT PERSON'S EYES?! WHAT—W-WHY WOULD YOU SHOW THIS TO ME?!
As it turns out, Ryuji is jumping at the chance to uncover the tape's secrets, asking Reiko to make a copy for him:
Ryuji: This game's thrilling because... ...we're betting our lives on it.
Linkara: That sounds like a really crappy game with no continues or checkpoints, dude, but what do I know?!
- Reiko believes the tape may have been the result of a pirate broadcast someone recorded at the cabin:
  Linkara: Man, just imagine if you ended up dying because of the fricking Max Headroom signal hijacking.
  - Ryuji pores over the images in the video, and comes to a conclusion:
    Ryuji: Whoever made this isn't normal. Without a tremendous amount of evil energy... ...this kind of complex prank can't be done.
    Linkara: Ryuji, you teach college kids; don't tell me you've never met a bunch of bored students with way too much free time on their hands and a video camera on their desk!
On Thursday, September 16, Reiko contacts Ryuji for an update:
Reiko: Oh... were you asleep? Huh? It's already noon!
Ryuji: [over the phone] Yeah... I drank too much yesterday.
Linkara: [as Ryuji] Students said it was my best lecture I'd ever given, though, so clearly, I was doing something right.
- That night, Reiko has a nightmare involving Tomoko's ghost and walks into the living room... to find Yoichi watching the cursed videotape:
  Linkara: [hesitantly] Well, Reiko, at... least you can take comfort knowing he wasn't watching an R-rated movie, am I right...?
  - Reiko, horrified, demands Yoichi tell her why he watched the video:
    Yoichi: Tomoko... ...told me to watch.
    Linkara: [as Reiko] Well, that settles that, then! You are not hanging out with that dead girl anymore, young man! She's a bad influence on you!
On Friday, September 17, Ryuji takes Reiko to the memorial house of Tetsuzo Miura, who tried to research and catalogue as much supernatural phenomena as he could before his death; after a tour with the caretaker, Miura's son, and thanks to a referral from one of his fellow professors, Ryuji gains access to said research:
Ryuji: I've heard that... ...Dr. Miura kept the list of every superhuman in Japan... ...and left it here.
Linkara: Who knew The Ring was a prequel to One-Punch Man?
On Saturday, September 18, Reiko leaves Yoichi with her father and hangs out with them one last time; as Yoichi and her father play in a nearby river, she begins to have an awful feeling:
Reiko: [thinking] Too much water play... ...and the monster will come.
Linkara: Oh, my God! Her father is the Ring girl!
- After a trip to the island of Izu Ōshima to meet with a local correspondent for Reiko's news agency, Reiko and Ryuji learn that one of the inhabitants, a girl named Sadako Yamamura, and her mother, Shizuko, had psychic powers; Shizuko successfully predicted the volcano Mt. Mihara's eruptions for five years straight, and her lover and father of Sadako, Dr. Heihachiro Ikuma, attempted to hold a demonstration of her abilities, but after being called a fraud by several journalists, Shizuko threw herself into Mt. Mihara, ending her life:
  Ryuji: The story is 40 years old, but... ...the way journalists affect people hasn't changed.
  Linkara: [as Ryuji] Looking at you, Reiko; how many psychics have you driven to suicide this month?
  - That evening, Ryuji seems to spot the ghost of Tomoko like Reiko had, but it vanishes as quickly as it appeared:
    Linkara: [as Tomoko's ghost] Oooh... I am the ghost of not being an asshole... Ooooooh...
On Sunday, September 19, Ryuji talks with Mr. Yamamura about Shizuko's demonstation, where a person would write a word on a piece of paper, put the paper in a box, and Shizuko would have to write what was on the paper without looking inside the box:
Linkara: [as Shizuko] I see the word... "boner".
- Unwilling to believe what was happening in front of him, a journalist attempted to expose Shizuko as a fraud, but died after being choked to death, causing the other reporters to turn on her; Shizuko then discovered that Sadako was the one who killed him:
  Mr. Yamamura: Sadako's scary! She had a power that went beyond her mother's. An extraordinary power!
  Linkara: [as Mr. Yamamura] The power of bleach!
  - After Reiko panics about not being able to leave the island due to the approaching typhoon forcing the ports to close, Mr. Yamamura offers his services:
    Mr. Yamamura: You're cursed by Sadako, aren't you?
    Linkara: [as Mr. Yamamura] You know, they make a cream for that now.
On the final day, Monday, September 20, Reiko and Ryuji discover the well in the video at the cabin Tomoko and her friends stayed at; after opening the well up and seeing there's water inside, Ryuji prepares to go inside to recover Sadako's skeleton, making Reiko nervous:
Reiko: [thinking] Ryuji intends to go down this well. He'll dip himself in that black water... ...and will try to get the bones. OH, NO! It'll drive him mad!
Linkara: Okay, I'm starting to see why you two got divorced; by this point, you should know very well that NOTHING FAZES THIS MAN!
Linkara then goes on a rant about the videotape that kicks off the story, as there's basically no plausible explanation as to how it was even created in the first place, given the mechanics of Sadako's psychic powers and how the videotape itself is de-emphasized further and further in the sequels:
Linkara: Maybe she just had a coupon from Blockbuster one day that they said was expired, and this is how she chose her ultimate revenge after death.
Ryuji and Reiko begin lifting the water out from the well, but Reiko eventually becomes exhausted and begins to give up hope with only one hour left; Ryuji slaps some sense into her, saying they need to do it for their son and it should do the trick:
Ryuji: Look at the well. Remember what that old woman said?!
Reiko: [thinking] "Too much water play... ...and the monster will come." Water play... ...That's right! Sadako is still playing in the water... in this muddy water.
Linkara: Yeah... She sure was "playing" in the well, when she was scratching so hard at the walls that she LOST HER FRICKING FINGERNAILS!
- Reiko then climbs down the well and eventually finds Sadako's remains, seemingly lifting the curse and surviving past the seven-day time limit; some officers eventually arrive on the scene to help the two and carry Sadako's body away:
  Linkara: Would've loved to have heard the explanation for this. "You see, officer, my ex-wife believes that a videotape ghost was going to kill her, so we broke into private property, wrecked it, unsealed a well, and pulled out a skeleton, so it's all good now!"
  Reiko: Sadako wanted... ...to be found for a long time.
  Ryuji: Yeah.
  Enrico Marini: Yeah.
  Ryuji: I've had enough of this. I'll take you home.
  Linkara: [as Ryuji] Ugh, this game was boring; I'm going to take you home and play Sonic 2.
The next day, Reiko receives a phone call that Ryuji has died; she rushes over to his apartment and finds Mai Takano, one of Ryuji's students, there, as she was the one who discovered his body. After being confused about why Sadako would kill him after they found the skeleton, Reiko begins to leave, but is stopped by Mai:
Mai: Ms. Asakawa. I think you've got the wrong idea... about the professor and me.
Linkara: [as Mai] For the record, we were just screwing like horny rabbits; there was no serious relationship between us at all.
Back at her apartment, Reiko sees a vision of a man from the tape with a towel over his head and pointing, with the implication that this is Ryuji's ghost:
Linkara: [as Ryuji, with a towel over his head] You still haven't cleaned this stain. It's been, like, two years!
- Actually, he's pointing to Reiko's bag, which contains a copy of the cursed videotape:
  Reiko: What? What does this mean? Something I did... ...but you didn't do... That's the way... ...to remove the curse?
  Linkara: [as Reiko] [snaps] Of course! I have to bring Yoichi to the well to find another Sadako skeleton!
  - Reiko ejects the other tape from her VCR, and she realizes that by making the copy of the tape, she effectively passed the curse onto Ryuji:
    Reiko: I made the copy... ...and I showed it!
    Linkara: Media piracy saves lives!
The post-credits stinger prior to the latest storyline segment:
Linkara: Hell, we're kinda cheating with this one already, because one of the episodes of the month is going over to Late Night Double Feature instead; it's just I'm restricting them to talking about the same franchise so we've got, like, brand synergy and crap like that.
Clive Sinclair: Hey, I don't mind; just means I get to talk about some more movies and maybe get a cash return of my own.
Linkara: And yet, you rent my space to do it.
Clive: Gotta spend money to make money.
Moarte: If you really wanted to make some money, you should've filmed it over here for the rest of your show. My children love it!
Clive: They really didn't.
Moarte: [from offscreen] At least it's better than filming on that idiot's set!
Linkara: Go to Hell, Babadork!
Moarte: Been there, done that, sold glow-in-the-dark T-shirts!
Linkara: And how come you're okay with him using your set? You got all pissy when Linksano did.
Moarte: Because he was using my longbox and my show name! It's different! Besides, this guy actually talks about horror all the time, unlike some people I could name.
Clive: Why, thank you, strange makeup-ed person.
Moarte: [cackles] It's not makeup.
Clive: [grins and stares awkwardly into the camera]
While mostly serious in regards to the contest update, and extremely ominous with the interaction between Linkara and Billy Tor, it is somewhat amusing to realize that Billy Tor managed to win a staring contest against a sentient pile of rocks...despite neither of them having visible eyes.

668: The Ring, Vol. 2

The title card features Sadako, having just crawled out of the well... but with Thing Tucker's face. And the comments unanimously agree that she's adorable.
Linkara points out something... interesting about the blurb on the manga's back cover:
Blurb: Ring 2 takes on the kind of sci-fi action and horror reminiscent of Steven Spielberg's Poltergeist, and gives it a fascinating scientific bend.
Linkara: Yeah, it's just like Poltergeist... in that both movies have psychic people and ghosts in them. Oh, my God, guys; Ringu 2 is just like The Haunting, or Amityville Horror, or Fateful Findings!
While discussing the recap, Linkara notes that in the improved version of the "Shizuko in the mirror" sequence, Sadako is drawn as an adult instead of a child:
Linkara: Man, VHS is such an old medium that even Child Sadako in the tape has grown up at this point.
- And when he gets to Yoichi...
  Linkara: And then there's Yoichi—OH, DEAR GOD, HOW DID THIS ONE GIVE HIM AN EVEN BIGGER HEAD?! Yoichi doesn't need to worry about Sadako getting him; he's just going to start floating around out of reach like a balloon!
Linkara reveals that the manga brought back a detail that was cut in the last volume, namely that Ryuji has psychic abilities as well:
Linkara: I mean, they're not especially useful psychic powers; it's more like he can just sense ghosts, and there's some minor precognition and telepathy. It's not like we're going to have some psychic showdown between Ryuji's ghost and Sadako. [beat] Though, admittedly, I've just come up with an even better movie where Sadako fights Mewtwo.
Thanks to the new art style, Sadako's skeleton now looks like, in Linkara's words, a "wet Muppet":
Linkara: [singing] It's time to die from ghost girls on The Muppet Show tonight!
The actual story begins with Mr. Yamamura being brought in to identify Sadako's remains:
Linkara: [as Mr. Yamamura] Yep, I'd know that skeleton anywhere.
- After Mr. Yamamura laments that he is the only one involved in Sadako's death that's still alive, he notices some hair falling from under the cloth, and apparently so does the detective in charge of the case, Keiji Ohmuta:
  Linkara: [as Ohmuta] Eh, you see it all the time; corpses just cough up hairballs sometimes.
Meanwhile, Okazaki, Reiko's former assistant at the paper, examines footage of the schoolgirls talking about the cursed videotape with a coworker:
Coworker: Isn't this topic kinda dangerous?
Okazaki: Why?
Coworker: I can't quite explain.
Linkara: Dude's got a side hustle selling bootleg cursed videotapes and is worried this will impact his business.
- Mai walks in asking to meet with Reiko, and notices the tape continuing to play:
  Reiko: You know about "cursed video," don't you?
  Linkara: Yes, I know about "cursed video"; do you know about using definite articles in sentences?
  Reiko: Do you know what it's like?
  Linkara: Yes, I've seen Meet the Spartans.
  Reiko: I've heard that... ...it says "You'll die in a week."
  Linkara: [as Reiko] But you can cheat it by changing time zones.
Mai and Okazaki team up to investigate Ryuji's death and go to Reiko's apartment, where the landlord seems quite okay with letting two strangers in:
Landlord: The police also came by. Said she's been missing...
Linkara: [as the landlord] If you find anything cool in there, save it for me; I've got some first-floor tenants I'm gonna loot before they get home.
- Inside, they find the TV smashed, the VCR missing, and the burnt-up remains of a videotape inside the bathtub:
  Linkara: And this is why you don't give videotapes a bubble bath. I don't think this is the right way to clean VCR heads.
At Reiko's father's house, Detective Ohmuta leads the investigation and is called over to examine a body:
M.E.: Ohmuta, will you take a look? It's not a normal death.
Linkara: And indeed, his expression kind of says it all.
Linkara: [as Ohmuta] My God... How many Pez dispensers can fit in one nostril?!
- Inside the house, they find evidence of a tape being copied, as well as a message left behind by Reiko's father:
  Message: Reiko, I got rid of the tapes. Don't worry about it anymore.
  Linkara: That message is usually only left for politicians.
That evening, Mai stares out at the city from her balcony, depressed over what happened to Ryuji:
Linkara: Yeah, Mai, I got like this when I discovered Spike Lee was the Kingpin, too.
- She flashes back to when she discovered Ryuji's body, where her psychic powers kicked into overdrive after touching his body, causing her to retreat into the hallway:
  Linkara: See? I told you she had just experienced Marville.
Detective Ohmuta later stops by Mai's apartment to discuss Ryuji:
Ohmuta: So, Takayama was a math teacher, right? And, you are...?
Mai: His assistant. Nothing more.
Linkara: [as Mai] And he left me to grade all the kids' papers on my own. Typical Ryuji, finding some way to get out of doing work.
- After mentioning how Reiko's father died the same way as Ryuji, she asks him to leave, but he stubbornly continues:
  Ohmuta: Ryuji Takayama and Reiko Asakawa found the dead body at the bottom of a well. We still don't know who she is... But she died only a couple of years ago. Can you believe it? She was alive for over thirty years inside a sealed well.
  Linkara: [as Ohmuta] We're looking into it, but it turns out she's been cursing random objects above her during all that time; so far, we've got a haunted houseplant, a dishwasher that kills people, and a cursed carpet fragment.
  Ohmuta: There were no fingernails left on the dead body. She probably tried to climb out thousands of times.
  Mai: Leave... Please!
  Linkara: [as Ohmuta] Wait, don't you want to hear about all the slime and gore that was still present on the bones? I'm a good detective.
  - Before he leaves, Ohmuta asks one final question:
    Ohmuta: What about the video?
    Linkara: [as Ohmuta] Batman has been hounding us for days about an evil VHS tape, and I'm starting to think he's right this time. [beat] Mind you, it's the tenth time this year he said it.
Okazaki interviews a high school student named Kanae Sawaguchi about the cursed videotape and learns how the curse can be passed on by showing copies of the tape to other people:
Okazaki: Where did that video come from?
Kanae: Somehow, it just shows up in a room.
Linkara: [as Kanae] Sometimes, it comes in a special edition clamshell packaging, too; no one wants to break the shrink wrap on it.
Okazaki: How do you know it's the one?
Kanae: A single glance and you'd know — That's what they say.
Linkara: [as Kanae] Plus, I hate to say it, but Sadako's handwriting is kind of distinctive in how crappy it is whenever she puts the labels on them.
Okazaki and Mai reunite and investigate a new lead at the hospital, where one of Tomoko's friends, Masami Kurahashi, was committed after being driven insane by Tomoko's death, even though she hasn't spoken a word since that fateful day; the nurse brings them to her doctor:
Nurse: We cannot give out the patient's private information.
Linkara: [as the nurse] I mean, who do you think we are? Landlords?
Nurse: Please limit your inquiries to something relevant to your investigation.
Linkara: Well... she is rather relevant to it, so... [shrugs]
Back at her apartment, Mai says Okazaki should stop his investigation, but neglects to tell him why:
Linkara: I mean, obviously, "Because weird psychic cursed tape stuff is happening, and you might make it worse" may not be the most believable answer, but at least it's an answer.
The next day, Mai flashes back to when she first started getting close to Ryuji, including having a conversation with him after he uses his abilities to read her thoughts:
Ryuji: You shouldn't tell this to anyone.
Linkara: [as Ryuji] It's better as a secret in the first volume.
Ryuji: This power is of no use. It only hurts those... who possess such power.
Linkara: Geez, even the story itself recognizes that it focuses way too much time on psychic people in it.
- After some sleuthing and with the help of her psychic powers, Mai manages to find Yoichi, who she discovers is mute just like Masami; suddenly, Reiko makes her reappearance:
  Linkara: All righty! We're finally going to get an explanation why she's gone into hiding with her son! [beat] We never get an explanation why she went into hiding with her son!
After a witnessing a failed experiment involving draining Masami of residual psychic energy, Okazaki returns to the news office, notably forlorn from the ordeal:
Coworker: Hey, Okazaki. She called many times. It's been a week, she said. She's that high school student, right?
Linkara: [as Okazaki] Yeah, she's one of my customers from my blank videotape delivery service; business is booming, but exhausting.
After Mai recovers, she speaks with Masami's doctor, Ishi Kawajiri, and Detective Ohmuta, where Kawajiri tells her about Shizuko's demonstration and how he's following Professor Ikuma's research:
Dr. Kawajiri: Ikuma stated "Thoughts are alive." Human thoughts are some type of energy that can materialize into substance.
Linkara: [using his "psychic powers"] Okay, I'm going to materialize boatloads of money... and software that will edit my videos for me so the episodes can come out on time. [beat] Hmph, not working. Maybe Ikuma was an idiot.
- Dr. Kawajiri confirms that the tape contains thirty years' worth of Sadako's thoughts, filled with anguish and vengeance from being trapped in the well:
  Mai: Then we're all...
  Linkara: ...You're all what? Tiny-nosed? Because that's mostly just you, Mai.
  Ohmuta: They all died just because they watched the video? Asakawa's father too? But why her father? Her son... ...must've seen it?!
  Marge Simpson: Please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
Reiko and Yoichi get brought into the station for questioning, but both escape after Yoichi psychically attacks the cops; after Reiko receives a vision featuring the corpse of her father berating her for not protecting Yoichi, she spots a truck heading straight for her and throws Yoichi to safety before getting run over and killed on the spot:
Mai: [thinking] At the moment of death, Reiko's face showed... not fear but as if seeing something nostalgic... What did she see?
Linkara: [as Reiko] Oh man, I remember that other time I got run over by a truck... Good times.
After being given a reconstruction of Sadako's body, Mr. Yamamura drives his boat back to Izu Ōshima and screams to the heavens wondering why Sadako hasn't killed him yet:
Mr. Yamamura: Do you want me to return you to the ocean? Is that it?
Linkara: And thus he dumps the remains overboard. Sadako is actually pretty happy about that... at least until the seagulls start pecking at her remains.
Mai and Yoichi travel to the Yamamura Inn, where they hope to dispel Sadako's spirit once and for all; she also begs him not to use his powers again, as they provide a way for Sadako to influence him:
Mai: [thinking] Darkness is enveloping his heart... I've got to do something... about Sadako's deep-seated grudge... before the darkness swallows him completely.
Linkara: Well, have you considered giving Sadako a haircut and makeover? I mean, she probably feels a little self-conscious about her looks after thirty years in a dirty well. Hair's grown out and ratty and split after all that time; couldn't hurt.
Mai looks out at the ocean and asks Ryuji for answers, hearing the "water play, monster will come" mantra from the first volume; somehow, she teleports over to Mr. Yamamura, and is naturally quite confused:
Mai: How... How did I get in here...?!
Linkara: [as Mai] Oh, geez; booze and psychic powers are not a good combination! [shrugs] No hangover, at least.
- Mr. Yamamura explains why he dumped Sadako's body in the ocean, inspired by when Shizuko did the same right after Sadako was born:
  Mr. Yamamura: She came back flat bellied and told me she returned the baby to the ocean. ...But the next day, she came home with her baby in her arms.
  Linkara: Yeah, the ocean has a "take a baby, leave a baby" tray.
  - He then takes her to the cave where Sadako was born, the "Riverbed of Dice":
    Mr. Yamamura: Anything we don't want... ...gets washed down to the ocean from here.
    Linkara: [as Mr. Yamamura] Basically, it's our trash dump.
    Linkara: This is actually better than in the film, where they specifically say it's for getting rid of unwanted babies. I think this island's adoption program needs some fine-tuning!
Dr. Kawajiri then arrives at the inn and offers to retry his exorcism experiment again on Yoichi; Mai is worried, however, that his body isn't strong enough to handle being drained of psychic energy:
Dr. Kawajiri: But his body is the best psychic medium.
Linkara: Why is his body the best psychic medium? Because the Kool-Aid Man is red, and this script clearly didn't get enough drafts before they started filming.
- As the experiment requires a massive amount of pure water to dispel the psychic energy, the equipment is set up near the inn's swimming pool; in the meantime, Mai wonders if it will actually work:
  Mai: [thinking] Sadako kindly prepared... the method for the counter curse... but did she really? Reiko supposedly succeeded in countering the curse, but ultimately... There may be no way to save ourselves from the curse...
  Linkara: Umm... yes it did. It did counter the curse. She lived past the seven-day deadline for quite a while, and probably would never have been involved again if not for Yoichi's psychic powers and whatnot. Or are you saying all the teenagers who are engaged in watching the tape and spreading it around are going to get hit by trucks, too?
The experiment begins, and Dr. Kawajiri asks Yoichi to manifest what he saw on the screen; he conjures up images of Reiko and Ryuji instead:
Dr. Kawajiri: That's right! Your parents are dead, and you're totally alone!
Linkara: [as Dr. Kawajiri] Now's your chance to become Batman, Yoichi!
- Soon, however, things spiral out of control, with Mr. Yamamura allowing himself to be drowned in the pool by several copies of Sadako, and Dr. Kawajiri being killed by an exploding computer:
  Linkara: Man, Windows 11 isn't kidding with those hardware requirements!
During the wrap-up, Linkara posits a way the franchise could have improved regarding its sequels — focusing on what would happen to a person if they found out they or someone they loved was going to die, and how far they would go to change their fate:
Linkara: Or, you know, we could just have the series be, "HEY, THIS PERSON HAS PSYCHIC POWERS! [beat] They're not going to do anything interesting with them, and sometimes a ghost shows up, but PSYCHIC POWEEERS!!"
- As he begins the wrap-up, Linkara of course holds up the physical copy of the manga that he's reading from and starts, "This manga is..." then he realizes he has it backwards, stops for a second to turn it around, and continues, "...a mixed bag."

669: Spider-Man: Web of Death

Linkara begins by looking at the cover to The Amazing Spider-Man #397, which features Stunner in yet another spine-mangling pose, as well as an interesting tagline:
Tagline: The last Spidey/Doc Ock saga of all time begins here!
Linkara: You know, just like how Friday the 13th Part IV was "The Final Chapter", or how Freddy's Dead was "The Final Nightmare". And yes, I am still justifying my effort to keep this in October; why do you ask?
As Linkara says, we open with "our old pal Kaine in the rain narrating his pain":
Kaine: [thinking] I am Kaine — and I know you, Spider-Man...
Linkara: Though apparently, he doesn't know that Spidey isn't telepathic.
Kaine: [thinking] ...better than you know yourself.
Linkara: [as Kaine] I know you keep Popular Mechanics magazines hidden inside of Playboys, Mr. Science Major.
Kaine: [thinking] The secrets of your past, the tragedies of your future; the depth of your loneliness, the intensity of your pain.
Linkara: God, even the characters in-universe are starting to acknowledge what a fricking disaster Peter Parker's entire existence is.
Kaine: [thinking] But you, my friend, can never know me. And that's exactly how I want it. From the day I first drew breath, I stood alone. Separate. Without love. Without family. Without hope.
Wayne: Oh, get off the cross; we need the wood.
Meanwhile, Spidey swings throughout the city searching for a cure for a virus he was infected with in a previous storyline when he suddenly sees an image of himself in a tank with tubes attached to him, causing him to black out and collapse on a rooftop:
Spider-Man: [thinking] What was that? Like a door... opening in my mind.
Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Unfortunately, it was a revolving door, and I just ended up back outside.
As Spidey falls unconscious, Doctor Octopus appears:
Doctor Octopus: [thinking] All these years. We've come together time and again... ...driven by demons neither one of us could fully understand or explain.
Homer Simpson: I call him Gamblor!
Doc Ock: [thinking] I could crush the life out of you with little effort. Batter your defenseless body until there's nothing left but bloody pulp.
Linkara: [as Doc Ock] But then I'd have to go down to the mall to get another one, and that's, like, a half-hour drive.
- Ock states that he won't kill Spidey right now because he needs to understand him, having kept a close eye on him since his escape from prison:
  Doc Ock: You've changed, Spider-Man — and I don't like it.
  Linkara: [as Doc Ock] You used to be cool, man!
  - Ock then wonders if he's enjoyed fighting Spider-Man due to him being a noble, selfless hero of the kind rarely seen nowadays, or if he's simply nostalgic due to Spidey's dim turn:
    Doc Ock: [thinking] And if what I've heard on the streets is true ...if the Vulture has succeeded where the rest of us have failed... ...if you're dying—!
    Linkara: It's been, like, a few hours since he got poisoned, as far as I can tell; the streets are apparently faster than Twitter for getting this info out there.
Elsewhere, Stunner enters a bar hoping to get some attention, but no one bites; she then decides to wreck the entire establishment:
Stunner: Just as I suspected— —losers one and all!
Linkara: [as a drunk] Well, I... was gonna pay my bar tab and hit on you, lady... But now I can't find my wallet, so... Sorry?
- As the bartender prepares to shoot Stunner with a shotgun, Doc Ock arrives and throws wads of money at him to cover the damages... which for some reason are drawn to resemble soda cans:
  Doc Ock: Now take this. It should cover the damages — to your establishment, at least.
  Linkara: [as the bartender] Oh, my God... Is that Sprite Remix?!
Doc Ock and Stunner retreat to their apartment, where they discuss his troubles concerning Spider-Man:
Doc Ock: A vibrant, intelligent opponent. So full of life and humor. And now, it seems, he's become a grim and humorless thug—
Linkara: [as Doc Ock] I mean, at this rate, it looks like I'm the Superior Spider Man now. But, who'd ever buy that?
We then cut over to Spidey, who decides the person he needs most right now is his wife, Mary Jane:
Linkara: Dude, I am the biggest champion of your marriage out there, but... might I suggest that visting a doctor or a scientist or... hell, even a veterinarian at this point, would be more productive in keeping you alive?!
- He is then suddenly attacked by Stunner, who exposits about her background and how she thinks superhero battles are some kind of game; Spidey has none of it:
  Spider-Man: What I do takes a man and turns him inside out— —breaks his spirit... shatters his world— —poisons everyone he cares about!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] In fact, it's kind of shocking that I'm actually still doing it! God, I need a therapist or something!
  Stunner: I thought you were the guy with the incredible sense of humor!
  Linkara: Well, this "I'm fo' serious" shtick is a joke.
  Stunner: What are you, anyway — Spider-Man or Spider-Infant?
  Linkara: Eh, I'm sure somebody's pitched a "Spider-Baby" cartoon at some point.
  - Stunner manages to knock Spidey out as Doc Ock arrives, who now believes his recent illness isn't a ruse; he then proceeds to unmask Spidey to find out what's wrong:
    Linkara: [as Doc Ock] Oh, oh, th-that explains it. Um, you didn't actually fight Spider-Man; this is Peter Parker.
    Linkara: [as Stunner] What are you talking about? Doesn't this just mean that Peter Parker is Spider-Man?
    Linkara: [as Doc Ock] No, no, no, you don't understand; this is not the first time I was fighting Spider-Man and unmasked him to reveal Peter Parker. I think the kid has a psychosis or something.
The second part begins with Doc Ock treating Peter in his lab:
Doc Ock: [thinking] The prison psychiatrists may be right after all.
Linkara: [as Doc Ock] I shouldn't be wearing my sunglasses indoors.
Doc Ock: [thinking] Those pompous cretins have often rendered the somewhat annoying opinion that I am crazy.
Linkara: [as Doc Ock] Just because I say that gophers are secretly plotting against me, they think I'm crazy!
- Despite his best efforts, though, Ock fails to come up with an antidote:
  Doc Ock: The formula—! It isn't reacting as predicted!
  Linkara: [as Doc Ock] But enough about my baking soda volcano; let's work on the virus now.
  - As Ock vents his frustrations on his equipment, Stunner tries to calm him down by explaining he doesn't owe Spidey anything:
    Stunner: He's only a macho vigilante who used to get his jollies by trying to pound the daylights out of you!
    Doc Ock: No! Our relationship goes much deeper!
    Linkara: Always awkward when you have to explain to your new girlfriend why you still care so much for your ex-boyfriend.
    Doc Ock: Spider-Man has always been my perfect foil: courageous, decent, and self-sacrificing! In so many ways, he was the man I could have been... might have been... if only...
    Linkara: [as Doc Ock] Anyway, I need him to get better so I can go back to trying to murder him.
We then cut to Kaine, brooding as per usual:
Kaine: [thinking] —and I cannot... will not... allow the likes of Otto Octavius to interfere with the path I must blaze for Spider-Man!
Linkara: [as Kaine] How dare he try to save his life... He should have left him to die so he could continue on that path I'm blazing for him!
Back with Doc Ock, he administers his cure on Peter, which results in his body spasming and consequently leaping around the city:
Captions: Bounding from building to building— —propelling himself an incredible thirty feet or more with each spectacular leap— —he impulsively hurls himself forward! His sole desire is to escape the pain—
Linkara: Yeah, Peter routinely wrecks his place whenever he steps on a Lego.
- Soon, Peter falls unconscious again, leaving Doc Ock to save him:
  Doc Ock: [thinking] I remember unmasking a considerably younger Peter Parker many years ago. For reasons which I now forget, I refused to believe that you were truly Spider-Man!
  Linkara: Well, it was, like, 25, 30 years ago; you're bound to forget some stuff.
Spidey later wakes back up on a rooftop close to his brownstone, fully costumed, and realizes the symptoms from the virus are gone, meaning he has been cured; he then celebrates with a noticeable pep in his step:
Spider-Man: No more doubts! No more regrets! The dark and moody spider is finally gone— —and only the friendly neighborhood web-slinger remains!
Linkara: [as Spider-Man] It's a good thing there's nothing else in my life to cause angst or worry or depression!
- He then enters the brownstone and changes out of the costume:
  Peter: [thinking] I've been living in this costume so long... it's almost like I'm shedding a second skin.
  Linkara: Yeah, there ain't enough detergent in the world to get the smell out now, Pete; best to just make a new one.
Unbeknownst to Peter, however, the cure Doc Ock gave him only temporarily masked the virus's symptoms, and the next day, Peter wakes up and realizes to his dismay that the virus isn't actually gone yet; he goes to tell Mary Jane, but she interrupts by informing him that she's pregnant:
Linkara: And Doctor Octopus is the father! [dramatic sting]
- Peter is naturally overjoyed to hear he'll become a father, but then remembers he's still infected and doesn't tell Mary Jane about it:
  Peter: Think I'll jump in the shower and then we can head over to the hospital and see Aunt May.
  Linkara: OH GOOD, IT'S BEEN A WHOLE FIVE MINUTES SINCE HE GOT TO STAND AROUND AND LOOK SAD AT AUNT MAY; GOTTA GET BACK TO THE GRINDSTONE!
  Animated Spider-Man: This is starting to sound like a bad comic book plot!
  Peter: They say people can actually hear you when they're in a coma... and we've just got to tell her the good news.
  Linkara: [as Peter] Probably can smell you, too; hence, why I need to take a shower. You might want to, as well; just the proximity to me probably infected you. Hey, like a virus! [laughs] I'll tell you why that's funny later.
During Peter and Mary Jane's visit to Aunt May's hospital room, we get narration from Aunt May herself describing her thoughts about the situation:
Aunt May: [thinking] But your voice—! It's got such a hold on me. Tethers me to the world.
Linkara: [as Aunt May] Just let me die already, Peter... Seriously, just let me diiieeeee!!
- Linkara then explains that this isn't actually Aunt May, but an actress hired by Norman Osborn to replace her who had her appearance genetically altered to resemble Aunt May; all of this is due to John Byrne's insistence that Aunt May be brought back to life:
  Linkara: Spider-Man's history and continuity is just retcon after retcon; instead of elaborate fan wikis that describe all this nonsense, you should just put this in! [snaps, cut to a title card from Clue reading "But here's what really happened."]
During a romantic dinner with Mary Jane, after experiencing more symptoms from the virus, Peter senses Doc Ock's presence; he changes to confront him... and Linkara notices the weather has changed from rain to snow:
Linkara: Climate change is even worse in the Marvel Universe; tomorrow's going to be a heat wave in New York at this point.
- Spidey attacks, but Ock claims he isn't here for a fight:
  Doc Ock: I knew the serum I gave you would only provide temporary results, at best—
  Linkara: [as Doc Ock] Yeah, yeah, I-I-I always knew it was only going to be temporary! I'm-I'm not trying to save face or anything!
  - Ock tells Spidey that he's found a proper cure and truly wants to help him:
    Doc Ock: Because you've provided a certain... continuity in my life.
    Linkara: [as Doc Ock] It's a continuity that's retconned every six months, but still.
Meanwhile, Stunner is suddenly approached by Kaine, who warns her to stay away from Doc Ock:
Linkara: God, we've got Doc Ock in love with Peter, Stunner in love with Ock, now Kaine in love with Ock; I don't know why anyone watches regular soap operas when this stuff was happening in comics! [pulls out a bag of popcorn] I stole this from the Late Night Double Feature set.
At Doc Ock's lab, Peter takes the new cure... but convulses again and passes out, as Ock puts on his glasses like David Caruso's character in CSI: Miami:
Linkara: [as Horatio Caine] "Come into my parlor"... [puts on sunglasses] said the spider to the octopus. [cue theme song]
During Peter's spiritual journey to Heaven, he comes across the spirit of Uncle Ben, as well as those of his parents Richard and Mary:
Peter: Th-Those... are my parents! My real parents!
Linkara: [as Richard] Actually, no; we're the robot duplicates of your parents. Your real parents are in Hell; go figure.
- Mary continues heaping her praises onto Peter:
  Mary: We're all so proud of you, Peter! You've led such a responsible, exemplary life! You've earned your rest!
  Linkara: [as Mary] Unlike me, May, and your father; boy howdy, could we tell you about the summer job we had in a resort! Also, I'm the redhead now.
  - However, Ock attempts to shock Peter back to life, causing his spirit to be pulled from Heaven; on the way out, though, he's stopped by Harry Osborn's spirit, saying he needs to atone for his past mistakes as his face turns into the Green Goblin's:
    Peter: [thinking] No! NO! Death is not the refuge I imagined! I can't hide here!
    Linkara: You heard it from the man himself; not even death would bring Peter peace.
Peter wakes up, and Ock tells him he wishes to go back to the way things were between them as the SWAT team he called in bursts into the room to arrest him:
Doc Ock: Our relationship has deepened in ways we could never have foreseen, Spider-Man. Having you in my debt will only sweeten my inevitable victory!
Linkara: It'd be funny if Doc Ock just kept coming back to save Peter over the years. Not actually fight him anymore; just do whatever he can to ensure that he lives for a final battle between them that never happens.
- Ock expresses his pleasure at how Spider-Man will always be waiting for the moment when he escapes:
  Spider-Man: [thinking] Yeah... I guess I will.
  Linkara: Cut to Peter in his underwear playing Sega Genesis, occasionally looking at his watch and going, "Geez, has he escaped yet?"
While Mary Jane cleans up the brownstone, Peter surprises her with flowers and an Acme Products baby crib:
Linkara: Which means it's either going to find Carmen Sandiego or explode... or both.
As Doc Ock is transported back to prison, he is surprised when Kaine rips open the roof of the transport vehicle:
Doc Ock: [thinking] Something's wrong! That's not Stunner!
Linkara: [as Doc Ock] Although, if it is... I'm kind of into the new look.

670: Detective Comics #359 (Batgirl)

Linkara goes over the cover and first reads the text above Batgirl's head, "Meet the new Batgirl!", and wonders why the word "new" is colored green with lines emanating from it:
Linkara: [as the cover] She's new because she's radioactive! That can't be good!
Cover: Is she heroine or villainess?
Linkara: Heroiness.
Cover: What is her startling secret identity?
Linkara: I don't know. Alfred? [shrugs]
Cover: "The Million Dollar Debut of Batgirl!"
Linkara: Man, I know older comics can be worth money, but I didn't think Batgirl's debut had gotten that big yet.
Linkara reads the preview for the issue:
Caption: Out of the super-star studded firmament of Gotham City, where Batman and Robin shine supreme as masked manhunters — bursts a brand new luminary — Batgirl!
Linkara: [as the caption] Unfortunately, she goes overlooked in an oversaturated market.
Caption: And like that very Batman after whom she models herself — she too battles crime and injustice in a manner wondrous enough for newspapers to proclaim in banner headlines — "The Million Dollar Debut of Batgirl!"
Linkara: [as the caption] Her merchandising deal puts all others to shame!
- After describing the, shall we say, bizarre attire of the villain of the issue, Killer Moth, Linkara turns his attention to Batman:
  Batman: [thinking] Who is this new Batgirl who seems to have taken over my crime-fighting territory?
  Linkara: [as Batman] Dammit, Batgirl! I called dibs on fighting crime here!
The story opens on Commissioner Gordon's daughter, Barbara, putting the finishing touches on her costume for the policemen's masquerade that evening, and tries it on:
Barbara: [thinking] Well!!! This "Batgirl" costume really does things for me! I can hardly wait for the midnight unmasking hour — and the shock I'll give Dad!
Linkara: [as Barbara] Especially after I've flirted with him for a while in it! [shrugs]
- She then drives along the suburban highway (depicted as a grassy field for some reason) to the hotel where the party is being held:
  Barbara: [thinking] I made my Ph.D. at Gotham State University! I graduated summa cum laude! I wear a brown belt at judo! But tonight will be the highlight of my life!
  Linkara: [as Barbara] Screw you, higher education and martial arts training! Wearing a form-fitting outfit at a policemen's ball is the high point of my life! All downhill from here!
Barbara soon finds trouble, though, when she spies Bruce Wayne's car getting stopped by Killer Moth's goons, the Moth-Men, and they begin to rough him up:
Barbara: [thinking] Why — that's Bruce Wayne they're attacking — Daddy's millionaire friend! He's always regarded me as a mousey sort of person! I wonder what he'd say if he knew who it was coming to rescue him! I'll disguise my voice — so he doesn't recognize it!
Linkara: [as Batgirl, in a Cockney accent] Oi, Bruce Wayne! Oi'll save you, oi will!
Linkara: [as Batman] ...Okay, we'll workshop this.
- While Barbara deals with the Moth-Men, though, Killer Moth himself swoops in to capture her:
  Caption: Yes! This is that lethal lepidopteron whose exploits have made him a prime enemy of the Caped Crusader!
  Linkara: Glad it was his exploits, because it certainly wasn't his fashion sense.
Batman then arrives and attacks Killer Moth, forcing Killer Moth to flee; Linkara then states that Batman can't pursue him in the air since he is not Spider-Man and can't web-swing:
Linkara: [as Batman, wearing a Spider-Man mask underneath the cowl] Although, I could be, if I wanted to! [beat] I'm Bat-Spider.
- Batman focuses his attention on freeing Batgirl:
  Caption: Her eyes sparkle! Her breath comes faster! Her heart thumps with alarming speed!
  Linkara: [as the caption] Oh, God, she's having a heart attack!
  Caption: Babs Gordon is having the time of her life — fully alive to this new excitement and danger — and loving it!
  Linkara: [as Barbara] God, I've got to find someone else to punch now! Bruce Wayne, where are you?!
  - Barbara, acting as "Batgirl", explains her situation to Batman, stating she was going to the policemen's ball, but her costume is ruined now:
    Batgirl: As for my secret identity — I'll exchange mine for yours...
    Batman: No deal!
    Linkara: [as Batman] As if I would tell you that I'm Bruce Wayne! ...Dammit, third time this week!
The next day, Bruce and Dick have breakfast as Bruce receives a letter in the mail:
Linkara: [as Batman] "I secretly went to Europe and had twins"? What the hell is th—?! Oh... Oh, this is for Peter Parker. ...And it's in Harry Osborn's handwriting?
- Actually, the letter is a ransom demand from Killer Moth:
  Bruce: —telling me that what happened to me as Bruce Wayne last night was just a sample of what will happen — unless I pay him $100,000 in cash tonight!
  Linkara: [as Batman] My God... He's going to ruin another one of my cars!
Meanwhile, Barbara works on a new Batgirl costume:
Barbara: [thinking] I suppose I'll never use it — but I can dream... and this new Batgirl costume will be ready... just in case...
Linkara: [as Barbara] You never know when another police masquerade will strike!
- After stumbling upon what she thinks is Bruce Wayne's murder at his mansion, Barbara quick-changes into her Batgirl costume (which quite impresses Linkara) and busts in:
  Caption: Then the new — the real — Batgirl...
  Linkara: As opposed to all those bootleg knockoff Batgirls out there, I guess...
  Caption: ...makes her first appearance before the world — and Killer Moth and his Moth-Men...
  Linkara: How is it "to the world" when it's in an isolated mansion, and she's doing it to the people who have already seen her before?
  - Unbeknownst to Batgirl, however, the "murder" was part of Batman's plan, and after he pulls her into his and Robin's room and quiets her down, the Moth-Men run off:
    Moth-Man: She must have knocked herself out!
    Linkara: [confused] Knocked... herself... out...?
    George Hedare: Your incompetence is staggering!
After Batman and Robin explain their plan to Batgirl, she feels guilty for messing it up and wants to go with them to capture Killer Moth, but Batman staunchly refuses:
Batman: This is a case for Batman and Robin! I'm sorry — but you must understand that we can't worry ourselves about a girl...
Linkara: [as Batman] Even though I've seen you kick people's asses twice, I just know that your boobs would get in the way of fighting crime!
Batman and Robin track Killer Moth to his hideout, but the villain activates his trap, causing the duo to suddenly find themselves floating in midair:
Linkara: [as Batman] Robin! I told you we shouldn't have had any of those Fizzy Lifting Drinks! This is all your fault!
With Batgirl's help, Batman and Robin free themselves from the trap and dispatch Killer Moth; Batgirl says they should be grateful for the help:
Batman: Well — since you brought the subject up — I could have escaped — and was about to when you appeared — by firing my laser torch, using the principle of action and reaction to reach safety!
Linkara: [as Batman] Yeah, you stupid girl! I don't need your help! You are completely superfluous! [beat] Robin, make a note to pack the laser torch from now on.
The story ends with Barbara and Commissioner Gordon talking at home:
Commissioner Gordon: That Batgirl sure is tops in my book! Harrumph! Too bad you couldn't be a little more like her, Babs!
Linkara: Commissioner Gor-Dick. Like, what the hell, man? She's your daughter.
The post-credits stinger, featuring the... peculiar-looking Mothmobile.
Linkara: The Mothmobile, everyone.
Mike Nelson: Sure it's phallic; why wouldn't it be?
During his fight with Billy Tor, Linkara attempts to capture him with a Pokéball like he did with Pyramid Head. The ball just bounces off harmlessly, and the implacable Serial Killer Tor stares at it in thorough confusion for a few moments.
Linkara: Eh. Worth a shot.
After somehow getting himself elected president in Billy Tor's home dimension, Dr. Linksano delivers an emotional speech apologizing on behalf of the United States Government for the Loxley Prison Massacre, promising financial restitution to the families of the victims and a national monument in their memories, stating that he hopes that it will help the ghosts of the victims rest easier... before punctuating it with his signature Evil Laugh. Helping this is Linkara's sheer bafflement at the events, especially with the cherry on top of Billy Tor forfeiting with the following line:
Billy Tor: Wee wee wee!
Linkara: ...WHAT?!.

671: The X-Men #4 (Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch)

Linkara looks at the cover for the issue, which features giant versions of Magneto, Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Toad, and Mastermind looking down on the tiny X-Men; needless to say, this doesn't happen in the comic itself:
Linkara: Though, I would not object to it. "Hey, gonna send Sentinels against us? Fine! Now we're big, too! Eat my enormous ass!"
The story begins with the X-Men practicing in the Danger Room:
Stan Lee's Narration: You are gazing at a sight which few Homo sapiens have ever been privileged to witness...
Linkara: [as Stan Lee] Wait, wait, wait... You did pay the cover charge, right?
Stan Lee's Narration: ...the awesome Danger Room where Professor Xavier trains his Homo superior mutant students for the dangers which await them!
Linkara: [as Stan Lee] Dangers like giant mechanical arms punching them, flamethrowers coming out of the walls, or explosive arrows!
[beat]
Linkara: Wait, what the hell am I joking about? The X-Men encounter all those things. [gives a thumbs-up] Good job preparing them, Chuck.
Professor X: Faster, Hank! And beware of sudden traps!
Linkara: [as Professor X] Oh no! Someone activated Magic Cylinder on him!
We are shown Beast's run through the Danger Room, his trial ending upon grabbing a strip of paper after mistaking it for a rope, which tears and causes him to fall into some water:
Professor X: Remember this lesson, Hank McCoy! No matter what danger faces you, think twice before trusting a sudden means of escape!
Linkara: [as Professor X] That "X" on a pop-up video ad might seem like it'll close it, but really, it's bringing you to a site it's advertising!
When it's time for Iceman's turn, Linkara has the perfect clip:
Mister Freeze: The iceman cometh!
- It turns out the Danger Room is well-equipped to handle Bobby's ice powers, including metal plates that shatter his ice streams, cauldrons of flame, and blasts of steam that melt the coating of ice off his body:
  Iceman: Looks like I really blew the bit that time, sir!
  Mister Freeze: It doesn't work on the coldhearted.
  Linkara: I have way too much fun with Arnold Mister Freeze clips...
Next up is Jean Grey:
Professor X: Raise the lid of that box carefully, and remove what is inside!
Linkara: Charles Xavier beating the Dune pain box test.
- What Jean pulls out is actually a cake, to commemorate a full year since the X-Men were first formed, and the group chows down:
  Cyclops: Here, Jean — allow me to cut you a piece of cake — in my own way!
  Linkara: ...And he uses his eye beams to cut a slice. Well, if the whole X-Men thing fails to take off, Cyclops has a backup career in catering ready.
  Jean: Why, thank you, Cyclops! But that's a bit like using an elephant gun to kill a house fly!
  Linkara: Somewhere, Burt Gummer is confused why that would be a problem.
Meanwhile, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants have their dinner, with Scarlet Witch being bothered by Mastermind turning Toad into a pig with his illusions after Quicksilver raises a stink, causing her to leave:
Scarlet Witch: I find your illusions as repulsive as the Toad's table manners!
Mastermind: Hah! You are spunky, my little witch! I like that in a female! Someday, I may even decide that you would be a worthy mate for Mastermind!
Linkara: "Mastermind: With the Power of Incel".
- Naturally, Scarlet Witch does not take this well, which leads into another series of rapid-fire jokes:
  Scarlet Witch: How dare you speak to me that way?? I'd sooner die than marry you!
  Quicksilver: Wanda! Don't point your finger at him!! You know that always causes a disaster to occur!
  Linkara: [as Scarlet Witch] Okay, I'll change it up, then.
  Linkara: [as Quicksilver] Well, good; then I— Wait, you're flipping him the bird?! ARGH! [cue explosions]
  Linkara: This is why parents tell you it's rude to point.
  Linkara: [as Quicksilver] My God, Wanda! Hurricanes and tsunamis are devastating the Eastern Seaboard because of your pointing!
  Linkara: Yeah, this explains how she got the headdress.
  Linkara: [as Quicksilver] Oh no, Wanda! Your pointing just made Marville happen!
  Linkara: Few people realize this, but House of M and all that? It all started right here.
  Linkara: I mean, how bad could the disaster really be—? OH, MY GOD! ARBY'S DOESN'T SELL POTATO CAKES ANYMORE!!
  Linkara: And this is why WandaVision kinda just skipped '90s sitcoms.
  Linkara: Wanda does not kid around with "pull my finger" jokes.
  Linkara: Unfortunately for Wanda, the disaster turned out to be her marrying him.
  Linkara: Wait a second... Pointing causes disaster? <gasp!> Wanda, Countdown is your fault!
  '67 Spider-Man: How dare you point at me!
  Spider-Man 2099: You-You were pointing first!
  '67 Spider-Man: It's rude to point!
  Linkara: And let's bring it all home...
  Quicksilver: Wanda! Don't point your finger at him!! You know that always causes a disaster to occur!
  Linkara: [as Quicksilver] Oh, my God, Wanda, no! No, no, don't do the finger guns at him, Wanda! No! Oh! OH, MY GOD!! OH, MY GOD, THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!! THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOOOOD!!!
  Linkara: [as Scarlet Witch] And that's why my outfit isn't green anymore.
  - Actually, the "disaster" is just her dumping water on Mastermind's pants, which results in Mastermind saying she will regret it:
    Mastermind: I'll now create an illusion so realistic that it will drive you to the point of raving madness!!
    Homer Simpson: AAUGH! They're dogs... and they're playing poker! [screams, then laughs hysterically]
We then cut to the offices of a large shipping company:
Stan Lee's Narration: At that moment, a tall, awesome-looking costumed figure enters the room! The imposing figure of Magneto, the most powerful of all the evil mutants!!
Arcade Magneto: I am Magneto! Master of Magnet!!
- Magneto is there to commander an old convoy freighter with cannons on it that the shipping company was planning on selling:
  Magneto: A simple band of magnetic force will keep you inside this room until I have completed my task!
  Crow T. Robot: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
Magneto pilots the freighter back to the Brotherhood's headquarters on an uncharted island:
Toad: It's the leader! He's back! He's back! And he has a destroyer!
Linkara: Freighters and destroyers are the same thing, right?
- Magneto goes over to Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch to talk to them, only for Quicksilver to say that they're both leaving:
  Magneto: No! You cannot leave! Have you forgotten — you, most of all, what you owe me??
  Scarlet Witch: He is right, Pietro! I must remain and serve him — until my debt is repaid!
  Linkara: [as Scarlet Witch] Admittedly, this does seem like a bit much for the twenty bucks I borrowed, but still...
  - After Magneto recounts how he saved Scarlet Witch's life, Quicksilver decides to stay in the group as long as his sister wants to stay:
    Magneto: ...And now that we have our ship, we shall launch our first attack! The five of us, alone and unaided, shall conquer an entire nation — as a test of our supreme power!
    Linkara: Unfortunately, Magneto picks a landlocked micronation to attack and soon abandons this plan out of annoyance.
A few days later, Professor X reads about Magneto's attack on the republic of Santo Marco:
Professor X: Incredible!
Linkara: [as Professor X] "New Petitions Against Tax"?! To me, my X-Men!
During the attack on Santo Marco, Magneto has Mastermind use his illusion powers to conjure up an invading army to scare the populace into submission:
Scarlet Witch: But is it necessary to plant such fear in the hearts of the people, Magneto?
Magneto: Of course!
M. Bison: Of COURSE!
Magneto: Humans are like sheep! They respond to certain stimuli — and fear is one of the most potent!
Linkara: My God! It's my greatest fear made manifest... people sharing spoilers on Twitter before I can watch what they're talking about!
After Magneto completes his takeover of the country and establishes his own armed forces, the X-Men infiltrate the island disguised as American students on a goodwill visit, which Magneto orders to be let through:
Soldier: [thinking] The leader feels they can be fooled into thinking he is a kind and beloved ruler!
Linkara: [as the soldier] Weird that we've had, like, 3,000 of these students in tanks and carrying military hardware, but can't go against the leader's orders, I suppose.
- Magneto's attunement to Professor X's presence in his mind alerts him to the X-Men's deception, and he sends out the Brotherhood to deal with them... but Linkara gets distracted by Magneto's flag, which is colored red with a white "M" on it:
  Linkara: And indeed, the X-Men suit up to deal with him... if only to give him a better flag. I mean, really, Magneto, you're not even going to color the "M" as purple to match your outfit? Right now, it looks like Mario is in charge here!
After dealing with Quicksilver during his infiltration of Magneto's fortress, Angel is suddenly attacked by Scarlet Witch, who uses her hex powers to restrain him:
Angel: [thinking] Wow! She just points her finger, and the ceiling caves in!
Linkara: Actually, I'm pretty sure she's making the "devil horns" gesture here; maybe Wanda's true power comes from Black Sabbath?
Cyclops manages to blast the fortress's power generator and sends it outside... right into the path of Iceman; thankfully, he uses his powers to avoid the generator and makes his way inside:
Mister Freeze: Cool party!
- The X-Men reunite... but soon find themselves having to outrun a river of boiling oil:
  Linkara: I like to think Magneto kept it there to dump on peasants who protested his rule; he doesn't have to use it, but he's a sucker for the classics.
  - Fortunately, Professor X arrives in the nick of time to stop the oil and flames from reaching the group:
    Professor X: Do not fear, my X-Men! There is a way out!
    Linkara: [as Professor X] Set yourselves on fire like I have!
Meanwhile, Magneto rigs up some traps for the X-Men, including a tripwire bomb at the entrance of his hideout... and a nuclear bomb to destroy Santo Marco:
Magneto: We will flee now!
Arcade Magneto: X-Chicken!
Magneto: If the smaller bomb doesn't stop the X-Men, the large one will — taking all of Santo Marco!
Linkara: Dude, that just means you're going to have to start all over again in trying to take over a country! This seems like overkill!
- Thanks to Professor X's self-sacrifice, the X-Men breach the door to Magneto's hideout, only for the Brotherhood to escape to their freighter via a giant escape slide:
  Linkara: One of the many perks of ruling your own country.
  - After Quicksilver disarms the nuke and escapes, the X-Men turn their attentions to Professor X:
    Jean: He's alive — but something terrible has happened!
    Beast: His brain seems to be affected!
    Cyclops: His brain??
    Kirk: [mouthing] His brain...?
    Cyclops: But — that's his greatest weapon!
    Linkara: [as Professor X, flexing his muscles] Second only to these guns, my X-Men.
The post-credits stinger:
Quicksilver: Wanda! Don't point your finger at him!! You know that always causes a disaster to occur!
Linkara: [as Scarlet Witch] Does this bug you? I'm not touching you... But you are in agony now, so that probably bugs you.

672: Batman #1 (Joker and Catwoman)

Linkara pulls out some choice quotes from Batman co-creator Bob Kane concerning... the distinction between the sexes:
Bob Kane: I've felt that women were feline creatures and men more like dogs.
Linkara: It's true; I do have a desire to go for walkies and eat Beggin' Strips, whereas all the women I've ever met scratch at furniture and try to climb on top of me when I'm trying to do a review.
Bob Kane: I've felt much warmer with dogs around me; cats are as hard to understand as women are.
Linkara: Damn vaginas! They're just as incomprehensible as cats wanting to get into the bathroom while you're using it.
Bob Kane: You always need to keep women at arm's length.
Linkara: Bob Kane, spokesman for Activision.
Bob Kane: We don't want anyone taking over our souls, and women have a habit of doing that.
Linkara: Damn women are always playing keep-away with my soul!
Bob Kane: I guess women will feel that I'm being chauvinistic to speak this way, but I do feel that I've had better relationships with male friends than women; with women, once the romance is over, somehow, they never remain my friends.
Linkara: CAN'T IMAGINE WHY THAT WOULD BE, BOB!
- Making things even funnier, one of Linkara's cats is on his lap for this whole bit.
The preview to the Joker's first story features the Clown Prince of Crime himself holding three cards, one for Batman, one for Robin, and one representing him:
Linkara: Man, Magic: The Gathering has really changed over the years...
- Linkara then reads the narration:
  Caption: Once again a master criminal stalks the city streets — a criminal weaving a web of death about him...
  Linkara: [as the caption] The Joker's Three-card Monte scheme is deadly!
  Caption: Only two dare to oppose him — Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder! Two to battle the grim jester called — the Joker! A battle of wits — with swift death the only compromise!!!
  Linkara: Well, the debate rules are harsh, but fair.
The Joker story begins with an elderly couple listening to the radio:
Old Woman: My, isn't it peaceful sitting at home like this?
Old Man: Nothing like it! Hmmm, static!
Linkara: [as the old man] Man, I love living in Silent Hill!
- After the Joker hijacks the radio to proclaim his intent to kill Henry Claridge and steal his family's diamond, Claridge is placed under police protection; Claridge seems to survive past the intended time of death, but he soon collapses and dies with his face permanently twisted into a hideous grin:
  Policeman 1: It's — It's horrible!
  Policeman 2: Grotesque! The Joker brings death to his victims with a smile!
  Linkara: [as Policeman 2] But it did do wonders for this guy's dental work, so... that's an upside, at least.
At his hideout, the Joker exposits aloud how he had poisoned Claridge and swapped out the diamond the previous night:
Joker: They find the glass diamond tonight, that I exchanged for the real one last night! A prediction on the radio of a crime that has already been done!
Linkara: [as the Joker] Although, kind of annoying that my broadcast got pre-empted by baseball...
Joker: If the police expect to play against the Joker, they had best be prepared to be dealt from the bottom of the deck!
Mr. Bond: What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
We then cut to Bruce and Dick discussing this new threat:
Dick: But Bruce, why don't we take a shot at this Joker guy?
Bruce: Not yet, Dick. The time isn't ripe.
Linkara: [as Batman] Look, we have more important things to worry about here! One-Face has broken out of prison again, and I don't have time to deal with this "Joker"; I've got real supervillains to deal with!
- Bruce soon catches wind of a criminal gang setting a trap to deal with the Joker once and for all and suits up as Batman to observe the proceedings without Dick; Joker arrives having already known about the trap, but Batman soon has his cover blown:
  Batman: [thinking] I'm afraid I wasn't as silent as I hoped to be!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Ugh, damn laser torch! Ever since I started bringing it with me on jobs, it keeps activating on its own! Robin! Who told you to keep packing this stupid thing?!
  Caption: The Joker is momentarily forgotten as the Batman leaps down the stairs—
  Linkara: [as Batman, falling down in front of the camera] IAMTHENIGHT!
  - While Batman fights the goons, Joker makes his way to the crime boss, Brute Nelson, and shoots him:
    Joker: I won't even waste the usual "Joker" Venom on you, Brute, but give you something you can understand! Lead!
    Linkara: [as Brute] Actually... I don't speak lead... [keels over and dies]
The next day, Joker delivers an announcement saying he will kill Judge Drake, the man who sent him to prison; as before, he is placed under police protection, and is visited by the chief of police that night:
"Chief of Police": Listen Judge, I've got men posted outside every door! No one can get in! Relax. Let's play some cards.
Linkara: [as the "chief of police"] I've been wanting to try this new Exodia deck for days now!
- Anticipating a sneak attack by the Joker, Batman sends Robin to follow anyone who leaves Judge Drake's house; he finds the Joker's hideout and sneaks in, but the Joker knocks him out, causing Batman to grow worried at his absence:
  Batman: Robin — gone — must have followed a lead! I'll use the infra-red lamp! This invention of mine will come in handy now!
  '89 Joker: Where does he get those wonderful toys?
Using the infra-red lamp, Batman manages to find the Joker and busts in before he can poison Robin:
Batman: You may be the Joker, but I'm the King of Clubs!
Linkara: [as the Joker] It would be funnier if you were actually using a club, Bat-Brain!
Linkara: [as Batman] Right, right. I'm, uh... the Ace of Diamonds?
Linkara: [as the Joker] <sigh> We'll work on it...
- Eventually, Joker sprays Batman with a paralyzing gas and sets his hideout ablaze, leaving the Dynamic Duo to burn:
  Caption: But the Joker has not reckoned with the amazing recuperative powers of the mighty Batman!
  Linkara: Even in the Golden Age, the writers were turning him into the Bat-God.
Batman and Robin escape the fire and intercept the Joker at the home of his next target, where he unloads a full pistol clip into Batman:
Joker: Die — blast you — die! Why don't you die!
Batman: [thinking] Hasn't the Joker ever heard of a bullet-proof vest!
Linkara: [as Batman] It's a good thing I wear, like, five of them on top of each other, since bulletproof vests lose their stopping power after one shot; that's why I'm so bulky in these comics.
- It isn't enough, however, and Batman knocks the Joker out:
  Batman: You played your last hand, Joker!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Admittedly, you had a straight flush, but I... uh... Uh... Dammit, I had something for this... Uh... I'm the King of Clubs!
  - This first story ends with the Joker behind bars:
    Joker: They can't keep me here! I know of a way out — the Joker will yet have the last laugh!
    Linkara: I mean, you kind of already did, since you're getting to keep your snazzy outfit in prison and all...
The Catwoman story begins with Bruce and Dick discussing a yacht party being held by Mrs. John Travers, which is bound to be a prime target for criminals eager to steal her emerald necklace; Linkara, however, is amused by the sight of Bruce Wayne smoking a pipe, a trait that definitely did not carry over to modern interpretations:
Linkara: [as Batman, with a pipe in his mouth] It's elementary, Commissioner Gordon! Our deadly foe in this fight is none other than... rock and roll.
- Thanks to Bruce's influence, Dick secures a place on the boat as a steward, and keeps an eye on Mrs. Travers as she meets with her nephew, Denny, and his guest, an elderly woman named Miss Peggs:
  Miss Peggs: Ever since I sprained my ankle Denny has been escorting me about! A fine boy, your nephew, a fine boy!
  Linkara: [as Miss Peggs] And it goes without saying that he rocks my world every night, Mrs. Travers! We're gonna capsize this boat this weekend, if you get my meaning!
Later that evening, Dick overhears a conversation between Mrs. Travers and her brother Roger wherein she rejects his request to borrow money from her:
Mrs. Travers: Just because you're my brother, doesn't mean I must finance all your stupid plunges in the stock market!
Linkara: [as Roger] It's different this time, sis; they're called "NFTs"! Just look at this drawing of a monkey I don't actually own!
- Then, Dick sees Denny trying to throw a piece of paper off the boat, but Dick manages to catch it thanks to the wind:
  Linkara: [as Dick] O-Oh. Oh, God! Never mind! It's just a very explicit sex note from Miss Peggs to him! She goes into so much detail! SO MUCH DETAAAIL!
Despite Dick's efforts, the emerald necklace is stolen; a boat claiming to be the Coast Guard arrives... but it's quickly revealed that they're actually gangsters who are also after the necklace. They find out to their annoyance that it was already taken, and so decide to investigate its whereabouts while stealing other valuables; when the gangsters start to rough up a couple, Dick attacks the gangsters, causing them to shoot at him while he jumps overboard:
Gangster 1: Did ya get him?
Gangster 2: He ain't come up yet!
Gangster 3: Sure, Boss, we got him! We don't miss!
Linkara: [as Gangster 3] And as we all know, a dead body in the water definitely sinks down to the bottom and doesn't float. We're really good gangsters!
- The gangsters then decide to flee with their ill-gotten gains before the real Coast Guard shows up, but to their (and Robin's) surprise, Batman appears and knocks them down:
  Robin: How did you get here?
  Batman: The trail got cold on my other case, so I drove to the yacht!
  Linkara: So, basically, he got bored with whatever he was doing and decided to go to the more interesting case. "World's Greatest Detective", everybody!
Batman then decides to run an impromptu experiment to showcase how brave crooks actually are without their guns:
Batman: I'm going to show the kids of America how yellow you rats are without your guns! I'm going to let Robin here take four of you on — at the same time!
Gangster 2: The guy's nuts!
Linkara: [as Gangster 2] I mean, does he have cameras or something set up? How exactly can he "show this to the kids of America"?
- Of course, they prove no match for Robin:
  Batman: [to the reader] Well, kids, there's your proof! Crooks are yellow without their guns! — Don't go around admiring them — rather do your best in fighting them and all their kind!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Only you can stop VHS tapes, Xenomorphs, and childhood friends who dress up like mummies and quote Aristotle as part of elaborate revenge schemes!
  Linkara: [as Gangster 1] Steve, who the hell is he talking to?
  Linkara: [as Steve] I don't know, man; maybe that Robin kid's been hitting him in the head, too!
Afterwards, Batman attends a costume ball held by Mrs. Travers, where he wins the contest and is awarded a giant trophy cup... into which he deposits the valuables that were stolen earlier:
Batman: You see — I really am — the Batman!
Linkara: [as Mrs. Travers] Well, in that case, you didn't win anything! This contest was for legit competitors!
- Suddenly, the fire alarm is pulled, and the guests begin rushing out of the room... including old Miss Peggs:
  Batman: It worked! — There goes Miss Peggs. Nice legs for an old woman!
  Linkara: Crap, now Batman's hitting on her; Miss Peggs has a little black book with half of Gotham City's phone numbers in it.
  - The yacht captain announces it was a false alarm, and "Miss Peggs" (actually the Cat in disguise) realizes too late that she was Batman's real target; she is captured by Robin, and Batman proceeds to remove her wig and makeup:
    The Cat: Let go of me!
    Batman: Quiet or Papa spank!
    Linkara: [as Batman] Yep, still into this, even if it was just makeup!
    Linkara: This panel's become quite infamous and semi-memetic, to the point where it's easy to believe it might be a fake one, like all those Moon Knight panels about demanding Dracula pay him or the "Has anyone seen the Joker?" thing. But nope; unless someone altered two different copies of scans of this comic that I have... it's real. [singing] Nine-teen for-ties casual sexism!
Batman recovers the emerald necklace from the Cat and knocks out her accomplice, Denny, and then takes her on a boat back to shore to be arrested; suddenly, she jumps overboard, and Batman "accidentally" bumps into Robin before he can chase after her, causing Robin to believe he let her escape deliberately:
Batman: Why, Robin, my boy, whatever gave you such an idea!... Hmm — Nice night, isn't it?
Linkara: [as Batman] Especially a nice night for a woman to drown because she's miles from shore without any way of getting back, and she's in a dress.
- The final story ends with Batman head over heels for the Cat... but then remembers he's still in a relationship with Julie Madison as Robin pouts:
  Linkara: [as Robin] Thanks, Batman; good to know we can just let criminals off the hook as long as they make out with us. Good lesson you're imparting here.
The post-credits stinger:
Caption: The Joker is momentarily forgotten as the Batman leaps down the stairs—
'89 Joker: What kind of a world do we live in where a man dressed up as a bat gets all of my press?

673: Spider-Man Holiday Special 1995

Linkara's finger-snap transition to his Christmas decorations this year comes with a twist — he accidentally brings in the cast of Comic POP who, confused and worried by this sudden turn of events, freak out and frantically snap their fingers to switch back to Linkara:
Linkara: [frightened] Okay, I've... figured out what I want for Christmas: a new snap! Mine's worn out!
- The incident is still on Linkara's mind as he begins the review:
  Linkara: But otherwise, let's dig into the Spider-Man 1995 Holiday Special and get ourselves into the spirit of the season! [beat] Maybe that's who those four were... Spirits...!
Linkara looks at the cover, which features a gigantic Venom opening an equally large present to reveal both Spider-Men (Peter Parker and Ben Reilly) and the Human Torch, along with a bunch of tinsel which Linkara hypothesizes must be really good at smothering fires:
Linkara: Let's test this theory! [fires his Magic Gun at a bunch of tinsel]
Title Card: Several Fire Trucks and a Complete Reconstruction of the Set Later...
Linkara: You know, jokes like that are the reason why episodes don't come out on time anymore...
- Linkara also notes that Black Cat appears in the book, but for some reason, she doesn't get stuffed in the giant present with the other characters on the cover:
  Linkara: Or— Oh God, IS THE TINSEL WHAT'S LEFT OF BLACK CAT?!
The first story, "A Matter of Faith", opens with Ben kicking a thug in the face, but due to an artistic flub, Ben looks like he's pushing out his rear and striking a pose:
Linkara: [as Spider-Man, shaking his hips] Strut, pout, put it out!
Linkara: Or maybe, given the sound effect here, Ben is trying to advertise "Wet-Ass Parker"?
- The thugs Spidey's attacking were robbing an elderly couple on Christmas Eve:
  Thug: B-Back off, jerk! I-I ain't afraid of being the guy who killed Spider-Man!
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): (gasp!) A gun! Oh dear, what am I to do? I mean, it's not like I ever faced down a gun before!
  Linkara: He's cocky now, but wait for Doctor Octopus to come in wielding six guns.
  - Of course, Spidey has no trouble taking the thugs out and returning the presents to the couple:
    Old Man: Th-Thank you, Mr.... uh, Spider-Man.
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Please, my father was Mr. Spider-Man; call me "Spectacular".
    Old Woman: Yes! And happy holidays to you and your loved ones!
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Thanks; I'll be visiting the cemetery later! [beat] Wow, I just made myself sad...
Linkara skips over Ben reflecting on how he no longer has any loved ones at the moment, and how he can't visit any of Peter's friends since changing his identity, to move to the next scene:
Linkara: And now, a dramatic retelling of how I think this next scene got made.
Linkara: [as Writer 1] Hey, have we had a scene of Spider-Man rescuing a woman on a bridge yet?
Linkara: [as Writer 2] Mmm, no, I'm pretty sure I'd remember if we did that.
Linkara: [as Writer 1] Well, we gotta have that scene in there! Spidey rescuing a woman who fell to make up for Gwen Stacy's death? It's such a great idea for a scene!
Linkara: [as Writer 2] You are so right; I'm gonna get right on it!
Yes, Spidey ONCE AGAIN rescues a woman falling from a bridge, but this time, the woman, Jenny Sheridan, actually intended to die and lashes out:
Jenny: Because I have no reason to live! I have nothing. I am nothing. No friends, no family, no job, no money. And today was the kicker!
Linkara: [as Jenny] I lost the kicker for my fantasy football league!
- Ben empathizes with her plight, especially since he struggled with his identity and place in the world five years ago much like she did:
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): Listen, Jenny, what say we get out of here, okay? I've got this real hang-up about girls on bridges...
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Like, seriously, is there a sign-up sheet for women to do this? Is there a separate one for men?
Jenny explains that she moved to New York to start a career as a writer, but couldn't find any work, and eventually her money dwindled away and she lost her apartment, causing her to lose all hope at the prospect of being homeless and anonymous with no one to care for her:
Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): That's where you're wrong, Jenny. No matter what you think there are people who care. I care.
Linkara: [as Jenny] Does that mean I can crash at your place?
Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Ehh... You could, but then you'd probably just vanish into the ether like all the other supporting female characters who keep being introduced.
While carrying Jenny home, Spidey comes across a commotion at the Manhattan Mall caused by the minor villain Scorcher; he drops her off and swings into action, kicking Scorcher:
Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): Who're you working for this time, Scorcher — the Grinch?
Scorcher: I don't answer to anyone these days, Bug-Man!
Linkara: [as Scorcher] Besides, the Grinch won't answer my calls ever since he went out into space to search for Santa with the rest of his species.
The next story, "The Cat Who Stole Christmas", features a rather peculiar opinion piece on Spider-Man, featuring garbled text printed with smudged ink:
Linkara: And it's a relevant commentary on today's society, where everyone gets pissed off at clickbaity, terrible headlines without ever reading the article, which may not reflect the terrible headline. [beat] Though often, it still does.
The third story, "The Venom Claus", begins three days before Christmas, with Venom (or rather, Eddie Brock) helping up a charity Santa worker who had just gotten beaten up and robbed:
Eddie: Which punks? Who would dare assault a sidewalk Santa?
Santa Worker: Where are you from? Mars? This is New York City — even the police get mugged.
Linkara: [as the Santa worker] And sometimes, the police are doing the mugging. [beat] Basically, what I'm saying is, they should rename this town to "The Big Mugging".
Eddie disguises himself as Santa to lure out the gang, but comes across a vagrant with a megaphone complaining about Christmas:
Vagrant: Don't listen to him! The Christmas spirit is dead! Keep your money—
Linkara: [as the vagrant] My dissatisfaction with the level of Christmas spirit means you shouldn't give to charity!
Linkara: Eddie tells him to piss off.
Vagrant: Where's your Christmas spirit, fat boy?
Linkara: [as the vagrant] Christmas is about YELLING AT PEOPLE TO NOT GIVE MONEY TO CHARITY WITH A MEGAPHONE!
Vagrant: You're just another phony — taking but never giving.
Mike Nelson: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
- Eddie deals with the vagrant... by shoving the megaphone into his mouth, causing him to produce a honking noise:
  Linkara: Dammit, Eddie, you just made it worse! Now his breathing is going to be really loud!
Eddie eventually comes across some people being mugged and intervenes, but manages to get knocked to the ground:
Mugger: Yeah.
Enrico Marini: Yeah.
Mugger: But I want his cap as a souvenir— Hey, it won't come off!
Linkara: Turns out this isn't Venom; it's just some other symbiote whose outfit resembles a Santa suit.
- Actually, the Santa suit was a false outfit created by Venom, who morphs into his regular form:
  Venom: All of you will pay for your cowardly attacks on the innocents in this neighborhood. Not to mention the fact that to find you, we had to endure an afternoon of begging for donations.
  Linkara: [as Venom] I had to pretend to support the Salvation Army, for God's sakes; do you know how they treat LGBT people?!
Venom takes care of most of the muggers, save for one who pulls out a pistol:
Mugger: Let them go or you're cacked.
Linkara: You're going to turn into a Cacodemon?
- The mugger fires, but the symbiote absorbs the bullets:
  Venom: Oh, my. You shot me?! You actually shot me.
  Linkara: [as Venom] Dammit, I just bought this symbiote!
Venom prepares to kill the mugger, but the victims step in to stop him:
Venom: After what this animal did to you and your husband— —you would beg for mercy on his behalf?
Linkara: [as an old woman] Yeah! Because I wanna do it!
Old Woman: Oh, don't mistake me for a fool. I know he's dangerous. But he belongs in jail, not dead. Please, let the police deal with him and his friends. After all, it is Christmas.
Linkara: People often forget the true meaning of Christmas: not killing people.
- Venom ultimately relents, but lets the mugger know if he and his associates continue their criminal activities, he won't go easy on them next time:
  Venom: Remember— —we know who's naughty— —and we'll put 'em on ice! [singing] You better watch out... You better not cry... You better not shout... We're telling you why... Venom Claus is coming to town...
  Linkara: Uh, you're already in town.
The fourth story, "Companions", features Willie Lumpkin, the mailman for the Fantastic Four, who visits Aunt May's grave; thanks to some supernatural shenanigans, Willie meets up with another old lady at the cemetery, resulting in a rather heartwarming moment... which is undermined by the eventual reveal that "Aunt May" was an actress hired by Norman Osborn:
Linkara: Because we can't have nice things for Christmas. [beat] Although, Willie Lumpkin can; apparently, in a Deadpool storyline, he became immortal.
The final story, "Merry Christmas, Mister Storm", begins with Johnny Storm, the Human Torch, waiting for Spidey atop the Statue of Liberty:
Johnny: [thinking] It's not like him to be this late. Aah, probably just overslept.
Linkara: As such, he uses his flames to signal him in the sky.
Johnny: [thinking] Well, this ought to wake him up!
Linkara: ...Yeah, it also woke up a few birds who were flying south for the winter... and then cooked them.
- This causes Johnny to think back to last year, when he was the one who was late for their meeting:
  Spider-Man (Peter Parker): Here I am, freezing my webs off for half an hour, and you're in a warm bed, dreaming of sugar plums.
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] And this is comic book time, so who knows how long I've actually been up here? It could've been months!
  - Johnny apologizes, saying the last year has been rough for him:
    Johnny: I got arrested, my wife turned out to be a Skrull, she died, she came back and tried to kill me... ...she was pregnant, she wasn't pregnant, I nearly burned a major university to the ground... ...my brother-in-law died, my sister's turning into a psycho... ...Oh yeah, and the woman I thought I married is in love with my best friend.
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] So... Is she a Skrull and pregnant, too?
    Linkara: [as Johnny] Uggghhh... Yeah.
Back in the present day, Ben arrives and talks with Johnny about how he is a clone and not the original Spider-Man:
Johnny: It's kind of a surprise, though... Is he still at the same phone number?
Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): No, he left town with his wife. I don't think they're settled yet.
Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Hey Johnny, I'll always be there for you if you need a friend... but not in a year from now, because I'm probably going to move away and not tell you. Man, we really need cell phones to be a bigger thing already!
Johnny: You know, you're gonna have some rough times, too.
Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): Tell me about it.
Johnny: [gives Spidey a contact card] Here. In case you need to talk.
Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): I... Thanks.
Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Wait, this is just a 10% off coupon for the Baxter Building's gift shop. [beat] And it's expired!
The post-credits stinger:
Venom: Not to mention the fact that to find you, we had to endure an afternoon of begging for donations.
Linkara: Which unfortunately resulted in all that money getting stolen when he ran away from his kettle.

674: The Adventures of Chrissie Claus #1

Linkara starts the episode with an introduction to Heroic Publishing, which began life by printing comics related to the Champions tabletop game before somewhat inevitably drifting towards pinup-focused fare:
Linkara: You know it's Christmas because we're talking about potential porn!
Linkara talks about the woman next to Chrissie on the cover, Flare, who has a history of artists trying to reveal as much skin as possible in as suggestive a pose as possible, with one cover showing her bent over and jutting out her rear:
Tagline: Comics Are Not Just for Kids Any More!
Linkara: Yeah, they're also for people who like bizarre poses and costume wedgies.
The first story of the comic, "Trouble in Toyland", begins in the North Pole:
Captions: A lot of people think Santa's workshop is at the North Pole.
Linkara: [as the captions] No, he dumped that work to overseas sweatshops ages ago.
Captions: It's actually just north of the North Pole. And that, as you might suppose, makes it very difficult to find.
Linkara: Yeah, we can tell, based on where the sleigh is in relation to things.
Tom Servo: Uh-oh; Santa got drunk and delivered all the gifts to the Moon again!
- Chrissie arrives in her sleigh, which appears to be piloted by two reindeer suffering from jaundice:
  Chrissie: Down, Spark! Down, Sprite! We're finally home!
  Spark: And whose fault is that?
  Sprite: Lighten up, Spark! Give the kid a break.
  Linkara: [as Spark] How's that boot taste, Sprite? This is why the other reindeer unionized!
Chrissie meets with her grandfather, Santa Claus, and gives him a sack full of lumber:
Chrissie: Here you go, Grampie! Lumber direct from the Black Forest in Germany! And you wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get it!
Linkara: [as Chrissie] I gored so many people on Sprite and Spark's antlers!
- Chrissie, however, reluctantly reports that she couldn't find a particular perfume for Mrs. Claus, since they stopped producing it about 50 years ago:
  Santa: Well, let no one say that Santa Claus can't come up with a gift for his own wife!
  Linkara: [as Santa] I've got me some erotic underwear I've been saving for this occasion!
While Santa tries to find a replacement present, Chrissie takes over managing the toy factory, whose workforce is comprised of not only elves, but gnomes, brownies, and pixies; after a prank by the pixies causes a full-scale brawl between the other workers, Chrissie enlists the reindeer to restrain them with nets:
Linkara: Nothing says "Christmas" quite like tying up your employees!
- Chrissie decides to deal with the problem by forcing the creatures to trade jobs, eventually causing them to request their old jobs back:
  Linkara: Basically, what I'm hearing here is that the working conditions in all the departments suck; someone get the antiwork Reddit on this place!
In the second story, "You'd Better Watch Out", Chrissie decides to deliver some presents to some naughty children on Christmas Eve, but is accidentally sent a list of naughty adults, which includes the creators of this comic, real-world villains like Saddam Hussein and Leona Helmsley, and some... questionable entries such as David Lynch...
Linkara: I see someone wasn't a fan of Twin Peaks.
- ...and Madonna:
  Linkara: Oh, great; is Chrissie going to compare her to Nancy Reagan, too?
After falling prey to a particularly mischievous couple of kids named Dougie and Katie, Chrissie delivers her presents and prepares to leave, but the kids ask her a favor:
Katie: Our daddy won't be here for Christmas. He's in Amsterdam.
Dougie: But we got presents for him. Could you take them to him, please?
Linkara: [as Dougie] Oh, and while you're in Amsterdam, could you score us some weed? We'll pay you back.
- After the kids sneak into Chrissie's bag of toys, she decides to transport them to their father, sprinkling pixie dust on him to allow them to talk to him in his sleep and say how they'll try to be good for a while:
  Dougie: We'll never be good for a whole year! How about until April fifteenth?
  Linkara: [as Dougie] Sorry, Chrissie, but we regularly cheat on our taxes.
After learning that Dougie and Katie got Christmas presents last year despite being on the naughty list, Chrissie asks Santa why he did so, and he replies that he never once met a child in the past 100 years who didn't change their ways and become good:
Linkara: I think Michael Myers after he killed his sister might have something to say about that...
- The story (and comic) ends with Santa revealing that he knows about Chrissie giving presents to naughty children, and that he approves of both the reduction in his workload and her commitment to ensuring that everyone, naughty or nice, has a happy Christmas:
  Santa: That's the Christmas spirit, little Chrissie Claus. And that's part of what makes you a very, very good little girl!
  Linkara: [as Santa] Now, let's go and visit that delightful Spiro Agnew!

675: Christmas Quickies #1

You know how the holiday theme song proclaims "Only one Dickens homage away from going chestnuts"? Well, since the first comic of the bunch is an adaptation of A Christmas Carol, you can probably see where this is going:
Ghost Viga: Linkara! Because you have broken your schedule so much this year, you are now gonna be haunted by three ghosts— [gets shot by Linkara's Magic Gun] OW! What the hell?!
Linkara: We have done, like, FOUR takes on A Christmas Carol by this point! Just go away, or I'm busting out the Pokéballs and the Ghost Traps!
Ghost Viga: Fine, I'll go bother Quinton Reviews; at least he won't shoot me in the titty!
- Afterwards, Linkara laments that reviewers never get the chance to parody It's a Wonderful Life or A Charlie Brown Christmas instead.
It turns out the story of A Christmas Carol in the comic is not only a straight adaptation, but condensed into TEN PAGES:
Linkara: "The spirits did it all in one night!" Of course they did; it takes five minutes to read!
- Linkara reads the narration:
  Caption: It is Christmas Eve in London, 1843! Marley is dead, dead seven long years...
  Linkara: [as the caption] And yet, he still gets car warranties.
  Caption: ...but Scrooge has never painted out old Marley's name, and there it stands above the countinghouse door.
  Linkara: Well, I mean, look at that thing; he removes the name, and it'd just be the word "Scrooge" shoved all the way to the left. It'd look like he started making the sign, and then gave up halfway through.
Inside, Scrooge is visited by his nephew Fred, and goes into one of his classic anti-Christmas rants:
Scrooge: Out upon Merry Christmas! What's Christmas but a time for paying bills without money!
Linkara: You know, I've never related to Ebenezer Scrooge more than at this moment...
- The comic condenses Scrooge's conversation with the charity worker to a single panel and skips over Bob Cratchit requesting the holiday off to jump straight to Scrooge's haunting:
  Caption: After a melancholy dinner at a lonely table where he reads over his bankbook, Scrooge starts to open his door, as, suddenly, the knocker dissolves into a strange glow...
  Linkara: [as Scrooge] Eh, darn it; I overclocked the door knocker again!
  Scrooge: Marley's face! But Marley's dead!
  Linkara: [as Scrooge] If he was alive, this wouldn't be weird at all!
And then Marley's ghost appears two panels later:
Scrooge: Who a-are you?
Marley: Ask rather who I was! In life I was your partner, Jacob Marley!
Linkara: [as Marley] In death I'm a door-to-door chain salesman.
- Marley's ghost explains how the spirit of every man should walk abroad among his fellow men, but he failed to do so until after his death:
  Scrooge: You are chained!
  Marley: I forged this chain of cashboxes, ledgers, bills, deeds and purses in life!
  Linkara: [as Marley] Also, this receipt for some crappy pixel art. Not the art itself, mind you; just the receipt for one. It's gonna go up in value any day now!
  Marley: I thought they were my only business! Mankind was my business — the common welfare, charity, mercy and kindness were my business, too!
  Linkara: [as Marley] I also had an Etsy store on the side.
  Scrooge: B-But we were always alike!
  Linkara: [as Scrooge] I mean, we even got the same haircut and glasses, man! Twinsies!
At one o'clock, the first spirit, the Ghost of Christmas Past, arrives, and floats out Scrooge's window:
Ghost of Christmas Past: I am here for your welfare! Touch my hand and follow me!
Linkara: [as Scrooge] Wait, you're already out the window; I can't reach your hand!
Linkara: [as the Ghost of Christmas Past] Ha! Eat my dust, old man!
- After examining Scrooge's life as a schoolboy, the two are immediately transported to a Christmas party thrown by Scrooge's old boss, Mr. Fezziwig:
  Ghost of Christmas Past: A small matter to make these folks happy! It costs him no more than four pounds!
  Scrooge: But I see now, the cost doesn't matter!
  Linkara: [as Scrooge] I can be a total cheapskate with the office Christmas party!
  Scrooge: Fezziwig has the power to make them happy or unhappy!
  Linkara: [as Scrooge] Fezziwig was like unto a GOD!!
The Ghost of Christmas Present then takes Scrooge to a family dinner at Bob Cratchit's house, where he worries about Tiny Tim's illness:
Scrooge: Spirit, will Tiny Tim live?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I see a vacant seat and a crutch without an owner if this clerk's poverty remains the same!
Linkara: [as the Ghost of Christmas Present] If the poverty gets even worse... well, then that crutch is going to be the next Christmas dinner instead.
- At Fred's place, Scrooge becomes enamored with the games at the party and asks the ghost to give him an extra half-hour, but the way the panel is drawn implies the spirit just up and left him:
  Linkara: [as the Ghost of Christmas Present] Look, I didn't have time to eat before I picked this guy up, and this party has a feast!
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come transports Scrooge to Tiny Tim's funeral, where he expresses his sadness by handling Tiny Tim's crutch:
Scrooge: [thinking] Poor Tiny Tim!
Linkara: [as Bob Cratchit] OH! Emily! The crutch! It's floating in the air on its own! Burn the house down; it's haunted!
The second story, featuring a character named "Li'l Tomboy", begins with Tomboy — yes, that is in fact her name — throwing a football through a wreath her mother is holding and breaking a vase. Linkara wonders if the parents don't believe in disciplining their daughter after breaking something:
Ned Flanders' Mother: We've tried nothin', and we're all out of ideas!
Tomboy overhears her parents talking and tries to ask them about it, only to slip on a rug and knock both of them to the floor after causing them to bonk their heads together:
Tomboy: Sorry folks... but what were ya whisperin' about, huh?
Linkara: [as the father, nursing his head] We were talking about how we don't ground you enough, kid...
After Tomboy reads an article about a burglar named Dan Dapper who's known for employing disguises in his robberies, she sets up traps in anticipation of his arrival; unforunately, she mistakes her father, dressed as Santa Claus, for Dapper:
Linkara: Still a better Home Alone sequel than Home Sweet Home Alone.
Father: [thinking] Heh! Heh! If I know Li'l Tomboy, she's up and watching me right now!
Linkara: [as the father] My daughter watches our fireplace like a hawk! [beat] Wait, did we name her "Li'l Tomboy"?!
For the final story, Linkara introduces Atomic Mouse, whose real name is "Cimota"...
Linkara: Oh, my God, guys... "Nilbog" is Dracula spelled backwards!
- ...who was shrunk by a wizard to the size of an atom...
  Linkara: Look, when you're a wizard, you don't have time to call an exterminator; you've got to deal with the stuff now and as quickly as possible, or the costs just start adding up.
  - ...and later given pills containing U-235 by a scientist named Invento to grant him superpowers:
    Linkara: Now he's radioactive! That can't be good!
Atomic Mouse's story is a riff on the classic poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas", with the subsequent review being done in rhyme:
Captions: T'was the night before Christmas, when all through the house... Not a creature was stirring... except Atomic Mouse.
Linkara: [as the captions] He got into Grinching, stealing presents and gifts, then resold them with markups, doing many more grifts.
Captions: The stockings were hung by the chimney with care... but our friend could smell evil befouling the air...
Linkara: [as the captions] Though, not much he could do, being merely cartoon; based on this square panel, his enemy's the Moon!
The episode ends with Ghost Viga keeping her promise and haunting Quinton Reviews, with him lamenting that it's the third time he's been haunted this week.
Quinton: Well, whatever, let's go, let's go back in time to 2016 and all that, but I swear to God… if one of the ghosts is Johnmas, I'm walking out. I-I'm telling you right now.

676: Still Another 15 Missed Opportunities of AT4W

During the recap of the year, Linkara mentions the time his house was transported to Ohio as a blue border surrounded the state, and people kept asking him why he didn't do anything about it:
Linkara: BECAUSE THERE WAS A BLUE BORDER AROUND EVERYTHING! I couldn't see past it! Besides, I didn't have to do anything; I heard some virgin took care of it.
Linkara continues building on the Cosmic Cube gag from last year:
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: Can it help me move a couch?
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: But does it know why Apple Jacks are called that despite not tasting like apples?!
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: That's great; can it cover my shift tomorrow?
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: Does it know if Soggies will rule?!
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: Can it let DC have a proper cinematic universe?
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: It can do anything!
Linkara: But should it do something?
Linkara: It can do anything!
Linkara: But should it do something?
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: Can it help keep History of Power Rangers in a consistent location?
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: Can it bring back slide-out keyboards? I hate touchscreens.
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: Can it tell me if Man is still alive in the year 2525?
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: [while holding a figurine of a Crewmate] Can it unlock new skins and hats in Among Us?
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: [as Batman] Can it finally help me destroy rock and roll?!
Note: The Cosmic Cube can do anything.
Linkara: [singing] The Cosmic Cube can do anything for love, but it won't do that!
Jumping back to his Youngblood #8 review, Linkara points out how absurdly large the Moon is in one panel:
Linkara: Anyone want to tell me that this fricking Moon is nothing to complain about, and it's just artistic license? Because of how huge it is, I think that license should be revoked!
- He also takes time to fill out the crossword puzzles that pass for windows on the buildings:
  Linkara: Okay, 1-Down is "LAZY", 3-Across is "DOESNTPAYEMPLOYEES", and finally, I think 8-Across is "MISSESDEADLINES". [beat] Wait, no, no, no, that can't be it; after all, how the hell could Rob have been missing deadlines when this is what he produces?!
Linkara points out that the beginning and ending pages of Batman: Odyssey #2 use the EXACT SAME ARTWORK, layouts and all:
Linkara: Batman: Odyssey is a gift that keeps on giving... and we really wish it would stop.
During the event comic Zero Hour: Crisis in Time!, the end of time is shown to have the color of outer space and the stars in it inverted; or, as Linkara puts it:
Linkara: Space is white and time is bendable!
Linkara's review of DC Challenge! #1 introduced another member of Batman's rogues gallery in the form of VHS tapes after he says he prefers Betamax; however, the tape he gives to Alfred is actually... VHS, thanks to the cassette having two spool windows on it versus Betamax's one:
Linkara: [as Batman] So I don't hate VHS?! Have I been angry about the wrong format all these years?! What, is there going to be a comic where I actually love rock and roll?! [shows a panel where Bruce expresses enthusiasm for The Clash] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGHHH!!!!!!! [runs away]
Linkara discusses an ad from one of the Marvel swimsuit issues featuring an extremely deformed Cable with a gigantic zipper on his gun... which is actually a parody of a jeans ad starring not only Rob Liefeld, but also Spike Lee:
Linkara: It's an appropriate combination of Rob Liefeld — who, at the time, was popular for his Marvel stuff — and Spike Lee; after all, as Marville established, Spike Lee is the Kingpin. [beat] Spike Lee is the Kingpin. [beat] Excuse me; I need to go slip into some stock footage. [plays a clip from said review showing Linkara staring out from a balcony]
The post-credits stinger:
Linkara: Or maybe it was a Target employee who took care of the blue border? God, I hope the world we live in gets less weird next year. [a light flashes as Linkara turns into a green Muppet] Huh. Well... Guess I wished for too much. [sighs and walks away]

Funny / Atop the Fourth Wall 2021 Episodes 656 - 676

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Funny / Atop the Fourth Wall 2021 Episodes 656 - 676

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