Funny / Atop The Fourth Wall 2024 Episodes

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752: Still Another 15 Mistakes of AT4W

• Linkara recaps his final year covering manga based on The Ring, including Sadako showing off her sympathetic side, finding humanity at the end of the world, and most importantly, becoming a YouTuber:
  Linkara: Bet we're going to find out that James Somerton plagiarized her somehow, too.
• According to Emerald Twilight, scolding a person who's grieving is a totally acceptable response and will in no way result in them snapping and going on a killing spree:
  Linkara: Then again, maybe the Guardians of the Universe could've tried... you know... doing something instead of just standing there and going, "Quick, keep sending one guy at a time to stop him! We'll wear him down with attrition eventually!"
• Clive Sinclair still hasn't forgiven Linkara for the Robomat incident:
  Linkara: It's not my fault he showed fear and that fear is tasty to them. And yes, you should still buy them, because they're cute!
• After his confusion in Reagan's Raiders #1 regarding the helicopter Reagan is in being called "Air Force One", Linkara learned that that designation applies to any aircraft the President is aboard that's operated by a member of the Air Force, and ditto for "Marine One" when it's piloted by a Marine:
  Linkara: Oh, God; that means now there's potentially a "Space Force One" in the future...
• Linkara admits that his greatest foe isn't Mechakara, Lord Vyce, the Entity, or even ancient Egypt:
  Linkara: I mean, ancient Egypt is trying to destroy all of modern America, not just me; otherwise, I'd be the one with all the mummies and curses placed on him.
• Linkara reminds us of how, in Star Wars Infinities: A New Hope #4, Yoda sent the Justice Star crashing down on top of Emperor Palpatine:
  Linkara: Would love to see Palpatine try to come back from that in their version of Rise of Skywalker!
  • After mixing up the terms "face" and "heel" in said review, Linkara acknowledges that he's not an expert on wrestling, but he does know a guy who is:
    Bone Button: [growling] EMPEROR PALPATIIINE! You get knocked down, but then get right back up again; you do it over, and over, and over. But this Sunday at WrestleMania, BONE BUTTON is gonna put you in the grave, and keep you there, brother! [more growling and flexing]

753: Batman Versus Predator #1

• The story opens on a junkyard owner watching a boxing championship match on TV when his dog begins howling:
  Junkyard Owner: Quiet, Satan!
  Linkara: [as the junkyard owner] Go steal Spider-Man's marriage or something! Geez!
  • A Predator arrives and kills the owner and the dog, sampling a few words from the television as the champion gives an interview:
    Predator: Gratulations champ
    Linkara: This Predator is less about the hunt for living beings and more about the hunt for proper polite etiquette.
• At the fight, Mayor Lieberman and his associates, Raymond Squire of the Squire Corporation and a gangster named Alex Yeager, meet with Bruce Wayne and Commissioner Gordon; Gordon gets on the former three's bad side when he brings up Yeager's criminal dealings:
  Mayor Lieberman: Gordon! I've warned you before about these outbursts!
  Squire: The Squire Corporation does not consort with criminals, Commissioner Gordon!
  Linkara: [as Squire] As a corporation, we commit our own crimes, thank you very much!
  • After Bruce is invited to an afterparty and witnesses a scuffle between Yeager and his rival, Leo Brodin, he heads out to his car where Alfred is waiting:
    Alfred: Home, Master Bruce?
    Bruce: No, the great philanthropist Alex Yeager has invited me to his victory celebration.
    Linkara: [as Batman] It's my night off, Alfred! It's time to get crunk!
    Alfred: Philanthropist, sir? I understood he was some sort of gangster.
    Bruce: He is, Alfred. Gotham's biggest. The view from the top of the pile should be quite illuminating.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Thinking of starting a second career as a gangster, Alfred; it's not a bad idea to diversify my income streams.
• As new boxing champion Marcus King celebrates with his girlfriend Lita in bed, the Predator crashes through his penthouse's skylight as King grabs a lamp to defend himself:
  Linkara: Now, as the premier lamp reviewer, gotta say, that lamp is not good for self-defense.
  • While the Predator crushes King to death in his net, Lita runs to the bathroom to hide:
    Linkara: Convenient; she's right near the toilet so she doesn't piss herself in fear.
• Bruce exits the afterparty after glimpsing the Bat-Signal, then changes into Batman as Alfred informs him about a recent incident at the Plaza Hotel:
  Alfred: I gather our city's leading pugilist was involved. Though the Commissioner is hardly in the habit of lighting the signal for mere fisticuffs...
  Linkara: Let's not be too hasty; if boxing was involved, it's possible Mr. T and his superpowers were part of this.
• Batman arrives at the crime scene as the lead detective explains to Gordon what happened:
  Detective: The killer came in the skylight and forced King upside that wall. Marks on his body look like a net was used.
  Gordon: A net...?
  Linkara: [as Batman] No doubt some kind of fishing-themed supervillain, Commissioner; check the phone book for anyone whose last name is "Fisher", "Rod", "Hook", or "Tacklebox".
  Detective: Cut him to the bone. Then his... his head and spinal column were removed. He died hurting. Hurting a lot.
  Linkara: Yeah, this is why doctors use anesthetic before they remove your head and spinal column.
  • The detective also reveals that King's trophy belt and hands were taken as well:
    Linkara: [as Batman] [snaps] I've got it! King's hands murdered him, thinking that they did all the work, and thus they deserved the belt! This is why I'm the world's greatest detective.
    • As Batman swings off to interrogate Brodin regarding his potential involvement, the Predator watches him from above:
      Linkara: He's not studying Batman or anything; he just dropped his keys during the attack and is really embarrassed about going back down to get them.
• At Brodin's gym, Brodin berates the other boxer, Bull Bersaglio, for losing the match, saying Yeager brought King in from out of state as a means to declare war on him:
  Brodin: He's showin' his muscle, tryin' to make me look small.
  Linkara: I don't know how that could be, dude; M.U.S.C.L.E. figures are pretty small, as it is. [grins]
  • Batman barges in and is forced to fight off Brodin's other boxers; Bull attempts to intervene, but his trainer holds him back:
    Trainer: You're in no shape, Bull. Guy's a pro.
    Linkara: [as Batman, wearing boxing gloves] Walk like a butterfly, sting like a bat! A— Bats sting, right, Alfred? Yeah, bats sting!
    • Batman warns Brodin that Yeager won't stop his war just because his boxer died, and if he wasn't responsible, then someone who hates fighters is:
      Linkara: Some Predators focus on people with military or combat training; this one's like, "Man, I'm gonna take on the real deadliest game: people who punch each other with cushioned gloves!"
• At Wayne Manor, Alfred asks Bruce if he can take down his grandfather's hunting trophies from the study, since they're both hard to dust and not something to be proud of:
  Bruce: Hmm... You're right, Alfred. Clear them out — apart from the gun, that is.
  Linkara: [as Batman] If there's one thing I like decorating my house, it's guns! Man, remember when I used to use guns, Alfred?
  Linkara: [as Young Batman, while recklessly shooting guns] I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
  Linkara: [as Batman] Ahh, God, I'm so good at this, Alfred!
• Batman arrives at the next crime scene and questions Bull's trainer, who mentions that whoever killed Bull stood next to him and spoke the words "open season" in Batman's voice:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Of course... It's Elmer Fudd again.
• In the Batcave, Alfred asks Bruce to explain why he stood still while the killer was targeting him:
  Bruce: After all, the killer could have shot me the previous night — he was close enough to hear my voice. But now I'm certain there's a macabre logic to all this...
  Linkara: [as Batman] He likes bats as much as I do...
  • According to Bruce, the boxers that were killed were first defeated in hand-to-hand combat, the armed guards simply shot, and the blind trainer, an ex-fighter, passed over and then casually picked off:
    Bruce: Our murderer is choosing his prey, acting within some savage code of honor...
    Linkara: [as Batman] Which means I probably can't get him to kill One-Face for me.
    • Bruce asks Alfred to investigate the junkyards in Gotham's East End while he attends the mediation between Yeager and Brodin, since the potential of a violent power struggle could attract the killer:
      Linkara: Because there's no better sport than two guys yelling at each other from across a table.
• The Predator interrupts the meeting and kills Yeager, only to get shot in the chest with a shotgun; as the police rush in to contain the situation, Batman inspects the creature's green blood:
  Batman: The killer was here.
  Linkara: [as Batman] And he's powered by Mountain Dew.
• Batman breaks into Pickett's Salvage to find the owner and his dog's corpses, as well as the remains of the victims and the Predator treating his injuries:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Rod Tacklebox. We meet at last.
  • The Predator takes off his mask, but Batman doesn't seem too fazed:
    Linkara: [as Batman] I have fought crocodile men, trench coat guys who quote Aristotle, deadly bee weapons, and rock and roll; this is pretty grounded, all things considered.
    • After a quick fight between the two, the issue ends with the Predator standing victorious over Batman's bloodied and beaten body:
      Predator: Son of a
      Linkara: [as the Predator] This guy doesn't have a title belt! What a ripoff!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Alfred: Sir, if I may say so... These things of your grandfather's... ...Can one really be proud of such mementos these days?
  Linkara: [as Batman] You're right, Alfred; I should be cutting off the heads of my enemies to mount there instead! Good idea!

754: PATREON: Ben 10 Episodes 1x01, 09, 13

• The first episode is titled "And Then There Were 10":
  Linkara: Ten doughnuts for eleven people; let's settle this with a deathmatch.
• The series opens with two alien ships chasing each other, one of them captained by the villain of the series, Vilgax:
  Vilgax: The Omnitrix shall be mine! There is not a being in the galaxy that dares stand in my way!
  Linkara: Poor fool doesn't realize that it is the Tickle Me Elmo of Christmas gifts this year.
• We're introduced to the protagonist, Ben Tennyson, by seeing a paper airplane he made fly right into his teacher's head:
  Chris Knight: Would you classify that as a launch problem or a design problem?
  • After school gets let out for the summer, the teacher asks Ben to stay behind so she can talk about the paper airplane:
    Linkara: [as the teacher] Dammit, Ben! If you paid attention in class, you'd know that there are better designs for paper airplanes that are more aerodynamically sound!
• Elsewhere, some bullies tell a kid that normally, they'd beat him up and take his money, but since it's summer, they're operating a little differently:
  Bully: We're gonna give you a break. Now, fork over the cash.
  Linkara: It's a tough economy, but fair.
• Ben is picked up by his grandfather, Max, to go on a summer camping trip; after being irritated that his cousin Gwen is tagging along, too, she retorts that she had her own plans for the break:
  Gwen: [pulling out a schedule] Each activity is color-coded so I never do the same thing two days in a row.
  Linkara: [as Ben] Wait, that just says "play video games", but in different colors.
  Linkara: [as Gwen] Yeah, different games for each color!
• The trio arrive at the campground and start setting everything up:
  Max: Chow time. [puts down a bowl of worms]
  Linkara: Ben, I think your grandpa's one of the bluegill parasites from Star Trek. [beat] Either that, or a Klingon serving gagh.
  Second Officer Klag: Gagh is always best when served live.
  • Ben and Gwen ask if they can eat something else, but Max says this trip will be an adventure for their taste buds:
    Linkara: Yes, the taste of gagging will be quite a novel experience.
• While walking in the woods, Ben sees something fall from the sky:
  Ben: Whoa, a shooting star! [sees the object adjust its trajectory]
  Linkara: [as Ben] Whoa, a Sniper shooting star!
  • Ben goes up to the wreckage and sees a strange bracelet-like device:
    Ben: A watch?
    R.J. Fletcher: I thought I told you I wanted a Rolex! A Rolex!
• As Ben accidentally has the Omnitrix latch onto his arm, Max starts to feel concerned for his safety:
  Max: Ben's been gone a while...
  Linkara: [as Max] Wonder if letting the 10-year-old wander off into the dark woods alone was a bad idea...
• Ben tests out the Omnitrix, instantly transforming into a fire alien, much to his shock:
  Ben: I'm on fire! I'M ON FIRE!!
  Announcer: He's on fire!
  Ben: Hey... I'm on fire, and... I'm okay!
  Linkara: [as Ben] And I'm voiced by Steve Blum now!
• Max and Gwen see the forest fire Ben accidentally caused and rush in to save him; Gwen eventually finds Ben, still transformed, and can only stare in stunned silence as he tries to explain what happened:
  Ben: And when I tried to get it off, I suddenly was on fire, only it didn't hurt when I was accidentally starting this mega-forest fire.
  Linkara: [as Ben] Also, there's a raging fire around us, and you are somehow not choking to death from smoke inhalation; what's that about?
  • After Max catches up to them and is brought up to speed, he hatches a plan to stop the fire:
    Max: Backfire. Start a new fire, and let it burn into the old fire.
    Crow T. Robot: Sounds like a really crappy plan, but okay.
• Gwen wonders if Ben will be stuck as a fire monster forever:
  Max: He's not a monster. He's an alien. I-I mean... look at him. What else could he be?
  Linkara: [shrugs] Fire elemental? Mystical H-Dial? A really extreme advertising mascot for a matchstick company?
  • Max finds the wrecked capsule after it was destroyed by a robot sent by Vilgax:
    Max: I don't like this one little bit...
    Linkara: [as Max] I don't think their insurance is going to cover this...
• After Ben and Gwen destroy the robot's probes, one of them catches fire:
  Linkara: We're only on the first episode, and these kids have started multiple forest fires; there isn't going to be a single living tree left by the last sequel series, is there?
• Ben figures out how the Omnitrix works, but doesn't know how to stay in any of his alternate forms for longer than a few minutes; Max says that he'll need to solve that problem if he wants to keep using it:
  Linkara: Grandparents: always spoiling their grandkids beyond what their own kids get away with.
• In episode 9, "Last Laugh", Ben chases after some criminals while morphed into an anglerfish-looking alien, until one of them knocks over a hot dog cart, causing its gas tank to leak and a frayed wire to spark a fire:
  Linkara: Ben 10: the story of how the world was engulfed in flames.
  • Despite momentarily losing oxygen from the flames, Ben recovers and knocks out the criminals, leaving them to get arrested:
    Policeman: I don't care what anybody says; you circus freaks are okay by me.
    Linkara: [as the policeman] Just please, stop working for the Joker! I— Wait... Is that why this episode is called "Last Laugh"?
• Despite Ben's objections, Gwen and Max force him to visit a traveling circus, and his concerns aren't alleviated by the posters of creepily-drawn clowns everywhere:
  Linkara: Fortunately, we have an appropriate counter-representation to evil clowns with my good friend, Boffo the Clown.
  Boffo: [waves]
  Linkara: You know, at some point, we really need to think of a better joke for you than just... being casual and doing my taxes.
  Boffo: [honks horn]
  Linkara: Okay, the jukebox incident was, like, nine years ago; move on to a new thing!
• The circus's ringmaster introduces the crowd to his freak show, consisting of a strongman, a woman with prehensile hair, and a man with acid breath:
  Linkara: Soon to be moving up to Cirque du Soleil next year.
  • Ben sneaks off and sees a clown in the dressing room:
    Clown: You're gonna knock 'em dead. [waggles his tongue]
    Linkara: Hey, how'd they record how I warm up to do this show?
• The ringmaster brings out the clown Ben saw earlier, Zombozo, and while the crowd laughs, Ben can do nothing but stare in horror:
  Linkara: Hahahahaha! It's so funny, how you stand there!
  • Zombozo performs a trick where his clown car drives into his red cape, where it turns into confetti, causing the crowd to laugh even harder:
    Linkara: Haha! CARS TRANSMOGRIFYING IS HILARIOUS!
• After a brief fight with the circus freaks goes badly for Ben, he finds Max still laughing while looking exhausted; after Ben sees that Gwen is gone, we learn that she, along with several other people, has been taken hostage by Zombozo as a "snack for the road", all the while still laughing:
  Linkara: Turns out the circus just makes everyone incredibly high on weed.
• While Ben and Max chase after the circus, Ben tells Max about his fear of clowns and how he thinks this makes him a loser:
  Max: Everybody's got their own crazy fear, Ben.
  Linkara: [as Max] Me, it's White Castle chicken rings. Why are they shaped like rings, Ben? Why are they shaped like rings?!
  • After Max passes out from exhaustion, he rambles how, during the show, Zombozo appeared to drain people's souls (or rather, the representation of their happiness) through their laughter:
    Linkara: The two emotional states of humanity: "happy" or "tired".
    Ben: And he's got Gwen!
    Linkara: ...Yeah. We knew that already. [beat] What?
• During Ben's pursuit of Zombozo, he enters a hall of mirrors, where the clown attempts to play mind games with him:
  Zombozo: Hey, Mr. Serious. How about a... smile?
  Linkara: [as Ben] Okay, I'm imagining that I'm impaling you with my crystal form; that makes me smile!
  • While hallucinating, Ben appears to fall into a large spider web, with Zombozo turned into a spider:
    Zombozo: Come on, kid! You've gotta learn to loosen up!
    Linkara: Yeah, we'll see who gets loosened up when Pennywise files a lawsuit against you, dude.
• Back in the real world, Ben asks Zombozo what he wants:
  Zombozo: What every clown worth his floppy shoes wants: to make people laugh! Then drain their positive energy.
  Linkara: Boffo, is that what all clowns want?
  Boffo: [ponders, then honks horn]
  Linkara: I see... The clown is more a reflection of humanity itself. It's desire for joy and creativity, personal expression and modifying our appearance to be what we want, while simultaneously recognizing that we should be able to laugh at ourselves. That there's a bit of buffoonery in us all, and we're oftentimes silly, both when we're alone, or when we're with our fellows whom we love to see smile. [sighs] There is wisdom in a clown...
  Boffo: [honks horn]
  Linkara: Yeah, yeah, I know I still have to file my 1099; I've got a few months!
• Ben conquers his fear by transforming into a ghost alien, punching Zombozo into his joy-sucking machine and destroying it, causing the audience members' happiness to be returned to them:
  Ben: You wanna see something really scary? [opens his chest to reveal a bunch of tentacles]
  Linkara: [as Zombozo] Oh, God! It's Rudy Giuliani wearing nothing but a thong! It's in my head! It's in my head!
• The Season 1 finale is titled "Secrets":
  Linkara: That summer schedule that Gwen came up with has a sinister true purpose.
• Vilgax's ship intercepts a news report featuring Ben as Vilgax himself steps out of his healing chamber with some upgrades:
  Linkara: Some people, when they stay in liquid for too long, get wrinkly skin; this dude gets an exoskeleton.
• Meanwhile, Ben awakes with a start, causing Max to check in on him:
  Max: Another nightmare, Ben?
  Linkara: [as Ben] I dreamed that there were opening credits this time!
  • After Ben describes his nightmares to Max, Max decides to immediately start driving, never mind that it's only 3:00 in the morning:
    Max: Best way to beat the traffic.
    Linkara: [as Max] Plus, I want to grab some McDonald's breakfast. God, I miss when they used to do all-day breakfast...
• Back in space, Vilgax continues to track the Omnitrix's whereabouts:
  Vilgax: No matter. I know just how to draw this earthling out. [smashes a monitor]
  Linkara: Good job, dude; it took them, like, twelve episodes to fix the ship, and here you are breaking it again!
• On their way to Mount Rushmore, the trio see a group of aliens attacking a nearby city:
  Max: I'm sure the local authorities have the situation well in hand.
  Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy.
  Linkara: Weird how I keep getting opportunities to use that clip lately...
  • While Ben helps push the aliens back, the alien from Ben's nightmares reveals himself, as well as his name, Vilgax:
    Linkara: You know, they make a cream for that now.
• Max arrives and picks Ben up, telling him he does not want to pick a fight with Vilgax, but Ben catches onto something:
  Ben: How do you know his name is Vilgax?
  Gwen: Grandpa, what aren't you telling us?
  Linkara: [as Max] Look, we used to date for a while, okay? I was young, he was exciting, but it was not a good fit.
  • They're suddenly attacked by robot drones:
    Max: Things are going to get a whole lot worse if we don't get to Mount Rushmore.
    Linkara: [as Max] With all the destruction, rush hour traffic's going to be terrible, and I want to get there at a good time.
• With Ben taken prisoner, Max takes Gwen to a secret underground base, pulling out a large energy cannon and telling Gwen that he wasn't exactly an average plumber before he retired:
  Linkara: Ah, he was the third Mario Brother.
  • Furthermore, Max's RV is loaded with advanced technology, including a holographic display capable of tracking the Omnitrix:
    Linkara: And yet, still only one cup holder.
• Max drives the RV into Vilgax's ship, ramming into the alien before he can slice off Ben's arm:
  Linkara: One can only hope that there will be a mission like this in GTA VI.
  • Ben tackles Vilgax off his ship and onto Mount Rushmore, their fight destroying Roosevelt's head in the process:
    Linkara: Man, THE MONUMENT MYTHOS got really weird after Season 2.
• The season ends with Ben rescuing both Gwen and Max, then telling his grandfather that they need to talk:
  Linkara: [as Ben] But we'll do it next season as a hook to get people to come back.

755: PATREON: Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger Episodes 14, 22-24

• Episode 14 opens with the Gokaigers napping on their ship's bridge:
  Linkara: As I grow older, never have I related more to these characters.
  • After Navi wakes up from a dream involving race cars, she tells the team what they should do next:
    Navi: You lot should mind the traffic laws...
    Linkara: Ah, so next, we're doing a jaywalking-themed Sentai. Don't worry, Navi; I know, thanks to Gamera movies, how important that is for a better world.
    Akio: It may be very civilized up there, more than we are here on Earth, with no wars or traffic accidents.
    Joe: You're telling pirates to mind the traffic laws?
    Linkara: Oh yeah, pirate queen Zheng Yi Sao was infamous for stopping at red lights.
• Aboard the Zangyack flagship, Warz Gill is informed of how one of his monsters was berated for crossing a red light by a random human:
  Linkara: You know your invasion is going badly when random citizens are able to shame your forces for not using the crosswalk. At this point, screw the pirates; you guys are the alien invaders all the other galactic empires make fun of.
• This episode is titled "It's Still Time for Traffic Safety":
  Linkara: It's nice when the episode title of your superhero show can double as the title of a 50's educational short.
• The man who called out the monster is next seen teaching some kids about how traffic lights work, only for them to vanish when he isn't looking:
  Man: Maybe I should put together a group...
  Linkara: "Traffic Sentai Crossguardger".
• The Gokaigers come across the man being attacked by Zangyack soldiers and their commander, Zealousto, and fight them off in the Zyuranger uniforms:
  Man: Excellent!
  Linkara: [as the man] Now, if only they did that to anyone who ran a red light...
  Zealousto: No more violence! If you don't stop being violent... I'll have to get violent with you!
  Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
• The man reveals himself to the Gokaigers as Kyousuke Jinnai, leader of the Carrangers, who has been working as an actor since losing his powers in the Legendary War:
  Linkara: The Fast and the Furious movies are about to get even more ridiculous and amazing!
  • Jinnai says he will reveal the true power of the Carrangers if the Gokaigers form an acting troupe with him:
    Linkara: [as Jinnai] I used to be part of one already with this girl named Sadako Yamamura, but, uh... Well, let's just say it was a good thing that I got sick on opening night and stayed home...
    Jinnai: I want to teach children about traffic safety, through theater!
    Linkara: [as Jinnai] I need you to play the people who get run over!
• Back with the Zangyack, we learn Jinnai was attacked because Insarn has fallen in love with him:
  Zealousto: She was using me to meet that man—!
  Linkara: Well, you could probably report her dancing when she should be running the ship... At least, I presume that's what she was doing; did everyone else go home for the day?
• After Jinnai catches up to Doc to convince him to form a troupe with him, they are attacked by Zealousto once again, but banter leads the two Rangers to simply sit down and do nothing:
  Zealousto: Why are you so relaxed!?
  Linkara: Well, have you seen the Zangyack's track record so far today? I'm pretty sure Doc could just go and push you the hell over, at this rate.
  • Insarn beams down to defend her crush by picking Jinnai up and flailing him around like a mannequin to dodge Zealousto's fireballs:
    Linkara: Classic love triangle situation...
• The other Gokaigers look on in confusion:
  Marvelous: What the fudge?
  Jinnai: [while being spun] I-I'm getting dizzy!
  Ahim: I'm afraid I'm wholly confounded...
  Linkara: I love how the plot really has nothing to do with them, and they should just consider going to lunch.
  • Insarn implores the Gokaigers to protect Jinnai, but when they suit up...
    Gokai Red: Let's make a... [sees everyone else has disappeared] ...or not?
    Gokaigers: Huh?
    Linkara: Oh... I guess they went on their lunch break during the morphing sequence.
• Jinnai rejects Insarn's advances, leading her to climb on top of him and try to kiss him by force:
  Jinnai: I understand. But on Earth, the man takes initiative.
  Linkara: Maybe where you're from; here, we roll for it.
• The other Zangyack leaders watch the fight in bafflement, with Warz Gill looking to end things by making Zealousto grow giant-sized:
  Linkara: [in a Groucho Marx impression] That's funny; I thought that's what was already happening in his pants.
  • After Zealousto and Insarn begin to argue with each other, Jinnai decides enough is enough and tells them off:
    Jinnai: You dope! Love isn't just about yelling!
    Linkara: It's true; I've learned the hard way that women don't like it when you scream about Marville on dates. [beat] Well, most of them, anyway; for one, that was a turn-on.
• Inspired by Jinnai's words, Zealousto gets down on one knee and declares his love to Insarn, who returns the gesture:
  Linkara: There's your proper relationship advice for the day: you and your partner need to be open and honest about your feelings. [beat] And in this case, one of them is horny for someone else; this is a weird episode, okay?
  Zealousto: I love you!
  Insarn: I love you!
  Abridged Trunks: What am I watching?
  Abridged Vegeta: I don't know, but I hate it.
  • Zealousto celebrates by attempting to crush the Gokaigers:
    Linkara: Joy about love means crushing ants underfoot.
• After Zealousto is defeated and sent back to the Zangyack ship, Insarn further rubs salt in the wound by dumping him:
  Linkara: After that, Zealousto would start joining incel forums.
• Episode 22, "A Falling Promise", begins with Gai revealing to the team his finished Super Sentai Encyclopedia:
  Linkara: Wait, if this is for Super Sentai, why is there an entire section on Spider-Man? And what the hell is a "Leopardon"?!
  • Gai implores the Gokaigers to read up on the different Sentai teams to ensure they don't get confused about which team they change into, and while Doc, Luka, and Ahim are impressed, Joe leaves to go shopping:
    Linkara: Grocery shopping and the Encyclopedia Sentai-ica; we're in for a wild ride on this one!
• Gai asks Joe what his favorite things about Earth are:
  Joe: I'm not sure.
  Linkara: Digital watches, amateur traffic safety videos; there's a lot to love.
  • After seeing a kid get chased down by some Zangyack soldiers, who had just robbed a nearby temple, Gai and Joe decide to morph into the "Dinosaur Sentai", but while Gai chooses the Dragon Ranger, Joe picks AbareBlue:
    "Dragon Ranger": No! That's the Dinoblast Sentai!
    "AbareBlue": Close enough!
    Linkara: [as Gai] Goddammit, Joe! We get a +4 to our attack stat when we're from the same group!
    "Dragon Ranger": You really need to read my Encyclopedia!
    Linkara: Dude, you gave it to him, like, ten minutes ago. And even then, he's going to be mad you didn't include a CD with Bandora's dance party album for the Zyuranger section!
• Gai and Joe check up on the kid, who was trying to bike over to Mount Kamikura to watch a meteor shower with his friend Daigo; after patching him up and sending him on his way, however, they begin to doubt whether he'll make it in time:
  Joe: I like those kinds of idiots.
  Linkara: [as Joe] Unfortunately, those types of idiots tend to be into crypto.
• Gai and Joe review the footage from their fight and discover a peculiar stone fragment, which a Zangyack soldier described as a piece of the "Power Stone":
  Linkara: [holding up a Robomat part] Kinda looks like a Robomat tail. Poor dopes don't know they can buy the whole Robomat via my Storenvy, and yes, I will continue to shamelessly shill my store; why do you ask? Custom colors now available!
  • Said fragment is actually part of a pair of magical stones, the Ghostly Stone and the Child's Stone, and legend says that if the stones were to ever reunite, the world would end:
    Linkara: So, probably best not to turn them into castanets.
• On Mount Kamikura, the Zangyack commander Stargull finds the other stone and, not knowing of the prophecy, puts the two stones together and is flooded with energy:
  Stargull: This energy burns my very soul!
  Linkara: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside of you.
• The Gokaigers travel to the mountain and encounter Stargull, who uses his new powers to grab a meteor from space:
  Stargull: Now, I shall control the meteoroid and send it crashing down to Earth!
  Linkara: Dude, thanks, but we didn't need you to supply the meteor for the shower.
  • After reasoning that all they need to do is defeat Stargull to make him lose control of the meteor, the Gokaigers morph and go through their roll call:
    Gokai Red: Gokai Red.
    Gokai Blue: Gokai Blue.
    Gokai Yellow: Gokai Yellow.
    Linkara: [holding up a pocket watch] Tick tock, guys! I think you can skip the roll call before the rock falls and everyone dies!
• After the Gokaigers save the day, the boy reunites with Daigo:
  Daigo: [as orange text scrolls across the bottom of the screen] You really biked all the way here!?
  Linkara: [as the boy] Well, the scrolling text on the bottom of the screen helped push me along.
  • The Gokaigers look on as the boys play soccer:
    Gai: Being part of a Super Sentai isn't just about saving lives... ...it's about keeping people's dreams alive.
    Linkara: The dream of piloting a giant robot and being launched at an asteroid that you have to drill through. Yeah, this is all heartwarming and stuff, until you remember that that kid has to bike back to Tokyo now.
• The 23rd episode is titled "Human Lives Are the Earth's Future":
  Linkara: Criswell Predicts!
• After Ahim cuts her finger, Luka tends to her wound, leading the other Gokaigers to remark how Luka is the team's "big sister" figure, especially to Ahim:
  Doc: Now that you mention it, since Ahim first came aboard she's been the one who looked after her the most.
  Linkara: How fortuitous that this episode is coming out right before Valentine's Day!
  • Marvelous has Navi come up with a new prediction, leading to her bumping her head on the ceiling yet again:
    Navi: Coming to the aid of others will lead to new meetings... Or something like that.
    Linkara: Poor thing has injured itself so much that it's tapped into a fortune cookie printer instead.
• Ahim and Luka help out a pregnant woman who's about to give birth, only for Zangyack foot soldiers to arrive just as a taxi to the hospital drives up:
  Linkara: Yeah, one of the parts they don't tell you about pregnancy in health classes is when the aliens try to steal your baby.
• Ahim and Luka learn that the woman who called the taxi for them is none other than Tatsumi Matsuri, better known as GoPink, and while trying to defend her from the Zangyack, their old rival Basco shows up, saying he's borrowed some foot soldiers for this job:
  Linkara: Thought you couldn't gain something without giving something up, dude. Or do the Zangyack have a rental service for these guys that you paid for?
• As Tatsumi seemingly surrenders to Basco, he pulls out his trumpet to steal her power only to find that it doesn't work, leaving "Tatsumi" to reveal herself as Ahim in disguise:
  Basco: How'd you manage that?
  Gokai Yellow: Magic, duh!
  Linkara: It's magic; she doesn't have to explain it!
• The final episode in this review is titled "Foolish Earthlings":
  Linkara: In today's episode, the Gokaigers fight Invader Zim.
• We find Zealousto having been kicked out of the Zangyack Empire and living on a pile of garbage; when he smells some takoyaki on a stand nearby, the owner offers to give him some takoyaki for free on one condition:
  Owner: How about you become my pet?
  Lt. Frank Drebin: ...Well.
  Linkara: Also, here's a weird thing. I mean, a different weird thing from the weird thing that just happened.
• While another commander, Senden, presents his plans to conquer Earth, Warz Gill grows bored and falls asleep:
  Linkara: Although, maybe he couldn't follow it because of all the orange text under the fan subs.
• The Gokaigers go to the takoyaki stand Gai recommended, only to find the owner training Zealousto like a dog and giving him belly rubs:
  Title Card: Tonight's Episode: The Writer's Barely-Disguised Fetish
  • The other Gokaigers decide they want nothing to do with Zealousto anymore and try to leave, but Gai interrupts:
    Gai: Let's just keep watching for a bit, at least.
    Linkara: We're learning a lot about everybody's kinks today, and I don't think that's a good thing.
• As Senden spreads pro-Zangyack propaganda, he finds Zealousto and berates him for letting himself be treated like a lowly pet:
  Gai: [as the other Gokaigers do nothing] Guys... this is... bad?
  Linkara: I love how both Zealousto episodes are just the Gokaigers scratching their heads and going, "Do we even need to be here?"
• The Gokaigers and Zealousto visit the stand owner's mother, who refuses to let Zealousto apprentice under the owner on account of him being an alien; after Senden and some foot soldiers ambush the group, Marvelous tells them to sit down and shut up, since there are more important things to discuss:
  Senden: ...fine. All hands, fall back! [he and the foot soldiers sit down]
  Linkara: So... do you think this episode's going to make it into Gai's encyclopedia?
• After Zealousto leaps into the path of a laser beam meant for the mother, she mourns the apparent loss of her protector and how shortsighted she's been... for all of five seconds:
  Zealousto: I'm still alive. [sits back up as the mother screams] It would've been pretty dramatic if I'd died, though.
  Linkara: That's not from Zealousto; that's the suit actor giving notes to the director.
• The episode ends with the Gokaigers learning that Zealousto eloped with the stand owner's mother and opened up a hot springs resort together:
  Linkara: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE NOTICED, BUT THIS IS KIND OF A GOOFY EPISODE!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: Someone in a nearby office building is looking out at this giant monster on one knee declaring his love for someone on the ground and thinking, "You know, this is weird even for this country."

756: Marvel Super Special #16: "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back"

• According to the banners on the covers of the reprints, the comic could be worth $2,500 to those who own it:
  Linkara: I checked eBay; you might want to scratch off a couple of zeroes from that, and you'll be closer.
• Above a splash page is a synopsis of the Star Wars saga up to that point:
  Captions: Long ago in a galaxy far, far away... there exists a state of cosmic civil war.
  Linkara: [as the captions] And yet, the Space Super Bowl goes on.
  Captions: A brave alliance of underground freedom fighters has challenged the tyranny and oppression of the awesome Galactic Empire. This is their story!
  Linkara: [as the captions] Unfortunately, their story is being deleted without ever being released for the sake of a tax write-off.
• The adaptation begins with... the ugliest color palette Linkara has ever seen:
  Linkara: We truly open with a— GAAHH, MY EYES!!! Augh! Who knew you could get snow blind from a comic book?! Who decided they should have white text on blue?!
  • After switching to the digitally recolored version of the page, Linkara reads the opening crawl:
    Crawl: After the destruction of its most feared battle station, the Empire has declared martial law throughout the galaxy.
    Linkara: [as the crawl] The New York Times opinion page declares it a logical, fair-minded move against the terrorists that destroyed a job creator.
    Crawl: A thousand worlds have felt the oppressive hand of the Emperor as he attempts to crush the growing Rebellion.
    Linkara: [as the crawl] The Emperor says it's just a cosmic stress ball.
    Crawl: As the Imperial grip of tyranny tightens, Princess Leia and the small band of freedom fighters search for a more secure base of operations...
    Linkara: [as the crawl] Luke, meanwhile, tries to figure out where the hell he parked.
• On the ice planet of Hoth, Luke is on patrol investigating what appears to be a meteorite striking the surface, until he is attacked by a wampa; according to Linkara, this scene was written to explain some facial injuries Mark Hamill received before the movie was filmed... and which The Star Wars Holiday Special tried and failed to cover with makeup:
  Luke: Come on, Malla; let's see a little smile. [shows the wampa roaring] There, that's better. [shows the wampa clawing at Luke]
  • It is revealed that the "meteorite" is actually an Imperial probe droid, which begins scouting the area for signs of Rebel activity:
    Linkara: You know, it is kind of weird that with how big a planet is that the droid managed to land, like, ten minutes away from the Rebel base; if this is the will of the Force or something, the Force is an asshole.
• Inside of Echo Base, Han returns from his patrol and checks in with Chewbacca, who is currently repairing the Millennium Falcon:
  Han: Hey, Chewie! How's it coming with the Falcon's lifters? The sooner they're fixed... the sooner we're out of here.
  Chewbacca: Raarrghhh!
  Han: All right, all right! I'll go report... then give you a hand!
  Linkara: Take a look at that face on Chewbacca; that is the face that says, "Oh, God, just bring me some coffee and let me work in peace; don't try to help."
  • Han runs into a Rebel major who laments that he has to leave so soon:
    Han: If I don't pay off Jabba the Hut (sic)... I'm a walking dead man.
    Linkara: [as Han] I got out of that series after Season 3.
• Han meets with Princess Leia and says his goodbyes, only to angrily storm off when she doesn't make a big deal of it:
  Leia: But... you're a natural leader. We still need you.
  Linkara: Han Solo: natural leader. [shows Han running after some stormtroopers on the Death Star]
  Han: No, Your Worship. That's not why you came after me. I think you were afraid I was leaving you without even a kiss.
  Leia: What? I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee!
  Linkara: I could see that, too; she seemed super into Life Day during the Holiday Special. [beat] Well, either that or the cocaine.
  Han: There's no accounting for taste. Believe me, you could use a good kiss. You've been so busy giving orders, you've forgotten how to be a woman.
  Linkara: And you've been so busy being a douchebag, you've forgotten how to not be sexist.
• Luke awakens upside-down inside the wampa's cave and tries reaching for his lightsaber; this scene is significant because it illustrates the first live-action depiction of how the Force gives people telekinesis:
  Linkara: In the comics, we knew that already, because Darth Vader really likes coffee at the morning meetings.
  • Luke suddenly hears a faint voice in his head:
    Voice: Luke, you must relax... Think the saber into your hand. Let the Force flow, Luke.
    Linkara: [as the voice] Flow like the blood rushing to your head that's making you hallucinate my voice, Luke.
• At Echo Base, Threepio informs Han that Luke never returned, and night is about to fall; after an officer tells him that something attacked one of the tauntauns and the snowspeeders won't be ready until the next morning, Han decides to ride out on his own to rescue Luke:
  Rebel Officer: Solo, the temperature is falling too rapidly. The night storms will start before any of you reach the first marker.
  Han: Then I'll see you in Hell.
  Mike Nelson: You and your stupid thoughtfulness can go to Hell.
• As Luke trudges through the snowstorm, he suddenly sees in the distance... Obi-Wan Kenobi's ghost:
  Obi-Wan: This way... Look at me. You must survive...
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] I need to borrow some money, Luke; turns out you still pay rent when you're part of "the Force".
  Luke: B-Ben...? I'm so cold, Ben... So cold...
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Your own fault for deciding to visit Minnesota, Luke. [beat] Especially Fawn's Circle.
  Obi-Wan: You must go to the Dagobah system. You will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master... the one who taught me.
  Linkara: [as Luke] Wait, I thought... Qui-Gon was your master...
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] That bastard's dead to me ever since he stole my credit card to feed his gambling habit.
  Obi-Wan: You must, Luke... You're our only hope.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] The Expanded Universe hasn't introduced the thousands of Jedi who are still running around; until then, you're our only hope.
• The next morning, Luke and Han are found by Rebel pilot Zev Senesca in his snowspeeder:
  Senesca: Echo Base... This is Rogue Two. I found them. Repeat, I found them.
  Linkara: Man, Rogue Two had a happier ending than Rogue One did.
• Back at Echo Base, Luke is put inside a bacta tank, or as Linkara puts it, "healing tubes full of healing juices":
  Linkara: Space Age technology is just pickling things.
• After a recon station is wiped out, Han and Chewie investigate and destroy the probe droid, bringing its remains back to Echo Base:
  Han: ...I didn't hit it that hard. Must've had some kind'a self-destruct. Doesn't leave much to identify.
  Linkara: [as Han] All I did was hit it in that bag of dynamite it was carrying.
• Leia checks in on Luke as he finishes healing from his injuries:
  Luke: Y'know, Leia... When I was lost out there in that snow and ice and it looked pretty bad, well, I felt...
  Leia: I felt afraid for you...
  Luke: Leia, I don't really know how to say this. But you must know that you... well... You're the only one I... I...
  Linkara: Somewhere, Obi-Wan is out there screaming, "Oh, God! Why didn't I warn them about this?! NOOOOOOOO!!"
  • After Theeprio and Artoo interrupt, Leia turns to leave:
    Luke: Leia... Wait!... W-What would you think if... I went away for a while? To another system... A place called Dagobah... I've got to—
    Leia: What? That's just fine! First Han... now you!
    Linkara: [as Luke] Wait, you don't understand! I want to take you to Dagobah Disneyland, but I need to scope it out first!
• After Han and Chewie talk with Luke, Leia informs Han that he can't leave until they finish studying the probe droid, but he just assumes Leia is using that as an excuse to keep him around:
  Han: Especially after expressing your true feelings when we were alone the other day.
  Linkara: ...That she'd rather kiss a Wookiee?
  • Leia settles this argument by grabbing Luke... and kissing him right on the lips:
    Linkara: I'd just like to remind you all that R2-D2 was present at their births, and knows damn well who they are now, and is now watching this happen and probably trying his damnedest to contain all his beeps and boops of laughter about this.
    Leia: I guess neither of you understands everything about women... Do you?!
    Linkara: I don't; I figure you would've kissed Theepio to try to make that point.
• Aboard the Super Star Destroyer Executor, Darth Vader is informed by General Maximilian Veers that Hoth is protected by an energy shield that will deflect any orbital laser bombardment, meaning a ground assault is the only option to attack the Rebels:
  Vader: Ozzel came out of light-speed too close to the system!
  Linkara: [as Vader] We're coming on too strong! This relationship won't get off the ground now!
  Veers: He felt surprise was a wiser—
  Vader: He is as clumsy as he is stupid!
  Linkara: [as Vader] The man keeps tripping over me and spilling my coffee.
  • Linkara makes note of the comic continuously confusing Captain Firmus Piett with Admiral Kendal Ozzel, culminating in Vader Force-choking Piett to death instead of Ozzel:
    Linkara: Although, that could just be a sign that Vader doesn't really pay attention to any of these people; he just waits for them to stop talking. He's actually killed five different guys that he just keeps calling "Admiral Ozzel".
• After Leia briefs the pilots on the evacuation plan, she walks by Han and Chewie repairing the Falcon:
  Han: That should do it, Chewie. Let's give the lifters a try.
  Linkara: ...And it explodes.
  Han: Awright! Awright! So that doesn't do it!
  Linkara: [as Han] Damn Apple anti-repair practices!
• Luke suits up and says his goodbyes to Han before going to his snowspeeder:
  Luke: Han, I hope you make your peace with Jabba... even if it does throw half the galaxy's bounty hunters out of work.
  Linkara: Han Solo: industry disruptor.
  • Luke and his gunner, Dak Ralter, prepare to launch their speeder:
    Dak: Glad to see you back and well, sir... Now I feel like we can take on the whole Empire!
    Luke: Yeah...
    Enrico Marini: Yeah.
    Luke: I know what you mean.
    Linkara: [as Luke] I have a ghost whispering in my brain to tell me when to shoot things; we're going to be fine.
• A Rebel scout reports that the Empire has sent in their fearsome All-Terrain Armored Transports (AT-ATs), beginning the Battle of Hoth:
  Scout: Imperial walkers advancing on your position!
  Captions: Advancing... and firing!
  Linkara: [as the scout] Wait a second; they're firing directly into the air! They're switching sides!
• After Dak is killed from laser fire hitting his speeder, Luke suggests the other pilots fire their harpoons and tow cables at the AT-ATs' legs and trip them over, and as the duo of Wedge Antilles and Wes Janson take one of them down with this method, it instantly explodes:
  Linkara: This is why your evil empire really shouldn't buy from the lowest bidder, people; just imagine this thing tripping on a pothole and just spontaneously combusting.
  • Luke is shot down, barely escaping from the wreckage, and has to come up with a plan to keep the AT-ATs from destroying the shield generator:
    Linkara: [as Luke] Okay, I can use the Force to move things with my mind, so I'll throw my lightsaber up and slice through everything! Hyah! [throws his lightsaber, only to watch it fall limply to the ground] Okay, Plan B.
• While Han and Leia rush to the Falcon after their route to the transports is blocked, Vader enters Echo Base with a contingent of snowtroopers:
  Captions: Somewhere behind them, the last defenses fall before advancing stormtroopers...
  Linkara: So, is there an EU explanation why this says "stormtroopers" and not "snowtroopers"? Because I know with Star Wars, we're not allowed to have mistakes or shorthand for general terminology.
  Captions: Now joined personally by their supreme commander.
  Linkara: [as Vader] God, I love snow; total opposite of sand. When we're all done here, let's make a snowman!
• Han, Leia, Chewie, and Threepio fly off on the Falcon as Luke and Artoo prep their X-wing for their own escape:
  Captions: But as the Falcon becomes a twinkle in Hoth's cold blue sky, Luke wonders when he'll see his friends again, for his rendezvous will not be the one determined by the Rebel Alliance.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Instead, an awkward meeting at a public bathroom.
• A snowtrooper informs Vader that several Rebel transports have been destroyed:
  Snowtrooper: But the fleet's tracking scanners are on the Millennium Falcon.
  Vader: I want that ship!
  Linkara: [as the snowtrooper] But sir, why are you so obsessed with that ship in particular?
  Linkara: [as Vader] [flashes back to when the Falcon fired on him and his wingmates during the Battle of Yavin] Because... I want Skywalker, obviously.
• Luke flies the X-wing towards Dagobah, to Artoo's confusion:
  Luke: That's right, little guy... I'm not regrouping with the others. Strange as it seems, we're going to a place Ben Kenobi told me about... ...a place called Dagobah.
  Linkara: [as Luke] It's the Benihana of space.
  Luke: Yes, I heard about it from him when I was wounded and wandering in that blizzard back on Hoth. But trust me, Artoo... this isn't a relapse.
  Linkara: R2-D2 is now just realizing that he is stuck in a spaceship with this guy.
• The pursuing TIE fighters force the Falcon into a nearby asteroid field, which Han decides to use to his advantage:
  Threepio: If I might remind you, Captain, the probability of successfully navigating such an obstacle is approximately 2,467 to 1!
  Linkara: [as Threepio] And the odds are even worse if it's a Tesla!
• We next check in with the Executor:
  Captions: Meanwhile, not far away, at least on a galaxy where light-years are spanned simply as kilometers...
  Linkara: Wait, does that mean "in a galaxy far, far away" actually just means a few kilometers away?
  • The newly-promoted Admiral Piett visits Vader in his meditation chamber:
    Captions: Hesitant, uneasy, Piett enters the private chamber.
    Linkara: Well, you would be hesitant and uneasy, too; this place doesn't get aired out very often, and Vader's personal hygiene in his quarters can be most charitably described as "mildewy".
    • After Vader lowers his helmet onto his head, Piett reports that the Falcon has entered the asteroid field:
      Vader: Asteroids don't concern me, Admiral. I want that ship... not excuses.
      Linkara: [as Vader] Pizza party in the break room if you guys get your extra work done before the end of the fiscal quarter.
• The cover of the main series' 42nd issue introduces the reader to a few new characters:
  Cover: And now... the bounty hunters!
  Linkara: [as the cover] Performing their touching love ballad, "Don't Disintegrate My Heart".
• When Luke finally makes his way to Dagobah, he remarks how the swamp planet is a strange place to find a Jedi Master:
  Luke: Although... there's something familiar about it.
  Linkara: [as Luke] I'm pretty sure Uncle Owen took me here on a camping trip when I was five, and I hated it.
  • Suddenly, a weird green creature sneaks up on Luke, causing him to draw his lightsaber in shock:
    Creature: Away put your weapon... I mean you no harm. But I am wondering... Why are you here? Perhaps help you I can.
    Linkara: [as the creature] For a finder's fee, of course!
    Luke: I... I don't think so. You see, I'm looking for a great warrior.
    Linkara: [as Luke] Charles Barkley.
    Creature: A great warrior...? Not many of those. Wars don't make one great.
    Linkara: [as the creature] Being good at hockey does it.
    • The creature steals some food from Luke's supplies and begins eating it:
      Luke: Hey! That food concentrate stick was going to be my dinner!
      Gordon Ramsay: This chicken's like something from outer space. Just feed it a little bit! It's cooked to fuck!
      Captions: The wizened little intruder seems unimpressed, particularly when he starts to chew and promptly spits out the bite taken.
      Creature: <Peewh!> How you get so big eating food of this kind?
      Linkara: [as the creature] Grape jelly and mustard?! Wrong with you the hell is?!
      Creature: Come, come! Take you to good food...
      Linkara: [as the creature] To Applebee's we go!
      Creature: Help you find your friend.
      Luke: I'm not looking for a friend. I'm looking for a Jedi Master.
      Creature: Oh, a Jedi Master. Different altogether. Yoda. You seek Yoda. I take you to him... come.
      Luke: You... know him?
      Linkara: [as the creature] My boyfriend he is! Absolute wampa in the sack!
• Back at the asteroid field, the Star Destroyers conduct their search for the Falcon while Han, Chewie, and Threepio continue their repairs:
  Threepio: I don't know where your ship learned to communicate, Captain... but its dialect leaves something to be desired.
  Linkara: [as Threepio] It keeps rambling on about droid liberation or something... Also, that you're "not her real boyfriend"?
• Back on the Executor, Vader communicates with the Emperor via hologram:
  Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?
  Emperor: There is a grave disturbance in the Force!
  Linkara: [as Vader] I can tell; you don't sound right, my master.
  Linkara: [as the Emperor] Linkara decided to go with the original Marjorie Eaton and Clive Revill version of my voice instead of Ian McDiarmid.
  Linkara: [as Vader] That seems like an odd choice...
  Linkara: [as the Emperor] But it's authentic to the original time of printing, much like his decision not to use the redone colors.
  • The Emperor continues:
    Emperor: You must destroy him, my servant... or he will be our undoing.
    Vader: He's not a Jedi... just a boy. Obi-Wan could not have taught him very much.
    Linkara: [as Vader] He knows nothing of the high ground, my master.
    Vader: Yet with the Force so strong within him... he could be a powerful ally. If he could be turned...
    Captions: For a long moment the huge holograph image flickers silently.
    Linkara: I mean... when does it not? I reiterate that even in Expanded Universe lore, at least a thousand years before the Original Trilogy, hologram communication technology never gets better than something with terrible VSync issues!
    Emperor: Yes... Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?
    Linkara: [as Vader] With enough investor money...
• Back on Dagobah, Luke's insistence on meeting with Yoda eventually gets to be too much for the creature, causing him to drop the act and reveal himself as Yoda:
  Yoda: No good this! This will not do. I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience!
  Linkara: Okay, there's "patience", and then there's "weird little goblin steals my food and hits my robot with a stick".
  • Obi-Wan's voice chimes in, encouraging Yoda to train Luke:
    Obi-Wan's Voice: He will learn patience. We've discussed this before.
    Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Just because I'm a ghost now doesn't mean it's easy to go between planets, you know; don't make me think my trips were wasted.
• After Luke swears he's ready to be a Jedi and begs Yoda to take him on as his student, Yoda lays out his biggest weakness:
  Yoda: To become a Jedi takes the deepest commitment. All his life, this one has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, to the future. Never his mind on where he was... what he was doing. Adventure... Excitement... A Jedi craves not these things!
  Linkara: [as Yoda] I mean, follow Jedi teachings did I, and look how good I've got it!
  • Despite the thorough dressing-down he was just given, Luke remains determined to have Yoda teach him:
    Luke: I know I'm reckless... but I've learned a lot already. I won't fail you... I'm not afraid.
    Yoda: You will be, my young one. Heh... You will be.
    Linkara: [as Yoda] ...But don't be, because fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering! A whole thing it is!
• After Han begins to grow suspicious of their hiding place, he fires a shot and everything begins to shake; he and the others barely manage to escape as the mouth of the "cave" closes:
  Leia: W-We were... inside something...! Something... alive!
  Han: A giant slug probably.
  Stilgar: Usul, we have wormsign the likes of which even God has never seen!
• During Luke's training, he sees his X-wing sink further into the swamp, and his attempts to get it back out with the Force fail miserably:
  Luke: It's worse than when we left it...! This is a lot different than moving stones. I'm trying... but I can't! I-It's too big!
  Yoda: Try not. Do, do! Or do not. There is no try!
  Linkara: [as Yoda] Attempting things isn't real!
  Yoda: Size has no meaning. Look at me. Judge me by my size? No!
  Linkara: [as Yoda] Leapfrog around you with a lightsaber I can, whippersnapper!
  • Yoda takes the opportunity to demonstrate exactly what he means, lifting the X-wing out of the water with ease:
    Yoda: And well you shouldn't, for my ally is the Force... and powerful it is! Life creates it, makes it grow... It surrounds and binds us. Luminous beings are we... not just crude flesh. Feel it you must! Feel the flow! Feel the Force around you everywhere... waiting to be used. Between you and me... Between the trees and the rocks... ...Yes! Even between this land and that ship...
    Linkara: [as Yoda] But screw all that! Cutting an inanimate carbon rod into seven pieces is what really matters to be a Jedi!
• Aboard the Executor, six bounty hunters — Boba Fett, Dengar, Bossk, Zuckuss, 4-LOM, and IG-88B — meet with Vader to discuss the terms of their contract:
  Vader: ...There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Millennium Falcon. You and your band are highly regarded in your particular trade, Boba Fett... Do not disappoint me.
  Fett: Given a free hand, I've never disappointed anyone...
  Linkara: You say that, but I've seen your Disney+ series. [beat] It was fine; "Mandalorian Season 2.5".
• Han pulls a daring maneuver to shake off his pursuers, flying directly over a Star Destroyer's bridge to evade its sensors... then parking the Falcon right on the hull:
  Linkara: Some dude's bringing his date to the most scenic window on the ship and wondering why the hell it's all covered up.
• Luke has now grown enough in his skills to cut a carbon rod into four pieces, but is disappointed in himself:
  Luke: But it's taking so long! A Jedi could do seven! Let me try again! This time I'm angry enough to—
  Yoda: No! No! Anger, fear, aggression... the dark side of the Force are they! Easily do they flow...
  Linkara: [as Yoda] A Force laxative it is!
  Yoda: Quick to join you in a fight. Beware... A heavy price is paid for the power they bring.
  Linkara: [as Yoda] Your wardrobe into all-black clothes it becomes!
  Yoda: Easier, quicker, more seductive is the dark side... but once you start down that path, forever will it dominate! Consume you it will! As it did Obi-Wan's apprentice...
  Linkara: Seen here: a man consumed by the dark side.
  Anakin: You are so... beautiful.
  The Mariner: [flatly] My boat.
• Vader hears a report on the Falcon's whereabouts from an officer:
  Imperial Officer: Lord Vader, our complete scan has found nothing. The Millennium Falcon must have gone into light-speed. It's no doubt on the other side of the galaxy by now.
  Linkara: [as the officer] As opposed to where we are, the polka-dotted side of the galaxy.
• Han tells the others that since it's standard Imperial procedure for a Star Destroyer to dump its garbage before jumping to light-speed...
  Linkara: Littering: truly, the Empire's greatest sin.
  • ...he will power down the Falcon, disconnect, and pretend to be garbage floating away:
    Linkara: [as an Imperial] Huh... That old pizza box is shaped like the Millennium Falcon... and it's as big as a freighter. [beat] Man, Vader was hungry today!
• Han checks his logs and sees they're near the Bespin system, coming up with a plan to convince his old friend Lando Calrissian to keep them safe while the Falcon is repaired:
  Leia: Can you trust him, Han?
  Linkara: [as Han] Sure; last time I saw him, he became Childish Gambino!
• As the Falcon lands at Cloud City, Lando makes his way to Han, not looking too happy to see him:
  Lando: Han Solo! You slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler—
  Han: I can explain everything, buddy.
  Linkara: [as Han] I know I photoshopped you out of the swimsuit calendar, but that's only because the higher-ups very wrongly assumed you weren't photogenic enough.
  Captions: Suddenly, Lando can hold his scowl no longer, laughter fills the morning air... and blasters are swiftly lowered.
  Linkara: [as the captions] But we're not going to show any of that; here's a heavily-in-shadows Lando with a blank expression on his face.
• Back on Dagobah, Yoda brings Luke to a particularly sinister tree:
  Luke: Something's not right, Yoda. I feel danger... death... cold...
  Linkara: [as Luke] It's like having a conversation with David Zaslav!
  Yoda: This tree is strong with the dark side of the Force... A servant of evil it is. Into it you must go.
  Linkara: How does a tree become strong with the dark side? Is there a bunch of kudzu on it or something? Is it actually an Ent who got corrupted? Is it the monster from the movie From Hell It Came?
  Luke: What's in there, Master?
  Yoda: Only what you take with you.
  Linkara: [as Luke] So you're saying if there's a hundred bucks in my wallet... there'll be another hundred bucks waiting in there!
  Yoda: Your weapon... You won't need it.
  Linkara: [as Yoda] A lunchbox you may need, though; it's a long trip.
  • Against Yoda's advice, Luke brings his lightsaber into the cave... and is confronted by Darth Vader:
    Linkara: Oh, no! Luke had a Darth Vader action figure in his pocket!
    • After a short duel, Luke strikes the figure down:
      Captions: The black helmet-mask separates from the body, falling with a dream-like motion to shatter upon the cavern floor... ...and reveal the greatest nightmare of all!
      Linkara: That's right: Mr. Computer!
      Luke: N-No...! That's my face...!
      Linkara: Yeah, thanks for the exposition, Luke; would've been real nice if we could see that and not have you announce it, but you know, we needed the splash page recap. [beat] And then a splash page of the Falcon approaching Cloud City. [beat] And each of these books only has about 17 pages, less than most regular comics. [beat] Why is this episode so long when it feels like sometimes, there isn't much content?
• On Cloud City, Chewie delivers Threepio's destroyed body to Han and Leia as Lando invites the group to partake in some refreshments:
  Linkara: [as Lando] Ah, I see you've found the droid we were going to recycle into the silverware for said refreshments.
• After Luke has premonitions involving his friends suffering on Cloud City, he tries to leave so he can rescue them, but Yoda warns against it:
  Yoda: If you leave now, help them you could— —but you would destroy all for which they have fought and suffered!
  Linkara: [as Yoda] And come with you to help and train you on the way I cannot, because... uh... Waiting for something from Space Amazon; could take weeks.
• After Lando tells Han about a deal he recently made that will keep the Empire out of Cloud City forever, he opens the door to a dining room... to reveal Vader and Fett at the other end of the table; Han tries to shoot Vader, but he deflects the blaster shots with the Force and disarms him effortlessly:
  Vader: Boba Fett and I would be honored if you would join us.
  Linkara: [as Vader] Boba Fett cooked chicken wings with his signature "Boba-cue" sauce.
• Luke makes up his mind to leave, but Obi-Wan's ghost appears to discourage him:
  Obi-Wan: You're not ready yet, Luke. You feel the Force but cannot control it... You are now most susceptible to the temptations of the dark side.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Temptations like cool capes and torturing your friends. [beat] ...O-Okay, admittedly, it's more an emotional and psychological thing, but still!
  Obi-Wan: Only a fully-trained Jedi Knight will conquer Vader and his emperor!
  Linkara: Well, gee, Mr. "More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine", why don't you and the pixie frog come along to help, then?!
  Obi-Wan: Choose the quick and easy path and you'll become an agent of evil, plunging the galaxy into the abyss of hate and despair.
  Linkara: What about any of this is the "quick and easy path"?
  Obi-Wan: You are the last Jedi, Luke. Be patient.
  Linkara: Come Episode VIII, Luke remembers those words while confronting Kylo Ren and is, like, "Pfft! Sure, Obi-Wan..."
• Vader tells Fett that he will get Han after Luke arrives and orders Lando to keep Leia and Chewbacca on Cloud City indefinitely, but Lando argues that this wasn't part of their deal:
  Vader: I hope you don't think you're being treated unfairly, Calrissian— —it would be most unfortunate if I had to leave a permanent garrison at your outpost.
  Linkara: [as Vader] And you won't have Boba Fett around to cook for them.
• Lando speaks to Han about the circumstances surrounding the Empire's presence on Cloud City; he then gets punched in the face by Han, leading his guards to club him in retaliation, but Lando breaks the scuffle up:
  Lando: I've done as much as I can. I wish it were more... But I've got my own problems. I've already stuck my neck out farther than I should.
  Han: Yeah, yeah, Lando... You're a real hero!
  Linkara: I've got to say, this is the worst episode of The Calrissian Chronicles.
• Before Han is frozen in carbonite, Leia admits her love for him:
  Han: Just remember that, Leia— —'cause I'll be back.
  Linkara: [as Han] Admittedly, I'll probably be Mr. Freeze next time you see me, but still.
• As Luke approaches Cloud City, Vader orders a permanent garrison to be set up, directly going against Lando's deal yet again:
  Lando: That wasn't our bargain! You said the Empire wouldn't interfere in—
  Vader: I'm altering the bargain. Pray I don't alter it any further.
  Linkara: Unfortunately for Vader, Lando soon brought him to space court with the best lawyer in the galaxy... [beat] ...whom Vader then Force-choked.
• After missing his opportunity to save his friends, Luke is led into the carbon freezing chamber and encounters Vader:
  Vader: The Force is with you, young Skywalker... But you're not a Jedi yet!
  Linkara: [as Vader] For that, you have to complete this certification exam... and there's a fee to take it.
  • During their duel, Vader knocks Luke into the chamber's pit, but Luke manages to leap out of it before being frozen:
    Vader: Obi-Wan has taught you well. You've controlled your fear... Now release your anger! I destroyed your family... Take your revenge!
    Linkara: [as Vader] Yes, my brilliant plan is that you will kill me and then join my side! A— Wait...
• The fight eventually leads to Luke getting shoved through a glass window onto a narrow walkway above a near-bottomless shaft, with Vader cutting off his only escape route:
  Vader: Why resist further...? You are beaten, Luke. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Wan did!
  Linkara: [as Vader] You'll be called a ripoff, Luke; let yourself be destroyed in an original way!
• The duel reaches its climax when Vader slices off Luke's right hand, causing him to lose both it and his lightsaber; with Luke now at his mercy, Vader begins to tempt him:
  Vader: There is no escape, Luke. Don't make me slay you... Join me. Together, we will be more powerful than the Emperor— It was meant to be!
  Linkara: [as Vader] Take my hand, Luke! I— [stares at his outstretched right hand] Oh, right...
  Vader: There are many things Obi-Wan has kept from you, such as what happened to your father...
  Luke: Ben told me enough. He told me you killed my father!
  Vader: No, Luke. I am your father.
  Linkara: This is a weird remake of How I Met Your Mother.
  • Despite how unbelievable Vader's claim is, Luke senses, to his horror, that he is telling the truth:
    Vader: Luke, you can destroy the Emperor... He has foreseen this.
    Linkara: [as Vader] And I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any clones or anything on standby in case that happens!
    Vader: We can rule the galaxy together... father and son!
    Linkara: Ehh, starting a business with your family seems like a good idea sometimes... but I think that's just going to do more harm than good to your relationship.
    • Defiantly, Luke lets go of the walkway and plummets down the shaft, leaving Vader alone:
      Captions: Vader stares as the youth vanishes into the darkness.
      Linkara: [as Vader] That's it! You are grounded, young man!
• Upon rescuing Luke with the Falcon and reaching orbit, Lando attempts to jump into hyperspace... but quickly discovers the hyperdrive is still broken, despite him ordering repair crews to fix it:
  Linkara: It was then that Lando discovered that he was actually a terrible boss and everybody in Cloud City hated his guts.
• After the hyperdrive is finally restored, the Falcon jumps to light-speed and reunites with the Rebel fleet:
  Captions: Sometime later, in a safe sector of space... a patient recuperates from an operation that has given him a new hand... one that is mechanized, cybernetically controlled.
  Linkara: [as the captions] And one we will not show you, because instead, this panel features Threepio saying, "Hey, Lando's calling."

757: PATREON: Sonic the Hedgehog/Mega Man: Worlds Collide, Vol. 1

• For this video, Linkara has decided that, since he hasn't looked at any comic covers in a while, he'll do it for all four issues in this volume:
  Linkara: It's not a change in policy; just a reminder that it's my show, so I can do whatever the hell I want. I'm unpredictable! You don't know when I'll say "boner" or use a clip of someone else saying "boner".
• Since this is the first time Linkara has covered something related to Mega Man on his show, he looks over the included recap for the series:
  Recap: Dr. Light had a dream of a utopian future where man and machine worked side-by-side.
  Linkara: [as the recap] Then his bosses fired him because it was just cheaper to use machines.
  Recap: To that end he created his robot children, Rock and Roll, as well as the first Robot Masters.
  Linkara: [as the recap] Somehow, the Robot Masters were not his children, and were thus cut out of the will.
  Recap: But the nefarious Dr. Wily turned the Robot Masters into weapons and tried to take over the world. Rock had himself transformed into Mega Man so that he could combat his robot brothers, stop Dr. Wily, and protect the innocent!
  Linkara: Well, he'd better get going on that; it's almost 4 PM.
• The crossover begins with Sonic chasing after Mega Man in Green Hill Zone while dodging shots from the Mega Buster:
  Sonic: Is that all you got, Blue Boy?!
  Linkara: But... you're... blue, too. [shrugs]
  Mega Man: Not on your life, Pincushion!
  Linkara: [as Mega Man] Wait; actually, my energy bar ran out. That was, in fact, all I had.
  • Above them, a robot named Tails Man transmits footage of the battle to both Dr. Eggman and Dr. Wily, who celebrate getting their sworn enemies to fight each other:
    Eggman: Congratulations on a plan coming together so well, Doctor!
    Wily: It's all falling into place better than I dared dream, Doctor!
    Linkara: Eh, they're an unorthodox couple, but I still ship it.
• We flash back to a few weeks ago, with Wily berating the ancient alien supercomputer Ra Moon about not performing a task he wanted:
  Wily: Don't talk back to me, Ra Moon! I said I wanted a Met with a rice-cooker function, so make it happen!
  Linkara: [as Wily] You've given me, like, three with bread-maker functions; no one eats that much bread!
  • Suddenly, Flash Man enters and shows Wily something he found in the jungle while on patrol, which appears to be a Chaos Emerald:
    Ra Moon: SUCH POWER... ALLOW ME TO PROCESS IT FOR YOU.
    Wily: Forget it. Work on that rice cooker, and we'll talk!
    Linkara: You idiot! He's so distracted now that he's going to make a rock tumbler instead!
• Elsewhere, Eggman prepares to send a transmission to all of the forces in his empire, treating his subordinates with all the respect he thinks they deserve (read: none):
  Eggman: You incompetent ingrates! I gave my empire two simple objectives, and you've failed both!
  Linkara: Well, maybe if you hadn't canceled Funny Hat Day at the office, they'd be working happier, dude.
  Eggman: One—conquer each region of this planet for me so I have complete control of the world!
  Linkara: Ugh, typical corporate overlord setting unrealistic goals for his company, and then berating them for not meeting them. And now he's going to get a bonus after firing everybody!
  • While Eggman states that his second goal was to find a missing Chaos Emerald, a transmission of Wily suddenly appears on his monitor:
    Eggman: Who are you... and how dare you pirate my signal?! I'm the only one who gets to pirate signals!
    Linkara: [as Eggman] Especially when I'm wearing a Max Headroom mask!
• After Wily introduces himself as the greatest robotics genius on Earth, which Eggman recognizes as the name Mobius went by thousands of years ago, Eggman asks him what year it is:
  Wily: 20XX, why?
  Linkara: [as Eggman] 20XX?! That's when Hellstar Remina attacked!
  • Eggman explains to Wily that they're from alternate realities:
    Eggman: There are infinite variations of our worlds. Some are very similar, while others are vastly different.
    Linkara: [as Eggman] In one reality, I'm played by Jim Carrey!
    Wily: I don't suppose you know anything about bringing order and a better way of thinking to the world with your machines, Doctor?
    Linkara: [as Wily] Allow me to be specific. [beat] What do you know about rice cookers?
• Some time later, Eggman and Wily meet in person in a pocket dimension both of them created using the power of the Chaos Emerald:
  Eggman: You manipulated the Chaos Emerald expertly! Are you sure you haven't done this before?
  Wily: Haha, oh, stop!
  Linkara: This is a fun first date idea.
• Eggman and Wily's forces create the Wily Egg floating fortress, which contains a Chaos Emerald-powered device that will allow them to reshape reality as they wish, except for erasing living beings or their spirits:
  Linkara: Writing that one down in the details about Sonic and Mega Man: immortal souls are very real.
• On Eggman's orders, Bass and Metal Sonic kidnap Tails and stuff him in a tube:
  Linkara: Oh, neat; they're giving him a bacta treatment just like Luke from last time.
  Eggman: Hello, Tails! Congratulations! You're going to be part of an experiment!
  Linkara: [as Eggman] I'm sending you and some robots up into space to watch terrible movies!
  • Actually, the experiment involved turning him into a Robot Master, namely Tails Man from the intro; Wily laments the lack of a personality, but Eggman says he gets less sass from his minions that way:
    Linkara: Hmm, it's true, you know.
    Pollo: Where's my new body already?
    Linkara: It's coming, dammit! I've got little Comicron One models to print first!
• We cut to Mega City in Mega Man's reality, "post-Genesis Wave":
  Linkara: This is not the continuation of Star Trek II and III that I was expecting.
• While Dr. Light works on his robots with a concerned look on his face, Rock enters and check up on him:
  Rock: Doctor Light? Are you all right?
  Linkara: [as Light] I'm fine; it's just, someone put a bunch of Ben Day dots over there.
  • Suddenly, Roll alerts them to a news report showing Proto Man being attacked in a bank by roboticized versions of Sonic's friends:
    Rock: What are those things?
    Light: I don't know. They don't look like any Robot Masters I've ever seen.
    Linkara: [as Light] But I'm going to bootleg the hell out of them!
• Rock transforms into Mega Man and helps teleport Proto Man away:
  Mega Man: Blues—Proto Man—are you damaged?
  Proto Man: N-No... I'm fine.
  Mega Man: Of course you are. You always are...
  Linkara: [as Mega Man] That gaping wound in your chest is totally fine!
  • Proto Man informs Mega Man that the robots broke into the bank to steal a large gemstone, and Mega Man tells him to take a break while he deals with them:
    Proto Man: But be careful. Their builds, weapons—they seem alien somehow.
    Mega Man: That's okay—I've fought alien robots, too, remember?
    Linkara: Mega Man was the original Ben 10.
• In Green Hill Zone, Sonic can't help but feel that something weird is going on:
  Sonic: [thinking] I mean, I come here a lot, but something feels off...
  Linkara: Oh, great; this is where one of the deleted levels from Sonic 2 was supposed to go!
  • After some searching, Sonic is unable to find any trace of Tails, Knuckles, or Amy:
    Sonic: [thinking] I could run around and search the planet in a few days, but that's too slow for me.
    Linkara: [as Sonic] I'll just check social media instead!
    Linkara: It's a pity this relatively technologically advanced civilization still hasn't invented cell phones.
• Sonic recruits Knuckles' associates, the Chaotix, to assist in the search; one of them, Charmy Bee, complains to Vector the Crocodile and Espio the Chameleon about wanting to get ice cream, but Vector just says they need to finish their work first:
  Charmy: Forget you guys! I'm getting my ice cream! And they'll give it to me for free because I'm so cute and adorable!
  Linkara: [as Charmy] There are plushies of me, dammit! I'M SO MARKETABLE!!
  • One by one, however, the three of them are captured by what appears to be Mega Man, but is actually Copybot, Mega Man's evil duplicate:
    Linkara: They really screwed up by not calling him "Mirror Mega Man". 3M: Innovation. Industry. Evil robot doubles.
• While Mega Man follows the Roboticized Masters through a ring portal into Green Hill Zone, Sonic catches up with Silver the Hedgehog:
  Silver: I detected a disturbance in space-time originating from this period. I don't have much to go on besides this weird sense that—
  Sonic: Things are just a little "off"?
  Linkara: [as Sonic] Can't imagine what would be off... By the way, have you tried the new Sega console? Best system since the Genesis 3!
• We soon catch back up to the fight at the beginning of the crossover:
  Sonic: Do you have any idea how many of you bots I've trashed in this zone? Dozens! Hundreds!
  Linkara: [as Sonic] I AM BASICALLY A MASS MURDERER OF ROBOT-KIND! I BATHE IN THE OIL THAT PUMPS THROUGH YOU!
  • Mega Man begins to have suspicions about Sonic, as although he registers as organic and seems opposed to Wily, he moves too fast to be a living thing:
    Mega Man: [thinking] The poor thing is probably suffering from bad coding. I'll just take it out, preserve its I.C. chip, and Dr. Light can repair...
    Linkara: And we see an editor's note saying that an I.C. is its Integrated Circuit, the source of a Robot Master's personality. Ah, so Dr. Wily used to work for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
• Sonic comes up with the idea to take out Mega Man using the zone's loops, since Mega Man isn't used to targeting something moving so far so fast:
  Mega Man: Wait... Um... Whoa. I can't target—
  Linkara: ...And suddenly, Sonic hits him from behind.
  Linkara: [as Mega Man] Dammit, I'm built for side-scrollers! I don't know what dimension you hit me from!
• Light analyzes the data he received from Proto Man, and surmises that the energy from the ring portal matches several strange energy readings from across the planet, which might have something to do with the recent rash of amnesia cases and memory errors:
  Linkara: Although, that could just be a result of the killer party that Earth had last night.
• After Sonic and Mega Man fall through a ring portal that just opened, Wily guesses that Light had something to do with it:
  Eggman: He can do that?
  Wily: Oh, yes. Thomas is quite brilliant.
  Eggman: But not as brilliant as us.
  Wily: Oh, no! Not at all!
  Eggman: Because we're especially brilliant!
  Wily: Unfathomably so.
  Linkara: [as Wily] I mean, how many rice cookers does he put in his robots? [beat] Like, one, at most.
• After Sonic lands in Mega Man's world, he wonders why so many humans and robots are coexisting:
  Mega Man: We're back on my turf. My home town, even. Thanks to my dad, I'm sure.
  Sonic: Wait—wait—wait— Your dad? You're a robot, and you call whoever brought us back here "dad"...?
  Linkara: Sonic the Hedgehog: prejudiced against nontraditional families.
• Mega Man summons Rush, Beat, Tango, and Eddie, giving Sonic a chance to surrender:
  Sonic: Uh-huh. Dude, smashing little animal-shaped robots is kinda my thing.
  Linkara: WILL SONIC'S KILLING SPREE NEVER END?! Who's the real Sonic.exe, hedgehog?!
• After Tails is freed from his roboticization, he, Sonic, and Mega Man compare notes, and despite Sonic raring to team up and stop Eggman and Wily, Mega Man is still reluctant:
  Mega Man: You don't understand! My programming forbids me from harming life! The only reason I could fight was because my logic processor labeled him as a robot! That kind of loophole could be exploited to—!
  Linkara: Look, Mega Man, exploits in video games are common; just roll with it.
• The three heroes arrive too late to stop Light from being kidnapped, and while Tails, Roll, and Proto Man work to track the ring portal's energy signature, Mega Man becomes fed up with Sonic just lying on a desk:
  Mega Man: You could help, y'know.
  Sonic: Tails is the computer guy, not me. Once he's got things figured out, then I'll do my thing.
  Linkara: [as Sonic] That'll probably be me turning into a werewolf, or making out with a human woman, or playing pinball or something. I don't know; I've led an interesting life.
  • Our heroes open a portal, and while Sonic, Tails, Mega Man, Proto Man, and Rush will go to rescue Light, Roll and Light's other creations will defend the lab, hopeful that Duo is on his way:
    Tails: Duo?
    Proto Man: A friend. A powerful friend.
    Linkara: [as Proto Man] He pilots the Gundam Deathscythe; very useful here.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Pollo: I'm just saying, you can give me arms now with the next body.
  Linkara: You have little tractor beam emitters that work better than arms; why do you even want them, at this point?
  Pollo: Mostly to spite you.
  Linkara: You know, I could just take out your personality chip in the next build.
  Pollo: Good luck with that, when I'm basically on the cloud and can transfer into another body to shoot you for doing so.
  Linkara: Love you, too, buddy.
  Pollo: Also, you should make new little mini-Pollos for me to sell that match the new body.
  Linkara: Oh, that was always the plan; I'm shameless.

758: Youngblood: Strikefile #5

• The first story opens in a futuristic-looking Washington, D.C., where Badrock is being scanned while upside-down and in nothing but his skivvies:
  Linkara: Eh, not the worst way to wake up after a party.
  Badrock's Father: [thinking] Molecular density presently correlating to nearly 200%... DNA triangulation link shifting...
  Data: Using multimodal reflection sorting...
  • Badrock asks his father why the scan is taking so long:
    Badrock's Father: Fascinating. Your strength has increased 648% from that of a normal 16 year old and should increase to approximately 885% by full maturity...
    Linkara: Well, you know how it is; puberty just hits people differently.
    Badrock: Oh my God! I think my nose just fell off!!
    Badrock's Father: Thomas... ...Your nose has been missing for quite some time now...
    Linkara: [as Badrock's father] Don't you remember, Thomas? I "got your nose".
    • Badrock rushes off to tell his friends about his transformation, but his father sternly tells him that he's not allowed to leave the compound:
      Badrock: What?! Why not?
      Linkara: Well, for starters, no pants fit you anymore.
      Badrock's Father: Son... Learn to think things through a little better. Don't you realize the potential danger you pose to normal human beings in your present state?
      Linkara: [as Badrock's father] You're a bad influence on them! Soon, everybody's going to want to have rock skin and no nose!
      Badrock's Father: If you fell on someone — or even bumped into them — it's extremely likely you'd crush every bone in their body!
      Linkara: [as Badrock's father] What I'm saying, son, is that you're a clumsy freak who will only hurt everybody around you. Anyway, happy Father's Day! Where's my present?
• Badrock tries to convince the guards to let him out of his room:
  Badrock: Heck, it's probably even crossed your minds that this is just the sort of negative experience that could seriously affect a young boy's psychological development.
  Linkara: [as Badrock] You don't know what other mid-90's anime I might get into! Ranma ½? Slayers? Inuyasha?!
  Badrock: I know you're thinking this stuff and I'm sure you're deeply saddened that a renowned scientist's only son should be subjected to such abject... torture. So saddened, in fact, that I bet you can't wait to throw open the doors of this cruel and constricting prison and let me run free again. Right?
  Guards: Wrong.
  Linkara: [as a guard] We're not falling for that for a fourth time.
  • Having had enough, Badrock breaks through the walls of his room and knocks out the guards:
    Badrock: Sorry, guys... ...but I've gotta go! If I stayed inside that dinky little room for one second longer, my brain was gonna turn into cheese dip!
    Linkara: [as Badrock] And I'm a guacamole guy, myself.
• Not wanting to hurt any more guards, Badrock crashes through a window, handily tanking a several-story fall, to his shock:
  Badrock: Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omi— Eh? Manhole cover... Sewers!
  Linkara: [as Badrock] I can cover this crater I made with this manhole cover! No one will know the difference!
• Badrock tries to navigate the sewers:
  Badrock: [thinking] I don't know if I like the way this is going.
  Linkara: [as Badrock] I mean, I'm in a sewer; why is the water green? Has there been Ecto Cooler down here this whole time?
  Badrock: [thinking] It seems like I've been this way half a dozen times already. Just my luck — not only did I lose the guards, I lost myself, too! Great...
  Linkara: [as Badrock] Still, thank God I don't have a nose right now...
  • Badrock eventually finds some corpses floating in the water:
    Badrock: I think I'm gonna be sick.
    Linkara: [as Badrock] Goddammit, you can't flush corpses down the toilet! It's unhygienic!
• Badrock follows some noises to find a monster killing a guard:
  Badrock: [thinking] I don't know what that thing is, but I'll be darned if I'm gonna let it kill another one of those guards like that!
  Linkara: [as Badrock] There are so much better ways of killing guards!
  • After Badrock attracts its attention, the monster throws the guard's body against the wall so hard, it splatters in half:
    Badrock: Aw, jeez! You didn't have to go and do that!
    Linkara: [as Badrock] Now this sewer is really dirty!
    • The story ends with us getting a good look at the monster, with its insect-like appendages and mandibles and tattered clothes:
      Linkara: Man, the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon got weird in its later seasons.
• The second story, featuring Combat, opens on an asteroid floating near the Sun:
  Combat: [narrating] As a boy, I was taught that adversity was the builder of strength... ...challenge, the forebearer of courage.
  Linkara: [as Combat] It turns out that I just went to a really crappy school that didn't care about bullying and wanted higher standardized test scores.
  Combat: [narrating] One did not simply inherit the mind and body of a warrior.
  Linkara: [as Combat] But my dad left me one in his will anyway.
  Combat: [narrating] Those things were earned through struggle and hardship. The greater the challenge, the harder the struggle. The greater the challenge... the greater the reward.
  Linkara: [as Combat] And that's why I'm entering this local Smash Bros. tournament.
  Combat: [narrating] Today, I am older, and though I wear the skin of a warrior... ...my days of hardship have yet to pass.
  Linkara: [as Combat] Wish I had gotten a different skin from that loot box...
  • Combat describes the pyramid on the asteroid as Assael, which apparently possesses great power:
    Combat: [narrating] Others saw the challenge posed by Assael as too great. The temple itself was a labyrinth of traps and each chamber was said to be protected by locks of mind-boggling complexity.
    Linkara: [as Combat] Goddammit, why does every one of these rooms have a Sudoku puzzle in it?!
• One of the temple's rooms unleashes a flamethower on Combat:
  Combat: [narrating] Whatever manner of being erected this perverse structure clearly did so without consideration of the Katellan physiology. Like all members of my race, my body is impervious to flame — the heat it produces nothing more than a minor irritant.
  Linkara: [as Combat] Now, a light rain, on the other hand, we'll be vomiting our intestines out of our ears.
  Combat: [narrating] I was afforded countless hours of amusement as a child when I discovered that Katellans alone shared that particular distinction. Whether pets or pests, I invariably found myself flinging whatever animals I could lay hands on into the home fires. I found their agony a constant source of delight.
  Linkara: "The Next Generation of Heroes", everybody!
• After finding himself confronted by a skeleton army, Combat sees that one of the skeletons has a tablet piece similar to the one that brought him here:
  Combat: [narrating] I examine the stone — it matches perfectly with the one I was presented with at the outset of my mission. More curious still — it's scrawled in a bastardized Acuran dialect.
  Linkara: [as Combat] It says, "Do you like me?", and then two check boxes for yes and no.
• Combat eventually enters a room with a large column in the middle:
  Combat: [narrating] As I navigated the maze of shafts and ducts extending out from the pit, I began to get the feeling that Assael was larger than its appearance let on.
  Linkara: [as Combat] The resale value of this place is through the roof!
• Combat is ambushed by a female Acuran:
  Acuran: <Well, you shouldn't be too pleased with yourself, jungle-weed. THE ORB IS MINE!>
  Linkara: [as the Acuran] I will have it to ponder!
  • Combat tries to attack her when she gets close enough:
    Combat: [narrating] I strike swiftly... without mercy. In my favor, I have the speed of the Katellan ferrin... ...the ferocity of the wild peramute!
    FilmCow: My mind is like a well-oiled eagle.
    • Combat continues after Linkara once again turns the page on its side:
      Combat: [narrating] As a boy, I sometimes wondered if everything I was being taught or told would actually benefit me in life. Did a warrior truly need to learn anything other than combat skills or tracking technique, I thought.
      Linkara: [as Combat] Turns out the quadratic equation comes up more often than you'd think in my line of work.
• After Combat impales the Acuran on his staff and sees no trace of the orb she was after, he leaves:
  Combat: [narrating] "The greater the challenge, the harder the struggle" — this much is true. "The greater the reward"? Well, not everything I learned as a boy was true.
  Linkara: [as Combat] Babies being delivered by storks, though? Totally for realsies.
• The story ends with a mysterious toothy creature grabbing the orb and using it to destroy the temple:
  Combat: [narrating] If Assael was truly home to an Orb of Power... ...won't the true challenge be defeating he who now possesses it?
  Linkara: Not really; that guy plans on pawning it first chance he gets to pay for his dental bills.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: [looking at the issue's cover] Look at that head; he looks like a grim and gritty version of Homestar Runner.

759: April Fools 2024: Target Lamp III: This Time It's Personal

• Once again as part of an April Fools episode, Linkara decides to review a Target lamp only to be interrupted by a review of an obscure horror movie where he imitates a fellow reviewer, this time doing so in the style of Brandon's Cult Movie Reviews.
• When Linkara mentions that the original Spanish title for The Murder Mansion is La Mansion de la Niebla, he indicates that said title translates to "The Fog Mansion":
  Linkara: I knew it! The fog was the killer the whole time!
• The movie begins with a guy driving a car and passing by another guy who's on a motorcycle, with the former honking to get past the latter. The honking sound is rather comedic, leading to this comment:
  Linkara: And apparently, he rented his car from clowns!
• When Linkara complains about the chase scene at the beginning lasting for three minutes:
  Linkara: Come on! The movie is called Murder Mansion, not Murder the Traffic Laws!

760: PATREON: Marvel Versus DC #1-4

• Linkara describes how the Amalgam Universe was a direct result of this storyline, which aimed to settle the question of which was the superior comic book publisher, Marvel or DC:
  Linkara: When, of course, the clear answer was CrossGen. [beat] I'm kidding, of course; nobody remembers CrossGen.
  Audience: [boos]
  Linkara: [grinning] Okay, okay, I'm really kidding that time. I kid, CrossGen; I— [beat] Oh, wow, in 16 years of doing this, I don't think I've ever talked about CrossGen...
• The main gimmick of this crossover was that, since the storyline was supposed to be the ultimate "Who would win in a fight?" contest, readers had the opportunity to decide the outcomes of five battles through mail-in ballots:
  Linkara: Unfortunately, the voting efforts were skewed by third-party fight contestants on the ballots.
• The first issue opens with Ben Reilly in his Sensational Spider-Man costume swinging around Manhattan:
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): I love this town. Just when you've had it, when you think you can't take any more from the Big Apple, it gives you an honest-to-God quiet night for a change.
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Anyway, thanks for listening to me, air that I'm talking out loud to.
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): Nights like this I know I did the right thing coming back to New York and getting my life together... ...putting on the costume again. Well, a costume, anyway.
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Damn nudity laws!
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): Maybe without the mask I'm still going by the name Ben Reilly, but this is who I really am. It feels good being Spider-Man.
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Yep, I'm gonna be Spider-Man forever! I see nothing but good things happening to Ben Reilly for the next 30 years!
  • Suddenly, while passing by a homeless man sleeping next to a box, Reilly's Spider-Sense flares up:
    Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): Nothing in the alley but a grubby-looking guy and a cardboard box.
    Linkara: [as Spider-Man] Huh, bunch of lights coming out a box... <GASP!> There's a rave in there!
    Linkara: Yeah, I think Dan Jurgens may have had a miscommunication here, since Spidey says it's "glowing", but the beams of light are pretty obvious to spot, and yet not commented on.
    Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): Hold on! Why's the box glowing?
    Linkara: Ah, don't worry; it's just pre-heating.
• After Spidey is teleported away, a man, later identified as "Axel Asher", walks down the alley to find the homeless man awake and struggling to hold the glowing lights back:
  Homeless Man: Too soon. It's starting, but at least you're here!
  Linkara: [as the homeless man] Phil Swift, you're here! The Flex Tape, man! Hand me the Flex Tape!
  • Asher, not wanting any part of what's going on, walks away:
    Linkara: Smartest guy in the Marvel Universe, right here.
• Spidey wakes up in the rain to find himself face-to-face with, of all people, the Joker:
  Joker: Spider-Man, I presume. But you've changed tailors since last we tangoed.
  Linkara: [as the Joker] Also, that was one of those weird ones where we pretended Marvel and DC were always the same universe, so it's kind of odd that I acknowledge it now.
  • After Spidey expresses confusion about how a clown could be walking around New York, the Joker explains that they're in Gotham City:
    Joker: Dear boy, this fair gem is Gotham, famed far and wide for its flying rodents and murderous, disfigured psychotics.
    Linkara: [as the Joker] And that's just the local government!
• Meanwhile, while fighting the X-Men, the Juggernaut is transported to Metropolis, where he is punched by Superman after accidentally damaging the Daily Planet:
  Superman: I don't know who you are or where you came from, but I do know... ...you're in the wrong place, mister.
  Linkara: [as Superman] If you're going to punch buildings, you're going to do it "over there", because "over there" needs to take care of its own problems!
• As the light from earlier continues teleporting various heroes and villains away, we find Batman up against Bullseye in the Batcave as he holds a knife to the Tim Drake Robin's head:
  Batman: ...I don't know how you got in here, but we can end this without anyone getting hurt. But first you have to put down the knife... ...and let the boy go.
  Linkara: [as Batman] I get it; you probably listened to some rock and roll music, and it made you murderous and violent! It's the same with me!
  Linkara: Bullseye just says that there was a light, and now he's here.
  Bullseye: I'm here in this cave and I dunno how I got here. So you tell me... ...you tell me where I am! You tell me who you are!
  Batman: If you hurt the boy... I am your worst nightmare. I am the Batman.
  Linkara: [as Batman] And I'm not wearing hockey pads.
  • After Robin frees himself, Batman knocks Bullseye out:
    Bullseye: [weakly] You hit... ...even harder than... ...than... ...Daredevil...
    Linkara: [as Bullseye] Damn you... and your... lemonade... [falls over]
    • While he and Batman try to determine where Bullseye came from, Robin is suddenly teleported to Jubilee's room in the Generation X school while she's talking with Husk:
      Husk: Jubes? Were you expecting a boy to be delivered?
      Linkara: Man, Amazon delivery is more impressive than I thought!
• Later, Clark Kent is tasked with investigating the sudden appearance of Four Freedoms Plaza in Metropolis by the Daily Planet's new editor-in-chief... J. Jonah Jameson:
  Jameson: People are coping with all the weirdness going on out there, but they want to know what's happening!
  Linkara: [as Jameson] Clearly, this is all Spider-Man's fault, so you tell Jimmy Olsen to get me some pictures of him, dammit!
  • Lois Lane exposits that Jameson became the new editor after a "mysterious publisher" bought the Planet and forced Perry White out:
    Linkara: Oh, God! The version of Superman they've merged with is from Superman IV! Soon, the summit will be kaput!
• Among the brief panels of various fights is DC's Captain Marvel taking on Doctor Doom:
  Doomkara: Doom refuses to call you "Shazam"! You had the Captain Marvel name originally, and Doom will respect your place in history!
• Clark is introduced to Reilly by Lois after looking over his photos of Spidey capturing Man-Bat, who tells him he goes by "Peter Parker" professionally:
  Clark: ...Maybe between the two of us, we can figure out what's happening.
  Reilly: Oh, I dunno about that. I think it'll take somebody bigger than either of us... ...to really grasp it.
  Linkara: [as Reilly] I'm thinking... Godzilla; he's technically a Marvel character.
• The issue ends with the Spectre and the Living Tribunal realizing that beings more powerful than them have altered reality as said beings begin to point their fingers at each other:
  Linkara: [as a being, pointing] Does this bug you? I'm not touching you.
• The second issue opens with Asher seeing the two beings in his eyes:
  Linkara: Some people can handle cool custom contact lenses... and then there's me, who can handle none.
  • The captions recount how, when he was young, Asher attempted to grab his father's gun from his sister while she was playing with it... only to accidentally shoot himself in the leg:
    Captions: That was a long time ago. The only outward reminder is Axel's slight limp. But he carries the anger and pain within him.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Also, his irises transformed into weird alien head things; a lesser-known side effect of being shot in the leg.
    Captions: It was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to him... ...until they appeared in his consciousness... with an enmity that made his sister's and his pale in comparison... ...and with enough pain between them to level a universe.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Although, in their case, it's because one took away the other's Nerf gun from them.
• After Asher is accosted by a cop due to his suspicious-looking behavior, another cop comes along and argues with him about whether they're in New York or Gotham City:
  Asher: [thinking] Bursts of light... fake cops... It's like the whole city is going down the sewer...
  Linkara: Bursts of light? UGH! That's why this city is a hellhole!
  • Suddenly, Wolverine and Killer Croc leap out of a nearby sewer grate while fighting each other; nearby, Clark and Reilly happen upon the scene and wonder how they can change into their costumes without the other finding out:
    Linkara: It's like the setup to a romantic comedy: both are dating, both are secretly superheroes and don't know that's the case for the other.
• Back with Asher...
  Captions: There have been any number of times when Axel Asher has felt the need to move on... to roam...
  Linkara: [as the captions] Having a manhole cover be thrown through his windshield is, expectedly, one of those times.
  • Actually, he's decided to withdraw some cash from a nearby ATM:
    Captions: ...to continue his search for that goal which he cannot even name.
    Linkara: [as the captions] And thus, he names it "snuppleflob".
    • Unfortunately for Asher, thanks to the merged universes, the machine doesn't work properly:
      Asher: "Account not recognized"?! What is this?!
      Michael Bolton: "PC LOAD LETTER"? What the fuck does that mean?
• Asher recognizes that he's back near the alley with the homeless man and takes a look, finding the homeless man trying to patch up the glowing box with duct tape:
  Homeless Man: Finally, you got your tail back here! Took long enough!
  Asher: What... is that?
  Linkara: [as the homeless man] Look, my Solid Snake cosplay has gotten really out of hand, and I need some help here!
  Homeless Man: Aw, fer cryin' out loud! When there's a universe to save, you can't stop for exposition!
  Linkara: Nonsense; talking's a free action.
• We cut to a Warner Bros. merchandise store, with a confused customer talking to the cashier:
  Customer: Excuse me... sir? I don't understand... I was in this store yesterday and none of this stuff was here.
  Linkara: [as the customer] Wasn't this a Hanna-Barbera store?
  Customer: What happened to the display of X-Men stuff?
  Linkara: [as the cashier] Well, in an effort to drive up sales, Pinky and the Brain ended up joining the team; turns out Pinky was their most successful leader to date.
• Back in the alley, the homeless man asks Asher if he's going to help or not:
  Asher: What... What is that?!
  Homeless Man: Duct tape! First law of the universe: can never have too much duct tape!
  Linkara: This is a weird episode of The Red Green Show.
  • Eventually, however, the box goes haywire, the lights becoming bright enough to blind all the heroes in the vicinity:
    Homeless Man: I've tried to hold it back... ...tried to do the job I've had for ages... ...but it's no good! The "Brothers" have noticed each other! The battle's joined!
    Linkara: [as the homeless man] The Smash Bros. tournament has begun!
    Homeless Man: Ain't nothing you or I can do now except hold on! And try not to go nuts from what you're about to see!
    Homer Simpson: They're dogs... and they're playing poker! [screams]
    Captions: And then... real unreality floods him, and he hears a million voices as one...
    Linkara: [as the homeless man] My God! A million Twitter bots are telling me about the nudes in their bios!
• And so, the reason for the strange teleportations is finally revealed:
  Captions: In the beginning... There were two entities... "Brothers", although they were also Sisters, sexless, and everything in between.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Lots of whiny idiots declare that these two entities have "gone woke".
  Captions: They were yin and yang, good and evil, the mainyu...
  Linkara: Uh, I know you're going for a "balance" thing, but describing them as "good and evil" implies that one of these two companies is the bad guy, and I don't think that's a wise thing to imply. [beat] Well, okay, you could argue that sometimes, one company is being less evil than the other, but... sometimes, both are evil and both are good, so... [shrugs]
  Captions: They encompass the whole of everything... except each other. Each was simply... "Me."
  Linkara: [as the captions] Which made things complicated when people talked about them in social settings.
  • Among the rules the Brothers agree to in their contest is that whichever of their representatives immobilizes their opponent first, the equivalent of a pin in wrestling, is the winner:
    Linkara: [as a wrestling announcer] Wait, wait, what's that?! What's that music?! ...Oh, my God! It's Valiant Comics with the Money in the Bank contract!
• Thor and Captain Marvel introduce each other, and since they both wield the power of gods, they pray before starting their fight:
  Linkara: [as Thor, holding Mjolnir] O mighty myself, I pray I give myself the strength to fight. ...Oh, I'm giving myself the strength? Oh, great; thanks, me. I'm very welcome.
• Meanwhile, Thanos and Darkseid finally confront each other:
  Thanos: A disciple of death... versus a lord of destruction. Tell me then, Darkseid... would you care to make a wager on the outcome?
  Darkseid: I wager, you pale imitation of me... ...that you will lose.
  Linkara: Don't you mean "purple" imitation?
• The fight between Thor and Captain Marvel ends with Thor using Mjolnir to knock Billy Batson out, only for the hammer to disappear after being struck by magic lightning:
  Thor: But where is mighty Mjolnir? Did the otherworldly lightning somehow "short circuit" my hammer?
  Linkara: [as Thor, on the phone] Hello? Steve, god of tech support?
• During Aquaman and Namor's fight, Aquaman manages to wrap his hook around Namor with a cable, but it's not enough to immobilize him:
  Aquaman: The bad news is, the cord is unbreakable. The good news is, I'm dazzled by your coiffure.
  Linkara: I'm not. Namor just slicks his hair back, dude; I think your hair is more impressive, Arthur.
  Namor: Have you no respect for the stakes for which we battle?
  Aquaman: "Respect"? Namor, if I dwell on it too much, I'll curl up into a ball until it's over. So you'll pardon me if I keep my sanity and focus my own way.
  Linkara: [as Aquaman] Through song, of course!
  • The fight concludes after Namor is crushed by an orca Aquaman summoned:
    Aquaman: That's your weakness, Namor. You're too noble to cheat.
    Linkara: [as Aquaman] I, however, am a complete asshole, lacking any nobility. [beat] I guess we're the evil universe.
• Back at the Daily Planet, Lois thanks Reilly for saving her from both universes' Scarecrows:
  Lois: My hero.
  Reilly: [thinking] Jeez... I think she wants me!
  Linkara: Ben, don't be like those jackasses who think they're being flirted with by a store employee because they're smiling at them.
  • We learn that the person who purchased the Daily Planet is... Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin of Crime:
    Kingpin: What is this? My employees lollygagging about? I do not approve.
    Linkara: [as the Kingpin] If we're just being casual here, then I'm going to change into one of my numerous Speedos.
• The third part opens with Jubilee writing in her diary, recapping the events of the story so far:
  Jubilee's Diary: Sorry I haven't written. To tell you the truth, things have been kind of crazy.
  Linkara: [as Jubilee] My animated series got revived; a few weird things here or there, but... pretty good after four or five episodes.
• The fight between Jubilee and Robin doesn't last too long, Robin claiming victory by tying Jubilee up:
  Jubilee: You didn't even have to land a punch. That's so lame.
  Robin: God, no! I was never planning to hit you.
  Linkara: [as Robin] Kick you, maybe; I mean, have you seen these legs? I've got to show them off.
• The match-up between the Kyle Rayner Green Lantern and the Silver Surfer is equally brief, with the Surfer overwhelming Kyle with the Power Cosmic:
  Silver Surfer: The victory is mine... ...yet never have I more regretted an opponent's defeat.
  Linkara: [as the Silver Surfer] I mean, aside from that rib-eating contest; that was a mistake.
• Elsewhere, Elektra takes on Catwoman:
  Catwoman: I don't even know what I'm doing here. Nobody ever accused me of being a hero...
  Linkara: [as Catwoman] Or being able to put my feet flat on the ground.
• At the Daily Planet, Reilly tries to ask out Lois on a date, but she informs him that she's already engaged to Clark:
  Reilly: Oh, man, I didn't know. I'm sorry. Jeez, you could squash me like a bug, Clark.
  Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Can squash Spider-Man like a bug!
  • After Reilly is teleported away for his fight, Jameson barges in with a new story:
    Jameson: Word just came in! The Hulk and some freak named Metallo are bashing each other around downtown! Innocent lives at risk! Property damage! The makings of a great story!
    Linkara: [as Jameson] Somehow connect it to Spider-Man, and it will be perfect!
• After Asher is told about how he and the homeless man are both shards of the Brothers given sentience, he refuses to believe it:
  Asher: You're just some crazy homeless guy, that's all.
  Homeless Man: Am I?
  Linkara: [as the homeless man] I mean, I am homeless and a guy, so two out of three ain't bad, but still!
  Homeless Man: And that's just a cardboard box?
  Linkara: I mean, if it isn't, then I'm confused why you thought the duct tape would be effective.
  • The homeless man grabs Asher's hand, infusing him with energy and transforming his outfit into a red-and-blue suit:
    Asher: What'd you do to me?!
    Homeless Man: Unleashed what's inside of you.
    Linkara: [as the homeless man] A fashion model! Strike a pose!
    Homeless Man: Each of us chooses the guise best suited to who we are. This is mine; that's yours.
    Linkara: [as the homeless man] I am best suited to smelling like I sleep in urine-soaked alleyways; you're best suited to being a revamp of the Golden Age Daredevil. [beat] You know, I think I got the short end of the stick here...
    • The homeless man then reveals that he was keeper of the gateway between the two universes, making it look like a box because he wanted it to look like one, but it might be different for Asher:
      Homeless Man: ...because you're next in the long succession of keepers. My time is almost up. You have to take up the mantle... ...You have to become the Access.
      Linkara: [as the homeless man] And by that, I mean you need to become the access point; you're basically walking Wi-Fi now.
      Homeless Man: Everything's been leading to this moment. Your watch is more crucial than any that have come before.
      Linkara: [as the homeless man] Make sure it's a digital one. Ooh, with a calculator built in!
      Homeless Man: It falls to you to preserve the balance between the two universes.
      Linkara: [as the homeless man] If one has a politically charged event comic, the other must have one! If a major character dies in one and comes back six months later, the other must do so as well!
• While Wonder Woman remarks on feeling Mjolnir's godly power coursing through her (extremely skimpy outfit notwithstanding), her opponent, Storm, is not fazed in the slightest:
  Storm: But I warn you... I, too, have been called a goddess, and the lightning is at my command, as well.
  Linkara: [as Storm] And I'm actually wearing pants!
• We next see Spidey facing off against Superboy:
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): So what's your story, kid? You Superman's kid brother? Second cousin? What?
  Superboy: I'm a clone. Try to grasp the concept.
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): A clone?!
  Superboy: Yeah, a clone.
  Other Peter: I am you, and you're me, and this is a gun.
• After punching out Metallo, Superman and the Hulk are transported to the Grand Canyon for their battle:
  Superman: We must've been sent here so no innocents would be endanger—
  Linkara: ...And Bruce punches him.
  Hulk: Let's just get down to it.
  Linkara: The Incredibly Rude Hulk!
  • Ultimately, Superman wins by relentlessly punching the Hulk and collapsing a mountain on top of him:
    Superman: He took everything I had, and almost stood up to it. Nothing left now... ...except the waiting.
    Linkara: [as Superman] Also, to heal my spine. Ow, I twisted myself hard punching you like that!
• The final fight in the issue takes place in the Manhattan sewers, with Captain America tracking down Batman:
  Captain America: Batman melts into the shadows so easily... ...like he's a part of them. I can't fight what I can't... ...find.
  Linkara: ...And Batman drops down and kicks him.
  Linkara: [as Batman, falling down in front of the camera] IAMTHENIGHT!
  • The two acknowledge that they're equally matched physically, and Batman laments how they used to be on the same side:
    Captain America: We're still on the same side! Only the circumstances have pitted us against each other. Another time... ...I can see us as partners.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Oh yeah? Well, how do you feel about VHS tapes?
    Linkara: [as Captain America] Eh, not fond of them; I actually prefer Betamax.
    Linkara: [as Batman] M... My brother...!
• After their fight, Cap and Batman run into Access and the homeless man, where Access uses his power to make the two heroes glow:
  Homeless Man: The battles are over, and only one universe is being spared... ...but not the winning universe!
  Linkara: [as the homeless man] Marvel is being bailed out by Disney at the last second!
  Homeless Man: One universe is being eliminated... ...but not the losing universe!
  Linkara: [as the homeless man] Sucks to be you, Defiant Comics!
• The final issue opens in the Amalgam Universe, where we see Dark Claw chasing after Hyena through New Gotham:
  Dark Claw: Hyena! I'm warning you—!
  Hyena: Well, now, thanks for the warning, Dark Meat!
  Linkara: [as Hyena] But I'm going to click this phishing scam link anyway! I live dangerously!
  • Hyena manages to deflect some of Dark Claw's explosives into a crowd of people, but Super-Soldier arrives just in time to block the explosion:
    Super-Soldier: Isn't it fun when they shout your name in fear?
    Dark Claw: "Fear" I can relate to. I never quite got the hang of "fun".
    Linkara: [as Dark Claw] Especially when it takes, like, three hours to polish these claws.
• After Access learns that the Amalgam Universe was created by the Spectre and the Living Tribunal, he instinctively teleports back to the homeless man, now looking more desiccated than before:
  Access: Geez! What happened to you?!
  Linkara: [as the homeless man] Well, turns out the Amalgam Universe's homeless problem is, like... double than how bad it is in their respective universes; who'd have thought?
  • Now that Dark Claw and Super-Soldier have arrived as planned, the homeless man gives the last of his powers to Access before he dies:
    Homeless Man: 'Bye, kid. By the way... ...my name's Morty. Glad we met.
    Linkara: [as the homeless man] Mostly because that means this crappy job is yours now! Sucks to be you! Time to become a Force ghost or something!
    • Hyena suddenly bursts in, but Access just teleports him somewhere else:
      Dark Claw: You! Where the hell is Hyena?
      Access: It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
      Carl Brutananadilewski: It don't matter. None of this matters.
• After the two universes are restored to normal, Access is blown back by the resulting energy blast:
  Captions: Access, a twig caught in a hurricane, is buffeted mercilessly, and he is convinced that the thought currently passing through his head is going to be his last. And frustration overwhelms him... ...because it's really a lame thought.
  Linkara: [as Access, thinking] Wait, the Amalgam Universe was the only reality left where Arby's Potato Cakes existed! Dammit!
• Spidey and Superboy handily defeat Kingpin, convincing him to sell the Daily Planet:
  Linkara: Truly, the plot point we were all worried about.
• Access transports Cap and Batman to the Brothers' realm, which is described as more a higher state of consciousness than a physical place, where both déjà vu and racial memory come from:
  Batman: So it's really happening... but it's all in our minds.
  Linkara: [as Batman] So here, I can will One-Face into nonexistence! My greatest enemy defeated once and for all!
• As the sky bleeds and the world begins to end, Clark returns to Lois' side while Spidey and Jameson momentarily settle their differences:
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): Well, Jameson? Going to take one last potshot at me?
  Jameson: For what it's worth... ...I'm sorry.
  Spider-Man (Ben Reilly): ...Oh.
  Linkara: [as Jameson] Yeah, clearly, my 100% accurate journalism on your villainy has led you to destroy the world like this; I may have taken things too far.
• As the Brothers come to blows, Cap suggests forming an army to take them on, but Access points out how the Spectre is more powerful than a billion armies and has no effect on the entities:
  Batman: And you're saying this is all some kind of cosmic "state of mind".
  Access: Basically, yeah.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Okay, my next idea might seem pretty wild, but hear me out: I think we should summon the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
• Back on Earth, the champions await their end:
  Captions: They are witnessing the end of everything. Their thoughts, their fears, horrors, regrets... they are all private.
  Linkara: Well, except for all the vampires on either Earth who are dancing outside right now going, "Whoo! Christmas for bloodsuckers!"
  Captions: All save for one, who chooses to give voice to his. A voice that speaks with the hush of a newly dying star, as Thanos says...
  Thanos: [whispering] It's... it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen...
  Linkara: [as Thanos] See, Stark? This is how much blood you should be getting for all that effort.
• After the Brothers clash, they see Batman's origins and how that led him to protect the innocent, using his pain as a force for good:
  Captions: He became one among many... but remained forever unique.
  Linkara: See, you say that, but I could own both Turbojet Batman and Infrared Batman at the same time.
  • They then see Cap's origins, where a man with a weak body but a strong spirit subjected himself to experiments to fight greater evils, continuing his crusade across decades and remaining steadfast in his convictions in the face of a darker, more cynical world:
    Captions: He became one among many... but remained forever unique.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Except when a living Cosmic Cube made a Nazi clone of him; that was annoying.
• The Brothers realize their struggle is insignificant compared to those of their universes' inhabitants, and after billions of years pass, they come to a decision:
  Captions: —the Brothers... ...for the first time in recorded and unrecorded history... ...speak. And they say the same thing.
  The Brothers: YOU'VE DONE WELL.
  Linkara: [as the captions] And then they look at their younger sibling, Image, and say, "You could do better."
• After the universes fully separate, none of the heroes remember what happened, with only Access knowing the full truth:
  Captions: The truth of the Brothers' realization that their creations had surpassed the creators themselves.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Although, they should still be getting royalties from them, at least.
  • The story ends with Access deciding to reject said truth so he can seek out new truths and explore what else is out there:
    Captions: And when universes beckon... ...which of us could say no?
    Linkara: Eh, we could put them on hold, at least.

761: Mr. T and the T-Force #9

• After a Content Warning relating to the events of the comic, the review begins with Linkara reverently holding up a Mr. T trading card while the Hallelujah chorus plays in the background.
  • On the back of said trading card can be found one of "T's Tips":
    Tip: Stop and think before taking action; there's always another option—you've just got to find it.
    Linkara: Mr. T tries to solve the trolley problem.
• The comic opens with a busy block party:
  Captions: It's Neighborhood Pride Day in the projects. A day to forget the crime and the poverty and the drugs.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Those are for a much weirder Pride Day.
  Captions: A day for everyone to feel good about what they have, no matter how little it may sometimes seem.
  Linkara: I don't have indoor plumbing, but at least I've got ebola!
  Captions: And most importantly, a day to feel good about each other.
  Linkara: [captions] Until you go on the Internet and ruin that.
  • Suddenly, a trio of gang members arrive, causing the partygoers to flee for their safety:
    Captions: Eddie "Blades." One of Clarence's boys. People know. They move out of his way. Fast.
    Linkara: Man hasn't showered in eight months; get within five feet of him, and you'll be running away, too.
• Fortunately for the neighborhood, Mr. T is on the case, lifting a gofer who just picked up some drugs by the neck:
  Mr. T: You don't belong here, Eddie. It's Neighborhood Pride Day, not Neighborhood Shame Day, fool!
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] That's on Wednesday, fool! Check the community calendar!
  • An angry Eddie slashes at Mr. T with a kukri knife, which he naturally dodges with ease:
    Mr. T: [thinking] Short fuse. But I'm cool, and that gives me more of an edge than any knife anyone could ever carry.
    Linkara: All right, medical students; today, I'm going to be showing you how to perform a surgery, but instead of a scalpel, we will be really calm instead.
    • The other gang members draw their guns:
      Mr. T: What you need is a healthier lifestyle. It starts with eatin' right.
      Linkara: [as Mr. T] Here, eat my fist, suckah!
      Linkara: [showing Mr. T grabbing a tomato] Wait, no, Mr. T, that's Dokibird! She's been through enough!
• Despite Mr. T's saving the block party, a policeman named Sergeant Kelley yells at him for messing up a months-long sting operation against the gang members:
  Kelley: We knew he was gonna make a drop under the cover of this crowd, and we were ready to bust him when it all went down. You messed up my bust!
  Linkara: I don't know; you're pretty flat-chested already, dude. [grins]
  • Mr. T, however, claims they can still arrest Eddie:
    Mr. T: You've got plenty of witnesses to what happened here, Sergeant. They'll be happy to testify, and so will I. You'll find Eddie Blades. The T-Force can help.
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] I sense a great disturbance in the T-Force, as if millions of fools cried out at once, and they wouldn't cut the jibber-jabber!
• Mr. T visits Janie's clinic to patch up a knife wound he received during the scuffle, which she claims will heal in no time:
  Mr. T: Then why do you look so worried, Janie?
  Janie: I was just thinking about Holly, this girl they brought into the clinic this morning... ...13 years old and three months pregnant.
  Linkara: [as Janie] She probably could've cut you up worse, Mr. T.
• Inside his house, Eddie frets over his boss, Clarence, punishing him for Mr. T's interference in the drug exchange:
  Eddie: [thinking] I could end up dead. No. Clarence doesn't kill his own. But I'll be out with him. On my own.
  B. A. Baracus: Man, why are you talkin' to yourself like some kind of fool?
  Eddie: [thinking] No one to back me up. Might as well be dead.
  Linkara: Ah, don't worry about it, man; here, let this shadowy figure give you a neck massage to help you feel better.
• After visiting Holly's mother to inquire about her after-school schedule, Mr. T begins his search:
  Mr. T: [thinking] T.C.B… Takin' care of business.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] TCBY... Time to get some yogurt.
• The cops bust into Eddie's house to find him dead, strangled with a gold chain:
  Gottlieb: Just like Mr. T wears.
  Linkara: [as a policeman] But we don't know the full extent of Mr. T's powers, Sarge! He could've teleported in here without anyone seeing him!
• Mr. T enters a subway station Holly takes to school every day:
  Mr. T: [thinking] My instincts are telling me to look here for the girl.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] My T-Sense is tingling!
  • After finding Holly and chasing her through the subway, Mr. T is soon found by the police and is ordered to come to the station for questioning regarding Eddie's murder:
    Mr. T: Whatever's fair — you got a job to do. But first I have to help that girl. She's in trouble.
    Policeman: What girl? I don't see any girl.
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] Dammit! She activated her cloaking device!
• Clarence holds a meeting with his other employees, who want to get revenge on Mr. T for what he supposedly did to Eddie:
  Captions: Clarence. No last name. On the streets that name means power — and fear!
  Linkara: [as the captions] Off the streets, people assume you're talking about the angel from It's a Wonderful Life, and it holds considerably less power. [beat] About the same level of fear, weirdly enough.
  • Clarence doesn't believe Mr. T would do such a thing, but the other gang members are less convinced:
    Clarence: There's too many maybes! I need answers. Get Mr. T... ...tonight!
    Linkara: [as a gang member] Uh, sir, tonight's your doctor's appointment to try to fix your weird lockjaw issue.
    Linkara: [as Clarence, through clenched teeth] Dammit! Fine! Bring him in tomorrow!
• Mr. T is brought to Sergeant Kelley:
  Mr. T: Killing's not my way, Sergeant Kelley. You know that. Are you charging me with something?
  Linkara: [as Kelley] Mr. T, at least 15 people are filing criminal complaints against you for cruel and unusual punishment because you keep singing at them!
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] It's not my fault those suckahs don't know how to treat their mothers right!
  Kelley: Eddie Blades was found dead this afternoon... Strangled with a gold chain— —just like the ones you wear.
  Linkara: You know, I hadn't thought of that before: that he could actually use his jewelry as a weapon. Just imagine that Mr. T is actually secretly carrying around a flail and nunchakus around his neck that he could assemble in a cool montage sequence.
  Mr. T: Mr. T's not the only one wearing gold in this 'hood! You can buy chains at any jewelry store.
  Linkara: It's going to be hilarious when it turns out the killer is a jewelry store owner who finally snapped.
  • Kelley then shows Mr. T the T-Force communicator found with Eddie's body, which at the very least implicates a member of the T-Force:
    Mr. T: [thinking] A.B.C... Always be cool.
    Linkara: [as Mr. T, thinking] Which leads to X.Y.Z... Examine your zipper. Just casually zip it back up without him noticing...
• As Mr. T is taken to the cells, the power suddenly goes out due to the storm; knowing how important Holly's safety is, Kelley decides to give Mr. T a 30-second head-start before the police chase after him:
  Mr. T: Thanks! I'll be back. And with some answers about Eddie Blades, too!
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] In fact, I'm not even gonna bother coming back; I'll have all the crimes wrapped up in this city by midnight.

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