Funny / Agents Of SHIELD Season Three

Funny Moments from Season Three of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..

For funny moments from other seasons, go to the appropriate page.

• Season One
• Season Two
• Season Three
• Season Four
• Season Five
• Season Six
• Season Seven

Season Three

Laws Of Nature

• Asked how it feels to "join the paparazzi", Coulson remarks that he thinks he missed his calling.
• When Mack and Daisy meet Joey again in his quarters, he takes a look at the cute, petite girl and the tall, musclebound man. Mack's face throughout the exchange is the best.
  Joey: So she's the greeting party and you're the muscle, huh?
  Mack: Believe me, she is the muscle.
  Daisy: He looks big and intimidating, but inside, he's just a soft, little, fluffy little teddy bear.
  Joey: Yay.
• After Bobbi lists off a number of personal facts about Joey, he worries that they're digging into his life. It turns out that everything Bobbi just said was from Joey's Facebook page.
• When Daisy begins by describing Joey's new reality gently, Joey responds by saying to lay it on him hard. So she does. Ending with a cheerful "Welcome to the club."
• The nonchalant reaction to tremors at the base. "It was Daisy firing a warning shot." Seems superheroics are becoming commonplace now.
• Coulson having trouble remembering to call Skye 'Daisy.'
  Coulson: Hard to get used to, huh?
  Hunter: No.
  Mack: No, just you.
• Seeing how outgunned Mack is against Lash, he quips "I need a bigger gun, or my ax. Or some kind of shotgun/ax combo".
  • And when they actually start chasing after Lash, despite him being able to No-Sell their best attacks:
    Mack: [resignedly] Oh, we going in there? Yeah, that makes sense.
• Hunter proclaiming he knows where his wedding ring is... and it requires SCUBA gear to get to. Not to mention it's also a cheap ring.
• When Joey asks who the hell she is, Bobbi replies that her name is Bobbi, as in the name usually short for Robert, but in her case, it's Barbara, which to her, is worse.
• Rosalind proving to be just as good of a Deadpan Snarker as Coulson, as seen when the two engage in Snark-to-Snark Combat.
  • To the point that they both miss it when they hit each other with Wham Lines:
    Coulson: Wait, is this still cagey banter or are we being honest?

Purpose in the Machine

• Bobbi wants to go with Hunter to take down Ward, but he points out she's already been undercover with HYDRA.
  Hunter: That face makes an impression. [looks her up and down] The rest of you makes a bloody statement!
• Melinda's father calls her Mellie. The stoic, unstoppable engine of ass-kicking destruction gets called Mellie.
• Hunter's excuse for showing up at the doorstep of the May's house uninvited:
  Melinda: What the hell are you doing here?
  Hunter: Neighborhood watch?
  Mr. May: [mutters in Chinese]
• As May's cutting vegetables, her father remarks that she does it just like her mother. And then muses that he thinks her mother cut vegetables so aggressively as a way of threatening him.
• Professor Randolph is back, and he's a blast.
  • He's in prison, partly because with all the anti-alien fervor, he thinks it's a good idea to hide out in a comfortable jail cell, but also because he was arrested for drunken conduct and destruction of property.
    Randolph: Yes, well, Asgardians can generally hold their drink, it's just, well, one night I tried to hold ''all'' the drinks.
  • He's convinced to help save Simmons, so he decides to rip off his cell door and walk out. Then the guards come in:
    Randolph: [points at Coulson] He did it.
  • When he realizes he knows that they need to go to England.
    Randolph: To the plane! [runs off]
    [everyone stares]
    Randolph: [turns back as the music cuts out] Am I allowed to say that?
    Coulson: Let's all...go to the plane, I guess?
  • Randolph mentions that he got into the castle originally (in the 1800's) for a costume party because he heard rumors about "journeys to the stars". He gave up on any portal because some guy dressed like an owl told him the stories were just cover for human sacrifice. Also, there were these fire dancers who distracted him. Bobbi just rolls her eyes.
  • After Coulson finds a secret passage marked with the Hebrew word "Maveth":
    Randolph: Are you certain about this? It does say "death by punishment".
    Fitz: [walks in without hesitating]
    Randolph: [to Bobbi] After you.
    Bobbi: [motions for him to go first]
  • Bobbi trolls him by mentioning a bunker they found under the Louvre, and keeps up a perfect poker face when Randolph asks if she's just joking, leaving him grumbling that now he'll have to check it out for himself.
• When Coulson asks what Fitz needs to rescue Simmons from another planet, Fitz says he needs more historical data on the Monolith, an expert in quantum mechanics, an expert in Einstein-Rosen Bridge theory, and a sandwich would be nice.
  Coulson: I might have an idea—about the other things.
• Ward had Werner (Von Strucker) tortured to either break his spirit or break his weak, privileged shell, proving he was worthy to be a leader in the new HYDRA. Werner is, understandably, a little peeved towards Ward. When Ward asks him to sit down and talk, he mentions a bargaining chip...
  Ward: I brought tacos.
• The team is able to find the Monolith chamber in the castle because the Hebrew word is carved everywhere.
  Coulson: See, this is why I had the S.H.I.E.L.D. logos removed. It's like you're screaming for attention.
  Bobbi: ...you know, there's a ginormous eagle symbol on top of our jet.
  Coulson: Yeah. Sometimes I can't help myself with the cool.
• Ward raiding Werner's party boat and beating up his mooks with little effort. Then one of the mooks actually manages to land a hit on Ward, and when you're expecting Ward to let loose with a Blood Upgrade-fueled ass-kicking... he pulls out a gun and shoots him.
• Just the simple fact that Ward's right hand man is Kebo, who is...shall we say, a downgrade from Mr. Bakshi. As if getting knocked out in the last season in a split second by Ward wasn't bad enough, this time around he gets the crap kicked out of him by a teenager he was supposed to be torturing. He looks intimidating, but he's quite pathetic all things considered.
• After Daisy passes out after the machine activates the Monolith, Coulson rushes to her side and calls her "Skye" again. She wakes up with an annoyed "Daisy," and Bobbi wryly notes that Coulson is still having trouble with the name change.
• Daisy complains that Dr. Garner still won't certify anyone for her team, and that he said Daisy is being reckless.
  Coulson: Don't take it personally. He probably just meant that—
  Daisy: He said you're desperate.
  Coulson: What? He didn't say that... Did he say that?
  Bobbi: Let me guess. I'm struggling to come to terms with physical limitations and losing my sense of self instead of redefining it.
  Daisy: No, he didn't mention you.
  Bobbi: [sounding offended] Oh.
  Daisy: Oh, he did. That's what he said.
  Bobbi: Oh, good.
• Hunter tells May that people at HQ are gossiping about why she hasn't come back from a spiritual walkabout to a midlife crisis. He amends this to early midlife crisis when she gives him a look.
• After May tells Hunter that Fitz managed to rescue Simmons:
  Hunter: Beers? Come on, let's get some beers! Come on, May, smile for once in your life!
  • She does.

A Wanted (Inhu)man

• Hunter and his friend get so drunk they need subtitles.
  May: Like you guys aren't hard enough to understand.
• May calls Hunter out for lying to Bobbi. But Hunter insists that Bobbi knows that he's lying, so it's not even a lie in a technical sense.
• During Rosalind's hunt for Lincoln, she gets a call from the President. She rolls her eyes, but takes it. Then it turns out to be Coulson instead.
  Coulson: You're not the only one with a connection to the White House. Mine is a hijacked satelite feed that will be detected soon, so I'll be brief.
• Rosalind chastising Coulson for focusing more on her car than her in their meetup.
  "Eyes up here."
  • When Coulson asks what her name is, Rosalind responds it's rather weird to name your car ("it's just a car")... then sheepishly corrects him that it's a He.
  Coulson: Lola, I found you a husband.
• Upon meeting with Coulson in person, Rosalind has a few things to say...
  Rosalind: Last time, you disarmed me with your easy-going manner.
  Coulson: I see what you did there.
  Rosalind: I have to hand it to you, I wonder what else you have up your sleeve.
  Coulson: Okay, I get it.
• May getting full-on bear-hugged by Spud, complete with him lifting her up off the ground. Her expression is absolutely hilarious.
• When Bobbi calls Hunter, she asks if he's doing something stupid. At this point, he's walking around hungover, casually holding a loaded assault rifle with one hand like it's a sandwich, and says "Not yet."
• Fitz decides to take Simmons out on the date he asked her out on all those months ago, reminding her that taking him to a restaurant after he woke from his coma was what made him feel like a human being for the first time in months.
  Simmons: [surprised] You complained the entire time.
  Fitz: Well...okay, a crabby human being.

Devils You Know

• With Simmons on bed rest, Bobbi gets to play the other half of Fitz's scientist pair... and she can't stand it. He has all sorts of systems and color-coding that she's not familiar with, to the point that she can't even put a sample in a bag without being told she's doing it wrong.
  Bobbi: The other day, I tried to put a bio-sample in a clear bag.
  Simmons: That makes no sense! B is for blue is for biological-- [notices Bobbi glaring at her] —and I can see how that could be frustrating.
• "The killer has an IT guy?"
• When Mack compares Lash to a great white shark:
  Mack: It's like a great white shark. Built to eat, sleep—
  Daisy: And kill.
  Mack: I was going to say "make little baby sharks", but then Jaws was probably twenty years before you were born.^note actually only thirteen years
• Mack and Daisy get spooked by the noises in the darkened building they're pursuing Lash through.
  Daisy: Do we have movement?
  Mack: I don't know, I can't see a damn thing.
  Daisy: Well, do you want me to take point?
  Mack: [pauses, clearly nervous] I'm going, I'm going...
  • After it cuts to Bobbi and Fitz at the crime scene, it cuts back to Daisy and Mack.
    Mack: Oh, it's gotta be long gone, something that big can't just slip away without-- [clanging noise from behind the next door] Damn it, I had to jinx it, didn't I?
• Coulson claims he has a "laser finger" on his prosthetic hand. Even Rosalind is curious about it.
• Ward and Hunter's Trash Talk during their shootout. Ward asks if Hunter was stupid enough to take him on alone. Hunter snarks back about Ward's Accidental Murder of Kara. The camera even shows Ward visibly recoiling from the burn.
  Ward: Come on, Hunter, you weren't stupid enough to think you could just come in here all cowboy, did you?
  Hunter: This coming from the guy who accidentally shot his girlfriend?

4,722 Hours

• Jemma tries to follow S.H.I.E.L.D. protocols for being stranded: Hold position and wait for rescue. This is after she realizes she's halfway across the galaxy.
• Jemma's attempts to explore her environment start with jumping up and down.
  Simmons: Gravity seems a bit stronger than Earth normal...or I'm just exhausted. [jumps some more] Think it's the gravity.
• After fighting a monster for food, Jemma swears with the same elongated "biatch" as Fitz.
  Simmons: You're dinner, biatch!
• Jemma makes an impressive belch after snacking on the sea creature she killed and cooked.
  Simmons: [to the photo of Fitz on her phone] You'd be so proud of me, Fitz. I killed the monster plant. Then I made a fire, cooked him, and ate him. And then I burped. Really loud.
• Will falls for the sick prisoner ploy.
• Will insists he's not "science-y," but still uses some high-level vocabulary to describe a glowing crack in the wall.
  Will: There's a luminous substrata below us.
  Simmons: It's warm.
  Will: It's a natural source of heat. Keeps the planet warm without sunlight.
  Simmons: Well that sounds very science-y of you.
  Will: I think it's the fires of Hell.
  Simmons: Okay, then.
• Jemma and Will defining their roles.
  Simmons: You just have to have hope.
  Will: There's no hope. Not on this planet.
  Simmons: Then that's how we'll work. I'll be the voice of hope, you'll be the voice of doom. Deal? [extends hand to shake]
  Will: [shakes hand]
  Simmons: See? It's working already.
  Will: No, it's not.
• Will makes a gas-powered grappling hook to cross a canyon.
  Will: What, did you think I was going to build a helicopter?
  Simmons: Kinda.
• To pass time on their hike to the portal, they make small talk.
  Simmons: Eat, sleep, or shower. Which are you going to do first when we get back?
  Will: Eat, of course. What about you?
  Simmons: I will...eat in the shower and fall asleep while doing it.
  Will: That's very efficient. I expected nothing less.
• Jemma and Will celebrate the first sunrise to occur in the part of the planet they live on in eighteen years with a toast made with wine that was taken from the body of a 19th century explorer, and has long since turned to vinegar.
  Will: Just let it breathe.
• There's something hilarious about Will's reaction to the speed at which technology advanced while he was away, especially considering that he wasn't on Earth for when Tony Stark basically jump-started a new technological revolution.

Among Us Hide...

• Hunter giving Fitz terrible advice about how he shouldn't help bring Will back.
  Hunter: If your girlfriend's ex wants to visit from Phoenix, you do not buy him a plane ticket.
  Fitz: ...that's really specific.
• After being benched for screwing up the Ward mission, Hunter spends the episode trying to make himself useful in other ways. This includes giving Fitz Green-Eyed Monster advice regarding Will, trying to correct his spelling of the aliases Fitz gave to May and Bobbi, and then volunteering as The Driver for Mack and Daisy.
  Hunter: Nothing yet... Banks still isn't back.
  Mack: He wasn't back thirty-seven seconds ago either, but thanks for the regular updates.
  [later]
  Hunter: So what’s the plan when he gets back? Is this a grab-and-torture kind of deal? [Daisy and Mack stare at him, but Hunter doesn’t notice and keeps talking] Chokehold might not work if he turns out to be Lash. But we could...
  Daisy: Whoa, whoa, slow down, gitmo. I thought you just wanted to drive.
  Hunter: Just offering helpful suggestions.
  Mack: Helpful in what way, exactly?
  Hunter: Um... stopping bad guys?
  Mack: How about professionalism? Doing your job smart, not getting people killed?
  Hunter: [sighs] Hm.... wild guess, this isn’t about following Banks.
  Daisy: Hunter, come on. Andrew almost died.
  Hunter: And there we have it. Look, it’s not like I just handed over Andrew and said, "Hey, please kill our friend."
  Mack: Right. "I had no choice."
  Hunter: [sincerely] I had no choice.
• Coulson is left behind to make awkward small talk with the cop in Rosalind's home.
  Coulson: You can tell a lot about a woman from her books. [beat] Okay, I didn't know that there were that many biographies of Margaret Thatcher.
• Hunter decides to help Mack and Daisy by putting on a bandana, shooting Banks with an ICER, and dragging him into the van so they can test his blood for Inhuman DNA. Daisy reluctantly admits that it's a good idea, but still thinks he has anger issues. When they point out they don't have any blood-drawing equipment, Hunter punches him in the face.
  Hunter: There. Blood.
  [Daisy and Mack stare]
  Hunter: ...okay, so there might be a small anger issue.
  • When Hunter shoots Banks, Mack gives a horrified "Oh!" to the act. Daisy? An exasperated "Come on!" And then Hunter gives an "A-Okay" sign.
  • Hunter and Mack are going through Banks' phone and wallet, respectively.
    Daisy: Anything?
    Mack: Guy shops at Costco. [holds up a membership card]
    Daisy: Anything useful?
    Hunter: There's not even any selfies. Banks, you are boring. Well, apart from the fact that he might be a giant beast who blows holes in people's chests, but...[the phone chimes, Hunter lobs it onto the unconscious Banks] I-I didn't do it! It wasn't me!
    Mack: We know. It's a phone.
  • Later, while reconnoitering an ATCU lab, Daisy decides to send in Fitz's newest D.W.A.R.F. to check it out, despite Fitz's insistence that it wasn't ready for deployment. Daisy has it because she stole it. Hunter's stare is priceless.
    Daisy: What? I didn't say you were the only one with issues.

Chaos Theory

• Andrew tells May that they've both matured, then asks "Wanna go steady?"
• Coulson has apparently been telling Rosalind that he lost his hand in a shark attack. When she demands the real story, it's clear she isn't sure if he's still messing with her.
  Coulson: One of my men cut it off. Saved my life.
  Rosalind: Seriously?
  Coulson: You kinda had to be there.
• Most of Andrew's Black-and-White Insanity is extremely disturbing, but there is part of his defense to Coulson:
  Andrew: I'm simply trying to sort the good from the bad. You gave me this job!
  Coulson: That's a pretty poor interpretation of a therapist.
• While fighting Lash, Coulson tries to reason with Andrew, saying that they're friends. After Lash begins overpowering Coulson's robotic arm, Coulson amends that to "acquaintances".
• Mack's reaction to his Worf Barrage against Lash.
  Mack: Really need to commit to that shotgun/axe idea.
• While Fitz reviews Simmons' logs from her cellphone, he finds one where she goes on about how they first met. Simmons remembers how he was so quiet...and pasty.
• Hunter's reaction to seeing a picture of Will.
  Hunter: [clearly impressed] Is that the other man? [realizes what he just said] I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking... he has a hog face.
  • To which Fitz looks slightly pleased and mutters under his breath "He does have a hog face..."
  • After this, Fitz tells Bobbi and Hunter that the symbol of Will's program looks similar to the one from the castle, indicating that they're the same group. Hunter thinks it's a stretch, to which Fitz points out that they're dealing with an alien rock that can send people to other planets. Bobbi admits that it's possible.

Many Heads, One Tale

• The episode opens with Malick speaking at length on the octopus and why it's a symbol of HYDRA, with some sort of octopus dish on the table between them.
  Ward: [deadpan] Well, it's a terrifying symbol, but not my idea of dinner. [picks up a fork] Then again, I am adaptable...
• Ward's quip right before ejecting himself from an airplane.
  Ward: Ladies and gentlemen, please return to your seats and keep your seatbelts fastened. You may experience some turbulence coming up. Don't be alarmed: that's just your pilot diving to equalize cabin pressure before you freeze to death. Oh, and from all of us here at HYDRA, thanks for flying the friendly skies.
• Hunter pretending to be an ex-hacker who got recruited to the FBI as a consultant in order to hack into the ATCU's facility. Refuge in Audacity at its finest.
  • He's wearing a t-shirt that says "Damn the Yanks", in contrast to Bobbi's professional suit.
  • He types everything Daisy tells him very slowly with one hand after introducing himself as a professional hacker.
  • Daisy checking if he knows the difference between a back slash and a forward slash, after she gives him the code to type. He doesn't.
  • His choice of username? "God Save the Queen". After eye rolling at Mission Control, Daisy admits that she let him choose the username.
• Coulson and Rosalind flirting by attempting to hack each other's systems... and then realizing that's an absolutely terrible way to flirt.
• Rosalind's non-verbal realization that the axe hanging on the wall in Coulson's office is the one that cut off his hand.
• Ward's deadpan reaction to Malick's reveal that HYDRA is a centuries-old cult serving an Inhuman that was sent through the portal.
  Ward: Well...that's a lot to take in.

Closure

• This lovely conversation:
  Rosalind: Any sensible girl would swipe left in this moment.
  Coulson: Honestly don’t know what that means.
  Rosalind: You’re such a Luddite.
  Coulson: You know I have a flying car, right?
  Rosalind: Yeah. It’s from the ’60s.
• After Fitz and Simmons are captured:
  Ward: Don't blame me. This was his idea.
  [cue Gideon Malick appearing from behind Ward]
• Simmons makes a snappy comeback after Ward mentions the ocean drop to her face.
  Simmons: You really are the king idiot.
• When Coulson is about to parachute out of the Quinjet to follow Ward and Fitz through the portal, Bobbi tells Hunter to try and talk him out of it. When he does, Coulson says he's ending this, and Hunter decides to join him.
  Bobbi: What the hell are you doing?!
  Hunter: We both know common sense was never really my strong suit.

Maveth

• Mack gives Bobbi and Hunter hell for not stopping Coulson from jumping out the back of the Quinjet.
  Hunter: Full disclosure, I was planning on jumping as well.
  • Immediately after, we get this gem:
  Bobbi: All we have to do is take control of the castle and open the portal so they can return.
  Mack: [tk] So... just take control of the ultra-fortified HYDRA castle and open an alien portal? That's it?
  Bobbi: [nods]
  Mack: You know, you're wired different than most folks.
  Bobbi: I'm not saying it'll be easy.
  Hunter: I wouldn't mind hearing it's gonna be easy.
  Bobbi: It'll be easy.
  Hunter: Doesn't work when I know you're lying.
• Joey is a little bit new to the whole S.H.I.E.L.D. thing.
  • During the planning stages, he expresses some confusion about what's going on. Hunter assures him that's normal.
    Hunter: Usually, we make a plan, it goes to rubbish, and we make a new plan. Just to be clear: This is the part where it goes to rubbish.
  • He's happy that the enemy Inhuman is telekinetic instead of telepathic (after having the difference clarified) so that no one can know what he's thinking right now.
    Lincoln: Let me guess: You're not a hero, you have no idea what you're doing here, and you think you're going to screw everything up. Don't worry. Everyone's thinking that.
    May: I'm not.
    Daisy: Okay, fine, everyone but May!
  • Joey's bewildered glee upon finding that when someone shoots at him, his power activates defensively and turns the bullets to liquid.
    Joey: Hey, look, I'm bulletproof!
  • Trying to help reinforce the barricades.
    Joey: I can use my, uh, my—
    Bobbi: Amazing new super power?
    Joey: Yeah, that.
• When directing the various team members on their assignments, Acting-Director Mack refers to the Inhuman field agents as "Power Rangers."
• Coulson's remark upon taking in the alien planet's landscape for the first time:
  Coulson: Well, I'll be damned. Tatooine.
• Black Comedy, but when Simmons is talking to Andrew, she refers to his killing spree as "misbehavior," in a tone like a disappointed schoolteacher.
• After finally meeting Will, Fitz admits that he had run through this scenario a dozen times in his head, but he hadn't expected this much blood... or the smell.
• When Coulson is leading Ward around by gunpoint, Ward goes on a long rant about having finally found purpose in his life (after seeing the large, ancient HYDRA statue). Coulson just shoots him in the other shoulder, and Ward barely even blinks.
  Coulson: Gonna be honest, I have no idea what you just said.
• When Mack, Hunter, and Bobbi are outside the portal room and watching the castle through a thermal scan, Hunter waves to make sure the heat blooms they think are them really are. Mack and Bobbi just stare at him.
  Hunter: And now we're sure. You're welcome!
• Mack says they need to take out the dozen HYDRA goons in the portal room quickly and quietly. Bobbi just says "Copy that" and walks in by herself.
  Mack: So are we supposed to wait here, or...
  [Hunter runs after Bobbi as sounds of fighting and shouts of pain are heard, all from HYDRA goons]

Bouncing Back

• When the President meets with Coulson, one of his complaints about the Inhumans situation is that Fox News won't shut up.
• Hunter tried the fish oil.
  Hunter: I had my fingers crossed for x-ray vision.
  [beat]
  Hunter: I was just curious! I wasn't the only one. [looks at Bobbi]
  Bobbi: What? Rehab was a bitch.
  Mack: You two deserve each other.
• Mack and Elena try to overcome the language barrier when she claims her talents are a gift from god. Mack replies it's not from God (Dios), but from fish (pescado).
  Elena: Pescado?
  Mack: Yeah, pescado. I know my way around a menu.
• When the team rescues Mack from Elena, who's about two feet shorter than him and considerably lighter.
  Hunter: Her?
  Mack: Don't make me crush you.
• When Mack starts showing obvious attraction to Elena...
  Mack: Might be a good thing keeping her close. It's safer.
  Daisy: [knowing look and a small smile]
  Mack: Don't look at me like that.
• Before getting his big confrontation with Malick, Coulson has to sit through a few seconds on hold with relaxing muzak.
• Simmons wants to start over with Fitz, and go back to how things where when they first met.
  Fitz: Sixteen and achingly shy?
• The Stinger, when President Ellis reveals that General Talbot will be Coulson's new counterpart in the ATCU. Coulson just knows that This Is Gonna Suck.
  Ellis: He has the utmost respect for you.
  Coulson: Now I know you're lying.
• When the gang storms the police station to rescue Bobbi and Hunter, Elena keeps using her Super-Speed to disarm them, all the while sporting the biggest shit-eating grin on her face.

Inside Man

• Hunter refers to Daisy and Lincoln as "Good Old Shake-And-Bake."
• To honor the symposium's hosts, Talbot is wearing a traditional Taiwan long gown. He makes his distaste about wearing a "dress" clear immediately. That disgruntled expression is great.
• Talbot is searching for Malick's agent among the delegates, and keeps finding shallow reasons to suspect them. This one's too nice, this one smiles too much, this one is too shifty, this one has a scar, this one is Russian...
  Coulson: Congratulations. You've successfully narrowed it down to everyone.
  • Talbot's reaction after Coulson says that just sells the moment: He actually seems proud and takes it as a compliment. Of course, given the actual identity of Malick's agent, Talbot himself under duress, Talbot's failure to narrow down the suspect pool makes a lot of sense.
• Benched from the mission, Daisy and Lincoln take to sparring, because Daisy needs to blow off steam and Lincoln's assessment is coming up.
  Lincoln: Great. More time apart.
  Daisy: I like it when you miss me. [punches him in the face]
• Hunter spends the entire episode convinced Creel is going to turn on them. When he saves Hunter's life, Hunter just scowls and says "This doesn't make us even."
• The symposium takes place in a gun-free zone, to Hunter's intense annoyance. When HYDRA shows up with palm-locked guns, May and Bobbi are worried since they have no weapons... and Hunter reveals that he smuggled Bobbi's staves and some pistols in with the catering supplies.
  Bobbi: I love you.
  May: I don't hate you quite as much.
• Hunter and Bobbi get pinned down by HYDRA goons.
  Hunter: Were we the only ones that got the no-weapons memo?
• After everything goes south at the symposium, Coulson assigns some of the crew to find Talbot's son. Cue May rolling up in the truck, having already taken care of it offscreen.
• When a pair of HYDRA agents are about to execute Talbot and Coulson, the former has one Last Request:
  Talbot: Please, kill him first, so I can have one moment of peace.
• May is training Lincoln in field reporting by having him shadow Coulson and Talbot's first meeting. He soon spots something unusual: no one would ever deliberately cut their hair like Talbot's.
• Thanks to Coulson's efforts in trying to save his son, Talbot agrees to a First-Name Basis with Coulson. Then he pauses for a moment and adds "on occasion".
• When Coulson tells someone to "gimme a hand", sometimes he means it literally.
  Talbot: What do you want me to do with this thing? Because it's freaking me out.

Parting Shot

• Bobbi responds to being interrogated for the murder of four Russian officials by asking for a cheeseburger.
• Hunter swears up and down that he and Bobbi were visiting a top-secret Russian base in Siberia, in winter, in the middle of the night, looking for mushrooms. For soup, see.
  • This turns out to be a half-truth; he really did grab some mushrooms for soup, much to the surprise of the rest of the team.
• Turns out Hunter is an environmentalist, and sent FitzSimmons a documentary on the disappearing rainforests.
• Bobbi and Hunter prepare for a stakeout... and are caught five seconds later.
• Bobbi plays up the Dumb Blonde act to try and trick the guards, and one of them mutters in Russian, "They think we're idiots." Bobbi replies in Russian, "No, just slow," and they kick the crap out of them.
• As the team is preparing to infiltrate the base, Bobbi asks how everyone's Russian is. May is fluent but her pronunciation is bad, Mack has no knowledge of the language at all, and Daisy only knows the dirty words because she dated a Russian hacker once. Bobbi is nonplussed.
• Daisy tries to hack the Russian computers... which are all in Russian.
  Daisy: The one that looks like New Hampshire with legs is "D", right?
  Bobbi: Da.
• When Daisy finally hacks a door open for Bobbi, Bobbi thanks her in Russian. Daisy says "de nada," which is Spanish.
• The Gratuitous Russian keyboard and hacking code can really make a Russian speaker crack.

Watchdogs

• Everyone in S.H.I.E.L.D. knows what nitramene is... except Daisy.
• Mack and Fitz in front of the imploded building, now crunched into a ball small enough to easily fit on the jet.
  Mack: Do we take this to bring back with us? Study it?
  Fitz: Uh... yeah, sure, if you've been working out... 'cause it weighs like one hundred thousand tons. It's a building.
  Mack: So... no, then.
• Coulson realized the Blake they were talking to was a hologram because there was a slight lag. More specifically, because he wasn't interrupting Coulson. Apparently he normally does that a lot.
• When the Watchdogs come for Mack and his brother, Mack counts the enemy units by the sound of their boots, collects what weapons he can find, and lays down an escape plan. His brother is impressed, and asks if this is the kind of thing he does all the time. Mack, annoyed, says that he's a mechanic, and he hates this kind of thing.
• Mack finally gets his shotgun-axe, but with a cleaver instead.
• At the end, Mack's brother realizes "Alfie" is really a part of S.H.I.E.L.D.
  Daisy: He's one of the best—did you just call him Alfie? Wow. Thank you. I cannot wait for him to get back from recovery now.
• What has Daisy taken to calling Mack's younger brother? "Mini Mack".

Spacetime

• Coulson asks if they can be sure the future visions will happen. Various team members start talking over each other about different theories about the nature of time, while May simply says "That's a dumb question."
  • The conclusion Coulson draws from their answer? "Okay, so it's possible."
• Fitz explains to the team that if Daisy saw the future, then that's what the future will be, saying that time is how people view the fourth dimension. Other than Simmons, most of the team are a little confused.
  May: You're hurting my brain.
  Coulson: Look, I don't know if Fitz is right or if I even understand what he's saying, really...
• Coulson is rattling off all the ways to keep the vision from coming true (Daisy stays at the base, May goes out in the field, Coulson doesn't pick up a gun) and finishes it off with "and FitzSimmons stay away from the snow!"
• Coulson attempts to talk out his problems with temporal predestination using The Terminator as a reference point.
  Lincoln: I, uh, I never saw the original Terminator.
  Coulson: ...You're off the team.
• Daisy coaching May through the fight (using her vision as a reference point). She ropes Lincoln, FitzSimmons, and some random S.H.I.E.L.D. agent named Doug into playing the Red Shirt security guards, then keeps micromanaging everything.
  Daisy: May, is that really your best sidekick?
  May: ...I didn't want to accidentally hit Simmons in the face.
• May herself is pretty funny in the training, from awkwardly trying not to hurt her co-workers to shouting "bang!" with a completely straight face every time she pulls the trigger on her fake gun.
  • Plus Doug's completely flat "Please, no!" before May flips him.
• The team spot Hive!Ward on their hacked video feed seconds before it cuts out. The next shot is of Coulson, Lincoln, and FitzSimmons staring at the screen in total blank confusion - the best visual representation ever of the Flat "What" trope.
• After saying that "This day can't get any weirder", Team Coulson learns about Hive in Grant Ward's body after Daisy has already been sent. When Coulson finds her, he orders her to leave.
  Daisy: What are you going to do?
  Coulson: Find Grant Ward.
  Daisy: [stares in shock]
  Coulson: Yeah. The day got weirder.

Paradise Lost

• May's initial summary of the "Ward" situation.
  May: I thought you killed him.
  Coulson: I did.
  May: Obviously, you didn't do it hard enough.
  • May tries to take the revelation in stride, hoping that she will get a chance to kill Ward.
• James referring to the Kree artifact as an "alien thingamajig."
• When Coulson learns HYDRA is getting into the oil business: "It's like they're not even trying to avoid the bad guy cliches."
• James wonders if Lincoln received his powers due to sleeping with Jiaying, and Daisy is squicked out.
• James has just finished explaining everything he knows about Hive, and only then thinks to ask if Daisy and Lincoln are trying to bring him back.
• May's Groin Attack on Giyera gets even funnier when you remember the episode's title is "Paradise Lost". Yup, Giyera definitely lost his paradise to the show's Memetic Badass.
• Simmons describing the European starling as one of the United States scariest invasive species.
  Coulson: ...they're just birds.
  Simmons: Birds can be scary! Imagine a million coming to peck your eyes out with their tiny little beaks!

The Team

• While Daisy and Lincoln are briefing Joey and Elena, the former are forced to admit that they pretty much have no intel on what they'll be facing. After being reminded that their friends are in danger, Joey asks when they'll be landing. Daisy and Lincoln share a look...and Joey and Elena finally realize how they intend to get down.
• Coulson, Mack, FitzSimmons and a grievously injured May prepare to make a Last Stand against the HYDRA goons ready to bust in on their refuge in the Zephyr...and then there's a polite knocking on the door. Everyone looks suitably confused.
  Elena: [from the other side] Hello?
  Mack: What the hell?
  • This is followed by Elena, who recites the English greeting she was practicing earlier.
  • Fitz had been preparing to drive the attacking HYDRA agents out by releasing gas into the corridor outside.
    Mack: Is that stuff going to hold?
    Fitz: Hope so. It's chlorine gas. And if not, we'll all go blind.
    Mack: What?
    Fitz: [stomps on the canister]
• Daisy referring to Hive as "Zombie Ward".
• Mack recommends putting the Inhumans in containment. Coulson highlights the absurdity of the situation. "And then what? Simmons said it — there's no test. Are we gonna question them? What do we ask? 'Are you infected? No? Great, thanks.'"
• May, injured and on strict bed rest, limps into the command center to talk to Mack.
  May: Whatever is going on, the Inhumans are wondering about it. Also, what the hell is going on, Mack?
• FitzSimmons during Lucio's biopsy.
  Fitz: Note that Simmons is going to make this sound science-y but we're basically splitting open a guy's head to look inside.
  Simmons: Fitz isn't a fan of audio notes.
  • Afterwards, Fitz worries about the possibility of the Inhumans being controlled, and notes that Yo-Yo could cause lots of havoc on the base, and that Daisy could do even more damage. Simmons then casually notes that Lincoln could electrocute them in their sleep, or any time. Then she understands why he's worried.
• Mack, May, and Coulson are discussing which of the Secret Warriors could have been infected, and May points out that Lincoln tried to pump her full of meds before she could talk to Daisy.
  Mack: Yeah, but he is a doctor. [May shrugs]
• During the tense scene where the Secret Warriors are suspecting each other of being infected, Elena has trouble explaining and switches to Spanish, causing difficulties for Daisy and Lincoln.
  Daisy: I don't understand, can you just speak English, please?
  Elena: [in Spanish] You're supposed to be a spy, why don't you learn Spanish?
• Fitz pokes fun at Hive, saying that he couldn't even make it off the desert planet without their help.
• Simmons is looking at Fitz's picture of a galaxy, and muses that she wishes something magnificent can come from space instead of something terrible. They then say they want to stop waiting and accelerate their relationship.
  Fitz: Who needs space? Cause I've already got something magnificent right here.
  Simmons: [leans in for a kiss]
  Fitz: [turns away at the last second to look at the wall] A picture of space.
  Simmons: [laughs]
  Fitz: One of my prized possessions, really. I don't know why it may seem significant—
  Simmons: Okay. [kisses him]
• Daisy turning out to be the one infected by Hive is somewhat funny in that the show is bringing back its original Official Couple of Skye/Ward in the weirdest and most disturbing way possible.

The Singularity

• Mack refers to Hive as a "giant maggot," on the basis of him being a parasite. He and May have a brief back and forth on whether maggots are parasites before realizing that neither one of them cares.
• James has a train of poor nicknames for himself. He even tries to get Mack's opinions when they're fighting, and Mack just rolls his eyes.
  • In The Stinger, he eventually settles on Hellfire, but worries that it's too much. Alisha just shrugs noncommittally.
• James decides to embrace his cultural stereotype:
  Daisy: Are you drunk?
  James: Well, I'm Australian, so yes.
• Daisy turning James by smashing a terrigen crystal at his feet. "You talk too much".
• Coulson put an actual energy shield in his prosthetic hand because he's S.H.I.E.L.D.'s director.
  Coulson: I thought the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. should have a shield. Fitz agreed, so...
  • It also has the same design as Captain America's shield, only with a S.H.I.E.L.D. emblem instead of a star. In case you forgot that Coulson is a Rogers fanboy.
• Daisy corrects Hive when he calls her Skye, saying that it isn't her name. (Ward never did learn about Daisy's family.) Hive's confusion completely makes the scene.
  Hive: It's a shame [Coulson] doesn't know how strong you are, Skye. But your home is with me, now.
  Daisy: It's... it's Daisy. My name is Daisy.
  [Beat]
  Hive: Grant knew you as—
  Diasy: Well, I changed it. Or... I guess you can say I found it.
  • And then Hive considers and nods, as if in approval.
• Mack instantly says he understands why people wouldn't want to open up to May, much to her annoyance.
• Ever wonder just how rich Gideon Malick was? Hive used a little over a tenth of his personal wealth to buy HYDRA's newest base:
  James: You bought us a house?
  Hive: No... I bought us a whole town.
• Mack figures out Fitz and Simmons' Relationship Upgrade, thanks to how often Bobbi and Hunter pulled the same trick of pretending their comms were acting up to keep him from listening to their personal conversations.
• Fitz tries to talk to Simmons about the kiss they had the previous night, but they're surrounded by other agents on the Zephyr One, so they try to keep it as formal as possible, before Simmons addresses the elephant on the plane.
  Fitz: We should consider all variables as we move forward, because things are bound to get... complicated.
  Simmons: You mean once we have sex?
  Fitz: ...
  May: [off screen] Simmons.
  Fitz: [walking off] I'll see you in the Quinjet.
• When Mack notes that Fitz and Simmons can't get into a club while wearing lab coats, Fitz and Simmons get real offended.
  Simmons: Well, do you think scientists only wear lab coats? Are we wearing them now?
  Fitz: Yeah. What, we walk around all day with goggles and gloves on, do we?
• While undercover at the club, Fitz is wearing the glasses with Deathlok's eye enhancements in its lens, allowing Mack to receive video of what Fitz is seeing in multiple spectrums. His reaction to seeing Anon's modifications?
  Mack: Guys, this woman has been heavily modified. In ways you wouldn't even anticipate. Man, I need to get out more.

Failed Experiments

• Fitz tells Simmons she doesn't understand how horrible it was for Daisy to act like his friend while she was pinning him to the wall with her powers. Simmons points out that this was because she was busy being creeped on by a guy who looks like Ward, pretending to be her dead boyfriend.
  Simmons: No, you're right, I didn't see that. I was much too busy listening to the disgusting face of Grant Ward act like my dead boyfriend.
  Fitz: [Beat] That's true. That does sound worse.
  Simmons: Right. If this was a competition then I would win.
• Simmons talking about how much Hive enjoys his monologues.
  Simmons: I had to shoot him three times to get him to shut up.
  Fitz: Bet that felt good.
  Simmons: It did, actually.
• Radcliffe's sheer befuddlement when Hive explains its philosophy, and its resulting frustration.
  Hive: The world fears our kind of power because not everyone has it. Only billionaires can build iron suits; only the military can make super soldiers, which can only lead to a war of its own. Whereas I plan to apply a more, uh, collectivist philosophy.
  Radcliffe: Does, uh, does that mean we can get started?
  Hive: ...Yes.
  Radcliffe: Right. Great.
• One S.H.I.E.L.D. agent tries to claim the biggest gun when they raid Hive. Another claims that Coulson promised it to her in her contract.
• After Radcliffe's first failed experiment, he objects to Hive that he could have gotten it right had he gotten the right ingredients.
  Hive: Are you implying the mistake was mine?
  Radcliffe: No. No, no. Well, yes, but it wasn't an intentional mistake.
  • He points out that he needs DNA from a living Kree, as the sample he got from Hive is from a dead host. A handsome, but dead host.
    Hive: If this were true, why are you just telling me this now?
    Radcliffe: I wasn't sure, I was swept up in the moment! I wanted to change the world! Besides, you're very frightening. [gets lifted off the ground by Hive]
• May's entire scene where she's pretending to be a HYDRA contractor to tease information out of James.
  Mack: I was just wondering if there was a chance this guy doesn't get his ass whooped.
  Coulson: Not a chance.
• After Lincoln goes behind everyone's backs to test an antitoxin on himself, he ends having an overload after taking it, destroying half the lab's computers and blowing a server. FitzSimmons are pissed at him, and take a little pleasure in his discomfort when he learns that to properly test the antitoxin, Simmons needs to perform a biopsy to acquire a proper tissue sample. Apparently, the easiest way to anger FitzSimmons isn't hurting the other half, it's messing with their lab.

Emancipation

• After Daisy has finished her blood donation for the day, Radcliffe says "drink this" and hands her... the jar of her own blood. They both visibly blink, and he swaps it with a jar of juice.
• Talbot freaking out upon being introduced to Lash.
  Talbot: Rasta-Hulk is your husband? I don't care if that thing used to be Gandhi. Why on God's crusty pie is it here?
• Talbot lampshading the MCU's use of comic book codenames, while discussing Hive and Lash:
  "And who in tarnation names these things?!"
• During his tour of the Playground, Talbot is brought to Lincoln's room:
  Talbot: Well, if it isn't the hothead who almost killed my bodyguard.
  Lincoln: What's he doing in here? I thought this was a germ-free zone.
  Coulson: Oh good, you remember each other.
• James gives us this line after the Primitives are revealed.
  James: I think you overcooked them, Doc.
• Talbot freaks out after he learns about Hive's existence. Then Coulson tells him to calm down, which annoys him.
  Talbot: Don't you tell me to calm down. I'm the one that tells you to calm down. [beat] How are you so calm, anyway?
  Coulson: [trying not to raise his eyebrows] I'm getting used to this sort of thing.
  • As Coulson and FitzSimmons are explaining how Hive was the basis for many of the myths about The Devil, Talbot asks if they're telling him that Grant Ward was possessed by a demon. It's mostly sarcastic, but there's a hint in his tone that indicates he's being genuine.
  • Finally, as Talbot says that they need to call in a military strike to deal with Hive, Coulson asks how his explanation would go when he mentions the Devil. Talbot is forced to admit that he would need to lie about that part.
• Toward the end of the episode, Lincoln reveals that he and May managed to trick Daisy into believing that Lincoln wanted to escape with Daisy, and fly a Quinjet carrying Lash to Hive's base, with the hope that Lash would kill Hive. Since they communicated by written messages with his food, they were able to do it without alerting Daisy, pulling it off without a hitch...except for the part where Lincoln was forced to zap Mack when he tried to stop Lincoln.
  Yo-Yo: What about the part about not hurting his friend?!
  Lincoln: ...you weren't supposed to be there, Mack.
  Mack: Excuse me for doing my damn job.

Absolution

• Fitz's extremely overblown voice test during the motion capture.
  • After they manage to shut down the missile launch, Fitz tries to high-five Talbot, but stops. Then he tries to pat him on the shoulder, stopping himself again.
• Radcliffe trying to get the Primitives (whom he calls "Ronald" and "Ronald 2") to help him override the warhead lock, with predictable results. And when he complains about not having the right tools for the job, they hand him some actual tools, which they're holding the wrong way.
  "Okay, so this is progress..."
• Mack and Elena's argument on how fast he works. Elena says it is basically "work, stare, work, then stare some more". When he says that not everyone has superspeed, she counters that he has "turtle speed".
  • Later, when he's telling her to hurry up:
    Elena: [in Spanish] He's lucky he's handsome.
• Giyera and James' utter confusion when Hive is suffering from having all his host memories come up at once.
  James: Dude. What the actual hell?
• Radcliffe's Delayed Reaction cheer upon capturing Hive. Everyone but Mack stares at him.
• Talbot says that he considered using the Inhumans in the plan to capture Hive to be "betting on WrestleMania" stupid.
• When Talbot tells Radcliffe that he needs to reverse what was done to the primtives, Radcliffe has this in response:
  Radcliffe: I can tell by your mustache that you're a man of much importance and not to be trifled with...
• While talking about their planned vacation, Simmons repays Fitz for his fake-out confession from earlier.
  Simmons: I'm going to do something on that island that'll take your breath away.
  Fitz: [stammering] What is — are you? What?
  Simmons: Snorkeling!
• While trying to bypass the security lockdown after the primitive gas begins turning S.H.I.E.L.D. agents into primitives, Simmons remembers Professor Vaughn's third year compiler theory to try and get Fitz out of the hanger:
  Simmons: I'm not an engineer. I hope I can recreate what you did there.
  Fitz: No, no, no! You saw me do it! You have a good memory! I mean, you do, right?
  • Later, Coulson asks what it is, and Simmons says "It's complicated".

Ascension

• When Simmons asks what happened to Elena (who was shot and needed emergency cauterization), Elena responds "Mack lit me on fire!"
• Coulson distracts Hive with a hologram, then once Hive figures it out...
  Coulson: I've always wanted to do this. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
  • Meta-City here as by the filming of this episode, the Star Wars, Marvel franchises, and the network that Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. airs on in America, are all owned by the same parent company in Disney.
• Coulson describing Hive as a "Ward Reboot Nightmare Hellbeast".
• During their fight, Hive tells Daisy that killing him won't make the pain go away...then pauses and adds, in genuine confusion, "Or will it? I don't remember," since he's still recovering from the mind-whammy of the memory device.
  • A bit of Black Comedy from the same fight — Daisy viciously and repeatedly stabbing Hive in the chest, only for him to ignore it and calmly keep talking down to her.
• James has one teensy problem with Hive's plan:
  James: So, uh... when we blow this thing, three continents worth of people are going to end up looking like these buggers, yeah? [Beat] ...Even the ladies? Look, I don't wanna seem ungrateful, y'know, pumped to be changing the world and all that, but down the road... can we still look at tweaking the formula? I've had some not-so-golden girls in my time, y'know, too much booze in the mix. I'm just trying to manage expectations moving forward.
  • In the middle of the above speech, James looks over at one of the Primitives, who seems to hang his head sadly as if he's aware that James just called him ugly.
• Radcliffe geeking out about Coulson's artificial hand.
• Radcliffe praises Fitz-Simmons by saying that, together they are so smart, clever, and innovative, they're like a younger version of himself.
• Coulson, Radcliffe, Mack, and Elena make it back to Coulson's office and find Simmons hiding there, who pitches a chair at them as soon as they come in. Coulson dodges it narrowly.
  Simmons: Oh, thank god!
  Coulson: Thank god you missed!
• When Radcliffe realizes that Simmons turned on the heat to blind the primitives because they see in infrared, he declares that they can just walk out the door without fear of the primitives:
  Mack: So you want to go out there on a hunch and hope those things don't rip us apart?
  Radcliffe: It's not a hunch, it's science!
  [Radcliffe heads toward the locked door]
  Radcliffe: [under his breath] It's a science hunch.
• Coulson tells Hive why he's there on the Zephyr.
  Coulson: I'm just here to offer a helping hand. [holds up his artificial hand] Pun absolutely intended.
• There's a surprising amount of meta Black Comedy to how Yo-Yo's cross keeps getting passed around to different people. At this point Jed Whedon is just trolling the audience with who is supposed to die in the episode.
• Fitz shooting Giyera with his invisible weapon is definitely an Awesome Moment for him, but it becomes absolutely hilarious if the viewer is familiar with a certain popular online series. Fitz actually shot someone with his invisible gun!