Funny / A Man of Iron

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Warning: Spoilers Off applies to these pages. Proceed at your own risk.

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A Man of Iron

• Tony's arrival at Winterfell. And his interactions with his retinue and Tyrion Lannister. Beware for the snark is flying thick and fast!
• The "Altercation" between Thorne and Tyrion. The dwarf feels unsatisfied about the denomination and tries to think a better one - but the "Pruning of Thornes" sounds very much like a Tyrell battle and "The Lion and the Jackass" feels more like a song...
• Pepper reaches her patience's boundaries and takes an axe against her husband's workshop's door. Apparently, that's not the first time.
  • Before that, informed Tony has been locked up in his shop for two weeks, Pepper calmly tells the cook to hold her food as "I'm going to murder my husband" and states she'll no doubt be quite hungry afterward.
• Tywin Lannister's reaction when a flying magic knight crashes Lord Oaker's feast is getting pissed because the knight is wearing Lannister colors.
• Ned Stark's daughters' reaction to the Iron Man: Sansa becomes a full-blown fangirl while Arya is sure the mystic knight is actually a woman.
• When it's suggested Tony Stark could be the Iron Man, Robert Baratheon and Ned Stark look at each other and burst out laughing. The entire Small Council is disturbed by the spectacle of "the grim and brooding Lord of Winterfell cackling like a drunkard too far in his cups".
• Tony swearing by the Old Gods, the New and Slightly Used/Middle Aged. As blasphemous as it is smirk-worthy.
• One chapter opens with Samwell telling Tyrion that "it could be worse." Tyrion asks what could possibly be worse than being chained up and dragged to the Eyrie by Catelyn Stark and a bunch of sellswords, all for a crime he didn't commit. After stammering, Sam finally points out "it could be raining" and Tyrion has to laugh.
• Tyrion asks Bronn and Clynt how much they would pay to see him as a member of the Night's Watch fighting a Walker.
  Bronn: I suppose that would depend on how long the fight lasts.
  Clynt: I would fear such a fight. What if the Others took a liking to you and began to emulate your ways? The Seven Kingdoms would be out of wine and whores in a week!
• Tyrion's Rousing Speech to Samwell when the wildmen assault the encampment: "Do you fear death? More than anything? Then forget everything else you are afraid of and fight!" Quite simple yet efficient.
• Ned attacks his cousin Tony while the latter is showing off a copy of the Iron Man's armor, under the false assumption he's the knight about to attack the king. Robert thanks him for being so eager to defend him but adds Tony would be more threatening in a drinking contest.
  Varys: Oh, how simply dreadful. Swordplay in the Small Council!
  Littlefinger: I think I heard that song once in a tavern.
• Ned mentions that when he was fostered in the Vale Jon Arryn would punish him and Robert by making them assist the seamstress... and she'd have them model dresses for her. He still has nightmares of Robert asking if a dress made his ass look fat.
• From chapter 22:
  A cunning man would have broached the topic carefully, with subtly.
  Ned: Are you the Iron Man?
  Ned was not a cunning man
• Apparently Robert was so mad about Dany being pregnant that he wanted her baby's head brought to him on a spike. He even asked Renly to see about buying a little baby-sized spike.
• Tywin rages he has to be cursed because he cannot find a rational explanation to his children's stupidity. Even worse is the fact Tyrion was the only one to properly react. Kevan almost does a Double Take when his older brother complains about it.
• Clynt rejoining Tyrion's crew as Bronn's friend. That's all.
• Set to defend Tyrion for a second "trial," Clynt faces a hulking knight... and takes him down with a single arrow.
  Clynt: Well, that was dull. Who wants lunch? I'm thinking ham, myself.
  Bronn: At least I gave them a show.
• Tony's attempt at a Badass Boast before heading to a rematch with Gregor sputters out as Jon just finds the very comic book-y speech weird in this low fantasy setting.
  • Made better by the fact that, when Jon demands that Tony let him help, Tony immediately agrees, surprising Jon, who had been prepared to make his own speech to convince Tony.
  • Hilarious in Hindsight: Game of Thrones had some time later a scene between Davos and Gendry, where Gendry immediately accepts going out on an adventure before Davos has the chance to make his speech.
• Tyrion remembers Twyin's reaction when he received word of what's happened at Ned's attempted execution was to immediately grab a glass of wine, down it one gulp and demand more. Tyrion notes it's the only time he's ever seen a resemblance to his father.
  • It's also mentioned that Kevan was so shocked that Tyrion had to refill the glass himself. Three times.
• Varys meets with Gerion!Nick Fury and it is revealed there is a version of the Ultimates/Movieverse Nick Fury in this world... only he is a giant copycat who wears an eyepatch like Gerion just to mimic him. Gerion mocks how he claims to have this secret backstory for why he wears it.
• When Sandor volunteered to stand guard over Sansa, His Royal Dickiness Joffrey refused to let him do it. The Hound made him quickly change his mind by marching to the boy and looming with his most ferocious Death Glare. Sandor's pretty sure Joffrey pissed his pants then and there.

A Crack of Thunder

• Jane bemoans human stupidity such as putting your milk tooth on your doorstep because the Tooth Queen will give you a shiny new copper for it. When her father points she did exactly that, Jane retorts she needed the copper to buy treats.
• Mellisandre's idol burning is interrupted by Thor, who proceeds to run roughshod over the whole thing and insists on a misconception that Jane Seaworth is the true ruler present, as the only one who didn't cower at his arrival.
  • When Thor lays eyes upon Jane, he confuses her with his missing brother Loki, which pushes Jane to ask if Loki often prances around in a dress. Thor merely answers she would be surprised if she were to meet a drunk Loki.
    • How does he come to realize that Jane isn't Loki? He grabs her breasts and feels them up, exclaiming they are magnificent and Loki doesn't have breasts like those.
• Upon arriving the Red Keep, Tyrion meets Joffrey and asks where Cersei is.
  Joffrey: Off with the Small Council, doing the boring, tiresome things they love to do.
  Tyrion: You mean ruling the kingdom?
• The court of Iron Pointe react to Tony being named acting Warden of the West:
  • Pepper faints.
  • Happy panics.
  • Jarvis merely shakes his head.
  • Jon doubles over and laughs so hard Tony thought he'd shit himself.
    • Later, Pepper acts as a kind, supportive wife. She hits him and tells that Tywin must know he is Iron Man, him being made acting Warden must be a trap to expose him, and they should run away. Tony suggest flying. She hit him again. Jon kept laughing the whole time.
• Tony likes it when Rhodey takes on four men at once with his big thick sword. He immediately realises that That Came Out Wrong.
• An Ironborn bandit tries Shooting Superman, which devolves into an Overly Long Gag as he fires every arrow at Iron Man, then hits him with his bow until it breaks, and finally uses his bare fists. The whole time, Tony just stands there downright confused at the display, and finally Rhodey openly calls him by name as there's no way the guy is walking away from this.
• Tony attempts to talk Rhodey into letting him make armor for him but Rhodey refuses to take any part of it preferring to stay on the ground and walks away. Tony then asks another nearby if they want any armor. Their response?
  Sheep: Baaaaaa!
  • And Tony seriously considers making armor for it before going off and leaving it.
• While sneaking into Kings' Landing so to avoid attention Bronn and Clynt tell Tyrion that if a mob gathers on them they'll claim that they had captured Tyrion and give him to the mob and even help them kill him.
  • Bronn also trolls Sam by saying that any angry mob coming after Tyrion would probably also "treat him like a squishy woman", but reassures him that at least Bronn and Clynt won't take turns.
• Tyrion thinks that he could tell that Joffrey was evil even as a baby, one of the ways being that he could "shit himself so hard that it would get everywhere".
• Pycelle states that there's a perfectly logical explanation for Sansa returning to life. Tyrion incredulously asks what it is, only for Pycelle to slip into his senile old man act and "forget" what they're talking about, causing Tyrion to grab a wine bottle and drink straight from it.
• Cersei's gold hand is encrusted with diamonds. Tyrion can only roll his eyes that she even turned a disability that she's horribly ashamed of into an ostentatious display of wealth.
• Catelyn says she's figured out who Iron Man and Centurion are and Ned accepts it, saying she has to keep it quiet... unaware that Catelyn thinks Iron Man is Benjen and Centurion is Jory.
• Ned thinks Walder Frey is the kind of man who would clean a castle with a mangy cat at his side while yelling at the children breaking the curfew.
  • Robb is happy to learn his wedding with a Frey girl will be held in the camp, because he doesn't feel the Twins would be a good place for a wedding.
• Pepper had a nightmare in which she blurted the Iron Man's Secret Identity in front of Lord Tywin and King Joffrey. Then Jon (wearing a white Kingsguard's cloak) remarked with Tyrion's voice that she was naked and her septa would give her a test later, so she better be prepared. She stopped eating Essosi hot peppers afterwards.
• Phylyp enters the dining hall, out of breath.
  Tony: Whoa, slow down there! What happened? Did the New Gods finally show up and tell everyone "You idiots, stop killing each other in our names, we don't care"?
  Phylyp: Ship… spotted offshore… sailing toward Iron Pointe.
  Rhodey: Ironborn?
  Jon: Stormlanders?
  Tony: Alyson Blarre finally returning from Myr to entertain us with new songs? (The others stare at him. He shrugs.) What? I saw her perform once in Highgarden... she was dazzling.
• According to Tony, one time on a bender, Oberyn tried to sell him as a sex slave.
• While preparing for Oberyn's arrival, Pepper does a final check of the guest room, and finds Tony's new pet sheep in there. She orders the servants to get rid of it, before Oberyn sees it and mistakes it as a hint.
  • Tony insisted for Jon to change again because their clothes made their Strong Family Resemblance really apparent and he didn't want for Oberyn to get an idea.
• Jon's reaction to meeting Oberyn.
  Jon: By the Gods, he's the Dornish Tony.
  Oberyn: Tony is the Westerland Oberyn! Please get it right.
• The sheer speed which lets Jon start as horrified when Oberyn drops the "wedding contract" bomb - wait, I'M getting married? I never agreed to that - before switching to full-blown rapture when he gets to see his intended bride - Old and New Gods, a redhead knock-out who kicks ass? SIGN ME IN! Kinda reminds Edmure Tully's reaction when he first saw Roslin Frey.
  • The author's notes point out that Jon is now betrothed to a very hot, very smart redheaded Action Girl who is known for wearing skintight clothing in the main continuity, and that "Canon Jon hates my Jon now."
• Tony kills the mood of Jon's betrothal to Black Widow by pointing out that her nickname doesn't exactly raise hopes about married life.
• Gendry asks Arya if she knows whether Mystique is into men or women. Then he shows he lacks knowledge on the female anatomy, which Arya lampshades. Gendry asks if she is offering.
  • Arya mentions the conversation is not one to talk to a lady with. Gendry replies that he will stop if she sees one.
• Jane is surprised when she realizes that, when Thor said they would be feasting for seven days, it was Not Hyperbole.
  • Thor was told that Dragonstone was running out of food and ale, so he picked up his hammer and flew out of the window. Stannis promptly grabbed a tankard of ale and drank it in one sitting. One hour later, Thor was back with a massive stag... and told the cooks he had left a dozen more at the gates, along with a score of pigs, several swordfishes, three goats and enough chickens to stuff all the beds in Dragonstone with their feathers. Oh, and the ale from every ale house within a day's ride of Dragonstone.
  • Melisandre offers Thor the chance to feel her up so he will see that her breasts are superior to Jane's. Jane briefly considers ripping her dress off so Thor can have another chance, just to shut Melisandre up.
  Then she’d realized just what she’d been thinking and instantly gone to pour cold water over herself.
  • Just later, Thor praises (again) Jane's magnificent breasts. Jane does not know if she should smirk at Melisandre.
• Thor offhand mentions how Rhaegar and Lyanna were actually in love and even wed. Stannis, Jane and the others are rocked to realize the Rebellion was built on a lie and start thinking on how this would change the world, how this would shift all... when Thor suddenly talks of how Rhaegar would have succumbed to the madness of his father and that it was good of Robert to take the throne. The others then note how "it wouldn't really matter in the greater scheme of things."
• When Thor asks why Stannis wants the throne, Melisandre says it is because he wants to honor the Lord of Light. Thor asks whether her Lord Light lives nearby.
• Thor candidly admits he always thought this quaint Midgardian custom of bedding your own relatives was weird. Hindsight makes it even more hysterical since Thor then proceeds to seduce his own niece - by adoption, but still.
• Jaime, still not having seen any of the Marvel stuff himself, asks if Ned is going to ask him to believe in a girl and her army of squirrels.
• After seeing Dany breathing fire, Logan asks if she can shoot fire out of her arse too. Her laugh accidentally burns Jorah's shirt.
• Theon complaining about the "duck face" that Margaery makes when upset. The author acknowledges this is a deliberate dig at an acting quirk of Natalie Dormer's that drives him nuts.
• Tyrion's self-enforced celibacy makes him get aroused at the sight of curtains folded in a certain way.
  • After complaining about his chastity driving him nuts, he asks Bronn to bring him Sam - not for that, damnit!
    • Bronn's reaction to the request. He pauses before letting out a horrified "...no!"
• Sam has certainly caught some of Tyrion's Deadpan Snarker ways.
• Tyrion finally comes up with a name for "The Altercation": "The Flail And The Lion".
• Tyrion knows better than to try to spread false rumors about Shireen - because then Jane Seaworth, 'The Stranger's Daughter', will come and carve him.
  • Tyrion also paid people so they would tell him multiple times about how Jane got Joffrey lashed by Robert.
• Catelyn Stark is not the only one with Entertainingly Wrong opinions on the identity of Iron Man: Tyrion believes it is Ser Brynden Tully, and that Centurion is Edmure Tully.
• To attend Tyrion's dinner, the Night's Queen in Sansa's aged up body is wearing a dress made for a girl who was only just beginning to hit puberty — on a woman who's several years older than that. The dress can't be fastened up all the way in front so her breasts are on full display and everyone can see the edges of her nipples. Tyrion muses that thankfully, the hem has been adjusted so that at least her feet and ankles aren't exposed.
• Tony and Oberyn are really invested in planning Jon and Natasha's wedding. Poor Jon tried to moderate them without avail while Pepper outright smacked Oberyn when he proposed something to race greased whores.
  • Jon also wonders if, with how invested the two are in it, they had forgotten that they were planning Jon and Natasha's wedding and were now planning their own wedding.
• Yes, enchanting a metal suit to go hurtling through the air and fight crime can be a stabilizing influence. Just ask Jon.
• Natasha has a rather dry wit, seen when she reveals that tying a man's intestines into knots for trying to rape her got her point across to all the other men nearby.
• Tywin's reaction to the mess happening in King's Landing? Order his council out, grab a sword and hack a training dummy into pieces. The idea of the usually cool Tywin Lannister having to blow off steam like this just from a letter is hysterical.
• When Jaime (actually Mystique disguised) arrives to Harrenhal accompanied by two "squires" (Gendry and Arya) Tywin points out that one of them is a girl. Jaime replies he could not leave her behind, since she looks so pretty next to the short one (Arya). Gendry glares at Jaime.
• When Tywin states he's made Tyrion Hand of the King, Jaime aka Mystique muses "of the two of us, you look like the fake right now."
• The way Mystique is able to convince Tywin she's Jaime, by keeping to the Kingsguard and Tywin noting that "only his real blood would be so stupid" as to put honor above wealth and power.
• Robb tells Roslin he was tired of sitting in the hall and brooding "so I decided to take a walk and brood."
  Roslin: I suppose that is as good as we'll get. Do you agree, Maester Luwin?
  Luwin: It is a good start. King Eddard was known for brooding in his solar for hours at a time. We are lucky your husband broods while roaming about the castle.
• In a darkly humourous way, the Night's Queen complaining to Sandor that Cersei annoys her and Joffrey disgusts her. Not even a Humanoid Abomination can stand those two!
• Tyrion sends his nephew to bed with Pycelle and Cersei helping him over Joffrey's protests. Still hilarious AND awesome.
• Poor Theon practically has a breakdown when he meets Thor, the basis for the Storm God, who reveals that the "Drowned God" is actually a friend of his who only got the name as a joke after Sif dunked him into a pond when he tried to bed her during a party. Thor, meanwhile, just happily greets him as "one of Aegir's men, happily slaps him on the back, and leaves him just short of gibbering.
• In Theon's POV, it's noted that Jane has a look on her face which says "what am I doing here?"; when it later cuts to Jane's POV, the first line is her asking herself the same question.
• Jane's snide remarks about Renly throughout his parley with Stannis.
  • The kicker being her reaction when he pulls out a peach from Highgarden for his infamous "Peach speech" from A Clash of Kings.
  Jane: ...What the serious fuck?
  • Then Thor snatches the peach from Renly (thinking it was being offered), and has him hold his hammer, which drags him off his horse and leaves him in an undignified slump on the ground.
  • Then, Renly makes the fatal mistake of calling Jane a whore, Thor snaps and responds with fully fledged epic thunderstorm, one that spells out his name in scorch-marks. If the latter were not enough, Theon's terrified reaction in the background, screaming, "DON'T ANGER THE STORM GOD", before galloping for his life, is hilarious.
• The omake of Jon and Natasha's wedding, wherein they complete the ceremony by killing Lancel Lannister, and then celebrate by urinating on his dying body.
  • Plus, the whole reason it exists is that Mr. Chaos made a typo of "kill" instead of "kiss," which got him thinking that this really wouldn't be out of place in this particular setting.
  • Natasha does the deed by grabbing Lancel in a hug and whispering "The Martells send their regards".
    • Oberyn begins crying, proclaims that he's just so happy!
• The Night's Queen referring to Margarey as "this generation's Cersei." Tyrion can't help grinning at the angry look on his sister's face.
• Tony complaining about Pepper ordering him not to make bawdy jokes about Jon and Natasha's first night together. To his pet sheep. Which is getting drunk on wine (which judging by Tony's reaction is apparently a common occurrence).
• Jon appears at breakfast after his and Natasha's wedding night, and is quite open about how well it went. Tony expresses his surprise that he is so open about it. Jon replies that Natasha told him to brag.
• When Tony tries to reassure a nervous Happy by sarcastically asking how many people die in chariot races, Happy replies that he looked it up, and found that one in seventeen races in the previous year ended with deaths. When Tony counters by asking how many were dashing rich men named "Tony", Happy says two; Tony's not sure if he's joking or not.
• Tony invents the Egg McMuffin. And calls it the Tony Stark, as he sucks at naming things.
• When Natasha sees Jon don his backup Centurion armor, she says that if he saves her father from the attacking Ironborn she'll "fuck [him] in the armor", leading Jon to momentarily wonder which of them she means will be wearing the armor.
• After their victory, Tony snarks the wedding would have been hailed as a success by the Dothraki - much more than three deaths, to be sure!
• Stan Lee makes his cameo, in a copy of the one from Captain America: Civil War as he mispronounces Tony's name.
• Dany compares Logan's favored high-potency wine to acid. He muses that he hasn't tried drinking acid since getting his Healing Factor, and should try it.
  • When Doom is angrily listing the ludicrously complex rituals needed to go through to speak to the Pureborn, Dany is left flabbergasted. She notes that it sounds like something a demented writer would come up with in order to pad out a story.
• Arya passes the time at Harrenhal figuring out the best way to kill everyone currently in the room, and is continually frustrated at Tywin sending people away and bringing new ones in, forcing her to start over.
• The reason why Tony is no longer welcome in Pentos: he managed to poach the Prince's kitchen staff who followed him to Iron Pointe.
  • Even better, the head cook is an old grump who doesn't care about mincing his words, blatantly telling Pepper he would have left her "walking cock" of a husband to starve if she wasn't so gracious.
• When a servant knocks on Tony's lab's door while they are discussing the current situation, Pepper has the idea of mess up the lab so he will think they were having sex on one of the tables (so they won't see Vanko's whips). Tony is miffed that he did not think of actually having sex with her instead of showing her Vanko's whips.
• Tony apparently has the millennium puzzle in his lab.
• Ned and Cat's sheer confusion of the Lannisters' responses to their attempt to ransom Jaime, with Tyrion telling them to do whatever they want with Jaime, and Cersei suggesting they slit his throat. The two refuse to believe that the Lannisters would be stupid enough to fall for a fake Jaime.
• After Brienne and Theon arrive back in the Tyrell camp after having fought off Vanko, Asha and several other Iron Born, Lord Tyrell is taken aback by Brienne's state of undress, clothes ripped and covered in blood as she is.
  "Lady Brienne?" Mace asked, and despite what had just happened Theon fought the urge to roll his eyes and say "No, another nearly 7 foot tall green woman."
• When trying to reassure Robb that he's playing an important role despite staying in Winterfell instead of being in the field of battle, Roslin recalls something her father used to say, about the members of a House being like stones in a tower, with all playing a part in keeping it secure. Robb comments that that's oddly deep for Walder, with Roslin snarking that he has his moments whenever he's not "stewing over insults from 30 years ago".
  • Jojen describes a dream vision which showed him how things have changed in the timeline, and what's going to happen as a result, which is all very portentous. Then we get this in response:
  Robb felt a headache coming on.
• While beating up a rapist and giving him a "The Reason You Suck" Speech over his actions, Jon segues into venting his anger over Tony abandoning the mission. The rapist calls him out on how he seems to have issues unrelated to the current situation (and then, being Too Dumb to Live, suggest Jon leave so he can get back to the rape; naturally, Jon kills him).
• Jon makes an imitation of Natasha's Dornish accent. Natasha says he sounds like a farmhand who stared at the sun for too long. And then, she uses the magical words.
  Natasha: You know nothing, Jon Stark.
  • She then proceeds to (literally) take things into her hands to get him worked up into having sex with her there and then.
• Varys tried to sweet-talk Sandor into spying for him. Sandor answered by spitting on his face.
• After Daenerys arrives to Qarth, the Pureborn start dropping hints that they want Daenerys to follow the ludicrous rituals needed to ask for an audience with them, but Daenerys doesn't show any interest, so they send an emissary to find out why it - and she tells the emissary to follow an equally ludicrous list of "rituals" (such as buying booze for Wolverine) if he wants to speak with her.
  • One of those "requirements" is wearing the Hat of Messages. When Jorah asks where they will get a hat, Dany tells him to buy it with his first bribe. And take some Dothraki children so they can offer the most ridiculous suggestions.
  Daenerys: They can have the foolish blue slippers.
  • Daenerys also takes advantage of the emissary's lack of knowledge of Dothraki language to carry out normal conversations in front of the guy, who is clearly desperate to find out what the hell they are saying. She comes out as a pure Troll.
• Arya noting that every Lannister she's met (except Kevan) is either a prick or moronic.
  • Arya's joy at Tywin discovering that Amory Lorch has screwed up, as it now means she gets her favorite form of entertainment — watching Tywin chew out an incompetent underling.
  • Arya lets out a Cluster F-Bomb when she realizes that being at Harrenhal and being made to serve Tywin is a Secret Test of Character, much to Maester Maxell's amusement.
• Shireen still won't let Thor's initial confusion drop, and asks Jane if her being the Stranger's Daughter means she is the Stranger's Granddaughter.
  • Thor appears then with an apple, looking at the two of them with amusement. Mr Chaos confirmed he gave him an apple so he would look more like an asshole.
• When Jane mentions that Tyrion Lannister is a dwarf, Thor asks if he crafts treasures and weapons with magic. Jane lampshades how he also knows the magical kind of dwarves. This is even funnier when you remember Peter Dinklage played a Dwarf in Infinity War...who happened to also be about 20 feet tall.
• All the previous hints that there was much more to the Starks than what seemed, due to their inability to get drunk, turns out to be a spell Thor put on Brandon the Builder, a joke against him after he helped Durran Godsgrief (whom Thor calls "pesky little shit") build Storm's End, giving Brandon an Asgardian constitution so he would never be able to get drunk on normal alcohol. Thor is sure Brandon cursed his name at every turn.
• Shireen Baratheon being Moment Killer supreme by interrupting Jane and Thor's Big Damn Kiss, matter-of-factly telling them they can kiss later and pulling a flustered Thor with her out of the room.
  • When she's out of striking range, Shireen asks Thor whether, since Jane is her second mother, he is her second father.
    Jane resisted the urge to chase after the bold little shit that was her ward and smack her bottom with a slipper.
• Rhodey states he believes Cersei and Jaime as lovers because Stannis doesn't have the imagination to make up a story like that. "He is a plank of wood with a face."
• Tony once almost hired a fool who liked to dance and talk about floating things, but didn't because he was creepy and smelled like he lived in a sewer. That's right, Tony almost hired Pennywise.
• Just how Magneto bemoans human stupidity: every time he believes he hit rock bottom, he's actually in the highest tower of Oldtown and there's still so many stories to go.
• After Magneto uses ancient Targaryen Blood Magic Arya awakens to find she is now 17 years old and utterly beautiful... and she throws a fit because she isn't blue like Mystique or metal like Gendry. She admits she must look foolish but she still throws a hissy fit when at first she believes she hasn't gained a mutant power.
• Upon discovering she can phase through solid objects, Arya is ecstatic and leaping about, running around... only to realize she "phased" right out of her clothes and is stark naked in front of Gendry. Magneto resorts to giving her his cape so she can put on her clothes again.
• Chapter 37 has an out-of-nowhere shout out to American Psycho, as a group of Qartheen merchants are passive-aggressively arguing over who has the best personal flag. Daenerys, who is observing this, notes with some bemusement that the flags, and the men themselves for that matter, are all practically identical, rendering the entire thing petty and pointless.
• During their self-exile from Iron Pointe, Jon learns that Natasha is quite kinky. For example, one day she put all of their clothes in a chest and declared that they would spend the entire day naked.
  • Jon keeps interrupting Fury's dramatic proclamations, much to the latter's frustration. This includes the "There was an idea" speech from the first Avengers film, and the revelation of the Court of Others.
  • When they learn that the Ironborn are preparing to attack Iron Pointe, Jon suits up and flies away with Natasha being carried along... leaving Fury behind.
  Fury: No no, I'm good! I'll catch up... don't need a lift! Don't worry about me... you f-
  • Gerion gives a paraphrase of Fury's big speech from the first Iron Man film, saying he can't believe he's using the "fraud" Fury's line.
• Logan's reaction when Daenerys' group enters the House of the Undying and is immediately confronted by the illusion of a brothel.
  Logan: I can see why the warlocks never leave their tower.
• Deadpool makes his first proper appearance, and true to form speaks openly about how he loves being surprised by the story's author Chaos, and says to Dany upon seeing his horrific disfigurement "the moldy carpet matches the moth-eaten drapes."
• Jon barges into Tony's workshop to inform him from the Ironborn invasion, but Tony is not alone and the teen is wearing the Centurion armor. Cue this immortal exchange:
  Jarvis: Lord Jon... you are the Centurion?
  Jon: Uh... no?
  • Tony then tries, very badly, to convince Happy and Jarvis that they're dreaming.
• When Jon reveals that Natasha is a spy, Phylyp asks if they are doing the revelations now. Natasha informs him that Fury only outed her.
• The best place Rhodey found to hide the armor he took from Tony? Tony's workshop. Which leads to this exchange in which Tony calls Rhodey out on it:
  Tony: What if I had gone and cleaned over there... thrown that chest out! Or given it away! What if the local drunk had gotten a hold of it!
  Jarvis: I believe you're the local drunk, my lord.
  Tony: I am?
  Jon: You have a drink in your hand right now.
  Pepper looked over and saw that yes, her husband had somehow gotten a hold of a bottle of Arbor Gold.
• Happy losing it at the realization Tony is Iron Man, Jon is Centurion and Natasha and Phylyp are spies and wondering "how have I not known this is happening?!"
• Tony's way to point out that of all the three Power Armor wearing men, Rhodey is the only one who's still single:
  Tony: Okay, so no more talk about who hurt who or who is at fault for what or who is going to have sex with who... because to be clear I'm going to fuck Pepper once we're done with this, Jon and Natasha are going to have angry sex, and Rhodey and his left hand will have a nice evening-
  (Rhodey chucks a piece of wood at Tony)
• After Chapter 43's reveal of Davos Seaworth being Loki, a lot of the interactions in Dragonstone become more hilarious. Thor is pretty much romancing his own niece (not actually blood related, thankfully), Jane really is the Stranger's Daughter and Loki was probably having a kick at being so good with his disguise that not even his brother realized it was him.
• In the middle of the Battle of the Blackwater, Tyrion still has the time for a mental monologue on Joffrey, Cersei, and Jaime's faults.
• In a play on the classic line when Rickon identifies himself as "Star Lord", the Iron Born assume he means "Stark Lord" and point out that Robb is the Stark lord around here.
• Fighting with the Guardians of the Galaxy, Robb muses that Jon will never believe this as "he's been living a calm life in Iron Pointe."
  • There's also something hilarious about how befuddled Robb is by what's happening.
• Just hearing modern-day parlance like "Stressed" entering this classic fantasy world.
• Chapter 45's afterward confirms that Rickon as Star Lord does indeed still look like Chris Pratt, complete with American accent, and quite pities Robb's sanity having to deal with the Guardians of the Galaxy who make all the other stuff going on in Westeros look downright mundane. And he hopes in all that bopping around the galaxy, Rickon learned to not just run from arrows in a straight line.
• The fact that while so many people (Cat, Tyrion, Twyin, etc) are coming up with Entertainingly Wrong answers on who Iron Man and Centurion are and Robb thinking Jon is "living a quiet" life and Happy going crazy he had no idea any of this is happening... the people of Iron Pointe have known this entire time about Tony and Jon's identities and kept it quiet.
• Regarding secret identities, Vanko points he immediately knew who Iron Man is because Tony forgot to disguise his voice, and Rhodey actually agrees with him. Tony meekly tells he's going to work on this.
• Rhodey half-seriously suggesting Natasha decided to side with Iron Pointe because her brand-new husband Jon is just that good in bed. Tony is obviously quite peeved by the insinuation.
• Tony and Rhodey can't help bickering about who exactly saved who even as they're stuck in a precarious situation in a sinking ship.
• After everything she has seen in her life, particularly the last few months, Jane feels she has earned the right to be utterly floored by her father revealing he's actually Loki.
  Jane Seaworth: WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCKING FUCK?
• Loki spends the entire duel with Amora criticizing how rusty she's gone during her time in Midgard, nonchalantly dispelling her attacks or using them against her and pointing out that she was so lazy that she joined the easiest cult to become a member for, one that even Robert thought was a joke.
  Amora: I will be Queen of Asgard!
  Loki: You couldn't be queen of an island with only two people on it.
  • All the while, Thor clearly acts like he's Seen It All as his brother fights Amora, much to Jane's annoyance.
  • Loki asks Jane if she minds him explaining the truth to her while she deals with Amora. Jane replies that, as long as he keeps inflicting pain on Amora, she does not mind.
  • Thor grins when he remembers how he confused Jane for Loki, telling Loki that, yes, Jane's breasts are a lot better than his.
  • Jane quietly tells Thor she thinks Loki is more impressive than him. Thor whines and points out that Mjölnir allows for flight, which should be better. Shireen appears to disagree.
  • During his spiel about everything he's done in his past Midgardian lives, Loki reveals he was the one that wrote down the Pureborn's traditions and tricked them into thinking they were all their idea.
  • Loki as Davos spent a good part of Robert's Rebellion selling to both sides, sometimes even selling to one of them what he had bought from the other. Thor is appalled, until Loki drops in a reference to a Noodle Incident.
  • As her thoughts whirl in the aftermath of so many revelations, what does Jane think of?
  I kissed my uncle. Ugh.
  But not blood uncle so not so ugh.
  • As Stannis is dying by inches, he calls out Loki for only pretending to have his finger joints cut off and lying to him. Jane's jaw drops at his priorities.
  • When Brunnhilde comes down to take Stannis to Valhalla, Jane, used to Thor, expects noble words and bold proclamations from the Valkyrie. What does she get?
    Brunnhilde: Well? Are you gonna get up or what? Because I'm not gonna pick your bony ass up.
    • Brunnhilde tells Stannis not to complain, because it isn't as if Thor was the one to kill him. Loki coughs and Thor looks aside awkwardly, because he actually was.
• Jon would like for Tony to stop fucking his wife with his eyes. Tony argues fucking with the eyes is far preferable to any other way to fuck someone else's wife, only for Jon to tell he prefers Tony not fucking his wife at all.
• Fury asking to debrief Tony regarding the imminent Apocalypse causes the smith to complain because he just put down the crazy Ironborn, what can be so urgent?
  Fury: The Others have returned, the Night's Queen has taken over your cousin Sansa's body and trapped her immortal soul within while she manipulates King's Landing, and the rest of the Court of the Others is preparing a full assault against the North, the Night's King's first strike before he seeks to wipe every living being in the world.
  Tony: ...okay, admittedly that is eyebrow-raising.
• The omake at the end of Chapter 48 is about the aged-up Sansa, Arya, and Rickon meeting at the Inn at the Crossroads, commiserating on the shared experience (including how blue people were involved in all of them). At the end, Sansa makes a point of reiterating Mr. Chaos' statement that no DC elements will be added to the crossover... causing Deadpool to come out and complain that he's the only one who breaks the fourth wall around here.
• Ned's reaction to meeting Brienne in Chapter 51 is a nice bit of hilarious Dramatic Irony, given he doesn't know about Mystique:
  Ned: What next, blue women?
• The Iron Pointe group debating whose turn it is to Dope Slap Tony. With Phyllup saying they shouldn't... as Tony is so wounded right now he wouldn't feel it, so they should wait until he heals. Tony goes from saying how much he likes his steward to saying he hates him.
  • When discussing the Council's reach, Fury implies that Tony's pet sheep is an agent. Natasha tries to reassure him that Fury's joking, but doesn't sound sure herself.
  • Fury tries to explain how the Others work, but when he says that they're spirits who "possess Others", everyone thinks he means they possess each other. It takes a bit before he's able to clarify that they possess people.
  Tony: I heard a jest once that starts this way with a man named Hoo.
  • When Tony talks of the Court being a dramatic name, Rhodey dryly points out "the lord of Iron Pointe who deals in Iron could only come up with Iron Man?"
  • When told that Varys is a Council agent, Tony asks if he's even really a eunuch or if he has a Gag Penis, with everyone cutting him off before he can finish the question.
  • Everyone realizes they forgot to tell Happy that Jon is a Targaryen. Tony suggests they make a list of things they haven't filled him in on yet.
• Rickon enthusiastically dancing in the modern way — Robb is horrified by what he calls "fucking the air" while Roslin and Luwin are like bystanders watching a carcrash: completely horrified yet they can't stop watching!
  • Rickon starting to accuse Shaggydog of denigrate his dancing because the wolf has four left paws. Continue this way, mister, and you will be replaced by a scythe-clawed dragon! Seriously, the blue one looked nice...
  • Rickon playfully mocks Robb's fashion sense, before genuinely complimenting Roslin's. She notes that female Children probably taught him to never question a woman's fashion, with him alluding to a Noodle Incident after he made a comment about a Child's branch hat.
  • Once more, the fun of modern-day slang and parlance suddenly entering this fantasy world. Even better when he's asked to "talk normal," Rickon replies "I was about to ask you the same thing."
  Rickon: It must be crazy to know your baby brother is SO much hotter than you! Totally 10 out of 10 on the sexy scale.
  Robb: I know most of those words yet they still make no sense.

A Shield of Man

• Adrian is completely unimpressed with Tywin's messenger, blocking out most of what he says and not even bothering to ask his name.
• Daenerys takes great amusement in the inability of Kraznys to understand what she and Domino are saying, even as they openly speak of her plans to liberate the city.
• Arya and Sabretooth wanting to name Magneto's dragon "The Annoying Purple Asshole", while Gendry and Toad wanted to name it Tim.
  It had been decided not to let Toad or Gendry name anything ever again.
  • Said dragon, Lockheed, likes Arya better than Magneto. Because she feeds him scraps.
  • Arya gets flustered while staring at Gendry, leaving Mystique moaning at the idea of having to give her The Talk.
• Ygritte freaking out over the fact they're currently chilling out with a fucking Other. Steve's reaction is to tell her off for swearing.
• Ygritte's sheer outrage when Steve calls her a lady, since ladies just sit down getting fat and painting walls. Jeor pipes that his sister Maege is from noble birth yet doesn't do that — he still warns Steve to not call Maege a lady or she will break his face, Other or not.
  • Benjen mouthing the words "painting walls?" after Ygritte says this, clearly confused as to what she's talking about.
• Finally, Ygritte insists she's not scared of the Others. Steve's response: "Then you know nothing, Ygritte."
• Jeor and Benjen both do Spit Takes upon learning that Lann the Clever, ancestor of all Lannisters, was a dwarf. Much to the confusion of Steve, Mance and Ygritte, who don't know about Tywin and Tyrion's relationship.
• After Vanko's attack, Fury has all but become a permanent house guest in Iron Pointe. Tony keeps needling him about his freeloader status every second sentence.
• Pepper now has a second axe with sunstones. Tremble, ye mortals.
• Tony's new addition to the Oh, My Gods! list:
  Tony sent a prayer to the Old Gods, the New Gods and the New-But-Artificially-Aged-To-Look-Old gods...
• Joffrey showing how little he thinks of the thoughts of the Gold Cloaks voices the idea of appointing a cow as their commander and making them bow to it. While the mere idea of image of people bowing to a cow by itself is amusing, Tywin adds to it by asking Joffrey if he would send the cow after the small folk should they rebel.
• Tywin sends an order for Jon to join the Small Council as Joffrey's advisor. Pepper tried to come up with some ideas: Tony's favorite was trying to claim that Jon didn't exist and that Tywin was having delusions in his old age.
  • Jon suggests that he could take advantage of the situation to deal with both of their main problems. He still needs to work something on his plans.
    His plan was rather... blunt: kill Joffrey in cold blood then he and Natasha kidnap the Night's Queen, something something something everything is solved.
    Natasha had suggested they think a bit harder before rushing off to commit both regicide and an exorcism.
• When Tywin sends a letter, Pepper suggests that Jon and Natasha may have been ambushed, and even details how she would do it in quite a lot of detail. Tony wonders if he should be concerned that she's spent so much time planning how to kidnap someone.
• Pepper mentions she wants her new axe blunt and dull to make her work up a sweat while using it. Tony finds it terrifying and oddly arousing.
• Wyman Manderly's fame:
  [Tony]'d heard an old saying that one needed to count their fingers after shaking hands with a scoundrel but Wyman was the first person he'd met that made you actually wonder if you had started off with 10 fingers when you'd talked with him.
• Tony tries to say his mission to Braavos will be easy. Jarvis has to say something about it.
  Tony: Oh, I'll be fine. Find big bank, walk into big bank, leave big bank, get back on ship. Easy as can be.
  Jarvis: No offense, my lord, but I've seen you get lost in this very castle.
  Tony: That was-
  Jarvis: Last month.
  (Tony raises a finger to counter the point but is unable, decides to change the subject)
  Tony: That reminds me of the time Tyrion brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel.
• While everyone begins to prepare for Tony's travel to Braavos... Tony decides he might as well try to have sex with Pepper on the table they are eating at. And Pepper seems to be keen on the idea!
• Cersei dismisses the Dornish as having ever done anything worthwhile, while drinking Dornish Red wine.
• Cersei's entire chapter has some dark comedy in how it shows her truly and honestly believing she's the most skilled player around, she's expertly manipulating Littlefinger and Varys and has her father wrapped around her finger. You can imagine the former two men laughing their heads off in private at how sloppy Cersei's "manipulations" are while Tywin wonders how he got cursed with a delusional daughter.
  • When Tywin puts Joffrey in his place as a complete idiot and makes him back down, what does Cersei see? Her son "showing the strength of a king" and honestly thinking "he gets that from me."
  • Tywin threatening to cut off her budget, only to possibly go back on the idea - if only so she can get herself some new clothes to account for her weight gain.
• Upon hearing of a rumor that Janos Slynt claimed that he deserved a gold crown, Joffrey is incensed and calls for the man's death... only to be reminded by Varys, Littlefinger, and Pycelle that they are discussing him because he is dead, and that he had also spoken praises of the man, specifically "the most honorable of my men"... and also that he offered a reward for capturing his killer.
• Littlefinger offhandedly mentions a man named Kevan in Iron Pointe who's recently been making a killing designing sigils for new Houses. Yes, Kevin Feige actually exists in this story.
• A small moment of levity in an otherwise very dark chapter: while berating her crew into not giving up while they're lost at sea, Asha makes an example of the crewman who gave into despair and jumped overboard, stating that she's going to tell everyone he died shitting himself after eating a bad pinecone.
• Bran complains about having to sew, calling it women's work; this earns him the intense ire of Meera and Osha. Jaime tries to help by telling him that when women are this angry, the best thing to do is apologize even if you don't mean it. When Meera complains about this, Jaime apologizes, which Meera instinctively accepts without realizing it. Osha seems to find this Actually Pretty Funny.
  • When the group is arguing about Jaime's Arbitrary Skepticism, he pretends that Hodor is agreeing with him. This time, Bran is the one who finds it Actually Pretty Funny.
  • Jaime is constantly being shown up by Meera when it comes to wilderness survival after his years of the pampered Kingsguard life.
    Osha: How many did you set?
    Meera: We set eight.
    Osha: And how many did he set?
    Meera: We set eight.
• When a Lannister soldier wonder what Oberyn and Ellaria got up to in the room they took, Ellaria proudly claims that the two of them had sex on every piece of furniture in the room. Jon shifts and desperately hopes that the wet spot near his elbow is from spilled wine.
  • Drunk as he is, the same soldier wonders aloud if Oberyn was letting himself get fucked by Clynt and Jon. Oberyn actually considers the idea interesting, but Clynt and Jon immediately shoot it down - while Natasha openly stakes her claim on Jon.
  • When you have to fight for your life, it can lead to some interesting Improvised Weapons. Such as a cherub statue.
    Natasha: Did you just try and kill a man with a horny winged child?
    Jon: It worked?
    Clynt: It's a good day when someone can say something like that in Westeros and it makes sense!
  • Later on, Jon's fight takes him out of the brothel, and after stabbing his opponent in the groin (for insulting Sansa), said opponent tries to stab him - only for a certain someone to debut by shooting a gray-white material at the guard before scurrying UP a wall, leaving Jon completely dumbfounded.
  • The fight is scored with a song that seems like a heroic story about rescuing a prostitute from her abusive regular customer...until the narrator jumps out the window as soon as that customer actually arrives, and as he runs away hears the prostitute give him the exact same romantic speech.^note "Come a Little Bit Closer" by Jay and the Americans, aka the song that plays during Yondu's rampage in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.
• Brienne suggesting that Theon uses his boots as a weapon against the Lannister army — one whiff of the smell and they will run away immediately!
• After Brienne and Theon make a big show of bowing and saying "Your Grace," Ned laments he finally understands why Robert always scowled when people (including himself) did that.
• After an upset Brienne stamps her foot so hard, the Riverrun rooms shake, Catelyn dryly says she'd prefer Brienne doesn't destroy her home.
• Since in this story Theon (as far as he knows) hasn't seen Asha since he was taken by the Starks, he's hit with the awkward image of a little girl in pigtails leading the attack on Winterfell.
• Daenerys notes that the Wise Masters of Yunkai dress exactly the same as the Good Masters of Astapor, and wonders if they all use the same tailor.
• Domino is fitting in as "translator/assassin/advisor/amateur cook" with it mentioned how she managed to turn spoiled cheese and flour into a wonderful piece of beef...despite having no idea how she did it as she never even started with any beef.
• Deadpool, being himself, is naturally full of laughs. His Motor Mouth and random commentary leaves even the dragons staring at him in confusion.
  • Obviously, he has to start off Breaking the Fourth Wall:
    Deadpool: And for those curious that is W-I-L-S-O-N. I guess Chaos was too lazy to toss in a "Y" in there to sound more exotic.
  • Among the titles he gives Dany is "Servicer of Fans."
  • He repeatedly flirts with Grey Worm, leaving the poor Unsullied totally confused. Dany notes that it's the most emotion he's ever shown.
  • In the middle of a fight, he chastises Black Tom's choice of name, asking if it's meant to be ironic or if he's colorblind and doesn't realize he's not actually black. Then when Jorah kills Tom, he accuses Jorah of being racist, which quickly becomes a Running Gag.
  • Jorah and Grey Worm both impale Deadpool. He merely sighs in annoyance at having to repair his uniform again.
  • When he flirts with Domino, she threatens to remove his balls through his asshole. He comments that he's had that done before in Lys.
  • He quite likes Logan's superhero outfit and says Jorah should get one too, since he looks like a reject from Nilfgaard.
  • After he and Dany cut a deal, he asks if he can see her topless. She responds by letting Logan stab him, with the sound effect being the last word of the chapter.
• Jiffson Davis brought some unexpected innovations with him to King's Landing. Namely, the notepad and a primitive pencil.
• After all the effort and sacrifices Ned made to convince the world that Jon was his bastard, Tywin needs only one glance to instantly figure out that Jon is Rhaegar's son, thanks to the strong family resemblance — and then he still gets it wrong in believing that Jon is actually his half-brother Aegon.
• Steve belatedly realizes his companions don't have his ability to walk on top of snow, and offers to share it with them. Ygritte is outraged that he's only saying this after they've trudged through the snow quite a long way.
• Steve gets his superhero name of Captain Westeros... because Craster's wives misunderstand his long list of titles.
• Happy points out that if Tywin wanted them dead, he wouldn't have arranged the Blue Oyster fight, he would have had them killed on the road and made it look like bandits did it. Jon asks if Happy talked to Pepper before they left Iron Pointe.
• We get to properly meet Petyr Parker aka Spider-Man, and as per most incarnations he's a Motor Mouth who refuses to shut up during fights. Both Gwen and Miles call him out on this.
• Quite unexpectedly, Petyr, Gwen, and Miles apparently somehow all got bitten by wildfyre-enhanced spiders at once, which leads to some arguments over whether Petyr or Miles gets to call themselves Spider-Man, while Gwen just outright introduces herself as "the one and only Spider-Woman."
• In a Crosses the Line Twice kind of way, this time it's Sansa who takes up reciting a list of revenge targets every night.
• Jon apparently keeps imagining the knives singing to him to stab Joffrey. To the tune of "The Bear and the Maiden Fair" for some reason.
• Joffrey tries to mock Jon by having a roasted wolf served. Jon quickly fires back by making up a Dornish custom out of whole cloth that "dictates" the first cut should go to Joffrey — and gets away with it since Dorne is so foreign that no one save for Oberyn and his entourage (who go along with it for the sake of screwing over the Lannisters) knows it's fake.
• Olenna keeps making sex jokes, to Jon's shock and Mace's extreme embarrassment, which Jon figures is less to do with the nature of the jokes and more to do with the image of his mother having sex at all.
• During his conversation with Sam, an offhand comment makes Jon remember some of the extreme sex he and Natasha had while living in the hut outside Iron Pointe, and he has to remind himself that he's still angry at her.
  • After his outfit is ruined by his training duel with Sam, Jon decides to change into one that's identical except for color, just to mess with everyone at the feast.
• Just like in the MCU, Drax is Literal-Minded and thus keeps leaving everyone baffled as he misinterprets metaphors.
  • At one point, when Rocket has to explain the definition of "fun" to him, Drax demands that Maester Luwin bring him a dictionary so he can look it up.
  • He also apparently got into a fight with a rock he thought was evil.
  • When it's revealed that Drax was created from Brandon Stark, he goes on a happy tangent about all the things he wanted to do to Catelyn's ass.
• Yondu casually mentioning everything that's happened to Bran, Arya, and Sansa, ignoring how confusing it is for Robb. And then Robb is caught further off guard when Roslin has no problem with the Guardians dragging them along to the Wall.
• There's something inherently amusing about the fact that Arya detests being made into an object of desire, when she at one point openly stares at an equally uncomfortable and well-dressed Gendry, even starting at his broad shoulders and tight pants.
• Sabertooth knits as a hobby. No, that's not Toad taking Arya for a ride — he actually does it.
• Blob asks how Arya started a fight, noting she's "a troublemaker." When Toad points out they're all troublemakers, Blob just notes Arya is the worst. Seconds after looking like they were about to fight, Sabretooth and Deathstrike just nod in agreement.
• Arya takes exception to being called a child. When Lady Deathstrike dryly asks if she wasn't just asking "about Queen Tooth," Ayra meekly protests that if mutants are real, so could the Tooth Fairy.
• Cersei's second POV chapter continues the trend of dark hilarity coming from her egomania:
  • When a woman she's talking to makes a clever quip, Cersei convinces herself that she must have said it first at some point and the woman is copying her. So she forcibly repeats the comment.
  • The Running Gag of Cersei complaining that the servers are either under-filling her goblets or the goblets are too small, and clearly that's why she keeps running out of wine.
  • Sinister noting the dangers of inbreeding...and Cersei assume he must be talking of Tyrion.
  • For sheer Hypocritical Humor, Cersei says that Robert muttering Lyanna's name on their wedding night was a betrayal of their marriage vows, and notes that she said as much to Jaime that very night when she snuck away from a passed out Robert to have sex with him.
• Shireen mentions how Jane is a difficult student for Frigga to teach magic to. Not because she's a bad student like Amora was, but because she's so set on understanding a Sufficiently Advanced Magic that she annoys Frigga for refusing to just accept "It's magic. There's no need to explain it further".
• Hank notes Mystique's "sink or swim" teaching approach by quoting an old saying on "when one tosses someone into a pond to teach them to swim, they either end up with a corpse or a very angry student."
• To block the Sealord from reading her mind, Arya starts thinking about Hodor naked and jumping.
• Arya runs into Tony when he somehow washes up shore near her. When he sees her, he mistakes her for Lyanna. When she corrects him, he is shocked and asks, "How... how long was I adrift?!" He obviously thinks he's been lost at sea for years since Arya looks like a teenager now.
• Tony spends a rather long time convinced he's dreaming, as he's completely unable to wrap his head around Arya's Plot-Relevant Age-Up, much to her frustration as he keeps rambling a stream of consciousness to cope with the situation.
  • One thing he keeps mentioning is watching a man have sex with a horse. A bit later, when mentioning the improbability of Arya being a Stark bastard because Benjen and Brandon never had any, he goes off on a tangent about Brandon's old habits, and ponders if he was the man he saw with the horse.
  • Mystique demonstrates her shapeshifting to Tony by changing into her Valyrian form, but trolls him by leaving herself just as naked as in her normal blue state. When Arya states she doesn't want to see that, Mystique messes with her too by bringing up her wardrobe malfunction back in Harrenhal.
• Deadpool wastes no time getting back to work opening chapter 25.
  Deadpool: Man, it feels like we've been stuck waiting outside this wall for thirteen chapters!
  Jorah: What does that even mean?
  • Wade rather insistently tries to get everyone to make the duel for Yunkai a literal pissing contest instead. Later, when the Yunkish champion mocks Daenerys' group by taking a piss in front of them, they all agree to not tell Wade about it.
  • He insists on calling the author out with everyone assuming "Chaos" is his god.
  Deadpool: You're going to give him a bigger ego than he already has! He's just the being that created us all and controls our actions.
  Domino: That is the very definition of a god.
  Deadpool: Yeah but Chaos doesn't have a fancy hat. Everyone knows gods have fancy hats. It is known.
  Domino: ...no its not.
  Deadpool: Oh, but when Dany's handmaidens claim the moon is an egg and is going to hatch no one bats an eye because they say "It is known". Hypocrites, all of you.
  • Wade goes off on a tangent about wanting gerbils, and states his belief that Jorah is keeping several up his ass, to Jorah's utter confusion.
  • For his entrance to the duel, Wade makes several Second Sons sing "X Gonna Give It To Ya", much to their aggravation.
  • After winning the duel, Wade is annoyed to learn that he was just a distraction while the Unsullied take control of the city... until the others point out that that was his idea. He justifies it by having just taken an arrow to the head.
  • He briefly calls Jorah "Carlisle," Iain Glen's character from Downton Abbey (which Mr. Chaos was writing another long fanfic about at the same time). No one even reacts at all, implying they've long gotten used to this kind of thing.
  • Mr. Chaos calls out his occasional tendency for Purple Prose by having Wade say there hopefully won’t be too much of it to delay the siege further. This is immediately followed by a lengthy internal monologue by Daenerys.
• Sam pointing out all the women Eating the Eye Candy while Jon trains shirtless. When Jon asks if he should put his shirt back on, one of the women gives a Big "NO!".
• The omake at the end of Chapter 26, where Jon misunderstands what Tywin's saying and thinks that he's flirting with Jon.
  • The fact that this is almost word for word taken from Homer and Mr. Burns' conversation from Last Exit to Springfield.
• In Chapter 27, Robb having to deal with the fact that he is the Only Sane Man when joining the Guardians of the Galaxy (most of whom are his family). He even gets to drop in a quote.
  Robb Stark: I'm going to die surrounded by the dumbest people in Westeros.
  Roslin Stark: Reminds me of the Towers.
• Chapter 27's omake, which is yet again another reference to The Simpsons, this time to "Mr. Plow":
  Baelish: Your Grace, before I give you the coin to repair these two I have to ask... this place called "Mowes" you left right before the accident... this is a business of some kind?
  Robert Baratheon: (thinking) Don't tell him it's a bar, Jon Arryn won't let Baelish pay for the damages if he knows you were drinking! But what else is open at night? (out loud) It is a pornography merchant. I was buying pornography. (Slow Clap) Bravo.
• Tormund and Steve's first meeting.
  Tormund: Fuck me sideways and call me a dick biter.
  Steve: I'd rather not, no offense. You're not my type.
  • Also, Steve is still annoyed at how everyone keeps cursing.
• What's the one thing that everyone, Wildling, Black Brother and anyone else in the North on either side of the Wall agree on? Never... EVER... mock...Doreen, Queen of Squirrels.
• When trying to convince the Free Folk to join with the Night's Watch against the Others, Steve recounts how it happened before during the War for the Dawn, recalling how Brandon the Builder met with King Einridi and joined forces with him, and then fought each other... over the last piece of chicken, ending up rolling on the floor like children.
  • And Steve also mentions that King Einridi claimed he was "God of Thunder". Another Thor past life?
  • At one point, Einridi cursed Brandon's entire line to never be able to get drunk again. Benjen is surprised by that, while Jeor recalls the time young Lord Rickard Stark spent three hours downing enough Northern beer to kill a man. All he got after that was the world's longest bathroom break.
• Chapter 28's omake is another The Simpsons reference, this time to The Front, with Jon deciding to confess the terrible secret from his past (that he ate the decorative soaps in her bathroom) before confessing the other terrible secret from his past (that he never finished his lessons with Maester Luwin). Natasha's answer:
  Natasha Stark: Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. (beat) Oh, wait. Maybe it does.
• Jaime opens his second POV chapter with a whole speech discussing the long-held debate about whether Ser Duncan the Tall was a real knight, and how he feels on the matter... and it turns out he's talking to Hodor. When Meera walks up and accuses Jaime of mocking Hodor, Jaime replies that for all she knows, Hodor is a brilliant scholar who's just cursed to only be able to say one word.
  • And then it's revealed he's right - because Hodor is the form of Uatu the Watcher.
• Chapter 29's Omake (this time a reference to Marge in Chains) has Tywin and Kevan Lannister entering the former's private study in the Red Keep, which Tywin assures his brother no one can get in or out of, only to find Jon there, eating a sandwich.
  Tywin Lannister: Wha... who the devil are you?
  Jon Stark: (thinking) Don't panic, just give him a good story! (out loud) My name is Tywin Lannister. Jon blinks. (thinking) D'oh!
• Turns out Jaime has now also heard the story of Doreen the Squirrel Goddess. And remember that in the last book he'd actually sarcastically wondered if something like that would be coming next. There's also a story about her sleeping with the Storm God and the Drowned God, then beating them both up when they couldn't satisfy her.
• When Oberyn arrives to the Small Council meeting and learns that Joffrey hasn't arrived yet, he complains that he could have given Ellaria another orgasm. Mace quickly walks into another of Oberyn's japes, and when Oberyn clearly implies that he was giving some good oral sex to Ellaria, half the men are clearly mystified by what he's talking about - while the other half look at them, wondering how dense they are.
  • At one point, Tywin notices that Cersei was getting very invested in the conversation and couldn't decide if he should keep her and Oberyn apart, or bring them together and see if their alliance could be made stronger.
  • What causes Tywin to conclude it's one of the worst days of his life? Cersei openly talking about how unsatisfactory a sex life she had with Robert.
• Clynt tells the story of a famous knife thrower named Wyco who could defeat anyone in a duel. He discovered his latest opponent was a six-year-old child, threw down his knives in disgust and walked off....and then the kid threw a knife into his ass.
• When Varys makes a comment about being in Natasha's position, Clynt grimaces at the mental image of Varys being married to Jon. After a moment's thought, Varys notes that they'd probably make a good match.
• Natasha catching herself to avoid saying Winter is Coming to avoid the inevitable japes about her quoting her new house.
• Just as Varys starts to mention the Spiders, they swing by the window, with Centurion in full pursuit.
• Chapter 31's Omake now replicates Secrets of a Successful Marriage's poker game, with Robert taking Homer's role - including thinking so slow that it takes him hours to realize he was called slow.
• The Council members get a bit sidetracked discussing how Joffrey once drove everyone nuts with his insistence that the famous singer Alyson Blarre (ie, Dazzler) perform at his wedding against all logic, only to drop the whole issue just as abruptly.
• The Spiders swoop in to save Jon when the Vulture King's gang overwhelms him... and naturally descend into a side conversation arguing over their names again, much to Tombs' irritation at being ignored.
  • Spider-Man questioning the Shocker's choice of name, on account of not having lightning powers.
  • When Jon recognizes Petyr's voice, he badly tries to deny his identity only to accidentally expose Gwen's when she snarks at him about it. And then they both expose Miles' identity as well when he notes that his is secure and they snap at him.
• Chapter 32 has two omakes - one following Simpson Tide, with Varys presenting Ned and Arya with a drawing of Catelyn holding a sign that says "Fuck the Lannisters", and Hoster's declaration on whether Catelyn is a traitor - "My Catelyn is not a traitor. She may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a traitor... but she's NOT a porn star!"; the second omake follows Tywin and Kevan as they steal Oberyn's corpse a la Treehouse of Horror II - as they drag the sack out of the godswood, the not-yet-dead Oberyn stirs and Kevan notes he isn't dead. Cue Tywin beating the sack with his shovel and admonishing Oberyn for scaring Kevan.
  • The chapter even has another Simpsons reference in its main body, as Jon considers that the possibilities of Tony and Petyr working together might replace the whale in his nightmares.
• When Ygritte protests the idea that Free Folk ever lived in cities or acted like the very forces she fights, Steve can say just one thing.
  Steve: You know nothing, Ygritte.
• Ygritte once again mentions southern ladies painting walls. This time, it's Mance who has no idea what she's talking about.
• When Ygritte keeps mouthing off to the Night's Watch, Jeor notes that Mance is clearly fighting the urge to Face Palm, and is probably questioning why he brought her along. Jeor figures she would have followed them anyway - and then they would have had two idiots to deal with.
• After a while of everyone gawping at Steve when he shows off his Other powers, Maester Aemon reminds them he can't see anything, and asks someone to describe what's so impressive.
• Chapter 33's Omakes follow the trend:
  • Omake 1, from Raging Abe Simpson and his Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish": Cersei hires an assassin to have Tyrion killed. The assassin has failed his orders multiple times, and he claims "There is one more way to kill a man... but is as intricate and precise as a well played game of Cyvasse" - Gilligan Cut to him just shooting randomly everyone in the brothel Tyrion is at, before Chataya chases him out with orbs of wildfire.
  • Omake 2, from Treehouse of Horror III, has Joffrey sit on Ned and pulling on his tongue - when a maester comes, unzips (yes) the back of Joffrey's doublet and shows everyone Joffrey has a switch on his back, set to "evil". The moment he flips the switch, Joffrey quickly stops, claiming he loves Ned.
• When Natasha calls Jon revealing his identity to the Spiders the stupidest thing he's ever done, he teases her by asking if she's been compiling a list.
• Petyr hanging from the ceiling catches Nat off guard, because it's not something she ever considered having to check for.
• Drax continues to be hilarious:
  • He takes offense at the quality of a fight that two wildlings are having, because "poor fighting makes [his] penis soft". Robb can only stare at him in bewilderment.
  • He mentions a time he once had sex with a horse.
  • It turns out that the Child of the Forest who merged with Brandon was named Ashnuts. Drax is confused as to why Rocket finds this funny.
• Tony casually mentions to Arya that Sansa is possessed by the Night's Queen, because he was sure he'd already told her about that. She's not amused.
  • He and Toad bond over discussing crafts, causing Duke and Arya to leave them behind when it's clear their conversation won't end any time soon.
• Arya bumps into Theon and Brienne at the Sealord's party, with Tony popping up and Tyrion wandering over as well. This leads to them all doing a Rocky Roll Call, ending with Tyrion's companion T'Challa, who was feeling left out.
• Arya has to repeatedly explain her situation to an incredulous Theon, and is annoyed at his Arbitrary Skepticism, considering he's there with Brienne, who's green.
• Tony was once commissioned by Randyll Tarly to make a shield for his son Dickon, and ended up being chased off the Tarly lands under threat of beheading. He thinks it might have had something to do with mocking Dickon's Unfortunate Name.
• Tony's reaction to hearing that fathers treat their sons with respect in Wakanda is to ask if it's a magical fairy land. T'Challa responds by saying he's never seen one and casually suggest he's 476 years. Tony finds that Actually Pretty Funny.
• When Tony calls the Brotherhood a cult, it quickly triggers a playful argument about what constitutes a cult and who's in one.
• After Maria Hill snaps that Lannisters can't be trusted, Tony asks if she's Catelyn's daughter. Maria responds that her mother was a crofter's daughter.
• Chapter 38 opens with a conversation between Deadpool and the author about the latter's update schedule, which Sansa eventually breaks up so that the chapter can actually start. When Mr. Chaos questions how she's managing to break the fourth wall, she notes that her current condition leaves her a lot of free time; she then immediately shoots down Wade's suggestion that she lick herself.
  • Logan punching Wade in the throat to shut him up when he butts into Dany's conversation with the Great Masters.
  • Domino pours out her share of the wine that the group is offered by the Masters, in case it's poisoned... and a bottle of Arbor Gold suddenly drops into her lap from nowhere. While Dany looks around to see where it came from, Domino just shrugs and pops the cork.
• Chapter 39 opens with Adrian perched on top of the Dragonpit, about to start a villainous monologue with an epic pose... and then Phineas complains about the smell from the rest of the city, which Adrian agrees with him about, the two quickly moving inside.
• Much to the annoyance of Robb, the other Guardians, and the wildlings being held captive with them, Drax passes the time waiting to get free by continuing to endlessly talk about his past sexual exploits in graphic detail. Gamora in particular is upset to find out that one of these encounters is where Brandon got the idea for the name "Knight of the Laughing Tree" that he then suggested to her.
  • Groot is sent to find a key to unshackle them all, but due to being in his sapling form isn't smart enough to properly understand them, so keeps getting it wrong. This culminates in him arriving proudly carrying around a severed human penis, and no, that wasn't a misunderstanding — he has the key as well, but for some reason decided to grab the penis too.
• Ned is incredulous at Catelyn denying the existence of magic when they've both seen Iron Man fly. Cat says that's different but doesn't clarify how, with Ned sure she'll find an excuse to leave the room if called out on it.
  • Among the letters Robb and the Guardians left to explain things to Ned's is one from Drax/Brandon, who apparently kept getting sidetracked and at one point questioned whether Ned and Cat ever engaged in anal sex.
• According to Steve, Bucky described Brandon the Builder making the Wall so big as him Compensating for Something.
• Cressen reveals that even in the South, they speak of Doreen, Queen of Squirrels... except in their version, she's the Goddess of Squirrels, having ascended to godhood after having defeated all of the Seven in tests of wits.
• Shireen's peryton is named Loras for being a vain and rather arrogant mount. It was Jane's reasoning and Cressen acknowledges how fitting it is.
• Cressen and Shireen meet the Guardians. Hilarity Ensues:
  • Rocket makes a few disparaging comments to Shireen. She responds by staring at him quietly for a moment, and then punts him away. He's impressed.
  • Drax takes Rocket's comments seriously, and thinks that Shireen is a whore. This leads to him thinking about how he was once told by his father that he couldn't live in whorehouses because he wasn't a whore, with Gamora snarking that he might as well have been.
  • Rickon tries flirting with Shireen, leaving the others groaning at his terrible efforts. This triggers a Seinfeldian Conversation about whose fault it is for not properly educating him about courting, which in turn leads to Yondu going on about his relationship with his wife, leading to groans of discomfort from his descendants (and Rocket).
• When dismissing Jojen's dream visions, Jaime comments that he's had one about Tywin wearing dresses and singing to badgers.
• During the pre-wedding breakfast, Varys and Littlefinger are seated next to each other. Tywin notes that they can't seem to decide if they love that fact or loathe it.
  • Varys' gift is a tapestry depicting Joffrey as a heroic figure during the Battle of the Blackwater. Considering it shows him about 8 feet tall and built like the Mountain, Tywin isn't entirely sure it's actually supposed to be him.
  • When Paxter Redwyne presents Joffrey with a model of the ship being built for him at the Arbor, Tywin is struck by the mental image of Joffrey playing with the model in a tub.
• Deadpool continues to provide laughs whenever he's in a scene:
  • He states that the best way to deal with the Hulk is to either recruit Natasha to sing to him, or play melancholy music so he'll wander off down the road.
  • Saying he can't fight the Hulk because he'll be too distracted by arousal to fight. He then assures Grey Worm that this doesn't affect their relationship. Dany notes Grey Worm's bemused reaction and doesn't understand how the Unsullied can still be affected by Wade's actions by this point.
  • When "Astan" arrives outside, Wade orders him allowed in. Dany chastises him for giving orders... then gives the same one, to Domino's amusement.
  • Dany is confused as to how he's able to move his mask eyes as if they're real ones.
  • When Barristan reveals himself, and justifies his previous fealty to Robert by asking if no one else present has ever made mistakes, Wade pridefully says he hasn't. He promptly falls out of his chair by leaning back too much.
  Deadpool: Fuck you Chaos!
  • Wade is the one to restrain Logan when Bruce reveals himself as the Hulk... by hugging him from behind and grinding against him. When Logan gets free, he stabs Wade in the balls.
• A bit of Black Comedy: when sneaking into the Mandarin's mansion, Tony literally bumps into a Ten Rings cultist. The two blink at each other in surprise, before Rhodey suddenly stabs the cultist in the throat.
• While fleeing the Ten Rings, Tony shoots a blast that partially collapses a corridor, bottlenecking their pursuers. Naturally, when Rhodey compliments him on the strategy, Tony pretends that it was intentional.
• While lamenting to Kevan about Cersei's loss of looks due to her overindulgences, Tywin brings up how other women in their family who have aged more gracefully, but pauses when he gets to mentioning Gemna. Kevan teasingly asks if he wants to make sure she's not within earshot.
• When a sudden storm bursts out and everyone runs for cover, Tywin notices how fast Olenna and Pycelle can suddenly run.
  • Oberyn brings up something Wade told him - so he could tell someone else to pad things out while waiting.
  • After a drunk and angry Joffrey rants at the storm to stop, a particularly close lightning bolt makes him wet himself. Tywin sighs that at least with the rain no one will notice.
• Okoye discretely insulting Arya while distracting the guards at the Temple of R'hllor in order to signal her to sneak in. Arya is less than amused.
• Rhodey can immediately tell that Arya is related to Tony... because she's claiming that she has a plan when she clearly doesn't.
• Miles casually reveals that Petyr and Gwen are lovers, stating that their manse's walls are thin and his bedroom is right next to Petyr's. He then proceeds to tease them for several minutes, much to Jon and Natasha's amusement.
• Tormund tries to beat up a Night's Watch member, because he's annoyed that the guy insists on being called "Old Bert" despite being young. Jeor and Benjen explain to a confused Rahne that he's always insisted on being called that, even though there's no other Berts around and it's not a family tradition.
• After Steve recites in detail what the Casterlys did to his mother as his reason for saving sex for marriage, Rahne breaks the tension by telling Ygritte (who's been pestering him for sex) to use a pinecone instead. Everyone, even Steve, breaks out laughing over the mental image.
• The "Rhodey" who helped Tony rescue Pepper is revealed to be Mystique... after she first kisses him as Rhodey. Tony orders that no one tell Oberyn about this.
  • Pepper says she somehow figured out that Rhodey was a fake even though she didn't know that blue shapeshifting women were a thing.
  • Arya complains about the whole thing. Not because of watching two men kiss, but just anyone kissing Tony. When he protests, she cites his beard as the problem, and to his dismay Pepper only halfheartedly agrees with him when he defends it.
• Tony's reaction to finding out that Gendry actually is Robert's bastard:
  Tony: ...shit, Stannis was right. Pepper, I owe you some nice oral sex.
  Pepper: We... didn't make that bet, but okay.
• Mystique agrees with Tony when he comments that the Mandarin's ten rings are actually bands, but notes that "Ten Bands" isn't as good a name for an organization.
• When Osha asks why Westeros is called the Seven Kingdoms when it's really only one, Jaime admits that it's a good point.
• Jaime noting the absurdity of the fact that Summer is the one comforting him at one point.
• Euron met Qyburn at one point, and not only was the former Maester very interested in quizzing him on his sex life, he gave the Ironborn a list of breeding partners with some gold to facilitate the fucking. Even for Euron, it was very much a surreal experience.
• Daenerys is so dismissive towards the Masters of Meereen she honestly can't even remember what adjective they use as part of their title, and makes a note of acknowledging it during one of Gast's grand speeches that she barely pays attention to.
• Wade's first interaction with the Juggernaut goes down just like in Deadpool 2, complete with him geeking out over Marko's casual threat to tear him in half.
• Daenerys orders Hulk and Wolverine to kill the Juggernaut, calling herself the Queen of Meereen. Right after he declared himself King. The Juggernaut turns his attention to her.
  Jorah: Maybe you shouldn't have said that out loud.
• When Natasha went out in disguise to spy on post-Joffrey's death's King's Landing, Varys went with her... as her sister. Not only does he get more money, he actually attracts more lustful looks than Natasha.
• One of the whores who worked in Littlefinger's brothels took the place over and is now selling merchandise for his trial, including dolls of him where you can pick how he dies.
• Jon and Natasha are now back to being Insatiable Newlyweds. When Natasha plots out yet another way to punt the Lannisters off the Iron Throne, she gets derailed by the idea of fucking at the base of the throne.
  • A new entry in the Oh, My Gods! list: Interested in Trying New Things in the Bedroom.
  • Oberyn realizes what Natasha is thinking about, and has a "conversation" through the Language of the Eyebrows:
    Oberyn: You are my daughter. I want to fuck Jon too.
    Natasha: That hole belongs to me as well.
    Oberyn: ... I am so very proud right now.
  • Natasha getting aroused from watching Jon tear Littlefinger a new one.
• Littlefinger claims that Pycelle wears laced undergarments from Lys.
• After being reduced to a torso by the Juggernaut, Wade is carried around by members of Daenerys' group, who keep tossing him around when they get tired of him. And then they consider throwing him at the Juggernaut to distract him.
  • Then Wade claims that no one gets to vote on that unless he's pointing at them - and, since he's currently missing his arms, that means no one can vote. This makes the Juggernaut chuckle.
• While fighting the Juggernaut, Daenerys comments on his threat to rape her to death by noting that if she had a gold bar for everyone who said that to her, she could just buy the Iron Throne.
• Rickon's attempt to claim he has a plan for saving Robb just leads to an argument among the Stark members of the Guardians about who is the worst at coming up with plans. Much to the confusion of all the Umber, Baratheon, and Free Folk soldiers who don't know who they actually are.
  • Also, apparently the only plan Rocket could come up with was to "run away and get laid". All the wildlings and some of the Umber men agree with this.
  • Drax claims that men need erections to fight well, and defends the fact that women can fight just as well, but for them it needs to be their nipples, which is why they don't wear breastplates. When an Umber man asks if it shouldn't be their clitoris instead, Drax just laughs that the clitoris is a myth.
  • How bad are Rickon's attempts to hit on a very unimpressed Shireen? Cressen — who's out of practice since several decades, to the point he's basically asexual — thinks he's horrible.
• Jeor snarking at Red Skull to distract him, starting with asking if his cock is red too. Red Skull is so startled he can only muster a Flat "What" in response.
• Venom outright making a nonplussed face out of black goo as Drax is making crude jokes about Catelyn (the mother to Venom's current host). Even the Symbiote can’t handle the Guardians!
• As they prepare to start his Trial by Combat, Littlefinger continues to insult the Lannisters, with Cersei getting so fed up that she orders him arrested. One of the baffled guards has to point out that he's already been arrested, and Jon is sure he can hear an annoyed-looking Tywin asking the gods for strength in response.
• Tony bluntly tells Arya they're taking her away from the Brotherhood and not to struggle as Rhodey ties her up. Arya openly asks how dumb Tony is in trying to tie up someone who can phase through the ropes. Pepper smacks Tony on the head, asking how he never told her Arya could do that, with Tony saying he hoped Arya somehow forgot she could.
• Tony continues to press they're trying to save Arya...and she responds she already decided she was leaving, with Tony musing, "we need to synch our sneaky plans better."
• The omake at the end of Chapter 69 — the Mandarin is about to kill Tony and Magneto, and then The Mandalorian suddenly shows up and holds him at blaster-point, saying he's pissed that people keep getting their names mixed up.
• Despite Sansa now being a wolf, Robb still thinks his situation is weirder. Venom denies this.
• Yondu/Rickard manages to get one last parting shot against Ned trying to preserve his memory unintentionally. "REDECORATE THIS SOLAR FOR GODS SAKE!"
• When Drax claims that as Brandon he was working to seduce a guard to get out of the Black Cells, Ned quickly confirms to a curious Lyanna that there were no female guards. Yondu just as quickly says they'll never speak of this subject again.
  • Also, Drax is still obsessed with Catelyn's ass, and won't stop asking Ned about it.
  • After Ned has a very intense argument with Gamora about Jon, Drax comes in to complain about Catelyn not giving him a welcome home blowjob, before going off on a tangent about how in Essos some people like to shove rodents up their asses.
• Cersei spends an entire chapter daydreaming about what she'll do after being named Hand and Regent, such as arresting Jon. Cue Tommen upending her plans by naming Jon his new Hand and Regent.
  • The author notes reactions in the live read to how Jon's thought process during this is "no, no, oh God, no..."
• Since Ygritte became an Other, she and Steve have been engaging in scenery-destroying sex. Much to the chagrin of everyone else in Castle Black.
• After defeating Drax in a spar, Ned states only he can claim Catelyn's ass, much to Robb's disgust.
• Chapter 73's Omake is once more from The Simpsons... particularly "Bart the Fink", with Jon trying to cheer Tommen up like Homer tried with Bart. Emphasis on trying.
  Jon: (to Tommen) Don't let Tywin's death get you boy. People die all the time. (snaps his fingers) Why... you could wake up dead tomorrow.
  (Tommen stares at Jon)
  Jon: Well, goodnight!
• Qyburn's mental Deadpan Snarker responses to Cersei's every comment and action.

A Web of Lies

• The Spiders are now Jon and Natasha's squires and handmaiden. Which we find out when the three walk in them one morning, only to discover they sleep nude. Petyr is the only one of the three who doesn't try to ogle the older pair.
• Natasha trolling Gwen by giving her extensive and detailed tips on proper feminine hygiene.
• When Gamora and Catelyn come running to meet some unexpected visitors, they find Ned.
  Ned: You heard?
  Gamora: No brother, your wife and I have decided to run each morning. It's oh so wonderful exercise.
  Ned: You need it. You have gotten a bit doughy.
  Gamora: ME!?
  Drax: Ha! He says you have a fat ass!
  Ned: I actually didn't say that.
  Drax: Do not be ashamed though, sister! Were you anyone else I would get down on my knees and worship that pillow of an ass!
  Ned: I CERTAINLY didn't say that!
  • When Jane appears, Rickon begins to tell her what a lovely daughter she has. Yondu dope slaps him and tells him to save the flirting for later.
• Edd mentions to Benjen that his mother would always tell him every night "Good night Edd, good work, sleep well, the Mountain Clans will most likely kill you in the morning."
  Benjen Stark: And suddenly so much more about you makes sense.
• Daenerys and her council now have a list of food that can't be served - because Wade will always make sexual references out of them.
• When Doom visits Daenerys in Meereen, Wade begins to ask if the former's dick is also metal. Logan dope slaps him hard enough to crack his skull against the table, while everyone else (save for a shocked Doom) doesn't even care to check.
• Miles interrupts Gwen's inner monologuing, which he notes Petyr also does, except out loud. He then teases Gwen by asking if Petyr also does that while the two of them are having sex.
• When Petyr mentions working with Varys, Gwen points out how Natasha warned them not to trust him. Peter responds that it's fine, because they just had a conversation... and midway through this sentence, Petyr realizes that Varys tricked him into giving him information without realizing it.
• The Spiders interrupt Doc Ock's robbery of Tobho Mott's shop, and expect him to give some speech about how he's entitled to take what he wants due to some higher purpose. Instead, to their befuddlement, he just bluntly says he's stealing Mott's Valyrian Steel because he wants it.
• While stopping in Braavos on the way to Meereen, Benjen's group eats at a tavern that's basically The Theme Park Version of Winterfell, much to Benjen's disgruntlement. And then Ygritte gets even more upset than him when it turns out that the barmaids are all meant to be portraying Free Folk.
  • The barmaid serving the group takes everything in stride, stating that it's not even the strangest thing she's seen this week. When Edd questions why she's not weirded out by the presence of two blue people (Steve and Ygritte), she simply says "This is Braavos".
• During a Bar Brawl, Tormund shoves a candlestick up an opponent's ass just to prove he can.
• After Cersei makes a snide comment that Robert would have had sex with a wine cask if he could have, Olenna remarks that she's certain Brandon Stark once actually did that while touring the Reach after the Tournament at Harrenhal.
• Upon learning about Rickard Reed's ability to stretch any part of his body, Wade asks the "very important" question of if he can lengthen his cock. Dany just mentally sighs about how much she wishes she could be surprised by that comment.
• Worried no one in Westros will believe Arya's growth spurt, Mystique makes herself look and sound like a young Arya. Arya rants on how Mystique looks nothing like her snapping on how Mystique is far too pretty, her voice is too nice, not high-pitched and not muscular with ratty hair. Everyone just smirks at how Mystique looks exactly like Arya once did.
  Mystique: Arya, we are going to have a long talk about your self worth when this is done.
  • And it turns out, the entire impersonation was unneeded as, after Rickon's aging, Robb becoming Venom and Sansa reborn into a direwolf, the Starks are totally set to believe the stories Arya has suddenly aged so much with powers.
• Carnage-Euron stabs Ultron-Baelish in the chest, and is confused when nothing happens. For his part, Ultron keeps talking as if nothing happened.
• After Catelyn gives Ned a black eye while sleepwalking, Robb suggests that he and his father stage a spar to prevent people from wondering where the black eye came from.
  Ned: Aye, aye... that would be fine. There is no shame in one's son getting a lucky hit in.
  Venom: Lucky!? There is nothing lucky about Robb! His skill is beyond you all! Give him another black eye, Robb!
  • Venom is still upset about this when they leave a while later, saying to give Ned three black eyes.
  Venom: I don't know how, but we will figure it out!
  • Then Rickon suggests that they could just say Ned and Catelyn were having sex, to the disgust of both Robb and Sansa.
    • Rickon continues his train of thought by pointing out that Robb and Roslin are very active - the walls aren't thick enough to hide what they do. And finishes it with yet another flirty comment at Shireen, who shoots him down with a snarky comment.
• When Jeor and Mance meet the Ghost Rider at the top of the Wall, Jeor quickly goes for his sword, shocked and scared about the stranger's appearance... before the Ghost Rider starts arguing with the panther he's riding about how they should have crossed the Wall somewhere else.
• When Natasha is mentally recounting the story of how Rosalie Octavius (Small Tower at the time) went missing for several years, she mentions the reactions of various factions in Oldtown, including how the Faith stated that this was proof that their center of worship should be moved back to the city from King's Landing. The narration then comments that no one ever quite understood that logic.
• When he sees Gwen's handling of the books she took from the library, Petyr is aghast, and Miles jokes that Petyr wouldn't carry his own baby that carefully.
  Petyr: Babies can heal, books can't!
  • May doesn't like the answer, and points out that, considering how much sex he and Gwen are having, he should be concerned with that. Gwen replies that they are careful with that.
    Miles: He sticks it up your butt?
    (Gwen dope slaps him)
• Petyr notes that what Doc Ock did to get tentacles could only be magic.
  Miles: You don't know. Maybe some Iron Born... I don't know... (makes the sex hand sign)
  • May points out that there's always a man that sees a hole and wonders if he could stick it in there. As Gwen agrees that men think with their dicks, May gives her a pointed look and mentions that many women are prone to have similar thoughts about long things. Gwen winces as she remembers an "incident" from a few months back.
• Petyr tells Miles to put on some silk gloves to avoid damaging the books they're reading. Miles complains they will make him look like a girl... and quickly backtracks when he notices Gwen and May giving him sharp looks.
• Hearing the pathetic attempts at lying from Petyr, Jon notes he finally realizes how he once sounded and "no wonder Ned looks like he's 30 going on 50" and drinks so much.
• Varys mentions how he took the Valyrian dagger that was used to attempt to kill Bran for his collection of daggers. Natasha brags that she already took it for her own collection after finding it in Varys' secret cubby hole... and Clint states he already took it from her secret cubby hole... and Varys mentions he already raided Clint's cubby hole, thanking both spies for the opportunity to learn about their secret cubby holes.
• Pepper's reaction to hearing Jon is now Hand of the King is to just laugh hysterically.

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