Fanfic / The Darwin Chronicles

Scott: Logan, if you want to do a good deed a day, start with showering. Anything else is gravy.
Logan: Bite me, you tightassed, anal-retentive prettyboy.
Warren: Jean, you're right. He IS obsessed with Scott's ass.
Jean: Told you.
Logan: I am not fucking obsessed —
Warren: Jean says you are. Jean says you talk about it all the time. Jean also says that you've taken to addressing Scott as 'Love Muffin' when you think the two of you are alone. Scott, could you please not swerve the van like that? It's unnerving, and I think it might make the dog puke on my wings. Thank you.
Scott: He does NOT call me —
Logan: — fucking LOVE MUFFIN!
Warren: And how long have they been finishing each other's sentences, Jean? And are you starting to feel threatened by this?

The Darwin Chronicles is a series of X-Men Film Series alternate universe humor-themed fanfiction featuring Cyclops, Jean Grey, Wolverine, Angel, Beast, Emma Frost, a beleaguered Professor Xavier, several scatter-brained teenagers, a clueless Beagle, a prickly Siamese Cat, and… snark. Tons of snark.

The series can be read in FF.net's Ridesandruns page.

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Tropes:

• A-Cup Angst: Jean hates that Emma's chest is bigger than hers.
  Jean: "Sure it is. You just haven't seen my jealous, insecure side. Emma brings it out. What exactly is it with men and their fascination with big breasts?"
• Afraid of Needles: The mere mention of needles, syringes or shots is enough to make Logan hyperventilate.
• Bedmate Reveal: In "The Stuff of Nightmares", Scott wakes up and feels someone hairy and slobbering is snuggling up to him. For several terrifying seconds he wonders whether it is Logan.
  Jean: You were inconsolable, and Darwin, poor baby, was a wreck. That's why I let him up on the bed to cuddle with you, because he was so worried.
  Scott: (to Warren) I come to my senses to find myself snuggled up with a hairy, slobbering thing with bad breath. For several horrifying moments, I thought it was Logan. But Darwin smells better.
• Berserk Button: Jean is a perfectly sensible, reasonable, mature and nice woman… unless someone brings Emma Frost up. Or Elisabeth Braddock. Or Logan calls her "Mrs. Robinson". Or someone suggests she dyes her hair...
• Betty and Veronica: Sensitive, homely Jean is the Betty, lurid seductress Emma is Veronica and poor, beleaguered Scott is the Archie.
• Blatant Lies: In "You Heard It Here First", Jubilee remarks Scott and Jean are terrible liars.
  Jubilee: "And here I am trying to fill you in, and you totally get growly and blow me off, and that's why you didn't know that Scott and Jean are on this whole nature kick lately and you really can't go near the flowerbeds lately without making tons of noise to warn them, unless you wanna walk right in on them, like, dude, almost on top of them, and that's why you're all pissed off and ready to claw your own eyes out, but y'know, if you did that, they'd probably grow right back, right? How cool."
  Logan: "Kid. I dunno where you're going with this, but I got a feeling I can't get through this without beer."
  Jubilee: "Dude, I like, totally feel your pain, y'know? And not just because Dr. Grey's all, 'Oh, I was just checking him for ticks!' explanation is, like, enough to make anyone heave."
• Brain Bleach:
  • In "Great Scott", Logan making disparaging comments about Scott causes Jean to rave about her fulfilling sex life, which makes her audience demand a mind-wipe or lobotomy.
    Jean: "You know, I don't think there's a room in this mansion where we haven't done it."
    Hank: Jean, please.
    Jean: His office, my office, the lab, the kitchen, the music room. The den, the classrooms, the stables, the hanger – now that was exceptional. Scott really does love that jet.
    Bobby: Do you think the Professor would wipe out my memory? I mean, if I asked him nicely? Or begged really, really hard?
  • In "What lies beneath", Logan hates the fact that his healing factor won't let him kill himself when Rogue and Jubilee start discussing Scott's underwear.
    There were times, Logan reflected, when having a healing factor was a bitch.
    When flu swept through the mansion, leaving people puking everywhere, who got to play nursemaid? When a mission went awry, who did Jean race past without a second glance as she went to fuss over the Boy Wonder?
    Worst of all, when Rogue and Jubilee got caught stealing Cyclops' underwear, who was unable to slit his wrists to avoid hearing why?
  • In "Osmosis", Logan's healing factor will not save him from Jubilee's ramblings.
    Jubilee: And then Lola was all pissed, I dunno, I think it gave her a headache or something, and she blamed Dr. Grey and pissed somewhere – like, that cat is so, whattyacall it, literal – and Dr. Grey was all pissed and at least she's not all literal because God, wouldn't that be gross if she started –
    Logan: You know, the healing factor don't mean I can't get headaches, kid.
• Bring My Brown Pants: In "The More You Know", a flying lesson ends up with Logan needing a change of pants after his ceaseless insults encourage Scott to try "creative" flying maneuvers.
• Bullying a Dragon: Logan is an aerophobic stuck into the Blackbird with Cyclops, who is giving him flying lessons. So, what does Logan do? Insulting and taunting Cyclops until Scott Summers runs out of patience.
  "Don't start shrieking," Summers warned. "It's very distracting. You don't want to distract me now, do you? Just think what could happen."
  "I don't want to know!" Logan yelled. "You hear me? I don't want to know! Just land this fucking thing!"
  "If I'm distracted, I could misread a gauge," Summers went on mercilessly, lips twitching. "Like the fuel gauge. Imagine what would happen if we ran out of gas. Eighty-five thousand feet up. Traveling at Mach 3."
  "Imagine what would happen if I gutted you right this instant," Logan said between gritted teeth, trying very hard not to shriek.
  "Well, golly gee, Wolverine," Summers said, making no effort to hide his smirk now. "I guess you'd have to fly this deathtrap yourself." He flipped a few switches and settled back in his seat, folding his hands behind his head.
  Logan's mouth went dry.
• Cat Fight: Invoked. Jean and Emma have not got into one -physical- so far, to Logan's massive disappointment.
  Logan: "I was waiting for them to start rolling around the floor clawing each other. Maybe ripping at each other's clothes."
• Chick Magnet: Scott draws telepaths "like manure draws flies". No one knows why, but everyone agrees it is creepy.
  Warren: I refer to the era they spent stalking each other while she waited for him to get legal and he hooked up with Emma Frost and refined his telepath mojo.
  Logan: Telepath mojo?
  Scott: I don't have — And no one stalked anyone –
  Warren: Telepaths find him irresistible. He draws them like manure draws flies. No one's sure why. It's actually rather creepy. Before Jean, there was Emma. Before Emma, there was –
• Cross-Popping Veins: In "A Teaching Moment", Jean's forehead veins begin swelling when Logan calls her "Mrs. Robinson".
  Jean leaned over to kiss Scott on the forehead, tuck his blanket more tightly around him and give the dog a reassuring pat. Then she rose from the sofa slowly, an ominous glow in her eyes and a vein pulsing at her temple.
• Dramatic Irony: Jean complains about Scott not doing enough to ease her jealousy... such like telling his old friend Emma she is disgusting and hateful. Still she is never turned down Logan in such a harsh fashion or stopped him from insulting her fiancé.
• Distracted by the Sexy: Way back when Scott was still dating Emma, Jean once walked in on them having sex in the rec room and bumped into the wall.
• Double Entendre: Logan should really choose his insults better. And his wording.
  Logan: (outraged) Jesus fucking Christ. I'm gonna pound that fucking tightass until he screams like a girl.
  Rogue: You really shouldn't say stuff like that around Jubilee, sugar. That's how other rumors get started.
• Everyone Can See It: Before getting together officially, Jean claimed time and again she loved Scott like a little brother. Nobody believed her. According Warren, even total strangers could tell she wanted him.
  Warren: "See, Jean was in a bad mood even before we left for the fair because Dr. Lensherr — this was before he went Magneto on us — had been making chicken hawk comments. He knew she was interested in Scott — strangers on the street knew she was interested in Scott — and he was having conniptions."
• Female Feline, Male Mutt: Darwin is a male beagle. Lola is a female Siamese cat.
• Fiery Redhead: In "A Teaching Moment", Logan should really have listened to Scott when the latter tried to warn him against the dangers of pissing off a telekinetic, short-tempered redhead.
  "And if the kids wander in?" Warren asked, raising his voice to be heard above the screeching. "You're OK with them being exposed to graphic violence?"
  "It's a teaching moment," Scott said. "Never piss off a redhead." He used his spoon to gesture to his IV stand. "Look what she did to me when she was trying to be NICE."
• Freudian Slip: Logan's obsession with calling Scott an "ass" makes people wonder and Jean get territorial.
  Jean: Darwin doesn't really share your obsession with Scott's ass, Logan.
  Logan: How many fucking times do I have to tell you that I ain't obsessed –
  Jean: (annoyed) You say that, but yet you keep referring to it.
• Goofy Print Underwear: Cyclops wears Snoopy underoos.
• Green-Eyed Monster: Logan is jealous of Scott because Jean is head over heels in love with Scott, beautiful women fight over him and most of female students have a crush on him.
• Glowing Eyes of Doom:
  • In "A Teaching Moment", Jean's eyes glow ominously when Logan calls her "Mrs. Robinson" once again.
    Jean leaned over to kiss Scott on the forehead, tuck his blanket more tightly around him and give the dog a reassuring pat. Then she rose from the sofa slowly, an ominous glow in her eyes and a vein pulsing at her temple.
  • When you can see Scott's eyes glowing behind his glasses, you know he's pissed.
    Warren: I innocently asked you why we were doing it, and you whipped around and shrieked, 'Because it's relaxing!' You were so stressed your glasses were doing that strobing thing and we were all sure you were going to blast us.
• Heroes Love Dogs: Scott and Jean love their beagle Darwin. Logan does not want to admit he also adores the little mutt.
• Hypocritical Humor:
  • Logan will declare he is NOT whipped out by Darwin as complaining that nobody else knows how to take care of the dog properly.
    "I do not love the fucking dog," Logan said irritably. "And I'm not his goddamn uncle. He's a fucking pain in my ass. He begs for food all the damn time — and you wanna tell me why you two starve the poor little guy? He's always hungry, and that chow you feed him tastes like shit — and he trashes my room and chews up my stuff and he's always fucking underfoot — and just how goddamn stupid are you, Birdbrain? Can't you see he wants you to rub his belly? Stop messing with his fucking ears, you simpleminded shit — and we'd all be a lot better off without the mutt, is what I'm saying."
  • Jean states she will not put up with Scott's pet's destructive impulses while Darwin is chewing on Scott's shoes.
    "Well, all right," I say grudgingly. "But you should know I'm making a mental list of ways you can make it up to me. I won't tolerate some animal's rampant destructive impulses."
    Scott looks down at the remains of his gnawed loafer. "Right," he says dryly. "We couldn't have that."
• The Immodest Orgasm: Emma constantly screamed loudly when she was sleeping with Scott. Nowadays, Jean is just so noisy.
  Warren: "Scott, of course it's my business. Jean's still giving me hell for recruiting Emma to the school. And let's not forget that back then I had the room next to yours and had to listen to you and Emma all night every night Charles was out." (to Logan) "You have any idea what it's like to have to listen to someone yell 'Oh, Scott! Don't stop! Oh, Scott!' at the top of her lungs? Night after night?”
  Logan: "Do the words 'advanced hearing' mean anything to you, Birdbrain? Just what the fuck do you think my life is like around here? I'd cut off my fucking ears if I thought it would do any good. Jesus Christ. Xavier can buy the Boy Wonder a goddamn jet, and he can't find me a decent pair of earplugs?"
  Warren: "But the happy couple's on the third floor now, and you're on the second."
  Logan: (snorting) "Makes no difference to me, bub. I hear 'em all the goddamn time."
• I Need a Freaking Drink: In "You Heard It Here First", Logan reaches for beer when Jubilee starts telling him he could have avoided to walk right in on Scott and Jean having sex on the garden if he had just listened to her.
  "And here I am trying to fill you in, and you totally get growly and blow me off, and that's why you didn't know that Scott and Jean are on this whole nature kick lately and you really can't go near the flowerbeds lately without making tons of noise to warn them, unless you wanna walk right in on them, like, dude, almost on top of them, and that's why you're all pissed off and ready to claw your own eyes out, but y'know, if you did that, they'd probably grow right back, right? How cool."
  "Kid," Logan said, slumping into a kitchen chair, "I dunno where you're going with this, but I got a feeling I can't get through this without beer."
  "Dude, I like, totally feel your pain, y'know?" Jubilee said, pulling a stool up to the kitchen table. "And not just because Dr. Grey's all, 'Oh, I was just checking him for ticks!' explanation is, like, enough to make anyone heave. You think you're all pissy? Dude, I bet they're worse. And they write up our midterms! So you totally know that in bio and calculus we're all gonna be paying big time for this, whattayacallit, carpe interruptus."
  "Oh, for fuck's sake," Logan muttered, hauling a second six pack out of the refrigerator.
• Insistent Terminology: Scott's new bike is not a "bike". It is a "sophisticated driving machine".
  Jean: Logan, is this Scott's new bike? The Harley A-Rod or something?
  Scott: It's not really a bike, Jean. It's a Harley VRSCA V-Rod with a 115 hp Revolution V-twin engine. It's really far above a bike. It's to motorcycles what the Blackbird is to planes. It's not a bike, it's a sophisticated driving machine.
• In Spite of a Nail: Even if it is a completely different universe where they have met each other in completely different circumstances, Jean and Emma can't stand each other.
• Insult Backfire:
  • Logan calling Scott a "tightass" really, really backfires when Jean asks him why Scott's having a tight ass is a bad thing.
    Logan: Had too much to drink, huh, Red? Can't say I blame you. If I were engaged to that tightassed twerp, I'd be drinking heavily too.
    [...]
    Jean: And my husband-to-be is not a twerp, Logan.
    Logan: I notice you're not even going to argue the 'tightass' part. Finally wising up. Good girl.
    Jean: Oh, please, Logan. Anyone who's seen Scott in his uniform knows he's a tightass. And why you think that's a bad thing is beyond me. I mean, you share a locker room with him. You've seen him naked. Admit it – when he takes off his clothes, he's yummy.
  • And in "Pet Peeves":
    Logan: Fuck you, Summers!
    Scott: (pleasantly) Oh, everyone in the pet store thinks you do. Calling me 'cupcake' in public doesn't help.
  • After a while, most of students comes to believe Logan has a raging crush on Scott because he keeps mentioning his butt.
• Interrupted Intimacy: Jubilee and other students sometimes walk in on Scott and Jean when the couple is having sex on the mansion's gardens.
  Jubilee: And here I am trying to fill you in, and you totally get growly and blow me off, and that's why you didn't know that Scott and Jean are on this whole nature kick lately and you really can't go near the flowerbeds lately without making tons of noise to warn them, unless you wanna walk right in on them, like, dude, almost on top of them, and that's why you're all pissed off and ready to claw your own eyes out, but y'know, if you did that, they'd probably grow right back, right? How cool.
  Logan: Kid. I dunno where you're going with this, but I got a feeling I can't get through this without beer.
  Jubilee: Dude, I like, totally feel your pain, y'know? And not just because Dr. Grey's all, 'Oh, I was just checking him for ticks!' explanation is, like, enough to make anyone heave. You think you're all pissy? Dude, I bet they're worse. And they write up our midterms! So you totally know that in bio and calculus we're all gonna be paying big time for this, whattayacallit, carpe interruptus.
• I Resemble That Remark!: In "Road Trip" Logan claims angrily he does not like Darwin one second before chiding Warren for petting the dog wrong.
  Logan: I do not love the fucking dog. And I'm not his goddamn uncle. He's a fucking pain in my ass. He begs for food all the damn time — and you wanna tell me why you two starve the poor little guy? He's always hungry, and that chow you feed him tastes like shit — and he trashes my room and chews up my stuff and he's always fucking underfoot — and just how goddamn stupid are you, Birdbrain? Can't you see he wants you to rub his belly? Stop messing with his fucking ears, you simpleminded shit — and we'd all be a lot better off without the mutt, is what I'm saying.
• I Take Offense to That Last One: In "Great Scott", Logan calls Scott a "tighassed twerp". Jean will not put up with her fiancé being called a twerp, but she will not argue against the "tightassed" part since she likes his butt.
  Logan: Had too much to drink, huh, Red? Can't say I blame you. If I were engaged to that tightassed twerp, I'd be drinking heavily too.
  [...]
  Jean: And my husband-to-be is not a twerp, Logan.
  Logan: I notice you're not even going to argue the 'tightass' part. Finally wising up. Good girl.
  Jean: Oh, please, Logan. Anyone who's seen Scott in his uniform knows he's a tightass. And why you think that's a bad thing is beyond me. I mean, you share a locker room with him. You've seen him naked. Admit it – when he takes off his clothes, he's yummy. And not just his tight ass, either.
• Killer Rabbit: Lola, the Siamese Cat. You don't want to disturb her. Even Wolverine is frightened of her.
  Logan: No, I meant you getting your ass kicked by that cat. She's what, eight pounds?
  Warren: Doesn't matter. When disturbed, that animal appears to grow extra limbs, all tipped with needle-sharp claws. Plus she bites and screams bloody murder. She has the disposition of a rabid grizzly bear with a toothache. She's savage. She's depraved. She's you, minus the hygiene issues.
• Kind Hearted Cat Lover: Scott adores his pet cat Lola.
• Lethal Chef: Jean's cooking is a health hazard. Scott keeps eating it because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but he's gotten food poisoning so many times that Warren jokes that Jean is truly attempting to kill him.
  Warren: "Let me get this straight. You knew she cooked it herself. You ate it anyway."
  Scott: "It was our anniversary. She went to a lot of trouble, and I wanted to be appreciative. Besides, it was CHICKEN. How hard can it be to make chicken?"
  Warren: "You didn't notice the pink? How could you not notice it was the wrong color?" (Scott points to his glasses) "And you didn't think it tasted funny?"
  Scott: "Well, kind of. But she doesn't cook that often. I wanted to be supportive."
  Warren: "But you KNEW she made it herself. And you ate it ANYWAY. I wouldn't let that get around, Cyclops. It doesn't say much about your decision-making abilities, you know what I'm saying?"
• Like an Old Married Couple: Scott and Logan's ceaseless bickering has led strangers to mistake them for a couple.
  Logan: Yeah, you're nodding, Blue, you know what I'm saying – and we start getting into it – and I'm winning, of course – and this guy, this older guy comes up with this other guy and their dog, and he – he says –
  Scott: (smirking) He tells us he and his partner used to argue all the time when they first got their dog. And I learned that Logan's healing factor can help him recover from an aneurysm pretty fast.
• Love Makes You Crazy: Jean is jealous of Lola. A Siamese Cat. Warren subtly remarks Jean’s IQ drops some points when she gets jealous.
  Jean: And she stalks Scott. And he's fine with it! And I make the perfectly reasonable suggestion that we scan the cat for implants, just to make sure she's not some kind of cyborg designed to spy on us and kill me, and Scott acts like I've lost my mind.
  Warren: (deadpan) Imagine that.
• Making Love in All the Wrong Places:
  • Scott and Jean have pretty much “tarnished” all horizontal surfaces in the school.
    Jean: You know, I don't think there's a room in this mansion where we haven't done it.
    Hank: Jean, please.
    Jean: His office, my office, the lab, the kitchen, the music room. The den, the classrooms, the stables, the hanger – now that was exceptional. Scott really does love that jet.
  • They've done on the flowerbeds, too. Not even Central Park is safe from their escapades.
    '''Jubilee: So, like, if you wanna take a nature walk this is a good time because you won't be tripping over them in the rose garden again and carrying on again, and you'd think your super Spidey senses would keep you from doing that, but I think they don't because you just seem to, like, crave these big scenes. And hey, since they're in the city if they wanna do it they'll probably stop in Central Park – they been on this nature thing for a while, I told you that, right? – unless they decide to wait until they get home because I really don't think they'll do anything in front of the dog.
• Mistaken for Gay: Due to the amount of bickering, Scott and Logan have been mistaken for a couple several times.
  Scott: So we get to class and I chat with some of the other owners. And someone mentions that they're raising their dog as a vegetarian. And Logan responds with his customary tact.
  Warren: Profanity.
  Jean: Lots of profanity.
  Scott: And things go downhill from there. He and I get into it — and I'm winning, of course — and he storms out with his typical eloquent parting shot —
  Jean: (clarifying) 'Fuck you, cupcake,'
  Scott:— and so naturally I go after him to keep him from stealing the car, and by the time I get back to class, the grapevine has it that I've left Jean for Cousin It!
• No Antagonist: The story being about comedic shenanigans, there's no real villain or enemy to beat up.
• Noodle Incident: Warren calls the time prior to Scott and Jean getting together “The Jailbait Years”. Little is known about that era, other than Emma -who was dating Scott-, Jean -who claimed she did not want to date Scott- and Betsy were fighting over Scott constantly.
• Oblivious to Love: Scott never realized that Jean was chasing after him when he was a teenager, even though everyone else knew she was crazy about him.
  Scott: Plenty of good things come out of my camping trips. Jean and I finally got together on a camping trip, remember?
  Logan: Jesus Christ. Tell me you weren't wearing a Boy Scout uniform.
  Scott: Shut up, Hairball. She wanted to go camping, and things just kind of happened. The whole thing was kind of an accident.[...]
  Warren: Actually, it was a plot. Scott and Emma had just broken up, and Jean was all set to make her move. So she invited him camping to get him alone. But because Scott was oblivious to all this – to this day he insists their relationship was all his idea – he invited Bobby to go camping, too.
• One Thing Led to Another: Ten years ago, Scott took Jean camping. Then they ended up sharing a tent, and “things just kind of happened”, after which they began dating. One decade later Scott is still convinced it was an accident, and not Jean's plan all along.
  Scott: Plenty of good things come out of my camping trips. Jean and I finally got together on a camping trip, remember?
  Logan: Jesus Christ. Tell me you weren't wearing a Boy Scout uniform.
  Scott: Shut up, Hairball. She wanted to go camping, and things just kind of happened. The whole thing was kind of an accident.
• Only Sane Man: Professor Xavier usually remains calm, reasonable and conciliatory as his staff engage in endless public snark wars.
• Parental Sexuality Squick: The students look up to Scott and Jean as their surrogate parents, and do not relish the thought of them having sex. Bobby demanded a lobotomy when Jean told about her sex life in detail as inebriated.
• Primal Scene: Several students have walked in on Scott and Jean getting intimate on the flowerbeds.
• Rich in Dollars, Poor in Sense: Warren is a downplayed example. He is not completely useless when his butler isn't around… but when Scott takes him camping, he endlessly whines about the lack of running water, air conditioning and cozy beds.
• Running Gag: People constantly remark that Logan brings Scott's butt up the whole time; and every time he shouts he isn't obsessed with his butt, they point out that he keeps referring to it.
  Jubilee: Oh, Wolvie, c'mon. Stop obsessing over Mr. Summers' ass and listen, willya? I'm just sayin' –
  Logan: I ain't obsessing and I never –
  Jubilee: (eye-rolling) Yeah, yeah, right.
• Second Love: Before hooking up with Jean Grey, Scott was dating Emma Frost, and before Emma there was Betsy Braddock.
• Something Else Also Rises: In “Great Scott”, Jean makes known that her Scott "always rises to the occasion".
  Jean: No, he did not fail to 'do his duty,' Logan! My Scott always rises to the occasion.
• Stealth Insult: In “Lola”, Warren stealthily tells Jean her love towards Scott sometimes makes her crazy.
  Jean; Oh, forget it. The problem here is that Scott has a blind spot the size of New Jersey where Emma Frost is concerned.
  Warren: (gravely) Blind spots are bad. They make otherwise intelligent people behave in really scary ways.
  Jean: Don't I know it.
• Take That!: In “The Stuff of Nightmares”, X-Men: The Last Stand is a drug-induced Scott's nightmare.
  Scott: So anyway, the whole hallucination thing was horrible and it all ended with Logan killing you. And then he was in charge of the team, which was really the most horrifying thing of all. And at the end of it all I saw the school from the air as I flew a seaplane. Because after you atomized me I ended up as a private pilot for Superman and Lois Lane and their kid. Who's a real pesky brat, by the way.
  Warren: Just what kind of drugs did you give him?
  Jean: Never mind. The whole thing sounds like one of the summer blockbuster movies. All explosions, no plot and nothing resembling character development. You know, I bet if you made a movie like that, you'd make millions. From all the people who go to the movies just to see the special effects.
• Through a Face Full of Fur: It happens to Hank when a plastered Jean starts detailing her and Scott's sexual escapades:
  Jean turned to Hank conversationally. "You know, I don't think there's a room in this mansion where we haven't done it."
  "Jean, please," Hank moaned, covering his face with his hands. He was blushing through his fur.
• Twitchy Eye:
  • Professor-X develops a trembling eyelid when his staff bickers over the dinner table in front of all students.
    Jubilee: Dude, you totally gotta get over these drama issues. You know who you remind me of? Emma Frost, because right after that whole Lola-tried-to-kill-me fight, Ms. Frost comes to visit, and she's barely here a day and she gets all pissy because Darwin chewed up one of her bras. He's always getting into her stuff, you know? And Dr. Grey's all, 'Well, you must be doing something to provoke him, because he never destroys my bras.' And Ms. Frost is all, 'That's pure self-preservation, darling. The poor thing knows he'd choke to death on all that padding.' And this in the dining hall, right? So we're all, 'Oooooh.' And Mr. Summers just puts his head down on the table and goes, 'Ohhhhh,' and the prof starts gettin' that twitch over his right eye, you know the one he gets?
  • Jean's eyelid twitches as being stuck into a car with Scott, Warren and Logan.
• Underestimating Badassery: In “A Teaching Moment”, Scott warns Logan that Jean can and will kick his butt if he keeps up his taunting. Logan scoffs at the notion. Five seconds later he is screaming.
  Jean leaned over to kiss Scott on the forehead, tuck his blanket more tightly around him and give the dog a reassuring pat. Then she rose from the sofa slowly, an ominous glow in her eyes and a vein pulsing at her temple.
  "Big mistake," Scott told Logan, spooning soup, his appetite suddenly improving. "My girl can kick your ass."
  "She can not," Logan scoffed. "What's she gonna – Jean! JEAN! Hey, cut it out! Hey! JEAN!"
  "See, normally he just shrieks like that on the Blackbird," Scott told Warren. "And those flailing motions? We see those a lot during takeoff. Less so during landing."
  "What about the clanging sound when he hits the wall like that?" Warren asked with clinical interest. "Is that from his bones or the claws or what?"
• Volleying Insults: Happens frequently between Scott and Logan or between Jean and Emma. In "Property Rights":
  Logan: Tightass.
  Scott: Dumbass.
  Logan: Uptight prettyboy.
  Scott: Troglodyte.
  Logan: Seat-sniffing freak.
• What Does She See in Him?: Logan does not get why Jean likes Scott better than him. Or why Jean and Emma catfight over him. Or why Rogue finds him attractive…
  Logan: Darlin', I've said it before. I'll say it again. You. Him. Why?
  Jean: (digging into her ice cream) Don't start.
• Why Don't You Marry It?: Scott is very fond of the Blackbird, to the point that Jean calls it "the other woman".
  "It's not enough that we're up so fucking high, now you're telling me we're gonna get fried? That it happens all the goddamn time? Fuck, I always knew this piece of shit was a deathtrap."
  Summers' lips thinned. It belatedly occurred to Logan that Jean referred to the Blackbird as "the other woman." Something to add to the ever-growing list of reasons why Captain Tightass was a freak.
  "This is not 'a piece of shit,' " the kid said icily. "SHE'S an SR-71, a Blackbird, the fastest air-breathing jet in the world. You should feel damn privileged to be aboard. Flying a Blackbird is a religious experience."
• World of Snark: All main characters are huge snarkers.
• Working with the Ex: Scott's ex-girlfriend Emma joins the Institute's staff, much to Scott's awkwardness and Jean's ire.

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