There are some twistedly hilarious things that the Foundation either has in custody or has encountered previously. It provides a bit of levity between all the horror and sadness to be found elsewhere.
- From SCP-029
:SCP-029 has requested:
• A bed (Denied)
• A blanket (Denied)
• Books (Denied)
• Clothes (Denied)
This is ridiculous! The girl can't even have clothes? We are not animals, let her cover herself! - Dr Ericka Bodeen
Dr. Bodeen, you are granted permission to deliver clothes to SCP-029. -Dr. Light
As of incident 029-53b, anyone who has potential access to SCP-029 is required to first watch Surveillance Tape 029-Bodeen, as a reminder of threats involved when working with SCP items and SCP-029 in particular. - SCP-198 is a shapeshifting cup which, when gripped by a human, bonds itself to their hands on a molecular level and then begins filling up with their bodily fluids and waste products, including blood, bile, feces, saliva, and [DATA EXPUNGED]. The victim will then rapidly die of supernatural dehydration and malnutrition unless they drink the contents of the cup, which perpetually refills until the victim dies anyway from it draining all their blood.Test Subject: Ow! Owowow! It burned me!
Dr. ███████: It would appear that both of your hands are stuck to the container. Is that the case?
Test Subject: Yeah! Does it look like I'm not stuck?! [Test subject is visibly straining to pull her hands apart from SCP-198.]
Dr. ███████: Can you remove your hands from the gloves?
Test Subject: No! They're stuck to this damn thing, t—! [Test subject pauses mid-sentence and stares at the pitcher in her hands. Seconds later, test subject is seen vomiting violently and falling to her knees. A brownish, semi-solid mass spills onto the floor from SCP-198.]
Dr. ███████: Can you please describe the contents of the pitcher, please?
Test Subject: ████! ████! ████! - The attempts at killing SCP-682 have been getting increasingly desperate, including chopping it up into 12,000 pieces with rapid precision blades and putting them in separate miniature containment cells, chopping it up into 12,000 pieces with rapid precision blades and putting them in separate miniature containment cells after SCP-173 was used to immobilize the lizard, and chopping it up into 12,000 pieces combined with the simultaneous application of SCP-1361, secretions from SCP-075 and SCP-3000, SCP-063, SCP-101 the miniature black hole, sedatives, and napalm. All three failed.
- There is a certain amount of Black Comedy in Guest Researcher W intentionally feeding two children to SCP-682 and then being fed to 682 himself by Assistant Director Clef.
- Agent Strelkinov's proposal for an agents' handbook for his Mobile Task Force, which rapidly devolves into him expressing his genocidal hatred of Chechens and elaborating on how and why you should gruesomely murder them accompanied by various horrified and concerned notes from the proposal's reviewer."When you are able to shank enemies in the neck with your bayonet and not even be slightly bothered by this, when you are able to chop them in face with shovel, to kick them with jackboot, and pull their teeths, burn their homes and slaughters their livestock and send one Chechen to next village as a warning for the other bastards, then you have understood what it is to hate. (all struck out with "I don't know what to say" written over it)
- Part 7 is a guide to infant care in the middle of combat, which the reviewer approved.
- Wydness' art page includes a dakimakura design of SCP-682, complete with a [REDACTED] tag covering the crotch region.
- SCP-5004, which words cannot do justice. The description of the being summoned by Tiffany Trump:Shortly afterwards, cameras reactivate. Standing on one side of the room is Ruth Bader Ginsburg, eyes glowing white. Across from her, through the dust and haze and levitating three meters off the ground is a colossal, three-headed, vaguely humanoid entity with the legs of a horse, the torso of an extremely obese man, four arms with small hands at their ends and three long human-adjacent necks, ending at the tortured heads of Ivanka, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump, each of which bellows in agony. In the center of the chest is a face with bulging lips, sunken red eyes, and a grotesque rotten beard.
- The whole point of SCP-100000-J, which lampoons overblown containment procedures.Area-100000-J has been established as a 100km radius on the surface above SCP-100000-J. The fence on the perimeter of Area-100000-J is to be electrified, irradiated, and equipped with autoturrets with mounted .900-caliber railguns. The gate to Area-100000-J is to be guarded by one 500kg, 3m tall ogre equipped with one 300kg, 5m tall battle-axe. The ogre must be completely deaf, by surgical means if necessary. All personnel requesting entry to Area-100000-J must answer correctly the ogre's three impossible riddles, each of which are lethal auditory cognitohazards.
- SCP-261 produces a number of interesting results, including tiny crab-like "Eetmees" who desperately beg to be eaten and attempt to force their way into the subject's mouth if they refuse, a "Tasty Fetus" gummy candy with an accompanying cartoon of a girl who gets into trouble with her father after the latter mistakes it for a real fetus, and an entire live auroch which was gruesomely torn apart when an attempt was made to break open 261 to get it out.
- SCP-5000 details the Foundation's new-found goal to exterminate all humans Dalek-style through varied methods, including triggering the eruption of Yellowstone Volcano, releasing numerous Keter SCPs such as 682, 610, and 1048, destroying worldwide coastal settlements by causing SCP-169 to shift in its sleep, Mind Raping a child Reality Warper into a living weapon to destroy refugee camps, and... propaganda broadcasts in which 1370 talks about how he is going to take over the world "or whatever".
- SCP-1459, The Puppy Machine. Killing puppies for cookies has never been so much fun to read about.This is a collaborative experiment log for a machine that kills puppies. It has exactly one downvote. There is something seriously wrong with us as a community.
- Many of Able's antics from the Pandora's Box-era (i.e., breaking one of his own soldiers' jaw with a Nerf sword) can't help but cross over from examples of shocking sociopathy into utter absurdity.
- Funerals Are Fun manages to combine two really disturbing SCPs (the horrific Candid Camera Prank show 2030 and half-cicada Body Horror-inducing monster 2852) in a story so weird — it helps that it's told by one of the witnesses/victims — that it gets somewhat funny.
- The treatment of poor SCP-3467-J, a fat, chicken-eating Basement-Dweller whose official containment procedure is that whoever encounters him should insult, heckle, embarrass, and humiliate him at every available opportunity. Even the entry gets in on it.
- SCP-5555-J, the Chibinator, makes flanderized mini clones of SCPs and Foundation staff. Said clones are operate on implausibility and tend to be extremely bloodthirsty.Note: I woke up in a bathtub filled with ice. And dicks drawn on my face. I don't feel so good…
Note: The little bastards took BOTH my kidneys! - SCP-1936, Daleport. When it's one Eldritch Abomination imposing horrific warping upon reality and changing things to its whim, sure, it's unnerving or even terrifying. An Eldritch Abomination free-for-all in some unfortunate New England town, however, just starts getting funny or at least inspires some degree of awe from the sheer level of surrealism resulting from it.
- SCP-4985 is an investment firm that's run like a kingdom, complete with everyone in the company holding noble ranks, referring to the current CEO as 'Your Majesty', and so on. Keeping with this theme, they execute between five and ten employees a year for various crimes like embezzlement and so on. Guillotining your employees for their crimes? Not funny. The guillotine in question being a paper guillotine? Very dark, but funny, especially when the footnote says that it's a very laborious process.
- SCP-686 is infected milk which causes anyone who drinks it (male or female) to begin massively lactating, and start growing more mammary glands unless they are milked on a regular basis. At some point they decided to use this against SCP-682. The attempt itself isn't stated, but one Researcher wanted it to be done again, and was met with the following O5 response:Have to give you credit, it was quite the spectacle until everyone remembered how two streams of high-velocity liquids can puncture glass… and flesh. We have ordered the destruction of all photographic and written documentation of the first "termination experiment" to avoid incentivizing further incidents.
- SCP-3288 is a subterranean mutant species of Body Horror-laden evil aristocrats (which is actually a remnant of the Habsburg royal family created by systematic inbreeding), which kidnaps humans to eat or use as breeding-slaves. Then you realise that their informal name within the Foundation is "The Aristocrats".
- SCP-7234 is already a pretty weird article about an extra dimensional anomaly of a doomed world covered by anomalous grease that gets dark and full of Nausea Fuel when the team sent to investigate discover it is a lot more dangerous that they thought by being beset by torrents of grease and a team member coping with it by popping acne caused by the grease. It culminates in The Reveal at the end of the article where the last surviving team member discovers the source of the grease. A 300 mile high obese balding man eating a burger.
- SCP-3008 is an infinite IKEA store where those who wander into it can't leave, and which appears to be attracting people from different universes/timelines. The "staff" consist of weirdly-proportioned and faceless humanoids that fatally assault any humans they see when the lights go out, which is pretty horrifying...but the fact that they do so while politely and calmly saying "The store is now closed, please exit the building" can send retail workers (especially those who perform closing duties and/or are actual IKEA employees) reading the article into hysterics.
