Characters / The Goon Show

Characters in The Goon Show and the tropes associated with them.^note Descriptions taken from The Goon Show Scripts by Spike Milligan (1972).

It's all rather confusing, really.

---

Neddie Seagoon

Actor: Harry Secombe

True blue British idiot and hero always.

The closest the show has to a main character and the only major role regularly played by Secombe. A fat, bumbling patriot willing to burst into song at the slightest (or no) provocation, he is usually playing the role of either a government official or nobleman ripe to be ruthlessly exploited, or an impoverished cretin perfectly suited to act as a fall guy for whatever schemes are being cooked up this week. These plans usually fail since Seagoon is too stupid to fool even himself.

Tropes:

• Catchphrase: (while narrating) "And this is where the story really starts!" He would also frequently respond with "Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?" (occasionally going up into clucking sounds). At times, would address the audience through a megaphone: "Hello folks! Calling folks."
  • "I don't wish to know that."
  • "Ying tong iddle-i po" and "Needle-nardle-noo!"
• Deadpan Snarker: Despite Seagoon's idiot tendencies, Milligan could never resist a chance for a gag and so Seagoon, like everyone else, was this from time to time.
  Seagoon: That olé of olés could only herald the coming of the highly esteemed Goon Show!
  [Grams: Panic stricken audience running out, door slams]
  Seagoon: Who unlocked the doors? Mr. Greenslade, emergency music!
  [Grams: The Archers theme tune and animal noises]
  Seagoon: Stop! [Music stops] I knew that would get them back in.
• Dirty Coward: Although this was normally Bloodnok's role, Seagoon would be it from time to time, usually with a show of pretending to be braver than he actually was:
  Seagoon: I can see it all now, I'll fight till me ammunitions gone. I'll say to the other men; Lads, make your way back as best as you can...me? I'll stay on, I'll fight 'em barehanded until I'm overpowered, and then I'll swallow my secret code. They'll torture me, I won't speak... It'll mean the firing squad, ha ha, so what? They'll say, Any last requests? I say yes, damn you, I want evening dress... I'll take my time, and put it on with my full miniatures... blindfold, they'll say... ha ha ha, blind fold, ha ha, the rifles'll come up, the click of the cartridges rammed home, they're taking aim... ha ha ha... I'll be smiling, that...that carefree, daredevil smile, the officer will raise his sword... the volley will ring out, and I'll slump smiling to the floor — dead!
  Colonel Jim: Well, Seagoon?
  Seagoon: I DON'T WANT TO GOOOOO!
• Fat Idiot: Since Neddie was a caricature of Secombe, this was inevitable.
  Grytpype-Thynne: I've heard of you; you're Neddie Seagoon, the famous size.
  Crun: Neddie, did you hear they're sending up a rocket to photograph the other side of you?

  Moriarty: (holding Neddie up with a pistol) Right; turn around.
  Seagoon: I'm not strong enough.
  Moriarty: Very well, we'll walk around you.
  Seagoon: (narrating) Dear listeners; even though I had my back turned to them, I could still see them in a 16-foot mirror that I rushed out and bought...

  Moriarty: This is going to be a long trip. Seagoon, how much ground can you cover in a day?
  Seagoon: I can cover ten square yards standing still.
• Hollywood Tone-Deaf: A case of friendly mockery from Milligan, as Secombe was an excellent singer with a professional musical career.^note He was a good enough singer to play the straight role of Mr Bumble the Beadle in the movie of Oliver!.
  • This becomes a small running gag of the episode entitled The Greenslade Story, broadcast just after Secombe had released a new record - John Snagge, a prominent BBC announcer, threatened to ban it on popular broadcast programme "Housewives' Choice".
• Idiot Hero: Neddie Seagoon is the nominal hero of most episodes in which he appears, and he's definitely an idiot.
• Motor Mouth: Milligan considered this one of Secombe's defining traits, and wrote Seagoon this way.
• Patriotic Fervour: Often claiming things "For ENGLAAAAND!" (despit Secombe being Welsh).
• Straight Man: Insofar as there was one, it tended to be Neddie — when it wasn't Wallace Greenslade instead.
• Unwitting Pawn: Always. To take one example, in The Case of the Missing CD Plates, Moriarty runs him (and his bagpipes; It Makes Sense in Context) over with a steamroller but escapes prosecution due to the steamroller having Corps Diplomatique, or diplomatic immunity plates — Moriarty later drops a piano on his head — and then cons Seagoon into breaking into an evidence warehouse to screw a CD plate to the wreckage of the piano so he can get off that one as well.

Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

Actor: Peter Sellers

A plausible public school villain and cad.

A suave, sophisticated and occasionally too clever for his own good schemer perpetually thinking up get-rick-quick schemes and criminal enterprises. Usually partners-in-crime with Moriarty.

Tropes

• Armored Closet Gay / Straight Gay: Milligan later admitted, when the show was over, that he had written Grytpype-Thynne as a closeted homosexual; this clarifies certain lines of dialogue, such as:
  Eccles: If I close my eyes, I won't be able to see you!
  Grytpype-Thynne: ...Will you miss me?
  • In The Goon Show Scripts Grytpype-Thynne's full description even includes "Recreations: Homosexuality."
• Big Bad: Generally behind the evil scheme in any episode, unless there was a guest villain, in which case he and Moriarity were Demoted to Extra.
• The Brigadier: In his first appearance on the show ("The Whistling Spy Enigma"). Very much Early-Installment Weirdness.
• Catchphrase: With Moriarty: (singing) "April in Paris - we've found a Charlie!" Also "You silly, twisted boy" (referring to Neddie).
• Deadpan Snarker: Probably the most sarcastic cast member.
• Face–Heel Turn: Granted, the show isn't big on continuity, but in his earliest appearances Grytpype-Thynne was on the "good" side.
• Get-Rich-Quick Scheme: Generally planning one whenever he appears.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Grytpype's voice was based on actor George Sanders. His lines in earlier seasons, before the character had fully developed, were even credited to "Sanders".
• Only Sane by Comparison: This is the Goon Show after all. To give one example, when a set of bagpipes which they had hidden stolen money in is accidentally set on fire he ends up having to go to hospital because he couldn't resist trying to save the money.
• Only Sane Man: Grytpype-Thynne was the only character who had some vague knowledge of how ridiculous the situations were and how crazy all of the others were. Of course, he tried to exploit this at every opportunity.

Comte Jim Moriarty

Actor: Spike Milligan

French scrag and lackey to Grytpype-Thynne.

A french aristocrat who may-or-may-not have escaped from a Sherlock Holmes novel, Moriarty is a co-schemer turned lacky of Grytpype-Thynne who was - originally - the more criminal of the two. Interestingly, over the course of the show his condition deteriorates from a reasonably successful criminal mastermind to a gibbering lackey barely able to clamour for food, let alone money.

Tropes

• Catchphrase: Various faux-foreign outbursts, usually along the lines of "Sapristi bompets!" Also a crooning "Owwwwww" from season 7 onwards.
  • "...and there's more where that came from."
• Cordon Bleugh Chef: Moriarty on several occasions.
  Grytpype-Thynne: (sipping soup) Tell me, Moriarty...what is this foul but economical recipe?
  Moriarty: It's a family secret!
  Grytpype-Thynne: Why?
  Moriarty: They died after the first mouthful. It was terrible! I had to do all the washing up myself!
  • And again...
  Moriarty: *humming to himself while alchemical bubbling goes on in background*
  Grytpype-Thynne: What is that excruciating brew you're sipping from that boot?
  Moriarty: Ohh, taste, taste!
  Grytpype-Thynne: *long, slurping sip* *pause* *spitting/splashing sound* Gad, what is it?
  Moriarty: Your laundry.
  • And again:
  Grytpype-Thynne: What's for breakfast this morning?
  Moriarty: This steaming debris fracoule. Here, taste it!
  [smacking of lips]
  Moriarty: A dish fit for a king, yes?
  Grytpype-Thynne: Only if he's abdicated.
  • And once more, in Who Is Pink Oboe:
  Valentine Dyall: By God, that smells good, Moriarty! What is it?
  Moriarty: Me!
• The Dragon: Poor Moriarty goes from being a rough parody of his Sherlock Holmes Chessmaster counterpart to Thynne's groveling second-in-command.
• Impoverished Patrician: It's implied this is due to Grytpype's scheming.
• In-Series Nickname: Often introduced with one... but never the same one twice. In episodes where he has one, it usually accompanies a sound-effect gag. Such introductions also often include some dubious titles or accomplishments of his.
  Grytpype-Thynne: Do you see those pallid knees rising from the bathwater? They belong to the submerged, fear-ridden body of Count Jim "Bubbles" (FX: bubbling) Moriarty; World Bankruptcy Champion for the year ending 1956.

  Grytpype-Thynne: Allow me to introduce my friend here [...], Count Jim "Knees" (FX: knock on something hollow) Moriarty; Fruit Bottler Extraordinary to the House of Pronk, and ex-World Turkish Bath Champion.

  Grytpype-Thynne: [...] and this heap of rags is none other than Count Jim "Wakey-Wakey!" (FX: two loud slaps, Moriarty wakes up with a cry) Moriarty.

  Grytpype-Thynne: Allow me to introduce my heavily-oiled friend here; Count Fred Moriarty, Cracked Leather Buccin player, and voted Mister Thin Legs of 1912.
  Moriarty: Correction please: Mister Thin *Leg*. I only entered one.

Eccles

Actor: Spike Milligan

The Original Goon.

A good-natured village idiot willing to try to do anything - and make an incredible mess of it.

Tropes

• Achievements in Ignorance: Eccles was prone to them.
• Ambiguously Human: Whenever a joke called for it.
  Bluebottle Why do you have three legs, Eccles?
  Eccles The fourth one fell off.

  Seagoon He was the nearest thing I'd seen to a human being without actually being one.
• Catchphrase: "Fine, fine, fine.", "I'm the famous Eccles!". Also "Oooooohhhh...." when he's realised (too late) that he's caused a disaster.
  • When told to shut up he will repeat "Shut up, Eccles."
• Cloudcuckoolander / The Ditz:
  Neddy Look! There are the bagpipes!
  Eccles Oh! I thought it was a spider in a tartan sweater!
• Delayed Reaction: Eccles in particular is the master of this.
• Literal-Minded
• Simpleton Voice: Based on Goofy.
• Who Would Be Stupid Enough?: He would, usually!

Bluebottle

Actor: Peter Sellers

A cardboard cut-out liquorice and string hero.

An adolescent boy scout from East Finchley who somehow found his way into the production and hasn't yet grasped the concept of "stage directions".

Tropes

• Catchphrase: "You dirty rotten swine you! You have deaded me again!", "I don't like this game", "I heard you call, my Capitan!", "Waits for audience applause ... [pauses, waiting; then:] Not a sausage."
  • Some episodes would introduce a Bluebottle and Eccles segment with "Have you ever (X)'d a (Y) before, Eccles?"
• Cloudcuckoolander
• Death Is Cheap: Bluebottle, following his deading, would usually get in touch to say "You rotten swine, you," and on one occasion encouraged Eccles to "be deaded, then you can go home for tea!"
• Genre Savvy: Bluebottle's recognition of his function in the show... getting blown up.
• KidAnova: Well, he'd like to be, anyway— he often imagines getting the girls' attention with bags of sweets.
• Once per Episode: Bluebottle being "deaded", usually in an explosion.
• No Sense of Direction: In "The White Neddie Trade" he somehow manages to end up in the rainforests of South America under the belief that he's still in East Finchley.
• Not Quite Dead: Par for the course given that after being deaded Bluebottle usually finds some way to shout at whoever caused it.
• Precocious Crush: In "The Missing Boa Constrictor" he has a crush on his teacher, Miss Bowles (whose name he mispronounces as "Miss Bowels").
• Reading the Stage Directions Out Loud: Bluebottle's trademark.
• They Killed Kenny Again: Bluebottle's deadings.
• Trademark Favorite Food: Bluebottle could usually be bribed with dolly mixture, a British confection consisting of small soft sweets and sugar-coated jellies.
  • Dirty Kid: Mind you, when we find out what he can get with those sweets...
  Bluebottle: For a quater-pound of dolly mixture Freda Niggs is mine tonight!

Major Denis Bloodnok, Ind. Arm. Rtd.

Actor: Peter Sellers

Military idiot, coward, and bar.

A greedy, cowardly, retired major of the British Army. Seagoon was at some point his batman (a personal valet to an officer) and is usually either going to him for advice, being discovered unconscious by him or dragging him into situations that require the attention of the Army, like paradropping brass band instruments onto Blackpool.

Tropes

• The Alcoholic: Brandy is one of the few things that can motivate him as much as money.
• Catchphrase: "X my Ys and A my Bs!" as an Unusual Euphemism curse.
  • "Nurse! The screens!"
  • "I don't know who you are sir, or where you come from, but you've done me a power of good." (an Orphaned Punchline).
  • "It was hell in there."
  • He also made a wordless, exclamatory throat-clearing noise, which Milligan spelled in the published scripts as "Aeiough!" and sometimes "Bleiough!"
• Dirty Coward: Major Bloodnok is this trope.
  • To wit, in The Stolen Battleship, after a case of exchanged identity:
  Bloodnok: Here! Give me that money order!
  Eccles: It's mine, I'm Major Bloodnok.
  Bloodnok: Nonsense! You give it to me, you thieving coward!
  Eccles: I'm not a thieving coward!
  Bloodnok: Then that proves it, you're not Major Bloodnok!
• Gasshole: Downplayed for censorship reasons, though a great many episodes introduce him after some sound effects that imply he's having enormous toilet troubles.
  Bloodnok: It goes right through you, you know...
• Great White Hunter: Sometimes.
• I Can Explain: When interrupted with a woman. In one episode, he quickly introduces the woman he is with as his sister; when rebuffed, he reintroduces her as his mother.
• Kavorka Man: Has a surprisingly active love-life for a flatulent elderly man.
• Leitmotif: The only character who gets one. Lots of brass instruments, for reasons suggested above...
• Masochist's Meal: He will sometimes ascribe his digestive agonies to having eaten these; the ingredients often include gunpowder.
• Overranked Soldier: How self-proclaimed 'dirty coward' Major Denis Bloodnok ever obtained his rank is a mystery. More than one episode implies that blackmail had something to do with it, while The Goon Show Scripts puts it down to Masonic connections.
• Suspiciously Specific Denial: Is very quick to deny, in great detail, acts which he wasn't actually being accused of.
  Seagoon: I've written my memoirs.
  Bloodnok: (shocked) What?! It's a lie, I tell you, it's a lie! I wasn't in that wardrobe! In any case, I was waiting for a bus, you see.
  • From "The Jet-Propelled Guided NAAFI"
  Moriarty: Be quiet or I'll tell them who sold those three cardboard tanks.
  Bloodnok: What?! It's all lies! Anyway, they never paid me.

Henry Crun

Actor: Peter Sellers

A thin ancient and inventor.

An elderly and rapidly-deprecating inventor perpetually stymied by a lack of raw materials. Frequently deaf, slow and forgetful, which causes all the more trouble when he inevitably shows up as an official or other form of bureaucrat. Seems to be in a relationship with Miss Minnie Bannister, but details are never elaborated.

Tropes

• Bungling Inventor: In his earlier appearances. Hampered by a near-constant shortage of raw material leading to...
• Catchphrase: "You can't get the wood, you know...". Also, "a shortage of shortages."
  • Lampshaded in "The Siege of Fort Night;" where he says the catchphrase several times in rapid succession before Seagoon offers to get the wood for him, at which point he says it will be difficult because "I can't say 'you can't get the wood, you know...'"
• Heterosexual Life-Partners: With Miss Minnie Bannister.
• Jack of All Trades: He and Minnie have different odd jobs every episode. Moss collector for the BBC, for example. In the Amazon.

Crun: Have you put the tiger out, Min?

• Scatterbrained Senior: He often fell asleep in mid-sentence. This is exaggerated in "The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal", when he and Minnie spend nearly five whole minutes wittering back and forth about Neddie being unable to get in to the building without the key, having the great idea to throw the key out of the window to him, and then immediately forgetting the idea a few seconds later.
• Verbal Tic: Mumbling approximately rendered as "Mnk — grnk — mnk — mnk — grmp."

Miss Minnie Bannister

Actor: Spike Milligan

Spinster of the Parish.

A scatterbrained elderly old woman who seems to be in a relationship with Crun. Even slower, deafer and more surreal than he is - particularly on the topic of doors.

Tropes

• Catchphrase: "We'll all be murdered in our beds!" and referring to everyone as "buddy".
• Cool Old Lady: Parodied. In spite of being a frail old lady, "Modern Min" is a fan of modern, sinful dancing and music, which drives Henry wild. She also appears to have a crush on Major Bloodnok. This infuruates Henry, but there's nothing he can do about it because Sellers is playing Bloodnok at the time.
• Dirty Old Woman: Hinted at:
  Crun: It's the war-whoops of the Nakataka Indians!
  Minnie: Are they the ones that commit atrocities?
  Crun: Yes, Min!
  Minnie: I'll go upstairs and get ready.
• Heterosexual Life-Partners: With Henry.
• Lady Drunk: Has a fondness for the bottle, even if it means drinking rubbing alcohol, among other substances.

Crun: You've been at the spirit gum again!

Minnie: I’ve been taking too many of those Australian zoom pills, Henry.

• Never Mess with Granny: She can drive off entire tribes of Natives with her saxophone. On one occasion she fought - and beat - a fully-grown gorilla! Granted, it turned out to be Eccles.

Other Minor Characters

The various bit-parts, Running Gags and other semi-reoccurring roles that never quite managed to break out like the rest of them.

William "Mate" Cobblers (Sellers)

A working-class cockney, usually found in the role of a minor official or civil worker.

• Catchphrase: "You can't park that 'ere, Mate."
• In-Series Nickname: Sewer-man Sam, a reference to his more menial occupations.
• Spell My Name With An S: In the fandom his name is frequently spelt 'Willium', which is closer to how he pronounces it.
• Verbal Tic: "Mate". He manages to work it into almost every sentence.

Throat (Milligan)

More a controlled belch given lines than an actual character. Implied to be female. Frequently takes the role of a police sergeant under Seagoon's command.

• Catchphrase: "COR BLIMEY, I'M OFF."
• Vocal Dissonance: A very deep voice, usually attributed to a beautiful woman.

Flowerdew (Sellers)

A very camp young man.

• Camp Straight: Maybe. Homosexuality was illegal in Britain at the time.

Lalkaka (Sellers) and Banerjee (Milligan)

Two Indian gentlemen who tend to bicker with each other in curry-scented English

• Bilingual Bonus: Both Sellers and Milligan were fluent in Hindi so, naturally, they took the chance to slip some absolutely filthy dialogue past the BBC censors. This was at one point claimed to have produced complaints from nice little old ladies, only for the Goons to claim back that if they understood the dialogue then they likely weren't nice little old ladies.
• Funny Foreigner: To the audiences of '50s Britain anyway.
• Metaphorgotten: They tend to use long-winded, convoluted ways of describing the simple tasks they are trying to do at the moment.

Eidelberger (Sellers)

A German, of the House of Eidelberger.

• Punny Name: "Eidelberger" - Idle Bugger.

Lew Cash (Sellers)

Based on real-life impresario Lew Grade. He's usually the residant financial manager.

• Greedy Jew: Not so much greedy but rather the only one of the cast good with money. The negative aspects of the stereotype are dodged by virtue of Sellers himself being Jewish.
• Jews Love to Argue: Well haggle at least. especially if it's over ransom money.
• Yiddish as a Second Language

Little Jim (Milligan)

A squeaky-voiced child who has exactly one line.

• Catchphrase: "He's fallen in the water!"
  • This is worth elaborating on; Milligan created Little Jim in an effort to prove that a Catchphrase was nothing more than a nonsensical statement repeated until the audience was brainwashed into laughing at it. He succeeded.
• Irony: Ends up in the water himself a few times.
• The Unintelligible: Everything apart from his Catch Phrase is completely incomprehensible, including to Little Jim himself.

Adolphus Spriggs (Milligan)

A crooner who is introduced to fill in time and to replace the musicians of the show when they're on strike.

• Musicalis Interruptus: Frequently he'd never make it past the first line of his time-filling-in songs before the plot resumes.

Jim Spriggs (Milligan)

A bit-part character usually working alongside Bloodnok.

• One-Steve Limit: Averted; aside from also being voiced by Milligan, he has no connection to either Little Jim or Adolphus Spriggs.
• Verbal Tic: Calling everybody Jim, accompanied by drawing out the syllable of the name as long and as high as possible.
  Jim Spriggs: We must take action Jiiiiiiiim!

Also appearing were...

The other cast members who frequently get roped into the madness.

Wallace Greenslade

This is the BBC Home Service

The more famous of the two announcers to serve with The Goon Show. It is a rare episode indeed where he is confined to his BBC-appointed role.

• Ascended Extra: Gets involved in the story from time-to-time.
• A Day in the Limelight: The Greenslade Story - a full episode telling the (fictitious) story of how he became a BBC announcer.
• Butt-Monkey: Being one of the more serious personalities made him quite a target for nonsense.
• It's All About Me: Has tried to hijack the show on a couple of occasions, to the cheers of his fan club.
• Lemony Narrator: Frequently just as confused as the audience.
• Straight Man: Usually to Seagoon during the opening.

Max Geldray

Harmonica Noises

Jazz harmonicist who, with the backing of the orchestra, performed for the first regular musical interlude in each show.

• Ascended Extra: Rarely has more than a line or two.
• Gag Nose: Allegedly. It keeps the rain off his tie.
• In-Series Nickname: "Conks" in reference to his big nose.

Ray Ellington (and his quartet)

African-English jazz singer who performs for the second musical interlude with his backing band. His accent gets him roped into several shows where the narrative needs someone who can convincingly play a foreigner, usually an African Tribal Chief. Or alternatively; other roles where his accent would be hilariously out of place. George Chisholm, a member of the quartet, would often get roped in to play Scotsmen.

• Ascended Extra: On a similar level as Greenslade for extra roles.
• Bait-and-Switch: More than a few times, where a joke about his skin tone would have been too obvious.
  Neddie: How did he get into a regiment of Highlanders?
  Bloodnok: He, er, lied about his age.
• Fair for Its Day: Although a lot of the cracks about his skin tone and race would raise eyebrows today, Ellington was definitely in on them when they were being recorded.
  Bloodnok: (barely keeping a straight face) Ellington! Are you turning yellow?
  Ellington: Man, does it look like it?
• Noble Savage: Inverted; Ellington's tribal chief roles were frequently depicted as being more sensible and sophisticated than the rest of the cast.
  Bloodnok: As we neared the Fort we became familiar with African customs.
  Ellington: Anything to declare, white man?
• Only Sane Man: By Goon standards.
• Punny Name: One of his recurring roles is that of Sheikh Rattle-and-Roll.

Valentine Dyall

The Man in Black

Host of the BBC's radio horror series Appointment with Fear and the most frequently appearing guest on The Goon Show appearing in ten episodes total. Known for his deep, sinister baritone and macabre aura of menace that never quite went away, even when he was in a ridiculous situation.

• Evil Counterpart: In a sense to Grytpype-Thynne, having a similar-sounding voice and usually taking a similar antagonistic role. Dyall conveys much more menace than Grytpype-Thynne and his schemes are usually him planning to murder Neddie rather than just simply use him as a fall guy.
• The Other Darrin: Was brought in to cover for Sellers on more than one occasion.
• You Get What You Pay For: Is now known as "The Man in Grey"
  Seacombe: What brought about this change?
  Dyall: A very cheap dry cleaners...