Quotes / The Goon Show

• Overly Long Gag: The show's most excruciating example is in "The Affair of the Lone Banana":
  Henry: Let us get some details and documents...we must have the documents, you know. I'll just take a few particulars. Now, let's get the details and the documents...we must have the documents, you know.
  Seagoon: Of course.
  Henry:...Must have the documents. Ymnbnkhmn, now, what's all this about? Oh yes, yes. Your name?
  Seagoon: Neddie Pugh Seagoon.
  Henry: N, E, D, D, I, E... Neddie — what was next?
  Seagoon: Neddie Pugh Seagoon.
  Henry: Pugh, P, H, E, W.
  Seagoon: No no no, it's pronounced "Phew" but it's spelt "Pug".
  Henry: P, U, G, H, P, U, G, H, yes, P, U, G, H, — there — Neddie... Pug... Sea-dune wasn't it?
  Seagoon: Yes...Seagoon, S, E, A, G, O, O, N.
  Henry: Could you spell it?
  Seagoon: Certainly — S, E, A, G, O, O, N.
  Henry: Seagoon... S, E, A, er — mnkk — mnkk [Snores]
  Seagoon: G, O, O, N, Seagoon.
  Henry:...Oh yes yes yes, good, good, yes, yes, yes, the full name. Now er — address?
  Seagoon: No fixed abode.
  Henry: No... F, I, X, E, D, fixed... A, B...
  Seagoon: A, B, O, D, E.
  Henry: O, D, E... There we are — No fixed abode — What number?
  (beat)
  Seagoon: 29A.
  Henry: 29A... Twenty-nine...A... District?
  Seagoon: London, SW 2.
  Henry: L, O, N, D, O, N - South West E, S, T... Two, wasn't it?
  Seagoon: Yes, two.
  Henry: T, W... It's no good, I'd better get a pencil and paper and write all this down.
• Overly Long Gag: Another example, from "The Phantom Head-Shaver (of Brighton)":
  Milligan: [narrating] ...a hurried meeting was called.
  Cast: [fast murmurs]
  Old man: Gentlemen! People aren't coming to Brighton; they're frightened. I ask you to think of an idea that will revive the holiday trade and defeat the Phantom Head Shaver!
  Crun: Mnk — I suggest that every one entering Brighton be handed a bald wig and that he should sleep in that self-same wig.
  Minnie: Rubbish — if all the men wear bald wigs, the Phantom will attack the women.
  Crun: I fear that the ladies, too, will have to wear bald wigs.
  Minnie: Rubbish, buddy. Why should I wear a bald wig? I'm already bald.
  Crun: Well, wear a bald wig — mnk — with hair on.
  Minnie: You c- — You can't have a bald wig with hair on, buddy.
  Crun: Gnk — mnk. Why not — eh — why not?
  Minnie: What? What? I'll tell you, listen, listen. If a bald wig had hair on — it wouldn't be bald.
  Crun: What? What? What? What? What? What?
  Minnie: Who ever heard of a bald-headed man with hair on, eh?
  Crun: Well, I've heard of, I've...
  Minnie: Who? Who? Go on, tell me, who? Who? Who?
  Crun: No, no, no — I'm not going to tell you.
  Minnie: That's because you don't know anybody with a hairy bald head, do you?
  Crun: Yes I do, Minnie.
  Minnie: No you don't.
  Crun: ...I do Minnie.
  Minnie: Who, who? Go on, tell me, who?
  Crun: I don't see why I should tell you.
  Crun and Minnie: [argue unintelligibly]
  Minnie: ...because you don't know an- — you don't know any one with a hairy bald head. Do you?
  Crun: [mumbles grudgingly] Mnk... I do ... I do know somebody with a hairy bald head.
  Minnie: ...you don't.
  Crun: Mnk — grnp — knp... I do.
  Minnie: Don't.
  Crun: Mnk — do.
  Minnie: Y'don't.
  Crun: [shouts angrily] Mnk — grmp — nuk — knup... I... mnk. I dooooooooo!
  Minnie: [shouts angrily] You don'ttttttttttt!
  FX: [clash of sabres to mix with argument — two pistol shots — sabres continue — one pistol shot followed by silence]
  Crun: Mnk, I do.
  Minnie: Y'don't. I'm going home — I say you don't know a bald man with hair on his head, so there. Pah!
  FX: [door slams]
  Crun: Pah... I do, I...
  FX: [phone rings — receiver picked up.]
  Minnie: [distorted] You don't.
  Crun: I do.
  FX: [receiver slammed down.]
  Crun: I do.
  FX: [door opens.]
  Minnie: You don't.
  FX: [door slams.]
  Crun: I do, I...
  FX: [phone rings — receiver grabbed off hook]
  Crun: [​shouts furiously] I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO! I DO KNOW A MAN WITH A HAIRY BALD HEAD! I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO KNOW A— BALD-HEADED HAIRY MAN! A HAIRY MAN BALD-HEADED, I DO I DO! I DO KNOW A MAN WITH A HAIRY BALD HEAD! SO THERE! I DOOO!
  Milligan: Thank you. Could I speak to Mr. Seagoon, please?
• A third example of Overly Long Gag, from "The Tuscan Salami Scandal" (in which Sellers and Milligan had to fill extra time as the musicians were on strike), with Henry and Minnie being the perfect example of Scatterbrained Seniors:
  FX: [door knocking, fades into the background and continues under]
  Crun: Dear, dear... Why must people call in the middle of the night, and why can't they come at a reasonable...Mnk... Min?
  Minnie: What, what what what? Yes buddy?
  Crun: There's somebody knocking, Min.
  Minnie: Yes, Henry, yes. Somebody knocking.
  Crun: One, one, one of us will have to answer the door, Minnie.
  Minnie: You answer it, Henry. I can't find my boot in the dark.
  Crun: Well then, turn on the light, Min.
  Minnie: I can't, Henry.
  Crun: Why not?
  Minnie: When it's dark I can't find the light.
  Crun: I've just had a clever idea, Min.
  Minnie: Have you, Henry?
  Crun: Yes Min dear. It is a very clever idea.
  Minnie: Oooohhhhh. How did you come to think of it, Henry?
  Crun: You know, it came to me when I was... thinking about... thinking about... Min?
  Minnie: Yes, Henry?
  Crun: I've forgotten what it was I was thinking about when I got the idea.
  Minnie: Nevermind, Henry. [beat] What was the idea?
  Crun: I've forgotten, Min.
  Minnie: Oh.
  Crun: [smacking lips]
  [beat]
  Crun: Min?
  Minnie: Yes, yes Henry?
  Crun: He's stopped knocking, Min.
  Minnie: Oh dear. Perhaps he's gone away, buddy.
  Crun: Dear, what a pity.
  Minnie: Why, Henry?
  Crun: I just remembered the clever idea I had.
  Minnie: Oh. What was it, Henry?
  Crun: That we should throw the key out of the window, Min.
  Minnie: Oh. That was a clever idea, Henry.
  Crun: Yes dear it was, wasn't it. [beat] Oh dear, dear...
  Minnie: Henry?
  Crun: Mm?
  Minnie: Supposing he comes back?
  Crun: He won't be able to get in, Min. You can't get in without the key you know, you must have the key to get in, Min.
  Minnie: But he hasn't got the key, Henry.
  Crun: What key, Min?
  Minnie: The key to the door.
  Crun: Well, he won't be able to get in.
  Minnie: No, no Henry. I know that.
  Crun: He must have the key, Min, otherwise he can't get through the door.
  Minnie: I know, I know, I know, but you've got the key, Henry!
  Crun: Yes, then he can't get in. He must have the key, you know, you can't get in without keys, you can't get...
  Minnie: I— yes— no— ohh. Why don't you throw the key out of the window, Henry?
  Crun: Oh, that's an idea, isn't it?
  Minnie: A clever idea. A clever one.
  Crun: Yes. How did you ever think of such a clever idea?
  Minnie: What idea, Henry?
  Crun: You said... the idea... that... what... [beat] What was the idea?
  Minnie: I don't know, I've no idea, Henry.
  Crun: But you said you had one, Min!
  Minnie: Had one what?
  Crun: What I'm asking you!
  Minnie: What are you asking me about?!
  Crun: You stupid old— I was asking—
  Minnie: Don't you start shouting at me again, I'm... Oooohhhhhhhhh! [gets fainter, then louder again] Once round the room does me good you know. Oh dear.
  FX: [door knocking resumes]
  Crun: He's knocking again, Min.
  Minnie: I know Henry, I know.
  Crun: One of us will have to answer the door, Min.
  Minnie: You answer it Henry, I can't find my boot in the dark.
  Seagoon: [distant] Hey! Anyone! If you don't want to come down, throw me the key and I'll let myself in!
  Minnie: Throw him the key, Henry.
  Crun: That's a very clever idea, Min. I'll just open the window...
  FX: [window opening]
  Crun: Watch out! Here it comes!
  FX: [ting!] [splash!]
  Seagoon: [distant] Dash it! I've missed it! It's gone down the drain!
  Crun: Oh dear, they've fallen down the drain. Now he can't get in, Min. You can't get in without the key you know. I wish he hadn't come.