Characters / The Fast Show

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The Offroaders

Simon Bird

Played by: Charlie Higson

Simon, along with his friend Lyndsay, is making a video of their outdoor exploits to try to impress the people at their Offroading club. However, he is unable to hide the fact that they are crap at everything they do.

• All There in the Manual: His surname is never heard in any of the sketches.
• Cool Shades: He is almost always seen wearing sunglasses.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Simon is often very mean to Lyndsay, but he is quick to try and calm him down when Lyndsay gets frightened.
• Mushroom Samba: When he and Lyndsay go on a Survival Expedition, they cook some mushrooms he found (and top put them on a pizza Lyndsay got from a nearby Pizza Hut). The next time we see him, Simon is high and covered in face paint, and calling himself the Mushroom God.
• In-Series Nickname: Si

Lyndsay Motteram

Played by: Paul Whitehouse

Lyndsay, unlike his friend Simon, seems to hold the view that their adventures are just a bit of fun. He is contently laughing or telling crap jokes to Simon or the camera, much to his friend's irritation.

• All There in the Manual: His surname is never heard in any of the sketches.
• In-Series Nickname: Lynds
• Unfriendly Fire: During the Offroaders' attempt at paintball, every time Simon asks Lyndsey to cover him, Lyndsey invariably winds up shooting him in the back.

Baz

Baz is Lyndsay and Simon's friend, who comes along with them on their adventures to film them on his camera.

• Only Known by Their Nickname
• The Unseen: We never see him; we only occasionally hear his voice.

Rowley Birkin QC

Played by: Paul Whitehouse

A sozzled old minister who tells long rambling stories about his life.

• Cloud Cuckoolander: Regardless if his stories are true or not, he’s a rather odd man.
• Tear Jerker: He tells one story that appears to be of a lost love. He then delivers his catchphrase totally soberly straight to the camera.
• The Alcoholic: Every story of his involves being very, very drunk.
• The Unintelligible: His stories involve a lot of mumbling and rambling, punctuated with the occasional word the audience is able to understand.

Ron Manager

Ron Manager

Played by Paul Whitehouse

A former footballer, Ron Manager is a middle aged manager and pundit, who is often found in the commentary box during football matches. Unfortunately, Ron is prone to talking about literally anything but the football, much to the irritation of the presenter and Tommy.

• Ambiguously Gay: Ron frequently makes comments about how various football players are attractive, and on one occasion says this:
  "Which is another reason not to kiss girls!"
• Catchphrase: 'Small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts...'.
• Verbal Tic: 'Isn't it?' 'Wasn't it?' 'Hmm?' 'Marvellous!'
• Waxing Lyrical: Ron does this constantly. Sometimes, he actually starts singing.

Tommy Stein

Played by Mark Williams

A Scottish former footballer, Tommy is often found sitting next to Ron in the commentary box. He is much more sensible than Ron, usually actually answering the questions given to him, although he sometimes acts just as badly as Ron.

• Ambiguously Gay: Tommy has joined in Ron's discussions about which footballers they find most attractive.
• Waxing Lyrical: Tommy is prone to doing this too.

Ted and Ralph

Ralph Mayhew

Played by Charlie Higson

Ralph lives alone in the manor house in the village he grew up in. His parents are dead and he isn't married. The only person he regularly talks to is his groundskeeper, Ted. It is no great secret to everyone in the village that Ralph is gay, and the object of his affection is Ted. Ralph spends most of his time trying not-so-subtly trying to ask Ted out, with little success.

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• Beware the Nice Ones: Ralph is a very nice, calm person, but he will snap and yell at anyone who insults Ted. A good example of this is when Ralph is out shooting in the grounds with Clive, a fellow landowner. Clive keeps insulting Ted (including picking on him for being Irish and expecting him to do menial jobs like cleaning his shoes), and Ralph visibly gets more and more tense and irritated, before finally snapping:
  Ralph: [Screaming and grabbing Clive's jacket] LEAVE HIM ALONE! LEAVE! HIM! ALONE!
• Cannot Spit It Out: He can never quite get to the point of declaring his interest in Ted.
• The Woobie: Ralph is the sort of character you just want to hug.

Ted

Played by Paul Whitehouse

Ted is an Irish groundskeeper, and lives in the cottage inside the grounds of the Mayhew manor house. He has worked there since he was a young man; he used to work for Ralph's father, and now works for Ralph. He is married to Esther, but she dies some time during the third series. Ted spends most of his time gently rejecting Ralph's offers.

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• Catchphrase: He is much concerned with "the drainage in the lower fields", although this does often seem to be a bit of a tactic to try and extricate himself from an awkward conversation with Ralph.
• Only Known by Their Nickname: Ted's full name (Edward) is not heard until series 3 episode 8 and his surname is never given at all.
• Only Sane Man: Unlike just about every other character in the show Ted seems to be a perfectly normal guy stuck in a recurring awkward social situation.
• The Woobie: Ted certainly becomes one of these after his wife dies.

Archie

Archie

Played by Paul Whitehouse

Archie, an ageing pub bore, is usually found in his local pub of an evening. Sporting a three piece suit and always carrying a pint of beer and a lit cigarette, he is apparently lonely, because he doesn't seem to have anyone to talk to. This leads him to approach strangers and start talking to them about their interest or job. Somehow, Archie is always an expert in this subject, and rambles on about how he did it for 'thirty years, man and boy'. However, these conversations always end with Archie giving the person a lecture about fishing and Frank Sinatra.

• Catchphrase: 'Thirty years, man and boy'.
• Fan Dumb: Archie is a textbook example of the monomaniac subtype.
• The Woobie: Archie's situation is rather depressing, when you think about it. He lives alone, his dog his ill, and on one occasion he reveals that he's had suicidal thoughts.

Dave Angel

Dave Angel

Played by Simon Day

Dave Angel, Eco Warrior is a typical Essex lad with one key difference: he actually cares about the environment. He appears to be presenting his own television programme, teaching the public about how to help the environment. However, his efforts are constantly hindered by his wife, Shirley.

• Funny Background Event: Shirley is often doing the exact thing Dave is warning against in the background whilst he is talking to the camera.
• No Fourth Wall: Dave talks directly to the camera.

Bob Fleming

Bob Fleming

Played by Charlie Higson

Bob Fleming is the ageing host of the long-running country TV programme, Country Matters. He is very passionate about his job, but, unfortunately for Nick, the producer, Bob cannot stop coughing long enough for the viewers to actually understand what he is saying. He is often joined by his various friends, who all have similar problems.

• Character Tic: His cough.
• Country Matters: The name of his programme is presumably not accidental.
• Punny Name: Bob Fleming may have a problem with phlegm.

Clive Tucker

Played by Mark Williams

Clive Tucker is one of Bob's oldest friends. A recurring guest on 'Country Matters', he too loves the country, but his hay fever often means he can't stop sneezing.

• Character Tic: His constant sneezing.

Jed Thomas

Played by Paul Whitehouse

Jed Thomas is another of Bob's friends, and the other recurring guest on 'Country Matters'. His problem is that he appears to have Tourette's Syndrome, and so cannot stop saying the word 'arse'.

• Hollywood Tourette's: Not all people with Tourette's Syndrome swear, and they have physical tics too.
• Verbal Tic: ARSE!

Swiss Toni

Swiss Toni

Played by Charlie Higson

The suave middle-aged owner of a used car dealership. Flashily-presented in a silver-grey double-breasted suit, a large bouffant and moustache, Toni tends to view life through the single prism of his sexual appetites. He sees himself as a man of the world mentoring his young employee Paul in the ways of selling cars and dealing with the ladies, but it quickly becomes apparent that his life is not running as smooth as he presents himself.

• Catchphrase: "Doing [X], Paul, is like making love to a beautiful woman..."
• Hidden Depths: For all his apparent charm and sophistication, events in his personal life appear to have shattered his confidence.
• Hollywood Mid-Life Crisis: One that, as the sketches progress, gradually starts to boil over into a full-blown mental collapse.
• Just Like Making Love: His Running Gag.
• Madness Mantra: One late-arc sketch ends with Toni, having gotten lost in a Metaphorgotten rant about the similarities between making a cup of coffee and sleeping with a woman and sending Paul out to deal with a customer that he was too frightened to handle himself, alone in his office muttering "Got to get it back, Toni... got to get it back..." to himself.
• Metaphorgotten: As his marriage falls apart, his business fails and his life gradually crumbles, his constant comparisons to making love to beautiful women start to become a lot more tenuous.
• Sexist Used Car Salesman: Practically the dictionary definition of the trope. One of his final sketches involves him, after undergoing some therapy, amazed to discover that women are actually people.
• Small Name, Big Ego: While it may have been true at one point, it's heavily implied that Swiss Toni's boasts of success have not been as accurate as he'd like for a while; his car dealership never seems to have customers, his marriage appears to have broken down, and for all his braggadocio about the opposite sex the one time a woman actually appears at the lot he spends his time hiding in his office pontificating until she eventually goes away.
• Story Arc: His sketches follow an ongoing narrative surrounding the collapse of his marriage and business and a gradual nervous breakdown.
• Wham Line: "FOR GOD'S SAKE PAUL! Do you not realise?! I'm... having a nervous breakdown..."

Paul

Played by Rhys Thomas

Toni's young employee on the car lot. While less experienced in the world, he has lots more common sense than his employer.

• Armor-Piercing Question: After yet another session of Toni boasting about his success with women and the amount of numbers he has in his little black book, Paul sympathetically-yet-knowingly asks "Is that why your wife left you?" The response is a silent, cold glare from Toni.

Monkfish

Monkfish

Played by Simon Day

The main character of several brand new BBC drama series played by John Actor, Monkfish is tough and uncompromising in whatever profession he undertakes.

• Acting for Two: Invoked with Monkfish & Monkfish where John Actor plays both Inspector Monkfish and Inspector Monkfish, parodying the Buddy Cop Show where the pair of them are assigned to the same case and both demand that the other make them a cup of tea.
• Blasphemous Boast: In Monkfish, M.D., he claims that "God doesn't heal people, I do."
• Catchphrase: He has a couple of recurring ones:
  • "I'm in charge here" is often used when he arrives on the scene.
  • "[Title] Monkfish, to you" when someone simply refers to him by name.
  • "Put your knickers on and go and make me a cup of tea!" is always directed at female characters, the first instance of which is to the murder victim's grieving widow.
• The Character Died with Himinvoked: Invoked, defied, and Played for Laughs. John Actor himself dies at some point, but that doesn't stop the BBC from using his corpse for a posthumous role in McMonkfish, where he plays a tough, uncompromising, dead Scottish detective.
• Cowboy Cop: His default personality is a tough, uncompromising detective regardless of whatever job he's doing, whether he's actually a cop or he's a doctor, vet, generalissimo, butler, or interior decorator.
• Cross-Cast Role: In universe, Prime Monkfish is this. That said, it's literally just John Actor playing Monkfish in a dodgy blonde wig.
• Doctor Jerk: In Monkfish M.D. and All Monkfish Great And Small, Monkfish brings his distinct tough, uncompromising persona to the job by being the biggest asshole he can be.
• Overt Operative: When he's undercover, his disguise is basically to walk a short distance behind mobsters as a one man band, making as much noise as possible.
• Meaningful Name: Not Monkfish himself, but he's portrayed by an actor with the incredibly fitting name of John Actor.
• Straw Misogynist: His default reaction to any female characters is to demand they put their knickers on and get him a cup of tea. Well, except in Prime Monkfish, where he is the female character. This includes a murder victim's widow.
• They Call Me MISTER Tibbs!: Whenever someone refers to him by name, he'll correct them with "That's Inspector/Doctor/Generalissimo Monkfish to you!"
• Typecasting: Invoked. John Actor plays Monkfish exactly the same way, regardless of his profession.
• Why Do You Keep Changing Jobs?: He has various different professions in each series, all with the same tough, uncompromising approach to the job.