"Playing card games is just like making love. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games."
— Grandpa, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
Describing a topic is very much like the physical act of love...
A character compares an activity, no matter how unrelated or mundane, to sex. They're likely to go into great detail (often giving a description that has no resemblance to sex whatsoever, or is only about sex and not the other activity). If a character does this all the time, it can overlap with Talks Like a Simile. Looks like Freud really WAS right.
Compare: Better than Sex.
Examples
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Abridged Series
- The Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series example that provides the page quote.
- Joey provides a similar example, stating that you treat a duel disk like you would a woman, "sticking cards in it at regular intervals."
- In 50% OFF, Haru's opening monologue compares swimming to doing somebody, because "you dive in, flop around a bit, and you either get booed or somebody gives you a medal." Though this doesn't mean you can have sex with your neighbor's above-ground pool.
Comics
- Agent X: One issue had a man loudly describing his meal to his disgusted date as the trope. Alex beats the crap out of him at the spot claiming food is not sex.
Film
- In the Hong Kong film Temptation Of A Monk, the old monk has his head shaved by the protagonist. He does it so much more smoothly than the other monks, the old monk describes it as "just like what men and women do together."
- In the Movie Drumline:
Shaun: Playing the drums... it's like making love. You can't keep looking down and seeing what's going on down there.
- In Lord of War:
Yuri Orlov: The first time you sell a gun is a lot like the first time you have sex: you have absolutely no idea what you're doing, but it is exciting, and one way or another, it's over way too fast.
- In The Cherokee Kid, the titular character, having never ridden a horse before, is naturally having trouble mounting a horse. When the leader of his gang tells him that mounting a horse is like making love to a woman, the Kid tries to hide the fact that he doesn't know anything about that either. A female member of the gang takes his hand and drags him into a nearby cave. Several minutes later, the Kid comes out and immediately mounts the horse with no problem.
- Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl presents this exchange during the Bruces sketch:
Bruce#1 (Eric Idle): We find your American beer a little like making love in a canoe.
Bruce#2 (Neil Innes): Making love in a canoe?
Bruce#1 (Eric Idle): It's fucking close to water. - Pumping Iron: One of the most well-known bits in the movie is when Arnold Schwarzenegger compares "the pump", an inflation and tightening of the muscles brought about by blood pumping into them during exercise, to climaxing during sex.
- The Starfighters. No, this isn't about the endless refueling scenes. One of the higher-ups flat-out says flying a fighter jet is like making love.
Col. Hunt: Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?Crow [as Maj. Stevens]: Uh, you have to pay?
- Tank Girl: Played With, as Rebecca tries to encourage "Jet" to be more assertive:
Tank Girl: Just think back to the first time you got laid. You've just gotta say, "Daddy, are you sure this is right?"
Jokes
- How is a rainy day like making love to a woman? When it gets wet, you go inside.
- Math is a lot like sex: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.
- Pizza is a lot like sex: everyone has their favorite variety, most people are still going to accept the default version, and if you use barbecue sauce you better know what you're doing.
Literature
- In Guards! Guards!, a joke similar to the Monty Python joke in Film is told: Vimes calls particularly weak coffee "love-in-a-canoe" coffee. The punchline is omitted.
- In the Hurog duology, Ward describes being near Oreg while the mage performs magic as very intimate, "almost erotic" experience, like a hand touching him intimately.
- The Kingkiller Chronicle's magic of Naming involves an innate, intuitive awareness of a force of nature and is much more personal than other magical arts. When Kvothe asks a Wizarding School professor how many Names he knows, the professor says with some embarrassment that the question is akin to asking how many people he's slept with.
Live-Action TV
- Blackadder Goes Forth:
Lord Flasheart: The first thing to remember is: always treat your kite [taps picture of airplane] like you treat your woman!
Lieutenant George: How, how do you mean, Sir? Do you mean, do you mean take her home at weekends to meet your mother?
Lord Flasheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back! - A Running Gag on The Fast Show with Swiss Toni:
Swiss Toni: Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. Pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
- Though when he had a nervous breakdown he descended into Metaphorgotten:
Swiss Toni: Answering the phone, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... pick up... the receiver... speak loudly and clearly... oh, and always state your name... (to himself) You're losing it, Toni... - Steve Martin - "Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town."
- Real Time with Bill Maher: Bill Maher on the Iraq War.
Bill Maher: Our intention was good; to penetrate Iraq and bring it to a glorious euphoric climax. But it's clear now, that's not going to happen... and yet, we're still pounding away, causing the whole area to become painfully inflamed... and in that situation the kindest thing you can do is just pull out.
- George Carlin had used similar metaphors to describe Vietnam and the Gulf War.
- On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Willow of all people gets one when they first go to college.
Willow: ...the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know? And letting this place just thrust into and, and spurt knowledge into... that sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
- On Leverage, Sophie, while trying to sell a car, asks a customer if he knows how driving it is like making love to a beautiful woman.
Customer: Because I've never done either before in my life?
- The NCIS Season Six episode "South by Southwest":
Sheriff Clay Boyd: Riding a horse is like making love. You just gotta relax and enjoy it.
Tony: Sheriff, I have a feeling that you and I enjoy both those activities in very different ways, no disrespect. - This is how Eric describes hacking on NCIS: Los Angeles, prompting Hetty to suggest that they need to have a long conversation.
Music
- The 1991 Bingoboys' hit "How to Dance" has a line that goes "Show you how to dance/it's like sex/start out dry/end up all wet."
- LL Cool J once described the act of making love as like "Pink Cookies in a Plastic Bag Getting Crushed by Buildings". By his own admission, he was high as hell when he came up with the phrase, but it somehow stuck as a song title.
Newspaper Comics
- Used in an early FoxTrot strip, with Roger getting glared at by his wife after trying to lecture his son... on the fine art of lighting a fire.
- In another strip, Roger is talking to Andy about how he remembers how they used to do it two times a day, and now they barely do it at all anymore. He was referring, of course, to playing chess.
Tabletop Games
- SLA Industries has a rather bizarre, psychotic example in how one Contract Killer (Think the Hunters from The Running Man) describes his job of killing people for money:
Glenn "Carnage" Berry: It's like sex. The first few times are the biggest thrill in the world, then you stop for some reason and you miss it a hundred times worse than when you never did it. Then you start doing it regularly, and it becomes a part of your everyday life... I mean, you look forward to it, and it's good, but it's not the same as when you first started. Then you find you are doing it less and less until one day it's really good because you did something different. Then for a few years you look for the different thing. Then you look at yourself one day and you're wearing a strange costume and a weird mask and chains and things...
Visual Novels
- Teruteru Hanamura of Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair mentions that he loves cooking because of what its intertwining meats and flowing juices remind him of. Hajime knows exactly what he's talking about, but the correct response is an awkward silence since he's too embarrassed to say it out loud.
Video Games
- The Secret of Monkey Island: "Swordfighting is kinda like making love. It's not what you do but what you say what's important."
- Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag parodies Monkey Island in a discussion between some guards on the left side of Laurens Prins's mansion, during the mission where you have to infiltrate this mansion.
"The way I see it, sword fighting is a little like making love. It's not always what you do, but what you say"
"A pity for you then, you're the most inarticulate bugger I've ever met"
"Oy, man. That ain't... that ain't... nice." - Mark of the Ninja: Ora tells you, "The beginning of a kill is like embracing a lover. The end, of course, is not."
- Hiravias, a Lovable Sex Maniac from Pillars of Eternity, quips that this might be the case for eating souls — something his tribe believes his autumn stelgaer form is capable of, but he's never tried.
Hiravias: Maybe eating souls is like fucking — I just meet the right person, instinct will take over, and I'll feel ashamed yet smug the following morning.
Webcomics
- Used in one SMBC page, about trees. Let's just say someone had to clean bark out of his teeth.
- Used earlier in SMBC relating to a deep fried chimpanzee!
Western Animation
- Archer: The team is tasked with protecting a sixteen-year-old girl who repeatedly tries to seduce Archer and acts sexually aggressive in general. When they wind up on ski mobiles and he has to teach her how to drive one, she compares it to "what men like me to do to their Wilhelms." Archer quickly realizes she's never actually been near a man's Wilhelm.
- Used a few times in Futurama.
- Parodied in "The Series Has Landed", when Amy is trying to retrieve the keys to a spaceship from a claw arcade game.
Bender: Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know: Left, down, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor.
Amy: I know how to make love! - After Fry first tries a delicious Poppler, he declares "It's like sex, except I'm having it!"
- In a deleted scene to Into the Wild Green Yonder, Zapp states that for him, making an arrest is like making love. "It may or may not hold up, and it's often challenged in court."
- Parodied in "The Series Has Landed", when Amy is trying to retrieve the keys to a spaceship from a claw arcade game.
- From American Dad!:
Jack: Now son, breaking in to a safe is like making love to a woman.
Stan: So, we should just pound on it for like two minutes?
Jack: No... you need to gently work the dials till she surrenders...- A second example happens with a guy sweeping a broom outside an abandoned theater. He says sweeping's his passion, and equates it to making love. The Smiths drive away when he offers to show how a broom's like a phallus.
Sweeper: It's the same basic shape!
- And again with Stan after he buys Steve a gun for Christmas or rather "Wednesday" why?:
Stan: (simultaneously demonstrating with an assault rifle) Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then, you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.
- A second example happens with a guy sweeping a broom outside an abandoned theater. He says sweeping's his passion, and equates it to making love. The Smiths drive away when he offers to show how a broom's like a phallus.
- South Park:
Chef: Children, playing football is like making love to a really beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you can, it makes all the trying worthwhile.
- Inverted in The Simpsons, when Homer actually is trying to give Bart advice about a girl.
Homer: Son, a woman is a lot a... uh... (looks at the fridge) A refrigerator! They're about 6 feet tall, 300 pounds... (realizes that his metaphor is falling apart) They make ice and... (looks to his can of beer) Oh, wait a minute! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chucks down the can he's holding) But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! (gets another beer from the fridge; cut to several beers later) So I sez, "Yeah?! You want that money, come and find it, cuz I don't know where it is, ya baloney! You make me wanna retch!" (passes out)
- Ben 10: Ultimate Alien provides this example:
Kevin: Look, Gwen, you have to treat a car like you treat a woman!
Gwen: (Fascinating Eyebrow) Go on.
Kevin: ...No. I sense I've made a mistake of some kind.
