Hirohiko Archie
The Joey version of Hirohiko Araki.
Little is known about him, and most of what we do know is thanks to his author's notes and interviews, although he's believed to be a reincarnation of God who is writing down his memoirs.
- Blue-and-Orange Morality: His moral compass is quite strange, but that's to be expected due to his (possible) past as God/Satan. He often proclaims how abusing and killing younger people is okay and strives to fight against misogyny in manga while his plots perpetuate misogynistic ideas at the same time.
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander: Very much so. He believes that, as a manga artist, it'd make perfect sense if he had an exploding business card, and he once bought nine hundred new cars in a three-month period.
- Unreliable Narrator: It is thought that he occasionally twists the events and facts of his previous life as God to make himself look slightly better.
Joost Jodocus
The Joey version of Jonathan Joestar.
A not-so righteous and stupid Carpenter aristocrat and mafia boss with a difficult childhood and a complicated romantic history, whose defiance of the Carpenter way of life causes controversy.
- Absurdly Youthful Mother: Following in the footsteps of her mother, but not that extremely, she was already divorced twice and had a kid (Jonathan/Chochosta) at the ripe age of 12.
- Adaptational Dumbass: Joost is dumber than Jonathan to the point that it is said that they didn't gain intelligence until the age of twelve.
- Adaptational Gender Identity: Unlike Jonathan Joestar, Joost is genderfluid.
- Arranged Marriage: She was originally married to the King of the Aliens as part of a plan to strengthen the Jodocus family and their prestige.
- Back from the Dead: Drowns in a river as a child but is almost immediately revived, partially thanks to her magic dog.
- Crazy in the Head, Crazy in the Bed: Possibly subverted, as she laments how she is unable to satisfy Erin in bed before leaving for Cabaleiros do Vento.
- Even the Girls Want Her: Everyone, even enemies, simp for Joost.
- Sympathetic Adulterer: You can't really feel bad about the fact that she cheated during her marriage with God, because of the extreme toxicity of the relationship and the abuse that she suffered from it.
God Brand
The Joey version of Dio Brando.
A self-proclaimed broken individual whose obsession with his ex-spouse Joost leads him to fuse his soul with Satan's via an ice mask to try to impress her, which ends up turning him into a vengeful Racist. Although seemingly killed at the end of Yes, God makes his return in Star Wars, having inflicted cancer on Jotara's mother. He's the operator of the incredibly powerful Employment Mr. Waldo, of whom no one saw or heard from it for a long time.
- Ambiguously Human: Pre-Racist God was spawned into existence and uses "defender settings" of unknown origin that allow him to fight better, yet he's never established to be a Carpenter (and other races such as Collumnists, Working Fairies, angels and demons wouldn't be introduced until much later).
- Hollywood Atheist: God seems to hate gods and religion probably because of trauma. He also seems to think himself as a God, which would explain his name.
- Ironic Name: His name is God but he's an atheist.
- Lethal Chef: In Star Wars, His meatballs can cause severe brain damage to any unsuspecting victims, which results in them following his command without questions. Not only that, but they can also be used to kill them directly, as demonstrated with Enyo. But wait, it gets better. As revealed in the Valentine's Day arc, said meatballs are, in fact, Perfect Cells, balls of flesh mixed with Jupiter's core that contain embryos developing in their victims' heads once implanted, and although no known pregnancies have been shown completed, it is safe to assume that they're responsible for killing their "parents".
- Love Makes You Evil: His unhealthy obsession with Joost eventually turned him into a racist vampire who wants to turn the entire population of the EU into his sex slaves.
- Manipulative Bastard: One of God's main character traits, he often gaslights and manipulates Joost to try to keep her from escaping their toxic relationship.
- Merger of Souls: Fuses his soul with Satan’s after putting on the Ice Mask.
- Yandere: Attempts to murder all of Joost’s friends so no one can compete for their love.
- Younger Than They Look: Especially notorious during Yes. God was born with the body of a teenager and only was a couple of weeks old when he started dating and later married Joost. And by the time of the time skip he was only seven and attending college. In fact, this trope is invoked by his ex-spouse Joost.Joost: I know you're seven! I will never date you!
Satan (Vanilla Ice Cream)
The Joey version of Mary Joestar, kind of, and later Vanilla Ice.
The mysterious mother of Joost Jodocus who died at the start of the story and turned into a vengeful wanderer soul. She does whatever it takes to become the protagonist of the story, even if it involves killing, possessing and/or seducing her relatives. In Star Wars, she makes her first on-screen appearance as Vanilla Ice Cream, who uses her Employment, The Queen, to consume everything in her path.
- Absurdly Youthful Mother: Satan gave birth to Joost and died at the age of six! To be fair, she had an adult body by this point and this was probably just one of her many reincarnations.
- Alien Blood: Coca-Cola in her veins is one of the clues to indicate that she is Satan.
- Big Bad: She's the main antagonistic driving force of the entire series thus far, to the point of being even lampshaded by her in Chapter 238.Satan: I am... the cause of all diseases.
- Satanic Archetype: She is implied to be the actual Christian devil, albeit only in name, given that she has a great deal of changes.
- The Assimilator: One of the ways she tries to become the protagonist is to fuse with other individuals via the use of ice masks and red stones.
Joshu Jester
The Joey version of George Joestar II.
Another mysterious relative of the Jodocus family, who was also the father of Joker. Responsible for multiple mysterious calamities, he was killed by his wife Lisa, which triggered a worldwide war.
Bullet Train
The Joey version of Robert E.O. Speedwagon.
A perverted yet loyal individual who has a strong devotion for Joost and is willing to fight a thousand zombies just to get her attention. After Joost's death, Bullet would be gone on to become a multimillionaire, philanthropist, and famous racing driver in the interim, marrying Joost's son Straizus in the process and having ten kids with him (including Major Strawberry) before the abrupt ending of their marriage due to Straizus' sudden Face–Heel Turn. The organisation he founded, The Vegan City Foundation, helps the main throughout the rest of the parts.
- Depraved Homosexual: He's notorious for being the leader of the not-so-subtly named "Homosexual Crew", however, he's also a rapist, and has a very disgusting obsession with Joost, starting all the way back to his introduction, which involved he and his crew trying to gang rape her...
Erin Penerton
The Joey version of Erina Pendleton.
One of Joost's partners, who later becomes her wife. She is a skilled witch doctor who unfortunately suffers from the current anti-Irish sentiments of the EU population. Even though she desires to help people, her murderous and sometimes Satanic tendencies tend to make the tasks difficult. After indirectly causing the Almond War by (allegedly) killing Joost, Erin is upgraded into a golden cyborg and currently leads the human resistance in Modern Warfare.
- Ax-Crazy: Although she tries to be a good person, she can't escape her true, bloodlust-filled nature.
- Rebel Leader: She becomes the leader of the human resistance during and after the Almond War.
Straizus
The Joey version of Straizo.
The child of Joost Jodocus who hates straight people and has been worshiped as a god ever since his birth. He eventually marries Bullet Train and having kids with him, though said marriage won't last long due to Straizus's obsession with God's power, which originates from his fear of dying from cancer and losing credibility as an "immortal" religious leader, leading him to become a Racist.
- Face–Heel Turn: Granted, he wasn't the best person before, but in Modern Warfare, he goes from Bacon Master and volleyball monk to Racist.
- Heteronormative Crusader: Inverted. He's stated three times that he wants to destroy all straight people.
- Til Murder Do Us Part: Tries to murder his husband, Bullet Train.
Dariusz Brand
The Joey version of Dario Brando.
God's pathetic alcohol addicted father, who tried to start all kinds of businesses to keep earning money to spend on drinks. He ended up going to Hell after taking the Chinese drugs his son bought, but is later brought back by Joshar, who happens to be his ex-husband.
- Adaptational Nationality: There is some evidence he was originally from India before being forced to live in the EU, hence his hatred for it. In the original series, he’s just British.
- Truly Single Parent: Spawns his son God into existence.
Joshar Jodocus
The Joey version of George Joestar I.
A proud bisexual Carpenter aristocrat whose romantic partners always seem to die young. Joshar is a not-so paternal father of Joost whose obsessions with strengthening his race though arranged marriages and disciplines almost endangers his only child's life, although he also has a much lesser-known soft side.
- Added Alliterative Appeal / Alliterative Name: His full name might be Joshar Jesus Jugors Jodocus.
- Also applies to one of his alternate names, Jurgis Jose.
- Depraved Bisexual: A proud bisexual who also happens to be an abusive parent that allows his child to drown in a river, among other things.
- Final Speech: "It's not scary at all. JoJo... death is... hot."
Baroque Cepelis
The Joey version of Will Anthonio Zeppeli.
An eccentric bigender Carpenter who has made a name for herself in various places of Asia. He trains Joost in the art of Bacon and fights alongside her throughout Yes.
- Adaptational Nationality: Unlike Zeppeli, who is Italian, Cepelis is Chinese.
- Alternatively, he may just have been born there, considering her mother ruled the world and his father owned collages in neighbouring countries, rather than being ethnically Chinese.
- Berserk Button: Mentioning food tends to aggressively trigger Baroque, who has anorexia.
- Pyromaniac: Throwing a grenade at India is an important part of her backstory.
- The Stoner: Cepelis really, really loves weed, to the point that he incorporates it as part of her fighting style.
Dionysus
The Joey version of Danny.
A magic boxer dog that saved Joost's life from her abusive father multiple times. This triggers the jealousy of God, who decides to kill her.
Van Chan
The Joey version of Wang Chan.
A Chinese rapper and drug dealer who is contacted by God to help him assainate Dariusz via his Chinese drugs. After becoming a zombie, he is eventually seduced by him and joins his cult.
Jack the Rapper
The Joey version of Jack the Ripper.
London's infamous serial killer, who is also a rapper with a foot fetish. Although he initially died due to lack of motivation, he is later revived by God to seduce and kidnap Joost. By killing him, Joost finally discovers her true potential and takes part in the Hit the Wall Challenge to unlock the Hamon Car Overlord.
P-Mol
The Joey version of Poco.
A fatherless perverted kid who helps Joost and company after being attacked by them. He loves his older brother, maybe a little bit too much...
Wisdom
The Joey version of Tarkus.
The husband of Bleford, famous DJ, and one of the strongest knights in the history of the EU. After being banned from having sex (aka being executed) alongside his husband, he would get revived years later by God. He kills Cepelis with an erotic choking chain, only to be defeated by Joost.
Bleford
The Joey version of Bruford.
A knight who worked for the EU in the 1500s. He was resurrected by God Brand along with his husband Wisdom. After falling in love with Joost Jodocus, he started doubting his worldview and loyalty to the EU and God, ultimately apologizing to the UK.
- Berserk Button: As the character quote indicates, Bleford gets irrationally angry and depressed over people insulting his hair, similar to a certain JoJo character..
- Death Equals Redemption: As he dies, he gives Joost the Sword of UK (I Am Sorry).
- Love Redeems: Ends up falling in love with Joost as he dies.
- Sympathetic Adulterer: Isn't framed as being wrong for falling in love with Joost while married to Wisdom.
Adam
The Joey version of Mr. Adams.
An adult human from Cavaleiros do Vento with a pee fetish and in love with a rabbit that is turned into a zombie and tries to kill the gang. He is swiftly defeated by Joost.
Thonpeitie
The Joey version of Tonpetty.
The corrupt tyrant and sailor who rules Tibet with an iron fist. He is Cepelis' master, who taught him everything about the power of Bacon. After Cepelis' death, Thonpeitie arrives in Cavaleiros do Vento with his two Bacon warriors to help the protagonists.
Dr. Dre
The Joey version of Dire.
Founder of Twitter, famous musician, and one of Thonpeitie's apprentices and Cepelis' closest friends, who seems to know about his imminent death. And indeed, he's killed by God after the latter wouldn't take a shower.
Super Mario
The Joey version of Mario Zeppeli and later Mariah.
An Italian Carpenter who desperately tries to profit out of everything he can, from (illegal) marijuana to (legal) human slaves. He is introduced during the flashback in Yes, though he wouldn't become important until Modern Warfare when he's revealed to be the absent father of Dragon, whom he killed and ate. He is later reincarnated as a famous pasta goddess at some point, complete with his Employment, Rossi Bassi, which, under the guise of a planet-making device, gives unsuspecting victims magnetic forces by weaponizing their feelings of attraction towards others.
- Composite Character: As of Star Wars, Mario also incorporates elements from Mariah.
- Decomposite Character: Mario Zeppeli got split into two characters here, Mario (Dragon's father) and Luigi (Dragon's uncle).
- Fun with Acronyms: What does the "DS" part in Mario's tight DS bra stand for? That's right, Deadly Sword (which he uses in his battle against Joker).
- Trademark Favorite Food: Two words, fried chicken.
Led Zeppelin
The Joey version of Will Zeppeli's father.
The father of Baroque Cepelis who only appeared in the flashback. The leader of a famous rock band and demon lord who was married to the Queen of the World. On the journey home from a party with the Aztecs, he accidentally wore an Ice Mask and turned into a Racist, and began to kill everyone on the boat. He died from exposure to sunlight before he was able to kill Baroque.
- Named by the Adaptation: He was given the name of Led Zeppelin in this translation. That or it could be the name of his rock band.
- Papa Wolf: Was driven to kill Lucifer for destroying his son's ship entirely.
Lanzar
The Joey version of Poco's unnamed sister.
The equally perverted and fatherless older brother of P-Mol, who gets into trouble after being kidnapped by his favourite Minecraft YouTuber, and has to be rescued by the heroes.
- Named by the Adaptation: He doesn't have a name in the source material.
Dream
The Joey version of Doobie.
Former Minecraft YouTuber now turned into a pedophilic zombie musician, she's the mother of Bullet Train, probably conceived from a one-night stand with Cepelis.
Zeus (Iron Man)
The Joey version of Steely Dan.
An acquaintance of Dariusz mentioned a few times in Yes, he finally makes his appearance in Star Wars as Iron Man. He's the operator of the insect-like Employment Les Amoreux, which he uses to bond romantically to Joker in a way that the latter would die of grief if Zeus got too hurt. He uses it to implant one of God's embryos in Joker's head, but Poland and Cocaine manage to perform an abortion on it successfully.
Abba (Pope II)
The Joey version of the fisherman mentioned in one of the flashbacks from Phantom Blood and Midler.
A sea-loving Working Fairy and Avandole's father, who made his name known after being granted the title of Pope and for his tendency to sink ships and submarines, supposedly to protect the ocean. Originally killed by Baroque Cepelis, he is revived at some point to exact his revenge against anyone who wronged him. His Employment, Suma Kahani, has the ability to produce Christian pop songs, and whoever listens to them has to dance non-stop in order not to fall on their gruesome end.
Joseph Joseph (Joker)
"ILY FRIENDS"
The Joey version of Joseph Joestar.
The only slightly less stupid grandson of Joost and son of Lisa and Joshu. Alongside his twenty girlfriends and his new husband Dragon, he will try to become the protagonist of the story by going into an adventure to claim the fortune of his family, fighting and flirting everyone he meets. In Third Part, he returns as the operator of the Employment Purple Guy, which has the ability to write movies with a unique quality on the condition that Joker kills all of the camera crew once filming wraps. He also uses it to transmit Bacon energy.
- Arranged Marriage: With Dragon, possibly for Royal Inbreeding purposes, since none of Joker's would-be wives seem to be related to him. Despite forming a very close and intimate relationship over time, the purpose of the marriage as a whole is in vain since Dragon ends up dying in Hell as a salesman, whereas Joker would have kids with his other spouses.
- Extreme Omnisexual: He loves to brag about how he did it with everything, from Carpenters to literal pigs.
- Extreme Omnivore: His favourite foods are listed to be "glue" and... "Paul from Austria".
- Harem Seeker: Joker’s main purpose in life.
- Karmic Trickster: Adam and her collumnist friends were banished from space by the Carpenters, and now Joker, who is a Carpenter, is punching Adam, a collumnist back into space.
Cesare Dragonfly Cepelis (Dragon)
Narrator: "He left his childhood and his puppy behind and became a vicious rat monster"The Joey version of Caesar Zeppeli.
Bullet Train's nephew, whom he picked for Joker to marry. A sad boy who became vengeful and solitary due to years of trauma caused by his own family. He's on a quest to kill every single one of those relatives that caused him so much pain. With the help of Joker, he will learn to trust people again and start a beautiful romantic relationship.
- Arranged Marriage: Bullet Train tries to get him to marry Joker, despite showing no interest in doing so because of his familial tradition of preferring Italian men, at least at first.
- Family Extermination: Killed his entire family after the death of his mother.
- Offing the Offspring: Vows to kill his daughter upon finding out she survived.
- Trauma Conga Line: Just take a look at his backstory... Son of a notorious criminal who ignored him and his siblings due to an obsession with Napoleon Bonaparte, sexually assaulted and impregnated by his mother, taken by (read: sold to by his father) his crazy great aunts to do unpaid work at Marvel, saw himself become a child soldier, captured during the war and taken to an orphanage, forced to carry a teenage pregnancy to term, abandoned in the streets, transformed into a rat monster, saw his uncle get horribly disfigured and later die in front of his eyes...
Professor Isabel "Lisa" Hamoni
The Joey version of Lisa Lisa. A transgender high school teacher with a side job as a Carpenter priest, she's known as "Venice's Hormone Lord", and the owner of every island. She trains Dragon and Joker (who doesn't know that he's her son) in the art of Hormones in order to defeat the Collumnist sisters, while trying to reject Joker's romantic advances at the same time.
Esidis
The Joey version of Esidisi.
The middle Collumnist sister, and wife of Mr. Car. She married Joker and tried to form a toxic relationship with him, but after discovering his true intentions, she felt betrayed and tried to kill him. She would be killed by Joker during their BDSM sex scene.
Vamua
The Joey version of Wamuu.
The youngest of the Collumnist trio, she is a faithful woman who hates gay people and loves Barbie dolls. She has a... complicated relationship with Joker, sometimes simping for him, sometimes trying to kill him. She battles against Joker on the Moon but is forcibly transitioned and tries to manipulate him by attempting to kill herself. Eventually, Joker destroys her body and she dies, but she manages to make amends with him shortly before her passing.
- Yandere: This Collumnist is, to put it lightly, obsessed with wanting to return with her ex-boyfriend Joker, to the point that she and her sister forcibly marry him by putting cursed rings in his body (that make him die multiple times) and telling him that the only way he can remove them is by kissing her on the lips. She also attempts to kill all his other lovers ( succeeding particularly with Dragon) so that they can't compete for his attention.
Adam Car
The Joey version of Kars.
The oldest of the Columnist Sisters and main villain of Modern Warfare. Banished from her anarcho-communist tribe for creating and becoming the CEO of Marvel Comics, she would go on a quest to get rich by claiming Joost's fortune and become the protagonist alongside Satan with the help of a red rock, something that she would achieve through her transformation into Super Car, although she was later expelled from Earth by Joker.
Major Strawberry
The Joey version of Rudol Von Stroheim.
A half-Carpenter duke and son of Bullet Train and Straizus. After being rejected by his family for being straight, he fell into the Coconut pipeline to find a long-lost relative in a desperate attempt to reconnect with his family, which ends badly after he and the Rolands accidentally wake the Collumnist sisters from their nap. During the fight with Baby Jesus, he seemingly sacrifices himself to destroy her via a grenade, only for him to be reconstructed using Santa's flesh and bones, becoming a cyborg known as Santana-Milf.
- Heel–Face Turn: After his revival as Santana-Milf, not only does he abandon his heterosexual tendencies, but he also decides to take part in the fight against the Collumnists by using Jesus' Holy Spirit powers and his powerful army of Rolands, as well as becoming one of Joker's boyfriends as part of a deal to get him to save the stone.
Baby Jesus (Santa Claus)
The Joey version of Santana.
The stupid uncle of the Collumnist sisters. She fell asleep on a motorcycle two thousand years ago and was awakened by the Rolands. Angry about it, she decides to kill them by misusing the sexual powers of the Holy Spirit and trying to steal the secret code of the mansion. After her defeat, the Rolands use her flesh and bones to revive Major Strawberry as a powerful cyborg known as Santana-Milf, obtaining her Holy Spirit powers in the process.
Dhono Banga
The Joey version of Donovan.
A human prince who used to rule Germany before the Almond War. He wished to restore the EU after the war ended, but Hitler's takeover of Germany left him no choice but to be exiled to Mexico and joined the Rolands some years later.
- Government in Exile: Sent to Mexico after Germany was taken over by Coconut Germany.
Sushi Q
The Joey version of Suzi Q.
Lisa's young, bubbly half-carpenter servant who gets easily deceived by Satan after the rest of the characters refuse to listen to her collab with King Crimson. He would end up marrying Joker by the end of the part.
- Dude Looks Like a Lady: While looking like a woman and being exclusively referred to with female pronouns, Sushi is revealed by Joker to actually be male in the part's final chapter. Everyone is surprised by this fact, even Lisa, who has known him for years.Joker: You don't know anything about my husband?!Everyone at the funeral: HE?!
- Foreshadowing: The revelation behind Sushi's gender is foreshadowed in her introductory chapter several times, for example, by Joker casually mentioning he's into "traps" and also by a scene where Suzy asks himself what girls like.
Smoker
The Joey version of Smokey Brown.
A human man who has been stranded on Earth after the Almond War. After Joker saves him from the racist Arctic gods, he would meet and marry Erin, and later become a spaceship architect and construct a restaurant in space. After the carpenter hegemony fell, he would become the first black president of the USA.
Luigi
The other Joey version of Mario Zeppeli.
Dragon's uncle, whom he originally planned to kill in Rome as part of his Family Extermination. However, he accidentally gets trapped inside a Gaming Wall and, aware of his imminent death, he gives an important piece of advice to his nephew that sticks with him forever...
- Decomposite Character: Both Mario and Luigi are actually translations of the same character, Mario Zeppeli, that's why they look practically identical.
- No Name Given: His name was only given by both the fans and members of the translation project for obvious reasons.
Gods of North Pole
The Joey version of the New York policemen from Battle Tendency.
A group of Carpenter policemen that have intense anti-human and anti-POC views. They appear at the very beginning of the part, when they harass Smoker and threaten to rape him and sell him as a slave. After seeing this, Joker decides to confront them and saves Smoker.
Jotara Kodjo
The Joey version of Jotaro Kujo.
The son of Holiday Jodocus and a wandering jazz musician who is later revealed to be Jehova/En Doula. A homeschooled teenage kindergartner of Middle Eastern descent, he locks himself in prison after being seduced by demons, but later he's convinced to come out of the closet by his grandfather/uncle Joker, eventually joining him and his entourage on a mission to Egypt (and later Jupiter) to cure Holiday's cancer. He's the operator of the super-strong Employment Bicycle Platinum.
- Adaptational Nationality: Jotara is not Japanese in Joey's Special Experience, he's from the Middle East (possibly Qatar) instead.
- Berserk Button: Do not speak ill of his dead brother if you want to live. Propther D'Arby and Mr. Buckle learnt this by the wrong way.
- Character Catchphrase: "I am falling asleep..."
- It's Personal: After discovering that the IRS agent that was following them was none other than his brother's murderer, Mr. Buckle, Jotara only has one objective in mind; to defeat him. Not only does he achieve that, but he also humiliates Mr. Buckle by tying him to a rock and putting an... interesting message near him.
- Stepford Smiler: Jotara has a nice, calm and easy-going personality (when he's not annoyed, at least), however, on the inside he's deeply insecure and still grieving the death of his older brother.
- Subverted Catchphrase: In Chapter 182, Jotara subverts his usual catchphrase after telling the Pope to hand over his face via mail:Jotara: I am falling... in... Mars.
- The Insomniac: No matter how many times he wants to sleep, it doesn't stop him from going on an arduous adventure.
Jota Kodjo
Jotara's older brother. He died in a car crash an unespecified time before the story began. It's later revealed that he was killed by the hitman Mr. Buckle, following God's orders.
- Posthumous Character: His death is one of the major factors that drives the part's plot.
- Too Good for This Sinful Earth: Heavily hinted at. Even by enemies, Jota is consistently described as an undoubtedly good person who lacks a criminal record or had maling intentions (something rare in this world), and after his death he's essentially treated as a martyr, adding up to the biblical symbolism of Star Wars.
Morgan Avandole
The Joey version of Muhammad Avdol.
Joker's new Egyptian boyfriend and professional women researcher, who belongs to a race of elusive beings known as Working Fairies that are born with Employments and other strange abilities. He founded the cult of Avdolism, an anti-imperialist, Latin Pagan doom cult whose followers strive to achieve their own mind palaces through random acts of terrorism. He has a long and complicated romantic history with Pollenrib. His Employment, Red Flag, has the ability to create and control fire.
- Final Speech: "Change the world!! Naked pictures await you!!"
- Spontaneous Generation: A comedic subversion. His bio says that he was born "in flour", which led a lot of people to believe that he was born from literal flour. Enter the Destroy Egypt arc, and it turns out he was actually born in a place in Egypt called "Flour".
Mink Cocaine
The Joey version of Noriaki Kakyoin.
A somewhat kinky cyborg teenager with a traumatic and enigmatic past who transfers to Jotara's school. Initially under God's command through his brain-damaging meatball, he joins the Star Warriors following his crazy romantic attraction with Jotara. He's the operator of the Employment Yesterday's Green Ghost, which shoots various projectiles, from chopped vegetables to gemstones. It has the unfortunate side effect of making sex painful, however.
- Final Speech: "I am here... I finally... killed the Internet..."
- Robotic Reveal: In the John of the Dead arc. No guesses for who's to blame.
- Tragic Robot: Cocaine is a cyborg created after the destruction of most of his original body, and suffered from extreme abuse by his father, which led him to kill him and develop anger issues later on.
- Token Human: Subverted, since at least he used to be human.
Saul Poland
The Joey version of Jean-Pierre Polnareff.
A Franco-Polish Carpenter ex-mafioso who, like Cocaine, initially succumbs to a meatball-induced illness. He first meets the protagonists during their stay in Hong Kong, although he has known Avandole for much longer. He's part of the Gay family, which is notorious for its large list of family issues that rival or even surpass those of the Jodocuses. His Employment is a deodorant brand named King Karate that, despite the name, fights with a sword.
- Adaptational Nationality: He's (at least partially) Polish instead of French in JSE although his gender is still said to be French.
- Bizarre Alien Sexes: His gender is listed as "French".
- Non-Indicative Name: With a name like "King Karate", you expect Poland's Employment to be a karate master?
Iggius
The Joey version of Iggy.
A kooky angel posessing a dog from the Temple of Terror with an hobby of coffee grinding and plenty of jobs. He is forced onto the Star Warriors when they arrive in Egypt by the Bullet Train Group. He is the operator of the dumb (at least according to Joker) Employment The Liver, which can manipulate sand and glide.
- Renaissance Man: Or dog in this case. He is the Bullet Train Group moderator, US congressman (or congressdog), possible EU associate and leader of the Flame Mafia.
Holiday
The Joey version of Holly Kujo.
Mr. Long Crotch
The Joey version of Hol Horse.
An (allegedly) asexual cowboy, WWE champion and another former mafioso, who is employed by God and enslaved by his sister J. Gay. He's the eldest child of the Gay family, conceived when Enyo had sex with a horse. His Employment, The King, takes the form of a revolver with infinite ammunition.
- Ambiguously Gay: Claims that love doesn't matter to him during his interactions with Chicken (despite telling her that he's "here to make [his] man happy), but after she protects him later on, he says that his love of men allows him to run away.
- Then again, he could be a homoromantic asexual.
- Death by Adaptation: Hol Horse at least survived being shot by his own bullet, which isn't the case for Mr. Long Crotch.
- Happiness in Slavery: Knows he is a slave of J. Gay, but doesn't seem to mind.
- Punny Name: Considering that he's half horse, the "Long Crotch" part of his name could be referring to the size of his... assets.
Jay Gay
The Joey version of both Sherry Polnareff and J. Geil.
The dead sister of Poland whom he believed to have killed. In truth, she faked her death as part of her successful attempt to frame her middle brother and now teams up with her older brother, Mr. Long Crotch, to kill Poland. Her Employment, The Drug Addict, is a mummy-like being that lives in reflections.
- Annoying Younger Sibling: Not to Mr. Long Crotch, but to Poland who she likes to harass.
- Composite Character / Decomposite Character: J. Gay is a combination of Sherry Polnareff and the man who assaulted and murdered her, J. Geil. Yes, you heard that right. However, in what might be one of the few cases of this trope played alongside its inversion, it should be noted that Sherry in JSE got split into two characters, the one that serves a similar role in her brother's backstory (J. Gay), and her body and physical apparition, which is an entirely separate but nevertheless similar character (Spanish Wine).
- Rhyming Names: Her full name is Jay Gay.
Enyo
The Joey version of Enya the Hag.
The head of the IRS and God's (two) right-hand woman. She's a sex doll that somehow gained life, and her bizarre sexual encounters led to her having many equally bizarre children, including Poland, J. Gay, Mr. Long Crotch and Spanish Wine. Her Employment is The Law, which can control open wounds through weaponising Enyo's opinions and send anyone to the moon.
- Bestiality Is Depraved: Gave birth to Mr. Long Crotch after having sex with a horse.
- Extreme Omnisexual: Enyo is consistently seen flirting with her own sons and actually manages to sexually assault and impregnate Poland. She also had a child with a horse.
Man in the Mirror
The Joey version of Arabia Fats.
A man presumed to be Jotara and Jota's grandfather and one of Joker's exes, who ambushes the protagonists in the Saudi desert while hiding behind a mirror attached to a moving, air-conditioned platform. His Employment is Death Star, which is no moon... rather, it's a miniature sun that can rapidly increase the ambient temperature and shoot lasers.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: Of course, we don't know his real name.
- That Didn't Happen: When Jotara asks Joker if the Man in the Mirror is one of his husbands, Joker denies it as he barely knew him.
John Bestium (John of the Dead)
The Joey version of Mannish Boy.
Cocaine's abusive father and creator of his cyborg body who met his end by having his throat cut when Cocaine grew tired of Bestium's abuse. Unfortunately for Cocaine and the other Star Warriors, he has reincarnated as John of the Dead, a demonic baby who aims to kill them all in their sleep. His Employment, Death Zone, takes the form of a twisted dream hellscape version of The Bible which is patrolled by a Grim Reaper-type figure that draws its strength from the souls of murdered children.
- Mad Scientist: He's implied to have conducted cruel experiments on his own son, that lead to his subsequent coma, something which John took as an advantage to turn him into a cyborg and thus keep experimenting on him.
Mr. Buckle
The Joey version of ZZ.
An IRS agent and hitman-for-hire who was first contacted by God in order to kill Jotara's brother Jota before the story of the part began. In the story proper, the Star Warriors encounter him at the Disease Deposit, where he vows to kill them in order to vent his anger at never being circumcised. His Employment, Circle of Life, takes the form of a near-indestructible car, allowing him to disguise his hits as traffic accidents.
- Adaptational Badass: Although he is a threat in the original manga, he isn't any more dangerous than the average Villain of the Week of Stardust Crusaders, and only exists as a joke. But in JSE, he's treated as a much more competent villain, being taken as a serious threat, especially due to being Jota's killer.
- Adaptational Expansion: Originally a joke character in Stardust Crusaders, in Star Wars he is given a much larger character background and role: He's a hitman hired by God to kill Jota, and now he's hired again to finish the deed with Jota's younger sibling.
- Ambiguously Jewish: This may explain why he's so aggrieved at being uncircumcised.
- Arch-Enemy: To Jotara, being responsible for murdering his brother.
- Ax-Crazy: This guy is nuts, to put it mildly.
- Disproportionate Retribution: In spades. Dare you refer to him as "Sakapfet Sakpase"? He'll run you over flat. Finding out that he can't get a circumcision? He'll kill everyone, including you. Skyrocketing the price of cookies? He'll grind your bones on a stone.
- Gratuitous Spanish: After forcibly exiting his car, Mr. Buckle suddenly speaks in Spanish.Mr. Buckle: Una libra esterlina! Translation
- Hair-Trigger Temper: From his inability to get a circumcision to price-hiking cookies, it's no wonder that he lost his marbles.
- Psychopathic Manchild: Poland describes him as "a frustrated wild child coder who can't solve a problem."
- Would You Like to Hear How They Died?: Takes pleasure in gloating straight to Jotara's face about how his brother died as he's about to ram into him.
- You Killed My Father: Jotara has no choice but to defeat him for killing his brother.
En Doula Sunbae (Jehova)
The Joey version of N'Doul.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: This guy seriously loves dogs... and God.
- Parental Neglect: To him, his children aren't as important as dogs are. Jehova even tells Jotara to his face that he thinks he's a disappointment.
Boing
The Joey version of Boingo.
The younger of the Omungwego Brothers. A bizarre boy who is deeply in love with his older brother and wants to get engaged to him in future. He's a human who, alongside his brother and mother, were sold as slaves to the Rolands of Coconut Germany. His Employment, Dandy, takes the form of a comic book named "The Boing Incident" that can give extremely confusing yet somehow accurate predictions of the future.
- Fun T-Shirt: Like his older brother, Boing wears one, though only in his "comic book". It bears the word "DEMENTIA".
Oing
The Joey version of Oingo.
A former slave of the Rolands and the older of the Omungwego Brothers. Due to the trauma caused by their enslavement that resulted in the death of their mother, he became overprotective over his younger brother, often getting (rightfully) paranoid over any Carpenters that approach him, but who also fails to see the wrong in the fascist teachings he learned from the Coconut Germans that led to him repressing his sexuality. His Employment, Kumkioskom Camp, is a radioactive power that allows him to mutate and transition, thus changing his appearance.
- Death by Adaptation: If getting blown up once in the original manga isn't enough, then how about getting blown up twice in the translation? Needless to say, he won't make it alive.
- Fun T-Shirt: His T-shirt bears the word "CHURCH".
- Killed Offscreen: Mr. Long Crotch blew him up when he was still in the hospital.
Prophet Post D. Apostrophe Arby
The Joey version of Daniel J. D'Arby.
A real estate developer with a fondness for gaming and the grandson of the founder of the popular Arby's restaurant chain. The protagonists encounter him at an Arby's location in Cairo, where he uses his Employment, Oasis, to steal the hearts of Poland and Joker after they lose bets with him. He then challenges Jotara to a very long, extremely confusing, and absurdly high-stakes game of competitive trading cards. He's also another of Joker's exes; it's implied they were married at least five years before the events of the story, when Joker still identified as a woman.
- Named by the Adaptation: Not Arby (who instead gets an Adaptation Name Change like almost everyone else), but his pet cat, who is now named Billy.
Trans T. Rugby Arby (Tiny Arby)
The Joey version of Telence T. D'Arby.
Slaughterhouse
The Joey version of Pet Shop
Driver's License
The Joey version of Gray Fly.
- Adaptation Relationship Overhaul: Unlike his source counterpart who is very loyal to Dio, Driver's License isn't very fond of God.
- Big Bad Wannabe: According to the rumors, he's based. Not that Avandole cares, however.
- Disproportionate Retribution: Wants God to pay the price for getting a table he was supposed to buy.
- Snake Oil Salesman: He's apparently a tourist trap that sells fake artifacts, and even managed to con God out of three hundred dollars by selling him a "Chaos Orb". Whatever that is...
Captain Tennis' Impostor
The Joey version of the Captain Tennille impostor.
An unnamed female demon, who stole the identity of the aforementioned captain (who piloted the ship the Star Warriors were travelling on to Singapore) after a full blue moon opened a portal to hell, she is obsessed with in-universe literature and often quotes it during battle, much to the confusion of her opponents. Her employment, Black Blue Luna, is a water-adapted creature that can swim at high speeds, insert sea parasites on her enemies that steal their life force... and send online scams.
- Davy Jones: Might be a gender-flipped stand-in for him, being a water demon that sinks people into the sea and (metaphorically and literally) into the depths of hell.
- Non-Indicative Name: We never get to see the captain nor his impostor play tennis or even hear him mention it, so their tennis skills (if they even have any) are an Informed Attribute at best.
Help Help
The Joey version of Forever.
A mutant orangutan that founded CNN and lusts after human women. He travels the seas on his Employment, Violence, an oil tanker that he has complete control over.
- Adaptation Species Change: Here he is a mutant hybrid monkey as opposed to an orangutan.
- Hybrid Monster: He's described as a mutant "cat monkey", probably combining atrbutes of these two animals.
Ges Philanthropy
The Joey version of Devo the Cursed.
Golden Heat
The Joey version of Rubber Soul.
A sleazy 195-year-old demon who works for God. He attempts to defeat the Star Warriors from within by disguising himself as Cocaine, but his strange and uncharacteristic behavior alerts Jotara to his plan. His Employment, Steel Diver, consists of fibrous goop that becomes almost indestructible when hardened, and Golden Heat also uses it to disguise his physical appearance. It draws its power from the right to free speech online, and the only way to escape it is to be straight, Though exactly how straight Golden Heat is is rather questionable...
Alice Saturday
The Joey version of Alessi.
Chicken
The Joey version of Nena.
A love-starved teenager who is desperate to flirt with anyone she comes across, such as Mr. Long Crotch and Poland. She can impregnate her victims with her Employment, The Crimson Shepherd, which, fueled by the souls of dead carpenters, steeply grows on said victims' bodies.
- Hormone-Addled Teenager: Begs Mr. Long Crotch to have sex with her, but as Long Crotch states, she's only sixteen. May be subverted once her true form is revealed.
- King Incognito: Turns out she's the Queen of Boudoir Airlines.
- Pre-Asskicking One-Liner: Courtesy of The Crimson Shepherd upon being fully grown:The Crimson Shepherd: I will teach you! Hookahs!
Ben Anubis
The Joey version of Anubis.
Sword
The Joey version of Chaka.
Bongo
The Joey version of Khan.
Nightingale
The Joey version of Cameo.
- Rule of Three: Thank You for the Tutorial is an Employment resembling a robot (a reference to Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics) that asks Poland to fufill Three Wishes while having a threesome with him, and later demands him to have exactly three kids, even saying that four would be too much for unexplained reasons.
Suspicious
The Joey version of Anne.
Spanish Wine
The other Joey version of Sherry Polnareff.
The dead brother of Poland (his cause of death is never specified) whom he seems to have a close relationship with. After Poland is sent to hell by The Tutorial, he meets with Spanish Wine, but after a rather strong argument, the latter lashes out at him and attempts to devour him, before being defeated by Avandole.
- Decomposite Character: As noted in J. Gay's entry, in a rather complicated case, Spanish Wine is actually one of two versions of Sherry in the story, the other being a Composite Character with J. Geil.
- Gender Flip: From female to male.
Jyta Bartu
The Jota Kujo of this universe.
- Dead Guy Junior: One of their names, Jota, may be derived from Jotara's canon sibling of the same name that died in a car accident before the events of Third Part.
Fuji Fuji
The Joey version of Fujiko Fujiyama.
Ikuro
James
Dr. Kasumi
- Chubby Chaser: Kasumi has a taste for big, curvy women... in the sense that they're somehow more useful for experiments.
