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Recurring Characters
Legion
Legion tormenting a sock
A demonic entity with a thing for breaking into people’s houses and driving them to madness or suicide. Is the Big Bad of the Under The Door and Doorbell arcs, and seems to have some relation to The Crusader.- Knight of Cerebus: He’s basically the only character in the entire comic with no comedic moments whatsoever.
Caesar
Caesar
The ancient Roman emperor himself, on a one-man crusade to destroy anime.
- Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: Who knew that the Father of the Roman Empire despised anime so viciously?
- Disproportionate Retribution: He regularly assaults (and on a few occasions, even kills) people for being anime fans.
- Flaming Arrows: He uses these to destroy things connected to anime in several comics.
- Necromancer: In one comic
, he calls forth the ghosts of the Roman legion to kill a guy who said he liked anime trading cards.
Captain Rich
Captain Rich
- Crimefighting with Cash: A parody of this trope, Captain Rich is an Upper-Class Twit who seems to be trying to be a superhero, but doesn't really understand how non-billionaires live, nor does he seem to care about much other than amassing more wealth.Captain Rich: The only thing I hate more than crime is the poor.
- Disproportionate Retribution: In Tesla.Car Salesman: Well Captain Rich, we don't have any model 5 for Tesla but we do have a new model 3.
Captain Rich: How dare you insult my ears with that common filth. Hampton, kill him. - Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: It's more along the lines of "Rich Can't Comprehend Everyone Else", but either way he's repeatedly baffled by the idea that his ludicrously wealthy lifestyle is more of an exception than the rule in society, and as a result he has absolutely no idea how to relate to the people he's trying to help (a major problem for a superhero).Captain Rich: (while dealing with a food shortage) I don’t understand the poor. Why don’t they just give money to their butlers and have them fetch food? Why are they so helpless?
- Hereditary Curse: His family is apparently cursed for his father abusing a golden goose. The only effect of the curse seems to be Captain Rich having a third nipple (which Hampton points out he could just get removed via surgery).
- Paper-Thin Disguise: In Bugs, where he tries to pass himself off as a poor person by tying what appears to be a paper plate with the word "poor" written on it to his face. It's unclear if the person he's talking to is actually fooled by it though.Captain Rich: hello, fellow poor!
- The Talk: Receives this in rich sex ed, much to his disgust.
- Upper-Class Twit: He fits this to a T, what with being a walking parody of the Crimefighting with Cash trope. Just how out of touch is he? He legitimately thinks a famine could be resolved if the hungry simply sent their butlers out to get food. He also sprays a poor person with water like a misbehaving cat.
- Yet Another Christmas Carol: The ghosts gave up really fast.
Hampton
Captain Rich's ever-loyal butler.
- Stating the Simple Solution: When Captain Rich reveals that he has a family curse that seemingly just gives him a third nipple, Hampton points out that he could just have it removed with surgery.
- The Jeeves: He fits the archetype of the proper, polite, and loyal servant to an Upper-Class Twit.
Crusader Comics
The Crusader
Clark and Malfina
Clark
- Nonstandard Character Design: He doesn't look much like the normal "sock" characters, and if anything is even less detailed.
- Original Character: Clark is this In-Universe, as shown in his first appearance, This is My OC.
- Tiny Guy, Huge Girl: A Very Connecticut Ending shows that he barely reaches to Malfina's knees.
- Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: When he marries Malfina. She is a realistically drawn, attractive woman, while he looks even less detailed than the socks normally do and is described as a "solid 4/10."
Clark's Family
- Nonstandard Character Design: Just like Clark, they don't look much like the normal "sock" characters, and if anything are even less detailed.
Malfina
- Art Evolution: If you compare her first appearance to her last one, it's easy to see that Flork started putting a lot more effort into making her look like a semi-realistic person.
- Flat "What": Her reaction to a lot of things she sees, such as the Connecticut Dog and Clark's Mom's Fresh Sweater.
- Happily Married: For as much as Connecticut seems to confuse her, she doesn't seem to regret marrying Clark. Just look at her beaming smile when he compliments her Conneticut Kitty Sweater. Notably, she's first shown with a (slight) smile when she and Clark tie the knot.
- Horned Humanoid: She has bull-like horns on her head.
- Nonstandard Character Design: She looks like an Animesque, mostly realistically-proportioned human, in contrast to the comic's normal Stylistic Suck.
- Technicolor Eyes: Hers are purple.
- Tiny Guy, Huge Girl: A Very Connecticut Ending shows that Clark barely reaches to her knees.
- Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: When she marries Clark. She is a realistically drawn, attractive woman, while he looks even less detailed than the socks normally do and is described as a "solid 4/10."
Mr. Business
Mr. Business
An Eccentric Millionaire who commissions Mr. Smith to draw furry porn for him.
- Animal-Eared Headband: He's seen wearing pink-and-white animal ears with a matching tail in a few comics.
- Be Yourself: He believes that it's a waste of time to worry if other people think that he's weird, which is why he's so open about his pornography habits.
- Disproportionate Reward: He pays for what seems to be a single piece of furry porn by paying off Mr. Smith's entire mortgage, likely a reference to the "immensely wealthy furry" stereotype.
- Dreary Half-Lidded Eyes: He's depicted with these to emphasise his laid-back, suave demeanor.
- Eaten Alive: Has a thing for vore, commissioning Mr. Smith to draw several pieces of it happening to his fursona. It's later revealed that he doesn't actually have a vore fetish, and his commissions were actually an attempt at exposure therapy in order to assuage his fears before feeding himself to Quetzalcoatl.
- "Facing the Bullets" One-Liner: He gets one of these off just before being Eaten Alive.Mr. Business, to Quetzalcoatl: I have hope one day that mankind will no longer be prey, as I have seen its strength and it is beyond you.
- Foil: He's one to Captain Rich: both of them are Eccentric Millionaires, but Mr. Business is a wise and kind man (if a bit odd) who uses his money to improve people's lives and genuinely wants to keep the world safe, while Captain Rich is an Upper-Class Twit who legitimately can't comprehend the plights of those beneath him financially and does little more than hoard his wealth.
- Heroic Sacrifice: He voluntarily acts as a Human Sacrifice to placate Quetzalcoatl.
- Uncle Pennybags: Despite being a bit too open about his fetishes, he's a genuinely friendly person who pays Mr. Smith very generously and even takes him on trips to various exotic locales around the world to provide him proper reference material for the art he commissions. Even after paying off his mortgage, Mr. Smith keeps working with him because he's a really good client and generally a cool guy to be around.
Mr. Smith
An artist who accepts Mr. Business's commissions in order to pay off his mortgage.
- Character Development: While at first weirded out by Mr. Business's blatant fetishes and hesitant to accept his commission, he eventually grows to respect him as a person after he single-handedly pays off his mortgage.
- Interclass Friendship: He's a working-class man who is commissioned by (and later befriends) the extraordinarily wealthy Mr. Business.
- Straight Man: He's a fairly normal guy, in contrast to Mr. Business.
Quetzalcoatl
An ancient Aztec deity discovered by Mr. Business and sealed away underground.
- Eyeless Face: Strangely, they seem to be depicted without any eyes.
- Human Sacrifice: They need one in order to be put back to slumber.
- Sadly Mythcharacterized: Quetzalcoatl was actually one of the only Aztec gods not honored with human sacrifices.
Tago Bell
Charlie's Brother
A guy whose older brother Charlie died.
- Due to the Dead: He's shown leaving tacos at the original Charlie's grave. He leaves another taco for the clone at the end of the arc.
- The Mourning After: He's accepted that the original Charlie has been dead for a long time, and has truly moved on, even when the first-to-sixth failed Charlie clones plot to sacrifice themselves and the seventh to revive the original.
Charlie's Clone
The seventh failed clone of Charlie. Has a constantly-denied craving for "Tago Bell".
- Clones Are People, Too: By the end of the story, Charlie's brother has accepted him and the other failed clones as family, rather than a failed replacement for his brother.
- Killed Off for Real: At the end of the arc, he eats a taco meant for Charlie's grave, and imbibing in the same food that killed the original Charlie lets all the clones pass on.
- Morality Pet: Acts as one for Charlie's Brother, who goes from "Fine I don't care, die" to "JackDammit where am I going to get Taco Bell now" after the clone calls him his brother.
- Trademark Favorite Food: The story is almost entirely about his attempts to get a taco from "Tago Bell".
Charlie's Mom
The mother, who tasks Charlie's brother to keep Charlie's latest failed clone alive while she's out shopping.
- Impersonation-Exclusive Character: It's revealed in the finale that, at some point, she was replaced by one of Charlie's failed clones.
Tiny Wife
Tiny Wife
- Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Exaggerated. She's so small she can actually fit in the palm of her husband's hand.
Ung
Ung
- Cannibalism Superpower: He attributes his wisdom to his.Ung: Once was wise elder. So old. Ung meet him. Ung ate him so now Ung has his smart.
- Carry a Big Stick: He lugs around an absolutely massive wooden club.
- Blatant Lies: Ung bad liar.
- Death of a Child: His son was killed by the Night Tiger, which led to him marrying all the women in his tribe so he could protect them from also being killed by the Night Tiger.
- Fish out of Temporal Water: Ung is a caveman who was frozen in ice by the other men of his tribe because he had too many wives, then thawed out by a guy in the modern day.
- Genius Ditz: Ung best at bideo games.
- Pelts of the Barbarian: He only ever wears clothing made of what seems to be leopard skin.
- You No Take Candle: He always speaks like this.
Small Man
- No Name Given: All we have is "small man," which is just what Ung called him.
Purple Skyman
The Night Tiger
- Animalistic Abomination: It seems to be some kind of feline manifestation of despair and depression.
- As Long as There Is Evil: Implied, as Ung believes that for every person there is a Night Tiger, further cementing it as a manifestation of depression.
Ass Mage
Ass Mage
- Catchphrase: "Boy, do you believe in ass?" and "Alaka-dayum!"
- Fusion Dance: When Sprout Mage is in danger, he combines with Pat Mage and Bike Mage to form Physical Contact Mage.
- It's Personal: For most of the story, he only cares about looking at and touching butts. However, when Sprout Mage's life is in peril, he's willing to fight, no matter how fine the enemy's ass is.
Top Hat Mage
- Arthurian Legend: He's a projection of Merlin.
- Astral Projection: Most of his appearances are actually this, with his true body merged with Yggdrasil.
- Unwitting Instigator of Doom: He originally created Yggdrasil in order to teach King Arthur a lesson about the value of effort. He realized too late that, in addition to the Phenakism Witch attempting to take control of it, his body would be trapped within it.
Surprise Mage
- Always Someone Better: His first appearance has him crossing a Despair Event Horizon when Bamboozle Mage impresses a crowd so much that they forget the word "surprise" even existed.
- Big Damn Heroes: Just when it looks like the Big Bad will get away, he surprises her and cleaves her in half vertically with Asscalibur.
Pat Mage
- No Sense of Personal Space: He has very long arms that he pats people with, usually without asking.
- The Speechless: The only time he "talks", it's depicted as him patting Morse code.
- Symbiotic Possession: After reminding one of King Mage's vassals of their original self, which causes their body to pass on, its spirit sticks around in his hat and relays some backstory.
Sprout Mage
- Living MacGuffin: He turns out to be incredibly relevant to the arc's climax, as a seed of Yggdrasil, the tree that can grant anyone magic.
- Plant Person: Top Hat Mage creates him from a seed in order to be Ass Mage's friend.
Bike Mage
- Totally Radical: His special talent is performing rad tricks with his bike.
- Wins by Doing Absolutely Nothing: His "fight" against one of the Phage Mages is utterly one-sided, with the Phage Mage quite literally wiping the floor with him and leaving him a bloodied, crippled mess. He's about to be absorbed when the Phage Mage sees the blood stains on the wall, is reminded of its original identity as Cave Painting Mage, and is able to move on. Bike Mage thus technically wins despite having been injured so badly that he's unable to walk for the entire rest of the strip.
King Mage
- Anti-Magic: He's actually an "unofficial" mage with no natural talent, but can absorb the magic of regular mages.
- Arthurian Legend: He's King Arthur.
- Cannibalism Superpower: His vassals ate lesser mages in order to stay strong, while King Mage himself took their hats and powers.
- Cool Sword: He has a blade that can outright kill magic. It's Excalibur, which gets rechristened to Asscalibur by Ass Mage.
- Disc-One Final Boss: Appears to be the main threat of the story, until the Phenakism Witch reveals her true nature.
- Fallen Hero: He defeated a great Darkness in the past, but when the world began to forget about him, he took extreme measures to regain power.
- Heroic Sacrifice: In order to save everyone, he takes the Phenakism Witch's powers before she can harm anyone, and slays himself with his own sword so she can't just take it back.
- Take Up My Sword: After realizing his errors and performing a Heroic Sacrifice, he leaves his sword to Ass Mage.
Phenakism Witch
- Arthurian Legend: She's Morgana Le Faye.
- Big Bad: Not only does she kidnap Sprout Mage and try to bring about a new world order in the present, she's also the source of the Darkness that King Mage defeated in the past.
- Evil All Along: Ass Mage thinks she's a fellow prisoner of King Mage until they're all free and she kidnaps Sprout Mage.
- Green-Eyed Monster: Her motivation for trying to start a new world order is jealousy over Merlin and King Arthur.
- Half the Man He Used to Be: She's defeated when Surprise Mage cleaves her down the center with Asscalibur.
- Meaningful Name: "Phenakism" is an ancient term synonymous with deception, and she deceives Ass Mage in order to enact her plans.
- A Pupil of Mine Until He Turned to Evil: In the past, she was an apprentice to Merlin.
