History JustForFun / IfIAmEverHeadOfAnAlienMonitoringAgency

** In fact, I could set up my organization's headquarters [[Series/{{UFO}} under a studio]] and produce the series myself, killing two birds with one stone.

# If I am operating in a universe where travel between different parallel worlds is possible, my first act will be to seek out parallel heads of my agency and heads of other similar organizations on other Earths to get some ground rules sorted. At the very least I want businesslike relations if not friendly ones with other parallels because the second to last thing I want is to suddenly find myself in a jurisdictional pissing contest with the Film/MenInBlack, The Website/SCPFoundation, The [[Manga/{{Hellsing}} Royal Order of Protestant Knights]], JustForFun/TheTroperBoardOnMultiversalTravel, [[Webcomic/CodeNameHunter RCSI]], [[WesternAnimation/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles2003 Agent Bishop]], [[Series/{{UFO}} SHADO]], the WebOriginal/ProtectorsOfThePlotContinuum, [[Series/DoctorWho UNIT]], ComicBook/{{SHIELD}}, the VideoGame/XCom project, or bloody Series/{{Torchwood}}. And the ''last'' thing I want is open war with them: it's not my job, they could present a major threat, and if I defeat them then I've just removed a serious barrier to the enemies of Earth, and an Earth with links to mine at that. Not to mention, having them on your side or at least out of your hair might be handy, if you ever [[MassiveMultiplayerCrossover have to deal with their foes]] or if [[GodzillaThreshold things get out of hand]].

# If an invasion seems unavoidable, I will go public. Sure, the public will panic, but they won't be [[Film/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy quietly sipping coffee in a café when the aliens start blowing them up either]].

# If I am operating in a universe where travel between different parallel worlds is possible, my first act will be to seek out parallel heads of my agency and heads of other similar organizations on other Earths to get some ground rules sorted. At the very least I want businesslike relations if not friendly ones with other parallels because the second to last thing I want is to suddenly find myself in a jurisdictional pissing contest with the Film/MenInBlack, The Website/SCPFoundation, The [[Manga/{{Hellsing}} Royal Order of Protestant Knights]], JustForFun/TheTroperBoardOnMultiversalTravel, [[Webcomic/CodeNameHunter RCSI]], [[WesternAnimation/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles2003 Agent Bishop]], [[Series/{{UFO}} SHADO]], the WebOriginal/ProtectorsOfThePlotContinuum, [[Series/DoctorWho UNIT]], [[Franchise/MarvelUniverse S.H.I.E.L.D.]], the VideoGame/XCom project, or bloody Series/{{Torchwood}}. And the ''last'' thing I want is open war with them: it's not my job, they could present a major threat, and if I defeat them then I've just removed a serious barrier to the enemies of Earth, and an Earth with links to mine at that. Not to mention, having them on your side or at least out of your hair might be handy, if you ever [[MassiveMultiplayerCrossover have to deal with their foes]] or if [[GodzillaThreshold things get out of hand]].

# Named stars are generally bright. Bright stars are generally big. Big stars are generally unsuitable for life. Most of them do not live long enough for life to emerge in any case. If a race of aliens claims to come from Deneb or Rigel, I will proceed on the assumption that they are lying until and unless they can provide some kind of proof for their claim. I will bear in mind that if they ''are'' telling the truth, they are probably refugees from the imminent (<1M years) supernova of their home stellar system and sending them back is not going to be an option. I will also keep an open mind in case [[NamesTheSame the Rigel they're from is different from the Rigel we're familiar with]]. Though I'm gonna want an idea where ''that'' Rigel is.

# If I am operating in a universe where travel between different parallel worlds is possible, my first act will be to seek out parallel heads of my agency and heads of other similar organizations on other Earths to get some ground rules sorted. At the very least I want businesslike relations if not friendly ones with other parallels because the second to last thing I want is to suddenly find myself in a jurisdictional pissing contest with the Film/MenInBlack, The Wiki/SCPFoundation, The [[Manga/{{Hellsing}} Royal Order of Protestant Knights]], JustForFun/TheTroperBoardOnMultiversalTravel, [[Webcomic/CodeNameHunter RCSI]], [[WesternAnimation/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles2003 Agent Bishop]], [[Series/{{UFO}} SHADO]], the WebOriginal/ProtectorsOfThePlotContinuum, [[Series/DoctorWho UNIT]], [[Franchise/MarvelUniverse S.H.I.E.L.D.]], the VideoGame/XCom project, or bloody Series/{{Torchwood}}. And the ''last'' thing I want is open war with them: it's not my job, they could present a major threat, and if I defeat them then I've just removed a serious barrier to the enemies of Earth, and an Earth with links to mine at that. Not to mention, having them on your side or at least out of your hair might be handy, if you ever [[MassiveMultiplayerCrossover have to deal with their foes]] or if [[GodzillaThreshold things get out of hand]].

#[[Wiki/SCPFoundation All of my staff will be given the following instructions regarding alien tech: If you don't know what it is, it's a]] [[TheVirus highly contagious]] [[AIIsACrapshoot transsapient and malevolent]] [[EndOfTheWorldAsWeKnowIt XK-class]] [[ArtifactOfDoom Keter]] that must be contained and tested as quickly as possible. Or, in plainer language, it can destroy the world if mishandled, it hates your guts, it's smarter than you, and it will eat your soul if you look at it; but we still have to keep it safe and figure out what it does.

# There is no reason to even assume [[NoBiochemicalBarriers that human and alien physiologies are compatible]]. I will therefore not [[AlienLunch eat or drink anything]] until I have had a full toxicity scan run.

# If aliens are kidnapping people and their explanation, when pressed, is that their [[WorldHalfEmpty race is dying]] or they are the LastOfTheirKind [[MarsNeedsWomen and they need to breed with humans]], [[MateOrDie in order to survive]], and so they have been kidnapping and [[FaceFullOfAlienWingWong knocking up humans]], then I will take this with a pinch of salt as even with [[HumanAliens convergent evolution]] any form of [[NoBiochemicalBarriers viable pregnancy or even sterile hybridization seems unlikely]]. If this in fact turns out to be the truth, or if it's not but they [[GreenSpaceBabe just honestly find humans sexy]] [[BoldlyComing and want some fun]] [[OrangeAndBlueMorality but did not understand we would not approve of the kidnap]] [[DoubleStandardRapeSciFi as they would]] then I will stop the abductions and just recommend that they set up a website to recruit [[InterspeciesRomance like-minded humans]] [[TheInternetIsForPorn via the internet]], safe in the knowledge that [[UglyCute no matter what the aliens look like]] or how they reproduce, there will be no shortage of volunteers.

** Also in the same thought process I will make sure that if said off-planet visitors have a foreign disease a vaccine for it will be produced immediately and distributed to the population. ''After'' testing the vaccines. I don't want my men to suddenly drop dead because they were vaccinated against alien flu.

** Also in the same thought process I will make sure that if said off-planet visitors have a foreign disease a vaccine for it will be produced immediately and distributed to the population. ''after'' testing them. I don't want my men suddenly drop dead because they were vaccinated against alien flu.

# Under no circumstances will my proprietary OS or other software permit Active@ Password Changer or similar to be used on it. The ease of resetting passwords instead of having losing everything on the computer due to forgotten or lost passwords is not worth the security risk, and that's what backups are for anyway.

# I will not be stupid enough to have one of my alien artifact storage areas underneath, inside, above, next to or anywhere near an iconic and well-known landmark: [[MonumentalDamage They are always the first to get blown up]]. If I am forced to do so for some reason (such as it being the only space allocated to me by those who control my purse strings and who refuse to allow me to relocate, or if I require the power-generation facility housed in said landmark,) I will [[Film/{{Transformers}} not keep a frozen genocidal alien robot in my basement]]. If I have no other choice but to [[HumanPopsicle keep a frozen genocidal alien robot]] in my basement, for instance if containing said frozen genocidal alien robot is the primary, entire, or founding purpose of my alien monitoring agency, [[ConvectionSchmonvection I will remain smart enough to invest in multiply-redundant backup generators and the best industrial insulation available so it doesn't defrost the second the backup generator goes off-line]].

# If we take any aliens prisoner, they will be stripped of all their technology, and held in a maximum security facility. I will remain aware of the fact that not all of what actually is technology is what looks like technology, therefore captive aliens will be stripped completely and issued some form of prison garb. They will also be cavity searched and diagnostically imaged. If desperate human prisoners are willing to go to such lengths to smuggle things into prison, I have to assume that any aliens I take prisoner (who cannot be confident at all of their survival, much less future freedom,) will be even ''more'' desperate, and take appropriate measures.

# I will not keep [[MassiveMultiplayerCrossover all alien prisoners]] in the same [[CardboardPrison detention facility]]. If the aliens I am holding captive have some form of a caste system or a command structure as we know it, the controllers/leaders/officers will be separated from all other specimens. If I lack the ability to prevent them from giving orders (such as their abilities are psychic with seemingly a range beyond the scope of my program and I have no means at my disposal to erect a jamming field,) then the officers/controllers/leaders will never be detained simultaneously: all grunts in custody will be executed when officers are taken alive, or vice versa.

# If I believe that a system fitted to my group's bases, vehicles, or other equipment is suspect, I will have it removed. If I cannot unambiguously trace the provenance of the design and manufacture of said equipment to trusted sources, it will be considered suspect. This means that not only will I be exceptionally wary of installing any hardware produced by human interests who are known or widely believed to be compromised (and not necessarily be extra-terrestrial interests: for instance, anything manufactured in southeast Asia is automatically to be suspected of being infected with some sort of malicious software or of exceptionally shoddy quality until unambiguously proven otherwise,) but if it was built or programmed by alien hands, I'm not installing it until my people can manufacture it.

# All personnel are to be reminded that wandering off on their own is '''bad'''. That's an invitation to get hijacked or replaced. All staff responsible for facility security (which means all staff who live there,) are to move in a minimum of a pair at all times whilst on-base. If visiting the restroom, the person with you is to be within earshot; if things sound hinky, protocol is to raise an alarm and be thoroughly investigated before returning to duty.

# Likewise, all my installation computers will be, if at all possible, as secure from human hackers as possible; as with portable units, this means that ideally, they will operate on proprietary hardware and software. I may or may not be able to secure it from the X-Rays (though I will have contingency plans in place for that,) but I'll be damned if I'm going to let some punk Chinese state hacker, American Air Force Cyber-wing operative, Russian bot-net builder, or goddamned Nigerian 419 scammer get into my computer systems.

# No data will be leaving the base except as authorized. Persons departing the base will be very thoroughly searched (very thorough searches include an X-Ray,) for data storage media. Unauthorized data storage departing the base will be treated as compromised, and the person departing will be interrogated very thoroughly as regards how it came to be on their person. Even if the base is not connected to the internet for reasons of being unable to maintain a sufficient level of information security against terrestrial intrusion, a base intranet will exist, so there will be little reason for physical storage media on-site anyway.

# Agents, Operatives, Staff, and other members of the organization will be reminded that just because they are low enough on the totem pole to be permitted some semblance of a real life does not mean that they are not capable of revealing useful information to potential enemies or of being compromised. As such, agents will have to be wary at all times for the possibility of being personally manipulated and seduced. If they're not willing to take things slow (to provide time for us to perform a background check, not that they need to know that) then chances are they're an enemy and you should turn them down cold. (Or worse, they're potentially infected with STDs and you should ''definitely'' turn them down cold.)

# All staff issued with firearms will be regularly tested on both [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy marksmanship]] and [[IJustShotMarvinInTheFace basic gun safety.]] The EvilOverlordList’s advice about using those unable to hit man size targets at close range ''as'' targets may be a little too cruel for a progressive organization of the type I hope to run, but anyone who points a gun at themselves or at ME when no breech-flag (or equivalent, once we start to develop energy weapons,) is visible is going to get a breech-flag [[AssShove forcibly inserted into their person]]. Or at least removed from armed positions to some other duties. (Alien Monitoring Agencies need janitors as much as everyone else, if not more so.)

#"Clear chain of command" means everybody knows who they answer to and who's next in the line if something happens. I don't want some strangers entering my facility by pretending to be some form of unexpected visit from the high-ups or the infamous surprise inspection. If my employees don't recognize who are they talking to, they just don't let that person in and don't tell this person anything important. It's better to have angry leaders than destroyed bases.

# As soon as I am put in charge, I will task a group of scientists, sociologists, politicians, militarymen, and economists with giving me a sensible reason for why I should continue to maintain TheMasquerade ''other'' than [[RuleOfCool "because it's cool"]]. If such a reason cannot be produced, I will immediately go public. The lack of secrecy may make my organization boring and mundane, but it will make our job much easier. Not to mention, people will ''finally'' stop mistaking me for a random loon whenever I'm on my way to the groceries.

# If a Masquerade is necessary, the next thing I'll do is [[CassandraGambit comission a website revealing my existence]]. I will link to all the strange conspiracy sites I can find, use very poor or dubious photos, lots of [[HollywoodScience bad science]] and include forums. This has the twofold purpose of discrediting anyone who finds out about me and letting me know what the conspiracy nuts are noticing.

** If anyone comments that the movie has been in production for what seems like a [[PaperThinDisguise suspiciously long time]], I will tell everyone it is because [[Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion ADV Films]] [[DevelopmentHell are running the project]], with [[VideoGame/DukeNukemForever 3D Realms]] making the films [[{{Vapourware}} computer game tie-in]].

** Maybe [[Main/OnlyInFlorida Florida]]. Any situations I can't contain that leak to the public will be considered [[Main/TakeThat par for the course]].

# In fact, why have a single centralized location that can be plundered or nuked all at once? Several storehouses and analytical labs in unrelated areas work better (and only a trusted few, trained to resist telepathy and mind control, would know about more than one).
# If possible, I and my immediate subordinates will be the only ones who KNOW that multiple locations exist.

# That said, if my alien artifact storage area in the desert comes under attack and the BigBad is defrosting, I will endeavour to contain him and the final battle there, if only because having to move my alien [[ArtifactOfDoom Artifact O' Doom]] MacGuffin from the desert into an [[TheTokyoFireball easily destroyed, highly populated urban area]] [[AdultsAreUseless where I will have to rely on high school-age children to hide it]] will only guarantee [[HumongousMecha Humongous Alien Mecha]] will have to smash shit up, and this will probably cost me my HeroInsurance no-claims bonus.

# Agents sent to deal with hostile aliens will be sent in with protective body armor [[BadassInANiceSuit instead of just suits]]. If a suit is necessary, it will be a regular suit, [[MenInBlack not an all black suit that]] [[RealityEnsues only makes people more suspicious of them]].

** Note: saying that people would panic knowing there is a nation out there which could declare war on us is not a good reason. Earth currently contains over 100 nations that could possibly declare war at any time and some even have access to [[NukeEm bona fide weapons of mass destruction]], yet we do not attempt to cover them up. Well, except for {{Atlantis}}, but, to be fair, [[Literature/{{Neverwhere}} they deserved it]]. Especially after [[NoodleIncident that incident with the seafood Linguine and the dirigible]].

# As soon as I am put in charge, I will task a group of scientists, sociologists, politicians and economists with giving me a sensible reason for why I should continue to maintain TheMasquerade. If such a reason cannot be produced, I will immediately go public. The lack of secrecy may make my organization a lot less spectacular, but it will ultimately make our job easier. Not to mension, people will ''finally'' stop mistaking me for a random loon whenever I'm on my way to the grocery.

# If a Masquerade is necessary, my first job will be to [[CassandraGambit create a website revealing my existence]]. I will link to all the strange conspiracy sites I can find, use very poor or dubious photos, lots of [[HollywoodScience bad science]] and include forums. This has the twofold purpose of discrediting anyone who finds out about me and letting me know what the conspiracy nuts are noticing.

# If a race of [[HumanAliens apparently human]] [[Series/{{V 1983}} Visitors]] appear friendly but have oddly cool handshakes and cause [[EvilDetectingDog any animals present to panic]], I will keep them under observation. The fact that someone is a [[TheReptilians reptilian alien]] does not necessarily [[ReptilesAreAbhorrent make them a bad person]], but if they are trying [[{{Masquerade}} to hide this]] then something is very wrong.

* I will not presume all {{Eldritch Abomination}}s are necessarily [[HumansAreCthulhu alien in origin]]. Such internal threats will also be monitored and planned for; Eugenics and attempting to halt human evolution may be unpleasant, but if the alternative is letting mankind evolve into some time-travelling {{Ultraterrestrials}} that just materialized in Antarctica and eats people's souls, I for one am happy to stay as a {{Puny Earthling|s}}, thank you very much. Also, I will not assume an EldritchAbomination, alien or human, will ''[[HumanoidAbomination look]]'' alien.

** I will remain alert of the many hilarious incidences of [[TheMole moles]] being the persons appointed to find TheMole in the first place, and then realize that it's not hilarious when it's happening to you. Therefore I shall activate no fewer than three separate investigations into who is the mole. Only the leaders of said investigations will be aware that there ''are'' multiple, concurrent running investigations; they will not be appraised of ''who'' is running the other investigations, and they will all be made aware that I trust each of them individually about as far as I can throw an enraged African elephant, so they'd either better start producing hard evidence or concurring with information which originates wholly independently of them.

** I will also remember why X-rays, MRIs, CAT scans, and TWA scanners were invented, and see if they can be safely used. I will also remember that a lot can be learned from very small tissue samples.

# As soon as I am put in charge, I will hire a diverse group of scientists, sociologists, politicians and economists. I will task them with analyzing our current situation and giving me a sensible reason for why I should continue to maintain TheMasquerade. If such a reason cannot be produced, I will immediately go public. My [[RuleOfCool inner 7-year-old]] and/or my stuck-up senior employees may protest this decision, but it will ultimately make my organization's job a lot easier. Not to mension, people will ''finally'' stop mistaking me for a random loon whenever I'm on my way to the grocery.

** Note: saying that people would panic knowing there is a nation out there which could declare war on us is not a good reason. Earth currently contains over 100 nations that could possibly declare war at any time, several of which having access to [[NukeEm bona fide weapons of mass destruction]], yet we do not attempt to cover them up. Well, except for {{Atlantis}}, but, to be fair, [[Literature/{{Neverwhere}} they deserved it]]. Especially after [[NoodleIncident that incident with the seafood Linguine and the dirigible]].

** Note: saying that people would panic to know there is a nation out there which could declare war on us is not a good reason. Earth currently contains over 100 nations that could possibly declare war at any time, several of which having access to [[NukeEm bona fide weapons of mass destruction]], yet we do not attempt to cover them up. Well, except for {{Atlantis}}, but, to be fair, [[Literature/{{Neverwhere}} they deserved it]]. Especially after [[NoodleIncident that incident with the seafood Linguine and the dirigible]].

** And as a note, saying that people would panic to know there is a nation out there which could declare war on us but has not (yet) is not a good reason. Earth currently contains over 100 nations that could possibly declare war at any time, and we do not attempt to cover them up. Except for {{Atlantis}}, and to be fair [[Literature/{{Neverwhere}} they deserved it]] after [[NoodleIncident that incident with the seafood Linguine and the dirigible]].
# If a masquerade is necessary, my first job will be to [[CassandraGambit create a website revealing my existence]]. I will link to all the strange conspiracy sites I can find, use very poor or dubious photos, lots of [[HollywoodScience bad science]] and include forums. This has the twofold purpose of discrediting anyone who finds out about me and letting me know what the conspiracy nuts are noticing.

# As soon as I am put in charge, I will hire a diverse group of scientists, sociologists, politicians and economists. I will task them with analyzing our current situation and giving me a sensible reason for why I should continue to maintain TheMasquerade. If such a reason cannot be produced, I will immediately go public. My [[RuleOfCool inner 7-year-old]] and/or my more traditionalist employees may protest this decision, but it will ultimately make my organization's job a lot easier. Not to mension, people will ''finally'' stop mistaking me for a random loon whenever I'm on my way to the grocery.

# As soon as I am put in charge, I will hire a diverse group of scientists, sociologists, politicians and economists. I will task them with analyzing our current situation and giving me a sensible reason for why I should continue to maintain a Masquerade. If such a reason cannot be produced, I will immediately go public. My [[RuleOfCool inner 7-year-old]] may protest this decision, but it will ultimately make my organization's job a lot easier. Not to mension, people will ''finally'' stop mistaking me for a random loon whenever I'm on my way to the grocery.

# Before doing ''anything'', I will hire a diverse group of scientists, sociologists, politicians and economists. I will task them with studying our current situation and then giving me a sensible reason for why I should continue to maintain a Masquerade. If such a reason cannot be produced, I will immediately go public. My [[RuleOfCool inner 7-year-old]] may protest this decision, but it will ultimately make my organization's job a lot easier. Not to mension, people will ''finally'' stop mistaking me for a random loon whenever I'm on my way to the grocery.

# Before doing ''anything'', I will hire a diverse group of scientists, sociologists, politicians and economists. I will task them with studying our current situation and then giving me a sensible reason for why I should continue to maintain a Masquerade. If such a reason cannot be produced, I will immediately go public. Doing so may displease my inner 7-year-old, but it will ultimately make my accountants a whole lot happier. Not to mension, it will also ''finally'' get people to stop mistaking me for a random loon whenever I'm on my way to the grocery.

# Before doing ''anything'', I will hire a group of scientists, sociologists, politicians and economists, and task them with studying our current situation and then giving me a sensible reason for why I should continue to maintain a Masquerade. If such a reason cannot be produced, I will immediately go public. Being the leader of a secret agency may sound cool, but it's expensive; not to mension that it's also (part of) the reason why people keep mistaking me for a random loon whenever I'm on my way to the grocery.