History Funny / WhatWeDoInTheShadows2019

* "Pilot": Nandor pronouncing crepe paper 'creepy paper'.

** When Nandor talks about how his idea of dressing up fancy is to have glitter all over his face and body, "like in ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''", Guillermo, a big fanboy of ''Film/InterviewWithTheVampire'', cannot help but put on a disgusted sneer, Nandor's familiar or not.
* "City Council": Laszlo and Nadja complaining about how the Baron only gives orders during sex, and only at the moment of climax, and then doesn't repeat himself. They also act it out.
** Colin Robinson organizing a "mega-feed" at the zoning meeting by going up to the microphone and reading about zoning ordinances (specifically with him reading about the definition of ordinances from ''Webster's Unabridged Dictionary'').
** The various propositions Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja all make at the zoning meeting for what they want to be added to Staten Island: Laszlo wants a massive dome to be built over the entirety of Staten Island that blocks out all sunlight, Nadja wants there to be no noise during daylight hours, and Nandor wants all local churches to be destroyed (with their crucifixes burned) along with a total ban on turtlenecks and the creation of a vampire-only television channel (which will feature Nandor's favorite comedy, ''[[RefugeInAudacity Priests Falling Over]]''). Finally, they all want [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking free and compulsory harpsichord concerts every day of the week]].
** Laszlo attempts to make an alliance with Barbara Lazarro by impressing her with raccoon population control. Cue the next morning where there is a huge pile of dead raccoons on Barbara's patio, and a terrified Lazarro suspecting the Staten Island Trio of being members of a Mexican drug cartel.
** Nandor mind-controlling a member of the local city council to act as his puppet:

* "Werewolf Feud":
** The episode starts with Laszlo cheerfully showing off his various topiary creations to the documentary film crew. To be more specific, he leads them into a closed-off section of his garden where he has trimmed the bushes ''[[CrossesTheLineTwice into the shapes of the vulvas of the women he intensely admires and the prostitutes he's intimately familiar with]]''. Made even funnier by how his list of vulvas apparently includes [[UsefulNotes/JackTheRipper Mary Ann Nichols]], Nadja, [[NoodleIncident Nancy Reagan]], and [[BreadEggsMilkSquick his own mother]]. Nadja also later complains that because one of the werewolves urinated on Laszlo's mother's vulva, it now looks like Laszlo's ''sister's'' vulva.
** Colin Robinson showing the documentary crew his "morning cup of coffee" -- a.k.a. him cheerily banging on Nandor's coffin before he goes to work and Nandor angrily moans for Guillermo to get rid of him.
** When Colin Robinson acts as the "ad-hoc welcoming committee" for Evie Russel, he extends his hand as if he's going to shake hers, [[BaitAndSwitch but then slants his hand as if he's trying to get her to kiss it]]. He's also initially so eager to feed on Evie prior to the office's natural suckiness draining her that he tries to fit between a set of cubicle walls before giving up and walking around to her.
** Colin Robinson and Evie Russel's [[WizardDuel energy vampire duel]]. Made even funnier by how Colin's attempt at annoying Evie basically consists of him "mansplaining" at her.

** Nadja showing off her collection of taxidermized animals to the documentary crew.

** After they determine that they will have to have an honorable duel to resolve their dispute, the werewolves all ferociously howl and the vampires all furiously hiss... with [[ButtMonkey Guillermo trying to join in]] [[KickTheDog and immediately getting told off by Nandor]]. "Real vampires only!"
** The RunningGag of Nadja being repeatedly called a "''Literature/SenseAndSensibility'' bitch" and other similar insults by one of the female werewolves.
** How does Nandor win the fight with the gigantic werewolf Toby? Distract him with a squeaky bone chew toy. And throw it over the edge of the abandoned Circuit City building they are fighting on top of, where said [[DogsAreDumb werewolf jumps over to catch it]]. As they mourn their fallen friend, the werewolves ask the vampires if they can actually keep the squeaky bone if they can find it; the vampires don't care, so the werewolves immediately abandon Toby’s unconscious body and start looking for the prized squeaky bone.
* "Manhattan Night Club": Simon the Devious introducing his vampire crew “the Leatherskins,” and all their increasingly ridiculous names:

** Thanks to the cursed witch hat, Laszlo's cape gets caught in the taxicab door and results in him getting dragged for an entire block.
** "[[CrossesTheLineTwice I'm gonna take my hat back, you crispy piece of shit]]."
* "Animal Control": After being [[ItMakesSenseInContext rescued from animal control after being knocked unconscious as a bat,]] Laszlo says he has to go back for his animal brethren. Cut to the cats he was trying to rescue clawing and yowling all over him.
* All of the bender scenes in "Baron's Night Out". Special mention to Nandor's "drug blood" bit, throughout which Nandor is wearing a traffic cone on his head like a wizard's hat.

** The Baron takes a bite of pizza. Cue projectile vomiting and being propelled by the vomit to the point where he ''soars between two buildings'' before crashing back down to Earth. The Baron cinches it by saying that it was worth it.
* "The Trial":
** The room where the East Coast Vampire Council meets is called the "Temple of Blood-Devourers"... and is just the basement level of an ordinary office block. Even better, it's mentioned in passing that the torches lighting their hallways are all actually fake electrical lights, since otherwise "the fire marshal would have a fit."
** The gang meet two folks -- "[[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Vasilika the Defiler]]" and "[[TomTheDarkLord Garrett the Vampire]]" -- who claim to have been prisoners in a single room for "over a thousand years" since... 1932. When they hear it's 2019 and so they were only in there for 90 years, they moan about how this is ''way'' worse than they thought.
*** This scene also has Garret vowing that if he ever finds the vampire who framed him for turning a baby into a vampire (read: Laszlo), he will "take a dagger... and stab them ''5,000 times'', with this hand, then switch hands, and stab them ''another 5,000 times''!" Laszlo's visible OhCrap expression [[FunnyBackgroundEvent in the background]] only makes it funnier.
*** Why was Vasilika imprisoned? In her own words, "[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment too much defiling]]."
** The members of the Vampire Council. In addition to the original cast of the movie reprising their roles, the crew somehow managed to actually get [[Creator/TildaSwinton Tilda]] [[Film/OnlyLoversLeftAlive Swinton]], [[Creator/DannyTrejo Danny]] [[Film/FromDuskTillDawn Trejo]], [[Creator/PaulReubens Paul]] [[Film/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Reubens]], [[Creator/EvanRachelWood Evan]] [[Series/TrueBlood Rachel Wood]], and... wait for it... '''''[[Creator/WesleySnipes Wesley]] [[Film/BladeTrilogy Snipes]]''''' to dress up like vampires and bicker. Mention is made that "[[Creator/RobertPattinson Robert]] wanted to move beyond that [[Literature/TheTwilightSaga stuff]]...", [[Creator/BradPitt Brad]] [[Film/InterviewWithTheVampire and]] [[Creator/TomCruise Tom]] weren't interested, and "[[Creator/KieferSutherland Kiefer]] [[Film/TheLostBoys wanted to]], but wasn't available."
*** Paul points out that Wesley is a vampire killer and shouldn't be on the council. Tilda plays peacekeeper by saying that Wesley's opinion still counts since he's half vampire, and Danny grumbles that he'll only listen to ''half'' of Wesley's opinion. Wesley, meanwhile, is on a video chat with a glitchy connection, and is at least a minute behind everyone else.
** Colin Robinson saving the vampire roommates with a patio umbrella so they won't be burned up by the Sun... and then awkwardly swaying the covered birdcage they're all hiding in (after turning into bats) back and forth since it's a "vampire roller coaster!" as they head home.
* "Citizenship":
** [[invoked]] Jenna's LampshadeHanging over the FridgeLogic of [[MagicPants where the vampires' clothes go]] when they shapeshift into bats. Laszlo and Nadja both being visibly stumped before [[ChangeTheUncomfortableSubject awkwardly changing the subject]] only makes it funnier.
** The EpicFail that is Nandor's attempt to pass his [=U.S.=] citizenship exam. CringeComedy doesn't even ''begin'' to describe it.

* "The Orgy":
** While preparing for the bi-annual vampire orgy, Laszlo brings out some vintage vampire porn that he starred in. Nadja tells him "Just throw it on the pile." Pan to a large pile of assorted sex toys and a gimp.

** Guillermo is rather uncomfortable with the fact that the vampires are hosting an orgy and how he has to help out with organizing it, especially when they make him describe whatever sex acts they're pantomiming while they prepare for it.

** The ending of the episode, where Guillermo's friend Jeremy, Constantine the gimp, and Colin Robinson all relax by playing ''Apples to Apples'' while the rest of the vampires leave in a disgusted huff when Laszlo decides to have a "[[TrueLoveIsAKink two-person orgy]]" with Nadja.

* "Resurrection": Guillermo repeatedly stating how he doesn't want to be a vampire hunter, followed by a montage of vampires that he's killed in the last week or so.
* "Ghosts":
** [[EveryoneHasStandards Despite his usual horniness]], [[ItMakesSenseInContext the undead Laszlo is very reluctant to help his own ghost]] with his unfinished business of having one last orgasm. When Nadja mistakes the fresh semen for ectoplasm, Laszlo has a quick SureLetsGoWithThat reaction.
** Nadja's [[LargeHam delivery]] of the GratuitousGreek chant during the seance has to be heard to be believed.
* "Brain Scramblies": The gang gets invited to a Super Bowl party, which they all interpret as a "Superb Owl" party. It rapidly devolves into Nadja attempting to rob them, Colin using the party as an excuse to to drain a captive audience, and Nandor and Laszlo accidentally overhypnotizing the host into insanity. Meanwhile, Guillermo accidentally walks into a vampire hunter meeting, much to his visible and audible irritation.
* "The Curse": After Guillermo's admittedly awesome vampire hunting rampage through the house, he escapes... Leaving every vampire in the building to turn to the film crew.

** Meanwhile, in the same episode as Guillermo's vampire hunting, the trio get a chain email and freak out under the assumption that Nandor has actually cursed them all.
** Laszlo's reaction to a ''ringing phone'' has to be [[LargeHam seen to]] [[MundaneMadeAwesome be believed]].

* "Colin's Promotion": Colin Robinson's power grows so great that he can exhaust people with a ''single joke.'' Eventually, he drains so much power that he gains the powers of flight and multiplication.
* The '''entirety''' of "On the Run". Due to an old debtor -- a vampire named Jim, played by Creator/MarkHamill -- Laszlo moves to Pennsylvania for a week to become Jackie Daytona, regular human bartender, whose only differences from Laszlo are the toothpick in his mouth and his love of girls' high school volleyball.
** When Jim first arrives at the vampire roommates' house, there's a brief yet utterly ''hysterical'' example of AllOfTheOtherReindeer where Guillermo is sneaking up behind Jim, getting ready to stake him... and as soon as he hears that Jim is only here for ''Laszlo'', he gives a startled AsideGlance to the camera crew before [[ComedicSociopathy shrugging and putting his stake away]].
** Laszlo offhandedly explaining how he got the job as bartender:

** Laszlo's enemy [[TomTheDarkLord Jim]] -- not realizing that "Jackie Daytona" is the vampire he's looking for -- gives him a business card and says to call him if Laszlo turns up. When Laszlo thanks him by name, Jim suspiciously freezes and asks how he knew his name -- [[AntiClimax turns out it was printed on the business card all along]].
*** He later returns ''again'', when he finds out about the charity concert for the Girls' Volleyball Team. He talks about how Laszlo "swindled" on him, obviously with the implication that he found Laszlo and is ready to duel him, but then it's revealed he didn't know all along. Even better, while he does recognize "Jackie Daytona" as a vampire [[SpotTheThread once he sees him without a reflection]], he doesn't recognize he's actually Laszlo [[BrickJoke until Laszlo takes out the toothpick in his mouth]] (which Laszlo had earlier described as [[TheCloudcuckoolanderWasRight the most important part of his disguise]]).

** And on a side note, there's Colin Robinson hitting on a despondent Nadja for the sake of feeding... and then being genuinely disappointed when his ''actual'' attempt at hitting on Doll-Nadja goes nowhere.

** After The Baron finds out Guillermo is the one who exposed him to sunlight, he gets up and viciously denounces the vampires as Laszlo's roast for going soft. He explicitly notes they've gotten so soft they even invited a human to this event in the form of Sean...only to backtrack and acknowledge that [[OddFriendship he also likes Sean and is fine with him being there]].

** The title comes from [{TheBore Colin Robinson]] attempting to give one to Guillermo after [[PetTheDog wishing him luck in avoiding Nandor's wrath]]. The interview lasts all of three seconds before Guillermo gives up-namely because Colin's first question is about how satisfied with pay Guillermo was and then when Guillermo points out he didn't get paid, Colin asks if he thinks they can get away with not paying the next familiar.

--->'''Nandor:''' ...[[AcceptableTargets government workers]] are immune to hypnotism. It's like their souls are dead or something. ...I don't detect [[EmptyShell any humanity left in them]].

[[folder: Season 4]]

*** Nandor introducing himself to the reporter as Nandor the Relentless and they have him down as Nandor DeLaurentis.

** Colin Robinson and Evie Russel's [[WizardDuel energy vampire duel]]. Made even better by how Colin's attempt at annoying Evie basically consists of him "mansplaining" at her.

''([[LargeHam both start screaming at each other]])''

** The RunningGag of Nadja being repeatedly called a "''Literature/SenseAndSensibility'' bitch" by one of the female werewolves.
** How does Nandor win the fight with the gigantic werewolf Toby? Distract him with a squeaky bone chew toy. And throw it over the edge of the abandoned Circuit City building they are fighting on top of, where said [[DogsAreDumb werewolf jumps over to catch it.]] As they mourn their fallen friend, the werewolves ask the vampires if they can actually keep the squeaky bone if they can find it; the vampires don't care, so the werewolves immediately abandon Toby’s unconscious body and start looking for the prized squeaky bone.

** The gang meet two folks -- "[[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Vasilika the Defiler]]" and "[[TomTheDarkLord Garrett the Vampire]]" -- who claim to have been prisoners in a single room for "over a thousand years" since... 1932. When they hear it's 2019 and so they were only in there for 90 years, they moan about how this is worse than they thought.

** The members of the Vampire Council. In addition to the original cast of the movie reprising their roles, the crew somehow managed to actually get [[Creator/TildaSwinton Tilda]] [[Film/OnlyLoversLeftAlive Swinton]], [[Creator/DannyTrejo Danny]] [[Film/FromDuskTillDawn Trejo]], [[Creator/PaulReubens Paul]] [[Film/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Reubens]], [[Creator/EvanRachelWood Evan]] [[Series/TrueBlood Rachel Wood]], and... wait for it... '''''[[Creator/WesleySnipes Wesley]] [[Film/BladeTrilogy Snipes]]''''' to dress up like vampires and bicker. Mention is made that "[[Creator/RobertPattinson Robert]] wanted to move beyond that [[Literature/{{Twilight}} stuff]]...", [[Creator/BradPitt Brad]] [[Film/InterviewWithTheVampire and]] [[Creator/TomCruise Tom]] weren't interested, and "[[Creator/KieferSutherland Kiefer]] [[Film/TheLostBoys wanted to]], but wasn't available."

'''Constantine:''' ''[waves in acknowledgement]''

--->'''Guillermo:''' "Gizmo, get the dildos!" "Gizmo, try out the dildos!" "Mmm, how were the dildos?" ''[frustrated]'' They're fine.

*** Colin celebrates his victory... a bit too soon.

** Throughout Season 2, the vampires were constantly facing the prospect of death for the death of The Baron, but because Guillermo killed the entire Council for the Eastern Seaboard, the International Council of Vampires decides to promote Nadja, Laszlo, Nandor, and Colin Robinson to become the new regional Council, on the theory that AMillionIsAStatistic and anyone capable of killing that many of their fellow vampires must be capable of getting things done.

-->''Don't touch that book, [[MaliciousMisnaming Gizmo]], it's too much for your young cock.''

-->''I am fully prepared to escalate things to crazy levels!!''

* "The Casino": At the casino's hotel, Colin Robinson is trying to watch his favorite show that he can only watch in the hotel... because it's [[IncrediblyLameFun the hotel's promotion channel]].
** While in Atlantic City for Sean and Charmaine's renewal of vows, Nadja is invited backstage to meet the Creator/RatPack... completely unaware that they are a tribute band and not actually Frankie, Dino, and Sammy. Upon meeting them, Laszlo expresses bafflement at how Frankie is now Chinese, but since Frankie still remembers the "Ring-a-ding-ding!" catchphrase, Laszlo just shrugs it off. For their part, the Rat Pack just assume that Nadja is a very enthusiastic groupie (and due to the vampires being ill without their native soil, a very drunk groupie at that).

-->'''Colin Robinson''': This is science.
-->'''Nandor''': (''desperately'') But this is a ''turtle!''

** The Guide is not impressed with Nandor and Nadja's power sharing arrangement:
-->''This is the most poorly run Vampiric Council since the rule of [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Paduk the Deranged]]. Who also tried to share his leadership duties with what he believed to be was a talking footstool.''

** Nadja's reaction when she comes home is to look at the camera and marvel "these guys are still alive?!"

** When Nandor mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden crate Guillermo has been in for ''the last week'' and Laszlo going "oh, that guy!"

** Nadja's solution to the striking Wraiths is to kill them all.

** Lazlo and Nandor, who pretend to be gay and go on about how they "ream each other nightly"
** Guillermo as a single father
** Sal Vulcano, whom Lazlo quickly murders
** Sean and the ''headmaster'', both of whom are too confused to protest
** The ''corpse'' of Sal Vulcano and a random skunk

** The bizarre and hilariously obscene list of traits that Nadja requests when looking for a new body for Nadja Doll. Including “A pussy like Aphrodite when she was serving witches juice”. All to a poor Build-A-Bear worker.

'''Colin:''' ''(groans)'' Remind me to email you a link on a Slate article on the Snake Person Housing ''CRISIS!''\\
'''Evie:''' ''(groans)'' ''I don't use email''... ever since my computer was hacked and my identity was stolen!\\

** When Colin Robinson acts as the "ad-hoc welcoming committee" for Evie Russel, he extends his hand as if he's going to shake hers, [[BaitAndSwitch but then slants his hand as if he's trying to get her to kiss it]]. He's also first so eager to feed on Evie prior to the office's natural suckiness draining her that he tries to fit between a set of cubicle walls before giving up and walking around to her.

'''Colin:''' ''(starts hovering)'' Cancer isn't usually what kills you! It's the treatment!\\

''(both start screaming at each other)''

** How does Nandor win a fight with a gigantic werewolf? Distract him with a squeaky bone chew toy. And throw it over the edge of the building they are fighting on top of, where said [[DogsAreDumb werewolf jumps over to catch it.]] As they mourn their fallen friend, the werewolves ask the vampires if they can actually keep the bone if they can find it; the vampires don't care, so the werewolves immediately abandon the corpse and start looking for the prized squeaky bone.
* "Manhattan Night Club": Simon the Devious introducing his vampire crew the Leatherskins, and all their ridiculous names:

*** He later returns ''again'', when he finds out about the charity concert for the Girls' Volleyball Team. He talks about how Laszlo "swindled" on him,obviously with the implication that he found Laszlo and is ready to duel him, but then it's revealed he didn't know all along.
--->'''Jim:''' It ''is'' you!

** While at the cabin, Sean tells Nandor, Lazlo, and Young Colin about TheJerseyDevil, describing it as having dragon wings, a goat head, hooves, horns, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking "and two low hanging balls with a button cock on top"]]. Nandor and Lazlo tell the camera crew that the Jersey Devil was a myth vampires made up to explain all the corpses they left in the Pine Barrens. However, after Lazlo and Nandor follow Young Colin into the woods, they hear Sean scream and run back to the cabin, where they discover that the Jersey Devil is real, is attacking Sean, and looks ''exactly'' like Shawn described.

** While at the cabin, Sean tells Nandor, Lazlo, and Young Colin about TheJerseyDevil, describing it as with dragon wings, a goat head, hooves, horns, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking "and two long hanging balls with a button cock on top"]]. Nandor and Lazlo tell the camera crew that the Jersey Devil was a myth vampires made up to explain all the corpses they left in the Pine Barrens. However, after Lazlo and Nandor follow Young Colin into the woods, they hear Sean scream and run back to the cabin, where they discover that the Jersey Devil is real, is attacking Sean, and looks ''exactly'' like Shawn described.

** While at the cabin, Sean tells Nandor, Lazlo, and Young Colin about TheJerseyDevil, describing it as with dragon wings, a goat head, hooves, horns, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking "and two long hanging balls with a button cock on top"]]. Nandor and Lazlo tell the camera crew that the Jersey Devil was a myth vampires made up to explain all the corpses they left in the Pine Barrens. However, after Lazlo and Nandor follow Young Colin into the woods, they hear Shawn scream and run back to the cabin, where they discover that the Jersey Devil is real, is attacking Sean, and looks ''exactly'' like Shawn described.

*** As Nandor and Lazlo drain the Jersey Devil of blood, Shawn runs out with his shotgun, only to shoot himself in foot.

** While at the cabin, Sean tells Nandor, Lazlo, and Young Colin about the JerseyDevil, describing it as with dragon wings, a goat head, hooves, horns, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking "and two long hanging balls with a button cock on top"]]. Nandor and Lazlo tell the camera crew that the Jersey Devil was a myth vampires made up to explain all the corpses they left in the Pine Barrens. However, after Lazlo and Nandor follow Young Colin into the woods, they hear Shawn scream and run back to the cabin, where they discover that the Jersey Devil is real, is attacking Sean, and looks ''exactly'' like Shawn described.

** While at the cabin, Sean tells Nandor, Lazlo, and Young Colin Robinson about the JerseyDevil, describing it as with dragon wings, a goat head, hooves, horns, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking "and two long hanging balls with a button cock on top"]]. Nandor and Lazlo tell the camera crew that the Jersey Devil was a myth vampires made up to explain all the corpses they left in the Pine Barrens. However, after Lazlo and Nandor follow Young Colin Robinson into the woods, they hear Shawn scream and run back to the cabin, where they discover that the Jersey Devil is real, is attacking Sean, and looks ''exactly'' like Shawn described.

*** While Jersey Devil fights Nandor and Lazlo, Young Colin Robinson asks Siri to play "New Jersey music". Siri begins playing [[Music/BonJovi "Living On A Prayer"]], causing the Jersey Devil to throw Nandor to the ground and Lazlo into the lake so it can sing and dance to the music, complete in a deep, off key voice.

'''Young Colin Robinson:''' Okay, can we go home now?

** While at the cabin, Shawn tells Nandor, Lazlo, and Young Colin Robinson about the JerseyDevil, describing it as with dragon wings, a goat head, hooves, horns, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking "and two long hanging balls with a button cock on top"]]. Nandor and Lazlo tell the camera crew that the Jersey Devil was a myth vampires made up to explain all the corpses they left in the Pine Barrens. However, after Lazlo and Nandor follow Young Colin Robinson into the woods, they hear Shawn scream and run back to the cabin, where they discover that the Jersey Devil is real, is attacking Shawn, and looks ''exactly'' like Shawn described.

---->'''Shawn:''' Fucking Jersey!\\