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Moments pages are Spoilers Off.
!'''''All'' spoilers on this page are left unmarked. Administrivia/YouHaveBeenWarned!'''
Changed line(s) 168 (click to see context) from:
** In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... [[spoiler: And send ''Guillermo'' in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the Van Helsing clan.]]
to:
** In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... [[spoiler: And send ''Guillermo'' in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the Van Helsing clan.]]
Changed line(s) 181,182 (click to see context) from:
** Nadja's non-reaction to Guillermo [[spoiler: finally coming out as gay to his family]] is both funny ''and'' [[Heartwarming/WhatWeDoInTheShadows2019 strangely heartwarming.]]
--->'''Nadja:''' I mean, who isn't [[spoiler: [[CastFullOfGay gay]]]]?
--->'''Nadja:''' I mean, who isn't [[spoiler: [[CastFullOfGay gay]]]]?
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** Nadja's non-reaction to Guillermo [[spoiler: finally coming out as gay to his family]] family is both funny ''and'' [[Heartwarming/WhatWeDoInTheShadows2019 strangely heartwarming.]]
--->'''Nadja:''' I mean, who isn't[[spoiler: [[CastFullOfGay gay]]]]?gay]]?
--->'''Nadja:''' I mean, who isn't
Changed line(s) 186,187 (click to see context) from:
** Throughout the season, Laszlo has been watching a home renovation show ''Go Flip Yourself''. He then proceeds to invite the hosts to the mansion so they can fix the place up... Only for the host to be revealed as [[spoiler: Simon the Devious,]] who went through the effort of ''starting a multi-season television show'' for the sole purpose of luring Laszlo into hiring them so that [[spoiler: Simon]] can get the cursed witch-hat back.
** The roomates accuse [[spoiler: Simon the Devious]] of breaking TheMasquerade, as the show will be aired to millions of people... Only for him to declare that his show is so tedious and uninteresting that ''nobody is going to notice.'' And indeed, when the episode does air, nobody does.
** The roomates accuse [[spoiler: Simon the Devious]] of breaking TheMasquerade, as the show will be aired to millions of people... Only for him to declare that his show is so tedious and uninteresting that ''nobody is going to notice.'' And indeed, when the episode does air, nobody does.
to:
** Throughout the season, Laszlo has been watching a home renovation show ''Go Flip Yourself''. He then proceeds to invite the hosts to the mansion so they can fix the place up... Only for the host to be revealed as [[spoiler: Simon the Devious,]] Devious, who went through the effort of ''starting a multi-season television show'' for the sole purpose of luring Laszlo into hiring them so that [[spoiler: Simon]] Simon can get the cursed witch-hat back.
** Theroomates roommates accuse [[spoiler: Simon the Devious]] Devious of breaking TheMasquerade, as the show will be aired to millions of people... Only for him to declare that his show is so tedious and uninteresting that ''nobody is going to notice.'' And indeed, when the episode does air, nobody does.
** The
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Changed line(s) 86 (click to see context) from:
* "Ghosts": [[EveryoneHasStandards Despite his usual horniness]], [[ItMakesSenseInContext the undead Laszlo is very reluctant to help his own ghost]] with his unfinished business of having one last orgasm. When Nadja mistakes the fresh semen for ectoplasm, Laszlo has a quick SureLetsGoWithThat reaction.
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* "Ghosts": "Ghosts":
** [[EveryoneHasStandards Despite his usual horniness]], [[ItMakesSenseInContext the undead Laszlo is very reluctant to help his own ghost]] with his unfinished business of having one last orgasm. When Nadja mistakes the fresh semen for ectoplasm, Laszlo has a quick SureLetsGoWithThat reaction.
** Nadja's [[LargeHam delivery]] of the GratuitousGreek chant during the seance has to be heard to be believed.
** [[EveryoneHasStandards Despite his usual horniness]], [[ItMakesSenseInContext the undead Laszlo is very reluctant to help his own ghost]] with his unfinished business of having one last orgasm. When Nadja mistakes the fresh semen for ectoplasm, Laszlo has a quick SureLetsGoWithThat reaction.
** Nadja's [[LargeHam delivery]] of the GratuitousGreek chant during the seance has to be heard to be believed.
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** "[[CrossesTheLineTwice I'm gonna take my hat back, you crispy piece of shit]]."
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* "The Night Market":
** Nadja's solution to the striking Wraiths is to kill them all.
** Nadja's solution to the striking Wraiths is to kill them all.
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Changed line(s) 150 (click to see context) from:
** "Is that him? Is that [[TheCameo Count]] [[Creator/ ScottBakula Bakula]]?"
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** "Is that him? Is that [[TheCameo Count]] [[Creator/ ScottBakula [[Creator/ScottBakula Bakula]]?"
Changed line(s) 152,154 (click to see context) from:
-->''This is the most poorly run Vampiric Council since the rule of [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast
Paduk the Deranged]]. Who also tried to share his leadership duties with what he believed to be was a talking footstool.''
Paduk the Deranged]]. Who also tried to share his leadership duties with what he believed to be was a talking footstool.''
to:
-->''This is the most poorly run Vampiric Council since the rule of [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast
[[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Paduk the Deranged]]. Who also tried to share his leadership duties with what he believed to be was a talking footstool.''
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* "The Siren":
** "Is that him? Is that [[TheCameo Count]] [[Creator/ ScottBakula Bakula]]?"
** The Guide is not impressed with Nandor and Nadja's power sharing arrangement:
-->''This is the most poorly run Vampiric Council since the rule of [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast
Paduk the Deranged]]. Who also tried to share his leadership duties with what he believed to be was a talking footstool.''
** "Is that him? Is that [[TheCameo Count]] [[Creator/ ScottBakula Bakula]]?"
** The Guide is not impressed with Nandor and Nadja's power sharing arrangement:
-->''This is the most poorly run Vampiric Council since the rule of [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast
Paduk the Deranged]]. Who also tried to share his leadership duties with what he believed to be was a talking footstool.''
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Changed line(s) 171 (click to see context) from:
** Nadja's non-reaction to Guillermo [[spoiler: finally coming out as gay]] is both funny ''and'' [[Heartwarming/WhatWeDoInTheShadows2019 strangely heartwarming.]]
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** Nadja's non-reaction to Guillermo [[spoiler: finally coming out as gay]] gay to his family]] is both funny ''and'' [[Heartwarming/WhatWeDoInTheShadows2019 strangely heartwarming.]]
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** Laszlo tells Nandor there's "room in the back" for him to join while having reunion sex with Nadja on a couch nearby. Nandor says he's "tempted", but declines and choses to continue just watching them.
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Changed line(s) 41 (click to see context) from:
'''Colin:''' ''(groans)'' Remind me to email you a link on a Slate article on the Millennial Housing ''CRISIS!''\\
to:
'''Colin:''' ''(groans)'' Remind me to email you a link on a Slate article on the Millennial Snake Person Housing ''CRISIS!''\\
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** Nadja's non-reaction to Guillermo [[spoiler: finally coming out as gay]] is both funny ''and'' [[Heartwarming/WhatWeDoInTheShadows2019 strangely heartwarming.]]
--->'''Nadja:''' I mean, who isn't [[spoiler: [[CastFullOfGay gay]]]]?
--->'''Guillermo:''' [[DeadpanSnarker A lot of people.]]
--->'''Nadja:''' [[SnarkToSnarkCombat Oh, okay.]] [[FlatJoy Woohoo.]] I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry.
--->'''Nadja:''' I mean, who isn't [[spoiler: [[CastFullOfGay gay]]]]?
--->'''Guillermo:''' [[DeadpanSnarker A lot of people.]]
--->'''Nadja:''' [[SnarkToSnarkCombat Oh, okay.]] [[FlatJoy Woohoo.]] I'll get the trumpets out. Sorry.
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* "Pine Barrens":
** Guillermo has to tell increasingly sillier lies about his real life to his family, culminating in saying that Nadja is both his maid and his girlfriend, and regularly calls him a rotten shitbag as a term of endearment.
** Marwa, the Guide, and Doll Nadja are completely oblivious to Nadja being chased around by Guillermo's relatives since they're so enrapt by the plot of ''Film/MammaMia''. All three have been trying to figure out which actor is the father of Sophie, with the Guide bewildered that this movie seems to be so long.
** Guillermo has to tell increasingly sillier lies about his real life to his family, culminating in saying that Nadja is both his maid and his girlfriend, and regularly calls him a rotten shitbag as a term of endearment.
** Marwa, the Guide, and Doll Nadja are completely oblivious to Nadja being chased around by Guillermo's relatives since they're so enrapt by the plot of ''Film/MammaMia''. All three have been trying to figure out which actor is the father of Sophie, with the Guide bewildered that this movie seems to be so long.
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Changed line(s) 163 (click to see context) from:
** Creator/SalVulcano, whom Lazlo quickly murders
to:
** Creator/SalVulcano, Sal Vulcano, whom Lazlo quickly murders
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* "Go Flip Yourself":
** Throughout the season, Laszlo has been watching a home renovation show ''Go Flip Yourself''. He then proceeds to invite the hosts to the mansion so they can fix the place up... Only for the host to be revealed as [[spoiler: Simon the Devious,]] who went through the effort of ''starting a multi-season television show'' for the sole purpose of luring Laszlo into hiring them so that [[spoiler: Simon]] can get the cursed witch-hat back.
** The roomates accuse [[spoiler: Simon the Devious]] of breaking TheMasquerade, as the show will be aired to millions of people... Only for him to declare that his show is so tedious and uninteresting that ''nobody is going to notice.'' And indeed, when the episode does air, nobody does.
** Throughout the season, Laszlo has been watching a home renovation show ''Go Flip Yourself''. He then proceeds to invite the hosts to the mansion so they can fix the place up... Only for the host to be revealed as [[spoiler: Simon the Devious,]] who went through the effort of ''starting a multi-season television show'' for the sole purpose of luring Laszlo into hiring them so that [[spoiler: Simon]] can get the cursed witch-hat back.
** The roomates accuse [[spoiler: Simon the Devious]] of breaking TheMasquerade, as the show will be aired to millions of people... Only for him to declare that his show is so tedious and uninteresting that ''nobody is going to notice.'' And indeed, when the episode does air, nobody does.
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* "The Cloak of Duplication":
** Laszlo's pure glee at finding the Vampiric Council's legendary PornStash.
-->''Don't touch that book, [[MaliciousMisnaming Gizmo]], it's too much for your young cock.''
** Nadja going full [[TyrantTakesTheHelm tyrannical]] [[GodSaveUsFromTheQueen maniac]] as de facto leader of the council.
-->''I am fully prepared to escalate things to crazy levels!!''
** Laszlo's pure glee at finding the Vampiric Council's legendary PornStash.
-->''Don't touch that book, [[MaliciousMisnaming Gizmo]], it's too much for your young cock.''
** Nadja going full [[TyrantTakesTheHelm tyrannical]] [[GodSaveUsFromTheQueen maniac]] as de facto leader of the council.
-->''I am fully prepared to escalate things to crazy levels!!''
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Changed line(s) 141 (click to see context) from:
** After Nandor asks how ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'' got its name, Colin Robinson [[HiddenDepths helpfully gives him a lecture on astrophysics]]. Unfortunately, this sends poor Nandor into a HeroicBSOD, as he'd spent the last 750 years believing that [[Literature/{{Discworld}} the Earth sat atop the backs of four elephants perched upon a giant turtle]].
to:
** After Nandor asks how ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'' got its name, Colin Robinson [[HiddenDepths helpfully gives him a lecture on astrophysics]]. Unfortunately, this sends poor Nandor into a HeroicBSOD, as he'd spent the last 750 years believing that [[Literature/{{Discworld}} [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Turtle the Earth sat atop the backs of four elephants perched upon a giant turtle]].
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*** Then at the end, it's revealed that the headmaster died from a stroke due to too many mind wipes in a row.
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Changed line(s) 155,156 (click to see context) from:
* "Private School":
** The vampires' increasingly ridiculous attempts to hypnotize the headmaster of a private school they want to get baby Colin into involve them attempting to pose as Colin's parents, a situation that results in them repeatedly wiping the headmaster's mind and starting from scratch. Among Colin's many "mothers" and "fathers" are:
** The vampires' increasingly ridiculous attempts to hypnotize the headmaster of a private school they want to get baby Colin into involve them attempting to pose as Colin's parents, a situation that results in them repeatedly wiping the headmaster's mind and starting from scratch. Among Colin's many "mothers" and "fathers" are:
to:
* "Private School":
**School": The vampires' increasingly ridiculous attempts to hypnotize the headmaster of a private school they want to get baby Colin into involve them attempting to pose as Colin's parents, a situation that results in them repeatedly wiping the headmaster's mind and starting from scratch. Among Colin's many "mothers" and "fathers" are:
**
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* "Private School":
** The vampires' increasingly ridiculous attempts to hypnotize the headmaster of a private school they want to get baby Colin into involve them attempting to pose as Colin's parents, a situation that results in them repeatedly wiping the headmaster's mind and starting from scratch. Among Colin's many "mothers" and "fathers" are:
** Lazlo and Nandor, who pretend to be gay and go on about how they "ream each other nightly"
** Guillermo as a single father
** Creator/SalVulcano, whom Lazlo quickly murders
** Sean and the ''headmaster'', both of whom are too confused to protest
** The ''corpse'' of Sal Vulcano and a random skunk
** The vampires' increasingly ridiculous attempts to hypnotize the headmaster of a private school they want to get baby Colin into involve them attempting to pose as Colin's parents, a situation that results in them repeatedly wiping the headmaster's mind and starting from scratch. Among Colin's many "mothers" and "fathers" are:
** Lazlo and Nandor, who pretend to be gay and go on about how they "ream each other nightly"
** Guillermo as a single father
** Creator/SalVulcano, whom Lazlo quickly murders
** Sean and the ''headmaster'', both of whom are too confused to protest
** The ''corpse'' of Sal Vulcano and a random skunk
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Changed line(s) 61 (click to see context) from:
** Thanks to the cursed witch hat, Laszlo's cape gets caught in the taxicab door and results in him getting dragged for a entire block.
to:
** Thanks to the cursed witch hat, Laszlo's cape gets caught in the taxicab door and results in him getting dragged for a an entire block.
Changed line(s) 70 (click to see context) from:
** The gang meet two folks -- "[[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Vasilika the Defiler]]" and "[[TomTheDarkLord Garrett the Vampire]]" -- who claim to have been prisoners in a single room for "over a thousand years" since... 1932. When they hear it's 2019 and so they were only in there for 90 years, they moan about how this is worse then they thought.
to:
** The gang meet two folks -- "[[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Vasilika the Defiler]]" and "[[TomTheDarkLord Garrett the Vampire]]" -- who claim to have been prisoners in a single room for "over a thousand years" since... 1932. When they hear it's 2019 and so they were only in there for 90 years, they moan about how this is worse then than they thought.
Changed line(s) 76 (click to see context) from:
** While preparing for the bi-annual vampire orgy, Laszlo brings out some vintage vampire porn that he starred in. Nadja tells him "just throw it on the pile." Pan to a large pile of assorted sex toys and a gimp.
to:
** While preparing for the bi-annual vampire orgy, Laszlo brings out some vintage vampire porn that he starred in. Nadja tells him "just "Just throw it on the pile." Pan to a large pile of assorted sex toys and a gimp.
Changed line(s) 94 (click to see context) from:
* The '''entirety''' of "On The Run". Due to an old debtor -- a vampire named Jim, played by Creator/MarkHamill -- Laszlo moves to Pennsylvania for a week to become Jackie Daytona, regular human bartender, whose only differences from Laszlo are the toothpick in his mouth and his love of girls' high school volleyball.
to:
* The '''entirety''' of "On The the Run". Due to an old debtor -- a vampire named Jim, played by Creator/MarkHamill -- Laszlo moves to Pennsylvania for a week to become Jackie Daytona, regular human bartender, whose only differences from Laszlo are the toothpick in his mouth and his love of girls' high school volleyball.
Changed line(s) 153,154 (click to see context) from:
** Tired of the attention Nador is giving him one of Nador's guy wives asks for the gold coin.
** In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... [[spoiler: And send ''Guillermo'' in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the Van Hellsing clan.]]
** In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... [[spoiler: And send ''Guillermo'' in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the Van Hellsing clan.]]
to:
** Tired of the attention Nador Nandor is giving him one of Nador's Nandor's guy wives asks for the gold coin.
** In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... [[spoiler: And send ''Guillermo'' in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the VanHellsing Helsing clan.]]
** In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... [[spoiler: And send ''Guillermo'' in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the Van
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Changed line(s) 47 (click to see context) from:
--->'''Nadja:''' ''(next to a stuffed owl)'' This one is a very special creature to me. When I first met Laszlo, I was walking on the moors with him, and this owl flew over and scratched my head, and I said "Kill that fucking bitch please, Laszlo."\\
to:
--->'''Nadja:''' ''(next to a stuffed owl)'' This one is a very special creature to me. When I first met Laszlo, I was walking on the moors with him, and this owl flew over and scratched my head, and I said said, "Kill that fucking bitch please, Laszlo."\\
Changed line(s) 52 (click to see context) from:
** How does Nandor win a fight with a gigantic werewolf? Distract him with a squeaky bone chew toy. And throw it over the edge of the building they are fighting on top of, where said [[DogsAreDumb werewolf jumps over to catch it.]]
to:
** How does Nandor win a fight with a gigantic werewolf? Distract him with a squeaky bone chew toy. And throw it over the edge of the building they are fighting on top of, where said [[DogsAreDumb werewolf jumps over to catch it.]] ]] As they mourn their fallen friend, the werewolves ask the vampires if they can actually keep the bone if they can find it; the vampires don't care, so the werewolves immediately abandon the corpse and start looking for the prized squeaky bone.
Changed line(s) 61 (click to see context) from:
** Thanks to the cursed witch hat, Laszlo's cape gets caught in the taxi cab door and results in him getting dragged for a entire block.
to:
** Thanks to the cursed witch hat, Laszlo's cape gets caught in the taxi cab taxicab door and results in him getting dragged for a entire block.
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** In order to convince the Guide to let them build the vampire nightclub, Nadja and Laszlo decide to take advantage of her fetishes... [[spoiler: And send ''Guillermo'' in to seduce her, as it turns out she's into the Van Hellsing clan.]]
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* "The Lamp":
** Tired of the attention Nador is giving him one of Nador's guy wives asks for the gold coin.
** Tired of the attention Nador is giving him one of Nador's guy wives asks for the gold coin.
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** The roommates need to get some money. While Nadja suggests opening a nightclub, Nandor suggests ''raiding Fort Knox,'' or alternatively, Henry Ford's house.
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Changed line(s) 149,150 (click to see context) from:
** Nandor's "world tour" first had him going as far as Fresno where he fell in with a Wisconsin family for some roadside tourism spots. He then got on a container ship, eating the crew only to end up getting jammed in the Suez Canal.
** When Nando mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden create Guillermo has been in for ''the last week'' and Laszlo going "oh, that guy!"
** When Nando mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden create Guillermo has been in for ''the last week'' and Laszlo going "oh, that guy!"
to:
** Nandor's "world tour" first had him going as far as Fresno where he fell in with a Wisconsin family for some roadside tourism spots. He then got on a container ship, eating the crew only to end up [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2021_Suez_Canal_obstruction getting jammed in the Suez Canal.Canal]].
** WhenNando Nandor mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden create crate Guillermo has been in for ''the last week'' and Laszlo going "oh, that guy!"
** When
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Changed line(s) 150 (click to see context) from:
* When Nando mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden create Guillermo has been in for ''the last week'' and Laszlo going "oh, that guy!"
to:
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Changed line(s) 147 (click to see context) from:
* "Reunited": Nadja's reaction when she comes home is to look at the camera and marvel "these guys are still alive?!"
to:
* "Reunited": "Reunited":
** Nadja's reaction when she comes home is to look at the camera and marvel "these guys are stillalive?!"alive?!"
** Nandor's "world tour" first had him going as far as Fresno where he fell in with a Wisconsin family for some roadside tourism spots. He then got on a container ship, eating the crew only to end up getting jammed in the Suez Canal.
* When Nando mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden create Guillermo has been in for ''the last week'' and Laszlo going "oh, that guy!"
** Nadja's reaction when she comes home is to look at the camera and marvel "these guys are still
** Nandor's "world tour" first had him going as far as Fresno where he fell in with a Wisconsin family for some roadside tourism spots. He then got on a container ship, eating the crew only to end up getting jammed in the Suez Canal.
* When Nando mentions Guillermo, Laszlo has no idea who he's talking about. Cue Nadja popping open the wooden create Guillermo has been in for ''the last week'' and Laszlo going "oh, that guy!"
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[[/folder]]
[[folder: Season 4]]
* "Reunited": Nadja's reaction when she comes home is to look at the camera and marvel "these guys are still alive?!"
[[folder: Season 4]]
* "Reunited": Nadja's reaction when she comes home is to look at the camera and marvel "these guys are still alive?!"
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Changed line(s) 2 (click to see context) from:
[[caption-width-right:350:''"We drank the blood of some people but the people were on drugs. AND NOW I AM A WIZARD!"'']]
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[[caption-width-right:350:''"We drank the blood of some people people, but the people were on drugs. AND NOW drugs, and now I AM A WIZARD!"'']]am a wizard!"'']]
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[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/screenshot_20220408_154043_samsung_internet.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:350:''"We drank the blood of some people but the people were on drugs. AND NOW I AM A WIZARD!"'']]
[[caption-width-right:350:''"We drank the blood of some people but the people were on drugs. AND NOW I AM A WIZARD!"'']]
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-->'''Colin Robinson''': This is science.
-->'''Nandor''': (''desperately'') But this is a ''turtle!''
-->'''Nandor''': (''desperately'') But this is a ''turtle!''
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Hardsplitting from Funny.What We Do In The Shadows
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[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:Season 1]]
* "Pilot": Nandor pronouncing crepe paper 'creepy paper'.
-->'''Nandor:''' Oooooh, multi-pack!
** When Nandor talks about how his idea of dressing up fancy is to have glitter all over his face and body, "like in ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''", Guillermo, a big fanboy of ''Film/InterviewWithTheVampire'', cannot help but put on a disgusted sneer, Nandor's familiar or not.
* "City Council": Laszlo and Nadja complaining about how the Baron only gives orders during sex, and only at the moment of climax, and then doesn't repeat himself. They also act it out.
** Colin Robinson organizing a "mega-feed" at the zoning meeting by going up to the microphone and reading about zoning ordinances (specifically with him reading about the definition of ordinances from ''Webster's Unabridged Dictionary'').
** The various propositions Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja all make at the zoning meeting for what they want to be added to Staten Island: Laszlo wants a massive dome to be built over the entirety of Staten Island that blocks out all sunlight, Nadja wants there to be no noise during daylight hours, and Nandor wants all local churches to be destroyed (with their crucifixes burned) along with a total ban on turtlenecks and the creation of a vampire-only television channel (which will feature Nandor's favorite comedy, ''[[RefugeInAudacity Priests Falling Over]]''). Finally, they all want [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking free and compulsory harpsichord concerts every day of the week]].
** Laszlo attempts to make an alliance with Barbara Lazarro by impressing her with raccoon population control. Cue the next morning where there is a huge pile of dead raccoons on Barbara's patio, and a terrified Lazarro suspecting the Staten Island Trio of being members of a Mexican drug cartel.
** Nandor mind-controlling a member of the local city council to act as his puppet:
--->'''Barbara Lazarro:''' This was a clear and direct threat to my well-being...\\
'''Nandor:''' ''(ConfessionCam)'' [[TheyCalledMeMad They laughed at me.]] They will not be laughing now that I am about to unleash my hell-hound, ''Doug Peters!'' ...[[FailedAttemptAtDrama son]].\\
'''Barbara Lazarro:''' ...And to the safety of every member of this council.\\
'''Doug Peterson:''' It is a grim portent of things to come if we don't surrender, you ignorant ''[[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]''.\\
''(the audience gasps)''\\
'''Barbara Lazarro:''' ...[[FlatWhat What?]]\\
'''Nandor:''' ''Yes, Doug Peterson...''\\
'''Doug Peterson:''' I will rip your head from your body. And I will ''hang your entrails'' from the traffic light on Hylan Boulevard so our new masters will see that ''only those who submit will survive!''\\
'''Barbara Lazarro:''' Mr. Peterson, you are ''way'' out of order!
** Also Colin being downright ''ecstatic'' about the whole thing:
--->'''Nandor:''' Are you leaving with us?\\
'''Colin:''' ''(shit-eating grin)'' No. I-I can't stand up right now. [[RagingStiffie If you know what I mean.]] ''(laughs)''\\
'''Laszlo:''' ''(groans)'' [[TooMuchInformation Oh, god!]]
* "Werewolf Feud":
** The episode starts with Laszlo cheerfully showing off his various topiary creations to the documentary film crew. To be more specific, he leads them into a closed-off section of his garden where he has trimmed the bushes ''[[CrossesTheLineTwice into the shapes of the vulvas of the women he intensely admires and the prostitutes he's intimately familiar with]]''. Made even funnier by how his list of vulvas apparently includes [[UsefulNotes/JackTheRipper Mary Ann Nichols]], Nadja, [[NoodleIncident Nancy Reagan]], and [[BreadEggsMilkSquick his own mother]]. Nadja also later complains that because one of the werewolves urinated on Laszlo's mother's vulva, it now looks like Laszlo's ''sister's'' vulva.
** Colin Robinson showing the documentary crew his "morning cup of coffee" -- a.k.a. him cheerily banging on Nandor's coffin before he goes to work and Nandor angrily moans for Guillermo to get rid of him.
** When Colin Robinson acts as the "ad-hoc welcoming committee" for Evie Russel, he extends his hand as if he's going to shake hers, [[BaitAndSwitch but then slants his hand as if he's trying to get her to kiss it]]. He's also first so eager to feed on Evie prior to the office's natural suckiness draining her that he tries to fit between a set of cubicle walls before giving up and walking around to her.
** Colin Robinson and Evie Russel's [[WizardDuel energy vampire duel]]. Made even better by how Colin's attempt at annoying Evie basically consists of him "mansplaining" at her.
--->'''Colin Robinson:''' Evie Russell.\\
'''Evie Russel:''' ''Colin Robinson.''\\
'''Colin:''' ''(walks closer to Evie)'' Working late?\\
'''Evie:''' ''(walks closer to Colin)'' I have to. I'm behind.\\
'''Colin:''' I like your skirt. You should be careful, because mauve attracts bees!\\
'''Evie:''' I was wearing this skirt when my sister got her ''cancer diagnosis''!\\
'''Colin:''' ''(starts hovering)'' Cancer isn't usually what kills you! It's the treatment!\\
'''Evie:''' ''(starts hovering too)'' She was killed by a drunk driver! ''He was my fiancé!''\\
'''Colin:''' ''Violence often begins at home! Studies indicate--''\\
'''Evie:''' ''I've never HAD A HOME!''\\
'''Colin:''' ''(groans)'' Remind me to email you a link on a Slate article on the Millennial Housing ''CRISIS!''\\
'''Evie:''' ''(groans)'' ''I don't use email''... ever since my computer was hacked and my identity was stolen!\\
'''Colin:''' ''Film/{{Hackers}}'', featuring Creator/JonnyLeeMiller and Creator/FisherStevens, is one of the few movies from 1995 THAT STILL! HOLDS! ''UP!'' ''(thunder clap)''\\
'''Evie:''' ''(moans)'' I was held up ''at gunpoint'' while waiting to see that movie! But they didn't take any money! THEY JUST DID IT FOR ''FUN!''\\
''(both start screaming at each other)''
** Nadja showing off her collection of taxidermized animals to the documentary crew.
--->'''Nadja:''' ''(next to a stuffed owl)'' This one is a very special creature to me. When I first met Laszlo, I was walking on the moors with him, and this owl flew over and scratched my head, and I said "Kill that fucking bitch please, Laszlo."\\
''(gesturing to a stuffed armadillo)'' If Laszlo and I ever had a child, I like to think he would look like him: small and hard.\\
''(stands next to a stuffed mountain goat)'' I ''hate'' this goat.
** After they determine that they will have to have an honorable duel to resolve their dispute, the werewolves all ferociously howl and the vampires all furiously hiss... with [[ButtMonkey Guillermo trying to join in]] [[KickTheDog and immediately getting told off by Nandor]]. "Real vampires only!"
** The RunningGag of Nadja being repeatedly called a "''Literature/SenseAndSensibility'' bitch" by one of the female werewolves.
** How does Nandor win a fight with a gigantic werewolf? Distract him with a squeaky bone chew toy. And throw it over the edge of the building they are fighting on top of, where said [[DogsAreDumb werewolf jumps over to catch it.]]
* "Manhattan Night Club": Simon the Devious introducing his vampire crew the Leatherskins, and all their ridiculous names:
-->'''Simon the Devious:''' Of course that's Big Vlad behind you, Abbadon, Empusa. We've got the Freak Sisters over there, they're two sisters and they are not related. That's Little Vlad, the guy's a fucking maniac! We've got Mister Fifties, we've got S, and that's because her name is Sarah. We've got Evil Steve, Freakfest Tony. Ah there he is, Blagvlad the Exsanguinator! And of course, the Silent One.\\
'''The Silent One:''' ''(whispering)'' Hi.\\
'''Simon the Devious:''' We keep going over there, we've got Asian Mike, and that's Chunt, Jane the Soulless, Elgrad the Fifth, Horvok the Pit Master, Gonthrapel and his brother Krylsac. It's Wesley Sykes, Desdemona the Shrieker.\\
'''Desdemona the Shrieker:''' ''(inhuman shrieking noise)''\\
'''Simon the Devious:''' Yes. There's Len my accountant, and of course, Count Rapula. \\
'''Count Rapula:''' Three hundred years livin' in New York, son. I didn't start rhymin' 'til 1991.\\
'''Simon the Devious:''' Yes, he just started rapping in 1991!
** Thanks to the cursed witch hat, Laszlo's cape gets caught in the taxi cab door and results in him getting dragged for a entire block.
* "Animal Control": After being [[ItMakesSenseInContext rescued from animal control after being knocked unconscious as a bat,]] Laszlo says he has to go back for his animal brethren. Cut to the cats he was trying to rescue clawing and yowling all over him.
* All of the bender scenes in "Baron's Night Out". Special mention to Nandor's "drug blood" bit, throughout which Nandor is wearing a traffic cone on his head like a wizard's hat.
-->"We drank the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I am a ''wizard!''"
** He then goes on to sing a little ditty about it and flap his arms around.
--->"I drank the drug blood, yeah, I drank some drug blood...
** The Baron takes a bite of pizza. Cue projectile vomiting and being propelled by the vomit to the point where he ''soars between two buildings'' before crashing back down to Earth. The Baron cinches it by saying that it was worth it.
* "The Trial":
** The room where the East Coast Vampire Council meets is called the "Temple of Blood-Devourers"... and is just the basement level of an ordinary office block. Even better, it's mentioned in passing that the torches lighting their hallways are all actually fake electrical lights, since otherwise "the fire marshal would have a fit."
** The gang meet two folks -- "[[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Vasilika the Defiler]]" and "[[TomTheDarkLord Garrett the Vampire]]" -- who claim to have been prisoners in a single room for "over a thousand years" since... 1932. When they hear it's 2019 and so they were only in there for 90 years, they moan about how this is worse then they thought.
*** This scene also has Garret vowing that if he ever finds the vampire who framed him for turning a baby into a vampire (read: Laszlo), he will "take a dagger... and stab them ''5,000 times'', with this hand, then switch hands, and stab them ''another 5,000 times''!" Laszlo's visible OhCrap expression [[FunnyBackgroundEvent in the background]] only makes it funnier.
*** Why was Vasilika imprisoned? In her own words, "[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment too much defiling]]."
** The members of the Vampire Council. In addition to the original cast of the movie reprising their roles, the crew somehow managed to actually get [[Creator/TildaSwinton Tilda]] [[Film/OnlyLoversLeftAlive Swinton]], [[Creator/DannyTrejo Danny]] [[Film/FromDuskTillDawn Trejo]], [[Creator/PaulReubens Paul]] [[Film/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Reubens]], [[Creator/EvanRachelWood Evan]] [[Series/TrueBlood Rachel Wood]], and... wait for it... '''''[[Creator/WesleySnipes Wesley]] [[Film/BladeTrilogy Snipes]]''''' to dress up like vampires and bicker. Mention is made that "[[Creator/RobertPattinson Robert]] wanted to move beyond that [[Literature/{{Twilight}} stuff]]...", [[Creator/BradPitt Brad]] [[Film/InterviewWithTheVampire and]] [[Creator/TomCruise Tom]] weren't interested, and "[[Creator/KieferSutherland Kiefer]] [[Film/TheLostBoys wanted to]], but wasn't available."
*** Paul points out that Wesley is a vampire killer and shouldn't be on the council. Tilda plays peacekeeper by saying that Wesley's opinion still counts since he's half vampire, and Danny grumbles that he'll only listen to ''half'' of Wesley's opinion. Wesley, meanwhile, is on a video chat with a glitchy connection, and is at least a minute behind everyone else.
* "The Orgy":
** While preparing for the bi-annual vampire orgy, Laszlo brings out some vintage vampire porn that he starred in. Nadja tells him "just throw it on the pile." Pan to a large pile of assorted sex toys and a gimp.
--->'''Laszlo:''' Alright there, Constantine?\\
'''Constantine:''' ''[waves in acknowledgement]''
** Guillermo is rather uncomfortable with the fact that the vampires are hosting an orgy and how he has to help out with organizing it, especially when they make him describe whatever sex acts they're pantomiming while they prepare for it.
--->'''Guillermo:''' "Gizmo, get the dildos!" "Gizmo, try out the dildos!" "Mmm, how were the dildos?" ''[frustrated]'' They're fine.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 2]]
* "Resurrection": Guillermo repeatedly stating how he doesn't want to be a vampire hunter, followed by a montage of vampires that he's killed in the last week or so.
* "Ghosts": [[EveryoneHasStandards Despite his usual horniness]], [[ItMakesSenseInContext the undead Laszlo is very reluctant to help his own ghost]] with his unfinished business of having one last orgasm. When Nadja mistakes the fresh semen for ectoplasm, Laszlo has a quick SureLetsGoWithThat reaction.
* "Brain Scramblies": The gang gets invited to a Super Bowl party, which they all interpret as a "Superb Owl" party. It rapidly devolves into Nadja attempting to rob them, Colin using the party as an excuse to to drain a captive audience, and Nandor and Laszlo accidentally overhypnotizing the host into insanity. Meanwhile, Guillermo accidentally walks into a vampire hunter meeting, much to his visible and audible irritation.
* "The Curse": After Guillermo's admittedly awesome vampire hunting rampage through the house, he escapes... Leaving every vampire in the building to turn to the film crew.
-->'''Cameraman:''' Shit.
** [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome They do manage to escape despite this]].
** Meanwhile, in the same episode as Guillermo's vampire hunting, the trio get a chain email and freak out under the assumption that Nandor has actually cursed them all.
** Laszlo's reaction to a ''ringing phone'' has to be [[LargeHam seen to]] [[MundaneMadeAwesome be believed]].
--->''What clarion call is that?! The clanging chimes'' '''[[DoomyDoomsOfDoom OF DOOM]]?!'''
* "Colin's Promotion": Colin Robinson's power grows so great that he can exhaust people with a ''single joke.'' Eventually, he drains so much power that he gains the powers of flight and multiplication.
* The '''entirety''' of "On The Run". Due to an old debtor -- a vampire named Jim, played by Creator/MarkHamill -- Laszlo moves to Pennsylvania for a week to become Jackie Daytona, regular human bartender, whose only differences from Laszlo are the toothpick in his mouth and his love of girls' high school volleyball.
** Laszlo offhandedly explaining how he got the job as bartender:
--->'''Laszlo:''' I took over Lucky Bruce's Bar and Grill. The previous owner, he mysteriously disappeared. ''(without skipping a beat)'' Because I killed him.
** Laszlo's enemy [[TomTheDarkLord Jim]] -- not realizing that "Jackie Daytona" is the vampire he's looking for -- gives him a business card and says to call him if Laszlo turns up. When Laszlo thanks him by name, Jim suspiciously freezes and asks how he knew his name -- [[AntiClimax turns out it was printed on the business card all along]].
* "The Return": Simon the Devious returns, seeking the cursed witch hat. He and Laszlo have a bat fight over it, but since the hat is cursed, they both end up getting injured whenever one of them grabs it. At one point, Laszlo winds up in the street and is hit by a string of cars in rapid succession, being spun head-over-heels as he bounces along their roofs.
** Simon melodramatically explains how he escaped and reunited with Count Rapula:
--->'''Simon:''' How did I survive, you ask?\\
'''Laszlo:''' I didn't ask.\\
'''Nadja:''' ''No one'' asked.\\
'''Simon:''' I used what little strength I had and wandered the sewers of New York City, eventually connecting with Carol, who has been great. And then I found Rapula by sending him psychic messages...\\
'''Count Rapula:''' ''(slightly peeved)'' Uh, you emailed me.\\
'''Simon:''' [[GladIThoughtOfIt And I emailed him as well.]] And now, it is to my ''great shame'' that you find me ''here!''\\
'''Nadja:''' In a sewer?\\
'''Simon:''' In Staten Island!
** Meanwhile, in the episode's [=B-plot=], Colin Robinson becomes an InternetTroll in order to gain energy at a distance. He ends up getting counter-trolled by... an ''actual'' Troll, who dislikes the term "trolling" because he finds it offensive. Colin... just can't help himself and starts feeding on the Troll.
--->'''Troll:''' It's an offensive term!\\
'''Colin:''' Well, it's what it means, so...\\
'''Troll:''' That's ''not'' what it ''means!''\\
'''Colin:''' It ''does'' mean that. If you want me to look it up in Webster's and show you, I will. You're basically just a big--\\
'''Troll:''' Don't say it! My being a troll is not related to my online-trolling!
*** Colin manages to bore the Troll for so long that he falls half-asleep and doesn't realize that the sun is coming up, causing him to turn to stone. What makes it particularly hilarious is that the pixilation filter over the Troll's exposed genitalia quietly fades away when it happens.
*** Colin celebrates his victory... a bit too soon.
---->'''Colin:''' Sorry, Music/FreddieMercury, but ''I'' am the champion! ''(lifts his arms in triumph and laughs)''\\
''(the petrified Troll suddenly moves its arm and grabs Colin by his lifted arms)''\\
'''Colin:''' ''...Shit!''
* "Collaboration": When Guillermo starts rambling about an orgy he was at, Nandor cuts him off before he gets to the conclusion of the story (where the orgy was attacked by vampires) because he thinks Guillermo is bragging.
* "Witches":
** After being kidnapped to have their semen extracted, Laszlo and Nandor are looking forward to what comes next and call for Nadja (who's in the next room) to take her time and make a plan before rescuing them. Then they see that their semen is going to be extracted with sharp torture instruments and frantically scream for Nadja to hurry.
** When Guillermo discovers an exit from the witches' room of many doors, Colin Robinson keeps casually StealingTheCredit for said escape purely to annoy him. It is ''extremely'' effective. It backfires when the witches decide to also extract Colin Robinson's semen and Guillermo casually states he doesn't understand English when Colin then tries to properly credit who actually figured the way out.
* "Théâtre des Vampires": Without the aid of Guillermo, the vampires are near-instantly reduced to ineffectiveness. Bodies are left scattered everywhere, candles are left in piles of melted wax, and the nightwalkers resort to wearing clothes such as sweatpants and jerseys because none of them knows how to do laundry.
** Guillermo's reason as to why he quit being a familiar.
--->'''Guillermo:''' I wasn't focused.\\
''(intense music plays as Guillermo ominously polishes a sword right behind Nadja's head)''
** During the play, Nadja and Laszlo constantly complain that the actors performing as them aren't up to snuff and keep doing stuff that they would never do. An exasperated [[OnlySaneMan Nandor]] [[LampshadeHanging points out that]] [[SkewedPriorities they should be more concerned about how the play is just the prelude to their deaths]]:
--->'''Nandor:''' This is your ''hot take?!'' That you have a problem with the ''choreography!?''
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 3]]
* "The Prisoner": In the month since Guillermo slaughtered the Vampire Council, Guillermo has been locked in a cage in the basement while Nandor, Nadja, Laszlo, Doll!Nadja, and Colin Robinson debate whether or not to kill him. Incompetent as the vampires are, the cage turns out to be easy for Guillermo to escape. Of course, rather than flee the house, he sticks around and does all the normal chores, because he realizes that the vampires would be hopeless without him. No one in the group has bothered to change out of their outfits from the last episode, implying that they went straight home from the Theatre and promptly spent the entire month debating what to do while not actually following up on anything.
** While Guillermo is locked up, the vampires provide him raw chicken to eat, which he understandably throws away and instead eats cooked food such as cheeseburgers while secretly out of his cage. Colin Robinson digs through his stool looking for "secret messages", and finds none... but does find identifiable pieces of pickles, which neither he nor any of the others (who, to be fair, probably try to ignore him as much as possible) find suspicious.
** Throughout Season 2, the vampires were constantly facing the prospect of death for the death of The Baron, but because Guillermo killed the entire Council for the Eastern Seaboard, the International Council of Vampires decides to promote Nadja, Laszlo, Nandor, and Colin Robinson to become the new regional Council, on the theory that AMillionIsAStatistic and anyone capable of killing that many of their fellow vampires must be capable of getting things done.
** The Guide is less than amused with having to assist these four, regarding them as a significant downgrade compared to past Councils, but writes off her complaints as "above her pay grade" whenever musing on it.
** Guillermo explains to the filming crew that he's become ImmuneToMindControl because the vampires keep using their hypnosis for the absolute pettiest things, including countermanding each other's commands. By now, he just considers going along with it easier than trying to disobey them.
* "Gail": Nandor invites his old girlfriend Gail to the house in the hopes of proposing and turning her into a vampire. Nadja hates her, mostly because every time she shows up, she leaves Nandor a heartbroken mess. Meanwhile, Colin Robinson and Laszlo attempt to transport an old car from inside the sanctum of vampires, and wreck billions of years of vampiric history in the process.
* "The Casino": At the casino's hotel, Colin Robinson is trying to watch his favorite show that he can only watch in the hotel... because it's [[IncrediblyLameFun the hotel's promotion channel]].
** While in Atlantic City for Sean and Charmaine's renewal of vows, Nadja is invited backstage to meet the Creator/RatPack... completely unaware that they are a tribute band and not actually Frankie, Dino, and Sammy. Upon meeting them, Laszlo expresses bafflement at how Frankie is now Chinese, but since Frankie still remembers the "Ring-a-ding-ding!" catchphrase, Laszlo just shrugs it off. For their part, the Rat Pack just assume that Nadja is a very enthusiastic groupie (and due to the vampires being ill without their native soil, a very drunk groupie at that).
** Nadja thinks that a good way of reminding the Rat Pack who she is, is to fling up her legs and show them her crotch.
** After Nandor asks how ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'' got its name, Colin Robinson [[HiddenDepths helpfully gives him a lecture on astrophysics]]. Unfortunately, this sends poor Nandor into a HeroicBSOD, as he'd spent the last 750 years believing that [[Literature/{{Discworld}} the Earth sat atop the backs of four elephants perched upon a giant turtle]].
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 1]]
* "Pilot": Nandor pronouncing crepe paper 'creepy paper'.
-->'''Nandor:''' Oooooh, multi-pack!
** When Nandor talks about how his idea of dressing up fancy is to have glitter all over his face and body, "like in ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''", Guillermo, a big fanboy of ''Film/InterviewWithTheVampire'', cannot help but put on a disgusted sneer, Nandor's familiar or not.
* "City Council": Laszlo and Nadja complaining about how the Baron only gives orders during sex, and only at the moment of climax, and then doesn't repeat himself. They also act it out.
** Colin Robinson organizing a "mega-feed" at the zoning meeting by going up to the microphone and reading about zoning ordinances (specifically with him reading about the definition of ordinances from ''Webster's Unabridged Dictionary'').
** The various propositions Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja all make at the zoning meeting for what they want to be added to Staten Island: Laszlo wants a massive dome to be built over the entirety of Staten Island that blocks out all sunlight, Nadja wants there to be no noise during daylight hours, and Nandor wants all local churches to be destroyed (with their crucifixes burned) along with a total ban on turtlenecks and the creation of a vampire-only television channel (which will feature Nandor's favorite comedy, ''[[RefugeInAudacity Priests Falling Over]]''). Finally, they all want [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking free and compulsory harpsichord concerts every day of the week]].
** Laszlo attempts to make an alliance with Barbara Lazarro by impressing her with raccoon population control. Cue the next morning where there is a huge pile of dead raccoons on Barbara's patio, and a terrified Lazarro suspecting the Staten Island Trio of being members of a Mexican drug cartel.
** Nandor mind-controlling a member of the local city council to act as his puppet:
--->'''Barbara Lazarro:''' This was a clear and direct threat to my well-being...\\
'''Nandor:''' ''(ConfessionCam)'' [[TheyCalledMeMad They laughed at me.]] They will not be laughing now that I am about to unleash my hell-hound, ''Doug Peters!'' ...[[FailedAttemptAtDrama son]].\\
'''Barbara Lazarro:''' ...And to the safety of every member of this council.\\
'''Doug Peterson:''' It is a grim portent of things to come if we don't surrender, you ignorant ''[[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]''.\\
''(the audience gasps)''\\
'''Barbara Lazarro:''' ...[[FlatWhat What?]]\\
'''Nandor:''' ''Yes, Doug Peterson...''\\
'''Doug Peterson:''' I will rip your head from your body. And I will ''hang your entrails'' from the traffic light on Hylan Boulevard so our new masters will see that ''only those who submit will survive!''\\
'''Barbara Lazarro:''' Mr. Peterson, you are ''way'' out of order!
** Also Colin being downright ''ecstatic'' about the whole thing:
--->'''Nandor:''' Are you leaving with us?\\
'''Colin:''' ''(shit-eating grin)'' No. I-I can't stand up right now. [[RagingStiffie If you know what I mean.]] ''(laughs)''\\
'''Laszlo:''' ''(groans)'' [[TooMuchInformation Oh, god!]]
* "Werewolf Feud":
** The episode starts with Laszlo cheerfully showing off his various topiary creations to the documentary film crew. To be more specific, he leads them into a closed-off section of his garden where he has trimmed the bushes ''[[CrossesTheLineTwice into the shapes of the vulvas of the women he intensely admires and the prostitutes he's intimately familiar with]]''. Made even funnier by how his list of vulvas apparently includes [[UsefulNotes/JackTheRipper Mary Ann Nichols]], Nadja, [[NoodleIncident Nancy Reagan]], and [[BreadEggsMilkSquick his own mother]]. Nadja also later complains that because one of the werewolves urinated on Laszlo's mother's vulva, it now looks like Laszlo's ''sister's'' vulva.
** Colin Robinson showing the documentary crew his "morning cup of coffee" -- a.k.a. him cheerily banging on Nandor's coffin before he goes to work and Nandor angrily moans for Guillermo to get rid of him.
** When Colin Robinson acts as the "ad-hoc welcoming committee" for Evie Russel, he extends his hand as if he's going to shake hers, [[BaitAndSwitch but then slants his hand as if he's trying to get her to kiss it]]. He's also first so eager to feed on Evie prior to the office's natural suckiness draining her that he tries to fit between a set of cubicle walls before giving up and walking around to her.
** Colin Robinson and Evie Russel's [[WizardDuel energy vampire duel]]. Made even better by how Colin's attempt at annoying Evie basically consists of him "mansplaining" at her.
--->'''Colin Robinson:''' Evie Russell.\\
'''Evie Russel:''' ''Colin Robinson.''\\
'''Colin:''' ''(walks closer to Evie)'' Working late?\\
'''Evie:''' ''(walks closer to Colin)'' I have to. I'm behind.\\
'''Colin:''' I like your skirt. You should be careful, because mauve attracts bees!\\
'''Evie:''' I was wearing this skirt when my sister got her ''cancer diagnosis''!\\
'''Colin:''' ''(starts hovering)'' Cancer isn't usually what kills you! It's the treatment!\\
'''Evie:''' ''(starts hovering too)'' She was killed by a drunk driver! ''He was my fiancé!''\\
'''Colin:''' ''Violence often begins at home! Studies indicate--''\\
'''Evie:''' ''I've never HAD A HOME!''\\
'''Colin:''' ''(groans)'' Remind me to email you a link on a Slate article on the Millennial Housing ''CRISIS!''\\
'''Evie:''' ''(groans)'' ''I don't use email''... ever since my computer was hacked and my identity was stolen!\\
'''Colin:''' ''Film/{{Hackers}}'', featuring Creator/JonnyLeeMiller and Creator/FisherStevens, is one of the few movies from 1995 THAT STILL! HOLDS! ''UP!'' ''(thunder clap)''\\
'''Evie:''' ''(moans)'' I was held up ''at gunpoint'' while waiting to see that movie! But they didn't take any money! THEY JUST DID IT FOR ''FUN!''\\
''(both start screaming at each other)''
** Nadja showing off her collection of taxidermized animals to the documentary crew.
--->'''Nadja:''' ''(next to a stuffed owl)'' This one is a very special creature to me. When I first met Laszlo, I was walking on the moors with him, and this owl flew over and scratched my head, and I said "Kill that fucking bitch please, Laszlo."\\
''(gesturing to a stuffed armadillo)'' If Laszlo and I ever had a child, I like to think he would look like him: small and hard.\\
''(stands next to a stuffed mountain goat)'' I ''hate'' this goat.
** After they determine that they will have to have an honorable duel to resolve their dispute, the werewolves all ferociously howl and the vampires all furiously hiss... with [[ButtMonkey Guillermo trying to join in]] [[KickTheDog and immediately getting told off by Nandor]]. "Real vampires only!"
** The RunningGag of Nadja being repeatedly called a "''Literature/SenseAndSensibility'' bitch" by one of the female werewolves.
** How does Nandor win a fight with a gigantic werewolf? Distract him with a squeaky bone chew toy. And throw it over the edge of the building they are fighting on top of, where said [[DogsAreDumb werewolf jumps over to catch it.]]
* "Manhattan Night Club": Simon the Devious introducing his vampire crew the Leatherskins, and all their ridiculous names:
-->'''Simon the Devious:''' Of course that's Big Vlad behind you, Abbadon, Empusa. We've got the Freak Sisters over there, they're two sisters and they are not related. That's Little Vlad, the guy's a fucking maniac! We've got Mister Fifties, we've got S, and that's because her name is Sarah. We've got Evil Steve, Freakfest Tony. Ah there he is, Blagvlad the Exsanguinator! And of course, the Silent One.\\
'''The Silent One:''' ''(whispering)'' Hi.\\
'''Simon the Devious:''' We keep going over there, we've got Asian Mike, and that's Chunt, Jane the Soulless, Elgrad the Fifth, Horvok the Pit Master, Gonthrapel and his brother Krylsac. It's Wesley Sykes, Desdemona the Shrieker.\\
'''Desdemona the Shrieker:''' ''(inhuman shrieking noise)''\\
'''Simon the Devious:''' Yes. There's Len my accountant, and of course, Count Rapula. \\
'''Count Rapula:''' Three hundred years livin' in New York, son. I didn't start rhymin' 'til 1991.\\
'''Simon the Devious:''' Yes, he just started rapping in 1991!
** Thanks to the cursed witch hat, Laszlo's cape gets caught in the taxi cab door and results in him getting dragged for a entire block.
* "Animal Control": After being [[ItMakesSenseInContext rescued from animal control after being knocked unconscious as a bat,]] Laszlo says he has to go back for his animal brethren. Cut to the cats he was trying to rescue clawing and yowling all over him.
* All of the bender scenes in "Baron's Night Out". Special mention to Nandor's "drug blood" bit, throughout which Nandor is wearing a traffic cone on his head like a wizard's hat.
-->"We drank the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I am a ''wizard!''"
** He then goes on to sing a little ditty about it and flap his arms around.
--->"I drank the drug blood, yeah, I drank some drug blood...
** The Baron takes a bite of pizza. Cue projectile vomiting and being propelled by the vomit to the point where he ''soars between two buildings'' before crashing back down to Earth. The Baron cinches it by saying that it was worth it.
* "The Trial":
** The room where the East Coast Vampire Council meets is called the "Temple of Blood-Devourers"... and is just the basement level of an ordinary office block. Even better, it's mentioned in passing that the torches lighting their hallways are all actually fake electrical lights, since otherwise "the fire marshal would have a fit."
** The gang meet two folks -- "[[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Vasilika the Defiler]]" and "[[TomTheDarkLord Garrett the Vampire]]" -- who claim to have been prisoners in a single room for "over a thousand years" since... 1932. When they hear it's 2019 and so they were only in there for 90 years, they moan about how this is worse then they thought.
*** This scene also has Garret vowing that if he ever finds the vampire who framed him for turning a baby into a vampire (read: Laszlo), he will "take a dagger... and stab them ''5,000 times'', with this hand, then switch hands, and stab them ''another 5,000 times''!" Laszlo's visible OhCrap expression [[FunnyBackgroundEvent in the background]] only makes it funnier.
*** Why was Vasilika imprisoned? In her own words, "[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment too much defiling]]."
** The members of the Vampire Council. In addition to the original cast of the movie reprising their roles, the crew somehow managed to actually get [[Creator/TildaSwinton Tilda]] [[Film/OnlyLoversLeftAlive Swinton]], [[Creator/DannyTrejo Danny]] [[Film/FromDuskTillDawn Trejo]], [[Creator/PaulReubens Paul]] [[Film/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Reubens]], [[Creator/EvanRachelWood Evan]] [[Series/TrueBlood Rachel Wood]], and... wait for it... '''''[[Creator/WesleySnipes Wesley]] [[Film/BladeTrilogy Snipes]]''''' to dress up like vampires and bicker. Mention is made that "[[Creator/RobertPattinson Robert]] wanted to move beyond that [[Literature/{{Twilight}} stuff]]...", [[Creator/BradPitt Brad]] [[Film/InterviewWithTheVampire and]] [[Creator/TomCruise Tom]] weren't interested, and "[[Creator/KieferSutherland Kiefer]] [[Film/TheLostBoys wanted to]], but wasn't available."
*** Paul points out that Wesley is a vampire killer and shouldn't be on the council. Tilda plays peacekeeper by saying that Wesley's opinion still counts since he's half vampire, and Danny grumbles that he'll only listen to ''half'' of Wesley's opinion. Wesley, meanwhile, is on a video chat with a glitchy connection, and is at least a minute behind everyone else.
* "The Orgy":
** While preparing for the bi-annual vampire orgy, Laszlo brings out some vintage vampire porn that he starred in. Nadja tells him "just throw it on the pile." Pan to a large pile of assorted sex toys and a gimp.
--->'''Laszlo:''' Alright there, Constantine?\\
'''Constantine:''' ''[waves in acknowledgement]''
** Guillermo is rather uncomfortable with the fact that the vampires are hosting an orgy and how he has to help out with organizing it, especially when they make him describe whatever sex acts they're pantomiming while they prepare for it.
--->'''Guillermo:''' "Gizmo, get the dildos!" "Gizmo, try out the dildos!" "Mmm, how were the dildos?" ''[frustrated]'' They're fine.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 2]]
* "Resurrection": Guillermo repeatedly stating how he doesn't want to be a vampire hunter, followed by a montage of vampires that he's killed in the last week or so.
* "Ghosts": [[EveryoneHasStandards Despite his usual horniness]], [[ItMakesSenseInContext the undead Laszlo is very reluctant to help his own ghost]] with his unfinished business of having one last orgasm. When Nadja mistakes the fresh semen for ectoplasm, Laszlo has a quick SureLetsGoWithThat reaction.
* "Brain Scramblies": The gang gets invited to a Super Bowl party, which they all interpret as a "Superb Owl" party. It rapidly devolves into Nadja attempting to rob them, Colin using the party as an excuse to to drain a captive audience, and Nandor and Laszlo accidentally overhypnotizing the host into insanity. Meanwhile, Guillermo accidentally walks into a vampire hunter meeting, much to his visible and audible irritation.
* "The Curse": After Guillermo's admittedly awesome vampire hunting rampage through the house, he escapes... Leaving every vampire in the building to turn to the film crew.
-->'''Cameraman:''' Shit.
** [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome They do manage to escape despite this]].
** Meanwhile, in the same episode as Guillermo's vampire hunting, the trio get a chain email and freak out under the assumption that Nandor has actually cursed them all.
** Laszlo's reaction to a ''ringing phone'' has to be [[LargeHam seen to]] [[MundaneMadeAwesome be believed]].
--->''What clarion call is that?! The clanging chimes'' '''[[DoomyDoomsOfDoom OF DOOM]]?!'''
* "Colin's Promotion": Colin Robinson's power grows so great that he can exhaust people with a ''single joke.'' Eventually, he drains so much power that he gains the powers of flight and multiplication.
* The '''entirety''' of "On The Run". Due to an old debtor -- a vampire named Jim, played by Creator/MarkHamill -- Laszlo moves to Pennsylvania for a week to become Jackie Daytona, regular human bartender, whose only differences from Laszlo are the toothpick in his mouth and his love of girls' high school volleyball.
** Laszlo offhandedly explaining how he got the job as bartender:
--->'''Laszlo:''' I took over Lucky Bruce's Bar and Grill. The previous owner, he mysteriously disappeared. ''(without skipping a beat)'' Because I killed him.
** Laszlo's enemy [[TomTheDarkLord Jim]] -- not realizing that "Jackie Daytona" is the vampire he's looking for -- gives him a business card and says to call him if Laszlo turns up. When Laszlo thanks him by name, Jim suspiciously freezes and asks how he knew his name -- [[AntiClimax turns out it was printed on the business card all along]].
* "The Return": Simon the Devious returns, seeking the cursed witch hat. He and Laszlo have a bat fight over it, but since the hat is cursed, they both end up getting injured whenever one of them grabs it. At one point, Laszlo winds up in the street and is hit by a string of cars in rapid succession, being spun head-over-heels as he bounces along their roofs.
** Simon melodramatically explains how he escaped and reunited with Count Rapula:
--->'''Simon:''' How did I survive, you ask?\\
'''Laszlo:''' I didn't ask.\\
'''Nadja:''' ''No one'' asked.\\
'''Simon:''' I used what little strength I had and wandered the sewers of New York City, eventually connecting with Carol, who has been great. And then I found Rapula by sending him psychic messages...\\
'''Count Rapula:''' ''(slightly peeved)'' Uh, you emailed me.\\
'''Simon:''' [[GladIThoughtOfIt And I emailed him as well.]] And now, it is to my ''great shame'' that you find me ''here!''\\
'''Nadja:''' In a sewer?\\
'''Simon:''' In Staten Island!
** Meanwhile, in the episode's [=B-plot=], Colin Robinson becomes an InternetTroll in order to gain energy at a distance. He ends up getting counter-trolled by... an ''actual'' Troll, who dislikes the term "trolling" because he finds it offensive. Colin... just can't help himself and starts feeding on the Troll.
--->'''Troll:''' It's an offensive term!\\
'''Colin:''' Well, it's what it means, so...\\
'''Troll:''' That's ''not'' what it ''means!''\\
'''Colin:''' It ''does'' mean that. If you want me to look it up in Webster's and show you, I will. You're basically just a big--\\
'''Troll:''' Don't say it! My being a troll is not related to my online-trolling!
*** Colin manages to bore the Troll for so long that he falls half-asleep and doesn't realize that the sun is coming up, causing him to turn to stone. What makes it particularly hilarious is that the pixilation filter over the Troll's exposed genitalia quietly fades away when it happens.
*** Colin celebrates his victory... a bit too soon.
---->'''Colin:''' Sorry, Music/FreddieMercury, but ''I'' am the champion! ''(lifts his arms in triumph and laughs)''\\
''(the petrified Troll suddenly moves its arm and grabs Colin by his lifted arms)''\\
'''Colin:''' ''...Shit!''
* "Collaboration": When Guillermo starts rambling about an orgy he was at, Nandor cuts him off before he gets to the conclusion of the story (where the orgy was attacked by vampires) because he thinks Guillermo is bragging.
* "Witches":
** After being kidnapped to have their semen extracted, Laszlo and Nandor are looking forward to what comes next and call for Nadja (who's in the next room) to take her time and make a plan before rescuing them. Then they see that their semen is going to be extracted with sharp torture instruments and frantically scream for Nadja to hurry.
** When Guillermo discovers an exit from the witches' room of many doors, Colin Robinson keeps casually StealingTheCredit for said escape purely to annoy him. It is ''extremely'' effective. It backfires when the witches decide to also extract Colin Robinson's semen and Guillermo casually states he doesn't understand English when Colin then tries to properly credit who actually figured the way out.
* "Théâtre des Vampires": Without the aid of Guillermo, the vampires are near-instantly reduced to ineffectiveness. Bodies are left scattered everywhere, candles are left in piles of melted wax, and the nightwalkers resort to wearing clothes such as sweatpants and jerseys because none of them knows how to do laundry.
** Guillermo's reason as to why he quit being a familiar.
--->'''Guillermo:''' I wasn't focused.\\
''(intense music plays as Guillermo ominously polishes a sword right behind Nadja's head)''
** During the play, Nadja and Laszlo constantly complain that the actors performing as them aren't up to snuff and keep doing stuff that they would never do. An exasperated [[OnlySaneMan Nandor]] [[LampshadeHanging points out that]] [[SkewedPriorities they should be more concerned about how the play is just the prelude to their deaths]]:
--->'''Nandor:''' This is your ''hot take?!'' That you have a problem with the ''choreography!?''
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 3]]
* "The Prisoner": In the month since Guillermo slaughtered the Vampire Council, Guillermo has been locked in a cage in the basement while Nandor, Nadja, Laszlo, Doll!Nadja, and Colin Robinson debate whether or not to kill him. Incompetent as the vampires are, the cage turns out to be easy for Guillermo to escape. Of course, rather than flee the house, he sticks around and does all the normal chores, because he realizes that the vampires would be hopeless without him. No one in the group has bothered to change out of their outfits from the last episode, implying that they went straight home from the Theatre and promptly spent the entire month debating what to do while not actually following up on anything.
** While Guillermo is locked up, the vampires provide him raw chicken to eat, which he understandably throws away and instead eats cooked food such as cheeseburgers while secretly out of his cage. Colin Robinson digs through his stool looking for "secret messages", and finds none... but does find identifiable pieces of pickles, which neither he nor any of the others (who, to be fair, probably try to ignore him as much as possible) find suspicious.
** Throughout Season 2, the vampires were constantly facing the prospect of death for the death of The Baron, but because Guillermo killed the entire Council for the Eastern Seaboard, the International Council of Vampires decides to promote Nadja, Laszlo, Nandor, and Colin Robinson to become the new regional Council, on the theory that AMillionIsAStatistic and anyone capable of killing that many of their fellow vampires must be capable of getting things done.
** The Guide is less than amused with having to assist these four, regarding them as a significant downgrade compared to past Councils, but writes off her complaints as "above her pay grade" whenever musing on it.
** Guillermo explains to the filming crew that he's become ImmuneToMindControl because the vampires keep using their hypnosis for the absolute pettiest things, including countermanding each other's commands. By now, he just considers going along with it easier than trying to disobey them.
* "Gail": Nandor invites his old girlfriend Gail to the house in the hopes of proposing and turning her into a vampire. Nadja hates her, mostly because every time she shows up, she leaves Nandor a heartbroken mess. Meanwhile, Colin Robinson and Laszlo attempt to transport an old car from inside the sanctum of vampires, and wreck billions of years of vampiric history in the process.
* "The Casino": At the casino's hotel, Colin Robinson is trying to watch his favorite show that he can only watch in the hotel... because it's [[IncrediblyLameFun the hotel's promotion channel]].
** While in Atlantic City for Sean and Charmaine's renewal of vows, Nadja is invited backstage to meet the Creator/RatPack... completely unaware that they are a tribute band and not actually Frankie, Dino, and Sammy. Upon meeting them, Laszlo expresses bafflement at how Frankie is now Chinese, but since Frankie still remembers the "Ring-a-ding-ding!" catchphrase, Laszlo just shrugs it off. For their part, the Rat Pack just assume that Nadja is a very enthusiastic groupie (and due to the vampires being ill without their native soil, a very drunk groupie at that).
** Nadja thinks that a good way of reminding the Rat Pack who she is, is to fling up her legs and show them her crotch.
** After Nandor asks how ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'' got its name, Colin Robinson [[HiddenDepths helpfully gives him a lecture on astrophysics]]. Unfortunately, this sends poor Nandor into a HeroicBSOD, as he'd spent the last 750 years believing that [[Literature/{{Discworld}} the Earth sat atop the backs of four elephants perched upon a giant turtle]].
[[/folder]]
