History Blog / ThingsMrWelchIsNoLongerAllowedToDoInAnRPG

---> 1481. The Island of [[UsefulNotes/{{Pettanko}} Small Breasted Fantasy Females]] does not exist.

* SubvertedRhymeEveryOccasion

* TakeThat: Almost all of his 4th edition Dungeons and Dragons related entries [[http://theglen.livejournal.com/272808.html are him taking potshots at that game.]]

* TalkingTheMonsterToDeath: Not appreciated by the [=DMs=] (that Mr. Welch plays with).

* UltimateShowdownOfUltimateDestiny: In-Universe

--> 1978. Naming the half ogre Sir Loin of Beef is gloating.

* UselessUsefulSpell

* UseYourHead

* WastefulWishing: Over a dozen, including:

* WaxingLyrical

* WeaponizedAnimal

* WeaponOfXSlaying

* WeightAndSwitch

--> 97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'

* MookHorrorShow
-->617: The forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo.

** Enforced by at least one of his Dungeonmasters.
--> 1481. The Island of [[UsefulNotes/{{Pettanko}} Small Breasted Fantasy Females]] does not exist.

--> 1653. The power gamer would appreciate me not bringing the book with the rule he is grotesquely abusing.
** Just as often, he deliberately makes himself as useless as possible — [[RuleOfFunny whichever is funny.]]
--> 1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.
---> 1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.
* MundaneSolution: Forbidden in at least one case:

--> 258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor +5

--> 672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.\\
893. {{Invisibility}} is all or nothing, can't just target their clothes.

--> 1270. [[MadBomber Weapon Focus:]] [[NukeEm Nukes]] is not a real feat.\\
1352. Even if we are issued a nuke, I'm not allowed to touch it.

--> 2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.

--> 1527. There is no Patron Saint of the Dodecahedron.

--> 1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie.

* SexSignalsDeath: The quintessential slasher movie example is parodied when Mr Welch attempts to exploit it:

* ShakeSomeoneObjectsFall: Entry 1108 clarifies that this is not an acceptable substitute for a pickpocket roll.

-->-- '''Mr. Welch''' answering a question about role playing at Con-Jour II

''Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed to Do in an RPG'' is ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin -- a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for TheLoonie, has been banned from doing in TabletopGames. It is ''[[ArchivePanic long]]'' (2,595 items at last count), imaginative, full of {{Defied Trope}}s (as in the {{Game Master}}s doing the defying to him), and often really funny.

The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by [=TheGlen=], but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of ''TabletopGame/DungeonsAndDragons''. Other games that appear frequently include the ''Franchise/StarWars'' tabletop games, ''TabletopGame/{{Deadlands}}'', ''TabletopGame/Cyberpunk2020'', ''TabletopGame/SeventhSea'', ''TabletopGame/WerewolfTheApocalypse'', ''TabletopGame/{{Aeon}} Trinity'', ''TabletopGame/IronClaw'', ''TabletopGame/IronKingdoms'', ''{{Anime/Robotech}}'', and ''TabletopGame/{{GURPS}}''.

-->461. Tasha's [[{{Gonk}} Uncontrollably Hideous]] Sister is not a real spell.

--> 2387. [[NoodleIncident I will not give anybody an unreasonable fear of gnomes.]]

--> 591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat.[[note]]This is odd, since the name of the Cleave feat is [[NonIndicativeName slightly non-indicative]]; it works just fine with any physical weapon. (Touch spells or spells in general, not so much.)[[/note]]

--> 483. No downloading porn from my CO's HUD.

--> 1155. Thri-keen do not have the flaw Obsession: Pretty lights
* AwesomeMcCoolname: Invoked

--> 680. My axe doesn't [[ShurFineGuns go off accidentally]] [[EpicFail when I'm cleaning it]].

--> 1889. Slapping a meltabomb on the Emperor's Children marine and [[InstantHumiliationJustAddYouTube putting his resulting efforts to get it off on YouTube]] gets me a Corruption Point.

--> 393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have [[AsLethalAsItNeedsToBe the non-lethal option]].[[note]]Webcomic/SchlockMercenary actually has one... A 'goober' gun, with sticky ammo that could dissolve in spots to make sure the target's mouth was unblocked for breathing; used for immobilization efforts. An uplifted gorilla was able to stick ''his'' head down the barrel, and described it as "On a cold night, you could take a bath[.]" It's still not a good idea to give one to Mr. Welch, though.[[/note]]

--> 988. Music/DavidBowie cannot [[{{Film/Labyrinth}} cast glitterdust at will]]. This issue is also closed.[[note]]See FanDisservice below for the ''[[BrickJoke first]]'' issue that was closed.[[/note]]

--> 28. The Goddess of Marriage's chosen weapon is not the whip.[[note]]As a comment so helpfully points out, the GM was wrong about this one. It ''is'' in fact a whip.[[/note]]

* BreakingTheFourthWall

--> 1128. I cannot JustForFun/{{Rickroll}} people with any video that increases their [[TabletopGame/CallOfCthulhu Mythos Lore]]. [[note]]Mythos Lore [[TheseAreThingsManWasNotMeantToKnow is generally]] [[GoMadFromTheRevelation inversely proportional]] [[SanityMeter to Sanity]].[[/note]]

--> 2192. The villain will eventually notice [[RammingAlwaysWorks the train tracks are starting to point]] [[DynamicEntry straight at his front door]].

* CombatMedic: Plan A — don't get hurt.

-->2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance.

* DamselInDistress: As if being a damsel in distress wasn't humiliating enough, Mr. Welch has a tendency to take away what little remains of their dignity:

--> 139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'

** Some of Welch's spins on this trope are downright frightening.
--> 963. After [[CriticalHit critting]] with a cannon, we can't dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner's mate.
--> 1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. [[ManOnFire Then setting him on fire]] is not.

--> 1066. If the GM’s wife is in the party, I’m not allowed to hunt anything cute.

** [[InvertedTrope It works in favor of the players as well.]]
--> 2077. If I abandon the game for alone time with my fiance, my PC dies. Ask me if I freaking care.
--> 2078. Just because the DM prefers D&D to alone time with a smoking hot fiance doesn't mean the party gets to question his gender preference.
* DugTooDeep:

* DynamicEntry: [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome Uh,]] [[AwesomeButImpractical nope.]]

-->[[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy If you attack a whale with a shotgun and miss, from the inside, you probably should re-roll your character.]]

** He also seems to have a particular dislike for pedophiles.
--> 1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about [[GroinAttack kicking people in the jewels]] for macking on {{Jailbait|Taboo}}.
--> 1665. [[WhatADrag I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station.]]
--> 1823. Despite what you'd think, [[PaedoHunt taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice]] doesn't restore my humanity.

* EvilLawyerJoke

-->5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.

* ExtremeOmnivore: Besides his ImAHumanitarian tendencies, Mr. Welch's characters like stretching the definition of 'food'.
--> 275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.\\
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.

* GeniusDitz: Mr. Welch knows a myriad ways to bypass the dungeon, [[RulesLawyer can take advantage of the rules in multiple ways]], is apparently skilled enough to get a whole lot of damage out of his weapons/spells, is implied to be smart enough to solve most plots in a matter of minutes, can wish his way past any genie, and is incredibly GenreSavvy and capable of easily solving grand plots. He is also a huge loony who has [[AbnormalAmmo strange ideas about ammo]], is completely AxCrazy, seems to think that all elves are gay (and [[ScrewYouElves holds a grudge against them]]), [[ChaoticStupid has a near-pathological need]] [[OffTheRails to derail games]], and is [[ExtremeOmnivore quite happy to eat anything the party comes across, including dead party members]]. Basically, the only defense a GM has against him is Rule Zero and the List.

--> 2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from [[DeathFromAbove eagles that swoop down]] [[KidnappingBirdOfPrey and grab them up]].

--> 1308: Everybody was not [[{{Pun}} gun-fu fighting]].

* HorseOfADifferentColor

--> 268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person.
--> 506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
--> 1455. Like a cow who goes to the well too often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
--> 1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.

--> 855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.

--> 2127. The following haircuts are forbidden to Ogrun: Pompadour, Flock of Seagulls, [[Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000 TV's Frank]]

* ItMakesSenseInContext: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious; for example:

** Makes more sense when you know that he tried it in a 3.5 ''Dungeons and Dragons'' game. [[note]]In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game.[[/note]]

-->47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.

--> 2350. Step one of every plan can't just be "Set them all on fire"

--> 403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.[[note]][[ComicallyMissingThePoint Because the correct code is]] ''up, up, down, down,'' left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.[[/note]]

* LamePunReaction: In a meta sense--many Things are disallowed just because they're a terrible pun, with seemingly no effect on gameplay (like saying you take the "un" out of "undead.")

--> 713. Even if the rules allow it, can't [[CherryTapping sink a battleship]] [[ImprobableWeaponUser with a stapler]].

* Perfumigation:

* StockholmSyndrome:

[[caption-width-right:250:Dwarf Bard Rjägnjär Hjëllstjürm. (#629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.)]]

[[caption-width-right:250:Dwarf Bard Rjägnjär Hjëllstjürm #629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.]]

* DropTheHammer:
--> 1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
--> 2028. Even if the rules allow it, [[EyeScream a called shot to the eyes]] with a sledgehammer isn't very practical.

[[caption-width-right:250:Dwarf Bard Rjägnjär Hjëllstjürm #629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.]]

--> 616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.

--> 616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.

--> 1111. There is no such thing as a [[WesternAnimation/TheVentureBrothers Magic Murder Bag]] of Holding.

--> 1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I [[Franchise/{{Dune}} shoot a shield with a lasgun]].

--> 2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf by [[Film/Predator smearing myself with mud]].

--> 2254. [[Film/Predator Covering myself in mud]] doesn't make me invisible to the elf.