YMMV / Conan the Barbarian (1982)

• Adaptation Displacement:
  • The film is likely what many think about when they hear the name Conan the Barbarian and not the Howard stories. And it's very likely that Conan = Arnold for many people. This might explain why any new Conan adaptation in live-action has badly failed or been relegated to obscurity since Conan will forever be Arnold to many. Anyone who plays Conan gets compared to him. Conan dates back to 1932, he's older than Superman.
  • Even the pronunciation of Conan's name counts - Howard just pronounced it "CONE-un" like Conan O'Brien does. Mako's stentorious "Co-NAHN!" means many English-speaking people still pronounce it that way. Many are even surprised to learn it's a real Celtic name (traditionally pronounced the former way) instead of a mere "fantasy name".
• Audience-Coloring Adaptation:
  • The movie significantly altered Conan's backstory from the books - guess which is the one most people, filmmakers and artists remember the best.
  • Parodies like UHF's ''Conan the Librarian'' tend to mock also Arnold's distinctive accent.
  • The cartoon series Conan the Adventurer and the live-action series also called Conan the Adventurer were both indebted to this movie in various ways like giving Conan a Doomed Hometown and doomed family thanks to the wizard-warlord villain, who he now wants revenge on, and a unique Cool Sword (the movie has two, the one made by his father and the Atlantean one), and the movie pronunciation of Conan's name sticking. The cartoon further copies the movie by mixing the worldbuilding of Conan and another Howard character King Kull (who lived ages before Conan) and thus having snake-themed villains. The series further copies the movie by having the slave and gladiator backstory and by having a thickly-accented German bodybuilder-turned-actor play Conan.
• Awesome Music: Basil Poledouris' work on this film is considered as one of the best movie soundtracks ever made. In fact, there are some music critics who consider this score to be one of the greatest classical music compositions of the 20th century.
  • To highlight some tracks, "Riders of Doom" is an epic anthem worthy of an army's final stand.
  • ''Anvil of Crom'' or ''Riddle of Steel.'' With so little dialogue, John Milius asked Basil Poledouris to write a Wagnerian operatic score that would carry the whole movie, including the nearly-wordless first half-hour. "Riddle of Steel"'s later middle section was slightly reworked into no less than three trailers for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Ocarina of Time 3D, and The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.
• Big-Lipped Alligator Moment:
  • The Hot Witch that Conan has sex with foretelling his future and telling him where to find Thulsa Doom, and the fact that she has Subotai chained up outside her cabin, is relevant to the plot and advances the story. The fact that she turns into some kind of succubus-type...thing(?) and tries to kill him, seemingly explodes when he throws her into the fire, and then flies out of her hut as a cackling ball of light does not.
  • Thulsa Doom turning into a snake. He just does it, the fact that he can do so serves no purpose, and it's not used or mentioned again. In the novelization of the movie it is explained that he did this cause he felt the presence of Conan and friends and wanted to escape, but the movie never explains why he has this ability or what really are his powers.
  • The European Spanish dub features another odd moment due to a translation mistake. In the original, when Conan and Subotai find Valeria, the first says "you're not a guard!" upon realizing she's fellow thief. However, the Spanish translation team (which apparently didn't have access to the script due to the film's Troubled Production) misheard Ahnold's thick accented "guard" as "god", so they translated his line as "you're not a goddess" (and Valeria's reply from "neither are you" to "you're not a god either") to try to make sense. Viewers unaware of this curiosity might come to believe they are missing something in the dialogue when it has no real meaning at all.
• Cant Unhear It: "Ah-nold's" voice has become the default for many when thinking not only of Conan, but barbarian heroes in general.
• Catharsis Factor: The scene where Conan beheads Thulsa Doom in front of his own cult has to be one of the most satisfying villain deaths in the history of cinema. Especially since the evil sorcerer killed his mother in the exact same manner.
• Complete Monster: Thulsa Doom starts by slaughtering Conan's village, decapitating Conan's mother while he stands next to her and selling the children as slaves, just so that he can obtain weapons of fine steel from the barbarians. Later in the film, Thulsa Doom orders a young woman to jump to her death to illustrate how much control he has over his followers before ordering Conan to be crucified. Shortly after that, we find out that Thulsa Doom and his followers practice cannibalism. Thulsa Doom proceeds to kill Valeria, probably Conan's greatest love in the movie-verse, with a snake arrow. After Rexor and his army's defeat in the Battle of the Mounds, Thulsa Doom coldly tries to do the same thing to the Princess after deeming her no longer useful to him.
• Cult Classic: An adaptation of the Trope Codifier of Sword and Sorcery, with a notoriously renegade writer and director, starring a virtually unknown bodybuilder and Basil Podedouris' stunning score? That sharply divided critics immediately, but found a dedicated audience? Sounds like a Cult Classic, alright.
• Enforced Method Acting: To get the dog pack chasing Conan to look extra fierce, meat was hung on Arnold's costume. Then the trainer accidentally released the dogs too early. Schwarzenegger really is running for his life in that scene. He needed 12 stitches in his back after the dogs dragged him backwards into rocks and thorn bushes. Then there's the fact he had to bite an actual dead vulture in the neck...
• Everyone Is Jesus in Purgatory:
  • According to this Overthinking It article the 1980s Conan movies have strong feminist, anti-racist and atheistic themes. Of course, the major screenwriter of the first film is Oliver Stone, which lends some credence to that. On the flip side of that coin, though, director and co-screenwriter John Milius self-identifies as (a highly idiosyncratic) conservative/libertarian in his personal views, Conan himself is a fiercely independent warrior who eventually becomes a king on his own steam, and the film explicitly shows Conan praying to Crom (albeit in a backhanded fashion) and that there is an afterlife when Valeria briefly comes Back from the Dead.
  • This is a possible case of Truer to the Text: in the original Conan stories by Robert Howard there are some problems with the treatment of women and non-whites yet there also surprisingly positive portrayals as well. On the subject of theism and atheism; Conan did revere gods, chief among them Crom, in Howard's stories, but considered it best not to draw their attention, coming across as spiritual and acknowledging gods but not religious (we'd probably call him a monolatrist in technical terms).
• Evil Is Cool: Thulsa Doom is essentially a Darth Vader expy, especially once he dons his armor for the final battle; and, being played by James Earl Jones himself, oozes the same intimidating charisma that made Vader so compelling. There's a reason Doom's monologue to Conan about how "flesh is stronger" than steel is considered one of the film's Signature Scenes.
• Gateway Series: Although the film is associated with bodybuilding only indirectly, as Schwarzenegger's big movie break (along with The Terminator, but that didn't show his physique off so much) it drew a lot of attention to the bodybuilding scene, and many called it the film that sparked widespread interest in it in The '80s. Ironically while Arnold of course appears huge in the film to the average viewer, he had actually slimmed down greatly from his Mr. Universe days for the film, needing to be more mobile for the many action scenes. He bulked up again◊ for the sequel.
• Genius Bonus:
  • They actually got Turko-Mongol paganism right when they had Subotai (Hyrkanian, basically the Hyborian equivalent of Mongols and Turks) proclaim that he worshiped the Everlasting Sky. In Turko-Mongol paganism, the most important god is Tengri - Lord of the Eternal Blue Sky. In fact, it's more accurate to actual pre-Islamic Turkic beliefs than the original Howard stories were, where the Hyrkanians worship Erlik, who in actual Turkic paganism, is an evil demon and the primary adversary of Tengri.
  • The scene in which Thulsa Doom shows off his power by having a follower jump off a tower to her death, is based on a legendary incident in the life of Hassan I Sabbah, founder of the Hashishm (aka the Order of Assassins), who reputedly had a servant leap to their death in order to impress a visiting ambassador.
• Germans Love David Hasselhoff: Probably for being shot there and featuring local actor and future star Jorge Sanz as kid Conan, the film was a massive success in Spain, where it entered popular culture so much that nowadays even old people who know nothing about fantasy, books or Robert E. Howard can give you a basic outline of who is Conan the Barbarian (this film's version of him, evidently). To show to what degree it stuck, a "conan" used to be Spanish prison slang for a kind of makeshift machete made out of a metal sheet, resembling the eponymous character's curved sword.
• Hilarious in Hindsight:
  • Mako Iwamatsu plays a wizard named Akiro and narrates the story of Conan, a powerful swordsman who fights a shapeshifting demigod and his cult. Years later, he will narrate a similar story, but this time, he plays the villainous shapeshifting demigod in question, Aku.
  • In the movie, it's stated that Conan will eventually become a king. Decades after this movie came out, Conan's actor would himself rise to a position of political authority as Governor of California.
  • James Earl Jones was given blue contact lenses despite being a light-skinned African-American because he was intended to look like a member of an ancient race that had vanished from the Earth. Fast forward to 2018 and genetic testing on the remains of the Cheddar Man, Britain's oldest complete skeleton, turned out exactly the same coloring combination.
• Ho Yay:
  • The scene where the priest examines Conan's chest, with the words "you have a beautiful body, you should not be afraid to show it!" just drips with homoerotic undertones.
  • The orgy scene, where the ministers of the cult are making love and eating human meat. But where are the two main lieutenants of Thulsa Doom? When the battle begins, they appear together, and half-dressed...
• Magnificent Bastard:
  • Conan is a Cimmerian, forced to become strong and intelligent to survive enslavement after his village was raided by the warlord Thulsa Doom. Upon being set free, Conan flawlessly escapes the dogs sent after him and starts a life as a sellsword, all the while hunting Doom, now a deranged cult leader. Brilliant and quick-thinking, Conan uses his sharp mind to infiltrate Doom's cult, doing battle with them even after being revived from temporary death, and even, using Princess Yasamina as bait, to set up a battlefield of traps that allows him to eliminate Doom's elite forces before slaying Doom himself and avenging his family. Later in life, Conan allies with the evil queen Taramis to try and revive his beloved Valeria, risking the world yet recognizing the signs of deception and ultimately riding off to save the world from her when he is betrayed. Only made stronger by what does not kill him and always equipped with a new plan to crush his enemies, Conan comes to embrace his destiny of becoming a king by his own hand.
  • Subotai is a warm, humorous thief and mercenary who impresses Conan with his words and bravery, causing the Cimmerian to free him and take him along his path. Subotai aids Conan in stealing the Eye of the Serpent from Doom's cult. Subotai proves a master of stealth, skillfully sneaking into Doom's lair alongside his comrades and killing scores of cultists. A brilliant planner in his own right, Subotai not only aids Conan in setting up his traps but sets his own, preparing arrows on the battlefield to help him ambush the cult's riders. Slaying many riders thanks to these traps and his cleverness, and even firing an empty bow to trick two riders into falling from their horses, Subotai rescues Princess Yasamina from Doom himself despite severe injury.
  • Valeria is a thief and mercenary who quickly talks Conan and Subotai into allying with her when they chance upon the same heist as her. Falling deeply in love with Conan, Valeria stays by his side as long as she can. When Conan is temporarily killed by Doom, Valeria wastes no time in seeking out his resurrection, loving enough to revive the fallen Conan yet ruthless enough to threaten the innocent wizard Akiro if his spell fails, gladly accepting any price for the revival of her beloved. Valeria then sneaks into the cultist lair alongside her comrades and proves formidable, even knocking Princess Yasamina unconscious amidst the chaos so the trio can complete their mission to bring her home. Though she dies due to Doom's interference, Valeria returns as a valkyrie, saving Conan from death by seconds.
• Memetic Mutation:
  • "What is best in life?" "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!" Significant in the film as the response is the first line Arnold (and Conan the character, having no lines as a boy) ever says. Far more people know the quote than have seen the film. Also, this being the '80s era of Gordon Gecko and "Greed is Good", many business sharks took it as a motto. (The original quote is attributed to the real Genghis Khan, an expy of whom asks the question.)
  • If not for The Terminator, then for many people Arnold would forever remain Conan.
  • Mako's prologue is so epic that it was later copied many times and parodied in other films.
  • Conan's screams in the gladiator pit have also become somewhat popular in Arnold parodies.
• Misaimed Fandom:
  • The "what is best in life" scene tends to get quoted for its "badassery". But people who haven't seen the film or only that clip of it will miss that at this point, Conan is just a slave gladiator who fights for others' amusement and enrichment, who has been conditioned to define his entire worth through the gladiator fights, on top of having been a slave for most of his life - akin to a trained animal. He is even used for stud like a prize animal, "bred to the finest stock" of women while his handlers watch. Though (or because) he is given an education fit for a Cultured Warrior on top of being trained by war masters, in context the scene comes off as him reciting what he's learned by rote, not him speaking from experience, or of what he has had truly had the freedom to know. Note that in the scene he's wearing a metal collar and his owner is beside him.
  • People also tend to assume the speech that Conan's father gives him at the start of the film is meant to the film's thesis. However, the actual film proves him wrong. He says that you can't trust anyone but your weapon. Afterwards, Conan's sword is stolen from him and nearly kills him. Meanwhile, Conan only survive thanks to his friends. Thulsa Doom even mentions how steel isn't important:
  Thulsa Doom: Steel isn't strong, boy, flesh is stronger! Look around you. There, on the rocks; a beautiful girl. Come to me, my child... (the girl to jump to her death) That is strength, boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart...
  • By that same token, many other people tend to assume that Thulsa Doom's thesis on the Riddle of Steel is correct. While not explicitly deconstructed in the way that Doom does to Conan's father's interpretation, the film also proves it false. The actual thesis of the movie is that true power comes not from steel or flesh, but from belief or will. Conan is only able to defeat Thulsa Doom when, after managing to defeat the Riders of Doom, he ceases to fear Doom & thus ceases to embrace Doom's power; because he no longer fears Doom, he has the will to resist Doom's hypnotic gaze. Likewise, he's only able to approach & kill Doom because the Princess's belief in Doom is shattered by his own actions & she leads the way for him. And by killing Doom in front of his followers, he shatters their belief in Doom's cause, breaking the Set Cult entirely.
• Narm:
  • Conan's screams of pain don't sound very convincing. This is most noticeable during his very first gladiator fight.
  • It's a little hard to take Doom's two Co-Dragons, Thorgrim and Rexor, all that seriously when they're rocking that gloriously anachronistic power metal '80s Hair.
  • Max von Sydow briefly sounds like Yoda when he says, "You alone have stood up to their gods, and what are you?"
  • While Thulsa using a live snake as a arrow is meant as Nightmare Fuel, it's somewhat undermined with everything in his cult being about snakes.
  • An alternate take of Doom's death is sometimes shown on TV, with Conan throwing his head down the steps being replaced with a shot of his body tumbling down them instead. Sounds equally gruesome, except that the "body" is a floppy-limbed, Three Stooges-esque dummy.
• Narm Charm: Although many of the quieter scenes are actually well done, a good portion of the movie is narm. Awesome, glorious narm that fits both the setting and the story like a glove, somehow managing to be incredibly moving when in many other movies it would be just plain ol' Narm without any of the charm.
• Nausea Fuel: The soup the cultists serves during the orgy. Not only is it filthy green, it's also filled with human body parts.
• One-Scene Wonder:
  • Max von Sydow's performance as King Osric is half pure glorious Ham and Cheese, part unusually heartfelt and is often singled out by critics.
  • The camel who gets punched out by Conan. It returns in the sequel, where it suffers the same fate.
  • Conan's father, played by William Smith, only gets one scene and one speech. It's all he needs.
• Signature Scene: Conan's father's monologue about the Riddle of Steel, and later Thulsa Doom's monologue about the Riddle, power and how he "made" Conan. Also the cannibalistic orgy scene, where Doom slowly transforms into a snake to Poledouris' nightmare score.
• Strangled by the Red String: Pay close attention to all of Conan and Valeria's scenes together after they first meet. He doesn't say one line to her! She does talk much more to him, and he kind of emotes non-verbally when needed (which, given it is Arnold we talk about, is a feat), but their relationship is still a bit awkward due to Conan's perpetual sullenness.
• Values Resonance: Although some parts might be regarded as Narm or Camp (largely due to the influence of the Lighter and Softer sequel and the Shallow Parody of Schwarzenegger that ensued), at the time it was revolutionary both in its violence and in its deliberately Nietzschean philosophical overtones about masculinity and power. Truth is that Sword and Sorcery/Sandal movies were usually the preserve of cheap schlock and rapidly became so again, but the film does stand the test of time be being something more than just schlock.

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