"You all know the story of the special boy with the lightning bolt-shaped scar and the evil that he was destined to destroy, but you don't know this story about a rad alternate timeline where he and his bud ran away to Muggle-lands instead. Because that's a lot of heavy shit to lay on a twelve-year old in retrospect. Anyway, here's what happened before I went back and fixed everything with a time-turner. One bright wizard-girl tried to fetch the boys back, only they weren't boys anymore because it took forever to find them because wizards don't know how to use computers. I'm the principle of a wizard school. Okay, I'm going to go suck some dicks now."
— Albus Dumbledore in the Opening Narration in the First Episode
Welcome Back, Potter is a three-part miniseries made by Cracked, based on the Harry Potter franchise with a little Fear and Loathing thrown in.
Set in an Alternate Timeline where Harry and Ron ran away to America when the pressure of defeating the Dark Lord became too much for The Boy Who Lived, the Ministry of Magic has fallen and the Dark Lord Voldemort has taken over, ready to take over the Muggle-World once he kills his nemesis once and for all. After many years, Hermione, now named Stacey, finds Harry. Now going by Jarry Potter, Jarry and his friend Don Weasley have taken to using their magic to con muggles and neither of them are interested in going back. What's a girl to do?
Every episode can be seen on their YouTube channel (Trailer, Episode 1, Episode 2 and Episode 3)
Welcome Back, Potter contains examples of:
- Adaptational Dumbass: While Ron wasn't exactly the most Book Smart of the trio, he was born and raised in a Wizarding Family and was the most intuitively familiar with Wizarding customs of the trio. Here, he's a Fratbro that does whatever Jarry says.
- Adaptational Jerkass:
- Harry, here named Jarry, is a jaded drug-addled con-artist who has nothing but contempt for the Wizarding World he was destined to save compared to the angsty hero from the books and films.
- While messing with his family was a big Berserk Button for Ron in canon, here Don isn't the least bit curious about what became of the rest of the Weasleys.
- Alternate Timeline: Dumbledore's Opening Narration implies that aside from the canon-series, there are countless other alternate timelines where Harry became something other than "The Boy Who Lived". This series just happens to be one of those "what if" scenarios.
- Alternate Universe Fic: While Harry had met both Ron and Hermione at relatively the same time in canon, here he and Ron ran away to America they don't meet Hermione until many years later.
- "Begone" Bribe: Jarry and Don offer Stacey their entire stash of Galleons (which is worthless to them) as a bribe to make her leave.
- Bloodlust: Voldemort has taken to drinking the Minister of Magic's blood For the Evulz.
- Brilliant, but Lazy: Despite being well-behind in his magical education, Jarry can cast spells with gestures instead of a wand, something Stacey remarks is something only an especially talented wizard can do. Instead of using it for anything constructive, he uses it to change channels on his TV and con muggles out of money.
- The Call Knows Where You Live: Unlike his canon-counterpart, Jarry Potter feels no obligation to fulfill his destiny and destroy the Dark Lord, having ran away with his best friend to America while the Death-Eaters rose to power. Hermione had to find them and make them come to Voldemort's Evil Lair so that Jarry had no choice but to fight him.
- Deconstruction: The series is basically Cracked making a show based off of the flaws in the Harry Potter setting they uncovered in the After Hours episode "Why The Harry Potter Universe is Secretly Terrifying". The Wizarding World puts all of their hopes and dreams into a Chosen One narrative, and while it scarred Harry for life (literally and psychologically) in canon, here it drove Harry to flee to America where he became disillusioned with the entire Wizarding World, Jarry rightfully pointing out how ridiculous it was for everyone to expect a 12 year-old orphan to kill "Wizard-Hitler" for them. Voldemort succeeded in taking over the Ministry of Magic because the only people who actually put up a fight against his army of Evil Sorcerers were Child Soldiers. It took the Wizarding world a lot longer to find Jarry than it should have because of how technologically primitive Wizards are and Hermione is intellectually stunted in various areas — like cooking and economics — because all Hogwarts ever teaches is magic.
- Department of Redundancy Department: Jarry calls a pair of marks in the second episode his "girlfriend-having friend and his girlfriend."
- The Dog Bites Back: Jarry had sent water moccasins to kill the Dursleys for abusing him and he still owes them money for the hit.Hermione: You owe snakes money? How?
Jarry: You can owe money to anything you can talk to. - Evil Sounds Raspy: Voldemort speaks with a breathy cadence that sounds like a snake hissing.
- Expy:
- Harry Potter in this version basically became Raoul Duke if he could talk to snakes and had a stash of gold he couldn't spend.
- According to Jarry, Ron based his new "Don" persona after the characters of Jersey Shore.
- Functional Addict: Like the Gonzo-Jounralist he's loosely based off of, Jarry Potter regularly takes drugs (both mundane and magical), yet is still able to cast magic without a wand.
- Hope Spot: Episode 3 ends with Voldemort dead and Jarry and Don going back to America while Stacey stays to help the Prime Minister rebuild. Then, three alternate "bizarro" versions of Harry, Ron and Hermione show up and proclaim that their universe is in violation of space-time laws for being "illegally derived from a preexisting universe" and they intend to shut it down. An exasperated Stacey goes to Jarry and Don to demand their aid yet again.
- How Do I Shot Web?: Not having flown on a broom in years, Jarry and Don try to distract Stacey long enough so that they could find the brooms and escape that way, only for them to not get anywhere. Jarry blames the fact that they've gained weight ("Damn American portions") for why it doesn't work.
- In Spite of a Nail: Ron (or in this case, "Don") still develops a crush on Hermione (Stacey).
- Jerkass Has a Point:
- Jarry is right that he had no actual obligation to kill Voldemort, and that putting all your hopes and dreams in a child killing The Dreaded isn't that reasonable.
- In the second episode, Jarry and Don point out that all the Wizard World really did was send a bunch of what were basically children to solve their Dark Lord problem.
- The Magic Goes Away: Somehow, Voldemort manages to steal and monopolize all of Wizarding-Britain's magic. Part of the reason why they need Jarry to save them is that he still has his magic.
- Muggles Do It Better:
- In Dumbledore's Opening Narration, he remarks that it took the rebels a lot longer than it should have to find Harry and Ron because they didn't have access to computers.
- Jarry manages to defeat Voldemort by whipping out his gun and shooting him.
- Mundane Utility:
- Jarry has learned to use his magic to telekinetically change the channels on his TV.
- Jarry and Don make a living selling magic potions and other such artifacts to con muggles, whether it means selling potions as drugs or making prank paraphernalia out of an invisibility cloak. Stacey isn't amused.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: While being an alternate version of Harry potter, Jarry Potter has more in common with Hunter S. Thompson, his look based off of his Raoul Duke persona in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
- Noodle Incident: While Harry and Ron changed their names to avoid notice from the Wizarding World, Hermione had changed her name to "Stacey Keach" without a given reason other than she "thought it sounded feminine."
- Rape Is a Special Kind of Evil: Voldemort apparently uses his House Elves as sex slaves.
- Set Right What Once Went Wrong: According to the Opening Narration, Dumbledore would undo the events of the series by using a time-turner to go back in time and fix things so that events would align more with canon.
- Shout-Out:
- The miniseries is named after the TV show Welcome Back, Kotter.
- When Stacey emphasizes not saying Voldemort's name, Jarry sarcastically asks Don to "Beetlejuice me a Bloody Mary, Candyman."
- Stealth Pun: At the bar, Jarry, Don and Stacey's drinks have whole sticks of butter in it. Get it? Butterbeer?
- Take That!:
- Stacey finds the idea asking an American Wizarding School for help to be ridiculous, Jarry and Don muttering under their breath about America's flawed education system.
- Jarry manages to stall for time by giving Stacey a cell-phone, calling Siri "maddening."
- Jarry and Don both acknowledge Don using Jersey Shore as a template for his American persona was a bad idea.Don: I deeply regret the way I sound and act, oh!
- Don describes American Football as "like Quidditch, except the rules make sense." It's even acknowledged that both are barbaric because both games' players wind up with brain-damage, though Magic-England had the courtesy to ban the game when it was brought to light.
- Villains Out Shopping: We're introduced to Voldemort playing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" on the pipe-organ.
- What If?: The whole premise of the series is "what if Harry Potter ran away instead of facing Voldemort".
- Worthless Currency: Turns out that Wizarding-Britain's currency isn't worth the gold it's made from in America, Jarry having emptied out his family's vault before running away, only to having it collecting dust in their apartment.Jarry: No one here takes 'em. Not even Disneyland and shit. Jamba Juice won't take these fuckers.
- You Don't Look Like You: It's lampshaded in the third episode that Voldemort doesn't look anything like he does in canon ("he has a nose and hair and shit"). Voldemort explains that being an Evil Sorcerer, being able to change his appearance is a trifle thing.Jarry: And you thought a pedophile with glaucoma was the way to go?
Voldemort: I LIKE THE EYES!
