Web Video / Space Ice

Space Ice is the mega-blockbuster hit Youtube channel that showed the world you can call multiple movies the Worst Movie Ever and be entirely correct, everytime.

*ahem* Space Ice is a YouTube movie reviewer that started uploading in 2021. Best known for his videos on Steven Seagal movies, Space Ice's video are something of a hybrid between a traditional Video Review Show and The Abridged Series, recapping the plot of a movie (often in a comedic, distorted fashion) while offering commentary on the subjects. The videos takes on a mock movie trailer presentation, using a gruff "action movie guy" voice, and a sweeping stock background track.

Most of his uploads can be grouped into one of three series.

• Best Movie Ever: In which Space Ice makes a humorous play-by-play commentary of an action movie (usually those staring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Nicolas Cage, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kurt Russell and Bruce Willis), often making up a new story based on the footage.
• Versus: Where he compares the feats of two action stars across their movies to determine who's the toughest/best.
• Worst Movie Ever: Dedicated to tearing apart bad movies by providing a quick summary of the movie's plot while mocking their numerous problems. Focused on Steven Seagal's notorious Direct to Video output, though the Resident Evil Film Series and the work of Uwe Boll and Neil Breen also get plenty of attention.
  • Best Worst Movie: For movies that are So Bad, It's Good.

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Space Ice's videos provide examples of:

• Accentuate the Negative: Obviously, his "Worst Movie Ever" series isn't too concerned about giving the movies covered a balanced analysis. The few times he does admit to liking something or being entertained, it's usually to set up another joke.
• Affectionate Parody: The "Best Movie Ever" videos. While he's not above making fun of the movie's goofy moments and the poor career choices of their leads, it's clear Space Ice genuinely admires the actors involved.
• All Just a Dream: Neil Breen movies are regularly framed as either a Dying Dream or a drug induced hallucination to explain why they're completely nonsensical.
• Alternate Character Interpretation: Invoked
  • He interprets Seagal character's in Out of Reach as a groomer due to his eyebrow-raisingly close relationship to a thirteen-year old girl, including sending her ton of letters despite never meeting her in person and making up a secret code to communicate with her.
  • He interprets Seagal's characters frequent habit of unnecessarily roughing up innocents or gunning down bystanders as Seagal needing to sate his bloodlust. The Keeper review offers the alternate explanation that he needs to "quiet the voices in his head".
  • Seagal's Obvious Stunt Double is often portrayed as a separate character who exists in the movie's narratives.
    • It's taken to the logical extreme in the Force of Execution video where the main conflict is Seagal's stunt double trying to usurp him as the "true Seagal".
  • He portray Seagal's and Byron Mann's character in Belly of the Beast as ex-gay lovers caught in a forbidden romance.
  • The dirty cop at the beginning of The Keeper is portrayed as having a My God, What Have I Done? moment once he sees what a monster Steven Seagal is and attempts to kill him so Seagal can't murder more innocent people.
  • Seagal's character in Urban Justice is depicted as a pedophile and registered sex offender. Likewise, the thugs harrasing him outside his appartment are reframed as concerned parents.
  • Leeroy in The Last Dragon is portrayed as a mentally challenged man and the people who lose to him do so because they don't want to beat up a disabled person.
  • In Cliffhanger, he portrays Gabe as having deliberately killed Hal's girlfriend as payback for trash talking him.
  • Blade in Blade (1998) is re-imagined as a particularly violent fire marshal. The vampires are instead a group of nightclub owners who earned his ire for their blatant fire safety violations.
• Atomic F-Bomb: His narration is prone to letting out a well-felt "MOTHERFUCKER!" whenever something surprising and inconvenient happens to the movie's protagonist.
• Ass Shove: In the Flight of Fury Worst Ever,, Space Ice can only conclude Steven Seagal's character pulled a pair of knives from his nether region (his character had just escaped from military prison and was not shown recovering weapons from a cache or somesuch) and consequently refers to them as "ass knives".
• Bait-and-Switch: Played for Laughs
  • In the End of a Gun Worst Ever, Space Ice keeps hyping up the killer reveal that the movie teases toward the identity of the drug lord Vargas. Then he ends the video on the following note:
  Space Ice: Are you ready to find out about the mysterious Mr. Vargas? Well fuck you, because the movie just ends.
  • In the Submerged Worst Ever, he introduces a character tagging along with Seagal's team with the words "At first, nobody wants him there, but he slowly gains their trust and becomes a valued member of the team." Cut to a scene of Seagal and his gang dumping the poor bastard on a remote island^note In the actual movie, the character is a mole working for the main villain.
  • Seagal's love interest in A Dangerous Man is presented as The Chessmaster who set up the whole events of the movie to make him fall in love with her... but then Space Ice reveals none of that is true; it's just something he thought would be way more interesting and logical.
  • In the The Rock Best Ever, Space Ice puffs up the "mind blowing reveal" that it takes place in the same universe as another movie, seemingly going with the popular fan theory that Sean Connery's character is an older incarnation of his James Bond, only to state the movie is confirmed to take place in the same universe as Medicine Man.
• Black Comedy: His commentary often makes use of this. One example is the I Am Here..... Now video where, after introducing Man in Wheelchair (whom Space Ice describes as an odious jerkass and all-around drain to society), he reveals the character has terminal cancer... and admits this is the first ever time he has rooted for cancer.
• Blatant Lies: Played for laughs.
  • He states it's unclear if Seagal's ex-wife's new husband in Driven to Kill is a good guy or not. The husband immediately slaps his wife, followed by Space Ice saying viewers will have to wait and see.
  • Every Worst Movie Ever video for a Steven Seagal or Neil Breen movie will have a Couch Gag about how the film is a "mega-blockbuster hit", even though it's invariably a Direct to Video movie that managed So Okay, It's Average at best.
  • In universe, he accuses one woman of obviously making things up in Against the Dark whenever she talks about how to navigate the hospital. In one scene, she'll state it could take them several hours just to find a route to the next floor and in another, she'll insist that all the hallways lead to the same place so it doesn't matter what route they take.
• Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick:
  • In the "Neil Breen vs. Steven Seagal" video, the examples he give of Neil Breen's heroic abilities include his computer hacking skills, "realistic" jumping and good ol'-fashioned genocide.
  • The second Attrition video has the villain's hostage suggest ways around his inability to go out in sunlight, which include wearing sunscreen, going out at night, or wearing someone else's skin.
• Brick Joke: The Double Down Worst Movie shows a bizarre scene of Neil Breen eating canned tuna while driving, with Space Ice's narration assuring that however how nonsensical it seems, the payoff is worth it. It's not brought up again... until the ending screen.
  Space Ice: If you enjoyed, like and subscribe. If not, it's probably because I lied about the tuna paying off.
• Captain Obvious: In the Worst Ever for Driven to Kill, when the detective agrees to hide the fact Seagal's daughter is still alive because "it might damage their case", Space Ice can't contain his snark.
  Space Ice: The victim not being dead would be devastating to that murder case.
• Catchphrase
  • "But, whatever." when moving on from a particularly stupid or inexplicable plot point.
  • "This is never brought up again" or "The movie never explains this" show up at least Once an Episode when reviewing Steven Seagal movies.
• Caustic Critic: Never misses an opportunity to mock a movie's flaws. Notably, Neil Breen found Space Ice's videos on his movies so vitriolic that he refused to sell him the DVD for Cade: The Tortured Crossing.
• Character Shilling:
  • His "Best Movie Ever" videos are guaranteed to see him talking at length about how incredibly awesome the main character is, including Blatant Lies, such as claiming the Janitor in Willy's Wonderland creates "extremely high tech body armor" when the Janitor is clearly just wrapping duct tape around his torso.
  • All of his Seagal movie videos will make a point of including a scene in the movie where a character tells Seagal's character how unbelievably cool he is. Space Ice will then point out how Seagal wrote the script himself.
• Couch Gag:
  • Starting his review with a statement among the lines of "[Movie] is the mega-blockbluster hit movie where [actor] shows the worlds that..." or "gives the fan what he wants". Whether they fail or succeed at it depend if it's a Best or Worst Movie episode.
  • Ending his reviews with "If you don't agree that [the movie] is the best/worst movie ever made, then..." and cutting to a particularly stupid or meme-worthy line of the movie reviewed.
• "Could Have Avoided This!" Plot: While reviewing Against the Dark, he points out that the long trek through the abandoned hospital to reach the emergency exit before the generators ran out of power could have been completely avoided by just waiting near the broken window the group entered through.
• Credits Gag: His "please subscribe" messages at the end of each videos include a joke, either regarding a channel running gag or the movie being reviewed.
  Collateral Damage Best Ever: IF YOU DO NOT SUBSCRIBE, THEN RYDER DIED FOR NOTHING
• Damned by Faint Praise: In the Neil Breen vs. Steven Seagal video, he lauds Breen as the best thespian in Neil Breen's own movies- the joke being that this is not very hard when none of the other actors featured in his movies are professionals, or even all that competent.
• Deadpan Snarker: When he's not directly calling out the movie's stupidity or pointing out obvious problems, Space Ice loves to employ this kind of humour.
  Vin Diesel: I've got all the time in the world
  Space Ice: This was after The Pacifier. He really means that.
• Disproportionate Retribution:
  • According to him, Stallone in Cliffhanger launched Michael Rooker's girlfriend off a mountain because Rooker called him a liar.
  • In the Predator Best Ever, Hawkins telling an awkward and unbelievable joke is grounds for the Predator to kill everyone present.
  • In the Force of Execution Worst Ever, Steven Seagal executes one of his stunt double for sitting instead of standing.
• Early-Installment Weirdness:
  • The channel's very first upload is a Family Matters fan theory (about Judy Winslow's unexplained unpersoning from the show) and is narrated with Space Ice's natural voice, which is very different from the "Action movie trailer guy" impression he puts on for his subsequent uploads.
  • The earlier videos in his current format have a more guttural voice and slower diction, and he experimented with a "5 reasons why" format before eventually settling on the mock-plot summary structure.
• Easily Forgiven: The Urban Justice Worst Ever points out that Steven Seagal insists he has no issues with the man who ordered his son's death and tried to kill him twice.
• Failed a Spot Check: As he mocks, in Against the Dark, everyone is standing in an elevator looking out, yet they still somehow don't see the zombie running up to grab one of the women until he drags her away.
• Felony Misdemeanor: A random man saying he's "gotta take a squirt" in A Dangerous Man is considered perfect justification for him to be killed.
• Forgotten Fallen Friend:
  • If Seagal's partner dies in a movie, Space Ice plays it as Seagal completely forgetting they even existed until the villain reminds him.
  • In Urban Justice, Steven Seagal ends the movie insisting he has "no beef" with the gang leader who ordered his son's murder and shot him.
• Fun with Subtitles: In the second video for Attrition, every subtitle is replaced with lines insulting either Steven Seagal or the plot of the movie, such as the villain's hostage responding to his claims he can't go out in sunlight suggesting he just go out at night or wear sunscreen.
• Immediate Self-Contradiction: The Double Down Worst Ever has Neil Breen's character describing himself as a simple man. Then it immediately cuts to him explaining that he is a Cyborg enhanced by the United States to carry out his missions and equipped with a force field he can selectively activate to kill anyone who opposes him.
  Space Ice: You know, regular every day shit.
• Insistent Terminology: Space Ice almost never refers to characters in movies by anything but their actors' names.
• Instantly Proven Wrong: In his first Attrition Worst Ever, Space Ice initially thinks Seagal's proposed recompense for the man trying to kill him sounds reasonable, only for Seagal to keep going and make his demand completely ridiculous.
  Seagal: Take the biggest burlap sack you can find and fill it full of down feathers.
  Space Ice: Okay that sounds reasonable.
  Seagal: Then take it to the top of the highest hill you can find, and throw all the feathers everywhere in the wind
  Space Ice: What the f*ck?
  Seagal: Come back a week later, find every feather.
  Space Ice: You know what?
  Seagal: Put it back in the bag and bring me the bag.
  Space Ice: F*ck you, man.
• Long List:
  • In the first Attrition Worst Ever, Space Ice sarcastically praises the bold creative choice of making Seagal's character a former Spec Ops before listing the 17 other movies where Seagal plays such a character.
  • He starts his Maximum Conviction Worst Ever by saying the movie proves the only things Seagal lacked to hack it as a lasting Hollywood star was talent. And work ethic. And intelligence. And ability. And self-awareness. And attractiveness. And basic human decency. And everything.
• Lost in Character:
  • In the Force of Execution Worst Ever, Marsellus Wallance is hired to be Seagal's stunt double and does such a good job at it that he instigates a rebellion to assert himself as the true Steven Seagal.
  • In Maximum Conviction, the government agent sent to recover the implant realizes he must think like Seagal (ie: randomly kill innocent people) to catch a Seagal. However after the main conflict is resolved, he finds that being Steven Seagal is not something one just can switch off.
• The Millstone: During his review of Cliffhanger, he frequently brings up how Jessie just continues to make everything worse for Stallone and insists on referring to her as "No Bullets Bitch" after a line used by one of the henchman.
• No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: According to him, the Final Battle of Willy's Wonderland consists of Nicholas Cage beating Willy for three hours.
• Noble Bigot: If Space Ice is to be believed, Nicholas Cage in Willy's Wonderland is an outright hero, but he also beats Artie Alligator to death specifically because he's French.
• "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: If something especially stupid happens, Space Ice will pause to clarify that he's completely serious.
  • In the Submerged Worst Ever, Space Ice explains that Steven Seagal thinks up a plan to swap place with the U.S ambasaddor in Uruguay (who looks nothing like him) because they "look so much alike" and clarifies that this isn't him snarking, but something that actually happens in the movie.
  • In the Today You Die Worst Ever, he's not making it up when Seagal calls some never mentioned before character to threaten him, then shows up at his home and beats up Randy Couture.
• The One Thing I Don't Hate About You:
  • Before tearing into Uwe Boll's In the Name of the King, he does admit to liking one thing about the movie: Jason Statham's performance.
  • While he utterly destroys Steven Seagal's Against the Dark, he does think that Taggart is a total badass and the movie should be about him.
• Padding: invoked His review of Steven Seagal's movies often handwaves scenes and subplots as seemingly only existing to get the movie to the magical 90-minutes mark.
• Pathetically Weak: He portrays Ja Rule's character in Half Past Dead as this, being easily brutalized by small children.
  Ja Rule (visibly bloodied and having just been on the receiving of a one-sided beatdown): Kids hit harder than that.
  Space Ice: Hell yeah! Kids beat his ass worse than that, like all the time.
• Perspective Flip: His second video has him describing a (fictitious) Russian recut of Rocky IV where Ivan Drago is the protagonist.
• Pineapple Ruins Pizza: The title Mercenary For Justice review says it's so bad, it puts pineapple on pizza.
• Police Are Useless: In A Dangerous Man, the corrupt police get a description of Seagal that is "Big guy, maybe Indian" and promptly go to question the Russian mafia.
• A Rare Sentence: In the Belly of the Beast Worst Ever:
  And this guy dies in the most predictable and boring way possible: by running away and slipping on a tomato that causes him to slide on a table full of frozen fish headfirst into a cleaver.
• Rooting for the Empire Invoked: While this is averted in the Steven Seagal reviews due to the villains being as boring and thinly-written as Seagal himself, he did find himself cheering for the bad guys a few times:
  • He finds the crime syndicate in I Am Here..... Now the "most likable people in the entire movie and it's not even close"... until they make the mistake of letting Steven Seagal in their club.
  • He really like Dana the human trafficker in Pass Thru due to her crazy, violent actions and the actress leaving bite marks all over the scenery. In his read of the plot, she gets restored to life after Neil Breen erases her from existence because "she's too important".
  • He absolutely loves Sho'nuff from The Last Dragon, hypes him as the most amazing character in the film, and admits to completely losing interest in the movie as soon as he's defeated.
  • In his review of Demolition Man, he goes back and forth on who he's rooting for, because he thinks both Stallone and Snipes are awesome but hates when they do things like knit or wear overalls.
  • The title for his Worst Ever on On Deadly Ground says it's so bad, it'll make viewers root for the oil spill.
• Running Gag:
  • If the movie reviewed involves Jean Claude Van Damme (and sometimes, even if it doesn't), expect him to include a clip of the famous dancing scene from Kickboxer.
  • Describing the love interest in Steven Seagal movies as a "woman half his age".
  • Almost any Steven Seagal movie review will bring up the completely unnecessary inclusion of a strip club scene.
  • Expect him to bring up Steven Seagal writing his own movies any time either something incredibly dumb happens or a character talks about how amazing Seagal's character is.
  • Starting with the Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift Best Ever, he's made a running joke of driving accidents and vehicular breakdowns being caused by spittin' sparkplugs.
  • The Shadow Man review has one where he plays a clip of Steven Seagal saying "That's syphilis." whenever the movie does something stupid. By the end, Space Ice agrees that, yes, the whole thing was syphilis.
  • The Urban Justice review makes a long joke about the license plate of Steven Seagal's car repeatedly changing or disappearing entirely.
  • His review for The Specialist has Space Ice repeatedly mock the characters for trying to insist that explosives are somehow more precise than just shooting someone.
  • In his video for The Fifth Element, Space Ice makes a point of saying Leeloo's full name ^note Leeloominaï Lekatariba Lamina-Tchaï Ekbat De Sebat every moment he gets after she first says it.
  • In his Best Ever video for The Fast and the Furious (2001), Space Ice pretends that every time someone says Race Wars, they're talking about an actual war between races, not about street racing.
  • During his video for Half Past Dead, he keeps a tally for every time the movie does something even dumber than "Ja Rule ditching the The Fast and the Furious for this movie."
  • His Best Ever video for Fast Five sees everyone be extremely confused how the protagonists got a Ford GT 40 up extremely narrow streets and alleys then into their house. The DSS investigation into them is changed into Dwayne Johnson and his team trying to figure out how they got the car into their house.
• Rule of Three: In the second Attack Force video:
  Space Ice: But if Seagal's one thing, it's a liar.
  But if he's two things, it's a liar and a narcissist.
  But if he's three things, it's a liar, a narcissist, and an embarassment.
• Sidetracked by the Gold Saucer: Invoked. Seagal's character in Belly of the Beast goes to Thailand to save his daughter. But he completely forgets about her about halfway through the movie and just kills random criminals until a woman strips to the waist and reveals the location his daughter's being held at via a hidden message written on her breasts.
• Skewed Priorities:
  • In his take on Collateral Damage's plot, Arnold Schwarzenegger is so distraught by the destruction of a toy spaceship (rather than say, the bomb blast killing dozens of people) that he holds a funeral for it, develops alcoholism, divorces and travels clandestinely to Columbia to avenge it against the Big Bad.
  • His version of Cliffhanger sees Stallone working so hard to find all the luggage because he really wants to see the "slick suits and socks" the villain claimed the suitcases held rather than to find all the stolen money.
  • His rendition of Urban Justice sees Steven Seagal more interested in calling a man "a snitch" then listening to the information he's offering regarding Seagal's son's murder.
  • In Space Ice's The 6th Day, Arnold Schwarzenegger gives up a golden opportunity to escape an abusive household and gets in a lot of trouble with the police simply because he wants to eat the birthday cake he saw his Identical Stranger hold.
• Spoof Aesop:
  • The important lesson in Space Ice's version of Collateral Damage is that revenge is awesome and totally worth it.
  • At the end of his The Fast and the Furious (2001) Best Ever, he explains that if you run away from your problems, all of your dreams will come true.
  • The description of his review for Predator goes as follow:
  Space Ice: Arnold Schwarzenegger movies have taught us all invaluable lessons, and the movie Predator is no exception. When the day comes where we make contact with other life forms, if we do anything other than immediately destroy them and everything they hold dear then we are failing our children and there will be no future.
• Suckiness Is Painful: In the Shadow Man review, he theorizes the cancer-inducing weapon the villains are after is made from Steven Seagal's own movies.
• Suspiciously Specific Denial: In the Maximum Risk episode, his narration is quick to explain that the first Jean-Claude Van Damme mysteriously died for reasons that have nothing to do with his death-defying stunts in the opening act of the movie.
• Take That!:
  • As can be inferred from the rest of this page, Space Ice is no fan of Steven Seagal and often works in cracks toward him or his movies in his other videos.
  • In the Far Cry review, he describes the movie's comic relief character as "just like Kevin James except not funny... so just like Kevin James."
  • In the Black Dawn review, he introduces Chris Simms as "former NFL quarterback and all-around disappointment."
  • A Good Man is described as so lame it listens to Nickelback.
  • He's prone to taking potshots at Rob Schneider, usually of the "This is so lame even Rob Schneider would have no part in this" variety.
• Take Your Time: In Against the Dark, the group is apparently racing to reach the emergency doors in the basement before the generators fail and they're locked in, but they still walk everywhere very slowly and sit down in the cafeteria to have a meal and talk about how little time they have.
• Too Dumb to Live: Basically everyone in Against the Dark is accused of being dumber than the zombies. One woman sees a Creepy Child and walks right up to him before turning back to assure the other he's not infected, just before he bites her. The sick little girl they're trying to help gets separated from everyone in the abandoned hospital, sees multiple fresh corpses, and lays down to sleep, which even a nearby zombie seems confused by. Everyone declares one of the professional zombie killers "gone" the moment a single zombie grabs her and only one person even considers rescuing her. And one man decided to get high while trying to hide from the zombies, resulting in him getting eaten while tripping.
• Vague Age: Leeroy's younger brother in The Last Dragon is described as looking both 10 and 45 with Sho'Nuff attacking him being "a chance to beat up both children and the elderly at the same time".
• Yank the Dog's Chain: In Space Ice's version of Miami Connection, the doctor at the end tells Jim's father/Thomas Sowell that Jim's wound was less severe than it looked... and that he died horrifically from an infection, as a result of his "friends" dragging his wounded body through dirty swamp water.
• Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: In his take on Predator, every character is deadly afraid of the skunk.
• You Are Fat: He is fond of making fun of Steven Seagal's girth.
  Seagal flies to Afghanistan and, due to the extra weight, has to be refueled the entire flight.

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