The Reason You Suck Speech / Rick and Morty

Rick and Morty has tons of this with all manner of characters giving ones to each other. Considering how dysfunctional the entire main cast is, they give and get these a lot.^note Since these speeches are often pretty long and it would take up a lot of room to write them all here, see the episode recap pages and/or Quotes page to read the speeches word-for-word.

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Season 1

• In "Rick Potion #9", Morty has Rick cook up a love potion so that he can woo the girl he has a crush on. Unfortunately, because the girl has the flu, she ends up transmitting the effects of the potion to the school and within a few hours the world (save for Morty's family due to the effects not affecting people with his DNA) wants to have sex with Morty. When Morty asks Rick about why he did this, Rick tears Morty a new one.

  Morty: How could you be so irresponsible, Rick!?
  Rick: Me, irresponsible!? All I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Morty! You're the one who wanted me to buckle down and make a roofie juice serum, so you could roofie the poor girl at your school! You kidding me, Morty? You're going to try and take the high road on this one? You're a creep, Morty. You're just a little creepy creep person.

  • Although Morty immediately fires back

    Morty: All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something, you know what? You got to accept your part of the blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of cronenbergs!

Season 2

• In "Auto Erotic Assimilation", Blim Blam, an alien trapped under Rick's bunker gave one to Beth and Jerry after having had enough of their constant arguing about Rick.

  Blim Blam: Um, first of all, hello, um, my name is Blim Blam the Chloreblock. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS", as you put it, and Rick did chain me up so he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick’s motivations to cure me were not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? AND do you know WHY I’m never coming back to this planet? Because the TWO OF YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST! You both hate yourselves and each other, AND THE IDEA THAT IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH RICK IS LAUGHABLE. I’d laugh, but biologically incapable—THAT’S HOW ALIEN I AM. And even I’m sitting here listening to the TWO of you and being like “WHAT THE FUCK.” So, good luck with your shitty marriage and tell Rick I’m sorry that he has to deal with either of you. BLIM BLAM, OUT! <drops translator>

Season 3

• In "Pickle Rick", near the end of the episode, Rick's attempt at belittling Dr. Wong's profession as a therapist is met with a very much needed one of these, uttered without one drop of anger or with a single decibel too high. While he tries to ignore it, it's clear by his eyes that he knows she hit the mark.

  Dr. Wong: Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here. You chose to talk—to belittle my vocation. Just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe, and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces. Your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is, it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is some people are okay going to work, and some people... Well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.

• In "The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy", Rick takes an opportunity to call out Jerry for using self-pity to manipulate people into giving him what he wants.

  Jerry: You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family!
  Rick: I took your family? Who do you think had more taken from them when you shot 20 cc's of liquid dream killer into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry. She had options! That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims, it's how you survive! I survive because I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think, "Oh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break, I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul, I guess I'll hire him or marry him."

  • Also in "The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy", Morty gives Beth a harsh but needed speech on how she is harming her family by trying to please Rick.

  Morty: I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father like goddamned daughter! You wanna be like Rick!? Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! {...} Kissing Rick's ass isn't going to keep him around, Mom. But it will help you lose everyone else!

Season 4

• "The Old Man and the Seat" involves Rick feuding with an alien named Tony who keeps using a toilet Rick intended to be used strictly by himself. Yet despite their disagreements, Tony genuinely wants to befriend Rick throughout the episode, citing their common desire to be alone as a result of the trauma they've suffered throughout their lives. Eventually, Rick lays a special trap for Tony and tries to get him to set it off, only to find out that Tony died as a result of his newfound desire to live life to the fullest thanks to Rick. The end of the episode sees Rick activating the trap - which consists of a thousand holographic Ricks berating Tony while he sits on the toilet — himself. Given what he's done, however, their insults towards Tony end up turning against Rick himself.

  Holo Rick: There he is! There's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now. Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you and how you ruined it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit. Look at you sitting there, King Shit on his throne of loneliness. Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail His Majesty, the saddest piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years!

Season 5

• After spending the entirety of "Mortyplicity" of seeing Beths and Ricks at odds over the creation of the decoys, the Muppet-disguised Rick gives one final dismissive quip which causes Beth to deliver a cutting retort that finally makes a Rick apologize:

  Muppet Decoy Beth: Oh fuck you. You know, you don't get to be annoyed with this. You treat life and family as so burdensome, and yet you created a whole ocean of us because you're terrified of losing either.

• Morty gives one to Beth in "A Rickconvenient Mort" after the latter kicks out Planetina, a girl he had formed a genuine relationship with, due to Beth's dissapproval of said girl being an Ambiguously Human Captain Planet-expy.

  Morty: My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere. Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore. Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been ALL over the universe, met hundreds of people, and Planetina's the ONLY ONE I've ever met that makes me feel I BELONG, and YOU just KICKED her out of our house!
  Beth: Morty, please-
  Morty: I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!

Season 6

• "Solaricks" consists of two of these, both by (different versions of) Jerry:
  • Hermit Jerry is understandably very bitter towards Morty for not only abandoning his original family, but returning only to prove a point to Summer and then leaving them again, frozen in ice, during "The Rickshank Redemption", which led to Beth and Summer dying. After ranting to his son about it, he leaves Morty in tears.

    Hermit Jerry: Don't take it personal, Morty. It's one of the four agreements. I don't know the other three, but I know Commissioner Gordon was cool with Batman moving on.
    Morty: Batman doesn't abandon people!
    Hermit Jerry: You abandoned us.
    Morty: I deserve that, but you know it... it improved you!
    Hermit Jerry: Ooooooh... am I cool enough for you now? (scoffs) It was easy... It only cost me fucking everything.
    Morty: Woah! Hey! I-I-I—!
    Hermit Jerry: You came back and talked about us like we weren't people, Morty! And you bailed! And left us to freeze!
    Morty: I-I was apologizing for that earlier!
    Hermit Jerry: Your mom and sister died, Morty! (sighs) And I moved on... from caring... and that is the best deal you'll ever get. So take it!

  • The Jerry we know, who has been the "main Jerry" since the end of "Mortynight Run", is returned to his original reality (where "Season 2 Jerry" has been living) where the family, including his own alternate, has not undergone the Character Development of the main cast and is still unhappy, dysfunctional, and argumentative. Once his family comes to rescue him and take him back with them, he takes a moment to duck inside and give this to his original family, telling them that even if he's originally from their dimension, he's traveled between universes, and they can "kiss my sci-fi ass", complete with Flipping the Bird with both hands.
• "Ricktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation": When Rick tries to leave after making the driller once Morty makes clear he doesn't want Rick coming with him to get the Lightsaber, Morty gets pissed at the idea Rick is acting like Morty betrayed him and not the other way around. Rick, thoroughly done with listening to Morty and wanting to just go back to hunting down Rick Prime, delivers a quick but succinct tear down of Morty, both for the events of the last episode, and his general treatment of Rick overall the last few seasons, with Morty treating him like shit despite Rick bothering to open up to him. Morty himself can only wince and look upset while he's listening up until Curtis reassures him he won't kill his family.
  Rick: You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid Knights of the Sun thing? I said don't take the fucking sword and you were like "whatever" like I'm our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something. You called me boring. I've become dog shit to you. That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you, they touch your shit, they screw things up, they kill your fucking family. Go ahead. Trust [Curtis]. You're going to learn the same fucking thing.

Season 7

• In "That's Amorte", Morty gets a short but important one from Rick after the events of that episode going so out of control.
  Morty: "None of this would have happened if you had been honest about the spaghetti."
  Rick: "Morty, I lied to protect you, you told the truth to hurt me. I can't travel the galaxy with you if every time we come to a fucked up system, you leap into its wires and electrocute yourself!"
• In "Unmortricken", after Rick Prime is captured and tied up by Evil Morty and Rick Sanchez proceeds to beat him to death for killing his wife and daughter, Rick Prime proceeds to give Rick one last speech about how he created him and ultimately the truth is the two of them are not so different and if circumstances were different Rick could've easily become like him.
  Rick Prime: Listen, Rick to Rick. [Evil Morty]'s got the weapon plans. Buddy! Nip this in the bud! He's 14! What's gonna happen the next time he gets mad at Grandpa? [C-137 punches him and he laughs] Let's do this, then! [C-137 starts beating him] You're welcome, by the way! I made you! I showed you infinity! And what did you do with it?! Hang out with my grandson?! Raise echoes of my daughter?! What's your life without me?!
  Rick C-137: Let's find out. [Keeps beating Prime until his face is mangled beyond recognition]
  Rick Prime: [choked laughter] Admit it! You would have been me! I just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! But eventually, you did! YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE! [laughs, gurgling on his own blood, before falling silent as the beating continues]

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