Episode 1: Pilot
Episode 3: Anatomy Park
Episode 4: M. Night Shaym-Aliens!
Jerry: You know what, Rick?! Those guys took you for a ride, too! You should try having a bit of respect for the dummies of the universe, now that you're one of us.
Rick: Huh, maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.
(The alien ship they escaped from explodes.)
Jerry: What the hell! Wh-what happened back there?
Rick: Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, [belch] you can't. They blew up.
Episode 5: Meeseeks and Destroy
Jerry: You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox!''
Episode 8: Rixty Minutes
Summer: Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident!
Morty: [points outside] THAT, out there? That's my grave.
Summer: [confused] Wait, what?
Morty: On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse!
Summer: So... you're not my brother?
Morty: I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says, "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. [beat] ...Come watch TV?''
Episode 3: Auto Erotic Assimilation
Summer: You're excited about that?
Rick: The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. Nine out of ten times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!
Summer and Morty: Whoa!
Rick: One out of ten times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.
Rick: This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks.
Summer: That's horrible!
Rick: I hear you, man. Cops are racist.
Rick: You got that right. But, baby, listen y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know?
Unity: I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. [Bombs the town]
Rick: Whoa! Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant!
Unity: [laughing] It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look.
Unity as the citizens who fled the town: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.
Rick: [laughs] Oh, that was awesome. [chuckles] My — my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? Hey, M-my drink is empty.
Rick: Pbht. Screw those guys. Ugh. I'll be right back. Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any of the aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right?
Unity as everyone in the room: Never.
Rick: Never. Back in a flash.
Yours, and nobody else's,
Unity.
P.S., I don't know where those coal miners were before they were assimilated. You might want to get checked.
Episode 6: The Ricks Must Be Crazy
Rick: "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Morty, you can't just add a [burp] sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Huh, looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.
Zeep: (Mock thoughtfully) Rick the alien... Rick the alien...
Rick: Really? You're gonna pull that move? I guided your entire civilization! Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving! They teach kids about me in school!
Zeep: I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.
Morty: Oooooooh snap!
Morty: [Laughs] Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, old-lady science, you know? She's a real— You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she— she'll— She bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what—
Miniverse scientist: [gets on ship and crashes it into the mountain, dying in the process]
Morty: Oh, my God, no!
Morty: (To Rick) Don't do it.
Rick: (Taking off his coat) You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
(Fight scene, Rick beats Zeep near to death.)
Rick: [Spits on Zeep] Class dismissed.
Episode 7: Big Trouble in Little Sanchez
Tiny Rick: Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick!
Summer: Morty, you have to help me!
Morty: Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?!
Summer: No!
Morty: Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. [leaves, then comes back] And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! [leaves, then comes back again] Get your shit together. [leaves]
Episode 10: The Wedding Squanchers
Rick: Everything.
Past Rick: Sounds lonely.
Rick Prime: Lonely? Dude, you have yourself — your infinite selves. It's a nonstop party where all the guests are the only person we like. You think it's cool being the smartest man on Earth, but once we give you this technology, you become the smartest thing in every conceivable universe — the Infinite Rick, a god.
Past Rick: Eh, pass.
Rick Prime: Excuse me? Bro, Ricks don't pass on this. Who do you think you are?
Past Rick: A different kind of Rick, I guess.
Riq IV: Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.
Morty: Oh yeah, if you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!
Morty: OK, take it easy Rick, th-th-that's dark.
Rick: Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures! First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty. He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away.
Morty: Oh fuck.
Rick: I've repla(belches)aaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family, and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it, and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-and I'll-I'll-I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty! Be-because that's-that's what this is all about, Morty! Th-th-that's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty, that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce! I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty! If it takes nine seasons, I want my McNugget dipping sauce szechuan sauce, Morty! That's what's gon-what's gonna take us all the-
Morty: What are you talking about?
Rick: -end, Morty! Season-nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping szechuan sauce! For 97 more years, Morty! I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!
Episode 3: Pickle Rick
Episode 5: The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy
Rick: I took your family!? Who do you think had more taken from them when you shot 20 CC's of liquid dream killer into my daughter?! She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options!
Alien Snake: Oof.
Rick: That all ended because she felt sorry for you! (Snatches an alien fly from the air and crushes it) You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! It's how you survive! I survive because I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think "Oh, this poor piece of shit! He never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him, or marry him!"
Morty: Don't you "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father like goddamned daughter! You wanna be like Rick!? Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! {...} Kissing Rick's ass isn't going to keep him around, Mom. But it will help you lose everyone else!
Episode 7: The Ricklantis Mix-up
Candidate Morty: I don't see a divide between Ricks and Mortys.
Retired General Rick: Ooh, shocker. [Fart]
Reverse Rick Outrage: I'd like to offer a rebuttal: [Fart].
Rick Guilt Rick: Gentlemen, gentlemen. I think we can all agree on one thing: [Two Farts]. Well, it came out as two things, but you get the idea.
Candidate Morty: You guys finished? The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys that we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so that we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary, even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks. The Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message, from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in the Citadel, to the Ricks and Mortys that don't. You're outnumbered!
Cop Rick: What happened in there?
Cop Morty: Same old story: Mortys killing Mortys.
(Later, after Cop Rick has killed Cop Morty, and other Cop Ricks are arriving on the scene.)
Cop Rick #2: The hell happened in there?
Cop Rick: [Surrendering] Same old story: Ricks killing Mortys.
Lizard Morty: I guess I wish that I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. [Tosses his necklace]
Glasses Morty: I wish that incest porn had a more mainstream appeal. F-for a friend of mine. [Tosses a harmonica]
Slick Morty: None of those things are going to happen, you know. Morty wishes never come true. Not on the Citadel.
Lizard Morty: Then, why did you bring us here?
Slick Morty: Because I wish that would change! I wish that anything about this life would change!
Glasses Morty: Well, I hope you're putting something pretty goddamn important in there.
Slick Morty: Me too. But I doubt it.
[Slick Morty throws himself into the Wishing Portal]
Episode 9: The ABC's of Beth
Jerry: I think that has been established, now help me!
Summer: First, I want you to admit that you're a closeted racist, a beta male sexist, and that you dragged everyone into a horrible situation by only thinking of yourself.
Jerry: Ok.
Summer: I want to hear you say it.
Jerry: *sigh* Look, I'm a closeted racist and I'm sexist and selfish and I dragged us all into my racist sexist bad things because I'm stupid.
Summer: Thank you.
Jerry: Now you're gonna help me?
Morty: She just did.
Summer: Yeah, clean up your own mess.
* Summer and Morty leave the car*
Rick: ...that I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.
Beth: Am I evil?
Rick: Worse. You're smart. [Pause] When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy.
Beth: Tommy.
Rick: Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. [Pause] You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And, eventually, it will. There's no other way off.
Episode 10: The Rickchurian Mortydate
Morty: "Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr.President."
Rick: "I mean, what doesn't look bad through an illegal spy satellite?"
POTUS: "Don't high-road me. The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day.
Morty: "Wow, really?"
Rick: "That's pretty cool."
POTUS: "And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then. America returns that favor by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws."
Rick and Morty: (mockingly) "Oh! Oh!"
Rick: "Oh, God. We-We didn't know you saw it that way."
POTUS: "Well, it's nobody's fault. We never had "the talk," so to speak."
Rick: "Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, when we show up, that's the favor. To you."
Morty: "Especially, you know, when it turns out you wanted someone to come over just because you found an "X-Files" monster in your basement."
Rick: "As for the reason you've never, like," (Laughs) "arrested us, we assumed you just knew that it was impossible, like, if you tried. You know, it wouldn't go well."
POTUS: (Pause), (replying with gritted teeth) "Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate?"
Rick: "I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. Just trust me. None of us want to go there.
Morty "Which we'll never have to. By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth. You know, we're We're happy to do that.
Rick: "Yeah, but not because it contains America. Because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half."
Beth: Dad, if you're my dad. Of course, you're not my dad. You're here with a gun because I am a clone. I guess I have all your daughter's memories. So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. But I don't relate to her. She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. So if you kill me, fine. You're not killing her. But you're killing a real family. And instead of doing that, will you just go away? Aren't there, like, infinite time lines? Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone and where a different but identical version of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch of a daughter can keep making you proud by being somewhere else?
Rick: Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. (drops the assault rifle in defeat) I brought this here to kill Jerry.
Beth: Oh, my God! (sighs in relief, as Morty and Summer come and hug her)
Jerry: Jesus Christ!
Rick: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win! No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots from digging into everything and everyone around you and draining them of any ability to fend you off.
Jerry: Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. I appreciate it.
Rick: Morty, where's my portal gun? Let's get out of here.
Morty: I'm staying here, Rick.
Rick: Are you...?! Ugh! Nobody gets it. Nothing you think matters matters. This isn't special. This-this is happening infinite times across infinite realities.
Summer: Including this? (farts)
Rick: Yes! ...Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny.
Morty: Are you going to stay?
Rick: There's infinite time lines, Morty. Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House, became an enemy of America and the lowest-status character in my idiot family?
Summer: Because of the fart?
Episode 1: Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat
Rick: Oh boy, so you actually learned something today? What is this, Full House? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead and live in the moment.
Episode 2:The Old Man and the Seat
Episode 3: One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty
Episode 5: Rattlestar Ricklactica
Rick: People who are really dying don't keep bringing it up.
Morty: Is that true?
Rick: I don't know. I'm just usually around people that die faster. All right. All right. J-Just let me analyze the snake's planet, so I can whip up an antivenom. Computer, you might want to put a rush on this. Morty's starting to look like a '90s Japanese ghost.
Episode 6: Never Ricking Morty
Rick: It's not a real train, it's a story device. Literally. A literal literary device. Quite literally metaphorically containing us.
Morty: A simulation.
Rick: Worse. An anthology.
Episode 2: Mortiplicity
Episode 7: Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion
Episode 9: Forgetting Sarick Mortshall
Episode 10: Rickmurai Jack
Morty: Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you?
[Rick, closing his eyes in shame, gives no answer]
Evil Morty: There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on this side of the Curve.
Episode 1: Solaricks
Alternate Morty: [roaming around the ruins of the Citadel] Oh man, I'm so scared in here...
Rick: The extra Mortys went feral... Some problems solved themselves. Been drinking a lot... [sees Morty twirling his portal gun in his hand] Morty, I told you to write this down, I don't have a helmet like that Avengers guy did!... Been drinking a lot of my piss. Portal gun's still broken...
Morty: Guess that was all part of Evil Morty's plan...
Rick: "Evil Morty"... Can we stop flattering this guy?! His plan was to monologue and fuck off. He basically threw a tantrum to announce he was quitting Twitter.
Morty: Nobody quits Twitter...
Episode 10: Ricktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation
Rick: I wish, Morty. It's all the places he is.
Morty: Aw geez...
Rick: Welcome to my darkness! I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty! This is the closest I've ever been to catching this Rick Prime!! It's IMPOSSIBLE, he... He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit! Hunting him destroyed me, Morty! But now we're gonna do it together! You and me!!! It's gonna take over your life, Morty!! Rick and Morty Season 7, hunting my nemesis!! Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it, juggling plates!! Not every episode, Morty, it could be all happening in the background, who knows?! Y'know, n-no one will, except us!! I-It's the most PAINFUL shit I've ever had to deal with, and I'm fucking bringing you into it, because you asked for it, Morty!!! YOU AND ME, MORTY!!!
[Rick C-137 starts brutally beating him]
Rick Prime: You're welcome by the way! I made you. I showed you infinity!
[C-137 screams in anger, continues beating him]
Rick Prime: [coughs] And what did you do with it?! Hang out with my grandson? Raise echoes of my daughter?!
[C-137 screams again, continuing the beating]
Rick Prime: [laughs] What's your life without me?!
Rick C-137: Let's find out.
[the beating continues, until Prime's face is mangled almost beyond recognition]
Rick Prime: [choked laughter] Admit it! You would've been me! I just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! But eventually you did! YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE!
[Prime laughs, gurgling on his own blood, before falling silent as C-137 continues to beat him]
Episode 10: Fear No Mort
The Hole Guy: Is there a hole here?
Morty: Right, I'm-I'm supposed to go in there and be shocked that there's no hole or that there is a hole? What difference would it make?
The Hole Guy: Hm... You are hard to scare.
Morty: And Rick isn't, right? Th-the hole's gonna like, suck on him forever because his big secret is that he's got the most fear?
The Hole Guy: Well, we can certainly say you're not afraid to be reductive. I doubt your grandpa has more fear than the average asshole in the Denny's...
Denny's customer: Hey!
The Hole Guy: Sorry. If anything, he seems pretty brave. Surely not afraid to die. Maybe that makes his fear extra... Delicious.
Morty: So what? He's scared of love?
The Hole Guy: Everyone's scared of love, dipshit. You learn that in your 20's. It takes a very brave, very powerful being to be terrified of happiness.
Morty: Dumb.
The Hole Guy: You're dumb. That's why you're not scared to be happy. The smarter you are, the more you know. Happiness is a trap, it can't last forever. Let's say you meet the love of your life. Well, it's still gonna end. It's inevitable, whether by the slow pull of a disease or a shock of loose footing in a hiking trail. Would it be the corrosion of two personalities that reshape each other until they're incompatible, or maybe the old stranger in a bar who says the things that need to be said to that person that night. The point is: happiness always ends. Best case scenario, think about this, best case, is that you die at the same time. Yikes.
Morty: Can't the Hole just let me go then? Sounds like I don't matter.
The Hole Guy: You don't. But if you go, you'll take him away. Don't worry, Rick will die before accepting happiness. After that, we'll chase you with some clowns or dumb shit like that. But grandpa! Yummy-yummy grandpa's gonna die... Just... Like... Diane.