Whoa, hello there. How amazing it is to get a chance to do this? Where is this, by the way? I'm just kidding, I know where I am.
(Pulls the trope to his side.) (whispers) No, seriously, where I am? I don't remember how I got here and I don't recognize any butt in here.
(in normal tone) Oh, well! Must have signed a contract or something. Honestly, I don't remember half of the things I signed on to!
(beat)
Oh, right! My queue! I'm always open to any questions from my fans. You may recognize me as Mr. Peanutbutter from Mr. Peanutbutter's House. But my life started way before that: I was born Mister note Peanutbutter to a litter of puppies in the peaceful Labrador Peninsula, Eastern Canada. Those were some good times in the countryside, although it's quite strange my family often zeroed on being happy above all. My parents, Nana, everybody was quite happy about everything, even when my nana was on his last days and quietly drifted into senile dementia while tenderly reassuring all she needed was a blanket. Ah, my brother Captain and I often looked out for each other and even today, we're good friends.
Eventually, I left to try my own fortune in The '90s. The day I arrived in L.A. with my first wife Katrina, I got the role in my show, Untitled Horsin' Around Ripoff. I wonder why. Still, it goes to show you don't need experience, knowledge or anything to get what you want, just a good attitude and disposition to do anything. Chase you dreams without any practice! There was another guy on set, I don't know what became of him, though I wish him luck. Things have been pretty smooth for me since...I mean, it's not like 2note divorces have done anything to stop me. I've tried...REALLY TRIED...with every single one of them: Katrina just wasn't the same after the 1993 Halloween party and Jessica Biel preferred a more glamorous, reliable and ambitious personnote . I live in a pretty good house (well, I'm in a new one right now...) and I live pretty well off royalties, although the money has disappeared occasionally for some reason. How am I supposed to make new investments without money?
Oh, you're transcribing this? Cool! I just assumed it appeared automatically. So, shall we continue?
Who's that dog? Mr. Peanutbutter! And these are the tropes I represent...
- The Ace: It just so happens I'm good at many things and Hollywoo rewards me in return. Even when I'm not good at them and I fail, I end up succeeding by sheer luck. See, positive thinking works! Come to think of it, it's like there's a safety net around me, set by savvy people who don't want to see me fail......or don't want to......or need me for something. Hum. Naaaah, it must be my positive attitude.
- All-Loving Hero: Honestly, it's in my nature. Just a big, friendly yellow dog with enough time for everybody! Although, people keep telling me my brand of love doesn't involve understanding others' feelings. Apparently, it's about adapting to everybody's sense of comfort. But that's what I've been doing!
- Always Someone Better: Some think I'm better than BoJack. I'm not. I mean, I've had healthier relationships, I'm better liked, I can do the impossible and my house is prettier but that's about it. note
- Amicable Exes: I tried to be this with all my ex-wives. Results vary considering Katrina tried to use me as a political pawn and Jessica tried to have a group eat me after they dine on Zach Braff. With Diane it seem to be going well, then the cheating happened... BUT in a happy note we were finally able to talk like old friends over a nice phone call about both of us being authors!
- The Anti-Nihilist: The universe is a cruel, dark sucking void. The key to happiness isn't to search for meaning, it's to keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense. And eventually, you'll be dead. Now, let's go chase after tennis balls!
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: I don't even know what that m— Erica! Did you ever get that glass eye replaced?
- Big Damn Heroes: Not to toot my own horn, because people usually do that for me anyway, but I saved Pacific Ocean City from total destruction by pasta, because I just so happened to have a large collection of spaghetti strainers AND a staff of people who could swim fast enough to use them.
- I'm also the one who managed to wrestle Bojack off Gina during the...unpleasantness when he had that painkiller addiction. Trust me, wrestling a horse who's going through withdrawal psychosis is even harder than it looks.
- Cannot Keep a Secret: Bojack once drunkenly told me he was the one who let Sarah Lynn die, and I just sort of blurted it out to these two reporters. I sure hope that won't have any ramifications!
- Catchphrase: "Doggy doggy, what now?!"
- Cone of Shame: I had to wear that stupid thing after I punched a mirror because I thought it was another dog that got into my house and was wearing my clothes.
- Furry Confusion: Well, I might be a famous actor, but I am a dog so sometimes I get sidetracked by dog things. Like when the mailman drives by, oooohhh, I HATE that guy! And I couldnt resist pestering the skunk next door so I got sprayed.
- Good Adultery, Bad Adultery: Yeah, not proud on cheating on Pickles with my ex-wife Diane. For the record, I ultimately told her and was willing to suffer to make up for it.
- Interspecies Romance: It's not a rule or anything, but for some reason, all my major relationships have been with human women. My engagement with Pickles is the first I've had with another dog. Welp, now we're broken up too, she ran off with Joey Pogo.
- Jerkass Realization: Well jerk pushing it, but I finally realize I needs to sort out my personal issues instead of hiding behind relationships (which considering my love life might be for the best).
- Nice Guy: I've been informed this is how almost everyone sees me, which is great, but it does get boring to play the same roles all the time. I briefly tried being more of a "bad boy" during my time on Philbert but that didnt work out so well, it's just not in me.
- The Other Marty: Second verse same as the first! How I ultimately became a star was due to accidentally wandering on the set while the original lead, whose name escaped me, was filming the first episode. For some reason the guy quit the production, and I was hired on the spot, I guess they really liked my speech!
- Undying Loyalty: Pschaw, sure I'm one of the few willing to even associate with Bojack nowadays, and even let him live in my house after all those lawsuits bankrupted him, but let's not get dramatic here! I'm sure a lot of other people would do the same! Really, only Vance Waggoner? Eesh.
- Rags to Riches / Riches to Rags: Oh I wouldn't call it rags but I do admit my track record with money isn't the best. I cant help it, I just get so excited over new investment opportunities, especially when they're coming from my good friend and idea-man Todd Chavez. Oh well, I always seem to make it all back through some hilariously specific sequence of events, like the Spaghetti Strainer Incident.
