Schmuck Bait / Jokes

• How to keep an idiot busy: See bottom of this page.
• This joke:
  Person 1: How do you keep a turkey in suspense.
  Person 2: I don't know, how?
  Person 1: I'll tell you later.
• Whatever you do, don't look down. (Cue person immediately looking down.)
  • Which ties into the practical joke of "You've got something on your shirt!"
• Oh, by the way, we snuck into your house last night and wrote the word "gullible" on the ceiling above your computer. And if you didn't fall for that, it's probably for the best. At least this way you won't see the blood. Luckily, you also have No Peripheral Vision.
• One of a series of facts states that it is impossible to lick your elbow. In the end it asks you if you tried. (Note: It's possible for a lot of people, just not everyone.)
• On YouTube, pressing the number keys on a keyboard while watching a video will cause it to skip ahead to a certain part of the video, something comments will point out to highlight a funny portion. Press 1 to see the funny laugh. Press 3 to hear "Okay, this is pretty great..." Press 10 to see an idiot.
• There are many joke signs for the complaint department in stores.
  • There is a sign that says "Complaint Department, push button for service", which is a button on a mousetrap.
  • Another example says "Complaint Department, please take a number", where the number is on a grenade pin.
• How is the capital of Kentucky pronounced? The person being asked will reply with one of two possible pronunciations of "Louisville". The actual answer is Frankfort.
• Some "What's a Henway?" jokes are schmuck bait, getting people to say awkward things. Take this one:
  Alice: Hey Bob, what do you catch a salmon with?
  Bob: Salmon bait.
  Alice: And what do you catch a trout with?
  Bob: Trout bait.
  Alice: So what do you catch an eye master with?
  Bob: Eye master bait.
  • Similarly, this "Knock Knock" Joke:
    Alice: Knock-knock.
    Bob: Who's there?
    Alice: I'm a pile-up.
    Bob: I'm a pile-up who?
    Alice: No you're not, don't be so hard on yourself!
  • And the "loser says what" joke.
    Alice: A loser says what.
    Bob: What?
    Alice: Congratulations – you're a loser!
  • A variation: "I know a great Knock-Knock joke, you start."
• "Someone told me you sound like an owl!" "Who?"
• "How do you spell 'ICUP'?"
  • Another funny variant is "Look down your shirt and spell 'Attic'".
  • "If a quiz is a Quizicle, what's a test?" Though some kids are savvy enough to never give a straight answer.
• "Have you tried deleting your system32 folder? It'll really speed up your system." (TIP: NEVER DO THIS. The system32 folder contains important files that Windows relies on to run, so it can't even be renamed without putting your computer beyond repair)
  • The Unix^* just about any OS that isn't Windows, including Linux and OS X equivalent is running the command

    sudo rm -rf /

    which wipes out everything on your hard drive.
• This series of questions:
  Q: What does T-W-A spell?
  Q: What does T-W-E spell?
  Q: What does T-W-I spell?
  Q: What does T-W-O spell?
  A: No, not "twoah" – two!
• And this one:
  Alice: Spell "hop".
  Bob: H-O-P.
  Alice: Spell "pop".
  Bob: P-O-P.
  Alice: Spell "top".
  Bob: T-O-P.
  Alice: What do you do at a green light?
  Bob: Stop!
  Alice: No, you go at a green light!
  • Similarly, Alice gives Bob a list of words like “coast” and “roast” then asks “What do you put in a toaster?” You don’t put TOAST in a toaster, you put BREAD in.
• What does M-A-C-D-O-N-A-L-D spell? ^note MacDonald.
  • What does M-A-C-G-R-E-G-O-R spell? ^note MacGregor.
  • What does M-A-C-H-I-N-E-R-Y spell? ^note machinery, not "MacHinery".
• There's a joke in Portuguese regarding "Do you know Mário?", that translated to English would be "Do you know Posit?" "Who?" "That one who fucked you behind the closet!" Conflating that joke with Nintendo's mascot is common◊.
• How to keep an idiot busy: See top of this page.

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