Sandbox / Classic Filipino Action Movie Cliches

Classic Filipino Action Movie Cliches

(from the book "Why Do Filipinos Read Books in Reverse?" by Bob Ong, translated by Moonlight Bomber)

Have you ever watched a Filipino action movie? Here are some signs that what you're watching is a Filipino fight flick.

1. The plot centers on revenge.
2. The protagonist's sister was raped, or a relative of his was slain (father, mother, older sister, older brother, stepsibling, wife, fiancee, mistress, son/daughter, cousin, uncle, aunt, grandfather, grandmother, godfather, godmother, grandchild, great-grandchild, great-great-grandchild, ancestor).
3. One of the scenes depicts either the protagonist or his fiancee being ridiculed and harassed by loitering drunkards.
4. There will be a commotion at a huge gathering (birthday, wedding, baptism, wake).
5. The protagonist will never feel any pain during battle, but he will scream in pain if the heroine is healing his wounds.
6. If you hear a character laugh "bwahahahaha", he's automatically a villain.
7. Whenever he's doing something evil, the villain laughs. Even when he's raping someone.
8. The villain is always a smoker and has lots of vices.
9. The villain loves wearing leather jackets, even in April at high noon.
10. The structure of the bad guys: the boss and his underlings.
11. The headquarters of the bad guys is either a warehouse or a big house.
12. There is always a scene at a beer house, too.
13. There is a sexy heroine, and there is a steamy scene that can be narrated in Abante (a popular Filipino language tabloid).
14. After that steamy scene, the heroine will revert to being meek like nothing happened.
15. The heroine is capable of fighting; she can even knock down a single man.
16. If ever the protagonist is cornered, he will not be immediately killed off. He will just be imprisoned and tortured instead, since the big boss always wants him caught alive.
17. When he encounters the big boss, he will be killed... just more slowly.
18. The protagonist and his mortal enemy will talk while pointing their guns at each other. The conversation will be long, as long as a long-winding speech, like lovers arguing on the phone.
19. There will be huge explosions even when they're not needed.
20. There will be no huge explosions even when they're needed.
21. Guns are cheap and can be disposed of when they're out of ammo.
22. The protagonist can pick up a loaded gun whenever he needs it.
23. The heroine is a sharpshooter even though she hasn't handled a gun even once before in her life.
24. The protagonist can easily take on twenty mooks in a fight because they do not charge all at once. They always do it one at a time, like they're dancing.
25. The protagonist can't be hit by bullets even though thirty mooks are opening fire at him. Conversely, he can easily shoot them all.
26. If he indeed gets hit, his skin will always be barely touched. No headshots or shots to the heart allowed.
27. The protagonist has nine lives.
28. The heroine has twice that number of lives.
29. If ever one of them will die, he or she will say something that is worth a whole script's page before biting the dust.
30. After listening to the lengthy farewell speech, the survivor will look up at the sky and then scream the name of the deceased.
31. However, the survivor will not be alone for long; since there will always be a spare partner ready.
32. The police will arrive fashionably late and will directly arrest the bad guys. Yes, they have a hunch on who really are the bad guys... and they leave the protagonist alone, even though he took part in the riot that just happened!