Running Gag / We Hate Movies

As former improv comedians with over 400+ episodes and counting of content, the We Hate Movies hosts have a knack for coming up with jokes that they enjoy riffing on repeatedly.

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Some throughout the show...:

• When in this movie would Steve Sajdak kill himself?
• References to Zoo, a documentary about an engineer who was killed by having sex with a horse.
• Whenever it's mentioned that an actor has since died, they are commemorated with an R.I.P.D.
• Drunkard characters being regulars at Muldoon's, a fictional pub franchise based off the Great White Hunter Muldoon from Jurassic Park.
• George Lucas pressuring Steven Spielberg into including various nonsensical things in his movie, particularly Sebulba (who is available).
• Both Abraxas and Jesse Ventura having an obsession with Secundus hunting them.
• "And now it's time for Comic Book Expert Steve Sajdak to help us out..."
• Clickety-clack for anything involving typing, particularly in reference to hack writing.
• Bruce Glover's lack of teeth in his "goblin pumpkin face" giving him a bad case of meth-mouth, maaaaaan.
• If either Philip Seymour Hoffman or awkward break-up scenes are alluded to in any way, there's a 50% chance that Scotty's drunken emotional breakdown ("I'M A FUGGIN' IDIOT") in Boogie Nights will be acted out by Steve.
• "Is 'X' longer or shorter than Star Wars?" as a way of gauging a movie's worth. Done as a Take That!, usually, as they praise Star Wars for being a film that establishes an entire universe, mythology, and cast of memorable characters all in the span of 2 hours, and anything that runs longer than that without doing similarly substantial work is made to feel awful by comparison.
• "Next time, baby!", applied to characters played by both Terrence Howard and Don Cheadle.^note By their own admission, it's just a fun line to associate with any actor who's ever played War Machine, including "the late, great James Avery".
• Capt. Cragen knows you're tired, and he just wants you to go to sleep.
• Some sort of wincing "Stay tuned" whenever another bad movie is mentioned during the podcast, indicating that movie is probably in the pipeline.
• Martin Cinemax III, owner of the similarly-named cable network, a disturbingly lecherous Corrupt Corporate Executive who actively hunts down all examples of nudity in film, just in case it can potentially be shown "after dark", and who makes a point of screening nothing but porn at home to warp his kids into carrying on the family legacy.
• Whenever the guys portray a Corrupt Corporate Executive for a major corporation (or even just a type of business), they tend to act as if every major corporation is just named after the CEO. This includes Martin Cinemax III, as well as other one-off examples such as Thomas Coke, Henry Mars and Marvin Videostore.
• Threats and protagonist/antagonist actions are measured on a scale of how many stars they'd get in Grand Theft Auto.
• Clive Owen gets such bad headaches.
• Frank Welker, the 1% of the voice-acting community.
• The over-optimistic enthusiasm displayed by their younger and nerdier selves (especially Steve), and the utter dismissal they get from their verbally abusive moms (also especially Steve).
• "IS THAT MY [blank] IN THERE?!?"
• I'm gonna need twelve guys...
• Steve's brief, shameful love affair with nü-metal in the early 2000's.
• Since Steve and Eric have rather unique last names, they sometimes introduce themselves with new last names based on the film they're watching (for instance "Eric Shao Khan" in the Mortal Kombat: The Movie episode).
• Gallagher can be in the movie, Marc! See, this watermelon represents this thing, and this sledgehammer represents that thing! See you on set, you son of a bitch.^note First done in the Kindergarten Cop 2 episode.
• "Don't tell me it didn't happen! I saw it happen!" Used whenever the guys are trying to emphasize that they observed something whenever another of the guys questions it.
• Goodfellas
  • "The good coats are in the back."
  • "You have a whore living in [blank]!"
• If they're about to rag on a movie which has a pretty... passionate fan-base, they will usually spend a few moments at the beginning slightly over-emphasising how "it's okay to like a movie" even if some guys on a podcast spend an hour or so ragging on it.
• In their episode dissecting Film/Shrek, Eric shares an embarrassing story about his photo in high school being posted (without his consent) to a Hot-Or-Not type site. The sole comment on it was from an anonymous user and read "He look like Shrek." Meanness aside, the guys quickly began to use it to refer to anything and everything they thought was ugly, and the trend has continued for several episodes.
• Any mention of Dominoes Pizza will be accompanied with "#BringBackTheNoid".
• Random stuff they've located on Google, Wikipedia or the IMDB Trivia section is often heralded as if it were coming from a reputable news source, such as the Internet News Ticker or the IMDB Tribune.
• Obvious budgetary failings in the movies they watch are explained with "the finger-thing means the money."
• If The Mafia happens to come up in conversation, the boys will take pains to stress that they are a "pro-Mafia podcast" just in case any wiseguys happen to be listening and take offense to perceived criticisms.
• They will often call on Neil deGrasse Tyson to do a breakdown of the glaring scientific inaccuracies present in the movies they critique. This is often a bit of a double-edged Take That! against both the ludicrous implausibilities of the movies they watch and Tyson himself, who they feel can be a bit too nitpicky towards what is only supposed to be entertainment.
• Amy Adams will insult you in the nicest way possible.
• Senator Sadjak's controversial movie numbering/naming legislation.^note Introduced in the Patreon-exclusive Jurassic World episode; essentially Steve proposes that movie sequels should all have a number with any subtitles separated from the main title by a colon. So, for example, Batman Forever would, under the new legislation, become Batman 3: Batman Forever. Depending on cinematic universes and sub-franchises, this can become complicated; for one, the sequel to Jurassic World would technically become Jurassic Park 5: Jurassic World 2: Forbidden Kingdom, while The Avengers (2012) would become Iron Man 3: Hulk 3: Captain America 2: Thor 2: The Avengers.
• Eric, you're so bad.
• Jesse Ventura, desperate for work, keeps calling up Arnold Schwarzenegger and begging him for bit-parts in his projects (and keeps losing them to Sven Ole-Thorsen, fueling a bitter rivalry between the two).
• Their impressions tend to have a few recurring elements pop up:
  • Mark Wahlberg is depicted as a dopey ingenue constantly surprised by obvious facts and knowledge.
  • "Emperor" Reagan as a senile yet diabolical tyrant.
  • George W. Bush still lives in his father's basement, fueling tension between the two.
  • Paul Giamatti is a whiny, nebbishy Gil Gunderson-style loser who manages to screw up everything he touches.
  • Their John F. Kennedy tends to be surprisingly sleazy.
• (In a choked voice) Giant women!^note first appeared in the Bee Movie as part of their mockery of the hints at inappropriate fetish fuel throughout the episode, particularly concerning the size difference between the main character (a bee) and his love interest (a human woman).
• Chris Cabin is the Most Contrarian Film Critic to ever live.^note In actuality, Chris comes tenth on the linked list of critics, which compares a critic's individual Metacritic scores with the overall consensus score to determine which critics tended to disagree with the consensus most often when reviewing movies. But naturally the boys tend to prioritise making fun of Chris over strict accuracy in data analysis.
• The guys have made a lot of hay out of the fact that celebrity chef Guy Fieri and actor Matthew McConaughey are friends, as memorably revealed when McConaughey delivered the tribute speech when Fieri received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
• Whenever a movie (or the conversation in general) turns to a post-apocalyptic theme, it is often noted that in the event of the collapse of civilization the guys in general and Steve in particular will resort to cannibalism and general barbarism alarmingly quickly (or alternatively, suicide at the first opportunity).
• Eric's terrible understanding of basic facts, especially with regards to human/reproductive biology.
• So Stan Lee was smokin' a J with [X], and suddenly he stole their idea!
• Whenever Kelsey Grammer is mentioned, Steven will at some mention and/or play the infamous clip of Grammer falling off a stage.
• Whenever one of the guys mentions owning a somewhat valuable but nevertheless reasonably common item (such as a video game console), the other will mock them for apparently flaunting their wealth by muttering "Huh, Little Rich Boy here..."
• Attractive women who are present largely to be the object of desire for male characters/the audience are often described as "b-b-b-babes!" (complete with stammer).
• Particularly notable examples of protagonists getting away with crimes and punishable offences will lead our hosts to declare that the protagonist "would have got the chair by now"... even if the crimes they're escaping punishment for are not actually punishable by death. Apparently our hosts have a bit of the Hanging Judge within them.
• Lame guitar-rock soundtracks, particularly those which rely heavily on blues-ish electric guitar riffing and noodling (think Eric Clapton's scores for the Lethal Weapon films), are identified as "Fart Rock".
  • Similarly, the kind of light-hearted, sax-heavy white blues featured in 80's and 90's comedies is often called "fat-guy John Candy music", based on the metric of whether or not you could imagine it playing when John Candy arrives at a vacation resort (or, of course, in Uncle Buck). Jim Belushi movies in particular feature a lot of this.
• Whenever they play a clip from a licensed song, Eric immediately says a few words critiquing in order to make the episode qualify as a "music review" and thus covered under Fair Use.
• Eric's groan-worthy Incredibly Lame Puns and Dad Jokes - and the appropriate groaning responses they elicit - are common enough to be mentioned here.
• Andrew's imitation of Optimus Prime always ends up circling back to his mundane domesticity and his partner Vivian.
• Various elements of the "VHS Trailer Game" premiered in late 2020, in which Steve quizzes the others on various trailers that appear on the VHS editions of various films they cover, have become running gags. This includes Steve's identity as "the Gamemaster" (or "Jamemaster", after he misspelt the word in the first edition), the quiz-show style host, who is variously either some sort of Batman villain or the sinister head of a NXIVM-style cult, and the others making fun of him for dumpster diving or otherwise paying a ridiculously cheap amount of money to acquire VHS tapes for the game.

...And some only in specific episodes:

• A Shock to the System: Michael Caine really wants to be a wizard.
• The Haunting (1999): The ghost of Lili Taylor’s verbally abusive and exploitative dead mother (who really should have been in the film).
• Ewoks: Battle for Endor: Gowdammut! This is awl yer fault, rabbut!
• Wired: Which X-Men timeline has John Belushi's ghost found himself in now? (Doesn't matter, there's death camps.)
• The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking: Alphonso the horse hates Pippi's guts.
• Jaws: The Revenge: Jaws can talk, and he's really obnoxious.
• The Next Karate Kid:
  • Guy Fieri has some really exciting ideas for cooking Hillary Swank's hawk, and he's willing to wait a long time to get it.
  • Those Buddhist monks really hate the Snuggle Bear, and will not rest until its kind have been hunted into extinction.
• Spawn: WANDAAAAA!
• Twister: Dusty "the Dust-Man" has a list of perversions a mile long and a tendency to forget which cable is hooked up to the van's music system and which one is hooked up to his porn, with embarrassing results.
• Ghost in the Machine:
  • The Address Book Killer might be a sadistic serial murderer, but this time he just wants Karen Allen's shitty kid (who is going to grow up to be another serial killer) to learn some respect.
  • Sex Corral!
• Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning: The Adventures of Captains Kirk and Picard through the Crystal Lake Nexus.
• Bordello of Blood: Alan, the creepy guy in accounts who's a big fan of the Crypt-Keeper.
• Bless the Child: Rufus Sewell's evil lazy eye is the one running this show.
• The Raven: LOOOOOOOOOOOONGfellow!
• Tuff Turf: The villain is consistently referred to as forty-five years old.
• Freejack: Now Walter, the only way we can do this Jonathan Banks impression is if we call everyone Walter.
• The Pallbearer: Cloudie, David Schwimmer's overworked and disgruntled Personal Raincloud of Self-Pity.
• Batman Forever:
  • Charles Bronson's Batman, with Lee Marvin as Robin.
  • Bruce Wayne's desperation to come out of the closet as Batman leads to a lot of awkward unintended Suspiciously Specific Denials.
• Addicted to Love: So very, very many Silence of the Lambs references.
• The Mating Rituals of the Earthbound Human: The endemic racism within the Rebel Alliance, especially towards Tusken Raiders.
• The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day: Troy Duffy, master of cinematic gay panic.
• Foodfight:
  • The Domino's CEO is really sorry, you guys.
  • That creepy animator's getting his porn mixed into the kid's film again.
  • The Sims: Branding Icons.
• Volcano: Tommy Lee Jones can't stop jackin'.
• She's All That: "Do NOT worry about Paul Walker."
• Only the Strong:
  • Silverio's got no time for making money through organised crime! There's a shitty public school he's got to victimise.
  • "Hey there. Wanna Brazilian karate fight?"
  • You've defeated one of Silverio's men — wanna job?
• Cliffhanger:
  • Sylvester Stallone has man feelings, and they’re really helping his novel/album.
  • Travers has anger management issues.
  • The woman from Northern Exposure really hopes she doesn’t get kidnapped today.
• Wes Craven's New Nightmare: Wes Craven tries to ask Johnny Depp to cameo for old time's sake, but his timidity gets in the way.
• Cat's Eye:
  • "Caaaat hoooot doooogs!"
  • Alan King hates fantasy.
  • Eric Szyzska's Broadway Danny Dracula.
• Chopping Mall:
  • RoboCop's robo-nephews and their struggles with irritating college roommates.
  • The many unnecessary features the dealer is including in the death-robots, including action movie quips.
• Date With An Angel: A date with Angel Peter Falk.
• The Good Son:
  • Is the Surge cool yet?
  • David Morse's increasingly dark Yakuza-connected business trip
  • Ian and McEwan, little person novelists-screenwriters-stuntmen.
  • Television: your one-stop solution to all your "forced to hang out with your murderous sociopathic cousin" problems.
• Getaway: Selena Gomez is a baby.
• Mrs. Doubtfire:
  • Harvey Fierstein can't keep paying for all this makeup.
  • Movie soundtracks: the secret behind the success of Clintonomics.
• Canvas: John Rhys Davies: Greek porn addict. Who lives in a gross menagerie.
• Dreamcatcher:
  • Stephen King is finding self-plagiarism a problem with this latest magnum opus.
  • Morgan Freeman finds all the scripts he says yes to in the dumpster.
• North:
  • "Robert Costanzo, kid-killer. Commish."
  • "Good job, Rob."
  • Is there an adult in this movie who isn't a child molester?
• The Butterfly Effect: The stoned screenwriters are gonna blow your minds with how extreeeeeeeeeeeme their ideas for this film are.
• Hot Dog: The Movie:
  • Talk about fresh powder!
  • Nick Nolte: Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor/town sheriff/time-travelling Nazi hunter.
• Hamburger: The Movie:
  • Jessie Ventura is keeping close count of all the Tens in this movie, but has trouble if there's more than nine.
  • The Rodney Dangerfield soundboard — for all your terrible dad-joke needs.
• Mystery Men:
  • Tim Burton disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
  • Tom Waits gets very confused by who directs and stars in movies with him.
• Mortal Kombat: The Movie:
  • "The fabulous Outworld Resort! Heheheh."
  • Peter Falk is having some trouble with his new cybernetic eye.
• Swordfish:
  • Copter Cam!
  • John Travolta — sorry Gabriel — sure wants to have a lot of Ho Yay with Stan.
• Catwoman (2004): Michael Massee knows he's human garbage, okay?! He lives on Garbage Island!
• Planet of the Apes (2001): Mark Wahlberg must be kept away from the script.
• The Day After Tomorrow: Louie Anderson, America's greatest (and only) living actor.
• Under Siege: "Go talk to the captain!"
• Secret Window:
  • "You stole mah story, tawk t' y'all latuh!"
  • Hutton & Dutton, coming soon to the USA Network.)
• Wild in the Streets:
  • "Hey, baby! Man! Baby-man!"
  • Ed Begley Sr., blood-drinking demon-gargoyle and US Senator.
• The Hand That Rocks the Cradle: "Hey, I'm Joe the Baby."
• Three Men and a Baby: Joe, the put-upon doorman at Tom Selleck's apartment building.
• Super Mario Bros. (1993): Oh, you want Bob Hoskins to do somethin' extra for ya stupid video game movie do ya? Well that's gonna be an extra $50,000.
• Sabotage (2014): Arnold Schwarzenegger flaunts copyright law through bad karaoke.
• Taking Lives: The art appraisal test guy has two obsessions — turtles and Kiefer Sutherland.
• White Noise: The Hulkster is bedeviled by "gramlins".
• Teen Wolf Too: "Looks like we got ourselves a boxin' scholarship." (Plaintive harmonica trill)
• Fatal Beauty: Mike Marshak, beautiful security guard.
• Twisted (2004): Fuck you, DeMarco! Fuck you and your sea lions.
• Moontrap:
  • Chekov's post-Enterprise Star Fleet career: running the sexual harassment seminars.
  • The triumphantly depraved debut of one Martin Cinemax III and his quest to put titties in every movie.
• Red Heat
  • "Dust it off, it's fine."
  • "Hey, Arnie, ever been in a frat?"
• Teen Witch:
  • I'm fuckin' all these frogs, chile'!
  • Where did those chairs come from?
• Camp Nowhere: ...MUD!
• Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: INAPPROPRIATE
• Green Lantern (2011) : Gorilla Grodd is here, and he's temp-to-hire.
• Mortal Kombat: Annihilation:
  • Lord Raiden's your shitty new dad, Devin.^note Disappointed, the guys note that despite James Remar being cast, he's not playing the typical slimy-heavy role to the hilt like he usually does, and is thus much less fun to watch.
  • Sallah's a closet rrrracist, Indy!)
• Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life: Eric has been preparing for this episode for a long time.
• The Devil's Advocate:
  • I bet that hog-beast eats a thousand pancakes!
  • "Special Places", which is naturally used at least once in reference to Jeffrey Jones.
• Brainscan:
  • GodDAMN it, Jeremy!
  • Frank Langella, terrible houseguest.
• Thinner:
  • Wow, there's a Romani curse for everything.
  • No, Stephen King didn't do something awful, Richard Bachman did.
• Never Say Never Again:
  • That Burger King better be ice-cold!
  • Watershportsh
  • The Madness of King Ralph.
• Supergirl:
  • Jimmy Olsen]], high school creeper.
  • Peter O'Toole is going to sit this one out.
  • Squirt squirt!
• Weekend at Bernie's:
  • BAH GAWD KANG, IT'S WEEKEND AT VINCE'S!
  • I was promised getting my balls mashed!
• Weekend at Bernie's II: Ah didn't have this problem with the Kenmore hotline, Mobu!
• Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation: Care-a-Lot, theocratic state.
• Star Wars: Attack of the Clones: Cliegg Lars needs a wife hookup.
• Santa Claus: The Movie: Jessie Ventura is gonna expose The Truth about Santa Claus.
• Entourage: It's Goober, Hamster! The Goob's got cancer, bro!
• The Last Witch Hunter:
  • Michael Caine will do your movie, but he's not getting out of his chair for it.
  • Vin Diesel's multiple hydra-like balls.
  • Waspbusters.
  • Stone-Cold Steve Austin destroys independent cinema with surprise Stunners.
• Pixels: "Mom! Get in here!"
• American Shaolin: King of the Kickboxers II:
  • Jim Belushi is... Fat Ghost (on the Starship Enterprise).
  • George H.W. ain't gonna rest until he's deregulated the dojo industry, Bar!
• The Watcher: Damnit, Brian, you're killing my career!
• The Shadow: The Shadow is stretching the definition of "saved your life" with some of his agents, and he's really beginning to take liberties with Peter Boyle.
• A Letter from Death Row
  • [Long snort] Hey-man-I've-got-an-amazing-idea-for-this-amazing-movie-we're-making-man-it's-the-best-idea-ever-and-also-Jesus-is-a-werewolf.
  • Joe Estevez earning that sweet pretending-to-be-his-brother money.
  • The hottest Hollywood parties always have a Dad Room, and Bruce Glover is insufferable there.
  • Gary Busey has been hired to frame you for sexual assault and he will go to great lengths to do so.
• Anti Trust:
  • Come to Burtonworld, the Burtonest Place on Earth. Bwahahahaha. Batman not included.
  • Noob Saibot is a cockblocking bastard. Toasties!
• My Best Friend's Wedding: Dermot Mulroney wants to take you on a boat trip.
• American Dreamz: If Marcia Gay Harden is in it, it's a satire.
• Speed 2: Cruise Control: Willem Dafoe's sex leeches.
• Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead: The Alternate Universe where George Lucas and Louis Anderson work in the same office after failing miserably.
• Lady in the Water:
  • Paul Giamatti keeps jerkin' off in the pool.
  • M. Night Shyamalan's masterpiece is basically Mein Kempf.
• Star Trek V: The Final Frontier: Limp Bizkit, the unexpected classical music of the twenty-fifth century.
• The Amazing Spider-Man 2:
  • Stan Lee stole this idea while smoking a joint.
  • Capt. John Stacy is an asshooooole-e-o-e-o)
• Anaconda:
  • The incredibly middle-class adventures of Poisonous WASP, the worst-ever Batman villain.
  • Slither, Jon Voight and Danny Trejo's incredibly sleazy bar.
• Hollow Man: Welcome back to the Man-Cave! Your dad's favorite podcast. We're giving away a jet-ski, but first, Memewatch.
• Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers: Dr. "Loose" Loomis, shock-jock Ascended Fan.
• Fantastic Four (2005): Willy Lumpkin]], bathroom blowjob enthusiast.
• The Happening:
  • Hot dogs are a central theme of this movie/episode, mystifyingly.
  • Mark Wahlberg has his heart set on playing a science teacher.
  • The We Hate Movies murder-mystery podcast goes a bit haywire
  • Avenge me.
• End of Days:
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger will only eat food if it's been blended.
  • Kolchak the Nut Stalker, hunting supernatural entities and hot loads.
• Batman & Robin:
  • Alfred Pennyworth, downtrodden slave and fetish costumer.
  • Commissioner-for-Life Gordon and his glorious bullshit medals.
  • Jessie Ventura is... The Cameo.
• My Father the Hero: Gerard Depardieu and Ray Winstone are... Two Fat Spies.
• Tango & Cash: Welcome to Russell Rules, the Internet's best — and loneliest — Kurt Russell podcast. Hang up on that guy!
• Sidekicks: The Houston business community is ruthlessly exploiting the Product Placement possibilities of Chuck Norris.
• Over The Top: Lincoln Marsh is the Zodiac Killer.
• It (1990): Jay Leno, servant of the Dark Lord Pennywise.
• Samurai Cop:
  • The Star Trek: TNG outing to the Samurai Cop premiere has not been successful, and Sir Patrick Stewart wants out.
  • Samurai Cop wants you to know that his circumcision wasn't botched.
• Scream 2:
  • David Warner has sunk a lot of money into this college theatre production and he's going to make sure it goes ahead no matter how many people die.
  • The disgusting sexual practice of Star-69.
• The Fan: Andrew's getting the voices in his head mixed up with the voices in Robert De Niro's head.
• Drop Zone: Skydiving Network News. All the news that skydivers need to know.
• Hard to Kill:
  • Edward Snowden, Steven Seagal's (unwilling) new roommate, collaborator and BFF.
  • The incredible rise and fall of Coma Cat.
• Geostorm: As part of his secret service duties, Clint Eastwood has been married to at least three Presidents, Roger Clinton and Doctor Strange.
• Going in Style (2017): Coming soon to a theatre near you (pending Patreon funding); Funny Funeral, the first film in an elderly actor ensemble cinematic universe! Starring Alan Alda as Detective Dad.
• Traces of Red:
  • James Belushi's emotional muse is his car. It was his dad's!
  • Domino's Takeout Pizza Insurance — free replacement pizza, and all it costs is your dignity. ("'M sorry, Mr. Domino's...")
• I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
  • The many logistical headaches of planning a serial killing spree when you're also an undead monster.
  • The campaign to ban Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar".
  • Colby is the literal worst, especially his name.
  • Eric Szyszka: Podcast Medium.
• Tarzan the Ape Man: The drunken British colonialists manage to narrate the movie, host the Horny History podcast and have dinner, all in the same diner.
• Lost in Space:
  • Penny Robinson's many drug addictions.
  • Elderly Robot.
  • Gary Oldman is an eeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiil monster, in case you hadn't figured that out yet.
• Airbourne:
  • Clarence Boddicker, Liam Neeson and Al Pacino, bullies of Old Man High School.
  • Noah Hawley, fan of the show.
  • There are too many gangs of bullies at this school.
• X-Men Origins: Wolverine:
  • The Bad Movie DJ, helpfully telling you all the bits of the movie you actually want to stick around for.
  • Bullshit Marvel Comics facts, courtesy of your schoolmate from the Bronx.
• xXx: Vin Diesel lives for this shit! (especially the getting kidnapped.)
• Jurassic Park 3:
  • Alan Grant's nut trauma.
  • Alexander Payne's first draft of this movie was really deep, you guys.
• Rambo III: Sylvester Stallone's Super Mario Bros., starring Marlon Brando as Bowser.
• Eraser:
  • John Kruger has a pretty unethical relationship with his brother Freddy when it comes to handling bodies.
  • Jesse Ventura isn't going to be ending his feud with Sven-Ole Thorsen any time soon, and he's got the full powers of Governor of Minnesota on his side.
• Urban Legend:
  • Professor Robert Englund is going through some marital issues right now, and his Urban Legends class is the perfect venue to explore them.
  • Fat College.
• Back to the Future: Doc Brown is the lonely old man who goes to Burger King every day to make small talk with the employees.
• Batman (1989): "It's Eckhardt, sir." "Oh. My. God."
• Life Itself (2018): Fuckface Begins.
• The Happytime Murders:
  • There's lots of puppet-fucking going on behind the scenes at the Jim Henson Company, and the Hensons may be implicated. As well as George Lucas.
  • Joel McHale's Guide To Sleepwalking Through Crappy Comedies.
• What Women Want:
  • Alan Alda's letters from the future.
  • Tony Todd is asleep at the wheel when it comes to offing Mel Gibson.
• Valentine:
  • Paul Giamatti: inept slasher movie killer.
  • Dorothy would rather you did not call her Dorth.
• The Island (2005):
  • Introducing the newest hit racist puppeteer: Randy Blaaaa-Blaaaaare!.
  • Golden Corral, your favourite clone-friendly diarrhea-inducing restaurant, y'all!
• Prince Of Persia Sands Of Time:
  • The adventures of the Buddy Brigade, Jake Gyllenhaal's exceedingly lame and dorky (though incredibly nice) answer to the Pussy Posse.
  • You'd best start believin' in [X]; yer in one.
• Battlefield Earth
  • Roger Christian was continually tormented by a series of sadistic phone calls George Lucas made throughout the making of this film.
  • L. Ron Hubbard keeps letting his appetite for junk food distract him while writing The Sacred Texts.
  • That's just a bee in L. Ron Hubbard's bathroom. Certainly not a toilet cam.
• Pet Sematary (1989):
  • [X] is the Joker of [Y]! They're really twisted.
  • Fred Gwynne is taking advantage of the pet sematary to replenish his six-pack with evil beer.
• Shrek 2:
  • Shrek is a clingy, emotionally-abusive husband who's always texting Fiona demanding to know where she is.
  • The We Hate Movies crew gets their wish to smoke weed with Antonio Banderas, and all he wants to do is MST3K his filmography.
• Live Free or Die Hard:
  • Coked-up Bill Nighy is a Toxic Friend Influence on director Len Wiseman, and he's particularly intent on breaking up his marriage to Kate Beckinsale. *Whu-tisssh!*
  • Every computer needs a dildo key, particularly Bill Clinton's.
  • Eric is a little hard-to-impress when it comes to the apocalypse, while Steve will be the only one resorting to barbarism the very second the power goes out.
• 17 Again (2009):
  • Tommy Wiseau's 17 Again (2009).
  • If Steven Sadjak gets de-aged back to a younger self, you should check his dick to make sure it's still him.
• Final Destination:
  • S my D!
  • Agents Schrek and Donkey are on the case!
  • Mulder's got a supernatural explanation for everything, and it's beginning to piss Scully off
  • The Long Island Italian Dad's pissed about his sons being dead, ya jabrone!
• Dude, Where's My Car?:
  • Larry Clark is a little too interested in the perversion potential of the PG-13 rating.
  • Dad Alert!
• The Super:
  • We Hate Movies presents: In Conversation with Joe Pesci's Wig.
  • Joe Pesci and Arnold Schwarzenegger, in competition to play Agent Scully
  • Joe Pesci wants to introduce you to his little maggot!
• Deep Rising:
  • The Argonautia: cruise liner for depraved mega-rich perverts.
  • The anti-capitalist sea monster is striking a blow against the 1%!
• The Amazing Spider-Man:
  • Dylan Baker has spent too long playing Curt Connors to give up on being in the Spider-Man films now, and he will threaten your kids.
  • Uncle Ben's man-crush on Flash Thompson.
  • Spider-Man's juicy, plump ass.
• 2012:
  • John Cusack might want to check his son's messages with Tom McCarthy, 'cause McCarthy seems to be getting a little too close.
  • Guy Fieri's post-apocalyptic cookbook.
  • President Danny Glover has his heart set on delivering news of the apocalypse at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
• The Taking of Pelham One Two Three: Steve's idea for a potboiler about the surprisingly sinister problems one woman faces while trying to keep the streaming rights to Frasier on Netflix.
• The Fast and the Furious (2001)
  • The tuna fish sandwiches at Toretto's are both internationally renowned cuisine and a serious public health hazard.
  • Brian O'Connor: Terrible Undercover Police Officer.
  • This series is about family, heists and sister-fucking.
  • The Fast and the Furious, starring Gallagher.
  • Gallagher also runs a movie recap podcast.
• Gone in 60 Seconds (2000) (Live)
  • Memphis Raine has a car fetish (and judging by the names he gives them, it's a bit of a MILF car fetish).
  • Memphis Raine also has a Transformers fetish, much to Optimus Prime's displeasure.
  • The Japanese Talking Robot Toilet (and its many observations and criticisms of your bathroom habits).
  • One guy in the audience really wants them to GET TO THE SNAKE ALREADY!
  • PURPLE RAIN! WOOOO!^note A few nights before the live event, a video leaked of Nicholas Cage performing a... unique version of Prince's "Purple Rain" at a karaoke bar, which naturally the boys couldn't resist bringing up as much as possible.
  • Car Cops: Taking vehicular theft and blowing it all completely out of proportion!
• The Wicker Man (2006) (Live)
  • So, so many terrible puns about bees from Eric.
  • The cultists of Summerisle have had some delays with their wicker man; better fuck with Nicholas Cage's mind until it's ready.
  • The rules behind who gets to be wicker-manned are also unnecessarily complicated.
  • We Hate Movies hosts the Great Debate: Can The Men On Summerisle Shoot Bees Out Of Their Mouths?
• Species:
  • Almost despite herself, Angelica Jade Bastién^note the guest host of this episode really wants everyone to see Species II.
  • Michael Madsen, Professional Kid Murderer.
• Double Impact: Much confusion over how exactly a tunnel is supposed to be profitable.
• Sphere:
  • Dustin Hoffman's fifth-grade level attempt to plagiarise his meeting-aliens report is really coming back to bite him.
  • George HW's got a lot on his plate, Bar — he's got to go through the meeting-aliens report, plot numerous atrocities, help The Boy with his 9/11 planning homework, figure out the Nude-alities in Mortal Kombat and, of course, there's all those dojos to deregulate.
  • Cinema Truckers: you could drive a truck through these plotholes and that's what they're gonna do! (After getting a blowjob in a gas station parking lot, that is.) Now hosting the "Vroom Vroom!" podcast.
• The Lawnmower Man:
  • Stephen King is facing some tough questions at the legal hearing to get his name taken off this movie.
  • Chris's man-crush on early-90's era Pierce Brosnan.
• Friday the 13th (2009)
  • Jason Voorhees, alt-right libertarian survivalist.
  • TUNNEL MAN copyright We Hate Movies
• I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry:
  • The guys end almost every reference to Adam Sandler's character's dialogue with some baby talk along the lines of "bopadity boo-boo".
  • The Stepdad Focus Group has only three notes for the makers of this movie: more titties, more homophobic jokes, and more scenes of their goddamn stepson Devon treating his stepdad with some goddamn respect and pulling his goddamn weight with the household chores, goddammit.
• The Karate Kid:
  • To avoid racist stereotyping, the role of "Mr. Miyagi Impression" in tonight's episode will be played by Peter Falk. This... might not be an improvement.
  • The many ways Mr. Miyagi is trying to grift that dimwitted gaijin asshole Daniel.
  • Daniel Laruso: True Villain of this movie.
• The Rock:
  • General Hummel's terrorism plot is drastically overshadowed by the unrelated trolley-car disaster caused by Sean Connery earlier in the film.
  • Stanley Goodfellow: Beatlemaniac. With all the weirdness that title implies.
  • The tragic story of the SS Pizzatania, the doomed pizza boat trying to supply Alcatraz Island (and the less said about the bathroom boat, the better).
• Gremlins:
  • Unlike mogwai, Hoyt Axton can be (and insists on being) fed after midnight. But he's got far more complex rules, Billy.
  • Billy's dad is leading a double life, complete with a second family — hence all the "inventor conferences" on Christmas.
• Hellboy (2019)
  • Hellboy fucked me good one time.
  • Eric's shameful ignorance of early-2000s nu-metal.
  • We Hate Movies presents The Great Debate: Exactly How Much Baby Soup/Human Flesh Can You Eat Before It Becomes Evil? (Also, eating [X]; is that cannibalism?)
  • There are too many movies happening in this movie.
• Angel Has Fallen: President Nerd and his reign of incredibly geeky terror.
• Yesterday (2019)
  • Eric's passionate dislike of Ed Sheeran.
  • The insane doorknob situation in the United Kingdom.
  • The many sexual acts that were wiped away along with knowledge of the Beatles.
• Teen Wolf: If Teen Wolf isn't going to make a move on (the unfortunately named) Boof, then Teen Wolf's dad is waiting right there in the wings.
• Death Wish 4: The Crackdown: Danny Trejo — prolific actor, functional immortal, and star of every classic movie from 1916 onwards.
• A Sound of Thunder:
  • Edward Burns uses "Walls" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers as his hold music.
  • Stephen Tobolowsky just wanted to call Ed Burns to reflect on old times during his podcast, but he thinks he might be interrupting phone sex instead.
  • "So they were talking about A Sound of Thunder, and then they literally [went on a bizarre unrelated scatological/blasphemous tangent]."
• Queen of the Damned
  • Dan Aykroyd's ongoing quest for ghost blowjobs.
  • The difficulties of finding goth extras in Australia.
  • Chris Cabin's shameful (according to everyone else) love of Deftones.
• The Commuter:
  • Jonathan Banks's character is way too familiar with the hookers of New York City.
  • The HR and accounting departments of the vague criminal conspiracy Vera Formiga works for are getting a bit concerned by how over-budget her scheme is getting.
• Cool as Ice: Vanilla Ice — strange alien visitor from a distant planet.
• Scooby-Doo: Velma Dinkley: war criminal and stooge of the Bush Administration.
• The Expendables:
  • The various mating cries of the Washed Up '80s Action Star.
  • The boys are outraged that Michael Dudikoff is not getting a piece of this pie.
  • The Recently-Divorced Dad's encountered another humiliating setback in his personal life? Better put on The Expendables again...
• Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life: Billy Bob Thorton likes to watch Angelina Jolie cuck him with Gerard Butler. He's less thrilled when Joe-Don Baker joins in, though.
• Dante's Peak:
  • Tonight, the role of Pierce Brosnan Impersonation will be (inexplicably) played by James Mason.
  • Pierce Brosnan is an excellent instant stepdad to Linda Hamilton's kids, but he wouldn't entirely mind if they died horribly in a volcano and gave him some hot lovin' time with her either.
• While You Were Sleeping: The exploits of Righty^note or Lefty, depending on whether they remember which one is which and Bill, Peter Gallagher's eyebrows.
• Double Jeopardy: The noirish adventures of Egg Lawyer.
• Ricochet: The contestants on Shark Tank keep bringing in product ideas that will prove surprisingly useful in the event of a psychopath nemesis targeting you and your family for revenge.
• Saw II:
  • The police department IT unit cannot be bothered interrupting their lunch break for all this Jigsaw bullshit. Especially since the chief keeps clicking on dodgy links for online sex games.
  • Boomer Jigsaw made a man of himself with his own hard work, dammit! Well, that and the million dollar loan from his father. And the fact that he invented the sex swing.
• 10 to Midnight:
  • Charles Bronson's character has no idea what food is.
• The Firm:
  • Ghost School, and the many complexities of the post-death education system.
  • Easiest way to outfox Wilfred Brimley? Large lunches. He'll never suspect you're planning anything.
  • The unthinkable has happened: Gary Busey and Holly Hunter share scenes in the same movie. Terrible Impressionception results.

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