Release: December 30, 2008
Film: Jingle All the Way (1996)
This review contains examples of:
- Actually Pretty Funny: The Critic admits to liking the joke where Sinbad's "explosive device", thought to be a dud by the police, actually does explode. But he gets less and less amused when the movie cuts back to the cops, who are relatively unharmed and the one who opened the device ended up only covered in smoke. The line, "How many years on the bomb squad?" causes the Critic to accuse the movie of destroying the only funny joke in the movie.
- Brain Bleach: After Booster asks Howard if he's "Mary Poppins," the Critic has this reaction upon imagining Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mary Poppins.
- Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs: During the "Put that cookie down!" scene:Critic: (impersonating Howard) Stay away from my wife, stay away from my cookies, and stay away from my wife's cookies, or I'll destroy you!
- Captain Obvious: The Critic claims Howard's line "I didn't make it" (referring to making it to his son's karate promotion in time) to be this.Critic: ...Thanks, Arnold. I would never have figured that out if you didn't say something. What is this, movies for the blind?! (voicing Howard) I'm walking down the hallway, I stop to catch my breath, I look into an empty gym to emphasize what a douchebag I am!
- Confronting Your Imposter: Mocked by the Critic when Howard, dressed as Turbo Man, reveals himself to Jamie:Jamie: I wish that Dad could've been here, ya know, to see me fly and all... but he didn't come.
Howard: Your daddy's not mad at you.
Jamie: How do you know all that?
Critic: Yes, do tell, strange, muscle-bound, big-teeth, square-jawed, Austrian-accented He-Man who isn't in any way my father!
Howard: Well, who would know better than... (unmasks) me?
Jamie: Dad?!
Liz: Howard?
Critic: (startled stuttering) I haven't been this shocked since I found out the secret to living a long-lasting life... was breathing! - Disproportionate Retribution: The Critic kills Santa for giving him Jingle All the Way instead of Mario Kart Wii.
- Evil Sounds Deep:Howard: I'll be there. I promise. (Jamie smiles)
Critic: ...Am I the only one who thinks this touching moment looks relatively threatening?
Howard: I'll be there. (voice deepened to sound demonic) I PROMISE. - Genre Savvy: When the plot of the movie is apparently resolved by Howard taking advantage of the Turbo Man parade to finally give Jamie the Turbo Man doll he wanted (just before Myron shows up dressed as Turbo Man's arch enemy):
- Critic: All right. Yeah, I know the routine, yeah. I'm gonna say something like "Well, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean it was bad, but it wasn't horrible." And then, the movie's gonna surprise me with the shittiest part of the entire film! Well, I'm not gonna fall for it. Nope. I'm betting you anything that this is not the end of the movie.
(the movie continues with nothing happening)
Critic: Nope, nope. Not the end, not the end.
(the movie continues with still nothing happening)
Critic: ...Really? No surprises or anything? No last minute climax, no cheesy over-the-top special effects? Really? Okay, all right.
("the routine" happens — the Critic says he underestimated how bad the movie is, but then the aforementioned shittiest part of the movie begins)
Critic: Fuck you, movie! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
- Giving Up on Logic: When describing the movie's climax:Critic: So he's flying through the city and, uh, um... all right, ladies and gentlemen, the film just gave up. It clearly doesn't care about the story narrative or making any semblance of logical sense, so they just said "Fuck it!" and just started showing amusing images that would hopefully entertain your kids. Well, You Know What They Say: "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
(he puts on a pirate hat and does a goofy dance) - Manipulative Editing: The "I didn't make it" line he made fun of was a Call-Back to an earlier line, "I'm going to make it!", which the Critic does not include for the purposes of the joke.
- "Not So Different" Remark:Myron: (to Howard) You and I, we're the same kind of person, aren't we?
Critic: Yes, only he's successful, and you're not. - Running Gag: The Critic imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger in an exaggerated fashion, and saying things like "I eat you all!"
- Sting: When The Critic realizes that Jamie was played by Jake Lloyd, the same kid who did young Anakin Skywalker. The Critic runs off screaming and accidentally falls off the building he was in.Critic (from afar): My God, what a tall building!
- Subverted Catchphrase: "I'm rip-roarin' pissed! I remember it so you don't have to!"
