King of the Road
Gentlemen, start your engines...
Crypt Keeper: (wearing a tattered white shirt) Stella! STELLA! (notices the camera) Oh! Hello, plague-goers. I was just re-hearse-ing with my little theater group. I just love the slime-light. For tonight's dreary drama, I thought we'd try an ex-scare-imental piece about a retired drag racer who's afraid of getting to the finished line a little sooner than he wants. I call this nasty nugget: King of the Road.
Billy Drake (Brad Pitt) is a cocky and arrogant hoodlum with a talent for illegal drag racing. After "beating" his latest opponent, Billy sets his sights on local sheriff Joe Garrett (Raymond J. Barry) and his rebellious teenage daughter Carey (Michelle Bronson). Billy is drawn to Joe because of rumors that he was once a legendary drag racer known as "Iceman" in his youth, but Joe denies anything related to being a racer. That night, Billy finds Joe at the diner where Carey works as a waitress, insisting that Joe is indeed Iceman, who had an eight-year winning streak until he abruptly quit racing. After Joe again brushes him off and leaves, Carey quickly strikes up a relationship with Billy.
The next morning, Joe finds that Billy slipped an envelope and a live tarantula into his mailbox. Joe kills the spider, then sees the name "Iceman" written on the envelope, which is revealed to hold incriminating photos and newspaper clippings detailing a horrific accident that occurred during Iceman's last race, where his opponent died in a car crash. Iceman was suspected of being involved, but the police never caught him. An angered Joe tears up the evidence, but that night, Billy baits him into a high-speed chase during his beat. Joe is forced to break off his pursuit to avoid an oncoming truck, leaving Billy to get away. Joe learns of Billy's relationship with Carey when he comes across the two of them freshly exiting her bedroom. He assaults the young racer, who threatens to reveal his proof that Joe was once Iceman and wreck his reputation, but offers to keep it all a secret if Joe races him. Joe reluctantly agrees to Billy's offer, but finds out that Billy took Carey hostage as a bargaining chip, vowing that he'll kill her if Joe loses the race, tries in any way to cheat, or has someone else interfere with his plot.
After meeting his old mechanic Mole (Jack Kehler) and bringing his old racer out of storage, Joe meets Billy at the agreed-on time and place. Billy brings Carey along at gunpoint, and he gives her his pistol to fire as the starting signal. Joe talks her out of killing Billy on the spot when she takes the gun, promising to let him go free if he wins the race, or kill him if he loses. As the race begins, Joe and Billy gradually become neck and neck on the straightaway. Joe suddenly slams on his brakes and lets Billy zoom ahead, leaving him free to crash squarely into a bulldozer parked right on the road. As Joe walks up to the wreck, the barely-alive Billy flicks his lighter and drops it in a spill of gasoline in a last attempt to get the upper hand. Joe runs to safety just before Billy and his car go up in flames, and embraces Carey as the two return home, their bonds strengthened by the experience.
Tropes:
- Absurdly High-Stakes Game: Billy originally threatens to kill Carey if Joe loses the race, tries to cheat, or informs the authorities. After Billy lets her go, Joe offers to let the hood go free if he wins, or he'll kill him if he loses.
- The Ace: Joe used to be a perpetual winner in drag racing, to the point where his skills behind the wheel during the eight years he spent as Iceman have cemented him as a local legend, with Billy even telling him that he's heard all kinds of stories about him.
- All Girls Want Bad Boys: The kind and upstanding Carey is instantly attracted to proud bad boy Billy and his reckless driving, which enrages Joe. She quickly gets second thoughts when Billy kidnaps her and holds her at gunpoint to force her father into a race.
- As You Know: Joe's dispatch radio clues him in on who Billy is and lists his charges, just as it does for the audience.
- Ax-Crazy: Billy outright calls himself a psychopath during his and Joe's confrontation.
- The Big Race: The episode opens on one, where we see Billy run his latest opponent off the road and watches with glee as their car overturns. The episode's climax is set at a similar, one-on-one race between him and Joe, where Billy himself ends up dying.
- Black-and-Gray Morality: Explored between our two main characters:
- Billy is a proud lowlife with an extensive criminal record (with charges such as reckless driving, assault, and at least one charge of manslaughter that didn't stick), who doesn't even blink at the idea of kidnapping Carey and putting a bullet in her head in order to force Joe to race him, if not killing Joe himself.
- Joe is the town sheriff, but he was once a proud racer who fled from his last race after his opponent was killed in a fatal crash, and has spent 27 years keeping it a secret from the police to avoid manslaughter charges. The end of the episode hints that he may be planning to finally reveal his secret former life to the police and either retire or face his punishment, hoping to focus on protecting Carey.
- Blackmail: Once Billy is certain that Joe is Iceman, he sends incriminating photos and evidence of just why he retired to the man himself, and then kidnaps his daughter at gunpoint in the hopes of a race.
- Bookends: The episode begins and ends during a drag race where someone dies.
- Bound and Gagged: Billy does this to Carey to force Joe into racing him, and did so after she apparently started questioning him.
- Card-Carrying Villain: Billy is an unrepentantly vile hoodlum who relishes his life as a punk and a wanted criminal, has no problem killing other racers, and vows to ruin Joe's life and kill his daughter if he doesn't race him, all out of spite.
- Cool Car:
- Joe's old racer (a fuel-injected V8 '57 Chevy), which his trusted mechanic and friend Mole has polished and tuned up.
- Billy's got a pretty sweet ride himself, complete with a glowing-eyed skull he keeps on his dashboard.
- Crazy-Prepared: Mole, Joe's mechanic from his racing days, turns out to have kept his old racer in storage, just in case Joe ever wanted to get back behind the wheel.
- Damsel in Distress: In order to force Joe to agree to their race, Billy takes Carey hostage and keeps her in the trunk of his car, Bound and Gagged with bondage gear.
- Dark and Troubled Past: Twenty-seven years ago, Joe quit the racing scene and gave up his Iceman persona after the opponent of his last race crashed and died. He's kept it a secret for 27 years out of fear for being charged with manslaughter.
- Dark Is Not Evil: The '57 Chevy Joe drives in his showdown with Billy is matte black, and he wears a plain black leather jacket while driving it. This contrasts to Billy, who's driving a bright yellow Camaro with a Hot Paint Job (applied to his jacket rather than his car). The trope isn't played completely straight though, as Joe's car heralds back to his days when he was an illegal street racer.
- Dating What Daddy Hates: Billy manages to seduce Carey with his reckless way of life, and she's attracted to him during their time together, much to Joe's ire. Billy never actually loved her unfortunately, and was using her as a bargaining chip to entice Joe into racing him, kidnapping the poor girl and holding her at gunpoint to force Joe to agree to his demands.
- Deadly Delivery: Billy stuffs a live tarantula in Joe's mailbox, along with evidence regarding his previous life as a drag racer. Joe thankfully manages to kill the spider before he looks at the evidence.
- Drives Like Crazy: Considering that the main characters of the episode are a pair of drag racers (one active, the other retired), you can bet that there's gonna be some pretty wild driving.
- Earn Your Happy Ending: Joe manages to save his daughter's life and gets rid of their tormentor in the process. It's even hinted that he may finally spill the beans about his former life to the police and retire, hoping to be a more active presence in his daughter's life.
- Enemies List: Billy is shown to have the name of every racer who he's beaten/killed tattooed on his arm. He's seen adding Joe's name on the list just before their big race.
- Establishing Character Moment: Billy is first seen in a race against another dragster, which violently overturns. Billy hollers in celebration and kisses his skull ornament, showing that the suffering of other people means nothing to him.
- Evil Is Hammy: Billy, the punk who antagonizes Joe and kidnaps his daughter.
- Evil Wears Black: Billy only wears black in all of his scenes, emphasizing just how much of a wicked punk he is.
- Formula-Breaking Episode: This episode has absolutely no horror or supernatural themes, instead being an action-packed epic centered around a former drag racer being forced out of retirement to save his daughter's life.
- The episode is also one of the few in the series to feature an original soundtrack by a guest singer. In this case, Warren Zevon provides new tunes for this episode.
- It's not only one of three episodes made for the failed "Two-Fisted Tales" series, but it's also the only episode to feature a completely original story not based on a pre-existing EC Comics tale.
- The Crypt Keeper even lampshades just how vastly different this episode is from the rest of the series by presenting it as "an ex-scare-imental piece".
- For the Evulz: Billy aches to ruin Joe's life, seduces his beloved daughter, and threatens to kill her unless he races him, solely so he can beat the former legend and become the greatest drag racer alive.
- Hate Sink: Billy, who has no morals or sympathy whatsoever and nearly kills Carey to force her father into a last race.
- Homage: The episode can be seen as one to Rebel Without a Cause, given that protagonist Joe was a former racer who was forced to retire when his last opponent was horribly killed.
- Hostage Situation: Billy quickly takes Carey hostage to get Joe to race him, not afraid in the slightest to kill her if he loses, refuses, tries to cheat, or notifies the cops.
- Jerkass Has a Point: Billy ultimately forces Joe to let him go free when he finds him and Carey together when he starts bragging about what will happen when the police find out that he's been dodging manslaughter charges for 27 years.
- Karma Houdini: Though he manages to rescue Carey and get Billy out of his and her hair, Joe still remains unpunished for manslaughter over the death of his final opponent back in his racing days. Though if the ending is any indication, he may tell his colleagues down at the station and either face the music or retire from the force so he can protect Carey more.
- Loony Fan: Billy is shown to be an admirer of Joe's former identity as Iceman, and will do anything for the chance to beat him in a race... even kidnapping his daughter.
- Mandatory Unretirement: Joe was forced to retire from the racing life after his last opponent was killed, but he's forced to get back behind the wheel to save his daughter.
- Maniac Tongue: Billy is shown flapping his tongue like an excited dog when he's having a good time or anticipating a great victory, a testament to how deranged the man is.
- Missing Mom: Carey's mother is never mentioned, nor does she appear.
- Older Hero vs. Younger Villain: The middle-aged and respected sheriff Joe is pitted against the wild upstart crook Billy. The age difference is critical to both the plot and the overall emotional themes of the episode.
- One Last Job: Though he's left the world of racing behind him, Joe is forced to compete in a final race against Billy, with his daughter's life on the line.
- Outrun the Fireball: Joe does this when Billy blows up his wrecked car while he's still inside it, aching to take Joe with him.
- Papa Wolf: Joe is fiercely protective of Carey, so much so that he psyches himself up for a last race to save her against the punk who blackmails him and kidnaps her with intent to kill.
- Retired Badass: Though he hasn't raced in 27 years, Joe's race with Billy proves that he's very much kept his skill behind the wheel.
- Second Place Is for Losers: Billy has beaten or even killed every other racer who's challenged him, and he sets his sights on Joe and aches to beat him so he can finally be the best racer there ever was.
- Shout-Out:
- The Crypt Keeper plays the role of Stanley Kowalski in his opening segment.
- The episode's title is a reference to the 1965 Roger Miller song of the same name. The year the song was written is even the same year as Joe's last race.
- Significant Wardrobe Shift: When Joe shows up to race Billy, he's wearing denim jeans and a leather jacket like a young greaser, signifying that for the sake of the race, he's returned to his old persona.
- Special Guest: Warren Zevon provides the soundtrack to this episode, providing some heavy electric guitar for the action scenes, and a few new tunes for the emotionally-powerful moments.
- Stock Sound Effects: They can be heard on the TV Billy watches when Joe comes to visit him.
- Taking You with Me: Billy tries to do this to Joe after he crashes into the bulldozer, igniting his lighter and dropping it into the fuel leaking from his car. Thankfully, Joe is able to run to safety in time to avoid the car's explosion.
- That Man Is Dead: For most of the episode, Joe argues with Billy that Iceman is long gone, but the truth comes out when Joe sees what's in the envelope Billy sent him.
- Triumphant Reprise: Warren Zevon's song "Roll With the Punches" plays as Joe spruces up his old ride and meets Billy. The episode ends with the song playing again, after Billy has gotten himself killed and Joe and Carey are reunited.
- Villain Respect: Even after all the grief he puts Joe through and the underhanded means he uses to get him to accept his race offer, Billy still has a great deal of respect for him and his former life, even telling him upfront when he says he'll be killed if he loses.
- Watch Out for That Tree!: Billy is so distracted by Joe's sudden stop during their climactic race that he doesn't notice a bulldozer sitting smack in his way until it's too late.
Crypt Keeper: (now dressed in Shakespearean attire and reading a copy of Hamlet) Well, that certainly gives new meaning to the term "burn rubber." (cackles) As for me, I've got to get back to work. The group has decided to do something classical. We're trying to choose between A Midsummer Night's Scream and Ghoul-ius Caesar. (cackles) Care to watch from hack-stage? (cackles) You know what they say kiddies: "The slay's the thing!" (cackles)
