Airdate: Monday, December 15, 2003
Sender: Jordan
"Jor-Dan" asks Strong Bad what he would be like if he wasn't the "stylish, buff, handsome man in a wrestling mask" that he is.
Strong Bad imagines his hypothetical "kind of cool self" as a gangly, pot-bellied fellow who smells like pea soup (according to Homestar) and carries around a grocery bag full of half-melted candy bars, which he eats really loudly while standing too close to people in line. Comb-Over Strong Bad also has a tendency to creep out of bushes and greet people with phrases that are "almost one word and not quite another".
Homestar: Um... (sing-song) I don't know what that meeeans! And you still smell like pea soooup!
Finally, Comb-Over Strong Bad has a habit of greeting people like they're women, regardless of their actual gender.
Strong Mad: NOOOOO! (runs away, cut back to Strong Bad)
Strong Bad: That's a pretty cool guy right there. It's good to know that if I ever let myself go... grow a couple feet, live behind a bush... I'll be sitting pretty.
Strong Sad shows up to point out that Strong Bad's alternate self is pretty much a description of "Señor Cardgage", a creepy old man that lived down the street from the Brothers Strong when they were kids who was "extremely sketchy" and gave Strong Sad nightmares.
Strong Sad: Oh, never mind. Go back to your creepy comb-over story. (leaves)
Strong Bad: Anyways, Jor-dan, Creepy Comb-Over story Strong Bad is definitely a cool, cool guy. In fact, I wouldn't mind hanging out with a guy like that. Well, things certainly are looking up for the future. Me, I'm gonna go look up Senor Cardgage. See where that guy ended up.
(The Paper comes down)
Tropes:
- Accidental Misnaming: One of Senor Cardgage's quirks has him refer to others by random female names. In an Easter egg, he calls Strong Bad "Ethel".
- Big "NO!": When Creepy Comb-Over Strong Bad/Senor Cardgage asks him to find his spectacles, Strong Mad yells "NOOO!" and runs away.
- Broken Pedestal: Averted. After Strong Sad claims Senor Cardgage was "sketchy" and nightmare-inducing, Strong Bad is still excited enough to know he's real to seek him out.note
- Crazy Homeless People: Senor Cardgage lives in a bush, talks weird, generally acts sketchy, and consistently fails to identity the gender of other people.
- Malaproper: Senor Cardgage talks in a bizarre fashion with muddled word pronunciation.Senor Cardgage: "Oh, excardon me."
- Nightmare Fuel: Invoked, Strong Sad says Senor Cardgage "was extremely sketchy and gave me nightmares!"Strong Bad: And... What's not cool about giving you nightmares?
- No Sense of Personal Space: Senor Cardgage tends to stand way too close for comfort. Especially in line, while eating old candy.
- The Nose Knows: Homestar notes Senor Cardgage smells like pea soup, and tells him to his face, twice.
- Real After All: Senor Cardgage first appears to be a hypothetical version of Strong Bad who's "a different kind of cool", but Strong Sad reveals that he's actually a real person who lived down the street from the Brothers Strong when they were little.
Senor Cardgage: Thank you, ma'am. Would you care for a slice of gum?
Strong Bad: Yeah, totally, I'd be way into a slice of gum. (takes some gum from Cardgage) Man, so cool! Uh... Say something else.
Senor Cardgage: I have to be going, Ethel. I've got some important lines to stand in.
Strong Bad: Uh... will I ever see you again?
Senor Cardage: Ex-obably not. (walks away)
