Airdate: Monday, August 27, 2007
Sender: John Katulla
Strong Bad: (rapping) Step 1: You check an email down! Step 2: You tell some kid he's a dork!
Fifth grader John "Katulalalalala" tells Strong Bad that he recently had to watch a lame educational movie about personal hygiene, asking the wrestleman if he could make a better PSA about hygiene than the one he had to watch in school.
Strong Bad: Fifth grade boys?!?!! Man, what happened to the hot college girls that used to email me? You ladies stop your be-pantied pillowfighting and drop me a line! Yeah, I suppose I could make a cruddy hygiene movie for you, John. But wouldn't it be so much more satisfying to make a cruddy hygiene movie about you?
Cut to a brand new hygiene PSA titled "Say 'Hi' to Hygiene" from "Embarrassing Educational Films", starring "cruddy 5th grader" and "latchkey champion" John (played by Homestar) and the neatly-groomed, upper-class Gene (played by Strong Bad). Strong Bad proceeds to compare and contrast the two:
- John wears worn-out, unwashed clothes that smell like "chocolate milk with a stomach virus", while Gene has a young, hot, fashion-conscious mom who buys all his clothes.
- John wakes up every morning and forgets to wash his "stupid, dumb, stinking, fat, smelly [etc.]" face, while Gene's face is radiant enough to power a small light bulb.
- John's mouth is "an ecological trainwreck" to the point where it's infested with "rare South American moths", while Gene's mouth is clean enough that his saliva is sold as a wonder drug in South America.
- John's room is laden with leftovers and has squatters living in a laundry cave, while Gene has a team of maids and special effects artists who keep the "sixteen car pile-up of racecar beds" in his room "realistically smoldering and burning".
The news isn't all bad for John: while it's too late to change his hygiene and salvage his reputation, he can always reinvent himself at an out-of-state college when he grows up, while Gene will have to struggle to keep up his reputation, lest his fellow students turn on him like "a ravenous pack of hygiene wolves".
Strong Bad: Okay John, all done. I hope your classmates like my video. And don't worry, in 8 or 9 years you can just hide behind your new identity as a raver, a greaser, or a whatever ancient Egyptian teenagers called themselves. Now get outta here! None of the college hotties'll show up if you're hanging around, Mothmouth.
(New Paper comes down, displaying a faded "Calibration Test" instead of the usual "Click Here to Email Strong Bad")
Strong Bad: You know, New Paper, you keep sucking just enough to stay interesting.
(New Paper comes down, displaying a faded "Calibration Test" instead of the usual "Click Here to Email Strong Bad")
Strong Bad: You know, New Paper, you keep sucking just enough to stay interesting.
Tropes:
- Free-Range Children: Gene's mom lets him go for joy-rides in the family boat so he'll leave her alone when she's recovering from a "grown-up headache".
- Her Codename Was Mary Sue: Strong Bad casts himself as "popular rich kid Gene" while making Homestar play "cruddy fifth-grader John". But at the last second the trope is hilariously subverted, with John reinventing himself and turning his life around after moving to an out-of-state college, while Gene will have to spend the rest of his life (or at least the rest of fifth grade) struggling to keep up his reputation.
- Kids Are Cruel: The real message of Strong Bad's PSA. Since John's already known as a dirty, smelly kid, the only thing he can do to fix his reputation is move to a new state and start a new life in college — where being unshaven and laid back is cool. And despite how popular Gene is, his friends will all turn on him if he ever makes a single mistake.
- Lost Aesop: Played for laughs: Strong Bad gets so sidetracked by talking about how John sucks and Gene is awesome that he doesn't actually explain how to be hygienic.
- Once Done, Never Forgotten: According to Strong Bad, once a kid is known for smelling bad, that's going to be pretty much the only thing that any of the kids in the school will remember about them, no matter how much that kid tries to clean up.
- Overly Long Gag: Strong Bad gets so carried away slinging insults at John for not washing his face that the scene changes before he can finish his sentence.Strong Bad: Every morning, John wakes up and forgets to wash his stupid, dumb, stinking, fat, smelly, STUPID, DU—
- The Pig-Pen:
- John, as played by Homestar, is practically on the verge of getting his house condemned.
- An Easter egg shows that Coach Z's hygiene is as questionable as ever; he apparently thinks the shower-heads in the locker room are "drippy broken speakers".
- Popular Is Dumb: Gene is popular with his classmates and doesn't get good grades, demonstrated by a piece of paper taped to a fridge that says "G-, but sooo charming". By contrast, John has no friends and sits in the front row of the classroom.
- Punny Name: Hi, Gene!
- Right Way/Wrong Way Pair: Gene and John, respectively. The whole concept is played for humor in that at no point does Strong Bad actually describe how to be as popular, attractive, and successful as Gene; just describe over and over how great he is and how much John sucks, and when it actually comes down to explaining what John can do, the answer is "nothing", because the damage is already done. At the end, the positions of the duo are switched around when John gets the leeway to just reinvent his character in an out-of-state college, while Gene is stuck as a perfect model of hygiene whether he wants it or not, and the slightest slip up will result in the other 5th graders tearing him to shreds.
- Smash Cut: At one point during the PSA, Strong Bad's narration gets derailed as he straight-up insults John's face. To get the short back on-track, it cuts ahead to the next scene while Strong Bad is in mid-sentence.
- Take That, Audience!: Strong Bad's PSA is a long extended Take That! to the sender of this week's email.
(Cut to the classroom, where Strong Bad has just finished showing Coach Z the hygiene film he made.)
Coach Z: I love it! Where can I get me some of this hygiene?
Strong Bad: You know, for a guy that lives about ten feet from a bunch of showers, you'd think you'd be a little more familiar.
Coach Z: What showers?
Strong Bad: Uh, that big tiled room with all the shower heads coming out of the wall?
Coach Z: I thought thems were my drippy broken speakers! I got mad four-inch tweeters, B!
Coach Z: I love it! Where can I get me some of this hygiene?
Strong Bad: You know, for a guy that lives about ten feet from a bunch of showers, you'd think you'd be a little more familiar.
Coach Z: What showers?
Strong Bad: Uh, that big tiled room with all the shower heads coming out of the wall?
Coach Z: I thought thems were my drippy broken speakers! I got mad four-inch tweeters, B!
