Wine and Roses
The phone rings in Johnny’s room, and he has trouble answering but Stevie tells him she put it through. Moira asks who it is. Johnny says Herb Ertlinger from the winery, the only guy who has gotten back to me on his proposal. Johnny panics, and Moira has Stevie patch it through to the kids’ room. Johnny tells David to answer, but Alexis says he has his headphones in. Johnny says she should answer it, and she does. She cheerfully says the caller has the wrong room and her parents are in Room 6. Moira tries to answer it, but it doesn’t work.
David asks Alexis if you can get a heart murmur from lack of sleep because he hasn’t slept since they arrived. He thinks his body is shutting down. Alexis is stretching for a run and says she knows little about heart murmurs. David says his pulse is irregular, and she replies she’s tried to find her pulse many times and nothing. They banter back and forth about his health and age. (He’s basically 29.) She leaves.
Herb Ertlinger is giving Johnny and Moira a tour of his fruit winery, and he’s excited about it. He says their fruit is 100% insecticide free. Moira is sipping the wine but then spits it out. She says there is something in it, and he replies a ladybug. After he leaves to answer a call, Moira complains about the wine. Johnny agrees but says its a business even though it’s next to a former landfill. Herb returns with a bottle for them, and Johnny and Moira feign gratitude. Johnny offers his business help, but Herb politely says they want Moira’s help. They want her to be their spokesperson. He and his wife were big fans of Sunrise Bay, and they would like her to do some commercials if she likes the wine. She replies its fruit wine, what’s not to like.
David bursts into the lobby and tells Stevie Web MD says he’s having a pulmonary embolism as opposed to a heart attack, which is much worse. She is nonplussed. She says he looks good, and he replies that’s just how he looks. She says the only hospital is in Elmdale, and he asks if there is a doctor in town or if people drop dead in the streets. She says there is technically a doctor. He asks her to take him to the doctor.
David is at a Veterinary Clinic, telling Dr. Ted Mullens that he’s not sleeping and there is a lack of oxygen to his heart. Ted jokes that they were way too far from a hospital for him to make it through the night. He asks about David’s feces, and then kindly says that he doesn’t think David needs an ambulance. He’s having a panic attack. David says those aren’t real. They are PR spin for celebrity publicists. Ted patiently says they are a real thing and asks about his stress and anxiety. David says he went from living in a 2500 square foot live/work space in Soho to a motel room with my sister. Ted replies that will do it.
At the motel, Moira rehearses her commercial in the mirror. Johnny watches. Moria doesn’t like the script and makes some edits. She says he’s not a good writer but the wine is potable. Johnny snarks that she called it liquid stink that morning, but Moira replies the whites are less stinky. Johnny also snarks on the quality of the tote bags. She senses his negativity and asks if this is about him turning Johnny’s offer down. Johnny denies it but continues to criticize the wine and Herb, and she replies this is the first acting role she’s had in a long time. She even hints that this might be a comeback for her, and he says he’ll be in her corner.
Alexis and Mutt are picking up trash by the side of the road, and Alexis is exclaiming “Eww, Eww, Eww.” Mutt tells her she has to open her eyes but eventually just picks up the trash. He asks her why she always dresses up for this, and she says Naomi Campbell wore Dolce & Gabbana for her community service. They banter. It starts to rain, and she squeals. He takes her by the hand, and they run to the barn. She admires the interior, and they banter about clothes and laundry. He gives her some dry clothes. She gazes as he takes off his shirt.
Johnny tries to talk shop to the director for the commercial, who is at first patient but then walks away. Alexis walks into the motel and finds David in bed. He says he’s on day two of a panic attack, and she replies they aren’t real. He says they are, and she says she somehow agreed to take a yoga class. He says that might help him calm down. She says she’s not going, and he insists. He says it’s “his turn to take a selfish.” She says it's her turn. He reminds her of Dubai in 2010 and a blind date that went terribly wrong. She agrees to go.
Moira chats with the makeup artist, who is saying Johnny is making people nervous. Johnny arrives and is unsure of the outfit that Moira reminds him they chose together. A cheese and fruit plate that Moira ordered arrives, and Johnny sends it away. Moira gently tells Johnny he’s making everyone nervous and tells him to go home. He leaves, and her makeup artist tells her she looks good. She disagrees.
David and Alexis arrive at the barn to find Mutt and Twyla. Twyla is excited they are there and tells them its a pairs class so partner up. David and Alexis refuse to touch each other. Jocelyn is there, and she cheerfully asks David to be her partner. Roland couldn’t make it because of a bad burrito, and they both agree that it was a good choice he didn’t come. Twyla tells Alexis to partner up with Mutt. Jocelyn tells David this will be good for him, and she knows about his nervous breakdown from Ted, who didn’t name names but she figured it out when Ted said it was something
Moira is shooting her commercial, but she keeps flubbing her lines. Johnny is getting a lift back to the motel from a PA, but they hear that Moira is having issues. She locked herself in her trailer, and someone over the walkie talkie says “That fucking bitch gets her fucking ass out of the trailer.” Johnny says he should probably get back in the car.
Twyla is leading the class, and David is telling Jocelyn about his feelings of displacement. She says he’s talking, but he should have more sex. Sex puts her right to sleep. The partners are massaging their partners who are in down dog position. David is getting massaged by Jocelyn, and Alexis is massaging Mutt. She is babbling about his body. Twyla tells Alexis to hold Mutt’s back harder for support. She grabs his thighs, and Twyla says he should support his own thighs. Alexis apologizes.
Johnny knocks on the door of the trailer. Moira drunkenly says she blew it and doesn’t know how to do it anymore. He tells her how to unlock the door. She says it’s the acting, but the door unlocks. He enters, and she’s on the other side of the trailer drinking wine. He asks how she unlocked the door, and she says she threw a shoe. She asks for another glass of the awful wine, and he says they are saying she’s doing great. She says no. They argue about whether she can do it. He tells her she was drunk most of season three, half of season four and season five of Sunrise Bay. He tells her she’s daytime’s brightest star. She says she’s going to nail it.
Alexis lies on top of Mutt and breathes. David lies on top of Jocelyn and says she burnt her sausage casserole. David says he’s really lonely. Twyla tells them to switch positions, but David is asleep, lightly snoring.
Moira’s commercial, which is shown in total
, starts well until she starts slurring her words, especially slurring over the name of the winery.
Snarkiest Person in Schitt's Creek: Johnny Rose
Tropes that Appear in This Episode
- Catchphrase: “Eww” from Alexis.
- Bad Liar: Johnny tells Moira she’s doing great, but she doesn’t believe him. One of the first of many times his lies will not be believed.
- Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: Jocelyn may be eccentric, but she’s very kind to David. This will continue throughout the show.
- Happily Married: Johnny and Moira, despite their hardships, are very supportive of each other. The seemingly insensitive Moira does realize this is hard for Johnny, and he, in turn, takes care of her during her panic. As disastrous as it is, they are devoted to one another.
- Kindly Vet: Ted is a Nice Guy and very patient with David.
- Lady Drunk: Moira drinks way too much fruit wine, and was apparently drunk for the entire second season of Sunrise Bay. And the second half of the third. And the end of the fifth.Moira: Oh my god, did I have a drinking problem?!
- Nobody Poops: Averted. There are several rather delicate poop jokes as the writers continue to trade on the show’s name without crossing the line into crass.
- The Perfectionist: Moria rehearses her commercial and makes good edits to the script, indicating the strong work ethic she brings to all her acting jobs.
- Soap Within a Show: Sunrise Bay continues to inform Moira's identity, and it gets her a job in this episode.
- Sibling Yin-Yang: The contrasting personalities of the Rose children continue to develop, with her being the free spirit and him being the sad sack.
- Unresolved Sexual Tension: Mutt and Alexis have plenty of this.
- Walking Shirtless Scene: Yet again, Mutt takes off his shirt.
- Weak, but Skilled: Moira is a terrible actor, but damn if she doesn't give it 100%, even doing extra work off camera to make the show its best.
- White-Dwarf Starlet: Moira feels she's lost her ability as an actress, which was likely never more than so-so.
