"Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car?"
Kinga Forrester: Jonah, your experiment is a fantasy quest full of magic and whiny brats, in which the most charismatic character... is a hat.
TV's Son of TV's Frank: I'll tell you who was living in a fantasy world—the people who thought they were making a watchable movie!
TV's Son of TV's Frank: I'll tell you who was living in a fantasy world—the people who thought they were making a watchable movie!
Film Featured: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.
The Segments:
Prologue- Max asks his journal how to make Kinga reciprocate his love. He also finds a giant key, which fits perfectly into a giant keyhole in Moon 13's wall—and which controls a giant metal serpent in the ceiling.
Segment 1
- Invention exchange time. Jonah invents Verbal Smoke Bombs—excuses and non-sequiturs guaranteed to end any awkward conversation. Kinga invents the Sponsor Clock, by selling the rights to name every hour of the day to major brands.
Segment 2
- Jonah and the bots speculate about how Kor earned his title "The Conqueror."
Segment 3
- Inspired by the movie, Tom Servo tries to summon an army of zombies. Jonah the Conqueror sings a song to remind Tom to be a little more patient. Puberty metaphors abound.
Segment 4
- Jonah and the bots reply to more fan mail: a drawing of Tom Servo with a massive head, wondering where everyone else is, and another drawing of the whole SOL crew trapped in...mind prisons?
Segment 5
- Jonah and the bots advertise the official Wizards of the Lost Kingdom Suicide Cave play set. Kinga and Max ominously foreshadow that this film... has a sequel...
Tropes featured in the MST3K presentation of Wizards of the Lost Kingdom:
- Accidental Hero: Jonah and the bots suggest that this is how Kor became known as "the Conqueror" despite being a doughy drunk.Jonah: Maybe he's been the beneficiary of a lot of bizarre coincidences, like, you know, he was fighting a dragon and then the dragon had an aneurysm.Crow: Or he was attacked by a forest troll who then fell into a stream and drowned.
- The Alcoholic: Hardly a stretch, since wine appears to be Kor's only motivation. Jonah and the bots crack a few jokes about calling Kor's Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor.
- And I Must Scream: The princess hypocritically gets annoyed with the statue that Simon brings to life to impress her:Crow (imitating the statue): Kill me! Kill me!!
Aura: Oh, shut up!
Tom Servo (as statue): Oh, I'm sorry, were my cries of pain too loud for you? - Angst? What Angst?: The gang notes how creepy it is for Kor to be mugging and cracking jokes after murdering several people.
- Anti-Climax: The movie is absolutely full of them, and the guys are aware of every one. Right as Kor is about to face off against three armed lizard-men, Jonah gets excited, claiming the movie might finally get a decent action sequence—and they all scatter. When they return with a gigantic warrior, he just knocks Kor down and gets immediately blown up by Simon's magic. Even the final battle against Shurka is a huge letdown.Servo: You know, that was magically anticlimactic.
- Badass Bystander: When Shurka's soldiers attack a random farm, a George Harrison-looking farmer puts up a surprisingly good fight against them — prompting Crow to wish that guy could have been the movie's hero. "Oh, this guy's a badass! Can we trade Kor for him?" Of course he then promptly gets filled full of arrows. "Ohh. Maybe not..."
- The Beard:Shurka: I intend to rule Axholme. I will need a queen at my side.
Crow: (as Shurka) You know, to stop the rumors and all. - Bridezilla: Because Princess Aura seems to spend all of her screen time judging Simon.Princess Aura: You do want to marry me, don't you?!
Jonah: Child bridezilla! - Call-Back: "What would Dick Van Patten do?"
- Catchphrase:Kor: Hold it.
Servo: (as Kor) That's my catch phrase. Copyright, trademark me. - Celebrity Resemblance: Within minutes of meeting Kor, Jonah and the bots call him "twitchy Gordon Ramsay" and "fat Sting", and a later close-up on his eyes prompts "Kenneth Brannagh?"
- Comically Small Bribe: According to Tom Servo, Shurka got the loyalty of the soldiers by giving them Vikings tickets.
- Companion Cube:
- The villain's crab-shaped hat is turned into its own separate character named Crabby.
- "You know, they auditioned dozens of waterfalls for this role, but when this waterfall was in the room with Simon, the chemistry was just electric."
- Department of Redundancy Department: Discussed. When the narration talks about magic and sorcery, Jonah asks what the difference is. Servo responds that Sorcery is an inborn talent, whereas Magic is a skill based on book learning.
- Disqualification-Induced Victory: One theory for why Kor is "The Conqueror": the actual Conqueror had his title stripped for using steroids, so Kor became the Conqueror by default.
- Dissimile: "It's like The Lord of the Rings without all the fancy, good stuff."
- Enforced Method Acting: Jonah: Whoa, a real, on-camera explosion, no digital effects. See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake.
- Ensemble Dark Horse (in universe): Crabby! The hat that Kinga mentions in her intro is in the movie merely part of Shurka's outfit, but Jonah and the bots make it out to be so much more.
- Face–Heel Turn: The score takes a slightly dark turn as Simon and Gulfax intimidate/bully Shurka's dwarf minion into giving them the Ring of Power:Jonah: This music means they're the bad guys now.
- Finger Poke of Doom: The gang notes how the inept fight choreography often has Kor killing mooks simply by shoving them.
- Framed for Heroism: Another theory for how Kor became "The Conqueror": his "victories" were all a bunch of bizarre coincidences. He fought a dragon that suddenly died from an unrelated heart condition; he fought an evil witch who spontaneously combusted; that sort of thing.
- Full-Circle Revolution: Tom Servo and Crow are convinced that Simon, once he gets the throne, will become just as evil as Shurka, and have to be overthrown himself:Crow: And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle may begin anew.
Servo: A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same. - Funny Background Event: During the final Moon 13 segment, Synthia forms a bird-shape with her hands and flaps the wings over and over — like a less-coordinated version of Napoleon Dynamite's sign language song.
- Fusion Fic: According to Jonah, one scene of the film is "a Gladiator / Little House on the Prairie mash-up."
- He Also Did: Upon noticing that James Horner scored this film:note Crow: Ah, yes. Braveheart, Aliens, Avatar, and this movie.
Servo: Yeah, when Cameron was scoring Titanic, he said, "I want that Wizards of Lost Kingdom sound." - Hypocritical Humor:Kor: Soldiers, be they dead or alive, [...] deserve some respect.
Crow: So let's go kill us some soldiers, huh? I'm buying. - Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy:Tom: So how come wizards have such terrible aim?
Jonah: Must be all the extra fabric in their sleeves; throws off their movements. - Incredibly Lame Fun: "I hope your wildest dreams include rose petals, because that's kind of all we've got right now."
- I Need to Go Iron My Dog: Jonah's "Verbal Smoke Bombs" include such bizarre conversation-enders as "Gotta go, I can't feel my arms!" and "Whoops, the unborn twin I absorbed in the womb is trying to fight its way out of me!"
- Inferred Holocaust: The movie ends with Simon as the heir apparent. Tom Servo and Crow describe how, obviously, Simon's going to enact a bloody purge of Shurka loyalists, go mad from paranoia, and become a theocratic tyrant.note
- The Load: They point out how Gulfax, for all his attention-getting appearance, never does a damn thing throughout the whole movie.
- Licking the Blade: When Simon fights off a phantom, Crow encourages him afterwards: "Come on. Lick it. First kill. Come on, lick the sword. Lick it."
- Metaphorically True: Jonah and the bots' last theory for Kor's title, "the Conqueror": that he earned it by doing something much more mundane. Say, by "conquering" a seventeen-platter dinner at a greasy spoon diner, or by "conquering" the high score on Frogger at the local pizza parlor.
- Micro Monarchy: "Legendary magical kingdom, population: twenty-two."Jonah: Help me reign over my lobby-palace and 800 square feet of a kingdom.
- My Friends... and Zoidberg:Kor: Soldiers, be they dead or alive...
Servo: Or middle-aged. - Nonuniform Uniform: During the battle as Shurka attacks Axhome: "I've never seen uniforms that are so un-uniform."
- Obsessively Organized: Jonah jokes that Simon must have OCD, since his clothes are spotless even after all his adventures.
- Ow, My Body Part!: "My lower G.I.!"
- Put Their Heads Together: Jonah tells Tom Servo and Crow to knock off their Crypt Keeper impressions. When they persist, he knocks their skulls together to shut them up.
- Questionable Casting: Jonah and the bots specifically call out the scrawny actor who plays the phantom warrior as being wholly unsuited to the role.
- Rooting for the Empire: When Acrasia (the insect woman) attacks Simon, the bots are evenly split between rooting for Simon and rooting for Acrasia.
- Running Gag:
- Many, many jokes featuring "Crabby", the villain's supposedly sentient, wisecracking, crab-shaped hat.
- Every time Kor draws or sheaths his sword, he cuts himself.
- Shout-Out:
- Chanting the Trashmen's Surf Rock Ear Worm "Surfin' Bird (Bird Is the Word)" to the tune of the Winkies' "Oh-ee-oh" marching song from The Wizard of Oz during the march of the bird-helmet soldiers at the beginning.Jonah and 'Bots: BUH-UUURR-UURD, BIRD IS THE WORD, BUH-UUUUUR-URRD...
- The riff about the Suicide Cavern is done in the style of Statler and Waldorf. Doh-ho-ho-hoh!
- The bots make a Hurricane of Puns a la the Cryptkeeper from Tales from the Crypt.
- The phantom warrior who attacks Simon is a scrawny, unintimidating dork, so the guys opt to give him lines from Napoleon Dynamite.
- As a soldier runs away while the film is sped up, "The Wizard of Speed and Time of the Lost Kingdom."
- Chanting the Trashmen's Surf Rock Ear Worm "Surfin' Bird (Bird Is the Word)" to the tune of the Winkies' "Oh-ee-oh" marching song from The Wizard of Oz during the march of the bird-helmet soldiers at the beginning.
- Soundtrack Dissonance:
- "Something's happening! I can tell by the music! Oh, maybe not."
- "Surprisingly upbeat music for a scene featuring a woman being shot in the back with an arrow."
- Special Effect Failure: "It's less Medieval Times and more Medieval Tim's."Crow: He's caught between a rock and a fake place.
- Sticks to the Back: Kor has his sheath slung across his back, so every time he draws or sheaths his weapon: "Oh, that really cut my back, actually. Oh."
- Stock Footage: Because the prologue was cobbled together from footage of other Roger Corman-produced sword & sorcery films, the result is a rapid succession of people who look like they should be major characters—but aren't.Crow: Jonah, I'm having a hard time keeping track of the characters in this movie. We're two minutes in, and I've seen like 90 people.
Servo: Maybe this is the menu, and we have to click on one of these to choose the story we want. - The Stoner: In the opening minutes, the riffers turn some kind of wizard duel into a stoner's get-together.Jonah: Uh, Kev, you're green dude. This is some dank weed. [laughs]
Servo: Can you even hear me when you're green, man? Oh, no, he's gone! That's harsh! [normal voice] And I'm all out of stoner jargon. - Surveillance as the Plot Demands: "Does everyone in this kingdom have the power to spy on each other?" They also naturally point out how Shurka is spying on Simon immediately after a scene where Simon casts a spell to stop him doing that.
- Take Our Word for It: "Wow. Kor's a good swordsman when it's too dark to actually see what he's doing."
- Tempting Fate: Every time Jonah and the bots get excited about an upcoming action scene, it just winds up being another Anti-Climax.Jonah: Okay. You know, movie, I doubted you before, but Kor the Conqueror versus three wicked-ass demon men? This is gonna be great. Ha ha ha!
[The demon-men run away instead of fighting.]
Jonah: And I'm disappointed again. - Totally Radical: "This is so lame. I'm gonna go to my room and text emojis or whatever teens do."
- Visual Gag: When a vine-covered pillar is in the foreground, Crow climbs up it to see if there are any treasure chests at the top.
- What Measure Is a Mook?: The only sign that Kor the "Conqueror" deserves his title is the fact he kills four men without blinking an eye.
