"If I intend to win this Deathmatch, and defend the honor of Hollywood, I'm gonna need to become evil and deranged and, well, a real jerk. So I've decided to spend the next six month inside this tiny steel box, where I will be poked repeatedly with a cattle prod, until I've lost all my social skill."
—Tom Hanks
The fourteenth episode of the second season of Celebrity Deathmatch, also known as The Laser Pointer.
This episode consists of three pre-determined fights. The first undercard fight features the knighted British musician Elton John taking on heavy metal icon Ozzy Osbourne. The second undercard fight features home-maker Martha Stewart taking revenge on comedian Sandra Bernhard. The main event of the night features a duel of Hollywood icons, nice-guy Tom Hanks and bad boy Sean Penn.
This episode contains examples of:
- Armor Is Useless: John's armor, while effective against Osbourne's punches and kicks, is quite easily destroyed after he is picked up and thrown around the ring.
- Asshole Victim: Penn certainly fits this trope.
- Attack Backfire: Osbourne tries repeatedly to punch, kick, and even headbutt John, but only ends up injuring himself every time.
- Berserk Button:
- Nick doesn't take kindly to being blinded by laser pointers, and orders the Deathmatch security team to extract the culprit and eliminate them.
- Hanks finally strays from his nice-guy persona and becomes enraged when Penn starts attacking a member of the paparazzi for taking their picture.
- Beware the Nice Ones: After his Berserk Button has been pushed, Hanks proceeds to break both of Penn's legs before effortlessly killing him.
- Blinding Camera Flash: Penn is momentarily blinded when a member of the paparazzi takes a picture of him preparing to attack Hanks.
- Bling of War: The lower half of John's armor resembles a series of piano keys.
- Bury Your Gays: Osbourne wins his fight against John.
- By the Hair: Twice by Stewart - first, during the flashback sequence when she grabs Bernhard and punches her in front of her dinner guests, and again during the fight when Stewart rips out a handful of Bernhard's hair to mop up some spilled champagne.
- Call-Back: Both Nick and Johnny both refer back to Queen Elizabeth's previous appearance on the show as Charles III's trainer.
- Much like that episode, John turns on Queen Elizabeth and attacks her after his perceived victory.
- The Cameo: This episode features appearances from Elizabeth II.
- Chandelier Swing: For the second fight, the ring had been decorated with a chandelier (among other upper-class decor). Bernhard grabs the chandelier during the fight and swings from it with enough momentum to kick Stewart into the ring post furthest away.
- Compliment Backfire: Throughout the main event, Hanks continually offers compliments and praise for Penn's work. Penn does not appreciate any of them.
- Cool Shades / Sinister Shades: Penn wears sunglasses in his appearance. He is not seen without them, even in death.
- Cruel and Unusual Death: After gluing Bernhard to the mat, Stewart takes an ice-cream scoop and uses it to extract Bernhard's innards and make Christmas ornaments out of them.
- Dismembering the Body: After scooping out her innards, Stewart then cuts up Bernhard's body to store in Tupperware.
- Dramatic Spine Injury: Hanks rips out Penn's spinal cord to win the fight.
- Electric Torture: In an effort to toughen himself up, Hanks voluntarily confines himself to a tiny steel box where he is repeatedly electrocuted with a cattle prod for six months.
- Everyone Knows Morse: When Nick announces that he has hired the Deathmatch security team to search the audience for the person pointing a laser pen at him, Johnny notices that the pointer is blinking in Morse code, that he is quickly able to decipher.Nick: "What does it say?"Johnny: "...Eat...me..."
- Excalibur in the Stone: Queen Elizabeth tries to assist John by throwing the legendary Excalibur into the ring. Too bad that John can't pull it out of the stone.
- Eye Scream: Before their fight even begins, Stewart shakes a bottle of champagne, popping the cork directly into Bernhard's eye with enough force that her eyeball is seen hanging out the back of her head.
- Fork Fencing: Bernhard attacks Stewart with a spoon, before Stewart tells her she should have used the "stabbing fork".
- Formal Full Array of Cutlery: Stewart implies that the table she prepared for the ring decor contains a selection of cutlery, when she tells Bernhard about the stabbing fork.
- Gasshole: During the flashback to Stewart's dinner party, Bernhard loudly and crudely announces that asparagus gives her gas. During the fight, after inadvertently destroying Stewart's floral centerpiece, Bernhard farts on the flowers and throws them directly in Stewart's face.
- Glove Slap: John removes one of his gauntlets and slaps Osbourne across the face for disrespecting Queen Elizabeth II before the fight.
- Groin Attack: John repeatedly kicks Osbourne in the groin, only to find that Osbourne was (partially) protected by a cucumber.
- I'm a Humanitarian: Osbourne bites off John's head and attempts to swallow it whole...it almost doesn't end well for him.
- If I Can Only Move: Stewart pins Bernhard to the mat and and glues her head to the ground. Bernhard tells Stewart to get off of her arms, presumably so that she can attack her.
- Improbable Weapon User: At one point during their fight, Bernhard attacks Stewart from a distance by throwing dinner plates at her.
- Laser Sight: Throughout the episode, Nick is subjected to a laser pointer being shone in his eye and around his face by someone from the audience.
- Mistaken Death Confirmation: After he collapses to the floor, Osbourne is announced as dead after John repeatedly jumps on his back. However, Osbourne regains consciousness moments later and saves Queen Elizabeth from an envious John.
- Muscles Are Meaningless: Considering the size and weight of the stone that the Excalibur is embedded into, and considering her age, Queen Elizabeth II effortlessly picks up the stone and throws it into the ring.
- No-Sell: For all the time John was wearing his armor, all of Osbourne's attacks had this effect.
- Not Quite Dead: Osbourne is incorrectly presumed dead after John repeatedly jumps on his back. He regains consciousness soon after.
- Off with His Head!: Osbourne manages to bite off John's head.
- Paparazzi: Someone in the audience from the paparazzi unintentionally disrupts the main event and draws Penn's ire for it.
- Punishment Box: In order to prepare himself for the fight, Hanks voluntarily confines himself to a small steel box.
- Royals Who Actually Do Something: Not only does Queen Elizabeth II help John during the fight, she also performs the Heimlich manoeuvre on Osbourne when he starts choking on John's head.
- Rubber Man: During the main event, Penn ties Hanks' hands to one ring post, then stretches him across the ring to tie his feet to the opposite post.
- Sticky Situation: Stewart wields a hot glue gun and uses it to stick Bernhard to the ground.
- Torture Is Ineffective: Despite spending six months in a small steel box and being repeatedly shocked with a cattle prod, in an attempt to prepare for his fight against Penn, Hanks emerges from it without losing a single ounce of niceness.
- True Blue Femininity: Just like her appearance last season, Queen Elizabeth II returns wearing the same blue cardigan.
- Uncleanliness Is Next to Ungodliness: Bernhard is portrayed as someone who not only lacks manners, but also lacks hygiene.
- Universally Beloved Leader: Queen Elizabeth II, of course.
- Visible Odor: Hanks, after emerging from his steel box after six months, briefly emits a foul green cloud of odor.
- Walking Shirtless Scene: Osbourne is only shown wearing black pants and shoes during his appearance.
- Walking Swimsuit Scene: Bernhard is only ever shown wearing a purple bikini, both during the fight and during the flashback to Stewart's dinner party.
- Wine Is Classy: After stuffing her face with Stewart's pre-fight appetisers, Bernhard quite rudely asks her for wine.
- Would Harm a Senior: In a throwback to her appearance last season with Prince Charles, John becomes envious of Queen Elizabeth II. He starts punching her and demands she surrender her crown. When she tells him that he's not blood-related and can never be king (or, in his own words, queen), John executes a piledriver on her.
