Recap / Birds of a Feather S8E5: Can't Judge a Book

Dorien: I was forced by this judgmental, ageist society to play the role of the...

Tracey: Tired ol' trollop?

Sharon: Sad ol' slapper?

Tracey: Tragic ol' trout?

Dorien: Oh, shut up!

— Dorien Green being mocked by Tracey Stubbs and Sharon Theodopolopodous.

• Date First Aired: 02/02/1998

Sharon and Tracey are at the doctor, where Sharon is recommended by Dr. Drummond to start eating healthily and lose weight. Tracey thus bets Sharon £50 that she can get thin enough to get into her wedding dress by the 30th. Meanwhile, Dorien has met a man named Richard, and he wants her to come to the gala ball. However, the sisters claim that she's beginning to get too old and suggest she start dressing like them. However, her attempts are hindered by the return of Melanie Fishman, who mocks her appearance, so she takes to going back to her normal style.

As the sister's new employee Dominic fails to show up for cleaning, Sharon's attempts are hindered by her husband Chris, who reveals that he has started going out with a fat woman who is much like Sharon. However, Sharon does manage to succeed in this, although not without difficulty getting into the dress. Soon, the true nature of Dominic is revealed - he wasn't having sex with their clients at all, instead giving them massages.

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Tropes in this episode:

• Accidental Misnaming: Tracey gets a letter that misnames her surname of "Stubbs" as "Stibbs".
• Alliterative Name: Bog Breath Barrett.
• All Men Are Perverts: Sharon doesn't trust Dominic for this reason:
  Sharon: He's a bloke, Trace. He prob'bly thinks "flash" is a verb.
• The Bet: Sharon bets Tracey £50 that by the 30th, she can get herself thin enough to fit in her wedding dress. She succeeds, although not without difficulty.
  Sharon: Piece o' cake.
  Tracey: What? Me winnin'?
  Sharon: No. What I'll eat when I've won.
• Brief Accent Imitation: Sharon copies David Coleman's voice when she says "extraordinary" to describe her latest run.
• Canis Latinicus:
  • Sharon claims that there is a proper Latin term for being big-boned in "Biggus Bonus".
  • Tracey retorts that there is a portion of spinach with Sharon's name on it - "Fattus Arsus".
  • Sharon later on mentions a "Skinnius Buttus" when she starts to lose weight.
• Celebrity Crush: Sharon would love to win Colin Firth in a contest and lick ice cream off his body.
• Celebrity Resemblance: Tracey and Sharon think they look like Debbie Harry and Kate Bush respectively (though Tracey thinks Sharon is more like Meat Loaf).
• Chocolate of Romance: Richard gives Dorien chocolate alongside the promise to meet him at the Chigwell charity gala ball.
• Chubby Chaser: Chris falls in love with similarly overweight to Sharon Josie.
• Comfort Food: Sharon wants to have deep-fried Mars Bars as her newest addition to the many she already has.
• Continuity Nod:
  • A brief mention is made of the time Chris took a creative writing class.
  • Chris mentions how Sharon had given up on the fight to clear his name.
  • Tracey reminds Sharon of how Chris tried to leave her for Tina from Cyprus.
• Copycat Mockery: Sharon uses a nasal voice to mock the voice on the train intercom.
• Did You Get a New Haircut?: Chris fails to notice that Sharon has lost weight and at one point wonders if she's stopped wearing glasses (keep in mind the fact that Sharon has never worn glasses) or had a haircut.
• Diet Episode: Sharon is told by her doctor that she's overweight and bets Tracey that she can lose weight using a diet. She succeeds (with difficulty) and is off the diet by the episode's end.
  Sharon: Four pounds! I've lost four pounds! And "Fattus Arsus" is about to gain fifty straight out o' your purse!
• Driven to Suicide: Chris reveals that he got suicidal after Sharon stopped calling him and his family washed their hands of him.
• A Good, Old-Fashioned Paint Watching: Sharon claims that she couldn't come to see Chris last month as she had to watch some paint dry.
• The Ghost:
  • Irey, a silly tart who used to work for Maids of Ongar and mistook Mrs. Kingston's Shih Tzu for a bog brush.
  • Mrs. Rosen and Mrs. Norton, customers of Maids of Ongar's.
• I Am Big Boned: Sharon insists that she is not fat, but big-boned:
  Sharon: I'm big-boned. I always have been, haven' I, Trace. I expect there's a proper Latin name for it. Erm... "Biggus Bonus".
• Maternity Crisis: Sharon hears Dominic giving Tracey a massage and believes she's going into labour.
• Mirror Character: Josie to Sharon - they're both somewhat overweight, Chris has been in love with both of them and they even look somewhat alike. Sharon acknowledges this:
  Sharon: Separa'ed at birth. Two peas in the pod. Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
• Mistaken for Pregnant: Apparently, Sharon is now so fat that the doctor's receptionist thought that she was pregnant.
• Mistaken for Gay: When Chris tells her that his life has changed, Sharon asks him if he means he's started "batting for the other side".
• Mistaken Identity: Upon seeing Dorien's new look, Melanie Fishman initially thinks she is her mother.
• Noodle Incident:
  • Sharon asks if Dorien has been ambushing joggers again.
  • Dorien was once stuck in a service lift with Boyzone.
• Not What It Looks Like:
  • Dominic was believed to have had sex with the sisters' clients when he was just giving them massages.
  • Sharon comes across Dominic on top of Tracey and thinks he's having sex with her. In reality, he's giving her Shiatsu massages.
• One-Shot Character: Dr. Drummond, Dominic, Mrs. Tyler, Josie and Bog Breath Barrett.
• One-Steve Limit:
  • This episode introduces Richard Summers, who shares his first name with two of Garth's mates from "Young Guns" and "An Inspector Stays", as well as being used as an alias for Davey Cooper in "Reservoir Birds".
  • This episode gives us our fifth Dominic, after two separate unseen characters in "Thirty Something" and "Cuckoo" and two One-Shot Characters in "Appreciation Society" and "Moving".
• Replacement Goldfish: When Chris thinks that Sharon doesn't love him anymore, he falls in love with another woman who is very similar to Sharon.
• Right Behind Me: Dorien insults Melanie Fishman right as she is walking up to her, but luckily she doesn't hear her.
  Tracey: Well then, say goodbye to mutton dressed as lamb an' say hello to Melanie Fishman.
  Dorien: Oh, God forbid. She's fishpaste dressed as caviar.
  Tracey: No, Melanie Fishman's 'eadin' this way.
• Shout-Out:
  • Tracey remarks that even Pamela Anderson gets knackered when trying to make Sharon realise she needs to get in shape.
  • Tracey tells Sharon that Kate Moss isn't having sleepless nights because of Sharon's new diet.
  • Tracey admires Lauren Bacall as she is "ageless because she found her own style".
  • Sharon mentions she should've cut off Chris' legs like Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband.
  • Tracey and Sharon mention watching Stars in Their Eyes together and discussing who they'd be - Tracey would be Debbie Harry and Sharon would be Kate Bush, even if Tracey thinks Sharon's more of a match for Meat Loaf.
  • Sharon calls herself and Josie "Tweedledum and Tweedledee".
  • Tracey is entered into the running to win a special edition of Pride and Prejudice (1995), but Sharon would rather win Colin Firth.
  • Sharon copies David Coleman's voice to say the word "extraordinary".
  • When Sharon catches Tracey and Dominic in what she believes to be something sexual, she remarks she was thinking about renting 9½ Weeks anyway.
  • Dorien once got stuck in a service lift with Boyzone.
  • Sharon sings a song parody of the "Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn.
• Song Parody: Sharon sings one of the "Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn to celebrate winning The Bet.
  Sharon: I won the bet, I won the bet. You owe me fifty qui~id, coz I won the bet!
• Spoofs "R" Us: Sharon mentions a fictional store called "Surgical Stockings 'R' Us" when mocking Dorien.
• Spoonerism: Sharon says this when she believes Tracey is going into labour:
  Sharon: Trace, don't panic, I-I-I-I'll phone the kettle, I'll boil the midwife.
• Take That!:
  • Sharon claims to have almost puked up a turkey nugget looking at a picture of Jimmy Osmond in Hello! magazine.
  • Dorien thinks Barbara Cartland is hardly a role model.
  • Sharon mopes she was kicked out of the Brownies before she could tell Tawny Owl to get stuffed.
• Unsettling Gender-Reveal: Sharon takes the mick out of Dorien by pretending to think she has been a man the whole time.
• You Need a Breath Mint: One of Chris' fellow prisoners is called Bog Breath Barrett.

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