Stan discovers the joys of masturbation after Steve burns his crotch and he takes his doctor's instructions on how to apply ointment (which was really orders on saving Dick Cheney from his latest heart attack) to heart. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bar in his attic after Hayley chastises him for wasting his life on sleazy reality TV shows, drinking booze, and eating junk food. Originally aired September 18, 2005.
Tropes:
- Caught with Your Pants Down: Stan is eventually caught by Steve washing the windows and falls down the ladder due to the traumatic shock.
- Groin Attack: Stan tries to get Steve into woodworking, giving him a hot iron and putting a thin piece of wood over his lap without protection. Oh, and he has Steve take off his glasses to put on safety goggles. Steve ends up hitting Stan's crotch.
- Hypocrite: Despite Stan assuring Terry it's a free country, he still silences Terry with a tranquilizing dart for pointing out what he's doing is unconstitutional.
- Is This Thing Still On?: Stan, while finally giving The Talk to Steve, forgets that he's still broadcasting live, resulting in everyone all over Langley Falls watching and listening to what he says to Steve. And that's before Stan and Francine made up and start to make love while the cameras rolled.Roger: Now this is trash TV.
- Minor with Fake I.D.: Hayley has one, but Roger can tell it's a fake and confiscates it when she tries to order from his bar.
- Moral Guardians: Stan does this to take over TV of Langley Falls to take the blame off him for that he's the one at fault for traumatizing Steve and not television.
- Scare 'Em Straight: Played for Laughs with the anti-sex film Stan shows to Steve is this with Timmy going to the bathroom with a National Geographic magazine titled "Women of the Bush", results in him coming out screaming a Big "NO!" with hair growing out of his palms and eyes melting.
- Take That!: The reason the US Government decide to go with Stan's plan to censor TV was because they have trouble catching actual terrorists and that a media crusade is a vote-getter. Which is evident considering when the episode aired at the time.
- The Talk: Stan tries to avoid having this with Steve by getting him off Sex Ed at school and then tries to him do things as substitute for sex... only for him to suffer the predicament that got his crotch burned in the first place and things escalate from there. It took Francine to finally force Stan to tell Steve what it is.
