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Comic Books
"You just don't get it, do you!? This self punishment thing! It's too deep for you!! See?! I'm deep now! And that means I do deep stuff! Like this!" (bangs head against wall) "And THIS!" (bang) "AND THIS!!! (bang)"
—Penance, Deadpool/GLI Summer Fun Spectacular
Fanfiction
"I HATE comedies. The world is so shitty, why pretend it's not. [sic]"
—Raven, friend of Tara Gilesbie
Film — Animation
Kid 1: Hey Goob, what's up? Cool binder!
Kid 2: Hey Goob! Wanna come over to my house today?
Goob: They all hated me...
Kid 2: Hey Goob! Wanna come over to my house today?
Goob: They all hated me...
Jonah: IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I WERE DEAD! OH, I WISH I WERE BACK IN THAT WHALE! (sobbing)
Khalil: You are pathetic.
Khalil: You are pathetic.
Film — Live-Action
"Oh Louis, Louis. Still whining, Louis. Have you heard enough? I've had to listen to that for centuries."
—Lestat de Lioncourt, Interview with the Vampire
"EVR'BODY BETRAY ME! I FED UP WIT DIS WHIRL! I SHOW DEM!"
— Johnny, The Room (2003)
"Alright, P13! You win the crying contest!"
—The High Evolutionary to Rocket, after having shot Lylla, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
Live-Action TV
"Are pumas known for their whining?"
Music
We're all familiar with the tragedy of being you
It's hard to show you any sympathy when all you do is beg for pain
Baby, someone is crazy and it's you
It's hard to show you any sympathy when all you do is beg for pain
Baby, someone is crazy and it's you
Do you have the time, to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything, all at once?
I am one of those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it
About nothing and everything, all at once?
I am one of those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it
I'm seein' this girl and she just might be out of her mind
She's got baggage and it's of the emotional kind
She talks about "closure" and that "validation" bit
I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit
She's got baggage and it's of the emotional kind
She talks about "closure" and that "validation" bit
I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit
"Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love: husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on, and in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up."
Boo fuckin hoo you're not the only one whose life's a piece of shit
And yet miraculously somehow we all seem to deal with it
Did anybody think that you would really seriously slit your wrists?
In fact I think that everybody thinks you're seriously full of shit
And yet miraculously somehow we all seem to deal with it
Did anybody think that you would really seriously slit your wrists?
In fact I think that everybody thinks you're seriously full of shit
—Mindless Self Indulgence, "You'll Rebel To Anything (As Long As It's Not Challenging)"
Newspapers
The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan.
—Roger Ebert on New Moon
Stand-up Comedy
"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord; I kept almost dying. I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start."
Video Games
"I don't hate you because you're a mage. I hate you because you won't shut up about it."
—Carver towards Anders, Dragon Age II
"We just took the biggest score in the history of scores and you bitches just wanna moan? "My momma never loved me. My friends never loved me. I'm mad because I'm rich. I'm sad because I'm successful." Man, this shit is pathetic, both of you."
—Franklin to Michael and Trevor, Grand Theft Auto V
Nick Fury: Thanks for your help, Spider-Man. There's always a place in this operation for a hero like you.
Spider-Man: [In a Completely Angst Free Tone of Voice] Like I have time for that. I have a trigonometry exam tomorrow, my aunt needs me to pick-up a dozen eggs and I'm drowning in angst.
Spider-Man: [In a Completely Angst Free Tone of Voice] Like I have time for that. I have a trigonometry exam tomorrow, my aunt needs me to pick-up a dozen eggs and I'm drowning in angst.
Gozu: You are always so unkind to me.
Lo Wang: And you sit up here on your self-pitying ass, waiting hand on foot for an immortal narcissist while the people you pretend to care for are victimized. Don't try to tell me you give a shit about humans. Your actions...sorry...inactions tell the story.
Lo Wang: And you sit up here on your self-pitying ass, waiting hand on foot for an immortal narcissist while the people you pretend to care for are victimized. Don't try to tell me you give a shit about humans. Your actions...sorry...inactions tell the story.
"Have you tried attacking him with your melodrama? 'Cause it's killing me!"
—Daxter to Warrior who is moping about his sudden defeat at the hands of Klaww, Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy
Web Animation
"People love characters who mope all the time! Now most normal people when exposed to high-stress situations without proper training simply shut down at best. Usually, they panic and make things worse. However, when writing an everyman, a writer has only two real choices; either the everyman handles everything flawlessly and simply breezes through the insanity without any explanation, or they start endlessly moping way outside the audience's patience zone. A writer basically only gets one good panic scene and after that the audience expects the everyman to get a handle on the situation. But I think I’m going to push that by having the everyman be extra worthless for most of the story. Maybe I should show how the everyman is gradually acclimating to this new life of adventure in order to have a smooth transition and not irritate the audience with too much whining? No! I like my melodrama at the cost of character development! As it should be."
—JP Beaubien, Terrible Writing Advice, EVERYMAN PROTAGONIST
"I watched an anime once. Dude pulled a gun at the start of the episode, fired it at the end, and everything in-between was angst! I wouldn't mind, but he missed!"
"But the essence of a likeable protagonist is that their reactions and emotions in some way reflect our own, and after I've launched myself like a whiskey-powered ballistic missile through a window and shot six armed thugs while sliding along a conveniently placed bowling lane, I'm on an adrenaline kick. And what I don't want to hear is a miserable old fart moaning about how he got a 7-10 split and how he just fucks everything up, and who is he to think that fucking awesome gunfight in any way adds meaning to his cold and dreary blah blah blah?"
Web Comics
"For the love of meat, shut up! No one wants to hear your emo character background! My hands are literally melting away, and I'm complaining less than you!"
—K'seliss, Goblins
"You don't understand! You ALL understand! I mean... don't understand!"
—Strong Bad, after his Compy is destroyed, sbemail 118: virus
Bob: You've been reading those comics with the mutants again, huh?
Molly: Oh, but they're mature, Daddy! All about suffering! I mean, the characters talk about how much they're suffering all the time!
Molly: Oh, but they're mature, Daddy! All about suffering! I mean, the characters talk about how much they're suffering all the time!
"At first I loved Simple Plan. Then I realized, with creeping horror, that they were serious."
Rose: Jack, lets talk about your tragic past as a Child Soldier.
Raiden: NO, ROSE, I ANGST ALONE!
Raiden: NO, ROSE, I ANGST ALONE!
"I'm so sick of your complaints and tears! On and on about how lonely you are, and how you need a girlfriend! You're nothing but a lowly liar, you solicitor!"
—Jerkhief, Sonichu
Also WOW LOOK AT THAT ANGST
WE NEED MORE ELLIPSES… PEOPLE… BRING ME… MORE.
WE NEED MORE ELLIPSES… PEOPLE… BRING ME… MORE.
—Evan Stanley's reaction
towards Shadow's wangst in issue 1 of Ghosts of the Future, her Sonic the Hedgehog fancomic
towards Shadow's wangst in issue 1 of Ghosts of the Future, her Sonic the Hedgehog fancomic Web Original
Since Morrissey is a human 'Shit Happens And Then You Die' t-shirt hanging in a Hot Topic, he shrugged at cancer and said that if he dies, he dies. WHATEVER. Don’t expect some Fault Of Our Stars-like philosophy about cancer from Morrissey...I expected him to tell cancer to eat shit and throw itself off of a cliff, and while it’s at it, take the British royal family, meat eaters, China, Jimmy Kimmel, the Duck Dynasty hillbillies, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Posh & Becks and (insert everything else that isn’t a vegan cat) with it.
—DListed, "Morrissey Has The Morrissey-iest Things To Say About Undergoing Cancer Treatment"
, "Morrissey Has The Morrissey-iest Things To Say About Undergoing Cancer Treatment"Other than losing his brother Allie, Holden has no external problems. He is a rich kid living in the most amazing city in the world. Rather than appreciating his good fortune or trying to make the most of his bountiful opportunities, Holden seeks out fruitless conflict. If you still doubt that happiness fundamentally reflects personality, not circumstances, CITR can teach you something.
—Bryan Caplan, "What to Learn From The Catcher in the Rye
, "What to Learn From The Catcher in the RyeJack Skellington: Who would ever understand? That the Pumpkin King, with the skeleton grin, would tire of his crown?
Jeremy: You work once a year. F*ck you.
Indeed, if you want to be vicious, you can read "Day of the Doctor" as Moffat going "oh for god’s sake, let’s just never have a story like 'A Town Called Mercy' again.'
There’s this massive drama about bringing Suzie back to life, but she wasn’t exactly scary in the first place…merely a mild annoyance, but this is Torchwood, so WE’VE GOT TO TREAT EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY. I’ve seen Indira Varma in other programmes (she took part in a dramatisation of Caryl Churchill’s Top Girls and she was astonishing), but saddling her with the character of Suzie gives her nothing to play about with. It's a dreary performance for a dreary role without a hint of charisma or screen presence. I could feel my lust for life ebbing away with every second I spent with the character.
Chris: Yeah, have we been given any reason to like Clark? Any reason at all?
David: He’s Superman, duh!
Chris: No, he’s the Blur.
David: But he broods more than Batman.
David: He’s Superman, duh!
Chris: No, he’s the Blur.
David: But he broods more than Batman.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Supergirl")
Smallville ("Supergirl")Killed twice and shot by Batman in his own book, and now the final indignity. 'I’m not actually a very good hero,' says Superman in the $40 hardcover celebrating 75 years of Superman, 'Most of the things I do are not important.' Well then why the f**k are we supposed to read these comics?
I guess instead of saving the world from massive death and destruction and enslavement, Superman should just go around x-raying everyone on the planet to check their health. Although, how's that for universal healthcare. What really makes it worse is that this actually works and Superman feels bad so bad he starts his hobo adventures.
"Hey, it's a new plotline in Crankshaft, and here, in the very first panel, you can see a brief glimmer of happiness! I think Pam's supposed to be smiling? But by panel three, she's already managed, with zero input from anyone else, to talk herself into Funkyverse-typical heavy-lidded depression. Not... the food truck rodeo! I dunno, I think of a gathering of food trucks in a public space when the weather's nice to be a fun way to spend lunch, but I'm sure we'll find out what's wrong with it soon enough.
"You've always insisted that no one can completely understand your problems. That raises the question of why you won't fucking stop talking about them, then."
"A protagonist who is cursed with amazing super powers and the attention of every attractive woman in the setting will come across as juvenile when he complains about it. Especially when a lot of the protagonist’s complaints boil down to “woe is me! Why must I be cursed with awesomeness!” Good God. It’s like they are intentionally making fun of early 20s JP Beaubien. It irritates me because it falls into the same sin I committed during my early college days; stewing in darkness without doing anything about it. Whine, complain, moan, but for God’s sake at least do something about it!"
Web Video
"Finally, a superhero movie made specifically for assholes. Apparently, it's easer than you think to confuse Richie Rich for Scarlett O'Hara."
"Nobody will ever understand the torment I feel. The torment of an extremely attractive ninja who is lusted after by pretty much every girl he's ever met. Mine is indeed a tormented existence. Filled with torment. And girls. Girls with their breasts. They torment me so."
—Sasuke Uchiha, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show
"Robin is angry because heeee wanted to get Mr. Freeeeeze! In fact, most of Robin's dialog is just bitching and moaning. You could pretty much just replace his dialogue with [incoherent whining]."
"Why are you all so miserable? CHEER UP! It's nearly Christmas! What's wrong with yah? Yah get presents at Christmas! Here's 10 people in games that really need to stop bitching."
—Caddicarus, "Top 10 Saddest Sads''
"I'm feeling cranky and pubescent today, and I don't know why! I think I'll take it out on people I like! Grrrr!"
Western Animation
Leave me allllloooooooone! I vant to be ALONE! I want to wallow in... whatever it is that ponies are supposed to wallow in! ... Do ponies wallow in pity...? OH, listen to me, I don't even know what I'm supposed to wallow in! I'M SO PATHHHHEEEEEEETIIIIIC!
"You can't take it from me now! I've had this ice cream bar since I was a child! People... always trying to take it from me! Why won't they leave me... ALOOOONEE!?"
—Ren Höek, The Ren & Stimpy Show, Space Madness
Tombstone engraving: "Here lies Squidward's hopes and dreams."
Mr. Krabs: …What a baby.
Mr. Krabs: …What a baby.
— SpongeBob SquarePants, "One Krabs Trash"
"I suffer dreadfully, and no-one cares."
—Henry, Thomas & Friends, "Coal"
Real Life
"Well, I'm not fucking having that. As much as I fucking like him and all that shit, I'm not having that. I can't have people like that coming over here, on smack, fucking saying that they 'hate themselves and they wanna die.' That's fucking rubbish. Kids don't need to be hearing that nonsense."
Lyrics like “the promise of heaven, pushed us right back to hell/turned three sevens, back to three sixes again” would be better left in the tear-stained, spiral notebook where they originated.
—James Christopher Monger on Screamworks: Love in Theory and Practice
The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain.
