Quotes / Ugly Guy, Hot Wife

Falconetti (David Patrick Kelly): He couldn't handle that I won Claire and he didn't! I was sleepin' with her every night, doin' it with her every night...
Spoony: I like to picture Marion having sex, but the mental image of him being there really ruins it.

— Noah Antwiler, Let's Riff Ripper

"How the fuck do you always have, like, two good-looking girls who want you? You're the most hideous fucking chud I've ever met, and you always have a pair of girls fighting over you."

— Randal, Clerks II

(Upon meeting Human Acorn Dan's hot girlfriend Miya-miya) "No way!"

— Bamboo Blade

"When the girl looks like that and her husband's so fat, that's immoral..." (To the tune of "That's Amore")

— A gondolier seranades The Simpsons

"You mean a chubby, unattractive male gets a saucy, hot as hell female? *Laughs* In what media?"

— The Nostalgia Critic on Bébé's Kids

Eddie: What do you see in him?

Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.

— Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Ben: So, Gayle and Jerry?

Chris: I've thought about it a lot, there's no logical explanation.

— Parks and Recreation

"Pastor Jeff's wife is so much prettier than him. It's like Barbie married a turtle."

— Missy Cooper, Young Sheldon

"I am good-looking enough for both of us, I theenk!"

— Fleur Delacour, on her husband's badly-scarred face, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Phoebe (To Chandler): Oh! Oh! But, you know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys... you could be one of those guys.

— Friends

Exploring the local area, they find Mars populated by middle-aged men and space bimbos with IQ's of 200+.

— Review of Flight to Mars (1951)

"When an old man finds a stunning young woman who's anxious to share his life... there are some things which are understood. She gets money, security, a position in society. He gets her youth, beauty and a chance to display his virility. All the time I question: Does she long for a younger man? And if she takes a lover... Damn it, when she takes a lover... will she be discreet?"

— General Villiers, The Bourne Identity

His wife sat across from him, smiling. How he admired her. Unlike Brad, who most days looked and felt like something left out beside the recycling can, Juliet hadn't even been remotely ravaged by middle age's silent, relentless creep.

—Repeat

"A woman isn't a woman unless she's pretty. And a man isn't a man unless he's ugly."

— Captain K'nuckles, The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack

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