Quotes / The Sopranos

Tony Soprano : You know, there's this Russian woman. She told me something that's very true. She said, only here, in America, do we expect to be happy. I mean this woman, she had a terrible leg disease since she was 9. She was dirt poor. She's getting on with her life. I mean, over here, we come and we bitch to shrinks. I mean, what the fuck?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, part of that may be true. But, who said that after getting out of the dirt and the poverty, do we have to stop looking for pain and truth?
Tony Soprano: Pain and truth? Come on, I'm a fat fucking crook from New Jersey.

I'm like King Midas in reverse here. Everything I touch turns to shit.

— Tony Soprano

So what, no fuckin' ziti now?

— AJ Soprano

Yeah. I find I have to be the sad clown: laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

— Tony Soprano

Those who want respect, give respect.

— Tony Soprano

It's an idea, I don't know. Who knows where it fucking came from? Isaac Newton invented gravity because some asshole hit him with an apple.

— Christopher Moltisanti

Oh, poor you!

— Various members of the Soprano family

You don't shit where you eat. And you really don't shit where I eat.

— Tony Soprano

I'll promise you something else, on my old man's grave. If I get proof it was him, he's a fucking corpse!

— Paulie "Walnuts" Gualtieri

The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it's going to be hard to verify that I think I'll be more effective.

— Little Carmine Lupertazzi

Can I just get some macaroni and gravy?

— Paulie Walnuts, expressing his distaste for authentic Italian cuisine when dining in Italy.

What do I find in a pork store? A bunch of guys beating their meat.

— Tony Blundetto

Paulie: Hey, Sil. You remember your first blowjob?
Silvio: Yeah.
Paulie: How long did it take for the guy to cum?

Tony Soprano: Maybe I should tap into my roots, too. My grandmother was half Indian.
Christopher: Get the fuck out of here.
Tony Soprano: No, it's true. She was in the Fakawee tribe.
Christopher: Oh yeah?
Tony Soprano: Yeah. When they used to get lost in the woods, they stopped and said "Where the Fakawee?"

In fact, the expiration date was last week on all your bullshit with that.

— Tony Soprano

Tony Soprano: You're looking good. Looking better.
Uncle Junior: Tony, if you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to tongue my balls.

Carmela: I just think that's very, very wonderful!
Tony: You would think I was Hannibal Lecter before or something!

There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth.

— Tony Soprano

I hear Ginny Sack is having a 90-pound mole taken off her ass.

— Ralphie Cifaretto

Carmela: ... I just never pictured Meadow with someone like him.
Tony Soprano: Someone like him? He's one of us! Don't tell me you were happy when she was going out with that Jamal Ginsberg, the Hasidic Homeboy?

He Marvin Gaye-d his own nephew. The boss of the family.

— Vito Spatafore.

Paulie Walnuts: You're not gonna believe this. The guy killed 16 Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator.
Christopher Moltisanti: His house looked like shit.

Carmela: Who knew all this time you wanted Tracy and Hepburn? Well Tony, what about all the thousand other fucking pigs you had your dick in over the years? The strippers, the cocktail waitresses, were you best friends with all of them too? You fucking hypocrite.

I can't find Pussy anywhere.

— Tony Soprano

Anthony Infante: Listen, as far as that thing goes ... the coffee with the chickery ...
Johnny Sack: The fuck is that?
Anthony Infante: Shit. I suck at talking like this John, I'm sorry. Our friend with the stomach.
Johnny Sack: In town? Or near home?
Anthony Infante: Your neighbour. "A-S".
Johnny Sack: Alright, just say the thing I asked you to do. The coffee with the fucking chickery. He gonna get it for me?
Anthony Infante: Yes. Bad news is that he wants ten cups for himself, not seven.
Johnny Sack: Alright, done. Did you pick up the birthday cake for Gin with the marzipan flowers?
Anthony Infante: The stuff by the pool?
Johnny Sack: No, an actual fucking cake! It's her birthday.

This is gonna sound stupid, but I saw at one point that our mothers are ... bus drivers. No, they are the bus. See, they're the vehicle that gets us here. They drop us off and go on their way. They continue on their journey. And the problem is that we keep tryin' to get back on the bus, instead of just lettin' it go.

— Tony

Carmela: This is such a crock of shit.
Mary: Carmela...
Carmela: I’m sitting here, thinking I should protect my children from the truth about their grandmother on the one hand. On the other, I’m saying to myself, what kind of example am I setting? Evading and smiling, passing out cheese puffs, over a woman we all know was terribly dysfunctional! Who spread no cheer, at all!
Mary: Carmela, be quiet.
Carmela: This is my house!
Mary: I’m leaving.
Hugh: Let her talk, goddamnit!
Mary: Sit down, Hugh!
Hugh: No I'll speak if I want! Goddamnit, who are you, minister of propaganda?! We suffered for years under the yoke of that woman. Years! She estranged us from our own daughter, ruined I don't know how many goddamn Christmases, I don't want to even begin to count.
Janice: Hugh-
Hugh: No don’t hand me that! Bullshit! You wanted it, you got it.
Tom: Here here.
Carmela: From beyond the grave, even. This is a woman who didn't want a funeral. You all, her children, you ignored her wishes! Only after she's dead, by the way. She didn't want a funeral. She didn't want a remembrance of any kind. Why? She didn't think anybody would come! She wouldn't write down her memories for her grandchildren because she figured nobody loved her enough to read them! She knew there was a problem.

'Remember when' is the lowest form of conversation.

— Tony Soprano

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