Some guys get chain or plate
or a big-ass sword that does one dice eight
I get a lantern and a ten-foot pole
and some robes and this thing that does
one dice four...one dice four...
I only do 1D4...
or a big-ass sword that does one dice eight
I get a lantern and a ten-foot pole
and some robes and this thing that does
one dice four...one dice four...
I only do 1D4...
— Jinx of Jinx.com, "Always the First to Die"
Five guys and a bag of dice,
It's Friday night's game.
Got a cleric and a fighter, thief,
But we ain't got a mage.
Friends, they all looked at me
And they said the job was mine.
"You might suck at level one,
But you'll rip at level nine!"
So we're playing the Keep, so we entered the town
To stock up for the night.
I learned the two standard spells,
Magic Missile and Light.
Suddenly from out of the caves,
The Kobolds, they attacked.
I screamed and shit my pants
And took a dagger in the back!
That's why I'm always the first to die
I'm always the first to die
Yeah, I'm always the first to die
I'm always the first to die.
It's Friday night's game.
Got a cleric and a fighter, thief,
But we ain't got a mage.
Friends, they all looked at me
And they said the job was mine.
"You might suck at level one,
But you'll rip at level nine!"
So we're playing the Keep, so we entered the town
To stock up for the night.
I learned the two standard spells,
Magic Missile and Light.
Suddenly from out of the caves,
The Kobolds, they attacked.
I screamed and shit my pants
And took a dagger in the back!
That's why I'm always the first to die
I'm always the first to die
Yeah, I'm always the first to die
I'm always the first to die.
— Jinx, "Always the First to Die"
Hey there, it's me, the team's only lady
Throw like a girl and I punch like a baby
So the guys in the party tend to take me for granted
This enchanted maid is a shade disenchanted
Throw like a girl and I punch like a baby
So the guys in the party tend to take me for granted
This enchanted maid is a shade disenchanted
"If I have learned anything as a wizard it is this: never fight your own battles."
— Waffa, sorcerer of Nyomba, Magic: The Gathering
For people who haven't played games like this, no magicians are allowed to carry anything that can hurt somebody. It's true. In 1976 we passed a law that said exactly that to protect us from David Copperfield and Doug Henning. Laugh all you want, but imagine one of them pulling from behind your ear not a quarter, but an EAR BURROWING BEETLE. And if it was that easy for them to take it out, think how easy it is for them to put in.
—Seanbaby, "Useless Powerups"
Who the fuck is this? "Iolo"? He looks like Grant Imahara from MythBusters...You can compare their starting abilities and equipment here: Like, Dupre has the most health but low magic, and he starts with a sword and armor. Okay. Whereas Iolo is a complete pussy and he starts with a bow and handburger.
He starts....with a fucking hamburger. Yeah. "Mariah" gets a wand of fireballs, Iolo gets a Big Mac.
He starts....with a fucking hamburger. Yeah. "Mariah" gets a wand of fireballs, Iolo gets a Big Mac.
—Noah Antwiler on Ultima: Runes of Virtue
However, it is often difficult for magic users to survive. Their few weapons and spells (at low levels) balance against the power they eventually achieve. Therefore, magic-users must be cautious at lower levels, as few will survive long without protection. Your magic user should not go on adventures alone; because of his low defenses and hit points, one surprise could kill him. In groups, he should always stay in the middle of the party, protected from attacks, and use his magic in ways that will help win the fight.
— Aaron Allston, from page 19 of the Dungeons & Dragons Rules Cyclopedia. And he's not kidding either.
The spell [Expeditious Retreat] need not be used as part of a retreat; the name of the spell merely hints at the typical wizard's attitude towards combat.
— Dungeons & Dragons Players Handbook v3.5
[B.O.B. lands a Critical Hit and manages to block a demonic warrior's spear]
Bob: Ha! Take that!
Fred: Critical Hit or not, you've still got only 30 in Physical, she's gonna shake you off.
Bob: Ha! Take that!
Fred: Critical Hit or not, you've still got only 30 in Physical, she's gonna shake you off.
— Aventures, Season 3, episode 35
If an enemy makes a mean face at me... I'll explode!
Marina: Wizards are SCHOLARS. And they don't do "magic tricks". They are masters of the arcane arts, able to bend the elements to their will! But you knights have fun hitting each other with pointy metal sticks.
Pearl: Oh, we will! Have fun wearing your battle pajamas on the back lines.
Pisces: Traditionally those who practice magic are beings of great power that should not be crossed.
Erin: Yeah, and they have fragile bones. I'm sure mages are really scary when they're far away, but wands aren't good at blocking frying...pots.
Erin: Yeah, and they have fragile bones. I'm sure mages are really scary when they're far away, but wands aren't good at blocking frying...pots.
Has low stamina, but incredible arts not limited by lines.
— Description of Renne, The Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky - The 3rd
He clearly understood a key fact about sorcerers – while in theory we should be able to harness the primal forces of magic to our very will, it's hard to concentrate on building up a really good, three-hundred-volt smack when someone's hitting you.
"Mages have low HP, so you can’t just run out without a plan!"
— Merak, Azure Striker Gunvolt: Lazy Kingdom
Merlin: Leave me to work, Lord. I will wake it. I will set a sword in every blade of grass to wound them and the very clods of earth shall be venom to their feet. I will——
The Director: No, I forbid you to speak of it. If it were possible, it would be unlawful. Whatever of spirit may still linger in the earth has withdrawn fifteen hundred years further away from us since your time. You shall not speak a word to it. You shall not lift your little finger to call it up. I command you. It is in this age utterly unlawful. ...
Merlin: ...Sir, if I am not to work for you in that fashion, then you have taken into your house a silly bulk of flesh, for I am no longer much of a man of war. If it comes to point and edge, I avail little.
"Mages, you will get your assignments but some good advice to follow: stay with your groups. You guys are squishy, the guys in armor are less so. So stay with them."
— Lieutenant Bergen, The Night Unfurls
"They've developed their mental powers to the point where they can control machines with their very thoughts. But their bodies have weakened, and are totally useless."
— Gort on the Hive, The Transformers
Do you know what a wizard's weak point is? [...] It's how their bodies are built!! Magic requires the training of one's wisdom and nerves. That means that anybody trying to be a wizard can't spend their time on physical training. Therefore we, who spend our days forging our bodies...are well ahead of you in terms of strength and speed. A long time ago, a wizard said something... He said it takes years for a wizard to learn a curse that will break his enemy's bones. We faced off with that wizard. And faster than he could say his curse...I attacked!! And I broke his bones instead! He spend years learning something that I was able to beat in one lightning-fast strike!! Those are the limits of wizardry!! Take away their magic, and they're no better than an average guy.
— Elder Vanish Brother, to Natsu, Fairy Tail
"You people are all magic and no muscle! I'll snap you like twigs!"
— Count Bergliez, Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes
The astromancer had the lean, scrawny build common to scholars and ascetics, men who took pains to feed their mind but often forgot their bodies.
Trish: You bricked that other guy in the face.
Kat: I have wimpy wizard arms, he'll be fine!
Kat: I have wimpy wizard arms, he'll be fine!
Player Character: Wouldn't you like to get to know [Gale]?
Minthara: It is pointless. In my experience, the moment they leave their libraries, wizards have the life expectancy of a gnome in a war. Either the enemy recognizes they are a threat, and kills them swiftly, or their curiosity leads them to combust while experimenting with the limits of magic.
"Black Mage, well, he's a nice guy, but he's a caster. A push or a gentle breeze will take him right out."
— Fighter, 8-Bit Theater here
