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Comic Books
"Kite Man. Hell yeah."
—Kite Man, Batman (Tom King)
Comic Strips
Calvin: I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many great ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is...
Susie: You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met! (leaves)
Calvin: (aside) When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.
Susie: You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met! (leaves)
Calvin: (aside) When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging.
Calvin: Just think, Earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago... 3 billion years ago, the first bacteria appeared, then came sea life, dinosaurs, birds, mammals, and finally, a million years ago, man. Now in 1988 there's me. ...The acme of evolution.
Hobbes: Oh, please.
Hobbes: Oh, please.
Calvin: I believe history is a force. Its unalterable tide sweeps all people and institutions along its unrelenting path. Everything and everyone serves history's single purpose.
Hobbes: And what is that purpose?
Calvin: Why, to produce ME, of course! I'm the end result of history.
Hobbes: You?
Calvin: Think of it! Thousands of generations lived and died to produce my exact, specific parents, whose reason for being, obviously, was to produce ME. All history up to this point has been spent preparing the world for my presence.
Hobbes: Hmm, 4.5 billion years probably wasn't long enough.
Hobbes: And what is that purpose?
Calvin: Why, to produce ME, of course! I'm the end result of history.
Hobbes: You?
Calvin: Think of it! Thousands of generations lived and died to produce my exact, specific parents, whose reason for being, obviously, was to produce ME. All history up to this point has been spent preparing the world for my presence.
Hobbes: Hmm, 4.5 billion years probably wasn't long enough.
Calvin: I'm at peace with the world. I'm completely serene.
Hobbes: Why is that?
Calvin: I've discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists.
Hobbes: Oh really?
Calvin: Yes, I am here so everybody can do what I want.
Hobbes: It's nice to have that cleared up.
Calvin: Once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too.
Hobbes: Why is that?
Calvin: I've discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists.
Hobbes: Oh really?
Calvin: Yes, I am here so everybody can do what I want.
Hobbes: It's nice to have that cleared up.
Calvin: Once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too.
Calvin: From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.
Hobbes: Well, lucky you!
Calvin: Yeah, I'm just here to cash in.
Hobbes: Well, lucky you!
Calvin: Yeah, I'm just here to cash in.
Calvin: I'm stick of hearing about personal responsibility! I've already done my part to make the world a better place to live.
Hobbes: Really?
Calvin: Sure! I was born!
Hobbes: Oh yes, I forgot to thank you.
Calvin: Join the club!
Hobbes: Really?
Calvin: Sure! I was born!
Hobbes: Oh yes, I forgot to thank you.
Calvin: Join the club!
Fan Fiction
Cinder: I fail to see where you find your sense superiority over me.
Watts: And I fail to see where you find your sense of superiority over everyone!
Cinder: Because I am going to become the next Fall Maiden! And I'll have more power than you'll ever possess!
Watts: [scoffs] You know better than anyone that Salem plans to use you as a pawn. You're only getting these powers to access the Relic.
Cinder: And yet, I'm still getting these powers. And that's enough for me because when I stand over the ashes of Beacon Academy, I will be the one they fear. And that is because they will recognize the power I possess.
Watts: Please. You are not some sort of goddess of death. You are nothing more than an egotistical brat with delusions of grandeur because you're still angry that your mommy hurt you in the past. And I'm sure that she'd be genuinely proud to see the callous, self-absorbed, egomaniac that you've become.
Watts: And I fail to see where you find your sense of superiority over everyone!
Cinder: Because I am going to become the next Fall Maiden! And I'll have more power than you'll ever possess!
Watts: [scoffs] You know better than anyone that Salem plans to use you as a pawn. You're only getting these powers to access the Relic.
Cinder: And yet, I'm still getting these powers. And that's enough for me because when I stand over the ashes of Beacon Academy, I will be the one they fear. And that is because they will recognize the power I possess.
Watts: Please. You are not some sort of goddess of death. You are nothing more than an egotistical brat with delusions of grandeur because you're still angry that your mommy hurt you in the past. And I'm sure that she'd be genuinely proud to see the callous, self-absorbed, egomaniac that you've become.
—CRME, Chapter 17 "Important Preparations"
Dwight: Let Me Get This Straight..., you're marrying a girl just because you wanted a queen for your currently non-existent criminal empire?
Roman: It's not the only reason I'm marrying her… she's good-looking, too. Just like me. It only makes sense that we're together.
Dwight: I can't believe you're already letting this get to your head.
Roman: It doesn't hurt to have a little positive imagery.
Roman: It's not the only reason I'm marrying her… she's good-looking, too. Just like me. It only makes sense that we're together.
Dwight: I can't believe you're already letting this get to your head.
Roman: It doesn't hurt to have a little positive imagery.
—Roman's Empire, Chapter 3 "Building the Foundations"
Film — Live-Action
"I invented the piano key necktie! I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! You've got NOTHING! NOTHING!"
—Mugatu, Zoolander
Willa: You know what you are? You're pronoid.
Vince: "Pronoid"?
Willa: Mm-hmm. It means that contrary to all the available evidence, you actually think that people like you. Your perception of life is that it's one long benefit dinner in your honor with everybody cheering you on and wanting you to win everything. You think you're the prince, Vince.
Vince: "Pronoid"?
Willa: Mm-hmm. It means that contrary to all the available evidence, you actually think that people like you. Your perception of life is that it's one long benefit dinner in your honor with everybody cheering you on and wanting you to win everything. You think you're the prince, Vince.
Maxxx Orbison: What's your name, again?
Sancho: I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think that you'd be good enough for porno?
Sancho: I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: Great. But what do you do?
Sancho: What do I do? I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: And?
Sancho: And, there are many Jeffs in the world, and many Toms, as well. But I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: And??
Sancho: I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think that you'd be good enough for porno?
Sancho: I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: Great. But what do you do?
Sancho: What do I do? I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: And?
Sancho: And, there are many Jeffs in the world, and many Toms, as well. But I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: And??
Sancho: Are you Sancho? No, you are not. Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford is not Sancho. But I...!
Maxxx Orbison: You are Sancho!
Maxxx Orbison: You are Sancho!
"The next band asked me to read this: Since the beginning of time 'twas written in the stones that one day a band would come. Well that band has come and now they are here to cum again in your ear-pussies. Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D."
— Open Mic Host, Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
"'Edward Lionheart's Troilus and Cressida must be considered as a brilliant theatrical achievement, and his own performance as Achilles unsurpassed.' This clearly is Lionheart's own view. That actor's oft-expressed desire for solitude is well known. He must derive much satisfaction in knowing that he is absolutely alone in his opinion of this lamentable production."
—Hector Snipe on Edward Lionheart, Theatre of Blood
Dennis Nedry: Yo — Dodgson!
Lewis Dodgson: You shouldn't use my name.
Dennis Nedry: Dodgson! Dodgson! We've got Dodgson here! See? Nobody cares.
Lewis Dodgson: You shouldn't use my name.
Dennis Nedry: Dodgson! Dodgson! We've got Dodgson here! See? Nobody cares.
Literature
I am:
a.) God's gift to the opposite sex.
b.) God's gift to the world.
c.) God.
A bully, thought Susan. A very small, very weak, very dull bully, who doesn't manage any real bullying, because there's hardly anyone smaller or weaker than him, so he just settles for making everyone's life that little bit more difficult...
If I was kept waiting beyond a carefully scrutinized five minutes, there was no interview! Rising from my chair and ambling over to the man's secretary, I would bow ever so slightly, the image of genteel breeding; then suddenly, bringing myself up to a dictatorially rigid posture, I would proclaim, my tone controlled but testy: "I'm sorry, young lady, but will you tell your employer that Mr. Exley had other commitments and couldn't wait. If he wishes to set up another appointment and begin it at the — ah — designated time" — I would be looking at my empty wrist as though it contained a hundred-jewel job — "then he knows where to reach me."
—Frederick Exley looks for work, A Fans Notes
Live-Action TV
Bill: I don't think you realize whom you are talking to.
Airline Rep: Why, sure. I'm talking to Bill McNeal of WNYX.
Bill: Wow! I see my reputation precedes me.
Dave: No, it doesn't. He's just reading your name tag from the convention.
Airline Rep: Why, sure. I'm talking to Bill McNeal of WNYX.
Bill: Wow! I see my reputation precedes me.
Dave: No, it doesn't. He's just reading your name tag from the convention.
—NewsRadio, "Airport"
Delmy: I'm Delmy Polanco. I'm the most important UFO blogger in the world.
Booth: "Important blogger." Talk about an oxymoron.
Booth: "Important blogger." Talk about an oxymoron.
— Bones
Niles: Oh please, in your sixth grade production of Oklahoma! you took so many curtain calls, Mrs. Van Raphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage.
Frasier: That woman never understood me or the role of Farmer Number Three!
Frasier: That woman never understood me or the role of Farmer Number Three!
Gordon: Rich men don't go to jail.
Horatio Caine: You're not rich, Gordon. (arrests him)
Horatio Caine: You're not rich, Gordon. (arrests him)
—CSI: Miami, "Cross Jurisdictions"
"You're right! With my looks and my talent, and you fulfilling the requirement of 3 or more people, we'd be unbeatable!"
— Lexi, A.N.T. Farm
"If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."
— Raylan Givens, Justified
"I am perched on the threshold of stardom, and I'm not giving it up for any twisted, bitter extra who's gonna get in my way!"
— Shelley DuPont, Girls on Top, "Staying Alive"
Music
Fame, fame, fatal fame
It can play hideous tricks on the brain
It can play hideous tricks on the brain
—The Smiths, "Franky, Mr Shankly"
I follow trends, don't say what I mean
Put the 'LOL' in PoLOLitics as long as I'm seen
Please notice me and my humorous views
'Coz maybe someday I'll get a job on the news
Put the 'LOL' in PoLOLitics as long as I'm seen
Please notice me and my humorous views
'Coz maybe someday I'll get a job on the news
—Trapped in Technology, "Internet Micro Celebrity"
Our subject isn't cool, but he thinks it anyway
He may not have a clue and he may not have style
But for everything he lacks, well he makes up in denial!
He may not have a clue and he may not have style
But for everything he lacks, well he makes up in denial!
— The Offspring, "Pretty Fly for a White Guy"
I walk, everyone watches.
I speak, everyone listens.
If you think I am just showing off you are dead wrong
All of you just don't know
You just don't know how great I am
There's no one who can destroy me. I can never be defeated
I speak, everyone listens.
If you think I am just showing off you are dead wrong
All of you just don't know
You just don't know how great I am
There's no one who can destroy me. I can never be defeated
— Black☆Star's Image Song, Soul Eater
He can't change his past, no one ever can
Tomorrow no one knows his name
He thinks he is the man
Tomorrow no one knows his name
He thinks he is the man
— Silent Force, The King of Fools
Professional Wrestling
Titus O'Neil: I'm the star of this show! Matter of fact, I'm the star of every show that the WWE has to offer!
Michael Cole: You've never been on another show!
Michael Cole: You've never been on another show!
— WWE NXT January 18, 2012 episode.
"He looks like a goof. Because he is a goof. Because he walks out there like he's fucking King Kong to the Road Warrior music, and he thinks he's over. His triumphant return, like he's Lou Gehrig in the fucking stadium! And everyone goes, 'Who's this fucking buggy whip-armed motherfucker?'"
Video Games
Marco: What did you say? Are you trying to start a fight with me?! The name is Marco! Everybody who is anybody knows who I am!
Vyse: Hah... for such a short kid, you sure know how to talk big! Sorry, boy, but we don't have time to play with little kids right now.
Marco: What did you say?! I'll remember this! Fools!
Vyse: Hah... for such a short kid, you sure know how to talk big! Sorry, boy, but we don't have time to play with little kids right now.
Marco: What did you say?! I'll remember this! Fools!
Jeremy Robard (motivational speaker): Every time I step outside the door, I can choose which car to drive—if I choose to drive! I have five chauffeurs!
Maurice Chavez (host): Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but I know you live in a very small apartment overlooking the gas works. You ain't a big shot. You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole.
Maurice Chavez (host): Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but I know you live in a very small apartment overlooking the gas works. You ain't a big shot. You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole.
"You can't eat me, I'M HERBERT MOOOON!"
—Herbert Moon's last words before being devoured by zombies, Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare
'Fireteam...(sigh) Fireteam "The Bad Guys Don't Care What We Call Ourselves, Do They?" Report in. Zavala out."
—Titan Vanguard commander Zavala, Destiny
"You know what Orzammar is? It's cramped tunnels, filled with nug-shit and body-odor. And every person there thinks he's better than you because his great-great-great grandfather made a water-clock or something."
Wappa: So, you've got something to report to your leader?
Kyle: Nobody made you the leader.
Wappa: Speak louder, I can't hear ya.
Kyle: Nobody made you the leader.
Wappa: Speak louder, I can't hear ya.
A member of RaD, a Doser faction.
Like many other Dosers, Rummy is utterly addicted to Coral-based drugs, and in his perpetually addled state, he has convinced himself that he is an invincible demi-god.
Even should reality intervene with a costly defeat, he will forget about the setback entirely by the next day—only death can dispel his notions of invincibility now.
Like many other Dosers, Rummy is utterly addicted to Coral-based drugs, and in his perpetually addled state, he has convinced himself that he is an invincible demi-god.
Even should reality intervene with a costly defeat, he will forget about the setback entirely by the next day—only death can dispel his notions of invincibility now.
— "Invincible" Rummy's Arena profile, Armored Core VI: Fires of Rubicon
Webcomics
Attley: So Steven, are there others like you?
Steven: Others like me? Aha no, they can only dream.
Attley: I meant other instrument-people.
Steven: Others like me? Aha no, they can only dream.
Attley: I meant other instrument-people.
[laughing] "What a pathetic little man you are. You've never had an original thought in your entire life! You've memorized some things from a book, and you think it makes you important!"
Web Original
The verb to disrespect is one of the most obnoxious and insidious innovations in our language in years, because it really means "to fail to pay me the impossibly high requirement of respect I demand."
—The Federalist, "The Death of Expertise"
I have a small personality, but I'm working on an enormous ego.
—"Ego" from Nobody Here
" from Nobody HereNeckbeard: Talkative, self-important nerdy men (usually age 30 and up) who, through an inability to properly decode social cues, mistake others' strained tolerance of their blather for evidence of their own charm.
Web Video
"Me! Hank Ishtar! The finest human being on earth!"
— Hank Ishtar, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
Vegeta: The f#^$ a "Kami"?
Krillin: Basically God.
Vegeta: But I'm still here!
Trunks: Do you really believe your own hype that much?!
Vegeta: I AM THE HYPE!
Krillin: Basically God.
Vegeta: But I'm still here!
Trunks: Do you really believe your own hype that much?!
Vegeta: I AM THE HYPE!
Dunkey: That's it, man. I'm unsubscribing.
Nitroguy: I don't give a fuck, I don't want a shitty on my fucking Twitch!
Other player: Your mom's your only subscriber.
Nitroguy: Actually I have like six hundred and I've only been streaming a month so fuckin' RIP, ya idiot! FUCKIN' RIP!
Dunkey: But it says here you only have one.
Nitroguy: Not really, I have like six hundred followers and I've only been streaming a month so RIP again!
Other player 2: You must feel very proud.
Nitroguy: Well, I'm better than all y'all, so, I mean, not really proud, just, y'know, there's that.
Dunkey: But you're number three on the leaderboard. You aren't even—
Nitroguy: I'm not even really trying, though, so RIP!
Nitroguy: I don't give a fuck, I don't want a shitty on my fucking Twitch!
Other player: Your mom's your only subscriber.
Nitroguy: Actually I have like six hundred and I've only been streaming a month so fuckin' RIP, ya idiot! FUCKIN' RIP!
Dunkey: But it says here you only have one.
Nitroguy: Not really, I have like six hundred followers and I've only been streaming a month so RIP again!
Other player 2: You must feel very proud.
Nitroguy: Well, I'm better than all y'all, so, I mean, not really proud, just, y'know, there's that.
Dunkey: But you're number three on the leaderboard. You aren't even—
Nitroguy: I'm not even really trying, though, so RIP!
I don't get this way of thinking among wrestlers: "my best drawing years are behind me, I'm not working right now, I really need money, but I'm not jobbing to the second biggest star of this generation. Fuck him. Pay me."
—V1, OSW Review
Pepperman: Welcome Peppino... to your final fight!
Peppino: Actually, uh... this is the first-a one...
Pepperman: [Pizzaface] made me the beginner boss?! But I'm perfect!!!
Peppino: Actually, uh... this is the first-a one...
Pepperman: [Pizzaface] made me the beginner boss?! But I'm perfect!!!
Western Animation
"I am the cheese! I am the best character on the show! I am better than both the salami and bologna combined!"
"Somewhere down there is this Darkwing Duck. I've watched him. I know his weakness. His posing, his flamboyance, the mask and cape! Ha, ha! That hat! It all indicates an ego the size of a small planet!"
— Taurus Bulba, Darkwing Duck
"I know I'm special. This isn't news to me."
— Cartman, South Park
"And now I can catch up on my beauty sleep, not that I need any."
— Vicky, The Fairly Oddparents
Elise: Dan, land the helicopter and let the minor celebrity go!
Helicopter Hal: Minor celebrity?!
Dan: You really didn't know, did you?
Helicopter Hal: Minor celebrity?!
Dan: You really didn't know, did you?
"DEAR INTERNET I BECOME MORE AND MORE IMPORTANT EVERY DAY"
INTERNET I BECOME MORE AND MORE IMPORTANT EVERY DAY"—Peridot, Steven Universe
"Sometimes, it's really tiring to be such a large and splendid engine. One does have to keep up appearances so."
— Gordon, Thomas & Friends, "Off the Rails"
"Before you do anything, think, 'Is this what Sky Lynx would do in my position?', and you will not go far wrong."
— Sky Lynx, The Transformers, "Call of the Primitives"
"It warms the loins of my heartgroin, this is the crucible of nobility's guardian! The cradle of humanity's holiest hero!"
—Xavier walking into his former childhood home (now repurposed into a strip club), Xavier: Renegade Angel
Real Life
The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts.
One of the most powerful of all our passions is the desire to be admired and respected.
—Bertrand Russell, Sceptical Essays
I can't let myself get a big ego while I'm writing this script. I have to remember that this isn't about me. I am merely a scribe for God as He channels His divine message through me.
— Anonymous Script Writer, for an unreleased film.
Tell me what you boast about and I'll tell you what you lack.
— Spanish Proverb
Stor i orden, men liten på Jorden. Rough translation
— Swedish Proverb
"It is not enough to wear the mantle of Galileo; that you be persecuted by an unkind establishment. You must also be right."
— Miscellaneous (attributed to Robert L. Park)
