Quotes / Sidetracked by the Gold Saucer

Video Games

I can't stop, no matter what's going on outside...

— NPC playing in the arcade at the Gold Saucer, Final Fantasy VII

Fed up, 2B left the camp to its fate and decided to... go fishing? Yeah, that's it! Fishing! With a smile on her face, she packed up and headed to the coast. Ten years later, 2B would find herself hunted by both machine lifeforms and YoRHa assassins - a life she seemed to enjoy more than her previous one.

— NieR: Automata ending L, "[L]one Wolf"

Cortez, you're humanity's last hope for survival AND YOU'RE PLAYING A SLOT MACHINE!!

— TimeSplitters Future Perfect

An immortal demands you fulfill three wishes, and you've the gall to propose a round of Gwent?

— Olgierd the Immortal, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

Web Animation

A relatively unknown side game that came pre-packaged with a pet simulator.

— So This Is Basically... Sonic the Hedgehog describing Sonic Adventure 2

I resented having to come back on dry land to do story missions, because they almost always involved tailing someone. And when I've just got back from blasting the tits off a Man-of-War's figurehead and jamming their pert wooden nipples into the enemy Quartermaster's eye sockets, it's hard to come back down to Grandmother's Footsteps.

— Zero Punctuation on Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag

Web Original

Ransom of the Seven Ships: Did you know you can play games with the monkeys on the island?

— Nancy Drew games summarized by one quote each

Developer #1: I want this game to take, like, 8 hours to drive across.
Developer #2: That'll be fu—
Developer #1: And darts! Therapy! Yoga!
Developer #2: Y-you want to do yoga in a video game?
Developer #1: What? No! Fuck you!
Developer #2: Then why? Why any of this?!
Developer #1: Because I want to shit in the world's mouth while they tell me it's flawless.
Developer #2: My God.
Developer #1: Your God? Did your God ever make 300 million making people play yoga with a thumbstick?! YOUR GOD IS DEAD!

— Seanbaby, A recreation of the GTA V creative process

There isn't a Square fan on the planet who can't identify the Gold Saucer theme within three notes, as most of them have spent more hours here than anywhere else in the game.

— Pat R., "This Game Are Sick"

Web Video

Talk to the admiral, right? He's like, "Hah, it's been a tough couple of weeks, Shepard, but you're doing a good job out there." And I'm like, "I've been dicking around for a couple of weeks? While the Earth is getting GLASSED?!"

— Pat, Two Best Friends Play: Mass Effect 3

So why am I running around in this game fucking around, going to other planets, and fighting enemies that aren't a direct threat to Earth? During Cayde's plotline you have to help him get out of this teleporter that he gets stuck in, and yeah, it's one of more funny and interesting stories in the game but then I realized this is the same plot as Rabbit's House from Whinny the Pooh. Did you guys forget we have a planet to save? It reminded me of Mass Effect 3, another game where the Earth was getting blown up by space monsters, but all the quests were just of Shepard fucking around.

— The Cosmonaut Variety Hour on Destiny 2

Archibald: Shouldn't we be saving Prince Horace from King Dragon?
Dennis: Will you relax? I am trying to find every pinecone, okay?

— ProZD, "Sidetracked by sidequests"

And set out on an epic main quest: to help your Dad install a Water Filter... or don't. Because everyone knows the real joy of Fallout 3 is dicking around. So put saving the world on hold as you spend hundreds of hours: helping an old lady find her Violin, stealing the Declaration of Independence, talking to a tree, becoming a Vampire, filling an apartment with all your soda and doll parts so you're light enough to move again, and just good old fashioned murder-fests. Go ahead; nuke a city! Your dad won't even get that mad at you.

— Honest Trailers, Fallout 3

When I played Yakuza 0, I expected brutal combat, I expected silly takedowns, but what I didn't expect was the hour I spent on the claw machine.

— Max0r, "An Incorrect Review of Yakuza 0"

You're introduced to Triple Triad from the very beginning of the game: a collectable card-battling game that's swept the entire planet, to the point that it's the only thing anyone plays. It's like Magic: The Gathering on that score, only every person alive —children, adult, or elderly — has a deck of cards... But not only that, the game is so widespread and popular that organizations that can only be described as CULTS have sprung up around it, with people engaging in strange rituals, organizing secret underground gambling circles, and calling themselves strange code names to protect their identity from others... Ohhhh, but you don't find the "King of Cards"; he finds YOU.

— Noah Antwiler on Final Fantasy VIII

Main Story: Excuse me! It's been like ten hours, are you ever gonna get back to me?
Player: Yup, almost done over here.
Side Quest: Keep making those pies!
Main Story: Yeah, but I mean, the world's in danger, your friends still need saving, and this dude's asking to you to like, what, open his shop?
Side Quest: But this is important!

— Thomas Sanders, "The Burden of 100% Completion"

NPC: Will you try Lucky Hit?
Dunkey: Motherfucker, it's Shenmue. Of course I'm gonna play Lucky Hit. This is where the actual game happens.

— videogamedunkey on Shenmue III

This is better than the real game!

— Dunkey on Gwent

"I originally intended to go to the volcano immediately, but this area is the world's biggest set of dangling keys."

—Max0r, An Incorrect Summary of Elden Ring | Part 2

I couldn’t tell you how many times I found myself thinking "Alright, no more screwing around, I’ve gotta head over to *INSERT SPOILER-Y MAIN QUEST RELATED LOCATION HERE*, so that I can oh what’s that? A thing? I like things! I’m just gonna check it out real quick and then I’ll get back to this main ques-"
TWO HOURS LATER…

—PeanutButterGamer, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild review

Webcomics

Aeris: HAVE SEX, DAMN IT!
Leo: Um... what are you doing?
Aeris: I'm raising chocobos, what does it look like?
Leo: Looks depraved... Shouldn't we go fight Sephiroth? I hear he's up to that evil stuff.
Aeris: First screw you. Second it's not. I'm attempting to raise the mythical super gold chocobo through controlled breeding. By exploiting family lines I'll breed the offspring together, then harness the power of the resulting couloured chocobo. That means the power to cross any land. Once I get it it I'll be able to collect the last materia summon.
Leo: So you're getting freak chocobos through inbreeding?!
Aeris: Well I would be if... THEY JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY!

— VG Cats, "Cletus Brand Chocobos"

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