"The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."
PR Guy: Our company is skilled in many other things that are never reported by the biased media.
Media quote: Our company ____killed___m____other t__________er_________e______________s_______a.
Media quote: Our company ____killed___m____other t__________er_________e______________s_______a.
"...Goddamn white producers with their goddamn white flashes! *Flash* ...They can edit us and make us say whatever they want! *Flash* ...my... *Flash* ...taint... *Flash* ...is... *Flash* ...made... *Flash* ...out... *Flash* ...of... *Flash* ...bacon... *Flash* ...STOP IT!! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! My taint? 100% pure bacon."
— Foxxy Love, Drawn Together
Eduardo: Who ordered that? Huh?
Bootsie: You told us we could have it, Daddy. Don't you remember?
Bootsie (on tape) Can we have a giant 28-foot ice cream frog?
Ootsie: That sings Yankee Doodle?
Eduardo: (on the tape, but from a conversation he had with someone else over the phone) Absolutely, that's a capital idea. (to Ootsie and Bootsie) Huh, well so I did.
Bootsie: You told us we could have it, Daddy. Don't you remember?
Bootsie (on tape) Can we have a giant 28-foot ice cream frog?
Ootsie: That sings Yankee Doodle?
Eduardo: (on the tape, but from a conversation he had with someone else over the phone) Absolutely, that's a capital idea. (to Ootsie and Bootsie) Huh, well so I did.
— PB&J Otter, "Invitation to the Snooties"
"Give me six lines written by the most honorable of men, and I will find an excuse in them to hang him."
"One theater marquee quotes the New York Times: "A kinky turn on!" I looked up that Times review. Its opening sentence was, "Let us now consider a piece of junk."
— Roger Ebert reviews The Night Porter
"The worst readers are those who behave like plundering troops: they take away a few things they can use, dirty and confound the remainder, and revile the whole."
Most reality show audio is made up of "Frankenbites," sound bites that have been patched together from the corpses of other sentences. Basically, any time the camera cuts away from a person's lips, there's a solid chance they're speaking ground English. Here, I'll give you a for instance: (cut to Hell's Kitchen)
Original: "My dad had 2 full time jobs when I was 8, and he still found time to throw a football and give food to the homeless shelter. He is why I became a chef."
Good Frankenbite: "My dad... is why I became a chef."
Bad Frankenbite: "My dad... ate kids. He is why I give footjobs to the homeless."
Original: "My dad had 2 full time jobs when I was 8, and he still found time to throw a football and give food to the homeless shelter. He is why I became a chef."
Good Frankenbite: "My dad... is why I became a chef."
Bad Frankenbite: "My dad... ate kids. He is why I give footjobs to the homeless."
Probably our favorite part of this story is where they quote the magazine saying canola oils "are ... toxic to humans." We're thinking the words they omitted for the ellipses there were, "obviously" and "not."
"YEEEESS! HOORAY FOR THE NAZIS! YEEEEEAHHH! (Please don't take this out of context and put it on YouTube.)"
"You might say 'Protesters were out in force, but my men used restraint, and no civilians were injured.' What actually airs might be 'My men used force, and civilians were injured.'"
— Ennesby, Schlock Mercenary July 14, 2008
"TV Guide reviewed [the miniseries based on Sidney Sheldon's "Master of the Game"] as 'a masterpiece of incoherence and bad acting,' which was undoubtedly edited in the network promos to read as 'A masterpiece! —TV Guide.'"
"] as 'a masterpiece of incoherence and bad acting,' which was undoubtedly edited in the network promos to read as 'A masterpiece! —TV Guide.'""Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell, no I wouldn't. ...What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! ...Hello? Hello?"
— Tom Clancy, The Simpsons, "Diatribe of a Mad Housewife"
"...that great Sesame Street Christmas special from 1978...!"
"A Special Sesame Street Christmas... was... a dream... special!"
"...big... guest star(s)!"
"100%... good!"
"amazingly... magic!"
"Ethel Merman... sticks her arms out!"
"A Special Sesame Street Christmas... was... a dream... special!"
"...big... guest star(s)!"
"100%... good!"
"amazingly... magic!"
"Ethel Merman... sticks her arms out!"
— Ryan Roe in response to suspicions that the review quotes from possibly nonexistent websites on the back cover of the A Special Sesame Street Christmas DVD were quote-mined from this review the site did from 10 years earlier.
that the review quotes from possibly nonexistent websites on the back cover of the A Special Sesame Street Christmas DVD were quote-mined from this review the site did from 10 years earlier."Hey! You're doing that thing again where you take everything I say out of context. You're trying to make it look like I think Coolsville sucks! ...No, don't record that!"
— Fred Jones, Scooby-Doo: Monsters Unleashed
Mortimer: Tell you what. How's about we settle this with a little beach volleyball? Winner takes the cutie to the luau.
Mickey: You mean let's treat Minnie like...like she's a trophy? Never!
[later]
Mortimer: Well, congratulations. Looks like you won your trophy after all.
Minnie: Trophy? You mean I'm some kind of a prize?!
Mortimer: Sure, like Mickey said: "Let's treat Minnie like she's a trophy."
Minnie: Mickey Mouse!
Mickey: You mean let's treat Minnie like...like she's a trophy? Never!
[later]
Mortimer: Well, congratulations. Looks like you won your trophy after all.
Minnie: Trophy? You mean I'm some kind of a prize?!
Mortimer: Sure, like Mickey said: "Let's treat Minnie like she's a trophy."
Minnie: Mickey Mouse!
—Mickey Mouse Works, "Mickey's Rival Returns"
"Wait! This isn't fair! You just took a bunch of comments out of context and strung 'em together to make me look rotten! Snappy editing, though."
Megatron: (quoting the Covenant of Primus) "And there came a hero who said, 'Hurt not the earth, nor the sea, nor the trees, nor the very fabric of time.' But the hero would not prevail."
Optimus Primal: Finish the quote, Megatron! "Nor would he surrender!"
— Beast Wars, "Nemesis (Part 2)"
Commercial: 9/10 unplanned pregnancies are caused by sexting.
Doctor: I'm a medical doctor, and I don't think that's accurate.
Commercial: "...that's accurate", says professional medical doctor.
—CollegeHumor, "Doctor Claims Sexting Causes Pregnancy"
