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Comic Books
Jeremiah: What I did miss?
Edna: Just the launch, Jeremiah. But the new uniform sure fits.
Supergirl: Comms are live. I can hear you two.
Edna: We're your parents, Kara. We're not dead.
Edna: Just the launch, Jeremiah. But the new uniform sure fits.
Supergirl: Comms are live. I can hear you two.
Edna: We're your parents, Kara. We're not dead.
— Supergirl (Rebirth) #1
Linda: How did this happen?!
Fred: What—
Linda: Are you responsible for this?
Fred: What the hell kind of question's that?
Linda: Haven't you ever heard of protection?
Fred: I had a gun nearby. Didn't help.
Sylvia: Remember that afternoon you kind of surprised us, when your dad and I reconciled? Well, I think that's when...
Linda: Oh, I SO don't need to hear that! Jeez, Ma, you're too old old to be having—
Sylvia: Sex?
Linda: I was gonna say "a baby", but yeah, the other thing, too.
Fred: What—
Linda: Are you responsible for this?
Fred: What the hell kind of question's that?
Linda: Haven't you ever heard of protection?
Fred: I had a gun nearby. Didn't help.
Sylvia: Remember that afternoon you kind of surprised us, when your dad and I reconciled? Well, I think that's when...
Linda: Oh, I SO don't need to hear that! Jeez, Ma, you're too old old to be having—
Sylvia: Sex?
Linda: I was gonna say "a baby", but yeah, the other thing, too.
— Supergirl vol 4, Many Happy Returns
Samantha: I'm totally moving in, by the way. I'm sick of my parents' place. We can move into the master bedroom.
Mark: No way. My parents have had sex in there.
Samantha: From what your mom told me, if that'll keep you out of a room we should probably just stay outside.
Mark: No way. My parents have had sex in there.
Samantha: From what your mom told me, if that'll keep you out of a room we should probably just stay outside.
— Invincible #80
Fan Works
"Is it any wonder we get written as bunnies, doing everyone at every opportunity?" Legolas said darkly. To his amazement, his father only smiled.
"Alas, they do not realise that since we do not arrange marriages among Elves and marry only when we are most certain it is love, we like to enjoy the rewards of such a strong love. Your mother and I have enjoyed..."
This time, Legolas put his own hands over his ears and blocked the rest of the sentence out. Some things were the same, be you Elf, Human or Balrog. There were mental images concerning your parents that just weren't right.
"Alas, they do not realise that since we do not arrange marriages among Elves and marry only when we are most certain it is love, we like to enjoy the rewards of such a strong love. Your mother and I have enjoyed..."
This time, Legolas put his own hands over his ears and blocked the rest of the sentence out. Some things were the same, be you Elf, Human or Balrog. There were mental images concerning your parents that just weren't right.
Soldier: [nodding] I don't see how she could have been right about it: he was able to touch the Silmaril, after all, and if mortal flesh were inherently corrupt that oughtn't have been possible. — How come Men are so peculiar about something as normal as the conception of their own offspring? I've never understood why you all make such an issue of it, especially since you need so many of them. Why would mortal parents want to pretend to their children that they just happen along out of thin air —
Ranger: — or under rocks, don't forget under rocks —
[Beren covers his face with his hand, laughing in spite of himself]
Soldier: — even when everyone knows it isn't true?
First Guard: [musingly] I think for the same reason that mortal children want to pretend the same thing. It's like the time we were visiting Eithel Sirion and there was a new human guardsman there who wanted to know what the celebration was for, and we told him, and after he finished coughing and someone fetched him a new drink, it turned out he thought we were joking.
Third Guard: You saying back, "You mean you don't remember it?" didn't help convince him otherwise. It was funny, but we never understood why the High King's Men would rather congratulate the Prince on his birth than his conception. It seemed like silly semantic games to me.
Second Guard: We could ask Beren instead of speculating.
First Guard: We could, but he'd just get even more embarrassed than he already is.
Ranger: — or under rocks, don't forget under rocks —
[Beren covers his face with his hand, laughing in spite of himself]
Soldier: — even when everyone knows it isn't true?
First Guard: [musingly] I think for the same reason that mortal children want to pretend the same thing. It's like the time we were visiting Eithel Sirion and there was a new human guardsman there who wanted to know what the celebration was for, and we told him, and after he finished coughing and someone fetched him a new drink, it turned out he thought we were joking.
Third Guard: You saying back, "You mean you don't remember it?" didn't help convince him otherwise. It was funny, but we never understood why the High King's Men would rather congratulate the Prince on his birth than his conception. It seemed like silly semantic games to me.
Second Guard: We could ask Beren instead of speculating.
First Guard: We could, but he'd just get even more embarrassed than he already is.
Naruto: Why do you fear so much being sealed inside that statue? Is it any worse than being sealed inside me?
Kurama: To put it into terms your feeble human mind can understand, imagine if somebody tried to shove you back into your mother's womb.
Naruto: (wincing) EWWWWW, GROSS!
Kurama: To put it into terms your feeble human mind can understand, imagine if somebody tried to shove you back into your mother's womb.
Naruto: (wincing) EWWWWW, GROSS!
Film — Live-Action
Sunny Soke: That guy never rocked a clit in his life. And that is one piece of motherly advice I hope you took to heart. You motorboat that O-button till she's speaking in tongues.
Willie Soke: You know what "son" means, right?
Willie Soke: You know what "son" means, right?
Couldn’t you have waited until I was asleep? Or DEAD?!
— Michael, You Don't Mess with the Zohan
Literature
“Should we build a house now?” Alexander asked.
“Why?” Tatiana said. “You can leave the door unlocked in a brand new house just as well as in our mobile home. But now you better go talk to your son, Shura.”
“Oh suddenly it’s a mobile home, not a trailer—and what am I supposed to say to him?”
“I don’t know, Alexander Barrington, but you’re going to have to think of something, or do you want me to talk to him the way your mother talked to you?”
“All right, let’s just take one small step back toward reality,” said Alexander. “My family and I were living in a communal apartment where the man in the next room kept bringing in whores he picked up at the train station. My mother had a responsibility. She was trying to scare me off with nightmarish stories of French disease. I don’t need to scare my boy off; I think what he’s seen tonight will put him off sex for life.”
“Why?” Tatiana said. “You can leave the door unlocked in a brand new house just as well as in our mobile home. But now you better go talk to your son, Shura.”
“Oh suddenly it’s a mobile home, not a trailer—and what am I supposed to say to him?”
“I don’t know, Alexander Barrington, but you’re going to have to think of something, or do you want me to talk to him the way your mother talked to you?”
“All right, let’s just take one small step back toward reality,” said Alexander. “My family and I were living in a communal apartment where the man in the next room kept bringing in whores he picked up at the train station. My mother had a responsibility. She was trying to scare me off with nightmarish stories of French disease. I don’t need to scare my boy off; I think what he’s seen tonight will put him off sex for life.”
— The Summer Garden, by Paullina Simons
Live-Action TV
Lorelai: When did this reconciliation happen?
Emily: Yesterday.
Richard: And last night. And this morning.
Emily: Richard!
Lorelai: (muttering) Don't ask questions, don't ask questions, don't ask questions.
Emily: Yesterday.
Richard: And last night. And this morning.
Emily: Richard!
Lorelai: (muttering) Don't ask questions, don't ask questions, don't ask questions.
— Gilmore Girls, "Come Home"
Martin: You know, when I first met your mother she was so upbeat and bouncy I used to fantasize about her wearing a skimpy little cheerleader's outfit, shaking her pom-poms...
Frasier and Niles: Dad!
Martin: Grow up, you two! I'm just saying it's perfectly natural. I can't tell you the number of times I was on a stake-out in the cold, picturing your mother in front of a warm fire wearing nothing but a...
Frasier and Niles: DAD!
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. (Sarcasm Mode) One day your mother and I went on a church picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets.
Niles: Now, was that so hard?
Frasier and Niles: Dad!
Martin: Grow up, you two! I'm just saying it's perfectly natural. I can't tell you the number of times I was on a stake-out in the cold, picturing your mother in front of a warm fire wearing nothing but a...
Frasier and Niles: DAD!
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. (Sarcasm Mode) One day your mother and I went on a church picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets.
Niles: Now, was that so hard?
— Frasier, "It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave"
Momma No! Aaaaaaah! Oh! Aaargh! You? Him?! Here?! Eeaaauughhh! I need a moment... (beat, struggling to compose himself) I'm an adult. I can handle this. I'm okay. (beat) MOMMA NOOOO!
— Will, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air after walking in on his mom in bed with a man
Web Comics
Integra: Oh, no. Do I want to hear about my father’s teenage conquests?
Alucard: You wouldn’t want to hear my version. But with this narrator, I think you’re all right.
Integra: How so?
Alucard: He sees two people kissing and assumes they must be engaged. He wouldn’t know innuendo if it bit him in the neck.
Integra: Point taken.
Alucard: You wouldn’t want to hear my version. But with this narrator, I think you’re all right.
Integra: How so?
Alucard: He sees two people kissing and assumes they must be engaged. He wouldn’t know innuendo if it bit him in the neck.
Integra: Point taken.
"Someone please kill me again."
— Red Hood (Jason Todd) after Batman forgets to turn off his comms before flirting with Catwoman, Batman: Wayne Family Adventures
Web Original
(309): I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed...
(607): I can year my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
(315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Danny: Isn't that weird to think about? You were Lloyd Hanson's jizz!
Arin: Aww, why'd you have to name him? That just makes it a thousand times worse!
Danny: Lloyd's jizz! That's how you started your existence on this Earth! Our buddy Lloyd shot you out of his balls!
Arin: Alright! That's great!
Danny: Sorry.
Arin: Isn't that weird to think about though that—
Danny: And then Maurette's egg!!
Arin: —Okay. Cool, man.
Danny: …Took that jizz, and formed you. But they'd done it before, 'cuz your brother was previous jizz. [Beat] God, nature is amazing! [they start laughing] What a beautiful act ordained by God!
Arin: Creator of the dinosaurs to test our faith!
Arin: Aww, why'd you have to name him? That just makes it a thousand times worse!
Danny: Lloyd's jizz! That's how you started your existence on this Earth! Our buddy Lloyd shot you out of his balls!
Arin: Alright! That's great!
Danny: Sorry.
Arin: Isn't that weird to think about though that—
Danny: And then Maurette's egg!!
Arin: —Okay. Cool, man.
Danny: …Took that jizz, and formed you. But they'd done it before, 'cuz your brother was previous jizz. [Beat] God, nature is amazing! [they start laughing] What a beautiful act ordained by God!
Arin: Creator of the dinosaurs to test our faith!
This wasn't what I was expecting from an ancient tome of love making. I figured it would say HOW TO MAKE LOVE STEP ONE: Running Start. STEP TWO: Continue step one for 50 years until scientists invent the female orgasm. Instead, what I found was confirmation of what I'd always hoped: My grandparents never had sex ever, for any reason.
— Seanbaby on a 1936 pamphlet entitled "How To Make Love", ''The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books
Tara: I think most of you can attest, like, everybody knows that their parents have had sex at least one because you exist. Nobody really wants to picture it, nobody really wants to think that much about it [...] There are things about your parents that you're just... you're just happier not knowing, you know? Like, it just, there's a—and maybe that means we're too—I generally think we are too puritanical as a society, so maybe that's me being a hypocrite, but I feel like there are some boundaries in relationships that just keep everybody happier.
Nash: It's kinda like the Ark of the Covenant. You leave that shit shut, because if you open it, your head's gonna melt. You don't—there's some things you don't fuck with.
— What the Fuck Is Wrong with You?, in the episode "Five Nights at Realdolls".
Stolas: Now, I'm calling the only man who can (bleep) me.
Octavia: What?
Stolas: Who can protect me! Us! Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know.
Octavia: (groans)
Octavia: What?
Stolas: Who can protect me! Us! Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know.
Octavia: (groans)
—- Helluva Boss
Stolas (over the phone): Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy.
Blitzo (spit-takes): WHAT!?
Octavia: THE?!
Blitzo: FUCK?!
Octavia: DAD?!
Stolas: Language, everyone!
Blitzo (spit-takes): WHAT!?
Octavia: THE?!
Blitzo: FUCK?!
Octavia: DAD?!
Stolas: Language, everyone!
Western Animation
Abe: What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind. You wouldn't understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopic-silicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N— yes! But please, don't you say that word!
Abe: What, "seeex"? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about seeex? I had seeeex.
Homer: [shudders]
Homer: Never mind. You wouldn't understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopic-silicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N— yes! But please, don't you say that word!
Abe: What, "seeex"? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about seeex? I had seeeex.
Homer: [shudders]
— The Simpsons, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"
Lois: Oh Peter, I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches!
Chris: Gross! (runs out of the room)
Peter: I wanna wreck you so bad that you'll look like an exploded hot pocket!
Meg: Oh my god! (runs out)
Stewie: Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?
Chris: Gross! (runs out of the room)
Peter: I wanna wreck you so bad that you'll look like an exploded hot pocket!
Meg: Oh my god! (runs out)
Stewie: Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?
— Family Guy, "Call Girl"
Stan: Hey, champ. I, uh, wanted to talk to you. You know, about what you just saw. Because things aren't always what they appear. (Steve smiles hopefully) Sometimes when someone is choking, you have to get behind them and give them the Heimlich. (beat) This was not that. (Steve's face falls) I was not helping your mother with a leg cramp. I was not giving her a lying-down hug. I was not helping her look for her contact. (punches the air) I was plowing, Steve.
Steve: (shocked) Oh, my goodness.
Steve: (shocked) Oh, my goodness.
— American Dad!, "I Am The Walrus"
You...you saw Mother's...VAGINA?! Oh God! Oh, oh God, Oh, I can't breathe!
— Sterling Archer
The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.
— Nathan Explosion, Metalocalypse
