History Quotes / ParentalSexualitySquick

->'''Stolas''' (''over the phone'') Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy.\\
'''Blitzo''' (''spit-takes'') WHAT!?\\

->'''Stolas:''' Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy.\\

'''Octavia:''' DAD?!

->'''Stan:''' Hey, champ. I, uh, wanted to talk to you. You know, about what you just saw. Because things aren't always what they appear. ''(Steve smiles hopefully)'' Sometimes when someone is choking, you have to get behind them and give them the Heimlich. ''(beat)'' This was not that. ''(Steve's face falls)'' I was not helping your mother with a leg cramp. I was not giving her a lying-down hug. I was not helping her look for her contact. ''(punches the air)'' I was plowing, Steve.\\

'''Stewie:''' [[IncestSubtext Can I interest]] [[RefugeInAudacity you guys in a]] [[DepravedBisexual two-and-a-quarter way?]]

->'''Octavia:''' ''What?''\\
->'''Stolas:''' [[VerbalBackpedaling Who can protect me! Us!]] Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know.\\
->'''Octavia:''' ''(groans)''

-->-- '''[[BackFromTheDead Red Hood (Jason Todd)]]''' after Batman forgets to turn his comms before flirting with Catwoman, ''Webcomic/BatmanWayneFamilyAdventures''

-->-- [[BackFromTheDead Red Hood (Jason Todd)]] after Batman forgets to turn his comms before flirting with Catwoman, ''Webcomic/BatmanWayneFamilyAdventures''

--->'''Integra:''' Oh, no. Do I ''want'' to hear about my father’s teenage conquests?\\

'''Homer:''' N-- yes! But please, don't ''you'' say that word!\\

'''Abe:''' flu?\\

->'''Abe:''' What's wrong with your wife? The flu?\\

'''Emily:''' Yesterday\\

'''Lorelai:''' ''(muttering)''' Don't ask questions, don't ask questions, don't ask questions.

'''Richard:'''' And last night. And this morning.\\

->'''Abe:''' What's wrong with your wife? The flu?\\
'''Homer:''' No.\\
'''Abe:''' Protein deficiency?\\
'''Homer:''' No.\\
'''Abe:''' Pneumonoultramicroscopic-silicovolcanoconiosis?\\
'''Homer:''' No.\\
'''Abe:''' Unsatisfying sex life?\\
'''Homer:''' N-- yes! But please, don't ''you'' say that word!\\
'''Abe:''' What, "seeex"? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about ''seeex''? I had ''seeeex''.\\
'''Homer:''' ''[shudders]''
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'', "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

->'''Lois:''' Oh Peter, I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches!\\
'''Chris:''' Gross! ''(runs out of the room)''\\
'''Peter:''' I wanna wreck you so bad that you'll look like an exploded hot pocket!\\
'''Meg:''' Oh my god! ''(runs out)''\\
'''Stewie:''' [[IncestSubtext Can I interest]] [[RefugeInAudacity you guys in a]] [[DepravedBisexual two-and-a-quarter way?]]
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/FamilyGuy'', "Call Girl"

->Couldn’t you have waited until I was asleep? Or DEAD?!
-->-- '''Michael''', ''Film/YouDontMessWithTheZohan''

->'''Stan:''' Hey, champ. I, uh, wanted to talk to you. You know, about what you just saw. Because things aren't always what they appear. ''(Steve smiles hopefully)'' Sometimes when someone is choking, you have to get behind them and give them the Heimlich. ''(beat)'' This was not that. ''(Steve's face falls)'' I was not helping your mother with a leg cramp. I was not giving her a lying-down hug. I was not helping her look for her contact. ''(punches the air)'' I was plowing, Steve.\\
'''Steve:''' ''(shocked)'' Oh, my goodness.
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/AmericanDad'', "I Am The Walrus"

->You...you saw Mother's...VAGINA?! Oh God! Oh, oh God, Oh, I can't breathe!
-->-- '''Sterling WesternAnimation/{{Archer}}'''

-->--'''[[Creator/WillSmith Will]]''', ''Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir'' after walking in on his mom in bed with a man

->The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.
-->--'''Nathan Explosion''', ''WesternAnimation/{{Metalocalypse}}''

-->--WebSite/TextsFromLastNight

->'''Jeremiah:''' What I did miss?\\
'''Edna:''' Just the '''launch''', Jeremiah. But the new uniform sure fits.\\
'''Comicbook/{{Supergirl}}:''' Comms are live. I can '''hear''' you two.\\
'''Edna:''' We're your '''parents''', Kara. We're not '''dead'''.
-->-- ''Comicbook/SupergirlRebirth #1''

->'''Linda:''' How did this happen?!\\
'''Fred:''' What--\\
'''Linda:''' Are you responsible for this?\\
'''Fred:''' What the hell kind of question's that?\\
'''Linda:''' Haven't you ever heard of protection?\\
'''Fred:''' I had a gun nearby. Didn't help.\\
'''Sylvia:''' Remember that afternoon you kind of surprised us, when your dad and I reconciled? Well, I think that's when...\\
'''Linda:''' Oh, I SO don't need to hear that! Jeez, Ma, you're too old old to be having--\\
'''Sylvia:''' Sex?\\
'''Linda:''' I was gonna say "a baby", but yeah, the other thing, too.
-->--''Comicbook/{{Supergirl}} vol 4'', ''Comicbook/ManyHappyReturns''

->"Is it any wonder we get written as bunnies, doing everyone at every opportunity?" Legolas said darkly. To his amazement, his father only smiled.\\
"Alas, they do not realise that since we do not arrange marriages among Elves and marry only when we are most certain it is love, we like to enjoy the rewards of such a strong love. Your mother and I have enjoyed..."\\
This time, Legolas put his own hands over his ears and blocked the rest of the sentence out. Some things were the same, be you Elf, Human or Balrog. There were mental images concerning your parents that just weren't right.
-->-- ''Fanfic/TheOfficialFanfictionUniversityOfMiddleEarth''

->'''Soldier:''' [nodding] I don't see how she could have been right about it: he was able to touch the Silmaril, after all, and if mortal flesh were inherently corrupt that oughtn't have been possible. -- How come Men are so peculiar about something as normal as the conception of their own offspring? I've never understood why you all make such an issue of it, especially since you need so many of them. Why would mortal parents want to pretend to their children that they just happen along out of thin air --\\
'''Ranger:''' -- or under rocks, don't forget under rocks --\\
[Beren covers his face with his hand, laughing in spite of himself]\\
'''Soldier:''' -- even when everyone knows it isn't true?\\
'''First Guard:''' [musingly] I think for the same reason that mortal children want to pretend the same thing. It's like the time we were visiting Eithel Sirion and there was a new human guardsman there who wanted to know what the celebration was for, and we told him, and after he finished coughing and someone fetched him a new drink, it turned out he thought we were joking.\\
'''Third Guard:''' You saying back, "You mean you don't remember it?" didn't help convince him otherwise. It was funny, but we never understood why the High King's Men would rather congratulate the Prince on his birth than his conception. It seemed like silly semantic games to me.\\
'''Second Guard:''' We could ask Beren instead of speculating.\\
'''First Guard:''' We could, but he'd just get even more embarrassed than he already is.
-->-- ''Fanfic/ABoyAGirlAndADogTheLeithianScript''

->“Should we build a house now?” Alexander asked.\\
“Why?” Tatiana said. “You can leave the door unlocked in a brand new house just as well as in our mobile home. But now you better go talk to your son, Shura.”\\
“Oh suddenly it’s a mobile home, not a trailer--and what am I supposed to say to him?”\\
“I don’t know, Alexander Barrington, but you’re going to have to think of something, or do you want me to talk to him the way your mother talked to you?”\\
“All right, let’s just take one small step back toward reality,” said Alexander. “My family and I were living in a communal apartment where the man in the next room kept bringing in whores he picked up at the train station. My mother had a responsibility. She was trying to scare me off with nightmarish stories of [[TheDiseaseThatShallNotBeNamed French disease]]. I don’t need to scare my boy off; I think what he’s seen tonight will put him off sex for life.”
-->-- ''The Summer Garden'', by Paullina Simons

-->--'''{{Creator/Seanbaby}}''' on a 1936 pamphlet entitled "How To Make Love", ''[[https://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-f-like-a-librarian/ The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books]]

->'''Abe:''' Unsatisfying sex life?\\

-->-- '''Michael''', ‘’Film/YouDontMessWithTheZohan

-->-- ’’’Michael’’’, ‘’Film/YouDontMessWithTheZohan