Quotes / Only in Florida

”Florida, what are you doing?”

— Welcome To The Table intro

"After previous investigations in four different states, we've seen and heard some strange things, but even we were surprised at what we found here in Florida."

— Chris Hansen, Dateline: To Catch a Predator

“Kim Jong-un doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him. What that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down America. It’s called Florida.”

— Conan O'Brien, at the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner

"It was what amounted to a happy ending for the starring couple in a tragic and inimitably Floridian morality tale involving sex, liquor, self-defense law, erectile dysfunction and a man shot to death with his pants around his knees."

— The Tampa Bay Times, describing the case of a man killing his wife's lover.

Everyone from Florida is stupid.
Everyone from Florida is dumb.
I might not be the brightest guy, but next to them, my IQ's high.
If they had guitars, here's how they'd strum.
(unprofessional guitar solo)

— Family Guy, "Into Harmony's Way"

"I've heard a bit about [Florida] from demons who used to live there when they were humans. Apparently, it's essentially a very large retirement home in which bizarre, sometimes Lovecraftian events are rather commonplace. Is that about right?"

— Lust, We Are Our Avatars: Page 40008

"Florida, mmmh! I feel like Florida and Arizona are locked in a harm's race!"

— Jon Stewart, on the Trayvon Martin shooting and the Stand Your Ground law, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"Florida, you don't get to judge others when your state motto is, 'If Darwin was right, we wouldn't be here.'"

—Jon Stewart, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"In 2012 in Florida a staggering 88% of all license suspensions were due to failure to comply with summons or fines, which is insane. It also leaves only 12% for Florida's other most common violations: accidentally taking your golf cart on the freeway, feeding meth to an alligator, feeding an alligator to a meth dealer, and being an alligator meth dealer. Florida."

—John Oliver, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

"[The Miami Floridians] was a franchise with its own special lore. I don't know if it was the warm weather and people feeling like they could do anything they wanted, but there were a lot of crazy stories coming out of there, even by ABA standards."

—Rudy Martzke, quoted in Loose Balls: The Short, Wild Life of the American Basketball Association by Terry Pluto

O! Florida!
A southern drunken land!
Let's all get nude!
Because God's son commands!
We've filled our bras
With strange gew-gaws!
In the true South,
Mad and free!
With chainsaws in hand,
O! Florida!
We snort bath salts for thee!
God so commands
We get naked and party!
O! Florida!
We loose our tops for thee!
O! Florida!
We'll destroy the world for thee!

—Florida Anthem^note Sung to the tune of O! Canada!, Written by Derek the Bard for Radio Dead Air

Florida? But that's America's Wang!

— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, "Kill The Alligator And Run"

Chance: Everything you're about to see is real, and performed by unprofessionals! Plus — it's illegal... in 49 of the 50 states!
Jack the Clown: That's why we're doing it in Florida!

— Carnival of Carnage show, Universal's Halloween Horror Nights

"[These things are] nastier than any Earthlings I've ever encountered. And I've been to Florida."

— Stuart, 3Below, "Last Night on Earth"

If you saw this story in a newspaper, it'd probably start with the words "Florida Man."

— Cracked, "Beloved Movies (That Aged Horribly)" on Robin Williams' character's plan in Mrs. Doubtfire

I'm embarrassed to be from Florida.

— Young Jane, Jane the Virgin

Eleanor: But Tahani said that you helped Michael by putting your hand on his chest and doing some sort of "healing magic."
Jason: Yeah. A nurse did that to calm me down once when my Jet Ski crashed into a manatee.
Eleanor: You crashed your Jet Ski into a manatee?
Jason: Yeah. I'm from Jacksonville, Florida. It happens a lot.

— The Good Place

Jason: Claustrophobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Ohhh, the Jewish!
Eleanor: You from Florida?
Jason: Jacksonville!
Eleanor: Yeeeah.

— The Good Place

What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?

—Jerry, Seinfeld, "The Pen"

"It's just... everything at once; you'd never make Florida on purpose... Like, if it was a dinner party, you wouldn't be like 'Hey, you know who we should invite? A bunch of elderly Jewish people, and some really cool gay people from South Beach, and a bunch of conservative Cubans, and a woman that looks like Bret "The Hit Man" Hart driving a fanboat, and a possum, and an alligator, and twelve Serial Killers, and the richest people in the world trying not to pay taxes, and at the end of the dinner party, they decide who the President is!'"

—John Mulaney

Miss Coco Peru: That bothers me, Jack. If I wasn't on my way to Tampa to marry my sister...
Estefan: Hey, you cannot marry your sister!
Jack: In Florida you can.

— Will & Grace

“Meanwhile, a Florida man got a DUI after crashing a lawnmower into a police car. Yet another headline that did not need to specify what state it happened in."

— Stephen Colbert, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

They got meth labs and Magic Kingdoms
Titty bars and the KKK
And when shit goes down
You can stand your ground
And blow your neighbor away
Because anything goes in Florida
Baby, let the good times roll
If there’s a law, you can duck it
If you catch it, you can fuck it
It’s America’s glory hole
Talkin’ anything, anywhere
Any night and any day
In FLA

—Big Mouth, "Florida".

JJ: We've got a bad one.
Morgan: How bad?
JJ: Florida.

—Criminal Minds

Okay, so the short version is, it's May 5th, 1993. The programmer, Sean Puckett, has just gone to bed, when he hears this constant droning sound. He looks out the window, and his whole house is covered in green light. At this point, he's getting concerned, because this is unusual, even for Florida.

— Ross Scott paraphrasing the backstory of Helious, a video game supposedly made by aliens, Ross's Game Dungeon

'Well I'm movin' down to Florida.
And you know that I'm gonna haftapotty train the chairman Mao.
I'm gonna make the governor write my doodoo a letter, child. And then I'm gonna grind me up a White Castle slider out of a India sacred cow.
Well, I'm going down to Florida, child and I'm gonna build me the atomic bomb.
I'm gonna hold time hostage down in Florida, child.
Ain't nobody, ain't nobody, gonna tell me what to do.
Stepchild!

— Butthole Surfers, Moving To Florida

Rhett: Do you think that you can tell the difference between a real [news] article and a fake article?
Link: Uh... If it's in Florida, I know that it's real. Otherwise, I presume that it's fake.

— Good Mythical Morning

I’m wherever there is true Floridian spirit to be found. Every time someone tosses an alligator through the drive thru window at McDonald's as a prank, I’ll be there. Every time a drunk spring breaker falls off a hotel balcony, I’ll be there. Every time someone’s baby shoots them by accident, I’ll be there. Because Florida isn’t a place… it’s a state of being.

—Florida Man, Less is Morgue, "Floridian Gothic"

"Dumb. Florida. Moron."

— Tommy Vercetti, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

"I work in Miami. Nothing shocks me. When I pull somebody over, they usually got a tiger in the backseat and an alligator in the trunk to guard the cocaine. It's the only city in America when NBA players are the best behaved people."

— Officer Frank Medina (Kenan Thompson), Saturday Night Live, January 25, 2014 edition of Weekend Update

Should you settle down in the Sunshine State?
You should know of its tangled fate
How the conquistador came to Florida
Long before it had a name
The medicine man of the Seminole
Knelt by the sacred flame and cursed the soul
Of the conquistador
And his son, and his sons, and the young ones
Of the Florida man
Florida man (Florida man)
Florida man (Florida man)
Florida man (Florida man)
Florida man
Down at the mall, where the boas crawl
Ted makes love to a concrete wall
His brother Red said his Uncle Ned
Found Elvis in a loaf of bread
(Florida man)
High on meth, there's little Beth
The neighbor's cat is on her breath (Florida man)
Dan dreams he's got red wings of fire
He's waking an' shaking on a power wire
Florida man (Florida man)
(He's cursed)
Florida man (Florida man)
Florida man (Florida man)
Florida man
Slim sees his face on a moonlit wave
He grabs a shovel and digs his own grave (Florida man)
Lee hates plate glass, he drives right through it
Said Alice's caterpillar made him do it (Florida man)
A Miami nurse snatches a purse
And drives down the freeway in reverse (Florida man)
Phil asks the cops to test his drugs
After they find him hiding under a rug
Florida man (Florida man)
Florida man (Florida man)
(He's cursed)
Florida man (Florida man)
Florida man
Don't you laugh, it could be you
The Florida curse always comes true
You can jeer, but you don't understand
Any fragile soul can be a Florida man

— Blue Öyster Cult, Florida Man

"This is the earth. The earth is happy because Canada is usually cold and Florida man is usually pulling 12-inch knives out of the skulls of alligators."
"Now, all of this [traits of Venus] is because of this ridiculous surface temperature [463°C]. Actually, you know what, hold on. We're not gonna call this Venus anymore. This is exactly like where I live. 10-billion percent humidity? That's South Florida!"
"Like, certain things are constant: Australia can survive damn near anything, Florida is always drunk and hot..."
"[Earth] is now only 63.7 km in radius. I'm sure there's still some poor Floridian bastard livin' up here."
"Now, as you can see, the moon has an average temperature of Not Very Much. In Canada, [-11.9°C] would kind of be average, but down here in Florida, everyone dies."

— GrayStillPlays, playing Universe Sandbox 2

And I know it seems like it's just these stories. Just this week, that these things could happen anywhere, and they do, they do! But in Florida... it's every week. Hell, it's every day that I'm willing to bet there's an act of blinding stupidity going on right now as I'm speaking.

— Nash, What the Fuck Is Wrong with You?, "The Wang of America"

Corin Neddersen: Show of hands, who else skipped reading the location tags and knew where this story came from regardless?

Spamamander: "Florida Man calls cops on self" sounds about right.

— Comments on this Not Always Right story

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