Quotes / Obnoxious In-Laws

In the Injun book it say
When first brave married squaw
He gave out a heap big "Ugh!"
When he saw his mother in law

—Peter Pan

The only enemies at a wedding, Klump, are the in-laws.

— King K. Rool, Donkey Kong Country

When are you going to learn that In-Laws are your natural enemies?

— Dan, Dan Vs.

A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife?" The Prophet replied "The in-laws of the wife are death itself."

— Sahih Bukhari, book 62

Like a mother-in-law in a bad sitcom...

— Kaname Chidori (regarding Commander Mardukeus), Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu

If you have got to outlaw anything, you should outlaw in-laws, too.

— Morris, Fiorello!, "Marie's Law"

Zulfiya irons my robe at the desk,
Guly sews and Fatima darns the socks
Three wives are wonderful, whatever you can say,
But on the other hand — I've got three mothers-in-law!

—Kidnapping, Caucasian Style

It must be Asshole Redemption Week on Ellen. You’re up next, Charlie Sheen...Kanye told Ellen that one thing he’s learned while being married is how to shut up. Being around a Kardashian will do that to you. They are always talking and nearly everything they say makes you want to barf, so you have to keep your lips firmly shut or you’ll vomit all the time.

—Michael K., "Kanye West Is All Grown Up Now"

For my part, my main Lovecraft and Conan periods came in late 2004, early 2005.. In hindsight, the period is more remembered as the lingering tail end of my relationship of the time. Foreshadowing existed in the form of the sheer and bitter acrimony her parents felt towards me. While large parts of my memory, in hindsight, reveal flaws in my actions I was unaware of at the time, this period is unusual in that, in hindsight, her parents were actually crueler, more selfish, and more hateful than I gave them credit for. My capacity for grudges is often more limited than I let on, but they manage the remarkable feat of, even now, over five years since I last had anything to do with them, being among the most miserable and horrible people I have ever interacted with. I actually have more animosity towards them than I do towards my ex-wife. And this animosity stems entirely from the sheer hatred they directed towards me in this period. In hindsight, the staggering black hole of anger they positioned in my life forms a better explanation for my fondness for stories about unspeakable cosmic evil than anything else.

—Dr. Elizabeth Sandifer

I've had problems with all of my in-laws. Of course, I never could respect anybody who'd marry one of my kids.

—Thelma Harper, Mama's Family

Lord Ickenham: Have you considered what would have happened if Myra had married The Duke of Dunstable's nephew? You would never have got Dunstable out of your hair. A christmas present would have been expected yearly. You would have had to lunch with him, dine with him, be constantly in his society. He would have come over to New York to spend long visits with you. The children, if any, would have had to learn to call him "Uncle Alaric". I think you've been extraordinary lucky, Jimmy. Imagine a life with Dunstable like a sort of Siamese twin.

Dunstable arrives on the scene, and gives Jimmy the stink eye.

The Duke of Dunstable: Oh, you're here.

— Service with a Smile, Blandings Castle Book 8.

If a tiger in the mountains came upon us could it be any more frightening than a mother-in-law?
Could the coldest frost be chillier than your father-in-law?
Bean pods, even if they burst when you step on them, would never stare as rudely as your husband's younger brothers.
No, not even the hottest pepper could be as bitter as the life of a married woman.

—Nothing to Envy

Rare things — A son-in-law who’s praised by his wife’s father. Likewise, a wife who’s loved by her mother-in-law.

— The Pillow Book, Sei Shonagon

"Gruesome ha? Have you met my mother in law? Now that's gruesome!"

—Unnamed extra, The Toxic Avenger

Peter: Sorry, guys, Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers, me and Lois' old man have never gotten along.
(cut to Peter sitting at a computer)
Peter: Hey, I got an email from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
(Peter opens the email, and a fist SOMEHOW punches Peter in the face)

—Family Guy

Martin: I guess it's too much to expect my own family to make a person I care about feel welcome!
Frasier: (Beat) Wait a minute! When did you ever make any of the women we were involved with feel welcome?
Niles: Ohhh Frasier, you're right! He almost got away with that!
Frasier: When did Lilith ever set foot in your house that you didn't make her feel as wanted as a fungus?
Niles: Yes, not to mention my Maris!
Martin: You're comparing a warm lady like Sherry to Frosty the Snow-Wife?
Frasier: There! That is exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, why don't we just face facts? I mean, since when has any of us ever, from Sherry to Lilith to Maris to Diane, has ever been able to pick one woman that the other two could stand the sight of?
Martin: I picked your mother!

—Frasier

"She only knows a dozen words of English, an' four o' them are 'Sharon, ya lazy fat bitch!'."

— Sharon Theodopolopodous, Birds of a Feather, "Parting"

"It started on day one. She took my 'and at our wedding reception, led me 'round the room to everyone, smilin' and pointin' at me, sayin' 'Pórni, pórni', an' me - like a lemon - smiled and nodded back." (Beat) "It was two weeks 'fore I found out that 'pórni' meant 'prostitute'!"

— Sharon Theodopolopodous, Birds of a Feather, "Bang"

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